05x10 - Come Fly with Me

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh,
your attention please.

For those of you flying
Sandpiper Air today,

please remember that your
carryon luggage

must remain with you
at all times

and small children
must be stowed

under the seat
in front of you.

Oh, my. Um.

Um, o-obviously you'd want to
keep your children with you

and stow
your luggage.

Besides,
the average small child

wouldn't even fit
under our seats.

W-well,
not without a struggle.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( rock music playing on radio )

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Another big Saturday night

and we're looking for
caller number ten.

Get to your phones,
people.

We're talking about
big ones.

Those boards
are lighting up.

Eight, nine
and caller number ten.

Your name is...

Antonio Scarpacci.

Roy Biggins.

Fay Cochran.

Wanda Steven.

Damn!
Damn.

Damn.

Okay, Wanda,
here's your question:

What's the state bird
of Oklahoma?

( Antonio groans )

Why couldn't I get
that one?

Everybody knows it's
the rose-breasted grosbeak.

No, it isn't. It's
the scissor-tailed flycatcher.

Fay, trust me.

I know my state birds.

I-I learned them on
a place mat at Stuckey's.

( foghorn on radio )

Sorry, Wanda.

The correct answer is
the scissor-tailed flycatcher.

She's been right
on the last .

Fay, how do you know
all these things?

Well, uh, did you ever hear of
Funk & Wagnalls encyclopedia?

Yeah.
Yeah.

I dated a Funk.

I can't believe this.

What is a hot,
young stud like me doing

wasting a Saturday night
with you two,

when I could be out with
any number of beautiful women?

Let's just count how many things
are wrong with that statement.

Well, n-n-now, wait.
I have an idea.

We could all
go in this together,

and that way we'd have
a better chance of winning.

You know, Fay,
you might have a point.

With the ton of
useless crap between your ears

and my speed dialers,

we just might have
a sh*t at this.

Yeah, well,
why not?

Besides what else is there to do
on a Saturday night

in this frozen winter wasteland
we call Nantucket?

Hey, is anybody interested in
going down to the junior high

and seeing this production of
Jesus Christ Superstar?

Oh, no, they cancelled it.
Jesus couldn't make it.

He got grounded.

Perfect.
I hate Saturday nights.

Oh, Joe.
My nails are wet.

Quick. Get this hair
outta my face.

Wow. What are you
doing tonight?

Thanks.
Uh, Davis is coming in

on Roy's next flight.

So you're not
doing anything either.

Maybe we can go grab
a pizza.

Don't worry.
He's coming.

Pepperoni okay?

Joe, stop it.

You just
don't like Davis

because he wouldn't
lend you the money

and it crushed your dreams
and ruined your life

and yadda yadda yadda--

Do you think this dress
needs a necklace? Yeah.

Hey, Joe.

Ah, it's another
big Saturday, huh?

You know, the night belongs to
macho, lusty hombres

like you and me.

Lowell, why are you talking like
a beer commercial?

Hey, it's a
beer-commercial life.

You know, fast women, hot cars,
and guys who laugh like this:

Look, tell you what.

If you promise never
to do that again,

maybe you and me could sort of
hang out, do something.

Ah, sorry, Joe.

Yeah, Tucker and I are gonna
go on a rat-sh**t tonight.

Now, you know
I'd invite you along,

but you know what they say
about rat-sh**t.

Two's company.
Three's crossfire.

Hey, did you guys figure out
anything to do tonight?

I am desperate.

Yeah, we're going to the movies.
Want to come?

Oh, yes. Great.
What are we seeing?

It's a Rainer Werner Fassbinder
festival.

What?

Please don't make me
say it again.

They're showing
Fear Eats the Soul

and
Berlin Alexanderplatz.

Uh,
not that desperate.

Listen, why don't you just
go out with Helen?

Oh, she's waiting
for Lynch to show up.

I'll never understand
that relationship.

Ha, ha.
What don't you understand?

He's charming, romantic, funny
and incredibly successful.

I used to go out with
a guy just like him.

Clearly you've
gotten over that.

We better get going.
The movie starts in minutes.

Wait one second.

This-- This incredibly
successful guy.

Who was he?

What?

If I tell you his name it--
It'll just drive you crazy.

Oh, he's a name?

W-would I know
who he is?

Can we drop it?

Well, drop who?
Who are we dropping, exactly?

Come on, Brian.

I don't ask you about
all the women you've dated.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Okay, I've dated lots and lots
of women, but, uh...

I mean,
nobody famous.

Lots?
Exactly how many?

Exactly how famous?

Very famous.
Very many.

Brian, please.
Let's just stop this.

It'll ruin our entire night.
All right.

You're absolutely right.
It's stupid. It's stupid.

Is he a politician,
actor, rock star?

Rock star?

Oh, I knew it!

It's that weasel Sting,
isn't it?

To hell with this.
I'm going home.

Call me when you
grow up.

What happened?
I thought you were gonna

go to the movies
with Alex.

Yeah, so did I.

Ask her
one little question

and she went
Alexanderplatz on me.

Okay, Joe. You win.

How about half pepperoni
and half mushroom?

He cancelled again?

No, his secretary called.

She said that his meeting with
the Hong Kong consortium

ran late.

What the hell's
a consortium, anyway?

Uh, I think it comes from
the Latin "consort,"

meaning one who dumps his date
for business.

This sucks.

Tell me about it.

Well, why don't
the three of us do something?

I think I'll pass.
Yeah, me too.

Oh, man, you know,
I remember a time

when the three of us knew how
to have fun together.

Remember when we went to
that political rally

and we just signed that petition
without even reading it?

( sarcastically ):
Yeah, I'm still tingling.

Oh, come on.

Let's get off this rut.
Let's go to Boston.

A city where people
do something.

A city where people drink
for social reasons.

What the hell? Let's go.
Let's do it.

All right. Come on.
Let's go.

All right.
Aw, man.

Hey, Joe.

You know, you looked
a little down before.

So I called up Tucker.

Told him that we had to
put the rat-sh**t off

till another night.

So I'm all yours.

Uh, Lowell, I already kinda
made plans with Brian and Helen.

I see.

So I guess I made Tucker cry
for nothing.

Well, that's okay, Joe.

You just go off with your
cool friends.

It'll just be me,
some sad music

and a loaded shotgun.

Okay. What do you say?
What do you say?

Yeah.
Okay, yeah.

All right!
Oh, I finally made it.

You know, you go your whole life
being the odd man out

and then one day

a kind, gracious hand
reaches out to you.

Hey,
where you guys off to?

Oh, for God's sake,
I hope we're not letting him in.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Now, don't go away 'cause we're
gonna have an $ question.

Right after this.

All right,
d-don't worry.

We'll get through.

You know what they say.

The rd time
is the charm.

Is Brian here?

Uh, no.
He went to Boston.

Damn. Well, when is he
gonna be back?

I don't know, dear.
What's wrong?

Oh, well.
We had kind of a fight.

I was hoping to
patch things up with him.

Well, since you're free,
and, uh...

all leathered up.

( chuckles )

Why don't you come over
to my place

and I'll fire up
the old hot tub?

Sounds good.

You bring the towels,

I'll bring
the electric toaster.

I don't ask twice.

I'll be right back.

You know, Cochran,
it occurs to me.

With your brains
and my speed dialers,

and bucks
on the line,

what do we need
Mr. Green Card for?

ANTONIO:
I heard that!
I heard that.

Hey, listen, listen,
if you think for one minute

my friend Fay would
squeeze me out of this deal,

you got another thing
coming.

She would never, ever,
ever leave me out--

F-- Jump in
any time here, Fay.

Oh, right.

No, I'm not in
without Antonio.

Oh, all right,
all right.

Can't blame me
for trying. Gee.

What do we
need him for?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Come on, Joe.
We've been to two boring bars.

We got kicked out of
a night club.

Enough is enough.
Let's go.

Look, Helen, we could've stayed
at that last place

if Lowell hadn't tried to
pass himself off as a Kennedy.

Ask not
what your country--

BRIAN, HELEN & JOE:
Shut up!

Now, look, that bartender said
there's a great party in D.

This is D. Let's go.
BRIAN: You know what?

Maybe I should just
call Alex.

I can't get into this.
Look. Come on, Brian.

I can't--
Look, look, there might be

a woman behind that door who
doesn't bust your chops

every time you make
an innocent remark.

There might be
a guy in there

who will actually
show up for a date.

Thanks.

What's behind that door
for me, Joe?

I don't know, Lowell.

Maybe there's a big fat rat
and you can k*ll it.

Cool.

All right, look.
You guys do whatever you want.

I am going in.

Excuse me.

( music and chatter )

Well, okay.
For Joe's sake.

Yeah,
just for Joe.

JOE:
Oh, wow. Hey, didn't I tell you
I'd find you a good time?

Okay, huddle up.

There's attractive women
all over the field, okay?

Joe, you go long.
I'll go short.

Helen, you got available guys
here and here.

Lowell, um--

You're on your own.

Okay, break.

Well,
that was productive.

Oh, you're telling me.

I got
three business cards

and an appointment
with a podiatrist.

Come on, come on.
We're here to have a good time.

Who's thirsty?

( sighs ):
Beer me.

Wouldn't mind
a beer too, Joe.

Here's to good friends.

It just doesn't get
any better than this.

Hey, do you want to
meet him? You do? No, no. Shh.

Hi. You alone?

JOE:
It, uh, doesn't have to be
that way, you know.

The person
you're looking for

could be standing
right in front of you.

Uh, look, I should tell you
that I'm not...gay.

( chuckling ):
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm talking about her.

I'm not gay.

Ah.

( chuckling ):
Well, as long as
that's all settled.

I'm Ted.

Hi, I'm Helen.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.

You can thank me
later.

Well, I finally found out
what you do well:

pick up guys.

That's funny.

You better hope I leave some
of these women for you.

No way, man. Count me out.
I'm-- I'm not doing this.

I'm not gonna cheat
on Alex.

I'm just not gonna--
Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

Well, hello.

( chuckles )

Look, uh, I don't want to
sound full of myself,

but I know what
"well, hello" means and, uh--

Before this gets
any further

I think you should know
that I'm involved in, uh...

the casting of
a major motion picture...

I think you'd actually
be perfect for.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

I couldn't help noticing you
sitting over her.

I just love
piano music.

Hey, who doesn't?

So, uh, can you play something
just for me?

Me?
Mm-hm.

Uh, I think I can.

( playing theme from
Entertainment Tonight )

That's the theme from
Entertainment Tonight.

Do you know anything
classical?

Classical. Hmm.

I think I do.

( playing theme from
Entertainment Tonight
with flourishes )

How you doing?

Thought you might like
another drink.

Thank you.
That's very nice.

What's your name?

Joe.
Joe Hackett.

I'm Deidre.
It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Look, uh--

Hope this doesn't sound like
a really bad line,

but you are gorgeous.

How bad can it be?
It's working.

So you're a pilot,
huh?

Yeah,
at your service.

Fly you anywhere
you want to go. Heh.

How about my place?
It's right upstairs.

Would you excuse me
for a minute?

Mm-hm.

Joe. Joe, c-could I talk to you
for a second.

Just excuse me
one second.

I'll be right back.
Don't go.

What, what?

( sighs )

I got
a real problem here, man.

This woman
is all over me.

Oh, man. I got
the same problem over here.

What will we do?

No, come on. Stop it.
I'm being serious.

I don't want to cheat
on Alex.

Then you're right.
You do have a problem.

( jazzy version of theme from
Entertainment Tonight
playing on piano )

Hey, Jane Fonda.
Fifty-five years young today.

Hold on a second.

Don't you know
any other songs?

Well,
to be honest with you,

I didn't even know
I knew this one.

( playing theme from
Entertainment Tonight )

All right,
look, Sheila.

If we go back to your place,
you know what's gonna happen.

I have
a pretty good idea.

Well, um, I'm gonna end up
telling you about my girlfriend.

Boy,
was I wrong.

No, no, no, l--
Sheila.

Don't get me wrong.

It's not that I don't find you
attractive. I--

I do.

It's just that if I go back
to your apartment,

in a weird way

it would be impossible

to not have my girlfriend
right there with me.

That's not so weird.
Bring her along.

Is there anything I could
say to you to turn you off?

Yeah,
that you don't have $.

Yeah, but I mean,
why would I need--?

Unless you're a...

Well, I am.

You're a...

hooker.

( chuckles )

Uh, I prefer call girl,
but yeah.

All the girls here are.

Look, I don't mean
to get personal,

but do your parents know
what you do for a living?

Um, well,
of course they do.

Actually, I took the business
over from my mother.

Your mother?

Uh, yeah.

She actually taught me
everything I know.

( both chuckle )

So, um, Deidre,
what do you do?

( chuckles )

What do you think I do?

I'm a party girl.

Well, hey,
I'm a party guy.

( both laugh )

You know, Joe,
I'm wildly attracted to you.

What do you say we get
out of here and go to my place?

Really?
Mm. Really.

Joe, could I talk to you
for a sec?

No, not right now.

She wants me.

Yeah, I know.
No, you don't.

I mean,
she really wants me.

Come on.
No, hey. Come on.

Would you
leave me alone?

I found this great girl.

She's smart
and she's funny.

She's--
She's a hooker.

Not my Deidre.

Joey, for $
she's anybody's Deidre.

These girls:
they're all professionals.

Are you sure?

Have you ever done this well
in your life?

Oh, damn!

JOE:
Oh, my God.

That must mean
that Helen's guy

thinks that she's a...

Do you know what
I'd really like to do?

What?

No, I don't think
I can say it.

Oh, sure you can.

Well, all right.

I'd like you to dress up
like Little Bo-peep...

hog-tie me
to the bedpost,

and spank me for being the bad,
bad boy that I am.

Excuse me?

Well, I know the going rate
for you girls is $,

but for this I'm willing to
up it to five.

Oh, my God.
That is the most disgu--

Five-hundred dollars?

What do you
take me for?

Joe, you know what this guy
just said to me?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
I have a pretty good idea.

What's
going on here?

Uh, listen,
why don't you try Deidre?

I think she's just your type.
Come on. Let's go.

Gosh, I can't believe--
Five-hundred dollars?

Lowell, Lowell.
Come on. Come on

We got to get outta here.
Come on.

Hey, Brian, do you know
what kind of party this is?

Yeah, I do.
Let's go.

And you know
what all these girls are?

Yeah, I do.
Let's go.

All right, well,
I just have one question:

how long has Helen been
a hooker?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( easy listening music playing
on radio )

Okay, we're looking for
caller number nine.

Those boards are lighting up.
It's ringing.

Eight, nine.
It's ringing.

And your name is?

It's me. It's me.
Antonio Scarpacci

Caller number nine is
Antonio Scarpacci.

Okay, Antonio.

For $, cash,

are you ready for
your question?

No, no, no, not yet.
Fay's not here.

Roy, get Fay.

She-- She went out to the car
to get her knitting.

Sorry,
no time to wait.

Your question is:

Who is known as the father
of Impressionism?

Oh, no.

It's okay.
I know this one.

The father
of Impressionism is...

Rich Little.

Rich Little?
What an idiot.

( foghorn on radio )

I'm sorry.

The correct answer
is Claude Monet.

Way to go,
Answer Man.

Rich Little?!
Are you out of your mind?

We spent the whole night
trying to get through!

I have had it
with this stupid contest.

I'm going home.

Oh.
Huh.

Well, there's six hours
of my life

I'll never get back.

I can't believe
you said

the father of Impressionism
was Rich Little!

Hey, I have been to Vegas
dozens of times.

I never heard of
this Monet guy.

Oh!

( sighs )

I can't believe
he thought I was a hooker.

Huh, me neither.
And of all the insulting--

Uh, excuse me
just a second.

If I wanted to make
a living as a hooker,

I could make
a very good one.

If I wanted to.

ALEX:
Oh, you're back.

Um, Helen,
did you see Davis out there?

What?

Yeah, he felt bad so he
cancelled his business

and he hired a jet
and flew here to be with you.

I guess you must have
missed him.

Did you hear that,
Joe?

I could have been here
having dinner with him,

but no, you had to
drag me off to...

the best little whorehouse
in Boston.

Thanks a lot, Joe.

Where's Brian?
Oh, he's out

putting the plane away
with Lowell.

He'll be here
any minute.

So, Joe,
I-I talked to Tucker,

and you know what?

He went out on the rat-sh**t
without me,

and he bagged
a pounder.

And where was I?

Ooh, I was off at a party
with you

and beautiful,
easy women.

( angrily ):
Thanks a lot, Joe.

Do you believe all this?

I try to show these people
a good time

and this is
the thanks I get.

Oh, Alex, Alex.
There you are.

Oh, man.
I'm so glad you're back.

Listen,

that fight
we had before--

It was stupid.
It was all my fault.

Trust me.

I mean,

all night long
everything I did,

everywhere I went,

every girl I met
reminded me of you.

Aw.
Even the hookers?

Even--

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )