03x16 - Kids

[bunniefuu]

Can I use the spell check
program on your computer?

Sure.
Great.

What do you need
to check? Oh, this.

So where would I put these?
Just-- Do they go like...?

No, you have to,
um,

type it
into the computer first.

Oh, God, what a ripoff.

Okay, well, all right.
Never mind.

Why don't you give it to me.
I'll proofread it for you.

Uh, no, this is personal.
It's a-- It's a personal essay.

About what?
Golf.

Golf?

Why golf?

Well, why not?

Oh, Beth, I need to
talk to you about-- Oh!

Oh, my God!

[DAVE GROANS]
Are you okay?

DAVE: Yeah, I'm fine.
BETH: Can you get up?

DAVE: I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine.
Gosh.

Really?
Dave.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
What happened?

Oh, nothing. Uh--
MATTHEW: Quite a spill.

I see-- I seem to have tripped
on a golf ball.

Huh. I wonder
where that came from.

I don't know.
MATTHEW: You sure you're okay?

Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Okay, good.

[GROANS]

[LAUGHING
QUIETLY]

What's
so funny?

[LAUGHING]
I'm sorry.

I'm just loving that
it wasn't me this time.

I'm sorry.

What? What?

I'm the one always
flipping and tripping and--

I'm the spaz of the office,
and this time it's you.

You're a spaz.
Apparently I am, yeah.

Well, let's get back
to work, shall we?

Okay.
Great.

Sorry you fell.
Uh-huh.

Sorry.
[CACKLES]

Matthew?
Yeah?

Uh, uh--

Would you like
a commemorative souvenir

of this joyous
occasion?

All right, all right.
All right, here you go.

[SCREAMS]

[♪]

[HORNS HONKING]

BILL:
Morning, Skipper.

Oh, uh--
Good morning, Bill.

Uh...misplace something?

Nope. Just looking
for some pretzels.

Really? I thought maybe
you were looking for some...

erotic literature?

Is that the Canadian phrase
for p*rn mag?

Yes.

Well, thanks for
the offer, chief.

But I buy my adult
magazines at a newsstand

thirty blocks from my house,
while wearing a fake mustache.

Y-you can't leave this
sort of thing lying around.

If one of our female coworkers
found it, she'd have--

She'd have grounds
for a lawsuit.

Bill, do you hear me?

Yes, of course,
but this isn't mine.

No? Well then, whose is it?
I don't know, but--

But this most certainly
does not belong

in the office place.
Work.

Staff meeting.
Huh?

What were you guys
talking about?

Nothing.
Come on, Dave.

You never tell me anything.

No, look--
It was--

It was really
nothing.

Beth, Beth. All right,
if you must know... Mm-hm.

...we were planning a surprise
birthday party for you.

Dave, you guys
have been planning that

for like three years now,
and I'm starting to think

it's never, ever
gonna happen.

[SIGHS]

Uh, sorry to
keep everyone.

I just had to get something,
uh, organized.

JIMMY:
At any rate, I have become involved

with a charitable
organization

that I think we can
all get behind.

Glad to, Jim.
How much?

It's not money I'm
looking for, Bill. It's time.

Glad to, Jim.
How much? Shut up, Bill.

Glad to, Jim.
I have recently become a--

A mentor to a group
of young students

who I think could just be
the broadcasters of the future.

Broadcasters
of the future. Wow.

They're not time travelers,
Matthew.

They're just bright, motivated
kids who could learn a lot

from watching
all you people work.

So, what do you say?

MATTHEW: I love it.
Yeah.

Uh, fine by me.
Let's give it a sh*t.

How about next week?

How about right now?
Come on in, g*ng.

There
they are.

Sir, I thought
they'd be a little older.

Yeah, well, that's
what I thought

when I met you, Dave.

Hello,
little people.

Welcome to the magical
world of WNYX.

You're stupid.
[GIGGLES]

That one's mine.
[LAUGHS]

That one's mine.

JIMMY:
Ah. There it is.

You know--
Sir,

I think this is a wonderful
gesture, you know,

helping the kids out
and all, but... Yup.

...we really could have used
a little more advance notice.

Oh, well, you know me, Dave.

I'm not much for giving notice
or filling out forms,

or any sort of
bureaucratic, uh...

What's the word?

Mumbo jumbo?
No.

Uh, gobbledygook?
No.

Uh, foofaraw?

Absolutely not.
But you get the picture.

You know, I--
What I want is,

these kids to get a--
A good picture of how--

How things are done in a...
In a well-run newsroom.

Are you paying
attention, Dave?

Folderol.
Hmm? What?

F-folderol?
What are you talking about?

W-what?
Just pay attention, all right?

Hey, what's up?
Hi, Joe.

Hey, Joe.
What's up, Mr. James?

What's going on?

Are you, uh... Are you
looking for something?

Yeah.
You know what?

I think I might have the, uh--
The item over here.

Oh, yeah? No, here
it is. Duct tape.

I'm teaching little Greg
about duct tape.

JIMMY: Oh?
Duct tape was invented

a long time before you were born
by somebody really smart.

The end.

See you, Joe.
Alrighty.

Well, Dave, are you--
Are you sure you're okay

with this kid thing, all right?

I mean, y-you seem
uncomfortable.

Do I?
Yeah, well, that's probably

just because you're
sitting on a nudie magazine.

It's-- Oh, it's not mine.
Don't worry.

Don't worry, Dave.

Nobody is gonna
give you a spanking,

unless it's self-administered.

No. It's not mine though.
Hey, I don't-- I don't care.

I don't care whose it is.
I just don't want to get sued.

So leave your dirty
magazines at home.

Yeah, all right.
But it's not mine.

Yeah, right.
I didn't--

I'll check back
with you after lunch.

Well, but--

Y-you're leaving us alone
with these kids here?

Yeah. I'm taking the teacher
out to, uh, discuss

the educational imperatives
for the 21st century.

Uh-huh.

Almost ready,
Mr. James?

You have no idea.
[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I'll be right with you.
Well, great.

Educational imperatives?

Yeah, well...

In the immortal words
of Van Halen,

before that dumb ass
Sammy Hagar joined the group

and ruined it,
"I'm hot for teacher." Huh.

So then
when the, uh--

The reporters are finished
writing their stories,

they bring them to me,
and I edit them.

And then I give them
to Mr. McNeal or Ms. Duke,

and they take them
into that, uh...

That glass room
out there.

And guess what happens
in there?

Some other boring stuff?

Right. Yeah.
And then I--

I come in the next day
and do it all again.

And then the day
after that,

and the day
after that until...

30 or 40 years
have gone by.

So?

So enjoy your finger-painting
and kickball now,

while you can.

What do you say
to a snack? Huh?

Yeah. Come on.

And that. Here we go.

Some cookies
and half-and-half.

God--

Darn it.
MATTHEW: Dave?

Uh-huh?
We have a little situation here

I'd like you to arbitrate.
Uh, what is it?

Well, Adam took my scissors,
and he won't give them back.

I had them first.
No, you didn't.

Did so.
He didn't.

No, you didn't.

Did so.
Did not.

Did so...
Did not. La-la-la...

I can't hear you.
He's lying!

What? Well, just
give me the scissors.

Thank you.
Now they are mine.

This is so unfair.

Matthew, did you leave
a magazine lying around in here?

Um...
Cat Fancier?

No, but you're close.

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

That is not mine.
Mm-hmm.

But can I
look at it?

Would you get Bill and Joe
in here, please.

Yeah.

Now, Mr. James, I--
No. No, no, no.

Jimmy. Jimmy, please.

Mary.
So, Jimmy,

what made you decide
to become involved

in our mentoring program?

Well, Mary, uh--

How can I put this?

Um, I'm rich, single,
got plenty of time and energy,

and I-- I love kids.

I see.
And teachers too.

Oh, my. Well, you're quite
the A student, aren't you?

I never got
an A in my life.

Well, maybe you never had
the right teacher.

Yeah, that could be.

Hey, Rod man, everything
come out okay?

Some guy in there
wanted me to give him money

for turning on
the faucet.

Well-- Well, that's okay.
It's a...

That's a washroom
attendant.

You know, just-- Just
pretend you didn't see him.

I didn't have any money,
so I didn't wash my hands.

Well, you-- You don't
have to pay him,

but you do have to
wash your hands.

Cleanliness is very important
in the business world,

isn't that right,
Mr. James?

Not really.

Warren Buffett's got
fingernails

like a coal miner.

Cool.
Yeah.

But that doesn't mean
it's okay

for little boys
to sit down to eat

with dirty hands,
now, does it?

Rodney, did you pee
on your hands?

No.
That's good enough for me. Let's order.

I don't care who's
leaving these...

p*rn mags...

around, I just
want it to stop.

Quiet!
The great

Bill McNeal
will now speak.

Well put, Kevin.
Let's be honest here.

Just because someone
was careless enough

to leave these dirty...

p*rn mags...

around, doesn't mean
we need a lecture about--

Look, a lecture might
save us a lawsuit.

Can I have
a soda?

Sure.

DAVE:
Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?

Because I needed
two hands free

to demonstrate the many
other uses of duct tape.

All I'm saying is,

thank God it was me that found
these particular items,

because a female coworker
might consider them

to be a serious
workplace violation.

David, I didn't
do it. Okay? [BILL SNAPS]

You're a spaz.

Hey, Dave, could you
go over something--?

I'm--
I'm sorry. What are you doing?

It's a guys-only
meeting.

Why can't we sit in?

Because girls
are stupid.

I did not teach him that.
Yes, you did.

No, Beth, I'm sorry,
but really, you have to go.

I'll explain it later.

Why aren't girls allowed
in the meeting?

Because girls are stupid,

and boys are the best.
No.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I guess we know
who the future congressman is.

Come along,
little missy.

Anyway, and Dave,
of all people,

should be aware
that a boys-only meeting

is inappropriate
workplace behavior.

Dave doesn't have an
inappropriate bone in his body.

Who? The little boy
in the blue suit?

Yes. Anyway, I'm sure
he has a good reason.

Mm-hmm. And that
would be...?

I don't know. Who knows?
I mean,

you're talking about a guy
that likes to curl up

with a nice workplace
ethics manual

before he goes to bed.

Ooh, how romantic.

Regardless,
a boys-only meeting

does send
a bad message.

Right, Martha?

Why are you black?

Why not?
Can I be black like you?

I'll put in a call
and see what I can do.

Anyway...I think, to exclude
these little girls--

These precious
little creatures who...

are the, uh-- The future,
really, of womankind--

You do that again,
and I will t*rture you.

Beth...

Whoop! Yes?

I spilled.

Oh, you did.
That's okay, honey.

Um, Catherine,

is there
some clean, um,

WNYX T-shirts
in Dave's drawer?

Uh, Lisa...

What was that you were
saying about Dave's...

inappropriate bones?
BETH: What?

Are you sure
you're aware

of all of Dave's
bedtime reading material?

Oh! My...

[SHUTS DRAWER]

Open it.

[WHISPERS]
I don't want them to see it.

Me neither. But I think
you just broke my hand.

Oh.

Well...these obviously
aren't Dave's.

Look, it's okay,
Lisa.

I mean, just because Dave
has one or two or...

Actually, seven.

Seven of these
hidden in his desk.

Doesn't mean
that you're not

special to him
also.

Well, I-I didn't say
that it did.

Well, Catherine's right,
because, I mean,

we all know that men
need to look at these

on a regular basis,
or they can get really sick.

All right, Beth,

which one of your former
boyfriends told you that?

All of them. All I'm saying
is that if Dave wants

to look at pictures of--
Shh!

Oh.

Fine. What word
would you like to use?

I don't want to use any word.
We should just forget this.

It's none our business.
How about, apples?

Apples?
Alrighty, fine. Apples, it is.

Anyway, all I'm saying is,

even though Dave has a very
nice apple tree at home,

sometimes he gets curious about
what other apples taste like.

I think that it's time
we all went back to work.

Why don't we just--
Beth's right.

I mean, there's
a world out there

full of red apples
and green apples,

and MacIntosh apples,
and--

Fuji apples?
Very good, Kim.

And Fuji apples.

I mean, Dave might like
a nice, exotic Fuji apple

every now and then.

Right. But his favorite apple
is the apple back home.

Granny Smith apples?

Exactly.

Good old, reliable

Granny Smith apple
back home.

Okay. Who wants to
photocopy their face?

GIRLS [IN UNISON]:
Me. Me. Me.

Uh-- They're not mine.

What aren't?

The...

The p*rn mags.
Oh, those.

No, no.
No, I--

That's okay. It's just--
It's healthy.

It's natural. It's just all,
you know, different apples--

Different...

No, I, uh--

No, I found them
in the break room,

and I put them there
so no one would be offended.

Oh, Dave, this is embarrassing
enough for me as it is.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, if you think
it's embarrassing for you,

imagine how it is for me.
Yeah, but if they're not yours,

why are you embarrassed?
Huh?

Uh...come on, Kim.

How come you're
so rich, Jimmy?

Mr. James
is successful

because he worked harder,
and he learned--

Not really. I'm
actually kind of lazy,

if you want to know
the truth.

But, uh, once you got
a lot of money, uh,

you can basically
just sit around, goof off

and watch your money
make money.

I gotta go
again.

Oh, first we ask for
permission.

No, that's okay.

If you gotta go to the can,
go to the can.

Permission, Rodney.

May I please go to the can?
Attaboy. Get out of here.

[SIGHS]

Look, could you do me
a little favor? Yeah.

Help me out with Rodney.
Mm-hmm.

I-it's hard enough
to teach him proper manners

without you contradicting
every single thing I say.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
I was doing that.

Okay, yeah...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Tell you what, I'll, uh--
When he comes back,

I'll tell him the evil Jimmy
left, and I took his place.

Kids believe that
kind of crap, right?

I've got an easier
solution.

Lay it on me, teach.

Sit up straight,
stop picking your teeth,

and no more laughing

when Rodney, as you put it,
"rips one off."

Oh. Ahem. I don't know if
that sounds easier, but, uh,

you know,
I'll give it a sh*t.

And take your elbows
off the table.

Oh. What the hell.

And don't say hell.

Damn.
And don't say damn.

All right,
but what the f--

[KIDS YELLING]

Could you send someone to cut
this tape off my wrists, Dave?

Yeah, in a sec.

All right, kid,
come on.

Sorry, it's just grownups only
right now, all right?

BETH:
Dave! Sorry.

Hey, Bill, can you
grab me a cold one, please?

Sure.

Thanks, Greg.
You're welcome.

GIRL:
You're out of staples!

Lisa, do you wanna
come in here.

GIRL: Get back here.
Oh!

Well, now it's just us grownups,
so let's cut the crap.

Who's leaving
the p*rn mags lying around?

[SIGHS]
You know, Dave,

if you want to discuss
your filthy business

with everyone, that's fine.

I don't see why I
have to be dragged into it.

It's not filthy,
Lisa.

It's perfectly
natural.

If a man doesn't
look at those,

he can get
really sick.

Look, I don't care who it is,
just own up to it.

Lisa thinks they're mine.

Well, I have an idea.
Why don't the five of us

all go see a couples
therapist together, hmm?

Um, Lisa, come on.

Look, guys, I'm-- I'm
asking you as friends.

Please, just tell me
who it is.

Dave, did you ever
stop to consider

that it might be one
of the 15 or 20 other guys

who work in this station?
Joe's right.

How come every time
there's a problem,

you assume that it's one of us?
What about them?

What if it was...

that guy whose name
I don't know?

Or the guy
who sits by him?

Or the girl--

Because somebody gave
those people

the impression they're not
allowed in the break room.

Well, Dave,
I consider that room

to be a private sanctuary
where I can escape

from all those horrid little
people whose names I don't know.

Who cares about this?
It really doesn't matter--

Look, yeah, well,
I don't care who it is either,

but you know what...

Just as long as my trusting
girlfriend knows it isn't me.

So...if the person who left
the magazines in there

is in this room,

write on a slip of paper,
"I did it,"

and put it in a cup.

What if we
didn't do it?

DAVE:
Then write, "I didn't do it."

Dave, why are you
so obsessed with this?

I just want to
clear my name.

No. I mean,
p*rn.

Dave.
Thank you.

[SIGHS]
There.

The proof is in the cup.

"I did it."
Ah-ha.

"I did it."
"I did it."

Well...

Sweet of you guys
to cover for Dave.

It's the least
we could do.

Just trying to help out.
So the guy

has an insatiable appetite
for hard-core p*rn.

So what?

MATTHEW:
Dave, let it go.

Come on, Lisa has.
And frankly, she's the one

that should be
really mortified.

Lisa...
[KIDS YELLING]

Well...how was
lunch, you two?

Lovely, Bill.

Thank you for asking.

Don't mention it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, please.
Allow me, my dear.

TEACHER:
Why, thank you very much.

It's my pleasure.

Jimmy, could I talk with you
for a second?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bill, do you
have something

you'd like to share
with the rest of us?

What have you done to him?

I've educated him
on proper behavior.

BILL:
Oh, really?

We don't need your education.

We don't need
your thought control.

Bill, please. That's not
a very nice tone of voice

to take to a lady.
[SIGHS]

This has been a very
productive day for Jimmy.

Mm-hmm.
He's improved

his listening skills,
his grammar and his manners.

You could learn a thing or two
from him, Mr. McNeal.

I'm sure I could.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Well, it's time
for us to go.

Will you give me
a call, Jimmy?

It would be my pleasure.
Oh, thank you.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Goodbye, Rodney.
Bye.

Bye-bye.

You had me scared there.

Yeah, well...
Now, don't worry.

I just had to play
her game till...

she got interested in me.

I'll bring her over
to the dark side later.

Did you get her number?
Yeah, sort of.

Uh, she gave it to me
in a math problem.

See, it's...
See, it's 212, and then, uh,

you're supposed to subtract
this number from this number.

And that would be...

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Uh...

Forgot my backpack.
Yeah.

No, Rod man, Rod man.
Come here.

Could you help me out
with this?

Right there.

555-0122.

Excellent.
Thanks. Thanks.

And just remember: Everything
she tells you is wrong.

555--
Wait a minute!

555-- That's one of those
fake telephone numbers!

All right,
for the last time,

those magazines
are not my property.

What, are you telling me
you're part of some

Socialist p*rn-swapping
club or something?

You know, it's women
like you

that drive men to magazines.
I knew it.

All right. Enough!
Do you guys wanna know

who the office
p*rn fiend is?

Yes.
Dave.

What's it worth to you?

Five thousand dollars.

Let's just say,
you promise to help me

with my golf essay instead.

Done.
Lisa?

Fine. Whatever.
Okay.

I just wanna
get it over with.

All right.
I just want you to know,

this is not
easy for me,

because I am
not a snitch.

[SIGHS]

All right.

It was me.

Yes!
Why?

A friend of mine
told me

that you can make
a lot of money

writing the dirty
letters to the editor

in those magazines.

Anyway...here is
the essay

that you promised
to help me with, so--

Actually, it's not so much
an essay as it is a--

It's more of a letter.

Oh, let me guess,
it's not really about golf?

No, no. The beginning is.
But then it...

You know,
it kinda...meanders off.

Anyway...thanks a lot,
you guys.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Wait a minute.
Is-- Is this...?

Grammatically correct?

No, I was gonna say,
physically possible.

Oh.

[WHISPERS]
Yes.

Uh, Beth?
Yeah?

Uh, did those kids
leave yet?

About an hour ago.

Ah. Then could you take care
of something for me.

They were kissing.

I know. It's icky,
isn't it?

Yeah.

Hey.
Bye, Adam.

Bye, spaz.

[♪]