06x05 - The Waxman Cometh

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, morning, Antonio.

It's a great day,
isn't it?

Not for William Saunders,
96,

who d*ed suddenly in his sleep.

Oh, man, you're reading
the obituaries?

Joe, I'm a cabby.

It's good for business.

Look, see, look,

"Services will be held 3:00 at
the Lutheran chapel."

Well, people walking
to his funeral

ain't gonna bring him back.

Look at this, "He's survived
by six children,

"27 grandchildren,

all residing
in the Boston area."

Hm, these people are gonna have
to get to the island somehow.

Maybe I, ah, ought to add on
a couple extra flights.

Guess you're right, Antonio,
life goes on.

Not for local merchant,
Lloyd McCauley.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Joe, Brian,

you guys mind if I leave
an hour early today?

Why, what's going on?

Well, you know, don't make
a big fuss,

but today I-I turn
31 and a half.

Boy, you must be getting
nervous, huh?

One step closer to the big
4-0 and a half.

Yep.

Uh, anyway, it's, you know--

It's kind of a corny
Mather family tradition,

but, you know when you turn
31 and a half

they give you
this dinky little party

and they make you wear
this silly little hat

and they give
this dumb old check

for $25,000.

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

God, if only I'd been born
a Mather.

That's something you don't hear
every day.

Lowell, uh, where did your
family get that kind of money?

Um, from the Mather
family trust.

Wait, there's
a Mather family trust?

Of course.

It was set up in the '20s

by my great-grandfather,
Snookie Mather, see.

Apparently made quite a fortune
in the crash of '29.

Wait a minute, I thought
everyone lost money

when the stock market crashed.

No, I'm talking about when Joe
Kennedy crashed his Dusenberg

into Snookie's ice truck.

He took one look at the damage
he had caused to Snookie's head

and gave him a hundred grand.

Little did he know
that Snookie was born

with that pushed-in face.

Lowell, uh, you know,

$25,000 is a lot of money,

so if you'd like any investment
advice I'd be glad to help.

Aw, you know,
I would appreciate that, Joe,

because when it comes to money
I'm a babe in the woods.

All right.
Well, I think what you should--

I mean, what with the Fed
pushing the interest rate up,

you know, the bond market
has hit rock bottom.

You know, and the T-bill, it's
a 4 and a half percent yield

on a 12-month commitment.
I mean,

you know, that's a sucker move.

So whatever you've got
to tell me I'm open for it.

Go on, Joe, give him
your big advice.

Well, I was, uh--

Was going to tell him
to open a savings account.

Make sure they stamp
your passbook.

Okay, Lowell, Lowell, look,
look, look.

With your money
and my connections,

we could make a fortune.

Well, what are you
talking about?

I'm gonna let you
in on the investment opportunity

of a lifetime.
Are you ready?

Your very own French fry
vending machine.

"Tater Time."

You gotta stop reading those
fliers on the windshields.

Oh, really? How do you think
I found my gastroenterologist?

Mather, listen to me.

I'm gonna let you in
on a sure thing.

It is guaranteed
to double your money.

A friend of mine
is making a flick.

The only expense is a camcorder,

some guy on steroids
and a couple of naked bimbos.

No costumes, no sets,

the whole thing takes place
in the woods.

Hm, sounds interesting.
What's it called?

"Forrest Hump."

Lowell,

don't listen to anybody.
Especially, Joe.

Hey, passbook savings might
not be "sexy" but it's safe.

You know, listen, I appreciate
everybody's good advice,

except that fry thing,
that's a loser.

Uh, but you know, I mean,

I really got to make up
my own mind.

I mean, I'm a big boy now.

I am 31 and a half.

JOE:
Lowell, Lowell,

where are you going?

Uh, to clear my mind.

Shouldn't take long.

One good sneeze
ought to do it.

( upbeat theme playing )

Did you read
about that village in Peru

where they live
to be almost 90?

Hm?

Nothing.

Oh, wow.

Bruins got
a new defenseman.

Huh?

Nothing.

Well, I've got to get
back to work.

Us having lunch together
was a great idea.

Yeah, it really gave us
a chance to talk.

Oh, Lowell, I hear you're
looking for investments.

Well, I have an idea
that's a gold mine.

What's the one thing on this
island that everyone wants

and no one can get?

You want me to open
a whorehouse?

No.

I'm talking about something
that's going to wipe

Mrs. Field's cookies
off the map.

Aunt Fay's Frozen Falafels.

Congratulations, Fay.

You've come up with something to
make me reconsider "Tater Time."

Listen, it's too late.

I've already invested the money.

Oh.

I went to the place where I go
to wrestle with a problem

and occasionally to pray.

The old wax museum.

We have a wax museum?

I've never seen it.

And as a cab driver I know every
square inch of this island.

I remember that place. Right
next to the old whaling village.

We have a whaling village?

Oh, I hadn't thought about
the wax museum in years.

I'm surprised that place
is still open.

Oh, it sure is.

And I ought to know,
I'm the proud new owner.

Oh! You bought it?

Oh no, no, Lowell, you--
You put all your money

into the wax museum?

I know. I can hardly
believe it myself.

I mean, let's face it,

a wax museum is practically
a license to print money.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh.
Wow.

This is worse
than I thought.

What was Lowell thinking,
putting his money

into this decrepit
wax museum?

Oh, hey, look at this,
look at this.

Yep, Mayberry's deputy,
Barney Fife, huh?

And German chancellor
Otto Von Bismark.

I don't remember
a Von Bismark in Mayberry.

Sure you do,
he was Goober's friend.

Goober's friend.

Boy, I tell you,

this place really brings back
some memories.

What do you mean?
Are you kidding, Joe?

This was the primo make-out spot
in Sconset High.

You were not cool unless you
scored in the Bonanza display.

So, what you're saying is that
you like to have sex

while wax figures watch you.

Well, when you put it that way,

it can make anything
sound strange.

Maybe you were like that
in high school,

but not everyone was
as warped as you.
Well...

Boy, does this place
bring back memories, huh?

You used to come here?

It's so creepy and scuzzy.

Well, I came here
during it's heyday

when it was just
tacky and cheesy.

Okay, now look, what are we
going to tell Lowell?
Ugh.

Well, if he asks,
we just tell him the truth.

He's a big boy.

Hey, you guys.

So, what do you think?

Fabulous.
It is so nice.

Fantastic.
Great.

Listen, I-I want to show you
guys around.

Come on over here.

Now, the first stop on our tour
is the Great Hall of Presidents.

Isn't it amazing
how lifelike they are?

Lowell, Lincoln
only has one arm.

See, that's the great thing
about wax museums.

They're fun and educational.

Okay, let's step
right over here.

Come and listen to a story

'bout a man named Jed.

Wait, wait,
uh, where is Jed?

Oh. Well, you know, Gus,
the former owner,

was apparently quite a gambler.

He, uh, lost Jed
in a poker game.

So, uh, where's Elly Mae?

Did I happen to mention that Gus
was also a widower?

Hey, hey, hey, look, look, look,
Colonel Sanders, man.

I have always wanted to do this.

Ah!

No, no, this is Gilbert,
our tour guide.

Can you believe it,

I, Lowell Mather,
have my very own employee.

And you know Joe, I'm going to
follow your fine example.

I'm going to be a kinder,
gentler leader.

Hup two, Peppy!
Tour time!

Welcome to the House O' Wax.

( clears throat )

Welcome to Lowell Mather's
House O' Wax.

Your gateway to experiences

unparalleled on Earth.

If I seem to be moving a little
slow, it's because of an injury

I got during
the Second World w*r.

Quit rambling!
Get on with the tour!

Yes, sir.

Our magical trip through time

begins with Old Honest Abe.

What do you say
for yourself, Abe?

Four score
and several years ago,

our fathers brought forth
to this coun--

Damn! Another fuse!

Wouldn't you know
it would happen

when the place is packed?

Uh, listen, I'm--
I'm gonna go fix it.

Uh, the tour's not gonna give
itself, Gilbo.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I walked 16 miles
to school.

Gilbert, just relax.

Oh, thank you.

This job is
a real pressure cooker.

Say, will you just do
something for me?

Will you just say,
"Finger-lickin' good"?

Just say it.

Gilbert, let me ask you
a question.

On an average day, about how
many people show up here?

Well, uh, seeing
all you folks here

kind of puts me in mind

of the Great Christmas Rush
of '57.

This place is
a complete disaster.

Oh, look, I'm sorry, Lowell.

No, it's all right, Joe.

You know what, this place
is a disaster.

And that's why I'm gonna put
every penny I have

into restoring the House O' Wax
to it's former glory.

Listen, I want to thank you,
my dear friends,

for coming down here
and showing your support.

Gilbert, collect
three bucks a head.

( upbeat theme playing )

Helen, what are you wearing
tonight?

Wearing?
To what?

To the opening.

Of the wax museum?

I wanted to check and make sure
we don't wear similar gowns.

That would be quite
the faux pas.

It's a wax museum.

I know.
But it's also an opening

and my first chance to get out
into the social scene.

We're talking wax.

Don't take this from me,
it's all I've got.

Uh, Casey, you know,
you're right.

Who knows? Maybe you'll meet
the man of your dreams

at the wax museum.

Oh.

Uh, your attention please.

Flight 20 to Boston will be
boarding shortly.

And thank you for flying
Sandpiper Air.

The official airline of Lowell
Mather's House O' Wax.

The most exciting,

terrifying experience
of your life.

Well, uh, that would be
the museum, not your flight.

So Lowell hit you up too, huh?

You know, he put a wax figure
of the pope in my cab.

I don't know if it's helping him

but I haven't gotten
a ticket all week.

Have you seen Lowell? He hasn't
done the pre-flight check.

Oh, yeah, he's down
at his museum

getting ready for
the grand re-opening.

He's spending every waking
moment at that dumb place.

And we all know he's
going to lose his shirt.

No, no, we don't know that.

I mean, there are a lot of wax
museums that do very well.

That's right.
I love them.

On the other hand,
don't go by me.

I cried like a baby this morning

when I discovered
that whaling village.

Well, that's just not
good enough.

How hard can it possibly be to
fix Marsha Brady's head?

It's not like she's Jan.

Lowell--
Hold on a second.

Lowell, we have a flight
in ten minutes.

You have not done
the pre-flight.

Aw, Joe, listen,
much too much importance

is placed on a pre-flight check.

I mean, all you really do

is make sure that the plane
is air-worthy.

It's largely a ceremonial thing.

Listen, I'm not gonna
ask you again:

bring me the head
of Marsha Brady.

Lowell.

All right.

I got a delivery for, uh,
Lowell Mather.

Oh, that's me. Yep.

Hey. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh.
Laurel and Hardy are here.

Heh. Heh. Man, I--

Now, wait a second.
I only see Laurel.

Where--? Where's Hardy?

W-where's--?
Where's Oliver Hardy?

ROY:
Mather!

Where the hell have you been?

I've got planes on that runway
need servicing.

What's everybody staring at?

Look Max, it's Laurel and Hardy.

Go stand next to them.

( upbeat theme playing )

Wow.
Ah.

Got to hand it to Lowell.

This place looks great.

Oh, look at this.

He has an American
history display.

Washington, Lincoln.

Hey, when was Ricardo Montalban
the president?

Wait a second,
something wrong here.

Where's Vice President Tattoo?

It must be getting late.

When are the crowds
gonna get here?

Oh, as soon as they tear this
place down and put up a Sizzler.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to Lowell Mather's
House O' Wax.

The happiest place on Earth.

Oh, no, Lowell, Disneyland is
the happiest place on Earth.

Oh. Well, the waxiest place
on Earth.

Everything looks
wonderful, Lowell.

And I'm sure there are gonna be
lots more people coming.

Yeah, of course there are, Fay.

I mean, you know how people are
at wax museum openings.

Everybody's got to be
fashionably late.

Nice tails, Lowell.

Thanks.

I got them off of Fred Astaire.

Uh, you mean Fred's
not wearing anything?

Um, I think I'll just
have a look around.

Listen, you guys feel free to,
uh, try the hors d'oeuvres.

They're over
on the Godfather's lap.

Thanks, Lowell.

Ah, look at this.

He's making us an offer
we can't refuse.

( as Marlon Brando ):
Spring rolls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm so sick and tired

of Italians being
stereotyped as mobsters.

As if-- As if that's the only
way an Italian man

can make a good living.
I mean, take my Uncle Carlo.

He has a palatial estate,
he's got vineyards,

a vacation villa, yachts.

Wow, what's he do?

He's a cobbler.

Oh, w--? When did you guys
get here?

About an hour--
Hour ago.

An hour ago?
What have you been doing?

We-- We-- We were--
We were--

Back there.

Is that hay
on your back?

You, uh, been making out in the
Bonanza display, haven't you?

Oh, just get your mind
out of the gutter.

Yep.

Hi, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Casey.

So why are we all standing
in the entrance here?

Let's join the party.

Well, this is the party.

This is it?

Are you the only people
who live on this island?

Well, at least it gave me an
occasion to get dressed up.

Hey, that is
some beautiful dress.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, it looks even better
on you than on Eva Gabor.

Oh, God.

She's got better jewelry.

When did you get here, Roy?

Oh, I've, uh--
I've been here a while.

I've been watching
the Bonanza exhibition.

No, uh, don't you mean
the display?

No, Fay, no.

I mean the exhibition.

So, uh, everybody having
a good time?

Yeah.
Great, Lowell.
Yeah.

Well you're all
a bunch of liars.

My grand re-opening's
a freakin' disaster!

Wow! What a turnout.

The glory days are back!

( upbeat theme playing )

I, uh-- I just saw Lowell
out there.

You did? How'd he look?

How would you look if you lost
25 grand in one week?

Well, I once had 15 Gs
riding on a hard eight

and the sh**t crapped out.

Apparently,
it drove her insane.

JOE:
Hey, hey, Lowell.
How are you doing, buddy?

Uh, you know how it is.

Look, Lowell, you're just gonna
have to try

to put this behind you.

Learn from your mistake.

You know,
you're absolutely right.

I have learned from my mistake.

My mistake was thinking
too small.

I'm re-opening next month,

and it's going to be
bigger and better than ever.

Lowell, wait, wait, hold it,
you can't be serious.

Give it up already.

Yeah, you'll be throwing
good money after bad.

Trust me, this is not
good money.

I'm borrowing it from a guy
named Knuckles.

But you know what?

I'm gonna get
all new wax figures.

I'm this close to getting
my hands on a Macaulay Culkin.

Lowell. Lowell.
Stop it.

It's gonna take more than a
Culkin to pull you out of this.

The wax museum does not work.
Stop putting money into it.

You're gonna be trying to dig
yourself out of this

for the rest of your life.

Well, I guess there goes the
Brian Hackett Hall of Freaks.

Well, dear, why don't you get
out of it while you still can?

S-- Like, you guys don't
understand.

I mean, some of the greatest
ideas in history

must have sounded
pretty weird at first.

I mean, people laughed
when the Wright brothers

said that they could fly.

And people laughed
at my cousin Bevo

when he said he could lick
his own eyeball.

Yeah. Yeah.

And-- And people laughed
at Bugsy Siegel

when he stood out there in the
middle of the Las Vegas desert

and said, "You know,
I'm gonna build a hotel here."

That worked out pretty well.

He was sh*t seven times
in the head.

I know.

Knuckles keeps reminding me.

Look, you guys,

I know it's pretty
far-fetched,

but I really-- I got to take
a sh*t at something bigger.

I've really got to try and make
something for myself.

I mean, you guys have Sandpiper.

You have something
to work towards.

And-- I mean, a dream.

The House O' Wax is--
It's a dream for me.

( phone rings )

Sandpiper Air.

Oh, my. Oh, Lowell.

There's been an accident
at the museum.

You'd better get down there
right away.

( mellow theme playing )

Oh. Oh.

Oh, look at this.

Ricardo.

Look, it's--
It's Deputy Fife.

Oh, man.

Do you believe this?

What's that smell?

What do you mean,
that burnt smell?

No, no, something else.

Something from my childhood.
Reminds me of, uh--

Blowing out candles
on a birthday cake.
That's it!

Oh, look.

Aw, it's still wet.

Ah, I love it when it dries
on your fingers.

Oh, no.

They got the Fonz!

Lowell, Lowell,
don't worry about it.

Man, don't worry.

You know what they say:

Ashes to ashes,

wax to wax.

Gilbert, what happened?

Uh, those new lights must have
overloaded the circuit.

Ironically,

it started
in the Dark Ages display.

Am I the only one to see
the humor?

I don't believe this.

Sorry, Lowell.
Yeah, we're sorry, buddy.

Hey, Lowell Mather may be down
but he's not out.

I will not let
the House O' Wax die.

I will rebuild.

I'll sell everything I own.
Work day and night.

Do whatever it takes to get
the job done.

With God is my witness,

I will not let this dream die.

I'm right behind you.

And you can do it
with the insurance money.

This place is insured?

Yeah, for full value.

I'm out clean!

I'm out clean! Whoopee.

Whoopee, whoopee!

( upbeat music playing )

Oh, come on, Roy.
Just come on, please.

Do it just once.
No, no this is stupid.

I'm not doing it.

Oh, come on, Roy, please.

Hackett, Hackett, read my lips:
I'm not doing it.

Forget it.
Let's get out of here.

He's not going to do it.

( upbeat theme playing )