06x02 - Twisted Sister

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mmm, Hackett...

I've been meaning
to ask you,

how you doing
about this Alex thing?

You feeling okay?

I'm fine, Roy.

I can't believe that
even you're asking me.

Oh, come on.

You think I don't know the pain
of a broken heart?

That hollow feeling in your soul

when you expect to wake up next
to the woman you love.

Instead you find
your wallet's missing,

there are dust bunnies
where the stereo used to be.

Well, I guess you've learned
a lesson about love, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Always insure
for replacement value.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, check it out.

Helen's engagement ring.
BRIAN: Whoa.

Very nice. Where'd you get
the money for that?

My ring fund.

You have a ring fund?

Yeah, I've been saving
since seventh grade.

Oh, that is so cute. Heh.

I'm just sorry
I missed your sweet 16.

So where you gonna
give it to her, huh?

I got it all figured out.
I'm gonna do it tonight.

It's the anniversary
of our first kiss.

Wait a second, you know

the anniversary
of your first kiss?

I thought only women
knew stuff like that.

That is such a stereotype.

Look, I asked her to marry me
in a stupid elevator.

I want tonight to be perfect.
Mm-hm.

Elegant restaurant,
orchestra playing.

You know, it'll be a great story
to tell the kids someday.

You know, like when Dad proposed
to Mom on the beach there

before he went off to the Army.

( chuckles )

Yes, I think you're old enough
to know the truth now.

There was no big,
romantic proposal

on the beach, my friend.

In fact, I think
dad's exact words were,

"You're pregnant?
How'd that happen?"

Wha-- Wait a minute. What are
you telling me? I was--

That's right.
There was no Joe fund.

Come in, Roy, I'm
in the building. Morning.

Hey, Lowell. Hey, Lowell.

Lowell, check it out.

Helen's engagement ring.

What do you think there?

Hmm, let's just take a look.

Ah, M color, I2 clarity.

Slight flaw on the girdle, mmm.

What a clever inscription:
"To my darling Melen."

What?

Oh, I don't believe it.

Melen? What a cute nickname.

You know,
come to think of it,

she does kind of have
a melon for a head.

I mean,
she's a lovely girl and all,

and you gotta be happy that
she's not too self-conscious

about that melon head.

Lowell, listen, uh,
you gotta do me a big favor.

Go down to, uh, Sterling's,

tell 'em to fix
that inscription.

And I need it by 8. Okay?

And listen,
it's a big surprise,

so don't say anything,
all right?

Joe, give me a little credit.

Morning, Lowell.
Good morning, Melen.

Mmm, now, listen, Helen,

do not make any plans
for tonight.

I made reservations for us
at Lexington's.

Lexington's?
Mm-hm.

What's the occasion?
Oh, there's no occasion.

I just think the woman I'm gonna
marry deserves the very best.

And since she's
not getting that,

the least you can do
is pop for a dinner.

Uh, n-now, tell me,
dear, um,

how are you doing
about Alex?

Fine.
No, really.

No, really, I'm fine.
No, really.

All right, Fay,
I'll tell you.

Really, I am miserable.
I am crushed.

In fact, I'm gonna go right up
to the control tower,

I'm gonna hang myself
from the windsock.

Now, Brian,
that's crazy talk.

That windsock couldn't hold
more than 100 pounds.

Helen?
Yeah--

( woman laughs )
Casey?

Uh-huh.

( laughs )
Casey. Hi!

Hi.
Hi. Hi.

Oh, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I came here to see you.

You came all the way
from California to see me?

Oh, come on, how often does
my baby sister get married?

So when do I get to meet
my future brother-in-law?

Where is this Davis Lynch?

Yeah, well, what happened was--
You must be so happy.

Now you can move to a real city,
you know,

and finally dump
this silly lunch counter.

Oh, look, we've switched
to the red Naugahyde. Heh.

Let me just tell you one thing--
Is that Joe Hackett over there?

CASEY:
Oh, yeah, figures he's still
on the island.

And probably married
the checkout girl

at the local Stop and Shop.

( laughs )

Oh, my gosh.

Um, you wanna hear something
really funny?

I-- I broke up with Davis,
and I'm marrying Joe.

Oh, heh, yeah.

It--

My God, you're serious.

Joe Hackett?
Yeah.

I couldn't
believe it either.

So you're Chappel's sister, huh?

The one with the rich husband.

The big house in San Francisco.

The fancy French underwear.

Uh, how-- How could you
possibly know that?

Security problem
with your luggage.

Roy.

Hey, Joe, look who's here.

Hi, Joe.

Casey. Hi.
CASEY:
Hi.

So, Joe, what have
you been up to lately?

Joe owns Sandpiper Airlines.

Oh, well, I'm impressed.

How many planes you have?
Well, right now just the one.

So maybe a more fitting name
would be Sandpiper Airplane.

( laughs )

( chuckles )

Now, Helen, I gotta tell you,
you look fantastic.

Oh.
You changed your hair.

Yeah, I did. Do you like it?

Uh-huh.
You hate it, don't you?

No, it's just, well--
I hate it too. It's just not me.

Um, Fay, I want you
to meet my sister, Casey.

Casey, this is Fay.
Oh, ha, ha, Casey.

Well, what an interesting name.
Is that short for something?

Cassandra.

Mom named me after a goddess
in Greek mythology.

Oh, so, uh, are you named
after Helen of Troy?

No, actually, I was named after
my lactose-intolerant aunt.

Uh, you know what's curious?

You don't have a southern accent
like Helen.

Well, I guess when you get out
in the world,

you kinda outgrow it.

Besides, I never really had
much of an accent.

Heh. Sure you did.

No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.

No, I didn't.
Yeah, you certainly did.

Drop it, okay?!

She's lovely.

So, Joe, whatever happened to
that little brother of yours?

He used to be such a brat.

Well, Casey,
like all the rest of us,

Brian has grown up now.

As a matter of fact,
he's my business partner.

BRIAN:
Hey, Joey, check out
this great water p*stol

I got out of lost and found.

It fires when you yell...

fire!

Fire! Fire!

Oh, my God, Casey Chappel!

How are you? My God!

Ha, well, I've been drier.

( laughs )

Uh, Casey, there's a towelette
behind my counter.

Oh, I-- I'd better get rid
of this thing.

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

JOE:
Well, it's the, uh,
same old Casey, huh?

She's not here two minutes,
she insults your hair,

your accent and my airplane.
Oh, that's no big deal.

She doesn't mean anything by it.
Like she's so perfect.

Well, she-- She is.
I mean, look at her.

She's perfect.
JOE: What, and, and you're not?

Come on, Helen,
don't do that to yourself.

You're not Casey Chappel's
fat little sister anymore.

I mean,
it's hard to forget.

I mean,
she was a prom queen.

I was...Dairy Queen.
Oh...

Just--
Just stop that, all right?

Listen to me. You--
You are every bit as beaut--

No. You are more beautiful
than Casey.

ANTONIO:
Helen, Helen,
who is that goddess?

She's-- She's just gorgeous,
she's stunning.

Venus in a damp blouse.

That's my sister.
No way.

All better.

Hi.

( mumbling incoherently )

( spitting )

Uh, An--
( snorts )

An-- Antonio,
this is Casey.

Hello.
( growls )

So listen, you two,
don't make any plans for tonight

because I am taking you both
out to dinner.

No. No, no, no.
Uh, Helen, tonight is special.

I know it's special.
My sister's here.

Well, let's go catch up.
Yeah.

CASEY: Um, Helen?
HELEN: Yes.

Where'd you get that eye shadow?
Oh, I'm washing it right off.

It's good to have you back.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( piano playing tranquil music )

I cannot believe
they're still not here.

And where is Lowell
with the ring?

I came here to give a ring
to a girl.

I got no ring and no girl.

Oh, look on the bright side.

I'm here.

The only reason you're here is
to help me get rid of Casey.

Now, you remember the plan?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The band plays
"Isn't It Romantic?",

I ask Casey for a dance

so you can be alone with Helen
and give her the ring.

Good. Where are they?

Hey, uh, Helen is never late.

I know this is Casey's fault.
Oh, st-- You don't know that.

Oh, come on,
she hasn't changed a bit.

She's still a snob.

Don't you remember
when we were kids?

She always treated us
like we were geeks.

We were geeks.

Like the guys she hung out with
were any better.

Oh, you mean, the Kennedys?

I am sorry
we're late.

I couldn't decide what to wear.
Oh, wow, you look beautiful.

Thank you. Well, thank Casey.

Oh, all I did was go through
her entire closet,

and then I said,
"Let's see what I brought."

( chuckles )

Good evening.

Hello.
Thank you.

Welcome to Lexington's.
Thanks.

Hey, aren't you
Brian Hackett?

I heard about Alex
leaving you.

How are you holding up?

Uh, fine, thank you.

Look, if you need to talk--
Listen, can we order, please?

Helen and I know what we want.
The Chateaubriand for two.

Ooh, that sounds good.
That's our favorite.

Oh, you're so lucky you don't
care about what you eat.

I'll have the, uh,
pasta primavera

with no oil,
no butter, no sauce.

Yes, that sounds good.
I'll have that instead.

Helen, they only make
Chateaubriand for two.

I'll share it with you.

WAITER:
Brian,

are you sure
you're up to eating?

I'm fine, thank you.

Hello, Joe, uh,
imagine running into you here.

Hi, Lowell.

Uh, Joe, I managed

to pick up
the fuel pump for you.

Uh,

I was able to get
the "Melen" out.

What?
Uh, it's a long story.

Uh, uh, forced landing,
fruit stand. It's, uh...

Smooth.

See you, guys.

Bye.
Bye.

Bye, Antonio.

( chuckles )

( band playing
"Isn't It Romantic?" )

Hey, listen,
they're playing, uh,

"Isn't It Romantic?".

Yeah?

( silverware clatters )
Oh!

Oh, God, yeah,
"Isn't It Romantic?"

Favorite song of mine.
Gotta dance when I hear it.

Would you--?
Would you care to dance with me?

Oh, no, thanks.
I don't feel like dancing.

Go on, Casey, dance with him.
She doesn't want to dance.

I'll dance with him.
Is your name Casey?

Brian said he wanted
to dance with Casey.

I think
we should see Casey dance.

Maybe you should just get
your six-sh**t out

and fire at her feet.
CASEY: Oh.

Okay, okay, I'll dance.

Huh? Ha, ha, ha. Come on.

Joe, are you okay?
Yeah. Uh, yeah, I'm fine.

Look, especially now
that we're alone.

Helen...

my life began the moment
you said you'd marry me.

Joe, that's so sweet.

You've made me happier
than I ever thought I could be.

CASEY:
Ow! Oh!

Ah.
You okay?

Yeah,

it's nothing.

Brian just stomped
on my toe.

BRIAN:
I'm sorry, but, uh,

I got distracted when the band
leader asked me about Alex.

Brian, why don't you, uh,
take Casey home,

get some ice on her toe?

Oh, don't worry.
I'm fine.

Are you sure?
Yes.

And I am not going to ruin
this night by leaving.

Besides, I have a little
surprise for you two.

Now, I know that you're
just starting out,

probably a little strapped
for cash, so--

Oh, what the heck,
here it is.

Oh, my gosh.
It's a diamond ring.

Now, that's
a fuel pump.

Casey, I don't know
what to say.

Oh, it's only
my old starter ring,

but I know how you've
always admired it, so...

It's really beautiful,
but I really couldn't.

Yeah, you could.
Okay.

We-- We-- We can't accept it.
Yes, we can.

And we could do it
a little more graciously.

Listen, you really don't
want this ring.

Uh, I do.
No, take-- Take it off.

Joe.
Don't make me use
the butter.

What is the matter with you?

She-- She has no right
to give you that.

What are you talking about?
See what she's trying to do?

She's trying to make me look
like an idiot.

No, honey, you're doing that
all by yourself.

JOE:
Look, uh, Helen,
as your future husband,

I demand that you give her
back that ring.

HELEN:
You demand?

He demands.
Maybe I should go.

Maybe we should go.
No, don't--

All right, Helen,
I can explain--

( sighs )

I just saw what happened
with Helen.

Look, if you need to talk--

BOTH:
Get out of here.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( knocking on door )

( knocking continues )
Just a second.

What?
Look, Helen, about the ring.

I can explain, I--
No, you can't.

I know you don't
care for Casey,

but there's nothing
that you can say

to excuse your behavior tonight.
All right, you want an excuse?

Here it is.

My life began the moment
you said you'd marry me.

You've made me happier than
I ever thought I could be.

Please, take this damn ring
as a symbol of my love.

Joe.

That's what this evening
was about?

You planned it
so that you--?

Oh, I love you.

Yeah, well, I'm still mad.

Getting less mad.

Less mad. Mmm.

Mmm, feeling good. Mmm.

Mmm, listen, Helen,

I-I would have given you
the ring on another night,

but I knew how much you'd
want it on our anniversary.

Our anniversary?

Yeah, of our first kiss.

It is?

I thought only women
remember that stuff.

That is such a stereotype.

Come here.

I don't wanna ever fight again.

I don't even know
who started it.

Casey started it.

What?
Nothing.

What'd you say?
( sighs )

Look, uh, you know,

I just think she shouldn't
have given you that ring

without checking
with me first.

Yeah, I know, but she didn't
mean anything by it.

Why are you making
excuses for her?

She's been all over you
since she got here.

She ruined our night.
But what am I gonna do now?

Stand up to her.

I will. Someday.

But right now
I need to bring her

her tea before it gets cold.

Helen, look, enough.
Enough with Casey.

This is our night.

I have a bottle of champagne
at home on ice.

HELEN:
That sounds so much better.

Helen, where do you keep
the better linens?

Oh, sorry.
No, a-actually, come on down.

Uh, I wanted to talk
to you anyway.

Um, this ring is
so beautiful.

Thank you so much,
but I can't accept it.

Why?

Because Joe gave me
this engagement ring.

Oh. Heh.

My, what a practical choice.

Uh, what's that supposed
to mean?

Nothing.

It'll be
your very own Hope Diamond,

just hold it up
and hope people can see it.

Let her rip.

You know...

ever since you came here,

you've been making these
little comments about my hair,

about my accent,

about my fiancé
and his tiny little ring.

Hey.

I'm sorry,
honey, I love it.

Maybe I don't have
the perfect life

or the perfect house
or the perfect one-carat ring--

Uh, two carats.
Two carats?

Helen...
Oh, I'm giving it back.

Oh, you know, I think
you're being ridiculous.

HELEN:
Well, maybe I am,

but you know what?

I don't care.

Maybe I don't have
the perfect life,

but it's my life.

And I think
it's pretty damn good.

I'm sick and tired

of your little
backhanded comments

and your putdowns.

I'm not your fat
little sister,

and I'm not gonna take it
from you anymore.

You finished?

Am I finished?

Yes, I am.
Let's go, Joe.

Well, then, heh...

( crying ):
...good night.

Casey...

Let's just let her digest that.

Casey, I-- I didn't mean--
Stuart left me.

What?

Would you like to hear
how perfect my life is?

( chuckles )

Well, a couple months ago
Stuart said,

"Let's sell everything,

buy a boat and sail
around the world."

I should have known
something was wrong

because he hates the water.

Once we went to one
of those cheap adult motels

to try to revive
our "sex life,"

and Stuart got seasick
on the waterbed.

There went my chance of having
an orgasm that year.

Hey, hey, hey.

You know, at first I told him
I can't just sail off.

I have responsibilities.

I was in charge
of the fajita bar

at my golf club's annual "Let's
Get Teed-Off at Hunger Day."

You know,
but then I thought...

why not sail off?

People will think
I'm interesting.

Oh.

On the morning
we were supposed to leave,

Stuart said he wanted me to take
a picture of him at the helm,

so I stood on the dock
and suddenly he just...

shoved off.

Well, this is the last
that I ever saw of him.

He's waving goodbye.

That's the happiest-looking man
I've ever seen.

He took it all.

Now I have no home, no money.

No husband.

Oh, Casey.

You know what, Casey,
I--

I think that what you need
is really a good night's sleep,

so, uh, Helen and I will get out
of your hair and let you...

I can't leave her.

Joe, her husband just left her.

She's falling apart.

She's disgraced.
She's just humiliated.

Aren't you, honey?

In fact, you can stay here
as long as it takes

for you to get yourself back
together and on your feet again.

Uh, what kind of time frame
are we talking about here?

As-- As long as it takes.

Oh, Helen.

Oh, I don't know
what I would do without you.

I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, you don't be ridiculous.

You're my sister.

Joe, heh, you have been
so sweet and so understanding.

I...

What can I say?

It's no problem.
After all, we're almost family.

Well, thanks, you guys.

Oh, Helen, you're so lucky
to have a guy like Joe.

I know.

Really successful guys
end up leaving you.

Look, Casey, when we first met,

I was so overwhelmed
by your absolute beauty,

words escaped me.

So, please,
let's start all over.

Hello, I'm Antonio.

I'm honored to meet you.

I think you're ready
to talk to her.

Yes.

Hi, is Helen around?

( mumbles incoherently )