03x21 - Sleeping

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
Post Reply

03x21 - Sleeping

Post by bunniefuu »

Joe...
Why didn't you tell me

you were defrosting
the fridge?

My lunch was in there.

JOE:
Hey, Catherine,

I'm defrosting
the fridge.

Thank you.

Blah!
Ahhh!

Oh, my God!

You almost gave me
a heart att*ck! You idiot!

I got you. I got you.

Joe, I got her.

Way to go,
dude.

Get out of there, Matthew.

Oh, I'm
sorry.

Ahh!

Now we're even.

Come on.

Ah!

Now I'm ahead.

Can I please
come out now? Come on.

Hey, wait a minute. Hold on.
Somebody else is coming.

One more time.
You sure?

Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.

Hey.

Huh?

You go, girl!

Booga!
Ahhh!

[ALL LAUGHING]

You got me!

You got me!

That was great!

I tried to
warn you, Jimmy.

Oh, my whole body's
tingling here.

Oh, Mr. James.
I'm sorry.

I got you both.

Yes, you did.
You got me.

Are you okay,
Jimmy?

[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I'm fine.

My-- My arm's
kind of tingling,

but, I mean,
what a rush.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Come on,
Mr. James.

You can't prank
a prankster.

Come on,
Mr. James.

Jimmy?

[SIREN WAILING]

[♪]

Mr. James experienced

a mild myocardial infarction.

A small heart att*ck.

He's currently unconscious,

but we fully expect him
to recover in the next few days.

Uh-huh.
Um, uh, angiogram?

Oh, it's
looking good.

Good. Any arrhythmia?
How's his BP?

Oh, no, it's, uh--
No complaints.

He's, uh--
He's looking good.

Mr. James has
a big heart.

Yeah, well, he's
like a father to us.

No, I mean medically.
The thing's like a roast.

It's unreal.

Thank you.

MAN [OVER PA]:
Paging the staff of WNYX.

Please report to
the morgue immediately.

Oh, my God.

Correction.

Dr. Leibowitz,
report to the morgue.

Those other guys,

some lawyer wants to
meet you in the chapel.

Come on.
Um...

Mr. James
has some rather

specific instructions
regarding his care,

in the event of
a life-threatening illness,

so, um...
Mm-hm.

If you please...

Hello, everyone.

If you're watching this,
I've probably been forced

to flee the country
due to a mix-up with the IRS.

Oops, oops.

Okay, that's not
the right tape.

Yeah, pretend
you never saw that.

Hello, everyone.

If you're watching this,
I'm probably suffering

from some sort of
life-threatening illness.

I have only one request.

That's to spend
the rest of my time with

my friends and colleagues
at WNYX.

Oh, and if I finally achieved
my lifelong goal of

buying
the Harlem Globetrotters,

send them on over.

Make them run some drills
or something.

I don't know. I can
watch those crazy nuts...

[TURNS TV OFF]

Is that it?

Well,
he goes on

about the Globetrotters for
quite a while, and...

Well, I guess we'll have to
hire a temporary staff, to, uh--

To run the station
while we're all over here--

No, no, no. Mr. James
made it quite clear

that he would like business
to continue as usual.

Well, I hardly think
this is business as usual.

Well, at least
the Globetrotters aren't here.

[MONITOR BEEPS]

Excuse me,
doctor.

ALL:
Yes?

Actually, I just needed
to talk to one of you.

Who's
in charge here?

ALL:
I am.

You'll do nicely.
All right.

No offense,
everyone.

So, what can
I do for you?

Well, we were
just wondering

if there's anything
we could do to help.

Yes, actually,
there is.

Mr. James needs
to be surrounded

by some friendly
voices.

So maybe it would be best
if the staff

could talk to him
around the clock.

Uh, just talk
to him.

Right. You see, when a patient
is in this state,

even though he can't
technically hear you,

often it's a familiar voice
that pulls him through.

I'd just like to say,
this is the weirdest thing

I've ever
been asked to do. Well, uh,

Bill, if you're uncomfortable,
no one's gonna force you.

Don't get me wrong.
I love Jimmy.

I mean,
I wish to high heaven

Matthew hadn't given him
a massive heart att*ck.

He's just
resting!

Okay. He's taking a little
snooze-a-rooni.

He's fine. He's fine.
He's fine.

He's fine. He's fine.
Right?

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Well, it won't be
the first time

this voice
has saved a life.

What are you
talking about?

Remember?
Last year.

That guy who stepped
in front of the bus?

"Look out!"

Life saved. You're welcome.
No charge.

So the guy says,
"No. I said peacemaker,

not pacemaker."

[LAUGHS]

That's a little
heart att*ck humor for you.

Thought you'd like that one.

Say, you mind if I smoke?

[LAUGHS]
Just kidding.

Bill...

Just-- Just a sec, Dave.

Dr. McNeal is dispensing
some laugh medicine.

Bill, can I
talk to you

in my office
for a minute?

Okey-dokey.

Don't go anywhere, Jimmy.

And if you do,

make sure you take along
an extension cord.

[LAUGHS]

You know, because
he's-- All right.

Uh, Joe, would you mind
sitting with Mr. James?

I'm talking
about those horrible

and horribly inappropriate
jokes you were telling.

Some of us have different ways

to deal with sadness, my friend.

And your way
is to make fun of a man

who's too sick
to defend himself?

It's called tough love.
Get used to it.

Bill, it is not tough love.

Oh, please.
You wouldn't know tough love

if it stripped you
to your Jockeys

and made you stand all night
in the rain.

Bill, it's insensitive
and inappropriate,

and you've gotta
cut it out, all right?

I wish I could,
but the more upset I get,

the worse it gets.

Well--

Can't you ever just be
sincere and normal?

In real life? No.

What do you mean in real life?

Well, when I'm on the air,
I open up completely.

Really bare my soul.

Bill, you do news,
weather and traffic.

Yes, but I mean it.

And back when I was a DJ,
on my college station,

I'd pour my heart out
from midnight till 6.

Better than therapy.

All right, well,
just try to pretend

you're back at
your college radio station.

Hey, listen. You're not trying
to get me to smoke pot, are you?

It's, like,
you know--

Like, you're
a high school dropout.

And I'm
a high school dropout.

And you're
a multi-billionaire.

And I'm an electrician.

That kinda sucks.

I mean, Jimmy, what
I'm trying to say is,

if you can
hear me, I'd--

Then a little with
the thumb, like this...

And that's how
Bobby Ojeda

used to throw
his knuckleball.

Hey.

You can go now, Joe.
I'll take over.

Can I have another
half a minute with him?

Sure.
Thanks.

You know, what--
What I'm trying to say is,

you're like
a role model to me,

and I've never really had
a role model before...

except for John Gotti.

And I never
really met him.

Except one time,
I followed him to his house,

and I tried to
jump his fence.

Which really wasn't
such a good idea.

Anyway, Jimmy...

take care.

It's gonna be okay.

And if you saw the Ultimate
Fighting Championship,

you'd know that
that's how Mark Coleman

made Dan Severen tap out.

What's up?

Have fun.
Thank you.

Hi, Mr. James.

It's me...

Lisa.

Um...

I-I'm not really sure, uh,

what I'm supposed to
talk to you about,

so I'm just going to try and--

And speak openly

and honestly from my heart...

which doesn't come naturally.

Um...

But, fortunately,
I've taken some time

to delineate all of
my various feelings

and write them down
on these index cards.

Which, actually,
I've also sequentialized,

in order to maximize
emotional utility.

Okay. Uh...

Okay.

Well, that one's stupid.

Um...

"I hope you get better."

Um...okay.

Well, obviously,
that goes without saying.

I really didn't
have a lot of time

to prepare these for you.

Okay, you know what?

I'm just gonna
be honest.

You know, you have not made
things easy for me, Mr. James.

You know, you are
the only person I have met

who has achieved more
of his life goals than I have.

But, you know,
on the other hand,

it does keep me
from getting complacent.

Because I look at you
and think of all the things

I want to accomplish
before I die.

Uh--

I mean, before I die.

No. I mean, before...

Yeah. Anyway...you know,

actually, I-I have--
I have

conveniently enumerated
all of my goals

on card number 14C,
which is--

It's right there.
Uh...

[WHISPERS]
Sorry, sir.

Yeah. See,
here it is.

Uh..."financial independence."
Check.

Uh, "mentioned in
the New York Times

before the age of 30."
Check.

"Double 800s on my SATs."

Some of these are kind of old,

but nonetheless, check.

"Achieve 10-year career plan
in five years."

Lisa?

Lisa?
Huh?

Uh, you're supposed to be
talking to him.

I w-- I was.
Uh-huh.

I just-- I realized
something though.

What?

Well, it's kind of major.

Ah, what--
What is it?

Well, I'm
very serious.

What is it
already?

I wanna have a baby.

What?
Oh, my God.

[HEART MONITOR
BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[SIGHS]

All right,
let's, uh--

Let's just take this
c-calmly and rationally.

Uh, one step
at a time, all right?

So, uh,

where were we?

I wanna have a baby.

When?
Now.

I don't think you're
taking into account

the gestation period.

Okay.

No. Now.

I mean nine months
from now, "now."

You know what I mean.

How long have you felt this way?

I don't know. I was just
in there talking to Jimmy

about the things I've
accomplished in my life,

and the things I want
to accomplish, and I--

I had a revelation.

Lisa, you can't make
a decision this big

in the blink of an eye.

Dave, you can't make a decision
this big in the blink of an eye.

All the important decisions
I've made like this.

This fast?

Yes. I remember in college,

April 25th, 1985,

I was sitting on the steps
of the library

eating a cheese steak sub
when, boom, it hit me.

Radio journalism.
And here I am.

Mm-hm. And what were
you thinking before that?

That I wish I had ordered
ketchup for my cheese steak.

No, no, no, no.
I meant-- I meant by that,

what were you thinking about
as a career before that?

I wanted to be
a forest ranger.

You wanted to be
a forest ranger?

Yes, Dave. But that
was then, this is now.

Now it's time to have
a baby...with you.

You know what, I--
This just isn't--

This isn't how I expected
this to come up, all right?

Um...I mean, don't you
think we should...

You know...

[STAMMERS]

Why-- You know, get--
Get married.

We should get married.

Why?

Yeah, well-- Well--
You know, I...

love you, and you're my--
I want to spend my,

you know, life with you,
you know?

Dave, it's not time
to get married.

Hm?
No.

I wanna have the baby,
and then maybe later,

we can have a discussion
about getting married.

Okay, and who will be in
on this discussion?

Will it just be
you and the baby?

Or will I have any input at all?

All right. I'm sorry.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I know that this
must be a shock to you.

Well, yeah.
Yeah, it is a little.

Yeah. You know, I'm just
gonna need a little...

time to think about it,
all right?

That's fine.
I understand.

Thanks.
Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]

I'm gonna need a little more
than 30 seconds, all right?

Okay, fine. I'll be back
in five minutes.

Oh, well--

Thanks for
your patience.

Thanks,
Joe.

Hey, no problem, dude.
I hope it helps.

What the hell's
that smell?

Oh, it's the incense
we used to use

back at my college station.

Ebony lust.

Lower the lights on the way out,
would you, please?

You got it,
bro.

[SLOW JAZZ PLAYING]

Rolling right up
on the witching hour.

It's 3 o'clock.

[WOLF HOWL
OVER SPEAKER]

This is Bill McNeal,

the bad boy of WFIB.

[DEEP VOICE]
Bad boy.

The one and only.

I'd like to take
a moment right now

to rap to a solid dude
out there

who's going through
some tough times.

When I think of my personal
heroes, who do I think of?

Thelonious Monk,
of course.

John Coltrane. Jack Kerouac.

Karl Vonnegut.

And that slow-walking,

smooth-talking bad ass

they call simply...Jimbo.

This one goes out
to you, my man.

Let's take a "Slow Ride"
with Foghat.

♪ Slow ride ♪

♪ Take it easy ♪

DAVE:
There-- There is a procedure

that people
follow, you know?

They-- You see,
they-- They meet.

And they fall in love.
Then they get married.

And then they have,
uh, babies.

Well, that's how
some people do it, yes.

That is how
normal people do it.

Well, I'm--

I'm not normal, I guess.

No, I-- But I am.

I am thoroughly
and completely normal.

Yes. I know you are.

Dave, I know you are.
And that's why I love you

and think that you would make
the perfect father for my baby.

So come on.
Gimme some.

Don't.
Dave.

Come on.

What is wrong
with you? I--

And-- And besides,
what about your career?

I mean, you're the last person
I see giving up your job--

I'm not gonna quit my job.
--staying home--

Hm?
No. I could do both.

I only sleep three hours
a night anyway, so--

Oh, great.
So, what are we gonna do?

Turn the break room
into a daycare center?

Yes, after the nursing home
shuts down, maybe.

[GASPS]

You know what?

I have an idea.
Mm-hm.

You could quit your job,

and then you could
stay home with the baby.

Just like John Lennon.

Yeah, that worked out
great for him.

And I do admire
all these things

about you,
but most--

But most of all,
Jimmy...

I admire the way
you stick it to Bill,

day in, day out.

My God, can you make
that boy sweat.

You know what you should
try sometime?

You should tell him
he's fired.

But then, tell him

that you won't
fire him if...

he can guess
why he's fired.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, Catherine?
Oh. Yeah?

Uh, do you mind if I
take over for a minute?

Well, of course
not, Dave.

But you have,
you know,

about 15 minutes
till your shift.

Oh, I know. I-- I just need
to get some advice.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Mr. James, uh,
here we are.

Um...I sure wish
you were awake right now

because I, uh--

Well, I'm thoroughly,
uh, confused.

And usually
when I'm confused,

you're the--
You're the one I go to, and--

Generally speaking, you manage
to confuse me even further.

But somehow it--
It always helps me

to figure out what--
What I-- What I should do.

Um...

Well, here's the--
Here's the situation,

as I understand it.

Um...Lisa has decided

that she wants to
have a baby,

but that she--
She doesn't want

to get married.

Now, I know that
if you were awake,

you would probably
say something like,

"Well, son, why
milk the cow

when you got a fridge
full of steaks?"

And I would probably say,

"That makes absolutely
no sense, sir."

And then I'm sure
you would say,

"Oh, well, it sounded
like it made sense

when that guy Chuck Connors

said it in that movie,
Chinatown."

Then I would be
forced to say,

"Well, sir, Chuck Connors
wasn't in the movie Chinatown."

And I'm sure you would
come back with,

"Well, Dave, if I wanted
to have this conversation,

I'd have hired that guy
Siskel Ebert to do your job."

And I would say, "Sir,
Siskel and Ebert are two guys."

And I'm sure you would
then come back with,

"Dave, just 'cause
the man is fat

is no reason
to make fun of him."

He's fine, he's fine,
he's fine,

he's fine, he's fine,
he's fine.

I swear, if Mr. James
survives this...

little nap
he's taking...

I-I'm gonna change
my whole life.

Oh, yeah? How are you
gonna do that?

[SIGHS]

Well, I'll
tell you.

For one thing, I'm-- I'm--
I'm not gonna jump out

of refrigerators
and yell "blah" anymore.

Oh, but we so love
your wonderful pranks.

And I'm not gonna
jump out of

break room cabinets
and yell "blah" anymore.

And I'm not gonna jump out
from under the table

while you two are on the air
and yell "blah"--

The whole
"blah" thing is out.

That's very
professional of you.

You know
what else?

I'm done pretending
to fall down all the time,

just to make people laugh.

Tsk.

Dude, you weren't
pretending.

Was I, or wasn't I?

That's the prank.

Regardless, I'm done
with it. I'm done.

Say hello to the new
Matthew Brock.

Hello, new
Matthew Brock.

Hello.

Ah!
Oh, my God.

Oh, no! Ah!

I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

Ah!

Oh, my God. Now he's
having a heart att*ck!

Nine-one-one.

[CHUCKLES]

And then you would say,
"No, I know--"

"I know Roman Polanski wasn't--"

"Wasn't in The Rifleman,
he just wrote it."

[CHUCKLING]

Hi.

Hi. What's
so funny?

I was just telling
Mr. James that, ah--

He woke up?

No, I mean-- I mean, something
he would have said.

Uh, never--
Never mind.

Uh...there we go.

[SIGHS]

Uh, no.
No, I'm sorry.

I haven't come up
with a decision yet.

That's okay.
It's okay, really.

I mean, I think that
the main reason this...

whole baby thing came up
all of a sudden,

is just because of Jimmy
and everything.

Yeah, I know. This has been
a traumatic time.

I don't think anyone's
thinking that clearly.

Oh, no. I'm thinking
more clearly than ever.

Meaning?

Meaning, I want to have a baby.

Immediately.

And I want to get married.

At an unspecified time
in the near future.

What, do you think

that I would be
a bad mother?

Is that what this
is all about?

No. That's not it at all.

No. It's just, you can't
have everything,

and you can't have it
all at once.

Well, my mother had six kids
and never stopped working.

Maybe that's why you turned out
the way you did.

And which way
is that?

Excuse me?

Just a second.
And which way is that?

Which way? Not normal.
That is which way.

Guys--
Oh, really?

Could I say
something?

Mr. James,
please--

BOTH:
Oh.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.

Hey.
Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I--
I-- I think so.

Could you guys do me a favor?

Yeah.
Sure.

Good. Um, good.

Could you come closer?

Uh, yes.

Could you two please
just shut the hell up?!

MATTHEW:
What's going on in here?

Hey!
Hey.

Look's like Dorothy's
back in Kansas.

How are you
feeling, Jimmy?

How do you think I feel?
I'm feeling like crap.

You remember any of us
talking to you?

No. No, not really.

The only thing I remember
was I was--

I was walking down
this long, dark hallway

towards a bright light,

And then behind me,
I could hear

Dave and Lisa arguing.

And it's like,

"I want a baby."

"A what?"

"A baby."

"Well, you can't have
a damn baby."

And on and on
and on and on,

and on, and then,
you know,

I listened to that for a second.

Then I started running
towards the bright light.

And then...

something very
strange happened.

MATTHEW:
Well, what?

Well, far away--
far away

--I could hear the most
wonderful music.

You know "Slow Ride"
by Foghat?

You know that song?

Well, I heard that,
and I thought,

man, oh, man,

I'd love to hear
that song one more time, so--

That's why I came back.

["SLOW RIDE" PLAYING]

♪ Slow ride ♪

Yeah, that's it.
That's the one, Bill.

♪ Take it easy ♪

All right, I heard it again.

My work here is done. Goodbye.

[MUSIC STOPS
PLAYING]

Doctor!

Doctor!
Gotcha!

Ha-ha! Blah!

[LAUGHS]

Ah, you rascal,
you.

No, no, really,
seriously.

You know what
I need?

I need, uh, you to get me
a Wall Street Journal,

a big old bowl
of pudding,

and, Bill, you got any Foreigner
or Cheap Trick over there?

Coming at you.

Good. Good.
And can somebody, uh--

Can somebody tell me
something?

Why the hell am I lying here
in the office?

Shouldn't I be in a damn
hospital, or something?

For crying out loud.

Hello, everyone.

If you are watching this,
then I have been...

m*rder*d.

[HORROR THEME PLAYS ON ORGAN]

That the best music
we could get for this?

Help me, Obi-Wan.
You're my only hope.

Help me, Obi-Wan.
You're my only hope.
Post Reply