05x11 - Happy Holidays

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uhh, Helen...

I was wondering...

Do you have any plans
for Christmas?

Oh, yes.

Right after the children's
Christmas party tomorrow night,

I'm going to New York
to see Davis.

We're gonna go ice skating
in Central Park,

a horse-drawn carriage
down th Avenue,

dinner at Tavern on the Green,

and then we're going to
the Lincoln Center

to see The Nutcracker.

So, what about you?

Oh, uhh, I have plans.
Uhh..

I'm going to watch

Charlie Brown's
A Very Snoopy Christmas.

Oh, well that sounds
nice too.

And then, I think
I'll k*ll myself.

Hey, what are you doing?
Oh, there you are.

Look, uhh...

I-I don't have any plans
for Christmas,

and I was wondering
what you're doing.

In exactly...
hours and minutes,

Alex and I are going to be
making our way

to a romantic little cottage
in Vermont,

where we will drink champagne,
exchange gifts,

and then proceed to unwrap...
each other.

I think I would feel
out of place.

Just got off the phone
with my mom.

Yeah.

Turns out all four
of my brothers

were able to get holiday leave
from Fort Benning.

Means I'll be the only one who
won't be there for Christmas.

Oh, baby, baby, baby.

I know exactly what
you're thinking,

and I'll tell ya
what we'll do.

When we get to Vermont,

we'll just send them
a nice can of syrup.

Or, the two of us
could go to Florida.

Give you a chance to meet
my whole family.

( laughs )

She's funny, she's funny.

You already told them
we were coming, didn't you?

They're meeting us
at the airport.

You're the best.

Okay, so... no, no,
it's fine, it's fine.

Instead of cavorting on
a satin-covered bed with Alex,

I'll be, uhh...

in a Tallahassee
retirement village,

sleeping on an Army cot
next to her brother Duane

and his collection
of enemy teeth.

All right, Helen,
time for a status report.

Did you bake the cookies?

Yes, I did.

Uhh, did you get the egg nog?

Yes, I did.

Did you take the strawberries
out to thaw?

Yes, I did.

Am I sensing an attitude here?

Yes, you are.

Helen, Helen, Helen,
you don't seem to understand

the importance of
this Christmas party.

Fay, just relax,
it's gonna be fine.

Fine isn't good enough.

It has to be better than

the party Edna Pillit
threw last year.

Now, I thought we were
throwing this

to see smiles on
the little children's faces.

Who?

Fay, the children,

the people we're having
the party for.

Oh yeah, them.

Hey, Roy, look at this.

Is that not a great tree?

I-I don't know what it is,
the shape, the size.

There's just something about it,
I love this tree.

You two wanna be alone?

Hey, look, I just happen
to think that

the tree is the most
important part of Christmas.

I couldn't agree more, Hackett,
that is why I got this baby.

( "Deck the Halls" playing )

I can't wait to see
the look on Mom's face

when I bring her this
at the home.

You're giving that cheesy thing
to your mother?

Don't worry,
with Mom's eyesight,

she'll think it's the tree
at Rockefeller Center.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho-ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho-ho-ho.

Lowell?

What-what are you doing?

Well, I agreed to play
Santa Claus

for the big
Christmas party, so,

I'm trying to get under the skin
of this Claus guy,

see what makes him tick.

Hey, do you have any plans
for Christmas Eve?

No. I have no plans.
I'm totally available.

Great. 'Cause I need someone
to play the dumb elf.

At least it's something to do.

Okay.

Hi, Lowell.

Hi, Antonio.
Hi, Bunny.

Bunny.

I didn't know you were
coming over here for Christmas.

Well, my friend Susie's
getting married tonight,

and I'm a bridesmaid.

Fine. Isn't that something?

Ol' Susie actually managed
to land somebody.

You'd never expect it, what with
the spindly little legs

and that big banana head
of hers.

Yeah, she's not exactly
the pick of the litter.

I wonder why I'm not invited
to the wedding.

Susie and her fiancé figured
since we're divorced

it wouldn't be appropriate
for you to be there.

Right, right.
Who's she marrying?

You cousin Larry.

Well, I gotta go.

Merry Christmas.

( over radio ):
God rest ye merry, Gentleman,
Let nothing you dismay

WOMAN:
Taxi!

--Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas day

Hi, Bunny.

Antonio.

Boy, what are the chances of
hailing a cab and getting you?

On this island,
about one in four.

So, where can I take you, Bunny?

To the Harbor House.

So, how was
your friend's wedding?

Oh, it was beautiful.

And I was the most popular girl
in the reception line.

One of her uncles came back
three times.

I guess he was overcome
by emotion.

Nah, he was blitzed.

You know, it feels really weird,
me sitting way back here,

and you up there.

Well, now that you mention it,
it does kind of feel like

I'm "driving Miss Bunny."

Why don't I just pull over,
and then you could come...

Or you could just
hurdle the front seat.

Oh, Christmas.

It's such a wonderful
time of year, isn't it?

Oh, it's magical.

Making angels in the snow.

Listening to carolers.

Decorating the tree.

Watching It's a Wonderful Life.

Being downtown with all
the lights and the decorations

and seeing all the...

happy couples walking
hand in hand.

Sitting alone at Midnight Mass.

Opening the Christmas present
you bought for yourself,

and trying to look surprised.

Watching It's a Wonderful Life,
again.

Wondering why Jimmy Stewart
didn't jump off that bridge.

I hate Christmas.

It sucks.

( crying )

Don't cry, Bunny.

Don't cry.
I'm sorry.

I probably...

I probably just had
too much champagne.

No, it's not the champagne.

It's the holidays.

Sometimes they're just
so depressing.

Yeah, I know.

They are supposed to
make us feel so joyful,

but if we don't have loved ones
to share them with,

then all of the joy
turns into a sadness.

That is so deep.

A man in a cab has
a lot of time to think.

Thanks for listening to me.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

And look at that,
mistletoe.

( both chuckle )

And it's also
an air freshener.

( both sniff )

Merry Christmas, Antonio.

Merry Christmas, Bunny.

( both laugh )

Joy to the world
The Lord has come

Let Earth receive her King

Aside from the fact that
that Christmas tree

looks like a tumbleweed,
I thought I gave you

specific instructions
to have it placed downstairs.

Fay, I thought that
it was tradition

that we placed it upstairs.

You thought.

Well, let me explain something.

A party is like
Santa's sleigh;

only one reindeer can be
in the front,

or the sleigh will
veer off course.

That's why I'm in charge.

You and Joe
are Donner and Blitzen.

I'm Rudolf.

I'm the one
with the big red nose.

I'd like to give you
a big red nose.

Suckin' all the joy
out of Christmas.

Wish Santa's sleigh
would run over you.

I can't take this anymore,
can't wait til this stupid--

Change of plans, Joe.

Rudolf the red-nosed nutcase
wants the tree downstairs.

I don't think it's well enough
to make the trip.

Wow, what happened to it?
It looked so good yesterday.

I don't know.

It took a turn for the worse
during the night.

Guess we should get a new tree.

No, no, it'll be fine.

Joe, I think it's time.

Time for what?

To pull the plug.

You're right, it's probably
for the best.

( sighs )

You did the right thing,
Hackett.

If it had lived, it would've
been a total vegetable.

I'll go notify
it's next of kindling.

What are you doing up
at this time of night?

Did you have another accident?

I needed pajamas, I wanted
to see if they would fit.

I can't very well walk around

Alex's parent's house
in my underwear, can I?

No, that would look silly.

Unlike a grown man with
little kitties on his jammies.

It's Christmas,
the pickins were really slim.

It was either these,
or these with feet.

Well, those are definitely you.

( sighs ):
I have to find
a new Christmas tree.

Why? What happened to the one
you bought yesterday?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Just so you know,
if my brothers see you in those,

they'll shave your head.

Look, Alex, I-I--

I'm kidding, they're cute.

Umm, listen,
I just came by to tell you

that Mom wants you
to play Tiny Tim

in the Christmas pageant.

The Christmas pageant?

Yeah, well after we
open up presents,

we act out A Christmas Carol
in the living room.

Oh.
We do it for my Dad.

( mumbling )
He loves it.

Listen, Alex, Alex.

Alex...

I've got a, umm, flight,

so I'll talk to you
in about an hour, okay?

( whines ):
I don't wanna play Tiny Tim.

Well, what's the big deal?

So you limp around
the living room a little.

No, man, it's not,
it's not just Tiny Tim.

I mean, it's-it's everything.

It's the look.

What look?

The look that's gonna be
in her father's eye

while he's shaking my hand
that says,

"I know you've been doing it
with my little girl."

Oh, good, you're both here.

I-I need to talk to you.
I've got a big problem.

Oh, really? Wait in line, 'cause
I got a problem of my own.

I'm still stuck going to Alex's
parent's house for the holidays.

I've got two hours
to find a Christmas tree.

I slept with Bunny
in the back seat of my cab.

BOTH:
You win.

Wow, wow, wow, man.
You and Bunny, huh?

I know, I-I am scum,
I-I--

I am dirt,
I am lower then dirt.

I-I'm the dirt beneath dirt.

Antonio, these things happen.

I mean, you're only human,
and we are talking about Bunny.

I know, but--

I should've been stronger.

I should not have let her
sit so close.

I should not
have let her kiss me.

I-I should not have let her do
so many of the things she did...

so well...

But I-I mean,
how serious is this?

You're not thinking of seeing
any more of Bunny, are you?

Oh, no, no. We both agreed it
was just a one-time thing, but.

The guilt is eating me alive.

Hey, why don't you go
to confession,

that might make you
feel better.

I already did.

You know, I don't think
I'm the first person

to confess about Bunny.

When I mentioned her name,
the priest lowered my penance

from Hail Marys,
to four.

There's only one thing to do.

I-I must find Lowell, and admit
this terrible thing I've done.

Bad idea.

Antonio, Antonio, hold up,
man, hold up, hold up.

Listen, if you're not
gonna see Bunny anymore,

then what's the point
of telling Lowell?

Yeah, you know how crazy
Lowell gets about Bunny.

If you really wanna be a friend,
don't tell him.

You don't understand.

When Antonio Scarpacci
sleeps with another man's wife,

he tells him.
That is a friend.

I'm still wearing my pajamas,
aren't I?

Ah, ho, ho, ho.
There's my little elf.

Yeah, look,
Lowell...

I-I am feeling so upset
right now--

I-I really need to talk to you.

Antonio, it's almost time
for the party.

Go put on your elf suit.

And do you know where Joe is
with the tree?

Ho, ho, ho. No I don't, Fay.

Can it, Lowell, I'm in no mood.

And where is everyone?
Where are the carolers?

Where are all the little kids?

Helen, are you sure
you told them

the Christmas party
was tonight?

No, Fay, I told them
the Christmas party

was the Fourth of July.

Oh, aren't we droll?

And I think you'd better
take out

the other container
of strawberries.

There is no other container
of strawberries

What do you mean?
I bought it myself.

No, Fay,
you only bought one.

I don't recall that.

Oh, Joe.

W-where's my Christmas tree?

Oh, Fay, I am so sorry.

I looked everywhere,
and I promise you,

there is not a Christmas tree
left on this island.

Oh, won't Edna Pillit
have a field day with this.

I am so sick of hearing
that woman's name.

You want a tree?
I'll get you a damn tree.

Roy?

I need to borrow
your tree in a briefcase.

Oh, Hackett,
that's for my mom.

It's gonna make
her whole Christmas.

I'll give you bucks.

Deal.

I'll tell her
she slept through Christmas.

All right, Fay...
here it is.

( "Deck the Halls" playing )

Have a merry...

portable, prefab,
plastic little Christmas.

Is it any wonder they call it

the most magical time
of the year.

Oh...

Oh, Brian.
I'm all ready to go.

I can't wait to see the look
in Dad's eye when he meets you.

Listen, Alex, there's something
I gotta say to you.

I can't go with you
to your parents.

Wh-why not?

The truth is...

my Aunt Martha broke her hip.

She was setting up
a Nativity scene,

and she tripped
and fell over a wise man.

How many more of these senseless
Nativity accidents

must we endure until they make
those things safe?

Why don't you just say it?

You don't want to go
to my parents'.

( muffled ):
I don't wanna go
to you parents'.

I can't believe
you just said that.

Alex...

Announcing the departure of
Aeromass flight to Boston.

And the arrival of a man

with absolutely
no self-respect whatsoever.

Oh, it's about time, Antonio.

Now come over here.
Stand right here.

And you can help the little
children climb onto Santa's lap.

What little children?

Don't start with me.

Nobody likes a smart-elf.

Okay, Lowell, Lowell.

Listen, I-I--
We have to talk.

I've been kicking myself
all day.

That would explain why
your shoes are curled up.

( laughs )

Ho, ho, ho, there, Bunny.
Guess who?

Hi, Lowell.

Damn, she guessed it.

Hi, Antonio.

( mumbles ):
Yeah, hi, how are you?

So, Bunny, did you have
a good time last night?

Oh, yeah. I had
a wonderful time last night.

( whimpering )

It was the best wedding
I've ever been to.

Well, Merry Christmas, Lowell.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Antonio.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Bye.

Bye, Bunny.

Lowell, listen. I have got to
get this off my chest.

Ho, ho, ho, welcome, children.

Now, come over here
and see Santa Claus.

This is the big party?

It sucks.

Why are you children so big?

You're supposed to be
much smaller.

What are you doing here?

Relax, granny.

There was an invitation
up in the teen center.

The teen center?

Helen, you were supposed to call
the children's center,

not the teen center.

You've ruined my party!

Fay, I just called the number
that you gave me.

I should've seen this coming.

You've all been disloyal to me
from the start.

Fay, give it a rest.

Oh, I've tried to run
this party properly,

but you fought me
at every turn.

All of you, it was sabotage.

First Joe tried to make me look
foolish with the Christmas tree,

and then there were
the strawberries.

Ah, the strawberries.

I-I know there were
two containers, not one.

And I'd have proved it,
if I had the time.

I could have...

I really could have.

Fay...

It's me, Helen.

It's time for me to
take over now.

I'm just gonna take
the clipboard...

No...

and let's end this.

No, no, you can't have it,

I'm still in charge!

My clipboard!

Whoa...
Grandma's strokin' out.

So, uh, which one
of you boys

is gonna be the first
to hop up in ol' Santa's lap?

Get real, perv.

Oh, oh.

You think you're too old
for Santa Claus, is that it?

Well, you're never
too old for Santa.

Uhh, come here,
little dumb elf.

Uhh, hop up on Santa's lap.

Come on, Antonio,
get the ball rolling.

Now then, just tell
old Santa Claus

what you want for Christmas.

Forgiveness from God.

How about a train set?

But, but first,
you gotta tell Santa,

have you been naughty or nice?

Oh, no, Santa.

I-I've not been nice.

I've been very naughty.

Uh, ho, ho, ho.

Uhh, it couldn't have been
that bad,

what'd you do?

I slept with the ex-Mrs. Claus.

Uhh, ho, ho--
Huh?

Last night, Bunny and I...

You and Bunny?

Lowell, let me explain.

Alex, Alex, Alex,
I wanna go to your parents'.

It's too late,
I don't want you to go.

Good, 'cause I was lying,

I don't wanna go.
Oh, another lie.

No, it's my party,

and it's not over
til I say it's over.

Hey, hey, hey...

Where you going with that?

Look, you're not gonna need it.

( indistinct arguing )

( singing in distance )

Round yon Virgin Mother
And Child

( arguing gets quiet )

Holy Infant so tender
And mild

Sleep in Heavenly peace

Sleep in Heavenly peace

( indistinct yelling )

We wish you
A Merry Christmas

We wish you
A Merry Christmas

We wish you
A Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

( piano theme playing )