02x12 - Fight

[bunniefuu]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Did I see your last name on it?

It's a flier for my dad's
landscaping company.

Aww. Uh, is that your brother?

No, I'm actually an only child,

but apparently appearing
to be a family business

helps bring in customers.

That's... Sorry, so your...
Your dad, he hired an actor

to play his son
instead of just asking you?

Yeah.

I think I'm confused.

You're not.

Well, he fine. Can I have your
fake brother's real number?

I'd like to climb that family tree.

[GIGGLES]

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

Okay, so the writing prompt
is as follows...

You're gonna write a paragraph
about a cat with a silly job.

I know. It's silly, but it's fun.

And then after we're finished,
you're gonna read them aloud...

Um, sorry, Zara and Joya,

why are you guys
not in your assigned seats?

Well, she keeps taking all
the stickers off my folder

and then putting them on hers.

No, I'm not.

She keeps hitting me
and taking my pencil.

That was my pencil, dummy.

Oh! Okay. No.

That's enough.

We will treat each other with kindness.

Now, please, get up and go
back to your regular seats.

You don't get to decide where you sit.

So, Zara and Joya don't get
along the best,

and lately, it's been getting worse.

Kids rub each other the wrong
way from time to time,

but it's okay, no problem.

I know how to handle these things.

I've watched so many unlikely
animal friend videos

that I don't even know
what "unlikely" means anymore.

I'll b*at you up.

I'm pretty sure that was
"I'll beam you up."

Like, clearly, she's a Trekkie.

She wants to beam her up on her ship.

Her friend-ship.

My dad's in town
for a big landscaping job,

and he wanted to stop by
to see where I work.

Probably so he could tell me
what he finds unsatisfactory

about it to my face...

with love.

Dang, can you blink?

Is this one of those "Stranger Things"?

What's your favorite song,
Gregory?! [LAUGHS]

Dad. Hello. Welcome to Abbott.

Thank you for having me, son.

I'm Lt. Colonel Martin Eddie.

- Ten hut.
- At ease.

Here's my business card.

Let me know if you have
any landscaping needs.

Eddie Lawn and Care can take
care of any job during any season.

Mm.

Don't look at me like that.
He gave me his number.

Let me get you checked in,
and then I'll show you around.

Your Hotmail account
is very brave, Mr. Eddie.

I wouldn't trust a landscaper
with any other e-mail service.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

You doing your taxes?

You know you can claim
stray cats as dependents?

[SCOFFS] Taxes. People still doing that?

No, I'm trying to crunch the numbers

on my fantasy football squad to find out
why Mr. Johnson b*at me.

It was that damn Garoppolo.

That's the last time
I draft based on hotness.

What are you doing?
You already took that.

Looking for your fantasy football team,
'cause it's trash.

Well, now you about
to face me in the finals,

and I do not respect my elders.

[WHISTLING]

[CHUCKLES]

There's only two things I'm scared of...

Facing Mr. Johnson
and having to k*ll my granny

during the zombie apocalypse.

You know, Mr. Johnson's always the first

to claim a player on the waiver wire.

That's why he's been cleaning up.

They should make him the new Mr. Clean.
He's already bald.

[SCOFFS]

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Ooh.

Double trouble.

Dad, this is Melissa.
Melissa, this is my father.

You got a good end-season
management strategy?

I'm busy.

So, this is your lounge?

Yeah. Yeah.

You need some plants in here.

[INHALES DEEPLY] The air is stale.

Uh, don't mind us.

We're just green-thumbing through

"Better Hoods and Gardens,"
looking for ideas.

Dad, these are my coworkers,
Jacob and Barbara.

Mr. Eddie, wonderful to meet you.

The caretakers of the flourishing
Abbott Elementary Garden welcome you.

I could have sworn I saw
the plants getting protected

from frost using cut two-liter bottles.

A classic Eddie family method,

except someone improved
slightly on the design.

Y-You say "improved"?

Well, gotta give it up
for my girl Barb for that one.

Well, that and Sprite.

Ah, no, no, Mr. Hill.

That was all you,
that ingenious invention.

No... No, it wasn't.

I thought you did it after you
put all that mulch in?

Huh?

Well, what about the cute little labels

letting us know what everything is?

Not me. I don't know
how to write in cursive.

- Gregory.
- Hmm?

Have you been secretly
tending to the garden?

Yes.

For how long? [GASPS]

The entire time.

But I planted the daffodils.

You did. Just wrong.

They were crowding each other
out, so I had to replant them.

Look at you,
showing a little initiative.

Well... Well, what about
the collard greens I planted?

That was spinach, which is not
an easy mistake to make.

Not tolerating incompetence.

I like that.

Thank you, Dad.

Gregory, why would you sow secretly?

Why would you prune privately?

Why would you cull clandestinely?

- Hidden hoe-ing and whatnot?
- Are you done?

Barbara, hit him one more time.

Why would you be tight-lipped
about tilling?

Everything we planted was a lie?

No, no, no, no.
Some of those, um, weeds were yours.

Oh. So, you just silly, huh?

I knew nothing could keep you
out of the dirt.

[CHUCKLES]

And he has been secretly
tending the garden

this whole time, like some sort of

plant Santa Claus.

Like a Planta Claus.

Uh, Janine, there's
a skirmish developing

that needs your attention.

Yes, uh, Zara and Joya?

I am aware. It's in process.

They weren't getting along earlier,

so I made them buddies for the week.

Quality time will nurture understanding,

and, you know, it'll lead
to a beautiful,

blossoming flower of a friendship.

I say "flower" because we were
talking about the garden.

I thought it was because
you're dressed like a peony.

Anyway, trust the process.

Before you know it,
those two will be inseparable,

like peas and pods and...

[GRUNTS]

[CHILD AND JANINE GASP]

Dang! You got milked!

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Nope, nope, nope! Nope!

No, no. Yeah, just trust the process.

[CHILDREN GRUNTING AND ARGUING]

So, I heard one of your kids
got hit in a milk-by.

Just kicking the dust
off their friendship.

I don't think they like each other.

Okay, guys, you know what?

These kids should be able to get along,
and I can get them there.

Yes. Look, my mom and sister
used to fight all the time,

and I would mediate.

I was both the crisis negotiator
and the hostage.

I was Jack Bauer and Jack Bauer.

And now they're closer than ever.

Doesn't your sister live in Colorado?

Physically, but emotionally,
she never left.

I don't know. Some people just
hate each other, and that's fine.

That's right. I don't like
Janine, and it's going great.

Well, I'm a pacifist.

You mess with me, I'm-a pass
a fist across your face.

Well, I don't hate anyone.

Except for Jimmy Dontel-Anderson.

- Goodnight.
- Yeah, in sixth grade,

he threw a handful of grapes at me

while I was doing my solo
in "Moulin Rouge Jr."

One went right into my mouth,
straight down my throat,

and I had to give myself the Heimlich.

Our chorus teacher didn't even
stop playing.

She just...

You know, the show must go on.

Okay, Sophia, you're up to read
the family tree report.

Melissa, I have something
urgent to discuss with you.

Be right back. What's going on?

It's about the fantasy football
championships.

Why'd I even ask?

At the end of his sermon,
I heard my pastor

say that Christian McCaffrey
might not play this weekend.

Then he said some nonsense
about gambling

not being of the Lord,
but I was on my way out.

McCaffrey is Mr. Johnson's best player.

Exactly. And if I pick up
his backup first,

like a Black woman on "The Voice,"

he has no chance of winning.

Waiver wire opens at : .
You distract him,

and then I'll pick up
McCaffrey's backup.

Uh-huh. What's in it for me?

% of my fantasy winnings.

%, and your shelf in the fridge.

Damn. That's where I keep
my various mustards.

The Buddy System was too
surface-level for Joya and Zara.

They need to know what's going
on internally with each other,

truly empathize.

So, I'm having them do a project
where they trace one another

and then fill it in with all the things

that make their partner special.

So... Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It looks like fun.

I wish somebody would trace me.

I think I'd be like %
"Family Matters" re-runs

and then % Dunkaroos.

In conclusion, it was very nice
getting to know Quagmire.

It's Quahir.

Okay. Alright, guys. That's good.

[APPLAUSE]

Alright, um, you know what?

Let's have Joya and Zara go next.

Come on up.

Here you can see that Joya
is full of poop,

not just where you expect poop to be...

Everywhere, especially her big head.

Alright, you know what, Zara?

That was not the assignment.

Unlike Zara, I actually
did the assignment.

You can see she likes gum,
Gucci flip flops, and Roblox.

Okay, now, that was actually
what I was...

I'm not done.
I want to talk about the outside, too.

Smelly breath, smelly farts,
smelly pits,

because she stinks.

Whoa!

You know what? That's the final straw.

Do you two want to watch
"Toy Story" tomorrow?

Which one? I can't do again.

Alright, well, you're not
gonna be watching any of them

unless you guys find a way
to settle this.

If you're mature enough
to make the graphic drawings,

then you're mature enough
to work this out.

Find a solution or you'll be
in the library for Movie Friday.

And we are watching
the first "Toy Story."

The third one makes me cry.

So, get back to your seats,
please. Thank you.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Oh, hey, Pop. I mean, uh, sir.

Yeah, you're funny. I just
wanted to tell you how proud I was

of your little gardening method.

- Sorry?
- Don't be.

Frankly, I'm quite impressed
you continued

our landscaping legacy.

Well, I couldn't let
those plants just die.

If you're available,
come help me out on this job.

Earn some extra cash,
maybe take that Amber girl

out on a proper date
to a French restaurant

that you can't pronounce.

You want my input?

Oui, oui.

Uh, o-okay. Yeah, sure.

I'll take it. [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

So, you're taking your gardening skills

out into the broad daylight,

Mr. "What We Do In The Shadows"?

It's just for a little extra cash.

Mm.

You look like you're trying
to mute a smile.

I am?

Mm-hmm.

I don't think my dad's
ever asked for my input

on anything before, except for that time

when he asked
if I thought I was being funny.

You caught me.

I'm happy.

I think I'm experiencing
what they refer to

as Black boy joy,
even though I am a man.

You see that? They're getting along.

I haven't had a problem
the entire morning.

Hey!

Are you the girl
I'm supposed to b*at up?

You a little small for an eighth grader,

but I don't discriminate.

Hey.

There she is.

That's the girl who said
she's gonna b*at you up.

I heard your sister been saying
that my sister's full of poop.

Wait, no one's been saying anyone is...

And I heard your sister's been
saying my sister's smelly.

Well, smells like your
whole family smelling smelly.

Fight!

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

Come at me, sis! No, I ain't scared!

And don't hide behind
that eighth grader!

She can't help you!

Okay, I am a full grown woman,

and there is a better way
to handle this, girls.

Below the belt, Keke!

Smash her like she smashed my milk!

Stop! You guys! Yeah, Ava, get them.

Only in America. [LAUGHS]

Hey, hey, relax. This is designer.

What in the Earth, Wind,
and Fire is going on here?

Yeah, I don't know.

Zara, Joya, I asked you guys
to handle this

and you said you came to an agreement.

Yeah, we agreed that our sisters
would fight each other.

Shame to see my queens fight.

But I thought Ms. Teagues
was gonna get molly-whopped.

[MELISSA GASPS]

Hey, Tasia, come here.

Can you do Ms. Schemmenti a favor?

Can you take this tub of dirty
paint water and empty it out

in the sink in the bathroom
at the end of the hall?

I doubt it, but I'll try.

Oh.

Operation Splash Interference
is in effect.

Ms. Schemmenti,
I spilled all over the bathroom.

I'm sorry.

You did great, kid.

AVA: Attention Abbott Custodian,
A. K. A. Mr. Johnson.

We have a drop and mop.
Drop what you're doing and mop.

Report to the girls' bathroom
at the east end hallway,

ASAPington.

I haven't seen a mess like this

since the Playboy Mansion in ' .

Okay, everybody knows
that bathroom is a dead zone

for cell service,
and he still got an Obama phone.

Okay, well, hurry up, because it's :

and he mops at a rate of SPMs...

Squeegees per minute.

- What the...
- What's the matter?

- Did you get him?
- He's gone.

He picked up the backup.

But the waiver wire just opened

and he's in the middle of cell hell.

Well, that old man's mop bucket
must have Ethernet,

because he got him.

[CRYING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

There's no crying in fantasy football.

MARTIN: Ground's still a bit frozen.

Make sure you use that good
Eddie musculature I gave you.

[CHUCKLES] Don't work so hard, son.

You know what happened to John Henry.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, uh, I've been
giving it some thought.

What if I added an "and son"
to Eddie Lawn and Care?

Eddie and Son and Lawn and Care?

No.

Eddie and Son Lawn Care.

What about your, uh,
your fake son from the flier?

Great model.

Terrible gardener.

[CHUCKLES]
What are you trying to say, Dad?

I mean, we've talked about me
working for you.

You tell me to do something, I do it,

you say, "Nope, not like that."

I then correct it, and you go,
"No, that's still not it."

Then you say, "Fine,
I'll just do it myself."

Then I watch you do exactly what I did,

and then you say, "What an improvement."

I'm not asking you to work for me.

I'm asking you to work with me.

Why now?

Look, I'm trying to get into
business with you,

and eventually, I'm gonna retire
and leave it to you,

but first, I just needed to know
you could carry your own weight,

and you can.

I've never seen you more confident.

Ooh.

What a wonderful drawing of a...
A poop head.

Yeah. My fighting students.

Oh.

Well, I see that you signed up
for my office hour.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, I'll see you in a week and a half.

And what do you know?

Just like that, a spot opened up.

Hmm.

Okay.

Alright, so, I'm upset with myself

about how things turned out
with Zara and Joya.

I feel like all of my solutions
just created more problems.

I feel like I really got my math
wrong with this one.

Janine, this isn't math.

The two of them just don't
enjoy each other's company.

What's wrong with that?

I'm... [SIGHS] I'm not sure.

Just people not getting along,
it makes me uncomfortable.

Well, have you reflected on why that is?

No, but I have tried journaling.

Janine, has there ever been a time

where you've had to sit with conflict?

Well, yeah, my mom used to do
these things

that would really upset my sister,

and, you know, they kind of
would get into their squabbles,

and I would get put in
the middle of their squabbles,

and they would want me to choose sides,

and I just wanted it to stop.

Mm. It was awful.

Even now, when my sister comes to visit,

she doesn't want my mom to know.

And if she does, they get all squabbly.

And as difficult as that sounds,
I have to tell you,

this is not about them.

This is about you.

You need to become comfortable
being uncomfortable.

Sometimes, two people just
don't like each other,

like me and that usher at church.

I'll sit where I want to sit. Mm.

- Hey, Barbara?
- Hmm?

See you next week for office hour?

Wait a minute, I thought this was...

[CHUCKLES] Oh, Barbara.
I'm gonna have a ton of problems

by then, too.

Janine, don't make me call
a th grader to b*at you up.

[LAUGHS] Not funny.

Now that we have our jar
and our wet paper towel,

we're gonna take the seed
and put it inside the wet paper towel

so that it can germinate inside the jar.

But remember that the seeds
are very fragile,

so we have to take extra special care

to make sure that they can grow.

Look, Mr. Eddie, I'm Jason.

Okay. Now, Jordan Peele
that off your face

so we can go through
the steps of germination.

Wow, look at you.

Got your fingers in the mud
with your pops

and it inspired you
to embrace your roots.

It went well with your dad, though?

He actually asked me
to run the company with him.

Mama told me there'd be days like this.

I'm not leaving Abbott, Jacob.

I said no.

Obviously. Yeah.

No, I never...
I never thought you would.

Actually, he, uh...
Noticed how confident I seemed,

and I said it's because I'm at Abbott.

First time I've been at a place
that I love,

doing something that I love.

Yeah, with people that you love?

No, I didn't say that.

But this job did give me confidence.

You know, I never liked
gardening before,

but I like doing it here.

Well, I, for one, am happy to know

that we will be gardening together.

Green thumb buddies.

Mr. Eddie,
I accidentally dropped my seed

into my mouth and then
I accidentally ate it.

Am I going to have a lemon tree
grow inside my belly?

Well, let's think about it.

Did you also swallow a wet paper towel?

Yes.

Alright, let's go to the nurse.

["YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME" PLAYING]

♪ You've got a friend in me ♪

♪♪

♪ You've got a friend in me ♪

♪♪

Is it hard when people I care
about don't like each other?

Of course. If I had it my way,
Woody and Buzz

would have started out friends, yeah.

But I have to learn to accept

that what my students
are feeling is real.

'Cause this is real life and not Pixar.

♪ ...rough ahead ♪

♪ And you're miles and miles
from your nice, warm bed ♪

Oh.

♪ You just remember
what your old pal said ♪

♪ You've got a friend in me ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ Just reme... ♪ I don't...

I don't know the rest of the lyrics.

See ya. Whoa.

Uh, what are you two doing here?

We're here to pick up our sisters.

Oh.

Okay, so you just happened
to be here at the same time,

and you're getting along very...
Very cordial?

Cordial? Nah, we friends.

- Yeah.
- Friends?

Yeah. After you stopped us from
fighting, we got to talking.

Seems like we have
some common interests.

We both love butterflies.

Aww.

And b*ating people up.

Okay. Well, you know what?

That's wonderful, girls. Really. It is.

Have a good night, okay?

You, too. Bye.

Bye.

[SIGHS]

[LINE RINGING]

AYESHA: Hey, it's Ayesha.
You know what to do.

[VOICEMAIL BEEPS]

Hey, Ayesha.

It's me. Um...

I was wondering if
you were gonna still come visit,

because I think you should.

And don't worry.

I won't tell Mom.

I promise.

So, just give me a call back.

Okay.

[CLICK]

The champ is here. [LAUGHS]

Start calling me Sir Johnson,

as I have been knighted
by the Queen of Trash herself,

Ava's fantasy football roster. Oh!

You only won 'cause you got on
the waiver wire before I could.

Which, by the way,
how is that even possible?

Didn't you have a spill to clean up?

[LAUGHING] Yeah, on aisle three-peat.

- Hey, here's your cut.
- What?!

You're helping him out?

You were the one jumping
on the waiver wire.

Yeah, I thought you had
a moral objection to the NFL.

And while those
moral objections still stand,

I will do anything to see my man smile.

[BLOWS, IMITATES BIRD CAWING]