03x23 - Mistake

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Ooh.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello.
Oh, hi.

Oh, excellent.
Is that your big interview?

No-- Yeah.
Yeah, huh? Hi-- What?

How do you know?

Dave, let me see it,
let me see it.

No. I don't want
anyone to see this ever.

Why?
Wh-why?

Ah, well-- Uh...

How about this
for starters?

Um...

"One of my reporters,
Matthew Brock,

is a walking
technical difficulty."

So that's okay.
So what?

So you insulted Matthew.
It'll be good for staff morale.

Oh, the staff. The staff.
You mean my-- My employees,

who are basically
"a well-intentioned,

but wholly inept
group of bumblers?"

That doesn't even
sound like me.

Okay, so he-- He misquoted you.
I mean, that's--

No, no, no.
I said all these things.

Oh.

Um, why?

Huh, why?

I don't-- Why.
I don't know why.

It was a bad--
I was having a bad day,

and, you know, the--
You know--

The publisher, Eric Rhoades,
took me out for drinks.

Okay, so he got you drunk--

I had coffee.

Uh-huh.
[SIGHS]

Uh, well, then what?

You just thought
it was off the record--

No, no, no, no, no.
"You can quote me on that,"

seems to be my mantra.

[DOOR OPENS]

Your first magazine cover.

Very impressive.

Have you read
the interview yet?

No, I just got--

Great, why don't I autograph
that for you?

Autograph?

So it's gone
to his head already.

I like your style.

Oh, I'm not gonna do it
right now. Uh, no.

I need--
I need a little time to, uh,

think of, you know, uh...

le mot juste.

More juice, I hear ya.

Um...

Morning, Beth.
BETH: Hey!

Dave, I was just starting
your big interview.

There's a copy
of the new Sassy on my desk.

Excellent.

[♪]

"If I want anything
done right in this office,

I have to do it myself."

Oh, that could be
about anybody.

I mean, Dave singled me out
by name.

"I have to do it myself

"because my personal secretary,
Beth,

"has neither the desire,
nor the ability,

to perform
the simplest of tasks."

Still, that could be a typo.

I mean, Dave called me
a walking technician.

I don't even know
what that means.

No, I saw that over--
It's over here.

It's "walking technical
difficulty."

I don't know
what that means either.

It just means
you screw everything up.

Which--
Well, that's fair.

Yeah.
That's fair.

Still, he doesn't have
to make it sound so distasteful.

BOTH:
Yeah.

MATTHEW:
It's not right.

BETH:
I know, I agree totally.

Hi.

Hey.
Oh.

I'm Brent.

Uh-huh.

Your temp.
Oh, right.

Oh, I called the office.
I'm Beth, hi.

Hi.
This is Matthew.

Matthew.
Cat person.

Am I right?

Oh, God, do I have cat hair
all over me again?

No, I mean you look like
a big cat.

Big, tall cat with no hair.

Except on your head.

I like to try
to categorize people

by the animal they could be

if they just tried
a little harder.

Oh. Okay.

Mm.
What?

Brent, let's get you
set up, all right?

Okay.
Um, great.

We need you to categorize
these file tapes--

Parakeet person.

Uh, yeah.
Right, anyway.

We need you to categorize
file tapes and organize them

so we can send them
to the warehouse.

Log them by subject
and air date.

Okay. Well,
I hope I work out.

I mean, you guys seem like
a lot of fun, you know.

I wanna be friends with you.

Um, you do--
You do understand

this is just for today, Brent.

Unless I do a better job

than the guy
who's normally here, right?

Um, there is no guy
who's normally here.

We hire an extra hand
to do this once a year.

It's just a one-day job.

Right.
Okay.

But if I really shine,

I mean, this is just
the kind of thing

that could lead
to something

a little more permanent.
Am I right?

No. Heh-heh.

But good luck.

Okay.
Okay.

Thanks. I mean,
I'm gonna need it

if I wanna get
that full-time spot.

BETH:
Right.

Dave?

[MUFFLED]
Yes?

You wanted to see us?

Yes, um...

Yes, um...

I called you in here
to talk to you about,

uh, the, uh...
interview.

Well, that's all
well and good, Dave,

because I wanna talk to you
about the interview!

Now, b-but, I would like you
to read these.

These are formal letters
of apology.

Thank you, but what do
I have to apologize for?

No.

You were the one
who was sh**ting your mouth off

about "the relentless pain
of trying to cope

"with the hyperinflated egos

and ridiculously immature
behavior of the on-air talent"!

Sorry.

Okay, look. The hyperinflated
egos part was fair,

but didn't you--?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why was the hyperinflated
egos part fair?

Because that part
was about you.

Oh.

Be that as it may,
good sir,

I will not have you calling
this wonderful woman "immature."

That part
was about you also.

I thought that was
about you.

Are you
calling me immature?

He's the one
who's calling you immature.

Is that true, Dave?
Dave?

[GROANS]

You know what?

If Dave thinks
I don't even try

to do a good job,
that's fine. That's fine.

But you know what?
Tell me to my face.

He tells it to your face
every day.

I know.
What's up with that, anyway?

Beth,

you've got to do something
about that new temp.

Why? What's he done?

Well, I don't know
how to say this, but he...

Well, he's weird.

He's weird.

I'm afraid so.

Well, dude,
if anybody's qualified

to make that judgment,
you're the man.

Yeah, I've got a radar
for this sort of thing.

Or a "weird-ar,"
so to speak.

Excuse me.

Oh, speak of the devil.

Hey, there, Brent-o,
how we doin'?

We were, uh,
just talkin' about you.

Only-- Only
good things, though.

Only-- Only-- Only--
Only good things.

Cool. Um, what do you
want me to do with these?

Well, where did you find them?

In my pocket.
I brought them from home.

Okay, um...

I guess you could just
put 'em on back

in your pocket, then.

Okay, I'm on it. Cool.

BETH:
Okay.

Excuse me.

[CHUCKLES]
You see what I mean? You see?

Whatever, man.

Come on, that guy, come on.

The guy's weirder
than a five-dollar bill.

Three-dollar bill, dude.

No, 'cause he's like...

two full dollars
weirder than that, even.

Get out!

Sir, I-I would like you
to read this.

It's-- It's a formal letter
of apology.

Oh, all right, all right.

I-I can see that,
uh, this is, you know,

obviously very long and--
And heartfelt, but--

Yeah, it-- It is.

Well, it's just really long.

You wanna summarize it
for me?

I-I-- I made a horrible mistake,
and I'm very, very, very sorry.

Well, what for--?
For what?

Um...

Uh, for saying
that our advertisers

are a group
of third-rate businessmen

who are either too cheap
or too stupid

to advertise on television.

Doesn't matter.

Any publicity is good publicity.
What else?

I-I-I-- I also said
that our ratings were--

Were horrible, but that
95 percent of New Yorkers

were morons anyway.

Oh. Well, you know,
that-- That-- That's no biggy.

I mean, if--
If I was a moron,

I would be flattered
to be mentioned in a magazine.

There-- There's a little more
to it than that.

Hey, Mr. James.
Hey, Lisa.

But, uh, we-- We can talk
about it later, right?

You know my-- My heart--

Heart really can't take it
right now.

Oh.
In fact, uh,

I-I need my, uh...

I-I-I need my, uh...
Heart medication?

No, cheese crackers.

How'd that go?

Oh, that went fine.

That went fine, but I think
only because I--

I never got around to telling
him what I said about him.

Um, which was what?

Well, I said something
like, um...

"And then there's
our station owner,

"the logic-impaired hayseed
who uses the station

as his own personal
dating service."

Well, that wasn't
a good idea.

No, no.

So you still
haven't read it?

Oh, well, I tried to,

but I couldn't get past

that dreamy picture
on the cover.

Ah.

[♪]

Lisa, I'm just gonna
come out and say this.

I'm not getting
any younger...

and it's very important to me
that my genes

be passed on
to the next generation.

Good for you, Bill.

Listen to me.
I'm serious.

I really want there to be

a child in this world
that's half me.

What are you talking about?

Well, I know you wanna
have a baby,

and I know you don't wanna
get married,

and I know Dave's
not too happy about that, so...

I thought I'd just let you know
that I'm available, no charge.

Okay. Who--? Who--?
Who told you this?

Well, it's all
right in the article.

Anyhoo, uh...

if you want a kid,

I'd like to toss my hat
in the ring.

Well, not my hat.
You know what I mean.

I've taken the liberty

of renting a suite
at the Four Seasons.

I gather that's how this
sort of thing is done.

I'm also open to using
artificial means.

By that, I mean I'd like
to have some magazines around.

Your call.
No pressure.

Here's the key.

"If you have a girlfriend
who wants to have a baby,

but doesn't want
to get married"?

I thought you might do that.

I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing
to say. I-I and I have no...

Hey, um, if you
and that Bill guy

have any problems
conceiving,

um, just try doin' it

upside-down and backwards.

It's just a thought.

Whoa.

MATTHEW:
Now you see, don't ya?

You see, he's just--

He's just-- He's--
He's weird.

Attention must be paid.
Not now, Matthew.

Plus, I heard that
if you do it that way,

the babies
come out sideways.

Whoa.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[♪]

Before you say anything, here,
please read this, please.

You misspelled "embarrass."
How do you know?

You always do,

and there's no comma

after the second "very"

in "very, very sorry."

Here you go.
Thermometer.

[SIGHS]

Bill...

I do not need
a thermometer

to know
when I'm ovulating.

Of course not.

But you'll note
that I'm a very toasty 97.3,

indicating robust good health,
in case that's a factor.

He's cool with this, right?

I mean, it's not during
office hours or anything.

Bill, please.

One angry coworker at a time
is all I can handle.

Oh, come on, Dave.
I'm not angry.

Really?
Then what are you?

I'm...

Well, I'm hurt.

Deep down inside,
where I'm soft like a woman.

I understand and--
And I'm sorry that I hurt you...

...d-d-deep down inside.

Where?

Where you are soft
like a woman.

Don't mock me, Dave.

Don't be a hurter.

Okay, you know, uh,
how can you say

that you come off
like the biggest idiot?

What about me?

Look, all-- All I was trying
to say is--

Is that in embarrassing
all of you,

I embarrassed myself
most of all.

Oh, please. Come on.

You just come off
like a whiny crackpot.

Who took tap-dancing lessons
for five years.

You took
tap-dancing lessons?

You didn't read
the whole article.

Wh-why would you tell
the reporter

that you took
tap-dancing lessons?

I was on a roll.

Well, you know what?
So what? Big whoop.

A lot of people
take tap-dancing lessons

when they're a little kid.

I was in college at the time.

Okay. So you had a weird hobby.

I was considering it
as a career.

Yeah, it's all--
It's all explained in--

On the second page. The--
The paragraph that begins,

"I-I slept, ate
and breathed...tap."

But that's really
neither here nor there.

Okay, well,
did you have to do this

for college credit or something?

Sadly, no. No, in fact,
I had to drive 40 miles,

uh, three nights--

"Three days a week in order
to pursue my dream

of being a world-class hoofer."

You know, I wanna have a family
just as much as you, but...

Did you do it
to meet girls? What?

Right? A lot of cute girls
in dance class,

so you probably...

Most of the time, yes.

Mine was 100 percent male,
however.

Now, about--

So you did it
on a dare, right? No.

No.

No, now, about the baby thing.

Right, the baby thing.
You know what, Dave?

[SIGHS]

I think we should
put the baby thing

on the back burner for now.

I agree. I think it's something
we really need to take time--

And I think I could take
some time to figure in

this whole tap-dancing component
into the equation.

[♪]

Ah!

Ah, you--
You startled me.

I didn't hear you
come in.

It's an old Green Beret trick.

You were a Green Beret?

No, but I read a book called
Old Green Beret Tricks.

But that's not
why I'm here, dude.

I know, Joe, you have every
right to be angry--

Do you know
what this is?

Uh...some sort
of remote-control device?

Just say no.
No.

This is a fully
operational device.

Uh-huh.
Joe, I would like--

That's right, a fully
operational device.

Not exactly
what you might expect from

"a so-called electrician,
who knows more about

"imaginary
flying-saucer technology

than he does about
a simple light switch."

It's the imaginary part

that bugs you
most of all, right?

Yeah!
I-- Yeah, please...

read this note.

It's not gonna help, dude.

I know, Joe,
but I-I-I really am sorry,

and I-I thank you
for indulging me and...

Joe? Joe?

Hi, chief.

[♪]

Oh!

Okay, Joe, how the hell
do you do that?

I'll lend you the book.

Anyway, dude,
I read your note.

Uh-huh. Oh, well,
thank you. Thanks.

No, thank you, man.

Nobody ever wrote me a formal
letter of apology before.

It was on your own paper

with your own name on it
and everything.

Well, I meant every word of it.

All right. Well...

apology accepted, but...

Look, I don't care what
you say about me, but...

makin' fun of alien technology's
just stupid.

I know, and I-I'm sorry.

All right. I'm gonna leave
this for you, all right?

Oh, thanks, Joe, and--
See ya.

And I-I apologize for any--

Anything
I may have said to--

Hey, Dave.

All right,
h-how did you do that?

Joe lent me some book.
How ya holdin' up?

Fine...um, but, sir,

I would really, really love
to talk to you about

What I-- What I
said in the--

The article.
Dave, please.

You don't have a heart to heart

with a coronary patient,
all right?

It's in poor taste. Hey!

Hey, what's this?

Huh? That's some sort of
a remote-control thing that...

Oh, yeah?

...Joe rigged up--

Did I--?
Did I do that?

I think so, sir. Yeah.

Cool!
Wonder what this one does.

Hey, uh...

M-m-maybe you should
just put that down.

Yeah, okay.
Just got one more to go.

[BEEPS]

Hey!

Oh, I see, this one's a decoy.

Huh!

What happened?

I don't know, I just--
I picked up the phone,

and it was like,
tick, tick, tick, tick,

and I was like, "Huh?"

And it was like, "Boosh!"
And I was like, "Whoa!"

And my ears are like,
"Wah, wah, wah."

What happened?

Well, he was just sitting here
I-I-I--

and the phone was like
tick, tick, tick.

Then he was like, "Huh?"
and it was like "Boosh!"

And he was like, "Whoa!"
And I was all, "Huh?"

And then my heart
just started going,

"kaboop, kaboop,
kaboop, kaboop--"

Okay, you know what?
Enough is enough.

We gotta talk about this.
What?

Don't.
Don't, don't.

Don't.

This whole thing, to me--

This whole thing is just
gettin' a little too weird.

Well, tell me about it.

I was just thinkin'
the same thing.

Weird.

No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.

Weren't.
Were too.

Weren't not.
Were too not.

No, not "weren't too not."

You know what?
Okay, let's just leave it.

Okay. That's fine.

No, we need to talk
about this right now,

Mr. Buster.

You know what?

There's no easy way
to say this,

so I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.

You're weird!

Oh, I am?
Yeah.

You are and you know it.

You know it.

And quite frankly,
this office only has space

for one weird guy.

And that weird guy
is right here...

standing in front of you.
He is me. Hello.

Well, okay.

You know, I mean,
I didn't mean to step on...

Okay.
...anyone's toes here.

Yeah, so to speak.
Yeah.

It's just that, you know,
I mean, I guess I envy you.

Oh.

Really?

Well, yeah.
I mean, come on,

I'm just a temp
and for guys like you and me...

You mean weirdoes?
Yeah.

For guys like you and me,

these positions
are hard to--

Well, I know.

It's like every office I go to,
they already have

their resident
weird guy.

You know?
So where does that leave me?

I don't know, dude.

Maybe you just gotta
keep pluggin' away, you know?

That's what I did. I-I--
Maybe I make it look easy.

But I worked my ass off
to secure this position.

And-- And-- And you know,
you're weird, too.

You'll find a little place
for yourself.

Oh. Well, thanks.

No, I mean, that means a lot
comin' from a guy like you,

because you, my friend,

are, like, the weirdest
office weird guy

that I've ever seen.

[CHUCKLES]

Really?
Yeah.

Hands down.

Yeah, and-- And that's me
after they closed up my chest.

See, open...closed.

Open...closed.

That's very impressive, sir.

Thank you.

Oh, cheer up, will ya?

Well, sir, I-I would really
love to talk about what I--

What I said about you
in the article.

Oh, you mean the one
that said I was, uh...

Let's see,
"A logic-impaired hayseed

that uses his station as his
own private dating service"?

Oh, God,
you've read it already.

Yeah, about a week ago.
I got an advanced copy.

Uh...here.

Oh, please, not another one
of these things.

You-- You hand out more letters
of apology than Union Carbide.

Please, sir.
Just read it.

All right.

Dave, this is a letter
of resignation.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, you know, I've spent--
I've-- You know--

Three years trying
to win the--

The trust and respect and...

friendship of these people.

And for no good reason,
I've thrown it all away.

And I don't think--
Dave.

No, I don't deserve this job.
You can't resign.

Well, I-I'm going to,
and, you know,

I-I-I don't think
I'm cut out for this.

Maybe, maybe not,
but I'm tellin' you what,

you're not gonna resign,
I'll tell you that right now.

You are gonna
go back into that office

and you are gonna
face those people,

and you are gonna start
from square zero,

earning their trust and respect
and all that other crap.

Mm-hmm.
WAITER: Are we done here?

Yeah, you can
take all this stuff away.

Let me tell you something.
Now, just--

Thank you.
Let me tell you something.

You have to start
from the bottom

before you can
aim for the top.

Well, I think I have
definitely hit the bottom.

No, you haven't.

Pardon?

See, I read, uh,
somewhere

that, uh, you were
a tap-dancing enthusiast.

Oh, sir. No.

Waiter, could we take this
this tablecloth away too?

Because, you know,
what we're gonna need is a nice,

hard surface, aren't we?

Oh, please, Mr. James.
Enrico, if you'd be so kind.

[PIANO PLAYING FUN MELODY]
Sir, no, I-- You know, I--

Ah, thank you, Jeffrey.

I don't have the proper--
And the boater, if you would.

Thank you.

Come on, Dave.
Tap waits for no man.

Oh, Lord.

Hi. We're here
to see Jimmy James...

Oh.
My.

Good.
Lord.

That's the whitest thing
I've ever seen.

BILL:
I second that emotion.

MATTHEW:
Now, how can I possibly compete with that?

Does your offer still stand?

[♪]

You're weird too.

Oh, you don't
have to say that.

Well, no, the thing
with the boxes.

Well, I
mean, that's just--

That's just everyday life
for me.

Really?

I feel better.
This is, like,

in blue, out pink,
in blue...

Healing!

The healing has begun.

Goodbye.

Friend?

Friends.
Seriously?

Gimme a kiss.