07x02 - A Hoot and a Scream

[bunniefuu]

♪

[LOUD WHISKING]

What's wrong with him?

He decided to go celibate.

I dunno, something happened with Julian.

Oh, no. Wait, celibate?

Oh, no. For how long?

A year.

A yea...?

Can he still jerk it?

I dunno, why?

He is at a notoriously horny age,

arguably the horniest
he'll be in his whole life.

I remember being that age.
Everything turned me on.

I couldn't walk down the
produce aisle for two years.

NATHAN JR: I can hear you, you know.

KATE: Can you? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Sorry.

Uh, we just couldn't help
but notice you,

uh, literally b*ating those eggs.

Nathan mentioned something
happened with Julian?

That you've sworn off...

I've sworn off lying, cheating men.

Easier said than done, my man.

Julian wants to be in an
"open relationship,"

which I guess means that
I'm not enough for him,

which I guess means that
I'm not enough for anybody,

which basically means
that my only option now

is to take myself off the market
entirely and become a monk,

which starts with...

NATHAN: Celibacy.

Well, that's some airtight logic.

Look, I'm sorry about what
happened with Julian, really.

Alright, but I'm worried that if,
you know,

you bottle up all your... energy...

you're just gonna end
up hurting yourself

more than someone else.

Basically what I'm saying is...

jerk off.

NATHAN: [CHOKES ON COFFEE]

No, what...
what we're saying is, is that...

maybe this is a little extreme?

That you should try channelling
some of your pain into your art?

Your sax!

Your sax, not your sex.

[LOUD WHISKING CONTINUES]

You tell that boy to jerk it.

♪

LIONEL: Hey! Big day today.

Feeling good?

Okay, forget feeling good.
Are you feeling...

stable?

[TENSE, SURREAL MUSIC]

LIONEL: Hello?

ANNE: What? Sorry.

Sta... stable?

Yeah, do you think you're
gonna be stable enough

to go to anger management? Which...

you're going to today?

Yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll go.

Great. Great.

ANNE: Aw, look at her!

So cute!

LIONEL: Hey, no!

No! What are you doing?

Stop it! We're having breakfast!

Are you gonna be okay
alone with Tula today?

Uh, no, I don't think so!

And last night I was lying
awake in a state of terror,

and I realized,

I'm gonna need to bring in
some outside help for this.

- This is what I came up with.
- ANNE: Rover?

Isn't that for finding dog-sitters?

LIONEL: And cat-sitters.

This is the profile I made.

ANNE: "About your dog: It's a spider."

"Age of dog: Tarantula."

"Dog's personality: Eight furry legs,
and even more eyes."

"Other details:
I cannot stress this enough,

"my dog is a tarantula,
who I'm deathly afraid of,

and don't know how to care for."

No one's gonna respond to this.

[PHONE BEEPS]

LIONEL: Oh!

Look who just got a bite.

Who on earth would bite?

♪

We're in a unique position
with male birth control,

as there is no playbook when
it comes to marketing it.

KATE: In that spirit,
we've put together a few pitches

to give you a variety of
creative directions to explore.

I love it. Who's up first?

- KATE: Ha-ha!
- MO: I'm up first.

- KATE: Take it away!
- MO: The Energizer bunny.

The Pillsbury dough boy.

The Seedless...

"raw dog." [BARKS]

"Seedless: Go full raw dog, baby."

KATE: A little fratty, but catchy.

Let's try something else.

Ram, what is manhood,
if not exploring new frontiers?

Men, it's time to show some grit
and make your grandpappy proud.

Men, be the first to become...

Seedless.

KATE: I mean,
the boomers are gonna love that one.

Not that they have a lot of seeds left,
to speak of.

RICHARD: Well...

KATE: Alright, let's try something else.

Did you know that the church
invented "chivalry"

so that men would stop
acting like animals?

Now is the dawn of a new chivalry.

f*ring blanks, like a gentleman.

- KATE: Questions?
- RAM: I'm gonna be honest...

I'm amused.

Very fun, but I'm just not seeing...

KATE: Okay, well, there are...

- JENNY: Hi, sorry!
- KATE: Oh!

JENNY: An americano for Richie Rich...

KATE: [CLEARS THROAT] Jenny?

JENNY: sh*t. Wait...

Who got the oat milk latte?

Um... ooh, ah, Rosie,

do you actually mind trading with Mo?

I don't want to go back to that place.
It was slammed.

Ooh, wait.

The pill you all haven't shut
up about is male birth control?

- KATE: Mm-hm.
- RAM: It's cool, right?

- KATE: Very cool.
- JENNY: [LAUGHS]

I'm sorry,
but who is going to take that?

KATE: Men, Jenny.

JENNY: You think men are
actually gonna buy this?

KATE: If we do our jobs well.

It's so important to do your job well.

JENNY: Okay, if I was ever
on a date and a dude popped

male birth control, the only thing

that he would "not be getting pregnant"

is the tissues in his hands
after I walk on out of there

- and find myself a real man!
- KATE: Okay, thank you, Jenny.

RICHARD: Are we done? Are we done?

- KATE: Yes, she is done.
- JENNY: Whatever!

Are we not among friends?

KATE: No, we're with a client, Jenny.

Excuse me.

KATE: Oh...

[UNDER HER BREATH] Jenny!

RICHARD: Go.

Wait, can we just...

Can we strike that
interaction from the record?

I think I may have made a mistake.

Were you not hearing some good stuff?

You know,
before the insane person interrupted us?

[CHUCKLES] ...Ish?

"Ish"?

Okay.

I appreciate your candour.

Look, you're all very creative,

but this is not just some new
drug that needs a cool campaign.

No, of course not. It's special.

- We see that.
- RAM: It's more than that.

It's a paradigm-shifting,
conversation-starting,

radical-ass nuclear warhead.

I'm trying to start a whole
new sexual revolution.

- Right.
- And I understand

that is a big ask, marketing-wise.

But that is what I'm looking for.

We can get there.

I know we can.

I hope so.

♪

- KATE: Fire Jenny, please.
- ROSIE: Wha...

Why me?

♪

Um...?

I know you're not prepping
the Maggie Peters meeting

without me, 'cause you're not idiots...

Unless you are?

WALKER: Easy now.

You've been looking like
you had your hands full.

These hands look full to you?

WALKER: Let's be honest,

this book doesn't need
all our brains on it.

"Success can be yours,
make lists, stay focused"

kinda thing. Easy-peasy.

Who found her?

Who brought her in here?

Who offered her the contract?

You're right.

But sometimes the baby
makes it difficult for us,

and you, frankly, to focus.

We just thought we'd sneak in
a little bit of extra prep.

Colin!

Get everyone in here. Now, please.

COLIN: Everyone!

SLOANE: Here's the deal.

Things may look a little different,

but I assure you,
nothing has changed with me.

COLIN: Preach!

SLOANE:
I have not skipped a g*dd*mn b*at

since I've been back,

and I don't expect to
be treated as if I have.

There will be no more
meetings behind mine,

or Owen's, backs.

Is that clear?

COLIN: Is that clear?

SLOANE: You know what?

I'm leading the Maggie Peters
meeting, alone.

Sloane, we've done extensive research.

We've read multiple drafts.
We can't be doing...

You don't think I can still
read a book in an hour?

I'm leading the meeting today,

and you can all watch how it's done.

[BABY GURGLES]

Now, someone get me the
hand sanitizer from my desk.

Anne, nice to have you back.

So glad you're safe.

You were on the receiving
end of someone else's anger.

Did that awaken anything?

Yeah, actually, it did.

BUDDY: Of course.

Sliding back into rage is a
natural part of the process.

ANNE: No, not rage.

In fact, the most surprising
thing is that I haven't

been focusing on the things
that would make me angry.

BUDDY: So, what, then?

ANNE: Um, it's the way that I felt,

moments before.

Like, right in between...

life and death.

It was exhilarating.

And the only thing
that's making me angry

is that I can't seem to
find that feeling again.

Is that... crazy?

SEAMUS: Nope.

BUDDY: Seamus?

Anne, please continue.

Um, I felt like...

like a hummingbird.

Like, reflexes were sharp,
and fear was gone.

SEAMUS: Time slowing right down.

BUDDY: Okay, uh, no cross-talk.

ANNE: Yeah! Yeah, that's it!

Sort of like time was like this lake

that I could swim around in.

And for a split-second you let go...

and felt everything.

BUDDY: Why don't we let Anne finish?

Yeah, that's absolutely...

Like, like anything could happen.

And that's the feeling.

BUDDY: Seamus...

Anne.

♪

ROSIE: Well, here we are.

Why are you being weird?

We really appreciate
everything you've done so far,

- more or less.
- JENNY: Thanks!

ROSIE: Um, but some of us,
uh, were thinking

that maybe you'd be better
suited at a job where you can...

let your full self shine.

- JENNY: Rosie...
- ROSIE: What?

You are absolutely right.

I am not meant to be
someone's assistant,

or support executive, or whatever.

- No.
- I couldn't agree more.

ROSIE: I also couldn't agree more.

JENNY: Great!

ROSIE: Woo!

I am so glad you understand.

So, like,
what kind of stuff will I be doing?

I'm so glad I'm not getting
lunches and coffees anymore.

- Eugh...
- ROSIE: Oh, oh.

Uh, no, no. Um...

KATE: [UNDER HER BREATH] Fire her.

ROSIE: You don't...
You don't work here anymore.

JENNY: Could I pitch stuff?

Yeah,
I feel like I'd be good at pitching.

You know, I think our wires
are getting crossed a little...

JENNY: Ooh, I know!

Some of your creative ideas are...

How can I put this? Like, not good.

So, what if you ran them by me first

before you embarrass yourself?

What should we call that position?

Like, pitch-proofer? Vibe-checker?

- ROSIE: Maybe.
- JENNY: Ooh, Kate, did you hear?

I have been promoted!
You better watch your back!

KATE: Yeah,
I know it didn't sound like it,

but that was a f*ring.

You have been fired, Jenny.
Thanks for comin' in.

So sorry to see you go.

- JENNY: Excuse me...?
- ROSIE: Yeah.

JENNY:
But we just created this position.

KATE:
And I can't wait to see who fills it.

ROSIE: You're really scary.

KATE: Okay.

Wow.

ROSIE: [SIGHS]

♪

Hey.

Seamus, right?

SEAMUS: Hey.

Hummingbird.

You really got what I
was saying back there.

Have you also been hit by a car?

SEAMUS: I, uh...

I almost drowned a few years back.

ANNE: Oh, wow.

SEAMUS: Yeah, we were, uh...
We were up at this lake,

and my foot got caught on a rope.

A few seconds before I passed out,

my buddy pulled me up.

But...

I felt all the things you described.

Been chasing that feeling ever since.

Did you ever find it?

It's actually what landed me here.

I stole the principal's car.

Took it for some donuts
in the staff parking lot.

- What was that like?
- It was...

exactly like you described.

There was no time, no nothing.

ANNE: Hm.

SEAMUS: You should try it sometime.

Except I don't think you
can do donuts in an SUV.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess not.

SEAMUS: Anyway,
got caught, got suspended,

and now I have to come here.

Don't really know why.

I'm not even angry.

Oh, yeah? [CHUCKLES]

Well, um...

I mean, if you ever want to
talk about your "not anger,"

here.

You're a shrink?

Well, damn, doc.

Maybe I'll see you around.

♪

Hi!

- Thank God you're here.
- BETHANY: Hey!

So, where's that gorgeous dog of yours?

If I wasn't clear, uh, it's actually...

BETHANY: Don't worry,
I know it's a spider, man.

I'm just making a joke.
That's how I joke.

So, um, where is she?

BETHANY: Uh, do you have any meal worms?

LIONEL: In the bag here. There's some...

- BETHANY: Oh!
- LIONEL: [GAGGING]

BETHANY: You just gotta lift the lid,
and then...

open the can of worms. [CHUCKLES]

And then you take one
of these little guys...

Sorry, buddy! [CHUCKLES]

And lower it down, gently...

and last-a-mundo, shut the lid!

LIONEL: Oh, God!

She's eating!

BETHANY: Yeah, she is!

Nature is such a beautiful thing.

LIONEL: Is it?

RICHARD: Hey.

You sh*t-canned that new assistant, huh?

Who, Jenny? Yeah, why?

You fond of her?

Me? Oh God, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, but I was thinking all
morning about what she said.

Oh, how she claimed
her grandmother invented

Greek yogurt?

- RICHARD: No, about Seedless.
- KATE: Oh?

RICHARD: And as awful as she was,
I'm wondering

if her mindset is not more common

than we might think. That maybe

this men's product could use the wisdom

of a few more women?

- KATE: Huh.
- RICHARD: Think about it.

WOMAN: I've been on the pill so long,

I may as well just stay on it. It's...

It's simpler that way.

It is embarrassing to admit,

but even if he did agree to it, I...

I don't think I could trust
my husband to take it.

ROSIE: Interesting, okay.

Does anyone else relate
to this sentiment?

ROSIE: Oh.

- RAM: Can I talk to you for a second?
- KATE: Uh-huh.

ROSIE: Okay, well, um, next question...

RAM: How many of these have you done?

This would be my third.

- RAM: And they all feel this way?
- KATE: Yeah, I know.

Not exactly the paradigm
shift we'd imagined, huh?

This is gonna break
Denise Richards' heart.

Sorry, is she...

is she involved?

Yeah, she's the brains behind the drug,

medically speaking of course.

You're telling me that
Wild Things' Denise Richards

is medically responsible for Seedless?

No, the lead scientist.

Her name is Denise Richards, also.

KATE: Oh...

RAM:
She basically figured out how to target

a protein called RAR...

Yeah, you don't care.

So, a woman developed this drug?

I mean, that's an angle.

Sure... how?

KATE: Well, you have her speak
directly to the consumer.

Seedless was developed
by a woman for men,

but it's actually really for women...

RAM: Mm-hm.

KATE: And we deliver that message

from the woman who made it.

Well...

Maybe you should meet Denise
before putting her on camera.

KATE: Is that a challenge?

This pill that you helped create
is a game-changer, full stop.

My PR firm and your company feel
there is no better spokesperson

for Seedless than the brilliant,
real-life woman

who brought it to this world.

[SLURPS SMOOTHIE]

KATE: Uh...

So, uh... So what do you think?

DENISE: Um...

That's just a real thick smoothie.

I could get you a spoon, or...

Ah, no.

Tell ya what.

I'll do your little commercial.

Oh!

Look, just so we're
on the same page, it's, uh...

It's not gonna be so little.

DENISE: Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Well, you know what,

I am very passionate about this,

so I mean,
I'd love to help out however I can.

- Great.
- Plus, you know,

this sounds like a hoot and a scream.

I always tell people, "Hey,
if it's a hoot and a scream,

count me in." [CHUCKLES]

Don't I say that, Wallace?

Wallace... Wallace!

Yeah, he can't hear me.

Anyway, yeah, so, uh...

I'm in!

Well, uh... Well, great.

I am thrilled to hear that.

DENISE: Great. Wallace...

Wallace! What did I say

about wearing headphones
in my lab, okay?

Hey, buddy, one more time

and I'm gonna dissolve
those things in acid.

Yeah, me, I'm talking.

KATE: [QUIETLY] I can mould anyone.

I can mould anyone.

- DENISE: I will do it this time.
- KATE: Okay,

I will... we will be in touch.

DENISE: Okay! Mm-hm.

[SLURPS SMOOTHIE]

SLOANE: Sorry to keep you waiting,
Maggie!

We were doing an awful
lot of burping in there.

- Him, not me.
- MAGGIE: [CHUCKLES]

SLOANE: So!

"Tasking!"

I've been studying your
manuscript and I gotta say, wow!

It's really gonna make a difference.

So many people can't keep
their heads on straight

when they get busy,
so I think readers are...

- [BABY CRYING]
- Okay, shh, shhh, shhh.

Sorry.

As you can see,
I am not the maternity leave type.

WALKER: Want me to take him, Sloane?

SLOANE: No, thank you.
I've got it under control.

Okay, where was I?

You were saying something about readers?

- [BABY CONTINUES CRYING]
- SLOANE: Anyway,

when Wynston originally
offered you this contract,

we had our eyes on your loyal fan base.

And I think that you actually
have a broader appeal, and...

[BABY GURGLING]

Okay, okay.

MAGGIE: Yeah,
can I ask what your thoughts are

on the final chapter?

- SLOANE: The...
- MAGGIE: The final chapter.

"Three golden rules
for the task at hand"?

SLOANE: Mm-hm, so good.

WALKER: You know,
we loved just how you embrace the...

I'd love to hear Sloane's thoughts,

if that's okay.

It's effective.

MAGGIE: Uh-huh, go on.

SLOANE: And it's, you know, about, um...

success, and...

success, how it can be anybody's...

MAGGIE: That's what I thought.

You didn't finish the book.

SLOANE: Excuse me? [LAUGHS]

MAGGIE: Sloane,
I've made all the mistakes

I'm watching you make right now.

I wrote a book about it.

It's the one you skimmed this afternoon.

SLOANE: Okay, alright.

Well, let's just
take it down a notch here.

MAGGIE: Look, I had a new baby,

tried to go on a speaking tour

and write a book all at the same time.

You know what all that
multi-tasking led to?

A nervous breakdown
onstage in St. Louis.

SLOANE: Okay, well, not to be rude,

but most people don't have the luxury

of doing one task at a time.

And some of us don't want to.

I don't mean to be rude,

but your approach is not sustainable.

Look, if you want to try
and balance deep work

with a newborn baby, go right ahead.

But not at my expense.

Call me when we're all on the same page.

SLOANE: Okay, Maggie...

Maggie...

WALKER: Nice one.

♪

♪

NATHAN: You know,
I've been thinking a lot

about our conversation the other night.

The birth control thing.

- I was way off.
- KATE: Oh?

That stuff I was saying about men

not wanting to take it?

That was some old-world,
toxic masculinity bullshit.

Did somebody do some reading?

NATHAN:
I browsed a few Jezebel articles,

but the point is,
it was a weak argument,

and I am ready to correct my behaviour.

Yeah? How?

NATHAN: For starters,
I threw away your birth control

and I started taking that
Seedless you brought home.

So I'm gonna need a re-up pretty soon.

Did Jezebel also tell you to, um,

take away my agency by
chucking my birth control?

Yeah...

I-I didn't fully think that one through.

KATE: Mm-hm.

You're a nice boy and you mean well.

You know what? Alright, yeah.

Let's try this out.

- NATHAN: Yeah?
- KATE: Mm!

I have to admit, I am curious.

But how about that, huh?

Both father and son both looking
down at the rig God gave them

and just saying,
"No thanks, don't need it."

NATHAN: Well, hold on,
taking birth control

is not the same thing
as a vow of celibacy!

Here's to trying out that
new useless penis of yours!

KATE: I'm sure it's still fun.

♪ I've spent my whole life,
I've spent my whole life... ♪

COLIN: Sorry.

♪ I've spent my whole
life running away... ♪

♪ I've spent my whole life ♪

[BABY CRYING]

♪ I've spent my whole life ♪

♪ I've spent my whole
life running away. ♪

♪ No, I think I kind of like it. ♪

♪ Life is better that way. ♪

ANNE: [VOICEMAIL] You've
reached Dr. Anne Carlson.

LIONEL: Yeah, did you take my car?

And where are you?

ANNE: Ya-hoooo!

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪

ANNE: Woo!

Yeah!

Yeah! Woooooo!

[SCREAMING]