03x09 - Stocks

[bunniefuu]

Ohayo "gatsumatsu,"
everyone.

I'm back
from Japan.

Land of the rising sun.

And that's, uh--

That's actually how
they say hello in Japan.

Ohayo "gatsumatsu."

"Oh, homina homina"
to you too, dude.

Slow it down.
I'm not...

fluent.

I was only there a week.

Ohayo "gatsumatsu."

Oh, nobody really cares
about my trip, huh?

Did get you some
presents though.

Hey, welcome back.
Hey, thank you.

Oh, hi, guys.
Hi.

You would have
loved it.

I saw the, uh,
Imperial Palace,

and, uh, Harajuku,
music street.

You've probably
heard of that.

Ah, the black ship
Matthew,

fat with treasures
from the Far East.

I don't know
if I'd say fat,

but I did eat
a lot over there.

Hey, you know, in Japan
you're allowed to eat seaweed.

No. That is so
fascinating,

I almost forgot
you had presents.

Oh. Oh. Oh.
Okay, here we go.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Catherine.

Bill.

Lisa.

This is for you.

Oh, honey, this is
a beautiful box.

Oh, it reminded me
of you.

Very beautiful
on the outside.

And on the inside...

the unknown.

You can put paper clips,
stuff in it, you know.

Hey! I have
always wanted

one of these.

Well, it wobbles.
See. Da-da...

In Japan they love
those wobble heads.

Wobble, wobble, wobble,
wobble, wobble, wobble.

BILL:
What is this?

MATTHEW: Oh.
LISA: That--

That is a Hello Kitty
backpack, silly.

It is so perfect
for him, isn't it?

Uh, yes.

That has Bill
written all over it.

Oh, Matthew,
I can't accept this.

Oh, no. Please.

Because I'm neither Japanese,
14 years old, nor a girl.

But thank you
for the thought.

Yay!

These are like, um,

weird Japanese
nudie magazines.

Right, because I know
how you're fascinated

by the different
aesthetic sensibilities

of various cultures.

How did
you know that?

He didn't. He bought
them for himself

and gave them
to you by accident.

[♪]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[SCREECHES]

Okay, Joe, I think
we've established

that the chair squeaks.

Sh. A chair can squeak
for a number of reasons.

If you just listen, she'll
tell you where it hurts.

[SQUEAKS]

Excuse me, Dr. Doolittle.

Do you think you could
translate for those of us

that don't speak
office chair?

Yeah, I can't fix it.

Can't you just put
oil on it, or something?

She says oil won't help.

My chair does not
have a gender.

Maybe she does,
maybe she doesn't.

So, what am I
supposed to do? Ahem.

Go into Dave's office
and ask him for a new chair.

Oh. I don't know.

Dave's been really uptight
about the budget lately.

Well, I'm sure he can make
a special exception for you.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Well, you know,
whenever you need something,

all you gotta do
is go in there

[DEEP SOUTH ACCENT]
and ask your sugar daddy.

Dave is not
my sugar daddy.

Ah, sweet papa.
Whatever.

Hey, Lisa, I need
a new stapler.

So if you get a chance
while you're with Dave

shaking your stuff for a new
chair, could you ask--

Okay, wait,
wait, wait.

I have never
ever been

the kind of person
who shakes her stuff.

Okay, so you're a little light
in the stuff department.

That's okay. But I think
we've all seen you shake

what you've got.

W-where did everybody get
the idea that I'm some sort of

office supply whore?
I--

Lisa, I'm out
of thumbtacks.

Dave doesn't seem to
respond well

to my back rubs,

so if you could--

Okay. I really
resent this.

You know, when I am
in the office,

I work very hard to maintain
a completely professional

relationship
with Dave.

That's
the best way.

Don't get
emotionally involved.

Just lie back,
close your eyes...

Hey, Mr. James,

can I talk
to you for a s--

Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realize
it was cr*cker time. No.

No, no, that's okay.
What-- What do you need?

Something really great
just happened. Yup.

I got a call from
my Aunt Winnie's lawyer--

Cut to the good part.
I've inherited some money.

Ooh, and what a good
part it is. How much?

A lot.
Yeah? Uh-huh.

Enough to pay off my college
loans, my credit cards,

my back rent, and if they paid
me the rest in $1 bills,

I'd have enough left over
to roll around in naked.

Ooh, well...

Congratulations.
That's great. Thank you!

That's great. It feels good to
have your head above water, huh?

Oh, it feels so good!
It feels so good.

Then I started thinking, right?

Oh, no.

The stock market is just
sitting there virtually begging

to quadruple my money for me,
you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. That's just the kind
of boundless optimism

that earned the Donner party
their place in history.

Tell you what. Newsflash.
I don't give stock tips.

Oh, but Mr.--
Stock tips. Excellent.

I like Lockheed these days.
How about you?

Sorry, Bill. No stock tips.

Well, why are you
giving tips to her?

I'm not giving tips
to her or anyone.

Jimmy don't do that.

But Jim, you know
what they say:

"Give a man a fish,
you feed him for a day.

"Teach a man to fish--"

And he spends all his time
in the basement tying flies

and neglecting
his personal hygiene.

Look, uh, aren't you supposed
to be on the air?

No, actually.
Yes, you are.

Yes, I am.

Mr. James, why won't you share
your knowledge with me?

It's just not fair.

Oh, honeybunch,
if life were fair,

there wouldn't be rich people.

[FAKE KNOCKING
SOUND]

Hey. How was
your trip?

Oh, Dave, observe:

See? In Japan
it is customary

to remove one's shoes

before entering
the domicile.

Well, isn't
that fascinating. Oh, Dave.

Oh, my, you would of--
You would have loved it.

A week in a foreign place.

Strange people,
strange customs.

Oh, I know exactly what
you mean. I've been to Canada.

Trust me, Japan is
even more exotic.

Ah.

Clearly, you've
never been to Winnipeg.

I did bring you
a little present though.

Oh, please let it be
a wobble head.

Voilà!

I'm sure they probably have
a Japanese way of saying voilà,

but I was only there
a week, so...

It's-- It's, um--
It's a sword.

No, it's not just a sword.

It's a katana sword.

Uh-huh.

Modeled after the one
made by the, uh...

great Nagamitsu of Bizen
for the samurai, Kujiro.

Ow!

Oh, it's...
Ow.

...very sharp.
Very sharp.

It's very real.

They say
this thing can...

[MAKES SWOOSHING
NOISE]

...slice a man
right in two.

What?
Well-- Wow.

I say--
Well, you know, uh,

considering that, I hope you
won't be offended, but I--

I really don't like
to have knives or g*ns or...

man-splitting swords, uh,
in the office.

It makes me a little
uncomfortable.

Okay. I guess
I'll just--

I guess I'll give
it to Joe--

Oh, on the other hand,
perhaps I should, uh...

hang onto this
for a little while.

I'm a little less susceptible
to roid rage than Joe.

So...
Great!

All right.
"Oriagato..."

"goshiamatsa."

Okay, somebody stole my shoes
while we were talking.

No! Wrong! No! I do not
give stock advice,

especially to friends,
because if the tip goes south,

then, heh,
I'm out a friend.

Yeah, but all my friends
give me bad advice--

Beth, no--
Mr. James,

I thrive on bad advice!
I thrive on bad advice.

That would explain
the hairdo.

Come on, Jim,
one tip.

I get in, I make
the bread, and boom!

I'm out like a thief
in the night.

I do not consort
with thieves.

Well, I'm not
actually a thief.

Really? Does that mean
you're gonna

give Matthew
his shoes back?

When he's
ready for them.

Great. Great.

I'll tell you what,
I'm out of here.

This has been the worst cr*cker
time in recorded history.

Okay, great. I'm just
gonna do this on my own.

Good! Be my guest.

But just be careful,
all right?

Okay, don't worry
about me.

No. Come on,
I'm serious here, Beth.

You be careful,
because the market

can be a cruel mistress.

Well, so can I.

But that's not how I wanna
make my money anymore.

All right.
What were you--

What were you thinking
about investing in?

Great. I have it
right here.

All right.
One second.

Yup.
Okay, um...

Just hold that.
Yeah.

Hang on, um...
No, that's not it.

Just one sec.
Beth.

No, it's this last one
right here.

Here it is.
It's just that I'm not sure

if that's the name
of the stock,

or of the guy
at the bar

who gave me
the name of the stock.

Fine. I can see that I need
to give you some stock advice.

Excellent.
Excellent!

Not you.
Just her.

Well, that's not fair.

Well, Bill,
if life were fair,

there wouldn't be
rich people.

That's my girl!
Now scram, Bill.

Now, okay,
Beth...

Yes?
All right, now, before we begin, I want you to--

I want you to promise me
that you'll, uh...

Get out of there,
Bill.

Here it is.

Joe. Joe, come here
for a sec.

Oh, here's another one
of the Tokyo airport.

They really have an amazing
automated baggage system.

You'd have to ride around
on it to believe it.

You know,
this is interesting,

but I have a lot of work
to do today, so I think--

Oh, excuse me.

"Summymason."

See, in Japan, that's how they
say excuse me. "Summymason."

"Summymason."

Actually, I think
it's pronounced sumimasen,

but that's fascinating,
nonetheless.

Ah, Matthew,
do you mind

if I talk to Lisa
for a second?

Oh, sure. Hey, you know who's
really popular in Japan?

Brad Pitt.

It's like he's
a movie star over there.

Wow. I-I am sorry
to interrupt.

It's just that,
do you know anyone

that knows exactly
how sushi is made?

Yeah.
Joe was asking about it--

Oh, yeah, Joe?
You know?

Sure.
Where is he?

Thank you.
Anytime.

Do you have the previous
draft of this?

Ah, yes.
Oh, great.

[CHAIR SQUEAKS]

You should-- You should
get Joe to fix that.

He says he can't.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's
a structural defect.

And then they roll up
the rice

in the little
log-shaped thing.

Well, I'll get Beth
to order you a new one.

No, no, no, no.
That won't be necessary.

[SQUEAK]

Mm-hm. That
doesn't bother you?

No.

Really?
Yeah.

Huh.
See?

[SQUEAKS]

That's right.
Shake it, honey.

JIMMY:
You're gonna love this!

Thank you!
See?

Oh, my God!
See how it is?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, it's
just like, uh--

Well, it's like TV...

without all those people
running around

doing stupid stuff
with a fake laugh track.

Who taught you
all this stuff about stocks?

Well, no one. No one.
That's the thing. Yeah.

Are you serious?
Yeah!

Started out with, you know,
a high school diploma,

a secondhand suit, and $100
worth of savings bonds.

Well...

I invested
those bonds

into a little
company called--

What? Hang on
for one second, would you?

Three, two, one...

Ahh!

Anyway...

Now, I--
I'm sorry, where was I?

You invested the bonds
in a company.

Oh, yeah. Invested
in that little guy--

Well, to make a long
story short...

I'm rich!
[LAUGHS]

You know, in Japan
they call coffee kohi.

Milku.

Milk is milku.

In fact,
in Japan they've got

all kinds of
different things to eat.

Yeah, I know, Matthew.
It's called Chinese food.

Shut up.

[CHAIR SQUEAKS]

You know,
your chair squeaks.

Yes.
Just ignore it.

Move along.
Don't get involved.

Well, Dave would probably
buy you a new one

if you just
asked him right.

Won't be necessary.

Seriously. Just go
up to him and give him

one of your
sex looks, and--

My what?

Your sex looks. You know,
that look you give him

every time you want him
to do something.

You know--
You know, it's like:

No.

And that,
in a nutshell,

is the principle
behind the bond market.

Hold on a second.
Bill?

BILL:
Yeah, Jim?

Would you mind getting out
from underneath the table?

BILL:
Sure thing.

BILL:
Oh, you mean right now?

Yeah, right now.

Last time you get away from me,
you little rascal.

So...you see
all these, uh,

charts and graphs here?
Yeah.

Well, that's
all fine, but--

What we gotta do,
you gotta get down--

You gotta get down
to the street level

to see how that effects
the common man.

You know, that way
you don't stick your money

into something
that you don't want to.

Now, you see
Matthew over there? Uh-huh.

Now, check this out.
Come on.

Now, pull that
up there.

All right.
Now see, once a month,

I sneak a variety
of candies

into Matthew's
desk there.

You know,
and so far,

his reactions have given me
an 18 percent increase

in my entire consumer goods
portfolio.

Doesn't he wonder
how the candy got there?

No. I think
in Matthew's world,

candy elves
are a common occurrence.

Mm-hm.

I feel like I'm watching
a National Geographic special.

I know. Just hang on.
Hang on for a second.

Bingo!
That's it.

What? Was that
a good one?

Mm-hm.

Yeah. See how he's
protecting that there? Yeah.

Well, see, he had some,
and now he wants more.

That's our stuff.

We're supposed to buy
the stock just based on that,

that he likes
that one candy?

Well, yeah.

Well, that
and the fact that, uh,

the company that makes them
just got a government contract

to, uh, make nougat clusters
for the Pentagon.

There he goes.

[♪]

Hey, Joe.

Hey, what's up,
Mr. James?

Ricardo will have the fridge
up and running in no time.

Good, good. Uh, could you
give us a moment?

Yeah, sure.
Thanks.

Be right here
if you need me, buddy.

Bueno.

BETH:
Bye-bye, Joe.

Okay, what do
we do now?

Now, we go check to see how
your stock's doing. Okay.

Alrighty.

Mmm, bup.

There it is!
They showed my stock!

This is so exciting!

Oh. Yeah, you got yourself
a live one there, honey.

Okay, okay, okay.
There it is, 30 points.

Uh-huh.
Okay, 29 points.

And how much
did you buy it at?

Thirty something.
Twenty-seven and a quarter.

Uh, 21.

Oh.
Nineteen.

I'm so sorry, Beth.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait, hold, hold on!

Nineteen.
There you go.

Twenty.
It's going.

Twenty-one!
Ah-ha!

Twenty.

Thirteen.

Thirteen?

Thirteen?

I gotta make
a phone call.

Okay. Okay.

I sold my stock.

I bought it at 33,
and I sold it at...

I sold it at one.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Beth.

I just don't know
what happened.

No, it's okay.
I only lost $32.

Per share.
Per what? Per what?

Per share. How many shares
did you buy?

Um, like a hundred.

Oh, well--

Okay, so I only lost $132.

That's not bad at all.

Yeah. Something
like that.

You gotta break some eggs
to make an omelet, right?

That's right.
But you could feed an army

with the omelet
you're making there, honey.

Let's try it again.
I've put off

the college loan people
for years,

I can put them off
a bit longer.

That's right. What are
they gonna do, put you in jail?

Actually, they have
mentioned that.

If you strike me down...

I shall become more powerful

than you can
possibly imagine, Vader.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

David, how do you
like the sword?

Oh, oh, it's great.
Thank you very much, Matthew.

What's going on?
Why is it in the garbage?

Huh? What? Um...

It's sitting
in the garbage--

Oh, because, uh...

Well, Matthew, see, in Japan...

they use waste paper baskets
as sword receptacles.

No, they don't.

Oh, I should have
given it to Joe. I knew it.

Hey, listen, if you had
given that to Joe,

I'd be talking to
your torso right now.

[POUNDING SOUND]

What's that?

All right. I am
ordering you a new chair.

Dave, that is not...
gonna be necessary.

And I think that stapler
is on its last legs as well.

Stuff or no stuff,
you are good.

[SIGHS]

Beth, I think
we need to talk.

I know, our stock's in the
toilet. What's the next step?

No, no, no, no.
No more tips.

You lost all
your college loan money.

There's nothing left.

No, I have credit card money.
I have credit card money.

No.
Seriously.

No.
Look.

Half the credit card
companies

don't even know
my real name.

Come on, let's go!

No, no. I'll tell you what--
No, no, no.

You just take this
and fill it out,

and we'll leave it
at that.

I don't mind
losing the money,

but I'm not about
to lose a friend.

I can't take that.
Take it.

I can't.
Take it.

I didn't lose
any money. What?

I took all the stock tips
you gave me, and...

I sold them to Bill.

You sold them to Bill?
I told you specifically--

Oh, I know, I know! It was so
wrong! I'm so sorry, Mr. James.

Seriously. You can have
every bit of money

that I made off of Bill,
just please don't be mad at me.

Oh, come--
How much is that?

It's $2000. He gave me--

Oh...Beth.
Beth--

I'm sorry, he gave
me $500 a tip,

and there was four tips,
so it's $2000.

What can I say?

I know,
I'm so sorry.

I am so proud of you!

[LAUGHS]

Plus, he still
gave you the 500

even after
the third one tanked?

Baby! Welcome to the world
of high finance.

Yeah, but,
I don't understand.

All I did was sell
someone something

that I didn't even own
that wasn't worth anything.

Like I said, welcome to
the world of high finance.

Hey, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

This is more than 2000.
This is, uh...

[SNIFFS]

...2500.

Oh, right.

I picked one out of the paper
myself and sold it to him.

I figured he wouldn't
know the difference.

How did it do?

Who cares?

What's wrong?

Have you ever lost something
very dear to you?

Well, yeah. Yeah, when I was 12,
we had this this dog--

I was thinking
more along the lines

of a massive sum of cash.

Stock market?

Yeah.
Mm-hm.

But it's not just the money
I've lost, Dave.

It's hopes, dreams...

All I wanted was enough to buy
a little house in Nantucket,

and a boat,
an old pickup truck,

two or three Ferraris,

maybe a Porsche 911 turbo.

Wow.

That gets me right...
you know, here.

Well, it's all
gone now.

Gone.

Bill, that--
That's actually very sharp.

The house, gone.

The boat, gone.

The car, gone.
The other car, gone.

The other car--

Bill. Bill. Bill, put--
Put the sword down.

The what?

That's a real
sword.

This is a real sword?

Oh, very, very real.

Well, what are you letting me
wave this thing around for?

Jeez!

DAVE:
If you want a new chair, just say so.

LISA:
No, I don't want any special treatment.

Look, Lisa, come on,
just say it with me.

Dave, I need
a new chair.

My chair is fine.

[SIGHS]
No, it is not.

I will die before
I ask for a new chair.

Stand back,
everyone.

I'm about to put this chair
out of its misery.

David, you do not have
to do this to make me feel--

Okay, I admit it.
I admit it.

I didn't actually go to Japan.

What?

I had the plane ticket
and everything, and I--

I chickened out and I-- I spent
the whole week in a library

reading about Japan,

so that you guys
wouldn't think I was...weird.

Well, dude,
let me be the first

to congratulate you
on a job well done.

Look, somebody help me
clean this up.

LISA:
Dave!

DAVE:
Yes?

LISA:
I need a new chair.

JOE [HIGH PITCHED VOICE]:
Whoo-whooo!

The lights go out,
and the love talk starts.

CATHERINE:
I wish I had a sweet papa like that.

DAVE:
Listen, there's absolutely no favoritism at play here.

LISA [WHISPERING]:
Shut up.

DAVE: I'm on your side.
LISA: I know.

I just don't think the time
to bring it up

is when you're waving a huge
sword around in a dark room.

CATHERINE:
MM-mm-mm-mm-mm

I don't know, I still feel
really bad about Bill.

Oh, hey,
Bill's a grownup.

He can take care
of himself.

Couldn't we give him
just one juicy stock tip?

Oh, you know what? Actually,

I did come across a hot one

for Amalgamated Turbine,

but you know, on principle.

What was the name?

Uh, Amalgamated Turbine.

Amalgamated Turbine.

Amalgamated Turbine.

Amalgamated Turbine.