MAN:
How do I put this? Uh...
If Ted Chambers' Total Workout
was a belt,
gold membership
would be the buckle.
You get
all the gym services.
Spa, weight-training,
yoga classes, step classes.
Spinning.
Nothing's
left out.
What about parking?
Parking's extra.
You know what I love
about the gold?
[WHISTLES]
What are you doing?
Nothing.
And that's my point.
The gold sells itself.
Here, read this.
Out loud.
"Total access--"
Stop.
You read it.
"Total access..."
Sounds good, doesn't it?
That's all well and good.
I'm worried about the price.
Things a little tight?
No, of course not.
'Cause we do have
the silver package.
Nobody'd know the difference.
One caveat, though:
That doesn't include spinning,
sauna or shower privileges.
And that is enforced.
Does Ted himself work out here?
Oh, sure, all the time.
Really?
Is he here today?
Maybe.
Hey, why don't you guys
do a little brain jam
on this thing.
Take your time.
Listen, Vic, exactly
how much is this gonna cost?
Hoo, I better put on my cup.
This guy's playin' hardball.
[LAUGHS]
Okay,
all right.
I'm not supposed
to do this, but, uh...
I'm knockin'
35 percent off your price.
Oh, wow.
Why?
'Cause I like gettin' myself
in trouble.
[GIGGLES]
Here.
Okay, that's 35 percent off
of what exactly?
Uh, the membership price?
Obviously, you're the brains
in the crew.
Yeah, I know.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Hey, hey, hey...
How 'bout a little
contraband? Oh...
Ted Chambers'
official T-shirts.
Look at that, Bill.
Because I am a sucker
for a shock jock.
Thanks, but that's
not really what I do.
No, but you do,
don't you? Huh?
Gettin' under people's skin,
get 'em all riled up.
But seriously, hey,
you serve a function.
I appreciate that,
but before we sign anything,
we're going to need to see
a specific dollar figure.
Mini-tram.
What?
Space on the mini-tram.
Did you see it?
You have mini-tram?
Yeah!
I love mini-trams.
Check it out!
Get me one of those.
Right around
the corner.
Whoa! Look who I ran into.
Ted.
Wow.
Bill McNeal.
Thinkin' of joining.
What can we do for him?
Er, is he serious
about getting fit?
I sure am, Ted.
Well, that's all
I needed to hear.
I could make this guy
my special project.
VIC:
What?
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
You'd saying you'd be willing
to train Bill personally?
Wow!
Uh, yeah. Wow.
[WHISPERS]
This is freaky. He, like, never does this.
So...where do I sign?
[LAUGHING]
Right--
Right down there.
Welcome aboard, Al.
Bill.
Right.
So how do you wanna
take care of this?
Uh, anyway you want,
buddy.
Cash, traveler's checks,
credit card,
whatever's easiest.
Who do I make it
out to?
No personal checks.
[♪]
Hey, what's that?
Uh, ahem, it's Dave's
personal file.
Heh. Then why are
you goin' through it?
Because I have to fax
his credit information
over to his new bank.
Oh. Can I look?
Matthew--
It's Dave's personal file.
It is private.
It's privileged information.
It's incredibly confidential.
So do not tell him
I let you look at it.
Oh, wow, look at that.
Dave was in the chess club
in high school.
[SNICKERS]
Would you put chess club
on your résumé?
I know. It just rubs it
into all the people
who couldn't get
in the chess club.
Look, here's the problem.
The problem is, I'm supposed
to sit on the dais
at a presidential
charity fundraiser tonight.
Well, that's great.
What's your problem?
The problem is, I'm sitting next
to President Bill Clinton,
king of America.
What if I spill something?
Don't worry.
It's not like the president
can have you ex*cuted
for using the wrong fork.
Yeah, try tellin' that to...
Never mind.
Who?
Never mind.
Said too much already.
Please, for you own safety,
would you just go?
Well, sir, you know,
I've had dinner with you
dozens of times,
and y-your table manners
are just fine.
No, they are not fine.
What, are you kiddin' me?
I spent years cultivating
the worst table manners
on the planet.
Excuse me?
You don't get it,
do you?
No, but...you know,
I've grown accustomed to that.
Yeah, it's
an old business ploy. Uh-huh.
You intimidate the guy
you're dealin' with
by-by eatin' like a slob.
Uh-huh. And then
that's effective?
Oh, hell yes,
I've cut millions off of deals
by eatin' baked beans
with my hands.
Well, clearly you just need
a refresher course
on table etiquette.
Great.
When's my first lesson?
Oh, I walked into that,
didn't I?
Oh, yeah.
They, uh... They haven't
invented any new utensils
while I've been away,
have they?
No.
Are you sure? Because I-I-I
think I heard somebody mention
something about a spork?
Oh, l-l-look at this.
What's this?
Uh,
"birth...certificate."
Look at those tiny
little feet.
Still the same size.
Whoa, that's weird.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
Is that for real?
I don't-- Th--
That looks
very official to me.
No, that's impossible.
It says it right here.
That has to be a mistake.
What if it's not?
It has to be.
What if it's not?
Bill.
What?
Bill. Just found out
something really weird.
Here, look at this,
look at this.
Look, people, I'm sure
what you have to show me
is utterly fascinating,
but I don't have the time.
I'm on my way
to my first training session
with my new personal trainer,
Ted Chambers, himself.
If you'll excuse me.
No, but--
Bill, no, no...
You have to...
Where'd you get this?
Dave's personal file.
It has to be a mistake.
Catherine, we're just
as shocked as you are.
So Dave is...
Canadian?
Oh, oh, I can't
believe this.
Canadian?
[♪]
TED:
So, Mr. McNeal,
we all ready for
your first training session?
Sure am, Ted.
Excellent.
Because you know
the right attitude
is 90%
of any training program.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Well, I like to start off
with the bench press,
so why don't you lie
down right here?
All right.
Other way.
Now, I'm gonna
start you off light,
but we're gonna work
hard today.
Okay, bring it on.
All right, then.
Nice and easy.
Full extension
and...
one.
Very good.
And two. Excellent.
And three,
and four--
Hey! Hey!
Where'd Ted go?
Ted's a busy man.
My name's Vic. Okay...
Yeah, I-I-I know,
we've met.
You're the guy who sold me
the membership. But, uh...
Oh, right. Shock Jock!
You're upside-down.
All right, let's go for it.
What are we on? Five?
Three--
Three? Two? One?
Let's start
at the beginning.
No.
Come on.
And shock...
and...jock.
Come on, man,
push it up.
All set?
Yep.
Have a seat.
All right.
Where's the food?
Uh... Let's just pretend
there's food.
Just make-believe?
Yeah.
Dave, make-believe's
for little girls
and mental patients.
I suck at make-believe.
Can't we do something?
Just peanuts, crackers,
anything?
Sure. Hey, uh, how about,
uh...10-day-old donuts?
Perfect.
All right, now...
But, sir, really,
uh, do not eat this.
It is 10 days old.
Yeah, I'll try to resist.
Please, just set it up,
will you? All right.
Do either of you belong
to a gym?
No.
Nope.
Yeah, well, I do.
I just paid an ass-load of money
to join that Ted Chambers Gym.
And Ted is supposed
to be my personal trainer.
But then he disappears,
and may I?
Sure, go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
[DONUT CRUNCHES]
Mmm... Wow.
These are just like the donuts
my mother used to make.
Anyway, I told 'em
I want my check back,
and now they won't
give it to me.
I mean, I just opened
the membership.
There just has to be some kind
of seven-day escape clause
or something
in the contract, right?
Yeah, there's gotta be.
I'm gonna go check that out.
All right,
and...
there you go.
Yeah, thanks.
MATTHEW:
Dave?
Mm-hmm?
Doing a story
on eggs Benedict.
Having trouble
with the research.
Was wondering
if you'd help out.
Salad fork, dinner fork,
dinner Kn*fe, butter Kn*fe.
See, I know
it's poached eggs, right?
And you got hollandaise sauce.
Yes.
Something else...
Yes.
Canadian bacon.
Oh.
Yeah.
[PUFFS]
Canadian?
Yes, yes.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Thank you, gentlemen.
That's all I needed.
[CLICKS HEELS]
All right.
I can't believe it.
All those hours I spent
talkin' hockey with him,
and he pretended
not to be interested.
I feel so naked.
What's new about that?
Catherine, please,
not at a time like this.
What did you find out?
It's all true.
I just confirmed it.
Oh...
How?
Well, let's just say
I laid out a little trap,
and the mouse
took the cheese.
Or the bacon,
as it were.
What?
Look,
so what if he's Canadian?
It doesn't change anything.
He's still the same person.
Is he, Catherine?
Is he?
You think we should
tell Lisa?
Look, we have to be gentle.
Right?
One time I dated this guy
for three months,
and then a friend told me
about his wife.
It was devastating.
BETH:
I'm sorry. Oh...
Was she Canadian also?
[SIGHS]
I'm gonna go get Lisa.
Yeah,
go get Lisa.
I can't believe Dave.
Always talkin' about
how he's from the Midwest,
the heart of America,
where all
the real Americans live.
Now this.
What's going on?
Lisa, have a seat,
have a seat.
Lisa, did you ever think
that you knew someone
really well,
and then you found out
something about him
that you didn't know?
You're gay?
I am?
You are?
What?
It's about Dave.
MATTHEW: Yeah.
Dave's gay?
He is?
What?! What?
Is he?
Wow.
No, Dave
is Canadian. Canadian.
Dave's Canadian.
See? Yeah.
What?
This is the big news?
Well, we--
We just found out.
We didn't know
if you knew or not.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, come on.
Who didn't know that?
You're Canadian?
I am?
Not...you, sir. Him.
Oh, no, Dave,
h-he's from the Midwest,
the heart of America
where the real Americans live.
You're as American
as apple pie,
aren't you, Dave?
Yeah.
Oh, well, then what
is this all about?
What's what all--?
What--?
Uh, what's what?
You're afraid to say it,
aren't you?
No.
Yes, you are.
If you have nothing to hide,
say "about."
No. No.
Say it. Say " out."
No.
"House." "Pouch."
Your Honor,
I plead the Fifth.
I don't know
if you have that right.
But I do too, eh?
[LISA GASPS]
Oh, my God!
[♪]
LISA:
Why didn't you tell me you're Canadian?
Because I'm not.
Why does it say so
on your birth certificate?
Say what?
That you're Canadian.
Oh, Canadian. Oh.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah,
I guess, uh...
Yeah, I guess
technically speaking
you could say I was Canadian.
What is technically speaking?
Well, technically--
Uh, technically,
my mother is Canadian,
and, uh, technically,
I-I was born in Canada.
Uhhh, you know,
w-we l-left Canada
when I was 5 years old,
so it's really not a big deal.
It sounds like it's a bit
of a big deal to me.
Uh-huh, look, I--
I hardly even remember Canada.
I have a vague recollection
of a very clean state-run
daycare facility,
and that's about it.
You know, Dave, I have told you
everything about myself.
Everything.
Look, I-I was five.
You haven't told me
what you were doing
when you were five.
Yes, I have.
Remember?
They tested me
for preschool,
found out I was reading on
a fourth-grade level, Right.
and found out I could do
long division in my head--
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
I remember now.
I recall the conversation.
I still don't know
why it's such a big deal.
If you didn't tell me
about this,
who knows what else
you're keeping from me?
Well, you've got me,
all right?
Yes, yes, I'm Canadian,
and I'm actually 46 years old,
I'm secretly married
and have two children
living in New Jersey,
and at night I patrol
the streets of Gotham City
in my customized
Dave-mobile.
You know, yesterday I would have
known you were joking.
Today I'm not so sure.
Good day, sir.
[♪]
DAVE:
Okay, let's try this one more time.
All right.
All right?
Would the gentleman care
for an hors d'oeuvre?
Yeah, I believe I'd like
to try that stapler.
That looks delicious.
Very good, sir.
Thank you.
So you're Canadian, eh?
Yeah.
I guess I am.
Why'd you keep it
a secret for so long?
I didn't. I just didn't think
it was a big deal.
Come on, Dave.
Lie to them.
Don't lie to me.
I'm not lying, all right?
Look, I'm a Canadian.
Who cares? I don't.
You don't, huh?
Mm-mmm.
Are you sure?
Okay.
I care.
I care a lot. All right?
Look, this--
This little secret has...
sort of dogged me
my whole life.
Then talk to me.
Well, when we first moved
to the States when I was a kid,
I was worried about what
the other kids would think
if they found out
I wasn't, you know...
actually an American.
What'd you think
the other kids would think?
It's remarkably stupid.
It's not stupid...
No, it is.
It's embarrassing.
...if it bothers you
this long.
Well, I-I was--
I was afraid the other kids
would think...
we were spies.
Spies?
Yes.
Canadian spies?
That is remarkably stupid.
Well, when you're five,
you don't really understand
the intricacies
of international espionage.
You poor thing.
You poor misguided
Canadian bastard.
[♪]
Hey, buddy! Good to see ya.
Don't give me that song
and dance. I want my money back.
Okay, now, sometimes
after the first workout,
if you're a little out of shape,
a lot of emotional stuff
can come up, so...
No, no, it's nothing like that.
I want out.
Okay, well, let me take a look
at the contract.
There must be some kind
of loophole here.
Nope. Not on this one.
I don't need a loophole.
I quit.
Quit?
That's one four-letter word
I thought you didn't use,
Mr. Shock Jock.
I'm not a shock jock.
I just want my money back now.
I demand satisfaction now.
Okay, let me hip you
to something, pal. All right?
That dude in there?
Ted Chambers?
He might seem like a nice, big,
cuddly, warm, fuzzy, you know,
honey bear type of guy
to you, right?
I got news for you.
He's one bad S.O.B.
Okay?
And he runs the show.
I can't even pop a zit
without getting
his initials on it first.
I don't care.
Just do it.
You're not
hearin' me here.
Look at me. Who am I?
Who am I?
I'm Ted Chambers' puppet.
Okay?
He's Wayland Flowers,
I'm Madame.
Quite frankly, I'm--
I'm scared of the guy,
most of the time.
Now, look, I'm sorry to have
to put you in this predicament--
Predicament?
[SCOFFS]
Predicament.
I just think it's weird
that we're even having
this conversation.
I mean, how did we get here?
Sit down.
I mean, this is us.
You know?
I mean, you and I,
we are just like,
you know,
two halves of the coin, man.
Both got our demons, huh?
Huh?
You're lucky you get
to work 'em out on the radio,
you know, doin'
the crazy mornin' zoo crew
with the prank phone calls,
and the bells
and the beep, boop, bee-ooh!
Yeah, yeah, just give me
my money back!
[♪]
Okay, before we start, let's
just get this out of the way.
Yes, I am Canadian.
Ah-ha!
Sorry I didn't mention it.
I didn't think it was
such a big deal.
What, are you ultra sensitive
about it or something?
No.
Were you afraid
we're gonna kick your ass?
No.
You should be.
I have a few things
I'd like to say.
[SIGHS]
When I look around
this table,
I see a rainbow
of national origins.
Where'd your family
come over from, Joe?
Italy.
Beth?
Ireland.
Catherine?
Africa.
Oh, wow,
you're from Africa?
And of course,
Matthew's from Neptune.
I, myself, am descended
from the ancient Pilgrims,
who came over
on the Mayflower from...
Portugal or someplace
like that.
JIMMY:
Dave, I'm--
I'm having a little trouble
with this artichoke that...
Uh, just-just a minute,
please, sir.
Now, Bill, I-I-I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
but really, I-I'm fine
with this, all right?
Yes, it's true, Dave,
if indeed that is his real name,
may not know
who the 11th president was--
James Polk.
Or who won
the '67 World Series--
St. Louis Cardinals.
Or what the capitals
of Arizona, Arkansas
and North Dakota are--
Phoenix, Little Rock
and Bismarck.
Or what the state flower,
bird and motto of Hawaii are.
Hibiscus, nene goose,
and, "The life of the lion is
perpetuated in righteousness."
Bill, what
is your point?
I don't remember.
But I think I've proven
that Dave is actually
very well-versed in Americana.
Thank you.
Maybe a little
too well-versed.
Excuse me?
Listen...
if you're insinuating
that I am a spy,
or that any member
of my family is a spy,
then you're way off-base!
Look, just because
we're Canadian,
does not mean we are spies!
[DOOR SLAMS]
Hey, what part of Africa
are ya from?
Shut up.
No, seriously.
Say something in African.
[AFRICAN ACCENT]
Shut up.
[♪]
DAVE:
Well, have fun tonight.
Yeah, thanks. I'll try.
Yeah, hey...
You know what?
You're almost well-mannered
enough to be a Canadian.
I guess I am. Thanks,
that makes me feel better.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
Dave? Can we see you
for a second?
Sure.
Well, I think you forgot
your torches and pitchforks.
We just wanted
to apologize.
We're sorry.
Really sorry.
We're very sorry.
Really.
It's okay
if you're Canadian.
You know,
a lot of people are.
Hundreds of people.
And you know, Dave, we all have
our little secrets, you know?
For instance, my résumé
says that I'm 23.
[CHUCKLES]
Just between you and me,
I'm just a little older
than that.
Some-- Sometimes
I steal office supplies.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too. CATHERINE: Me too.
Well, uh...thanks everyone.
That makes me feel better,
and a-apology accepted.
Okay. You're welcome.
Good night, Dave.
ALL: Bye, Dave.
Good night.
And stop stealing
office supplies.
ALL:
Bye.
Lisa?
Yes?
I'm sorry.
I-- I should have told you.
Yes, you should have.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, good...
Now, this, uh,
Dave-mobile? Mm-hmm?
Is it, uh,
a*t*matic or stick?
Well, I could
show you, but...
I've never taken a girl
to the Dave-cave.
What's up with the gym bag,
dude?
I'm going down
to the Ted Chambers Gym.
Thought that guy
was rippin' you off.
No, we worked out
a special deal,
where I can actually make money
by working out there.
Man, this is great.
Wait'll I tell my friends
that my personal trainer
is the Bill McNeal.
Okay, we're gonna
start you out slow.
And one.
Good. Let's go for two.
Yeah, so, what's it like
being on the radio, Bill?
Bill?
What--?
Bill?
Mr. McNeal had to go get a rubdown.
My name's Vic. I'll be
helping you out today.
BILL CLINTON:
I wanna thank the First Lady
for these remarkable
three and a half years
we've had
in the White House,
for putting up
with a phenomenal
amount of abuse
solely because
she happened
[DISHES CLATTER]
to be married to me.
And doing it
with good humor
and good grace
and a strong heart.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Who's your favorite group?
Uh...Kenny G.
Garbage. Definitely Garbage.
Good choice.
Havin' a gold membership
is like a backstage pass to see
the Garbagemen live.
Huh? Huh?
You get to work 'em out
on the radio
with your crazy zoo crew,
with the prank phone calls,
and the bells
and the characters.
Mr. Green Chuckle, and all those
crazy little... things.
[ALL LAUGHING]
03x11 - The Trainer
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Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.