Okay, now, uh...
Seeing as tomorrow
is Christmas Eve,
I know
everybody and their grandmother
is gonna wanna leave
early today.
My grandmother
just passed away.
Thanks for reminding me.
She did?
No. No, I'm joking.
That's my big
dead grandmother joke.
Ha, ha, ha.
Funny, funny, funny.
I-- Um, Bill,
I'm sorry.
I had--
I had no idea.
I...
[LAUGHING]
No, I was joking. She's not really dead.
[LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
Good one.
Where was I?
You were gonna tell us
that we can't leave early today.
No, I was gonna say
if you need to leave early, that's fine by me.
This is so bogus.
What?
I-- I mean, everyone's been
working very hard
to get their work done
ahead of time,
so if you need to go,
feel free.
Well, thank you,
David. Thanks.
All right. Uh,
under one condition, though,
that we will all get our work
done before we leave.
All right?
Fair enough?
Yeah.
BETH: Yes.
Well, if there's nothing else,
then merry Christmas.
Oh, wait, wait.
People...please.
There is
one more thing.
I'd like to officially
invite you over to my desk
for a little
Christmas surprise.
♪ Na, na, na, na, naa ♪
Hey...
Matthew's
little world.
BILL:
Ha.
And, Mr. Garrelli,
if you'd like to do the honors
this year...
Who?
Joe.
Your last name
is Garrelli.
Yeah.
Huh.
Oh, okay, wait.
Hm?
Try-- Try it again.
Are these tracks steel
or copper?
I don't know.
I don't-- How could I tell?
Well, if they're copper,
they'll taste like a penny.
No, more like
a nickel.
[SIGHS]
I couldn't do it to him.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
Couldn't what?
Couldn't do what? What?
[LAUGHS]
When you bent over to lick
the tracks, man,
I was gonna turn
the juice on,
and it would have
shocked you.
But I just couldn't.
Merry Christmas,
dude.
Is it a strong shock?
Not really.
Let's do it.
[BUZZ]
Oh!
Again, again, again.
[BUZZ]
[♪]
Okay, I've got it
all worked out.
I just finish doing
these ratings graphs,
and we take a cab
out to the airport,
hop on a plane to Milwaukee,
drive to my parents' house
and surprise everybody.
We have to leave early, right?
'Cause we have to get back
to work the skeleton shift,
right?
Yes, we take the red eye
right after dinner.
Right after dinner.
Uh-huh.
We're like...out of there.
Yes.
Yes, you will spend no more
than 12 hours with my parents.
Uh-huh.
I promise.
Don't we lose a couple hours
flying over the time zones,
or...
If you don't wanna go,
just say so.
I do wanna go.
Y-- No, you don't.
I do. I really do wanna go.
I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.
It's awkward. You know...meeting
your boyfriend's parents.
What-- What if I panic
and just start screaming
obscenities or something?
Well, then I'll explain
that my girlfriend Lisa
couldn't make it,
and you're just some whore
I picked up at the airport.
Look, I'm--
What?
I'm very serious.
What if I say
the wrong thing?
Like what?
You tell me.
Tell you what,
I'll prepare a dossier
and bring you up to speed
once we're in the air.
Hey, kids.
Matthew in here?
Uh, no, he's not, sir.
Oh.
[SIGHS]
Uh, can we help you?
No, I need Matthew.
Mm-hmm. What for?
Well, it's like this...
Ever have to buy
a present
for a man
who has everything?
LISA:
We have to buy a present for you every year.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Thanks, by the way,
for that necktie this year.
I didn't have one of those.
I cherish that.
I still don't see
what you need Matthew for.
Oh, well, let's see...
On my Christmas list,
I got about 70 guys
who have everything,
and Matthew manages
to pick out gifts
that they
don't already have.
Mr. James, you looking for me?
Oh, there you are.
All right,
let's continue.
Bill Gates.
Ball of string.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, Rupert Murdoch.
Potter's wheel.
Uh, Rupert Murdock
gets a potter's wheel?
Oh, yeah. Rupert still calls
about the shower slippers
that Matthew picked out
for him last year.
Rupert's
a funny name.
Rupert.
All right.
Now, come on, Computo,
I gotta get something
for Ted Turner here.
Let's hear it.
Okay, um...
A gold-plated
hand puppet...
of a monkey.
No, we got him that
last year.
No, I know. He needs-- He needs
another one so they can...
[CLUCKING]
Amazing.
Catherine...
Just the person I'm looking for.
Why is that?
I'm making an audition tape
for a voiceover commercial,
and I need someone
to play the part of the wife.
Naturally, I thought of you.
No way.
Hey, hey, come on, Catherine...
Lisa, just the person
I'm looking for.
I'm making an audition tape
for a voiceover commercial,
and I need someone to play
the part of the wife.
Naturally,
I thought of you.
Come on, Lisa. Lisa...
Beth, just the person
I'm looking for.
Huh?
I'm making an audition tape
for a voiceover commercial,
and I need someone
to read the part of the wife.
Naturally,
I thought of you.
You thought of me?
Bill, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
How much does it pay?
Well, it's only
an audition,
you wouldn't do
the commercial.
Like I said,
how much does it pay?
Well, Catherine
would probably do it for 50.
I'll do it for 49.
Deal.
Oh, thank you, God,
for creating suckers.
Right on.
All right...
now I need to send
this in by noon,
so we'll have
to work fast.
Ready?
Okay, yes. What do I say?
Here. The basic idea
is that we are a man and woman
amazed by the excellence
of our garage door opener.
Who says there are
no good parts for women.
Here are my holiday promos,
Dave.
Hey, Catherine.
Great.
And that's the last
of my work,
so I'm gonna take off now.
All right.
So you carded these?
Some of them.
Sort of.
Not really.
No.
Well, Catherine, come on,
we specifically agreed
that no one would leave before
they'd finished all their work.
You're right.
All right.
What--?
Hi, Mommy.
Yeah, it's me.
Hi.
Well, well, no.
No, uh,
it looks like, uh...
[SOBBING]
Looks like I'm not gonna make it home this year, Mom.
All right, Catherine,
I know.
I'll finish
your promos for you.
Thanks, honey.
W--
All right, I'm gonna need
the card machine--
JAMES [LAUGHING]:
Oh, right. Bye-bye.
Now where were we? Let's see.
Uh...
Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen. Right.
Mittens.
Check.
You know
Bruce Springsteen?
No, I don't.
But if he's
anything like me,
his hands get cold
in winter. Yeah.
Do you know who any
of these people are
that you're picking gifts for?
No.
No,
they're not my friends.
They're Mr. James' friends.
You are in the presence
of the master.
You wanna show
some respect, please?
Thank you very much.
David Geffen.
Ah, yes...David Geffen.
Mm-hmm.
DAVE: Do you know who that is?
No.
He owns
a record company.
Okay, then some CD's.
JAMES:
CD's it is.
I bow before the master.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, Joe.
Hey, Joe.
Joe, uh...
What are you doing?
Well, you know how depressing
it is when you come back
from Christmas and
the decorations are still up?
Uh-huh.
Preemptive strike, baby.
JAMES:
Okay.
Where were we?
Uh...the Aga Khan.
Peanut butter.
How much?
Fifty pounds.
Now,
that's good thinking.
Terrific. Ciao.
Beth, come here,
I've got great news.
Oh, you got the commercial?
No.
We got the commercial.
As in-- What do--?
You and me.
They love the tape.
They said they've been having
an impossible time
finding the right female voice.
Bill, I've never done any
over-voicing work before,
and I don't know--
It's Christmas. It'll be fun.
I don't--
It'll be a goof.
A fun Christmas goof.
Bill, I don't--
And profitable.
A profitable, fun,
snowing Christmas goof.
Eh-- Hm, you think so?
You bet.
What do you say?
Two crazy elves
Ha.
frolicking in the profitable
commercial snow!
Oh, Bill, you know, you make
Christmas exciting again.
[LAUGHING]
Dave.
Hey, Dave, can I go now?
I know it's kind of early.
Well, Beth, it's--
It's very early.
I know, but could--
Yeah?
Well, yeah,
I guess it'd be fine,
so long as you've
finished addressing
those Christmas cards
for the advertisers.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay.
[MUTTERING]
[SIGHS]
Okay, what's the problem?
This garage door company
wants me and Bill
to over-voice their ad.
Dave, it's my one sh*t
at my dream.
Your dream's
to do commercials
for garage door opener
companies?
Well, that or anything
garage-door industry related.
Or... Yeah.
But...
It's not gonna happen
'cause I'm a--
Well, I'm a boring secretary.
I'm not a--
I'm not a glamorous
garage-door opener endorser
or anything like that.
I'm just fine.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
All right,
bring me the cards.
Dave, thank you so much.
Thank you.
I already addressed so many
that my hand is k*lling me.
Beth,
you've done three.
I know.
I think there's something really wrong with my hand, seriously.
Merry Christmas.
[♪]
MAN:
All right, let's, uh--
Let's give it
a go here.
This is take one.
[PRESSES BUTTON]
The garage door
is opening,
and yet I don't
hear anything.
That's because
it's a Dream Come True.
What do you mean,
a "dream come true"?
Dream Come True
garage door opener, silly.
What a great
Christmas gift.
This really is
a dream come true!
Actual garage unit does not
include installation or maintenance.
No longer affiliated with Dream
Come True Carpet Steamer Inc. Prices may vary.
Uh, cut.
Great. Now you've made him mad.
You can't ad lib like that.
I just added
the word "silly."
BILL:
That's okay. You didn't know.
All right, let's, uh...
Let's try one more time.
And, Beth, that-- That "silly,"
that was a great touch.
Do that again this time,
all right?
Okay.
And...
Ready to go?
Uh, no, actually,
I'm-- I'm kind of busy.
I have to address
these envelopes.
Oh, well, can't go.
Too bad.
No, no, no.
I booked us on a later flight.
What?
Yeah, I booked us
on a later flight. Oh.
Yeah, I just have to address
these for Beth,
uh, then I have to cart
Catherine's holiday promos,
and then I have to do
the ratings graphs,
so I've booked us
on the 11:30 flight.
So congratulations...
your sentence has been commuted
to 8 hours.
You know you're standing
under the mistletoe.
Okay, Joe, you got me.
But no tongue.
All right, tongue.
Not you.
What do you mean,
a "dream come true"?
Dream Come True
garage door opener, silly.
What a great Christmas gift.
This is a dream come true.
Actual garage unit
does not include---
MAN:
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
The chemistry
between you two just--
It's-- It's really--
It's not working.
I think we're gonna have to mix
this up a little bit.
Oh, okay. What does that mean,
"mix it up"?
They're gonna try
someone different.
I'm sorry, Beth, uh...
It's-- It's-- It's--
It happens to the best of us.
sh**t.
MAN:
Well, let's just try, uh, Roger and Beth.
What?
What's that?
Uh, we're-- We're gonna try, uh,
Beth and Roger Jordan.
If-- You know, just...
Sure. Okay.
Why not?
[SIGHS]
I can't believe this.
Oh, my God, Bill, I'm so sorry.
I feel so horrible.
Well, it's no big deal.
This ad's smalltime.
Better off without it.
Hm.
Blessing in disguise.
Right...
Uh, Bill?
Bill, looks like we're gonna
give you another chance.
I won't let you down.
Wait, uh... Uh, R-Roger
just showed up.
Uh, never mind.
Sorry.
Ha. That makes two blessings.
I'm a lucky man.
[BANG]
[♪]
Bill,
I feel terrible.
If I had known they
were gonna think I was so good,
I would not
have been so good.
Ah, don't worry
about it. [SIGHS]
Granted, this means
I'll spend Christmas Day
weeping
into a sofa cushion.
But that's really not
unusual for me, so...
Bill, if you can't do it,
I'm not gonna do it.
Excuse me, Steve,
[STAMMERS]
It's all right. She didn't--
I'm not very comfortable---
Don't do
anything foolish.
Don't do
anything foolish.
If you quit,
you don't get paid.
You can use the money,
right?
Yeah, but I-I-I-- Yeah...
[SIGHS]
Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
What if there's no chemistry
between me and this Roger guy?
Oh, there will be.
He's a pro. One of the best.
No, what I'm saying is...
what if there's no chemistry
between me
and this Roger guy?
Not a chance.
He's good, you're good.
No, Bill, what I'm saying is,
what if I screw it up with him,
so they have to use you?
What if I do that?
Oh. Yeah.
Give that a sh*t.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey!
Bill, how you doing?
Nice to see you.
That's great.
You're looking great.
[SIGHS]
I finished tearing down
all the decorations,
and I, uh, threw away
the Christmas tree.
Uh-huh. Now you can go fire
Bob Cratchit
and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.
Can I leave early?
Have you defrosted
the fridge?
Yeah, I set it on defrost
right before I came in here.
Mm-hmm. Did you throw out all
the food that was in the fridge?
Yeah.
No, you didn't.
Come on, man,
I'll do it after the break.
The food's gonna spoil
and go rotten over the break.
It's spoiled and rotten already,
so, what's the point?
All right, Joe, forget about the
fridge, I'll take care of it.
Just get out of here
before I change my mind.
Thanks, chief.
All right, merry Christmas.
You too, man.
All right. Uh...
Uh...
Joe, you-- No--
You know what, Joe...
I am gonna change my mind.
I have too much work to do, Joe.
You're-- You're gonna have
to take care of the fridge by yourself, okay?
Joe?
That's because it's a D--
[LAUGHS]
That's because it's a sil---
I-it's a silly dream
that's coming true or--?
Why would I--? Is it--?
[SCOTTISH ACCENT]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
[GRUFFLY]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
[LAUGHS]
That's because--
You're doing it again.
You're-- Stop it.
♪ That's because
It's a Dream Come Tru-u-ue ♪
[MUMBLING]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
That's because--
Ah. Sorry.
That's because it's
a Dream Come True, heh.
Ow.
Jeez, we can't--
[SOBBING]
That's because it's a Dream--
♪ That's because
It's a Dream Come True ♪
That's because it's
a Dream Come True, dumbass.
[SQUEAKING GIBBERISH]
[COUGHS]
Mm. You have anything
to spit in?
No.
[SQUEAKING]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
Silly!
Okay, why don't we take a
little, short break right here,
so I can walk outside
and kick a hole in the wall?
Be right back.
Excuse me.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[MUTTERING HOARSELY]
[COUGHS]
Look, you did your best, but I
don't think he's buying it.
[HOARSELY]
Thank you.
No, no, just do it right with
Roger and let's get out of here.
No, I can't.
No, really, I don't mind.
At least one of us
will get paid.
[HOARSELY]
I can't because my voice is sh*t.
What?
I said, my voice is sh*t.
One more time.
I-I can't, because I think
my voice is sh*t.
Uno más.
You're sure you don't mind
doing all this?
Oh, no, not at all.
Okay, great.
Here's all the raw data
you're gonna need.
Uh-huh.
And these are the Christmas cards.
I mean, most people like to
leave for Christmas break early. I like to leave late.
Yeah, uh-huh.
And here's Catherine's tapes.
Good, good, good.
All right?
You know, I spend Christmas
with my aunt out on Long Island.
Uh-huh.
And if I leave now, I'll be in traffic forever.
I don't care.
Dave.
Uh-huh?
Um, before you go,
being Christmas and all, and...
Yeah?
Well, since I'm helping you out
with all this, um...
Okay, yes, you can sit
at my desk
and pretend to be me
while I'm gone.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
[IMITATES DAVE]
More coffee, Beth.
[CHUCKLES]
Matthew, hey...
You're my favorite employee.
And you are my very,
very best friend.
Hey, there he is!
Oh, hey.
There he is. Just the guy I was looking for.
I just realized there's one
person on this list...
that I haven't dealt with yet.
Really? Who?
It's you. It is you, son.
What?
Yeah, and you know
what I'm giving you?
Mittens.
No. No. Even better.
Even better.
I am giving you
a helicopter ride
to your aunt's
on Long Island,
so you don't have to sit
in traffic. No.
Yeah, come on.
No, no, no.
The chopper's
on the roof.
Dave, is that okay?
Sure. As long as you have
finished all your work.
Nah, go on, go on.
No, it isn't.
Yeah, good.
[♪]
Okay, let's go.
Huh? Uh, I thought you
didn't wanna go.
Well, I didn't,
but at this point,
we're down to about
45 minutes there,
and if anything goes wrong,
I can just...lock myself
in the bathroom.
Um, fine.
You promise not to use
the decorative soaps?
Yes.
Then this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
WOMAN:
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
What do you mean,
a Dream Come True?
[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
Dream Come True garage door openers, silly.
What a great
Christmas gift.
This is
a dream come true.
Actual garage unit
does not include
installation or maintenance.
No longer affiliated with Dream
Come True Carpet Steamer Inc. Prices may vary.
That is great. That is a wrap.
All right, thanks, Bill.
No offense,
but that's the weirdest thing
I've ever seen
anyone do.
[WOMAN'S VOICE]
Screw you.
[♪]
I can't believe it.
It's so beautiful out here.
Yeah? I can't believe that damn
flight was delayed so long.
Oh, come on, relax.
We made it in time for dinner.
Uh-huh. All right.
Come on in.
Hello? Surprise.
Hey. Hey, there, boy.
Hey.
Oh, look, you can tell
he really misses you.
I've never seen this dog
before in my life.
They must have--
They must have just gotten him.
Hey, what a nice dog.
Hey.
Hello?
Hello, everybody.
Well, there's nobody here.
Well, maybe
they're out back.
Yeah, that's right...
They're out back having
a barbecue in the snow.
Well, I'm sorry,
I don't know how you people
do things around here.
Uh... Oh, hi, hi.
Aunt Marilyn?
Yes. Yeah, hi--
It's David, yes.
Yes. Are-- Are-- Are my parents
there by any chance?
Yes. Oh, they are?
They are?
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, I wish--
I wish, uh, somebody
had told me
we were doing Christmas Eve
at your place this year.
Oh, me? No, nothing,
nothing special.
Just sitting here
in my apartment in...
New York City.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
No, don't--
Don't bring them to the phone.
I'll call back later. Yeah.
Yeah. Mer-- Merry Christmas.
Well, okay, let's just--
Let's drive over
to your Aunt Marilyn's.
You don't wanna do that.
No, we don't have time.
No, we do.
She lives in Chicago.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Dave.
That's all right.
So how much time
do we have
before we have to go back
to the airport?
Um, I told the cab driver
to honk when we had to leave.
Okay. All right.
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry, Dave.
Hm?
No, that's...
What the hell, huh?
It's still Christmas, right?
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[HORN HONKS]
Yeah. There's our ride.
Oh.
Okay, well...
Hey, hold on.
Uh...
Okay. Uh, come in close.
Ready? Ready?
[PRESSES BUTTON]
All right.
Now at least they'll know
we tried, right?
There.
Let's go.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[♪]
[♪]
03x10 - Christmas
Watch/Buy Amazon
Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.