06x04 - The Spark and How to Get It

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Future graduates...

Future graduates...

Lowell.
What are you doing?

Well, actually, I've--

I've been asked to give
the commencement speech

at my alma mater, MIT.

Lowell, you did not go

to the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology.

Excuse me, Joe. MIT:

Murray's Institute of Tools.

All right, so tell me
what you think.

All right, "Future graduates,
esteemed colleagues,

"Murray...

"as you look back

"on your educational experience
here at MIT,

"I'm sure you'll
always remember it

as the finest two weeks
of your life."

( scoffs )

Bet if you'd gone
for another week

you could have been
Dr. Mather.

Dr. Mather.

( groans )

If only I'd had
the 59 bucks.

( upbeat theme playing )

I am so glad
you guys are here.

I'm in big
trouble and I--

I don't know
who to turn to.

I need $200.

Oh, God, Casey,
what's wrong?

I gotta get
my hair done.

That's your big emergency?

Your roots are showing?

Helen, you know me.

I hate to ask for money.

Then the last couple of weeks

must have been
pure hell for you.

Come on,
you understand.

You're my sister.

I mean, I was lucky enough
to get an appointment

at the Licari Salon
in New York.

Please. Are you telling me
there's not a salon

good enough for you
here on Nantucket?

No. I just can't bring myself

to go to a place called
Yankee Doodle Scissors.

Look, Casey, you are gonna
have to face reality.

There's nothing wrong
with being an ordinary person

and getting an ordinary,
plain haircut.

Just ask Helen who she u-ses.

Sometimes don't you just wish
you could just suck the words

right back
into your mouth?

Look. Casey, you don't need
to spend all that money.

You can go down
to the place that I go.

Where's that?
Yankee Doodle Scissors.

God help me,
but I'm off

to get my
Yankee Doodle 'do.

I can't stop smiling.
You wanna know why?

You found loose change
in the passenger seats again?

Yes, but that's not
the only reason.

Just had an incredible
therapy session this morning.

Dr. Greyson says that
I'm completely over Alex,

and I'm ready to
start dating again.

Huh? Ha-ha.

That's it? Nothing?

( scoffs )

Dr. Greyson gave me a hug.

For a hundred bucks an hour,
I'll give you a hickey.

Hey, Brian.

Hey, hey, Joanie-Joan.
Where have you been?

You haven't taken
my flight lately.

Okay. Can you keep
a secret?

I have been living
in the Biosphere.

Oh. Well, then that would
explain the pasty look.

Uh, jab. What are you reading--?

Oh, the new John Irving
book, huh?

Yeah, I just finished it.
You wanna borrow it?

That'd be great.
But, uh, I have to warn you.

I'm not very good
at returning things.

Well, neither am I.

Actually, I think
that's a friend's.

I'll see you
on the plane.

Okey-dokey.

Hey, Fay,
is, uh...

Joe scheduled to take
the last flight today?

Yes. Why?

Well, it's chicks-drink-free
night at The Club Car. Heh.

Brian, why do you feel you need

to skank around The Club Car?

Why don't you take
that nice Joan out?

Joan? Yeah,
you know, she's--

She's okay, but--

I don't know, there's no--
There's no spark.

Oh, what do you mean,
"there's no spark"?

Spark. Spark. The thing
that makes you wanna--

How do I put this?

--oil her up like a brand-new
catcher's mitt.

Well, o-okay then.
Go to your Club Car.

But I'm telling you,
the only thing you'll find there

is empty, shallow,
meaningless sex.

And men who don't
appreciate an older,

more experienced woman.

So. So, Brian...
you, um--

You-- You gonna go to
The Club Car tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah, great.
Great.

Look, um...

how about if, uh,
we go together?

'Cause, uh...when
I go alone...

Yeah?

...I always strike out.

Well, by all means, let's--

Let's pool those
resources, huh?
( chuckles )

No, seriously, I'm--

Uh, it's my first
night out, you know,

and I think it'd be better
if I just went by myself, okay?

Brian, there's--
There's something you're--

You're not telling me.
Isn't there?

I can take it.

Huh.

Okay.

Antonio...the fact is

that whenever
you're around women,

you act...desperate
and pathetic.

And that's why
they flee from you

like from a burning building.

You're mean.
Okay, all right.

Now, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, if you just promise
to play it a little cool,

I'll meet you there
at 8, all right?

Really? Really?

Don't you worry.

I'll be way cool.

Huh. Okay.

( upbeat theme playing )

( piano playing )

( exhales )

Antonio?

The dancing: stop it.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't we just, uh...

make like we're having
a normal conversation.

You know, laugh
a little.

Why?

Because then, uh,
it'll look like

we're tossing off
witty banter, you know?

( laughs )

Hey, good one, huh?

( laughs ):
I got a million of them.

Yeah.

Uh, Brian. Brian, uh...
What?

Take-- Take--
Take a look here.

Oh-oh.

Yeah, she's
a spark.

Tell you what.
Tell you what we'll do.

We'll employ the old, uh,
good cop, bad cop.

Never fails.

Oh. Of course.

Why didn't I think of that?

What is it?

Well you, bad cop,
will go over

and give her some really
obnoxious pick-up line, right?

Then I, the good cop,
will rescue her.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

And then, uh,
Antonio ends up

in bed with her how?

Uh, you don't.

Uh, you know, Brian,

i-in my country
there is an old saying:

Il mio amico,
muccia ca me.

Which means?
"Bite me."

All right.

All right.

I'll bad cop
for you later, okay?

( sighs ):
Okay, okay.

I'll do it.

Uh...what--
What do I say to her?

Oh, hell,
I don't know.

Hey-- Use that line
that Roy always uses.

Ai. Okay.

Hello, there.

Hi.
Hi, hi. Hi.

Look, that-- That is such
a pretty dress.

Oh, thanks.

It'll look great
in a ball

next to my bed
in the morning.

( groans )

You pig!

Uh, excuse me,
miss.

Uh, is this guy
bothering you?

Yes.

What the hell
is wrong with you,

you pathetic
little scuzzball?

Take it easy.

Shut up!

Get out of my sight,
you lowlife.

Guys like you
make me sick.

You better bad-cop me
later, flyboy.

Well...
Thanks.

Ah, it's no problem.

Look, um, if he
bugs you anymore,

just give a shout.

Well, wait. Uh,
where are you going?

( clears throat )

Heh.

I heard what you said
to that girl.

Oh. Oh-ho, no.

Uh, y--
You don't understand.

See? We--

It was just the good cop
and the bad cop.

Mm-hm.
See, it was
my friend's idea.

I don't care whose idea it was,
get out of here.

No, you don't
understand.

Come on!

Brian!

Brian. B--

So how come I haven't
seen you around here before?

Uh, well, I've been living
in the Biosphere.

Oh.

Uh, i-is that near Disney World?

No, the Biosphere is the, uh--

The-- The hydroponic, uh--

Forget it.

( both laugh )

Uh, what's your name?

Lisa.
Lisa.

Oh, oh, but next week
I'm changing it

to Sri Lisaji
when I convert to Hinduism.

Wow, you're-- You're converting?
What are you now?

Well, I'm the shampoo girl
down at Yankee Doodle Scissors.

( sighs )

Look, uh, I'll be
right back, okay?

Don't go nowhere.

( water
pouring )

BARTENDER:
Hey, Brian.

What are you
doing here?

I heard you were
practically married.

Oh. You kidding me?

Be doing this
when I'm 60.

MAN:
Hey, cookie!

I'm Brian,
and you are gorgeous.

What say I buy you
a little drink, huh?

Okay. It's okay.

The more you drink,
the better I look, huh?

( laughs )

Hey, there, sugar bumps.

You, uh...

wanna dance?

There's no music.
That's okay.

I got the music in me!

Huh?

Good. Keep it there.

( chuckling ):
Ooh. Whew!

Beer tender, mein usual.

( clicks tongue )

Hoo-aah!

LISA:
Brian?

Brian.

Are you still
here?

Huh?
Huh?

Hi!

Hi, hi.
Hi.

Uh...you know what, I--
I-I gotta go.

Gotta go.

Well, where are
you going?

Well, I just got a call
from the Biosphere.

Bed check in an hour.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Lowell.

How's your commencement
speech coming along?

Well, uh,
you know,

I'm just putting
the final touches on it.

But tell me what you think.

"So, in conclusion,
fellow Murray graduates,

"always be proud
of your calling.

"For what brought down
the Berlin Wall?

"Détente? No.

"Collapse of
the Eastern Bloc?

"I think not.

"In the end, it was
just a bunch of guys

with really big hammers."

That's a unique insight, dear.

Hey. Why do you think
I graduated Murray cum "loud"?

Hi.

Holy cow.
Your hair is--

( laughing ):
Don't you just love it?

Oh, Casey.

You know...um...

( stutters )

Um, y--
You know, the little--

It's-- And sort of--

It's just really bad.
Oh.

I know.

I know.

I feel like suing
that awful place.

Well, why don't you
just head on down

to Yankee Doodle Lawyers?

Um...

( sighs )

Casey, I--
I'm really sorry.

I can't believe my salon
did that to you.

Heh. They didn't.

I was on my way to your place
when I passed this

classy-looking
little French salon.

Bevo's.

I don't remember
a place named Bevo's

on the island.

Wait a second.

Y-you don't mean Bevo's.

You mean my cousin Bevo's.

Hey. What an American
success story.

I mean, today
he owns a beauty salon,

yesterday he was shaving
dogs and cats for surgery.

( gasps )

Oh.

I went to a dog
groomer. Oh.

Oh, there, there, Casey.
It's not so bad.

Is there something
we can get for you?

Water?

Aspirin?

Snausage?

Oh, my God!

Oh, um--

Look here's, um,
40 more dollars.

You go down to
Yankee Doodle's this time

and get it fixed.

Two months ago I had
a beautiful home on Nob Hill.

I was on the board
of the San Francisco Opera.

At our annual
dinner dance,

I even handed
Plácido Domingo

a quiche puff.

And now look at me.

I'm a Lhasa apso.

Whoever did this to you...

I will k*ll them.

( wails )

Ah.

Brian, there you are.
There you are.

Listen, um-- I--

I did the bad cop
for you last night,

so tonight you bad-cop
for me, right?

Let me tell you
something, Antonio.

I'm just sick and tired

of all these little
bar games I'm playing,

so I'll just have to
take a pass.

Wait. No, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no. No, see--

See, the game is
"good cop, bad cop," see.

Not "good cop,
off-duty cop."

I'm sorry, Antonio.

Hey. You're sorry?

Yeah, you go home
with a beautiful blond,

I get head-butted
by a bouncer.

All right, if it makes you
feel any better,

I didn't go home with her.

Oh. That makes me
feel better.

Yeah, a-a-a large man made me
cry like a girl for nothing.

Wait. Hey,
wait, wait, wait.

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

You had a hot blond
all set to go,

and you passed?

I know. I know.
I can't figure it out.

I mean,
why would I turn down

a beautiful woman
like that?

I have no idea.

But stop undressing me
with your eyes.

Hey, Brian.
Oh, hey, Joan.

I got you something.

Oh, wow!
The new X-Men comic.

Uh, no.

Actually, that's for
my 8-year-old nephew.

Nah, go ahead,
take it.

He's too old
for it anyway.

Ha.

Brian...

she likes you.

Why don't you
take her out?

Uh, I don't know.

Hey, I've always
thought

y'all would be
great together.

Would you give
the guy a break?

He already knows
there's no spark.

Spark.

See. Now, that is
the difference

between men
and women.

It's just like
they say.

Men fall in love
with the women

that they're
attracted to.

Where women are attracted
to the men that they love.

Where have I
heard that before?

Oh, yeah.

I read it on the back
of a box of condoms.

Brian...what I'm
trying to say is...

when a woman
meets a guy,

she could feel no
attraction whatsoever.

In fact, she can be
completely turned off.

But in time,
a spark can grow.

I mean, look what happened
with Joe and me.

Wha-- What do you mean,
"turned off"?

You telling me
that you didn't have

a spark for me at first?

Well, did you have
a spark for me?

Oh, come on, Helen.
You were a fat 11 year old.

The only sparks were
flying off your silverware.

All I am
saying is--

Is you have to
give it a chance.

Go out with her.
You know, see what happens.

Maybe you can
grow a spark.
(Brian sighs )

Well, I-- I hear
what you're saying

about Joan and all,
but I-I--

I just don't think so.

Uh, listen, Brian.

Look, uh, I-I-I'm gonna
swallow my pride

a-and give you
one more--

One more sh*t.

Okay. What do
you say?

Tonight, you and me,
The Club Car.

It'll be great.

Look...I even got us
matching shades.

Joan!

Joan!

( lively theme playing )

Let's see.
Yes?

A movie that I'm
really ashamed I liked.

Right, go.

Uh, Billy Jack
Goes to Washington?

( groans )
( laughs )

Wow.
Okay, your turn.

Okay. Well, it's--

It's gonna be
pretty hard to top. Um...

( claps hands )

I w-- I would
have to say Mandingo.

Mandingo, starring, uh,

former heavyweight champ
Ken Norton.

Although he was
fantastic in Yentl.

( laughs )

Wow, you're-- You're the only
woman who ever laughed at that.

Maybe you've been hanging
around the wrong women.

Tsk. Maybe I have.

Brian, I'm really glad
we did this.

Me too.

Ha.

Good night.
Good night.

Absolutely sparkless.

( lively theme playing )

Hey-hey, Mather. How'd
that commencement speech go?

Well, um, they tell me
it went pretty good,

but quite honestly
I don't remember.

Why not?

Well, I forgot
the old school tradition.

When Murray says,
"Congratulations, graduates,"

they all throw their hammers
up in the air.

Why am I not surprised?

( chuckles )

You sure you're okay, Mather?

No, I-I feel fine.

Well, listen, um,
you seem to know my name.

I-- I don't
know yours.

Well, let's keep it
that way.

Hi, Lowell.

Hey, Roy.

Hi.
Hey.

So you went out
with Joan again.

How was it?
Ah. It was great.

I haven't had that much fun
with a woman in years.

You know? She makes me laugh.

When we're together,
time flies.

I tell you, Joe,
she is one in a million.

Still no spark, huh?

Not a flicker.

( sighs )

And it's a shame too,

because I'll tell you,

on paper we are
perfect for each other.

Now...

just gonna have to
break it off.

Well, that shouldn't
really be a problem.

Just, uh...

give her
excuse number nine.

No. I don't wanna
do that to Joan.

I wanna be completely
honest with her.

I thought number nine
was honesty.

No, 11's honesty.

Nine has something to do with
that flesh-eating bacteria.

Oh, hey, Brian.
BRIAN: Hey.

How'd it go with
Joan last night?

Great. Fantastic.
Couldn't have been better.

Gonna dump her, aren't you?

How does she know?

She's a witch.

Tsk. Brian, I'm
telling you.

You're giving up too soon.

You gotta give it
a little more time.

Hey, I did.

I gave it two dates.

I even met her parents.

Tiny spark
with the mother, but, uh--

What am I supposed to do?

Well...uh,
trust me,

two dates
is not enough.

And if I would've given
your brother here

only two dates,

I would've dropped him
after I saw him fast dance.

Uh, naw, what the hell?

Give it one more date.

Uh, listen, there's
a phone call out here.

Which one of you
is Helen?

( lively theme playing )

( piano playing )

Right. Uh, are you sure
you're up to this, Lowell?

Oh. Absolutely.
Antonio, right?

Right.

Look. You-- You remember
what to do,

or do you want me
to explain it all again?

No, no. No.
No, no, no, no.

I got it.

I'm bad cop.

Exactly. Exactly.

Ooh. Ooh. There's a
good one.

Okay. Now. You know
what to say.

Yeah.
No, I got you.

I got you.

( sighs )

Hi.

Hi.
Hi. Yeah.

That's a really
pretty outfit.

Well, thank you.

It's gonna look really great

in a ball next to my bed
in the morning.

( laughs )

You know, I like a man
who's direct.

Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me, miss.

I-is this man
bothering you?

Not at all.

Of course he is.

Look, you pathetic
little scuzzball.

What are you--?
What are you--?
Shut up!

The lady wants no part...

Hey!

He's not bothering me.
You are.

Is there
a problem he--?

Oh, no.

Not you again!
God.

Look. Look, I-I--

I know what
you're thinking.

No, look.
See, heh, you don't under--

Tonight I'm the good cop.
Come on.

Come on, I told you
yesterday

I don't wanna see you
around here.
No!

( lively theme playing )

All right.

Thanks a lot
for dinner, Brian.

Hey, it was
my pleasure. Hm.

This has been great.

Listen...

if you're not doing
anything on Sunday...

my mom's having
a dinner party.

And I know she'd just love it
if you could be there.

Really? Your mom?

Uh...

No, I-- I--

( sighs )
I can't.

Joan...

I really like you...but...

Uh-oh.

You're breaking up
with me, aren't you?

Yeah, see, but I-I--

I just don't feel that there's--

I don't know how to put this
without hurting your feelings.

I-- I just don't feel

like there's any...

spark.

Well-- I guess
I'm really disappointed

to hear that, Brian.

I thought we had
something.

I know. I'm sorry.

Well, at least
you're honest.

Good night.
Okay.

Good night.
Bye.

Wow!
Wow!

Yeah.

You know, you're
absolutely right.

There is no spark at all.
Well, good night.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

But-- But--
( door closes )

No, no, no, no, no.
But-- But, uh-- Um...

Um...

Oh, hello there, cookie.

Hey.

I know what you're thinking.

How come this guy
is still single?

Well, I'll tell you
the God's-honest truth:

'Cause I've been waiting
for you, babycakes.

Say, uh...

it's nearly 4:30.

What do you say
you and I split a--

An early-bird dinner,
huh? Heh.

Go to my house
for some demitasse.

Hey. Where
you going?

Nice caboose.

( chuckles )