06x06 - Is That a 10 Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Wings". Aired: April 19, 1990, to May 21, 1997.*
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Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.
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06x06 - Is That a 10 Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Post by bunniefuu »

( upbeat piano theme playing )

My, Antonio, you certainly
look different today.

Well, I--
I thought it was time

for a new image,
you know?

Something a little more
sophisticated.

What do you think?

You look like a tango instructor
on a cruise ship.

You-- You don't, uh--

Don't think I went
a little crazy

with the mousse?

You're doing this
for Casey, aren't you?

Well, yeah.
I-I mean--

I'm a little sick and tired
of her treating me

like-- Like I'm
totally invisible.

Sometimes I think,
you know, sh--

She wouldn't even notice me
if I was on fire.

Aw. No, I'm sure
you're exaggerating.

( scoffs )

( phone rings )

God, here she comes.

Ow.

Ow!

Ow. Ow!

Ow.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, when's the last time
we were alone?

Don't know.

How could we
let it go so long?

Don't know.

You think my sister's
gonna be okay by herself?

Don't care.

Me either.

On the other hand,
she's been acting

a little more
needy than usual.

When I left the house tonight,

she had her hands pressed up
against the window

like one of those
little Garfield dolls.

Helen. Look, your sister's
just pushing your buttons.

Now it's my turn.

Okay, so listen to this.

I'm supposed to have a date
with Karen tonight,

and at the last minute
she cancels. You know why?

She says she's
in a "car accident."

Brian, do you mind?

I mean, do you believe that?

Canceling at the last
minute like that.

How selfish can
one person be?

( sighs )

Would you get
the hell out of here?

No. No, no, not you.

No. I'm just
a little distracted.

Maybe tonight
wasn't meant to be.

Of course it was.
I even took a Breath Asure.

I-- I really wanna go home
and check on Casey.

I-I promise,
I'll make it up to you.

Oh, Helen, please don't go--
Helen, please don't g--

I'm actually kind of
glad she's gone.

I mean, since you and Helen
got engaged...

we don't-- We don't
talk anymore.

Well...then let's catch up.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Roy.
Hey.

You know, I-- I really
appreciate you

letting me off early
yesterday.

My-- My stomach's feeling
much better now.

Ha. That's the last time
I store the brake fluid

next to the Dr. Pepper.

Well...

the important thing is
you've stopped convulsing.

Listen. You know, I--

I'm not much good
with words, so, um, here.

What the hell is this?

Well...

it's a mug with my mug.

Huh. Well, wouldn't
you know it,

I guess I am
pretty good with words.

You got me this?

Mather, what in the world
is in your head?

Well, from now on,
hot beverages.

I don't know what
to say. Heh.

I'm touched.

I can't tell you
what this means to me.

I know.

Hm-hm.

( chuckles )

Hey.

On your next flight, dump that
in the ocean, would you?

Helen, I need to talk
to you in my office.

Now?

It's very important.

Joe, what is it?

What's wrong?
( door closes )

( chuckles ):
Wait.

Wait, what are you doing?

Making up for last night.

( giggles )

Joe, this is a place
of business.

I mean, people could be
listening outside.

Oh, it's so dangerous.

My life is one nightmare
after another.

( door closes )
Casey--

Casey, what is it now?

I ran out of my alpha-hydroxy
hydrating cream,

and not one cosmetic counter
on this island carries it.

You know, I can feel my skin
drying up as we speak.

Well, I can help.
How about if I

hold your head
underwater?

Now, now, Joe.
You're not a woman.

You don't understand
these things.

Thank you.

Now, all I need
is your credit card

so I can fly to Boston

and pick some up
at Neiman Marcus.

You get the bucket,
I'll get the hose.

Hey. Guess what.

Turns out Karen wasn't
making up an excuse after all.

She really was
in a car accident.

Isn't that great?

That's great. Brian, look,
we're in the middle--

Excuse me, I was talking about
something important here.

I'm out of hydrating
cream.

Anyway, Karen's
all healed up..

and, uh, she and I are
going out tonight,

so I need you to take the last
flight for me. What do you say?

Actually, Brian, Joe and I--
Come on, Joe, what do you say?

Excuse me, I was
here first.
Congratulations.

You know, you can't
just barge in here--

Uh, this is my office too.

Okay, would the two
of you shut up?

I can't believe...
( sighs )

...how selfish
you two are.

Did it ever occur to you
that when you barged in here

we might have been in the middle
of something important?

I'm sorry. What
were you doing?

Well, that's not
important.

The point is,
we spend

all our time
worrying about you two,

when we have other things
on our minds.

You mean, y--
You still--

Oh, give it a rest.

Yeah, well, maybe we have been
a little inconsiderate.

Maybe we should do
something for 'em.

I know.

Maybe we can throw 'em
a party or something.

No, better yet. A surprise
engagement party.

Ooh, very good. Very good.
Leave all the plans to me.

Uh, sure,
I can just see that.

A keg, a boom box, and one of
those 6-foot sandwiches.

Great, we're both
on the same page.

Except...

Brian Hackett always
springs for the 10-footer.

Yeah.

Hold it.

If there is one thing
I know how to do,

it is throw a party.

We'll get a suite
at the Harbor House.

We can go tonight and
pick out the perfect room.

And then we'll get
a case of champagne,

and I will have the chef at
Pastiche prepare all the food.

Hey. And the big sandwich.

We're not having
a big sandwich.

Tsk.

This is Nantucket.

It's not San Francisco.

We are a simple people.

We fish our waters.

We till our lands.

We eat a big sandwich.

Oh, Antonio,
how are you feeling?

Oh, uh, much better,
thank you.

You know, uh, when
a man's been on fire...

makes him take stock.

I-- I now realize
what a blind fool

I've been
over Casey.

Oh. Nobody thinks that.

Well, not everybody.

Well-- Well,
at least I don't.

Well, I do.
But, uh...

I-I certainly haven't
laughed behind your back.

Well, not lately.

Well, I'm through
chasing that woman.

Uh, Antonio Scarpacci
has come to his senses.

Oh, well,
good for you, dear.

Okay...so...

tonight, 7:30,
Harbor House.

Okay. And let's get the most
romantic room.
Okay.

Don't worry. You know,
I'm real glad we're doing this.

So am I.
Okay.

( upbeat theme playing )

Helen, hurry up.

Okay, Joe.

What do you think?

Who can think? All the blood
just left my brain.

That's good, because...

I like my men stupid.

Oh, Joe!
Joe, thank God.

Oh, good, Helen,
you're here too. Listen--

Antonio, what the hell
are you doing in my bedroom?

Listen, something terrible
has happened.

It's Brian and Casey.

Oh, my God.

Were they in an accident?

Worse. They're having sex.

Well, at least
somebody is.

Joe, please.

Antonio?

Well, I was driving
by the Harbor House.

I saw Brian and Casey
go inside.

Brian got a key
from the front desk

and took Casey to Room 412.

And you saw all that
from your cab?

No, don't be ridiculous.

No, by then I was hiding
under a room-service cart.

And I would have seen more too,

but just then I was
wheeled into Room 413,

where I had to watch a fat,
naked man eat chicken wings.

Gosh. I don't believe it.
Brian and Casey?

I know, I know.

Oh, this is all my fault.

Leave Casey home
one night alone

and look what
happens to her.

She crawls in bed
with Brian.

And that's obviously
a tortured cry for help.

Yes. Yes, listen, listen.
We-- We have to do--

We have to do something,
you know?

But-- But--
But what?

Uh, I have
an idea.

You get the hell out
of here, and Helen,

you spend the night with me.

Joe, I can't think
of that right now.

Uh, listen,
you know, uh--

I-- I'm not a prude,
but, uh,

I would appreciate it if you
would, uh, cover yourself.

Please.

God, I'm so sorry.

No, I was talking about Joe.

( playful theme playing )

Um, Roy?
Mm.

Where's that mug
I gave you?

Uh...jeez.

Uh, you know, I haven't
seen that around. But--

( gasps )
Somebody must have swiped it.

Tsk. Oh, I'm all
broken up.

Well...

dry your eyes,
Roy Biggins.

Today's
your lucky day.

Okay, wait till
you hear this story.

All right. Remember
my friend, Merle?

Well, he went out
cod fishing the other day

and he reeled in
a 50-pounder.

And he gets it back
to the beach,

cuts that baby open,

what do you think
falls out?

The mug?

No. A license plate
from 1929.

So he takes it home,
he tells his wife about it,

she doesn't believe him.
They have a huge fight.

Merle storms out, he's
walking down the beach,

guess what
he tripped over.

The mug?

No. A big old piece
of driftwood.

Falls down,
gashes his head,

he has to go to the hospital
and get 30 stitches.

His wife comes to
comfort him, you know,

and-- And, uh, what do you
think she brings him?

No. Flowers.

Mather, where the hell
did you find the mug?!

Oh, I saw your pilot,
Bob,

getting on a flight
with it,

and I said, "Hey,
wait a second, Bob,

that's Roy's mug."

But isn't that something
about Merle?

Guys. Guys, guys.
Come-- Come here.

( clears throat )
Okay, uh...

listen.
( claps hands )

We are throwing a surprise
engagement party

for Joe and Helen,
and, um...

you're all invited.

It's at the Harbor House
tonight.

We'll meet you
in the lobby at 7:30.

Well, it's a little
last-minute, but, uh,

it's a party, and who am I
to pass up a big sandwich?

He-he.
Hm.

How many feet did you
go for? Eight feet?

No. This is Joe and Helen.

Its gotta be the 10-footer.

Remember that
12-footer they served

at Ed Peterson's wake?

ROY:
Oh, yeah.
Oh-ho.

Brace yourself,
guys. Um...

we're not having
a big sandwich.

Excuse me, um...

it almost sounded
like you said

there would be
no big sandwich.

Oh, everyone loves
the big sandwich.

A party without a big sandwich?

It's-- It's-- It's--
It's-- It's just not done.

All right, enough about
the big sandwich.

I'm sure you will all be

more than pleased
with the food.

Especially after you've tasted
the marvelous poached salmon.

How many feet
did you get?

It doesn't come
by the foot.

Then how do you know
when you're full?

I gotta get off
this island.

( exhales )

( door
closes )

How can you live with yourself?

What do you mean?

Don't play coy with me.

I know what you and Casey
are up to, buddy boy.

Well, great. You gonna stop by
the hotel later on and join us?

Hm?

Huh?

What, do you think
we'd leave you out, huh?

Got us a suite at
the Harbor House, huh.

It's gonna be a blast.

What?

Don't get
too excited. Uh...

Casey doesn't want to
do the big sandwich.

What--? What--? What are
you saying?

You and Casey and me?

Well, I mean, don't forget
Roy and Lowell and Fay.

Oh!

God!

Well, come on.

What kind of engagement party
would it be without them, huh?

Engagement party?

Ah.
( gasps )

S-s-so you and Casey
aren't, uh...?

( gasps )
S-so,

when you were talking about
a sandwich, you meant--

Hey wait a minute.
No big sandwich?

Um...

Tell me about it.
Tell me about it.

Ah, but-- A-a party might--
Might finally give me a chance

to-- To impress
Casey.

You know, that woman
wouldn't notice me

if she ran right into me.

Oh!

CASEY:
Okay.

The party is all set.
( pounds fist )

I took care of the decorations,
the food and the hotel.
Ah.

Did you take care
of your end?

Sure I took care
of my end.

What was my end?
( sighs )

Ooh, I knew you
would forget.

You are supposed to
come up with a plan

to get Joe and Helen
to the hotel

so we can
surprise them.

All right. I wasn't
gonna say anything...

but now I have to.

I know what you two
are up to.
( Brian sighs )

Oh, no.
Oh, damn.

How'd you find out?

Oh, please,
on this island?

You sneeze in
the hardware store,

and they gesundheit you
down at the bowling alley.

You can't go sneaking around
hotel rooms

and expect no one to notice.

Why--? Why didn't we just
do it in the hangar?

Casey, I know
that you've been upset,

but sleeping with Brian
is not the answer.

Oh, what?

Oh. No, no. No,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

See, we were just
planning--

Casey, why deny it?

I know we didn't want
Joe and Helen to find out

because of
the "surprise."

We'll just
have to...

do the best we can.

Understand, my...

love?

( chuckles )

Yes.

But you're all wrong
for each other.

Oh, I know, I know.

I know what you're
asking yourself:

What is this good-looking,
virile young guy

doing with this pretentious,
neurotic mess?

But, hey.

I love her.

Casey? You sure
about this?

Hey.
( laughs uncomfortably )

I'll always
love him.

Even if he should happen to
become horribly d*sfigured

in some tragic
accident.

Like, say,
getting pinned

underneath the wheels
of my car.

Oh, honey.
That is so sweet.

You're adults,
so, you know,

you're gonna do
what you're gonna do.

But when this express train
to hell derails,

don't come running to me.

( grunts )
You pig!

Uh.
( sighs )

Just didn't want to blow
the surprise, you know?

But admit it.

When I kissed you...

you felt something.

Oh. Yeah.
Your tongue.

And if you ever
do that again,

I'm gonna serve it
to you on a big sandwich.

( lively theme playing )

Helen?

You wanna give me
a hand with this?

Oh, never mind.
I got it.

( sighs )

Can you believe they went back
to the hotel tonight?

What--? How do you know that?

How do you think I know?
I called the Harbor House.

( sighs )
Room 412 is
registered to Brian Hackett.

You called the hotel?

Helen, are you out of
your mind?

You don't think it's possible
for a human being

to crawl through
that heating duct, do you?

I'm not gonna sit here and
do nothing. I'm gonna call 'em.

No, no, no, listen.
Listen to me. Listen.

Tonight we are
going to forget...

all about Brian and Casey...

and have
a romantic evening.

Oh, Joe.
Mm.

God, that feels so wonderful.

Okay, now you do me.

You know, maybe
I am overreacting.

Maybe they are meant
for each other.

Maybe they'll fall in love,
get married

and have
a couple kids.

Maybe.

And Brian will get bored.

And he'll start
messing around.

Ow.

Then Casey will
start drinking...

and living in
her bathrobe.

Ow.

Ow.
Then...

Brian will leave her.

And Casey will collapse
from the stress

of being a single mom.

And who's gonna end up
raising the kids, Joe?

We are!

Helen, wait.
Where are you going now?

I'm going to stop them.

( lively theme playing )

The plan is
very simple.

You call Helen,
tell her that I dumped you...

and when she hears
your pathetic sobbing...

she and Joe will
be over in a sh*t.

Oh. Like Helen
would ever believe that.

I wanna dump you.

Nobody dumps Brian Hackett.

( phone rings )

Hello?

You're kidding?

Uh, thank you.

Well...

apparently
the Clam Digger Deli

has just delivered
a large sandwich.

Big sandwich!

It's a "big
sandwich."

Let's go down
and get it.

I can't believe this.

Although I should have known
you'd do something

to completely ruin this party.
( sighs )

You know something?

In all my experience,
I have never met a woman

who needs a big sandwich
as much as you.

I can't believe
I let you drag me down here.

You know, I bet everyone in this
hotel is having sex right now,

except for us.

And that guy.

Oh, just sh**t me.

Casey.

No, no, no, no,
no, Helen.

You can't just
barge in on 'em.

The hell I can't.
Hel--

Casey?

Brian?

Helen, there's
nobody here. Let--

Oh. What is this?

"Joe and Helen
forever"?
( door closes )

Oh, my gosh.

( sighs )
I am such an idiot.

That's what they were
doing here at the hotel.

They wanted to surprise us with
this hotel room for the night.

Oh, Joe.
Look, champagne.

Isn't it wonderful?

Yeah, yeah.
Sure, wonderful.

Oh, would you come
look at the view.

Yeah, yeah, view.
Let's go.

Wonder what a room
like this goes for?

Easy now. Take it easy.
Easy. More to the left.

More to the-- Watch
the corner! Please. Oh, sh--

Careful.
Here, come on.

Anything happens to
the roast-beef section

of this sandwich,
there's hell to pay.

Oh, great.

I've gone from
chairing fundraisers

to bringing up the rear
of a giant hoagie.

ALL:
It's a "big sandwich!"

( Joe humming,
Helen giggling )

Ss!

I hear something.

( both giggling )

Sounds like
Joe and Helen.

How did they find out?
I didn't call them yet.

Oh, great,
the surprise is ruined.

No, it's not.
I paid for a surprise,

and I'm gonna
get a surprise.

Ready?
One, two, three.

ALL:
Surprise!

( Helen screams )

CASEY:
Oh, my God!

JOE: Helen, look.
It's a big sandwich.

Helen?

Helen?
Yes?

I'm in the mood again.

Already?

Yeah.

God, Joe.
You're insatiable.

Haven't you
had enough?

I can never get enough.

All right,
honey.
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