01x05 - Who Violently m*rder*d Simon S. Salty?

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Smiling Friends". Aired: January 10, 2022 - present.*
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Adult animated series follows the employees of a small company dedicated to bringing happiness to a bizarre yet colorful world.
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01x05 - Who Violently m*rder*d Simon S. Salty?

Post by bunniefuu »



Oh,
that movie was epic!

What did you think,
Charlie?
I don't know, man.

I didn't really enjoy it
that much, to be honest.

What, really?
Yeah.

Okay, okay, look,
to be completely fair,

I did really enjoy the scene
when Biblo went rogue

and he b*at that woman
in the head with the hammer.

I thought it was artistically
and like, tastefully done.

I thought it was
a well-done sequence.

That's funny. That was the part
I really didn't like.

It was just
too violent.

I think it's just because
he was a leech.

Hey, by the way,
you want to get some food?

Yeah, I could eat.

[ Smacks lips ]

Oh, man, I could really go
for some Salty's right now.

Isn't that like,
cheap fast food or something?
What?

Have you really never
been to Salty's?

Dude, you're gonna
love this place.

I've been coming here
since I was a homunculus.

[ Mouse squeaks ]

Charlie, this place
doesn't seem very clean,

There's grease
all over the floor.

Ah, it's just
part of the charm, man.

Welcome to Salty's!

I'm Simon S. Salty and I
built this very restaurant

with my own two hands!

And together with
my funny mascot friends,

we work hard make -- to give you
the most quality -- supreme --

to give you that quality
Salty's experience.

Unfortunately,
the United States FDA --

[ Mocking] The FDA --

has deemed my food a "hazard" --

oh, my food --

linked to 15 deaths in
the past four months alone.

Although I am rolling out some
new and improved menu items!

Come on, I'm Italian.

You can try my new
Cucumber Deluxe,

the Super Green Bowl,
and my personal favorite,

Salty's Sourdough Bread Busts.

So come to Salty's

and get your new and improved
menu items todayyyy!

Ugh, I hate when
fast food restaurants

do this
healthy food sh*t.

First, they took off
a century egg, and now this.

Awesome.
What's a century egg?

Oh, it's like
a Chinese egg

that you bury the dirt
and you dig it up

and you eat it after
like, 100 days.

Um, I actually thought
it was pretty good.

I liked it.
I happen to like it.

I actually think
the Cucumber Deluxe

looks scrumptious.
No, no, no, no,
Pim.

You have to get
the Salty Delight burger.

[ Ding! ]

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize
we had customers.

What can I get you?

Yeah, I'll just get two
Salty Delight Burgers, thanks.

Ah, sorry,
unfortunately, as of today,

we don't sell
the Salty Delight anymore.

I can get you a Salty
Sourdough Bread Bust, though.

What?

Come on, you can't get rid
of Salty Delight.

Let me talk to
Salty.

Oh, Salty is actually taking
his iconic 7:00 P.M. nap.

No, I think I'm going to
speak to him.

Oh, my God!
Holy sh*t!

S-Salty's been m-m-m*rder*d!

Operator: 9-1-1,
what's your emergency?

Yeah, I'm at Salty's Restaurant
on Meat Boulevard.

Simon S. Salty
has been m*rder*d!

Uh, yeah, after
some recent budget cuts,

we're no longer in charge
of m*rder mysteries.

Another team handles that now.
They'll be on their way shortly.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

[ Cellphone buzzes ]
Hello?

Hey, Charlie, the owner of
the famous Salty's restaurant

was just brutally m*rder*d,

and I need you and Pim
to figure out who did it.

Thank you. Bye.

Uhh. Uh.

It looks like we're technically
in charge of solving this.

I guess that means we're
detectives now, Charlie.

Did you really bring that
with you into the movie theater?

Hmm,
first things first,

how many exits
does this place have, Ketchup?

Just the front entrance.

Then that means the k*ller is
still here in the restaurant.

Ketchup, who else was in
the restaurant when we came in?

Just me, you guys,
and all the other mascots.

What other mascots?

[ Thunder rolls ]

Alright, so we have Mustard,
Salt, Pepper, Crazy Cup,

the Fun Twins,
and me, Ketchup, hee-hee.

I think
that's everyone.

And don't forget
about me, Grease.

I could have done it.

Um...alright,
well, did you do it?

I mean, no,
but I totally could have.

Cool, anyways.

As much as I love
all you epic mascots,

somebody here definitely
m*rder*d Simon S. Salty.

We should go around, get
everyone's side of the story,

then just see
what sticks out.

And none of your are leaving
until we solve this!

[ Thunder claps ]

You didn't need to
raise your voice, man.

Alright, Ketchup.

What was your relationship
like with Salty?

Well, lately we have been
having arguments

about the new
healthy menu.

I just knew it was going
to cause problems

for the restaurant.
Hmm.

Sounds like you were
quite angry at Salty, then.

Yes, but I would never s*ab
my friend in the back.

[ Crying ]

He was my damn godfather
to my children.

Oh, don't cry,
Mr. Ketchup.

We'll solve
this mystery soon.

Thank you, Pim.

Alright, I'm not
screwing around here.

You two k*ll Salty,
or what?
Oh, no, never.

We were spending all day
draining the rotten soda

from the machine with
our soda-draining device

and refilling it with
fresh, soapy soda.

Yes, it's true.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

You guys spent all day
doing that?

Well, not all day.

We did have
a little break

to have a little kiss
in the closet.

[ Giggling ]

[ Kissing ]

Alright. Noted.

That's just straight-up
beautiful, by the way.

Look, I couldn't have
k*lled salty.

I spent all day cleaning
a stain off my costume.

Pim: Hmm.
A stain of what?

My own doo-doo feces,
okay?

For your information, I happen
to have a serious drug problem

which causes me to squirt
out my ass into my costume.

And the worst part of all
is this thing

takes 20 minutes
to take off.

Oh, fair enough.
I'm genuinely sorry.

That sounds terrible.
Yeah. No dip.

Oh, I wish I could help,
but I was in here all day,

just doing
my routine stock check.

Okay, yeah,
that actually checks out.

Oh, alright,
fine!

You pushed me hard enough,
and now I'm forced to admit it!

Yes, Salty and I were
having a steamy affair.

What of it?

The last time
I saw him,

I was breaking up with him
in his office

as he was laying down to take
his iconic 7:00 P.M. nap.

I just couldn't keep it
going on any longer.

He was smothering
me too much.

Alright,
that's a bombshell.

Could you expand
on that a little bit more?

I'd never do anything
to hurt him,

if that's what
you're getting at.

Oh, m*rder is
a terrible thing.

Just the thought of it makes me
ever so like light-headed!

Ohh!

Can't a poor mustard like me
ever have a little fun?

Yeah,
everyone likes fun.

You like to
have fun, too?

I mean, you know,
you're asking about me?

I mean, yeah,
I like fun. Yeah.

Oh, yeah?
[ Laughs ]

I already said yes.

Alright, Charlie,
you all done here?

I think we just have one
last interview left.

Yeah, yeah.
We're all done here.

[ Chittering ]

Uh, we can have fun
on the jungle gym

after you tell me what
you two were doing

at the time
of the m*rder.
[ Crash! ]

[ Chittering ]

Well, that's
a nice story and all,

but it doesn't really
answer my question.

Pim, how did you
understand any of that?

What? Ow!

[ Chittering ]

This is tough.

I really feel like any of
these rotten mascots

could have done it.

What do you think,
Pim?

I--I don't know.
Sorry.

I can't even
think properly right now.

My arm is stinging
so bad

from whatever those
Fun Twins spat on me.

Oh, it's just a little
bit of playful spit, Pim.

Just having fun.

Ahh, Salty must have some
kind of cream or ointment

around here.

It did seem odd that Mustard
was having an affair with Salty,

but also that cup thing has got
a bad energy about him, man.

Just a bad vibe.

Wait a second.
What room is this?

S-S-Secret room!

Ohh!
Ohh!

Greetings.

Wait, you're
the century egg.

They took you off
the menu, right?

Yes, I was delicious,

but the public wasn't ready
for it, so I sold terribly,

and Salty took me off
his damn menu

and locked me away down here.

And now you know
my cool [bleep] back story.

That is pretty cool.
Thank you.

Well, look,
Salty was m*rder*d,

and we're trying to
figure out who did it.

I knew this day would come.

He's made a lot of
mascot enemies over the years.

Terrible shame.

Do you have any information
that might help us out, Mr. Egg?

Ah, yes, well,
funny you say.

I do happen to film everything
that happens in Salty's office

on my secret
security camera.

But you wouldn't be interested
in anything like that.

No, no, no,
we definitely are.
Are you serious?

Bleh.

I can feel the cold hand
of death taking me away.

You may have my tape
on the condition

you bury me in the beautiful
Chinese Xiang Pine Forest,

my hometown.

Oh, yeah, we will definitely go
to China to bury you, man.

Very well.

It's over there,
in that drawer.

[ Coughs, groans ]

Thank you, Egg.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not that one. Other drawer.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Listen up, everyone. We have it
all right here on tape.

Now we can see for ourselves
what actually happened.

Alright. Rewind it.

I knew it! It was Ketchup
the entire time.

Oh, fine, it was me.

Charlie, you like
our menu, right?

Aren't you sick of seeing

all your favorite
fast food restaurants

becoming healthy
and cleaning up their image?

Fast food should be greasy
and make your heart palpitate!

Yeah, but I never break
the sixth commandment, dude.

Wait a second.
I think there's more.

What? So Salt and Pepper
did it?

Fine. Fine!
We did it!

We drained
all of his blood

because he didn't approve of us
kissing on the job.

Alright,
I guess that settles it.

Wait a second.
I think -- it's still going.

Alright. You got me.

How many [bleep] people
k*lled this guy?

We just need to see
who k*lled him first.

It seemed easier to k*ll him
than to break his heart.

Alright, I don't think we're
gonna get any more surprises,

so I guess you
really did do it.

Wait a second,
there's a bit more footage left!

Wait, wait, wait!
Play it from there.

My final burger!

After today, I'm going to
start eating healthy.

Oh, my heart! Ohh!

So I guess that means
they're all innocent.

Salty technically d*ed
from a heart att*ck.

I mean, all of these characters
are definitely psychopaths,

but I guess
none of them k*lled them.

That means we legally
can all go free.

Yay!

I don't think
it means that, I'm just --

[ Cheering ]

[ Laughing, screaming ]

Alright, next time
I'm picking the food.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Sirens wail ]

♪♪

♪♪

Did we have to come all the way
to China to do this?

It's what the egg wanted,
Alan.

You know what's
messed up?

He probably tastes even better
right now that he did before.

Yeah,
what do they taste like?

I've never tried
a century egg before.

Really?

Okay, you have to try it
at least once.
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