03x24 - Space

[bunniefuu]

Yes, that looks perfect.

Good work, uh...guy.

Hello!

I'm Phil Hartman,
Bill McNeal of TV's NewsRadio.

If you're a frequent viewer
of our show,

or even if you, like myself,

only tune in from time to time
by accident...

I'm sure you've often wondered
the same thing I have:

What if NewsRadio took place
in outer space?

What if
instead of a radio station,

our characters
worked on a space station?

What if
instead of reporting the news,

we reported...
the space news?

Well, after tonight's
very special episode,

all of those questions
will be answered...

or at least raised
and dismissed.

Now, some people out there might
hear this idea and say,

"Outer space, why?"

I prefer to say...

"Outer space, why not?"

And so, without further ado,

we present to you...

NewsRadio...

in outer space.

[♪]

[♪]

Beth, can I get
a cup of coffee, please?

Thank you.

COMPUTER:
Good morning, Dave.

Acknowledged.

There's someone
at the door, Dave.

Acknowledged.
Come in.

Good morning.

COMPUTER:
Good morning, Lisa.

Acknowledged.
Can you shut that off?

Why would you want to--?

[COMPUTER SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

So, what was it you wanted
to speak to me about?

Well, Lisa, I've been doing
a lot of thinking

about you and me,
a-and, uh...

Just a second.

Door close.

Door close!

Door...

Well, anyway, you know,
we've been going out together

for quite a while now and--

BETH [OVER SPEAKER]:
Attention, Dave.

Attention, Dave.

Beth, can this wait?

We are in the middle
of something.

Oh! Hi, Lisa.

Dave, I want to let you know...

[STATIC CRACKLING]

DAVE:
Beth?

Beth, you're
breaking up, Beth.

I can't hear you.

I said,
this warning light came on,

and I don't know
what to do about it.

I'll come back later.
Make it so.

I never get tired
of that one.

So, what's the problem?

Apparently there's a malfunction
in the reactor core.

Well, have Joe
take a look at it.

Hi, Matthew.

No! Ugh!
Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

Have you seen
my Irene 4395 droid yet?

Oh, is she coming by again?
Yeah, why?

I just think you're spending
too much time with that robot.

Well, she's not just a robot,
she's my girlfriend.

Looks like...she's
on the fritz again.

Isn't that
just like a woman?

You know, she is
just like a woman.

Every time I wanna have

just a nice, little
afternoon together,

her CPU crashes,

and I gotta drag her
down to the shop

before she wigs out
and kills everything in sight.

She's usually
pretty nice, though.

[BEEPING]

Hey, Beth, what's up?

Hey, Joe.
Sorry to disturb you,

but we need you to fix
the atomic reactor core.

Cool.
How long have I been under?

Uh...

Eighty-three years.

Eighty-three years?

What are you still
doin' alive?

Oh, well,
about 50 years ago

they invented
an anti-aging drug, so...

Oh, yeah? Cool.
Any side effects?

Apparently when you turn 900,
your hair falls out.

No, thanks.
So, what else is new?

Alpha Centauri robot wars
still goin' on?

No, they're over,
and we lost.

Humankind is nearly extinct,
and those of us who remain,

are constantly running
from alien slavers--

Yeah, whatever.
Who won the World Series?

What?
Who won the World Series?

Which one?
All the years I was out.

[SIGHS]

In 2145,
it was the Dodgers.

Called it.
In '46 it was the Orioles.

Called it.

Then it was the Robots,

the Robots, the Robots,
the Robots...

Figures.
...the Robots.

Here you go.

Ooh, what's that?
Liquid vitamins?

No, mouthwash.

You have the worst morning
breath in recorded history.

What do you want?
I was out for 83 years.

♪ I'm awake
I'm awake ♪

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Ah, maybe the future
don't look so bad after all.

Hey, babe,
what's goin' on?

Irene,
you made it.

Hey, sweetie.

I hope I didn't keep you
waiting too long.

Well...

[COMPUTER SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Whoa!

Ease up on the command console
there, Dave.

These things don't
grow on trees, you know.

Pardon me?

They don't grow on trees.
You know, trees?

What are these things,
"trees" you speak of?

I'll draw you
a picture sometime.

Come on, come on.
Huh?

DAVE:
Door close.

Door close!

Lisa?

LISA:
Door close.

All right.
What's so damned amusing?

[CHUCKLES]

Nothing.

N-n-noth--
Nothing, but...

What the hell
are you wearing?

What is that?

I'll have you know
this was the height of fashion

in the late 20th century.

Yeah, maybe on Earth.

Oh, you're here to talk
about the budget, aren't you?

That's right.
That's damn right.

We-- We are
way, way over budget here.

We're virtually
hemorrhaging space dollars.

All right, well, why don't
we go over the figures together?

Good. Good.
You know what?

Why don't you, uh--?
Thanks.

Why don't you pull up
Database 5300 for me, will ya?

All right.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

[DRAWER RATTLES]

Ah.

[PAPER CRINKLING]

Oh, well, that is--
That is--

That is very
impressive work, son.

I thank you, sir.
That's really good.

Hey, what's that
over there?

Huh? Oh, that's the budget
for the company rollerball team,

which, come to think of it,
you know, we could cut that.

Yeah, well, that's all
well and good, Dave,

but what about
the bottom line?

Here.

If we cut here...
Uh-huh.

Oh, hell, we could save 20,000
space dollars per lunar cycle.

Sir, I'm not prepared
to cut the budget

for our oxygen supply.

Okay, okay, but we could
just reduce it, right?

No, I think that if we were
to reduce our oxygen supply...

it would k*ll us.

Old wives' tale.

Ah, I'd still
be more comfortable

cutting somewhere else.
I know, I got it. Here.

[ERASER BRUSHING]

[PEN CLICKS]

[PEN SCRATCHES]

There ya go.

Sir, y-you just
cut the budget in half

for Bill
and Katherine's salaries.

That's right.

And how do you propose
to do that?

Well, w-we don't
need both, uh...

Bill and Katherine reading
the space news, right?

So, what?

You're gonna fire
one of them?

No, no, no, no.
Just put one of them

in suspended animation
for 50, 60 years.

You know, till we work out
the budget thing.

Well, which one?

You just
leave that to me.

Uh, they're never
gonna go for it.

Yeah, well,
we'll see about that.

Now, let's...
Let's get serious here.

You got any new space p*rn?

[DRAWERS RATTLING]

Ah!

[PAPER CRINKLING]

Ah...

Miss September.

2034.

Hello.

WOMAN:
Hello.

[♪]

Kiziza, Katherine.

Oh, kiziza, Bill.

So is that new
lunch place any good?

Knock yourself out.

Not bad.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, I don't know how you guys
can eat that crap.

It only looks like crap.
It's actually quite flavorless.

Yeah, right, listen, I need
to talk to you two guys,

but I'm in kind of a rush,
so if you don't mind,

I'm just gonna let Holo Jimmy
explain it all, all right?

I'll see ya.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hi, guys.

Here's the deal:
Due to budgetary constrictions,

I'm gonna have to have
one of you

in suspended animation
for 50 or 60 years.

No way!
What?

Yeah, way!

I'm sorry,
it's the only solution.

Look. I-- I gotta go,

but the real Jimmy will
tell you all about it.

See ya.

[LAUGHING]

[SQUEALING]

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Oh, you can finish watching
your funny pig if you like.

No, thanks.
It's all right, I...

Pig's dead. People are dead.

They all d*ed centuries ago.
Couldn't care less.

Okay, then.
What was it you wanted

to talk to me about earlier?

Table.

Well...

Lisa, how long
have we been together now?

Um, 98 years in July.

Ninety-eight years.

Hm.

You know...

I know-- I know
that this is a big step,

but I'd really like us
to start, you know,

thinking about...
moving in together.

Great idea.
Let's do it.

Table.
Well, w-w-wait a second.

You know, I didn't want us
to rush into this.

I just wanted us,
you know,

to start talking--
Talking about...it.

Dave, we've been talking
about it for 30 years.

I'll just requisition
a relocation vessel

to transport your personal
effects to my space pod.

Your space pod?

Uh, I'm sorry,
but I-I just sort of--

I, you know--
I just sort of assumed

that we would, you know,
live in my space pod.

[LAUGHS]

In Sector 12?

Yes.

Why would I possibly
wanna live in Sector 12?

Uh-huh.
I mean, besides,

your space pod is so...big.

Yeah, well, at least
Sector 12 is a safe area.

Yeah, you know what,
and besides that,

your space pod
is so cold and drafty.

Fine. All right.
I'll get a space heater.

COMPUTER:
In or out, Lisa? In or out?

Shut up.

[REACTOR HUMMING]

[SIZZLES]
Ah!

You sure you
don't want me to call

the reactor-core
repair specialists?

Nah, I'm all right.

You've been asleep
for 83 years.

You know,
technology has advanced

in ways that even you
can't imagine.

Advanced. Right.

No matter how much
it changes,

technology is just
a bunch of wires

connected to a bunch
of other wires.

Oh, really?
So, what's wrong with it?

Can't seem to find
any wires.

COMPUTER:
This station will self-destruct

in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

This station--
Shut up.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[MATTHEW & IRENE SIGH]

Oh, those two
make me sick.

Ah, the freak's happy.
Leave him alone.

But does he have
to be so cutesy?

And who designed those?

Sounds like someone's
a little jealous.

Don't be ridiculous.

Can you hand me
the pliers, please? Yeah.

Not the space pliers,
the regular ones.

Now available
in vanilla-nut flavor.

So for a tasty treat
that's good to eat,

try Soylent Green.

Soylent Green is people.

Soylent Green,

made from the best stuff
on Earth,

people.

WNYX news time.

1245 mark 37.

We'll be back after this.

Oh, come on, Bill.

It's only 50 years
of suspended animation.

You could use the rest.

Sure. Then I wake up and find
out that innocent, little Kathy

is suddenly making
just as much as I am.

I don't think so.

Fine. Let's just flip for it.

This is going
to take forever.

I'm going
for a space walk.

WNYX news time, 1247

mark 59.

Tragedy struck today
in Sector 9 as rebel t*rrorists

blew up the Death Star,
k*lling thousands.

The rebel alliance, a fringe
group of anti-Empire fanatics

has claimed responsibility
for the t*rror1st act.

Fortunately, Lord Vader
escaped without harm.

Our hearts go out
to the families of the victims.

[♪]

[BREATHING SLOWLY]

JOE:
Hey, Bill.

BILL:
Yeah, Joe?

JOE:
If you go outside, be careful,

'cause the outside hatch
has been stickin' lately.

[BREATHING RAPIDLY]

BILL:
Uh-oh.

[HELMET SQUEAKS]

Besides, my space pod
is so much bigger.

Exactly. It's too big.

It's 12 paces
from end to end.

My head hardly
touches the ceiling.

I get creeped out
by all that space.

DAVE:
My point is, maybe we should try and--

[AIR ROARING]

[♪]

[♪]

Joe.

What?

Is that wise?

What?

Well, that is
the main reactor core

you're hitting with a hammer.

It's not gonna fix itself, Dave.
That's what I'm here for.

It's not gonna
blow up, is it?

No.

Joe, just call in
a specialist, okay?

Specialist, right.
A bunch of jackasses.

They're gonna charge you
50 space credits

for a roll of duct tape.

Come on, man,
just let me do my thing.

You're sure you know
what you're doing?

Yeah.
All right.

Hey, Joe, I'm going
to the newsstand.

Do you need anything?

Ah, I'll go with you.
I gotta clear my head.

Which one we goin' to?

Venus.
Cool.

[♪]

[WIND HOWLING]

BETH:
I started thinking about it, and I do get really jealous

when I see Matthew
and that droid together.

JOE:
Yeah, but that could be for lots of other reasons.

Yeah, like what?

Well, how long has it been
since you had sex?

With a human?
I'd say about 25 years.

What do you mean,
"with a human"?

Uh...nothing.

Never mind.
Forget it.

Here it is.

JOE:
Do you have any back issues of Popular Mechanics?

[SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT]

Do you have any...

[SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT]

[SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT]

Ask him
if he has any gum.

Do you have any...

[SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT]

Space gum.

[SPEAKING
ALIEN DIALECT]

Hey, what up, homeys?

What is this thing, "homeys,"
you speak of?

[STRANGE CHITTERING]

Aliens. Great.

Sir, did you
have your vessel checked

for alien infestation
before you docked?

Oh, come on, Dave.
It's just a little alien.

Oh, yeah, they're cute
till they decide

to nest
in your intestines.

Clear.

[BEEPING]

Sir, you might wanna
get to the air lock.

Oh, will you guys
relax a little bit?

Come on,
little buddy.

Here we go.

Come on...

[ALIEN SCREECHES]

[SIZZLING]

LISA:
Sir, that stuff will eat through your shoe.

Boom.
Game over, man.

[♪]

And, Lisa,
I'm still waiting

for that Governor Spacetaki
interview.

It'll be on your console
in the morning.

All right, now, uh,
anyone else have anything?

Yeah. I-I got some freebies
for everybody.

Oh.
Yeah.

I got us a new book
that, uh...

I got for everybody
from a publishing house

I bought last year.
Here you go.

Here you go, Dave.
Oh, that's very nice.

"To Serve Man."

Yeah, it's a cookbook.

ALL:
Oh! Thank you, Mr. James.

You're welcome,
you're welcome.

Well, uh...

anyone else
have anything?

Yeah, I got, uh...
I got one thing.

Mm-hmm?

Well, you know that reactor core
that I'm supposed to fix?

Well, I couldn't
quite fix it.

What do you mean, you
"couldn't quite fix it"?

Well, according
to my calculations,

if we, uh, shut down
the entire power supply,

send out
a distress signal,

and put ourselves into suspended
animation for about 50 years,

we should be fine.

And if we don't?

[MUMBLING]

Pardon?

The...reactor core
will go thermonuclear,

blowin' the stations to bits
and killin' everybody.

JIMMY:
Ah, Joe.

ALL:
Joe!

Well...

this is bad news.

All right.
How long do we have?

About five minutes.

COMPUTER:
Thermonuclear meltdown will commence

in T-minus three minutes
and counting.

Give or take two minutes.

Why didn't you just call in
the specialist like I asked?

Look, I feel bad enough
as it is.

You don't have to rub it in,
all right?

All right, all right.
Meeting's adjourned.

Let's all get in our
suspended-animation chambers.

COMPUTER:
...will commence in T-minus...

Lisa...um...

If we--
If we don't, you know,

survive this...um...

Yeah?
I just want you...

What?

I...um...
There's people listening.

What are you trying to say?

I love you.

[ALL WHOOPING]

Guys, come on!

The whole time I was asleep for,
like, 80 years,

all I did was
think about you.

Joe, I wish you'd
said something sooner.

I know.

Could you do me a favor?

What?

Before I go to sleep
for, like, 80 years,

perhaps never to awaken,

think I could see you naked?

Sure.

There you go.

Ah, thank you, Beth.

My pleasure.

[IRENE GIGGLING]

Coochie, coochie!

Matthew!

So how are we both
supposed to fit

in your suspension pod
together?

Oh, my God.

What? What is it?

There's only room
for one.

You take it.

I'll be fine.
I'll...

just take a little nap
on the couch or something.

But, sweetie,
I'm an android.

I don't need oxygen or nutrition
for, like, 300 years.

I think the logical
solution for--

Psst!

Silence, my sweet.

My love knows no logic.

But, sweetie--
Psst!

So anyway,

the whole time I was asleep,
for, like, 80 years,

all I could
think about was you.

So, what I'm trying
to say is...

can I just see you naked?

Not a chance
in space hell.

Hey, Beth,
can I look at you again?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

JIMMY:
Hey, Bill, come on, come on, come on.

Time's a-wastin', son.

Yeah, right.

This is just a trick
to get me into hyper-sleep,

so you can get rid of me
for 50 years.

I wasn't
born yesterday.

No, he's
serious, dude.

We gotta shut down
the power.

Oh, Bill, if you're
not gonna use it,

do you mind if I take
your hyper-sleep chamber?

Oh, I don't know.

I'd really rather
you didn't.

Oh, that's...cool.
I understand.

That's okay.
Even with the power off,

the station will still be able
to support two life forms.

JOE:
Come on, we got 30 seconds. Let's go.

Okay.

Look, don't worry about us,
but whatever you do,

don't unplug
the hyper-sleep nexus.

Don't unplug it.

Right.
Don't do it.

If you don't do it,
we'll be fine,

but we'll die instantly
if you do do it.

Do do it.

Don't do it.
No, don't do it.

Okay, yeah, I got it,
I got it.

Don't...do it.
Don't do it.

Gentlemen,
see ya in 50 years.

Farewell,
my sweet.

Farewell,
Matthew.

Well, I guess it's just
you and me, old chum.

Yeah. 50 years.
Me and you.

I'm looking forward to it.
I think we're gonna

have a lot of fun.
We sure are.

Say, why don't you get me a soda
before they all get warm.

Hey, you got it.

[ENGINE WHIRRING]

COMPUTER:
Fatal hyper-sleep nexus error.

Life form three expired.

Life form one expired.

Life form two expired.

Life form four expired.

Whoops.

They're-- They're not--
They're not really...

Dead?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Well, now what?

Well, I guess
it's up to us

to start
a new race of human beings.

Oh, right.

But no gay stuff, okay?

Of course not.

Now, we're gonna need
some petri dishes.

Do you have a book on DNA?

No.

[♪]

[CHUCKLING]

Shakespeare, you devil.

Oh, hello.

So...

NewsRadio in outer space.

A cautionary tale or a grim
portent of things to come?

You be the judge.

And by you, I mean the six
of you who are still watching.

Which raises another
interesting question:

What would NewsRadio be like
if all of us were naked?

If instead of repo--

What?

Oh.

Sorry.

I guess we're
running out of time.

Good night.