06x07 - All's Fare

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Good night, Helen.
Oh, hold on, Brian.

You know, I've been meaning
to tell you all day that

that shirt looks
really good on you.

Hm. Thank you.
Yeah, uh--

You know, um...

I've always
thought that

you were really
handsome...

and so sexy.

Helen, what are you doing?

Something I wanted
to do for a long time.

Oh--

( percussion theme playing )

Nurse Cochran,
need two pints of blood,

50 milligrams
of Demerol.

FAY:
Yes, Doctor Mather.
And we have to hurry

because there were 49 others
in the car with him.

Brian, I really
want you.

( mumbling )

Helen.

What?

Something's
not right here.

Maybe a little music
will help?

( piano playing
"Call Me Irresponsible" )

Call me

Irresponsible

Call me

Unreliable

Throw in

Undependable

Too

Now do you want me?

( mumbling )

What about Joe?

Forget Joe.

( tittering )

( airplane engine
whirring )

( mumbles ):
You shy?
( giggling )

Should we wake him up?
No, sh, sh, sh. Nah. Nah.

Whatever he's doing, it looks
like he's having a good time.

BRIAN:
Hey.

( giggles ):
Hey. Mwah.

( light jazzy theme playing )

Tsk.

My, Lowell.

You look very nice today.

Uh, thanks, Fay. You know,
yesterday, after church

I went to the hardware store
and, um...

Arlo, the paint boy,

called me "sir," you know.

And right then it hit me.

That Arlo sniffs paint fumes?

Fay, who among us hasn't maybe

lingered a little too long

over a can
of Navajo White, huh?

But what I meant to say
was, uh, you know,

suit commands respect.

Eh. Uh, what do you--
What do you think, Roy?

Mather, a group
of Cub Scouts

heave-hoed all over
plane two.

Drag your butt out there
and hose it down.

Need I say more?

Hey, what are
you reading?

Oh, it's a catalog
of night classes.

I'm tired of being so angry
about Stuart leaving me.

I figure there's gotta be
more to life

than just sitting around
being bitter about men.

Good for you. What classes
are you thinking about taking?

Well, I have it narrowed down
here to Lesbian Studies

or How to Render a Man Helpless
With Your Thumb.

Oh, look at that. They're both
taught by the same instructor.

Mm. Heh.

Hey, Roy. Want to
hear a good one?

Yeah, sure.

An honest,
hard-working cab driver

goes to
a shyster accountant

and ends up owing
the IRS 1500 bucks.

So the IRS now
is threatening to

throw the cabby
in the prison.

That is a good one.

So, I, uh--

I was wondering if you
could lend me some money.

( snickering )

That's an even better one.

Roy, please...

Hey, there's an old saying
about lending money to friends.

Yeah, yeah, I know:

"Neither a borrower
nor a lender be."

Actually I was thinking
of, "No, no,

not even if
I liked you. No."

Uh.

Uh...

of all the times
for this to happen.

I finally saved up
enough money to ask Casey out

for a fancy
dinner.

You, take Casey out?

Scarpacci, you are
kidding yourself.

You haven't had the nerve
to say two words to her

since she showed up here.
Well, I do now.

Oh, really? Let's see. Casey.
What are you--?

Uh, could you come here?
What are you doing now? Don't--

ROY:
You've got the guts
to ask her out,

I'll spring for
the dinner.

What is it?
Hm.

Antonio. Hm-hm.

W-a-a-a-a-...

How old are you?
( grunts )

Damn, I almost
got you.

You really think
that's funny?

Oh, come on.
You thought it was funny

last week
when I did it to Fay.

Oh. Right.

So, uh, what were you
smiling about, huh?

Huh? Oh-- Oh--
Oh, yeah-- Yeah, yeah.

( laughing ):
I had the most
incredible dream.

Completely weird, huh?

Uh, ha, I was
in the terminal,

right, and Lowell
was dressed as a surgeon,

and he was operating on a clown.

( laughing ):
Oh, yow.

No, wait.
And then,

Antonio and Roy
were playing twin pianos

while Casey sang.

Oh, what? Man.
Wait-- Wait, and then--

You'll get a huge kick
out of this.
Uh-huh.

Um...
( laughing )

--I was making it with Helen

at the lunch counter.

( both laughing )
( claps hands )

What?

( continues
laughing )

Can you picture that?

Me and Helen.
Isn't that hysterical, man?

( laughs )

My Helen? You-- You dreamt
about my Helen?

Well, uh, I wouldn't worry
too much about it.

Yesterday I had a dream
that I couldn't play soccer

because I had Tupperware
instead of feet.

Ha-ha.

Did you see her naked?

All right, all right. Heh.
Let-- Let me explain

the concept to you, okay?

Was a dream.

Didn't happen.
No, no, no.

It was more than a dream.
Obviously you have sexual

feelings towards Helen.
How could you do this to me?

I'm really sorry
I brought the whole thing up.

Listen, I was out late
last night.

I need a little more sleep.

Oh, no. You're
not going to sleep.

You stay away from Helen.

Excuse me. Do you know
where I can get

a car and driver
for the week?

FAY:
Uh, you mean
like a limousine?

Oh, it doesn't
have to be a limo.

Well, uh, how about a former

USO dancer
in a Plymouth Duster?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Uh, ahem, couldn't
help overhearing.

I own a luxurious cab,

I-I know every inch
of the island,

and people say I'm perky.

You'd also have to run
errands, FedEx documents,

pick clients up at the airport--
Say no more.

If you need something faxed,
I will fax it.

If you need lunch,
I will make it.

If you need a massage--

Well, I won't give you one.

Okay, maybe I will.

You are perky.

How much?

( inhales ):
Ooh, uh, one full week

at your beck and call
24 hours a day, uh...

1500 bucks.
Fifteen hundred bucks?

Hey, for that
I'll take a b*llet for you.

No, I won't.

Okay, maybe I will.

( exhales )
I don't know.

It's a lot of money.

And I don't get
sh*t at that often.

Well, you know,
the best does not come cheap.

Uh, but you know that.
From the look of your suit,

uh, whatever you're here for
is worth big coin.

So you can go first class
and hire me,

or some low-rent driver
who FedExes your contracts

to the wrong coast
and blows the whole gig.

I like a man who knows
what he's worth.

Gavin Rutledge.

Antonio Scarpacci.

Let's rock and roll.

Do you know her?
Who?

That woman there. She's
gorgeous. What's her name?

Oh, n-- No-- No-- No.
Y-- Eh, you don't want her.

Fay, on the other hand,
is one hot ticket.

That's okay. I like
what I see right here.

Excuse me.

My name is Gavin Rutledge.

Hi.

When I first saw you,
I-- Well, I'm sure that

you hear this all the time,
but I just wanted

to tell you myself:

You're absolutely stunning.

Really?

Uh, well, hey,
we tried. Okay.

I'm in town
for a week

putting together
a real-estate deal.

I'd love it if you'd
have dinner with me.

Look, Gavin, save your breath.
It's not gonna happen.

Mm. You gave it
your best sh*t. Let's go.

Is there nothing I can say
that would change your mind?

Look, um, I just separated
from my husband

and I'm not really
into dating right now.

I understand. I'm sorry
to have bothered you.

And for whatever
it's worth...

any man who would
let you get away

has to be
the world's biggest fool.

( laughs )
Thanks.

See? I got you to smile.
My work here is done.

( laughs )
( Antonio laughs )

Okay, come on. Let's go.
Wait.

I'm sorry about the little...

attitude before.

I'm Casey.

It's nice to
meet you, Casey.

I should probably quit
while I'm ahead

but I was wondering if you might

reconsider my dinner invitation.

Why...I think I'd like that.

What?

Antonio, take these bags
to the car.

I'll be out
in a minute.

My life is
a complete disaster.

Hey. You want to
turn your life around?

Hey, get yourself a suit.

( lively theme playing )

( airplane flying
overhead )

What are you
doing?

What?

You were staring
at Helen.

Oh. I was not.
No, yeah--

Hey, I saw you.
You were staring at her.

Oh, come on. I asked her
to butter my bagel.

"Butter your bagel?" All right.
You and me, outside, right now.

What's going on?
I-I don't even want to tell you.

You're gonna be
furious.

All right.
Brian had

an erotic dream about you.

Really?
"Really?"

What do you mean,
"Really?"

He saw you naked.

Oh, did I look
fat to you?

Oh. I don't
believe this.

Uh, w-while we're on
the subject of fantasies,

I've had one that involves
two people here.

Really? Who?
FAY: Well, actually,

it was Joe and Brian.

No. You had a fantasy
about us?

FAY:
Yes. It was totally

wild and unbelievable.

You gave me a raise.

Hey.
( sighs ):
Oh, flowers.

Brian, sweetie--

Hey.
--thank you.

Hey, after last night,
tiger lady,

you deserve it.

( laughs mockingly )

Very funny.
That's very funny.

( airplane flying overhead )

I knew they were
for Casey.

Good morning.

Oh, my God. Look at those
beautiful flowers.

Are they for me?

Yes.
Oh.

Gavin remembered
I said I love lilies.

Actually, I did.

Isn't he
the sweetest guy?

( beeper beeping )

Ah. Well, speak of
the hunky devil.

Whoo. Flowers
after one date.

This guy must really like you.

Oh, I hope so.

Gavin is just
like Stuart...

except he's charming,
he has a sense of humor,

and I don't have to carry him
when the sand

on the beach
gets too hot. Ha.

Uh, that was Mr. Rutledge.

He said we'll pick you up
tonight at 8.

Oh. Well, tell him
that 8 will be perfect.

Did he say anything else?

Yeah, well, uh,
he said to tell you...

he has a bad case
of the "Caseys."

( laughing ):
Oh, that's so cute.

I'm in hell.

( mellow theme playing )

( laughs ):
You know, I can't believe
you actually had the nerve

to get up and sing
"Just The Way You Are."

Hey. It was a karaoke
bar. And besides,

I was singing it
to you.

Yech.

Uh, sorry. It's
a little something

caught in my throat
there.

I had a great time tonight.

You really are...

incredible.

( brakes screech )
( gasps )

Whoops. Oh, are those
brakes or what? Huh?

Well, here we are at Casey's
house. Good night, Casey.

See you soon. Don't
be a stranger. Ciao.

Are you sure I can't talk you
into going back to the hotel

just for a glass of wine?

CASEY:
Well...

it is late,

and...well,
tonight is just

a little too soon
for me.

GAVIN:
I understand.

But we're still on
for dinner tomorrow night?

Oh, absolutely.

( horn honks )
Oh, whoops.

Hey, is that
a horn or what, huh?

( claps hands )

I guess I'll just, uh,
walk Casey to the door.

I can handle it.

Oh.

Don't kiss him.
Don't kiss him.

Don't k-- Oh!

( horn blows )
Oh.

( footsteps
approaching )

( Gavin groans )

Well, I guess it's
back to the hotel.

Yes, sir.
Oh, jeez. I didn't know

it had gotten this late.

I've gotta make a call.

While I'm on the island,
this cab is my office.

And anything said
in the office is--

Strictly confidential.
Uh, I understand.

Boy, I guess your work
never stops, huh?

Right.

Hi, honey.
It's me.

How are the kids?

( lively theme playing )

( airplane flying overhead )

( inhales )

Yep.

What?
Oh, well, let's
just say that, uh...

( inhales )
...you're not the only dreamer

in the Hackett family.

Oh, will you
let this go already.

Oh, sure. Sure, sure,
sure. But, uh...

you might be interested
to know that last night

I had the most exciting dream

of my entire life.

Let me guess:

You got a brand new pair
of Dockers?

No. Think, uh,

a little more
along the lines of, uh,

your new girlfriend, Kirsten.

Uh-- My Kirsten?

No, not last night
she wasn't.

( snickers )
Oh, yes. She came to the house

to see you,
but you weren't home.

She locked the door
with a little smile.

She slowly...

took off
her clothes.

And she proceeded

to do things to me

that still make me shiver.

Kirsten did.

Yep.

( snickers )

Not Helen.
JOE: Listen,

you can dream
all you want about Helen.

( scoffs )
I've got Kirsten.

Heh. What do you
think of that?

Oh, not
very much.

Uh-- Eh-- Eh--

Ow!
Joe--

Joe, can I
talk to you?

N-n-no-- Not now.

Come on, Helen.
It was just a dream.

Uh, Brian, could I--?
Sorry. I've got to see this.

( engine
sputtering )

Lowell--
Uh, Lowell, listen, uh,

I have this problem,
and I was hoping

you could give me
some advice.

Sure.

Check-- Ho.
Whoo-ooh. Whoo.

( engine
whirring )

Okay. Ooh--

Ah. There we go.

No, never--
Never mind.

Clean. No-no,
no-no-no. No.

Listen, your instincts
brought you to me.

Unload your burden.

( sighs )
Okay. Uh, well, see,

I-I've got this friend,
see, and, um, he--

He owes a lot of money
to the IRS.

A-and-- And right now,
uh, he--

He's working
for this rich man

who-- Who happens to be
dating a woman

that my friend likes
very much.

But the problem is
this rich man is married.

But if my friend
tells the woman this,

he's sure to be fired.

( scoffs ):
Oh, Antonio.

Do I look like a fool to you?

I think we both know
who your "friend" is.

It's your cousin,
Giacomo, isn't it?

No.

Your dad?
No.

Roy?
No.

Pete, the idiot?
No-- No, listen.

I think what
the problem is,

is that your friend
has no self-respect.

What you need
to do

is tell him to get
himself a...suit.

( mellow jazzy theme playing )

Dinner was
wonderful.

In fact...

the last few days
have been wonderful.

( laughs )
For me too.

I've waited a long time
for someone like you

to come into my life.

Oh, please.

Uh-- Uh--

Use your turn signal,
you butthead.

I got you a little
something. Here.

Wha--?

Oh.

Gavin, this is
beautiful.

Weasel.

Uh, o-on the road,

there's a little
weasel, and--

I can't accept this.
This is too much.

Please, I really
want you to have it.

I don't know what to say.

Say that you'll
keep it.

Casey...

the way I feel
about you...

I could really
see us together.

Come here.

( tires screech )

Whoa. I almost missed
that turn to Casey's house.

That won't be
necessary.

I think we'll be going on
to the hotel.

( laughs )
But--

The hotel.

Oh, look,
a church.

Heh. Anybody feel like
going to confession?

Yeah.
Yeah, I know.

The hotel.

Okay. Here it is.

Thank you.

Ah, well, I guess
I'll just, uh, wait here

to drive Casey
home, then.

That won't be necessary.

( door opens )

Casey...

What?

Nothing.

Let's go.
Oh.

Casey, don't go.

What are you doing?

What's wrong?

He's married.

Married?

He has a wife.

He calls her "honey."

Is that true?

Well...sort of.
( sighs )

But isn't the important
thing

how we feel about
each other tonight?

No, you're
married.

Does that really
have to matter?

( hand grasps pants )

( in high voice ):
I guess it does.

( exhales )

( door closes )

Please take me home.

You are so fired.

Fine. Just pay me
what you owe me.

Try to collect a dime
from me.

Yeah? Well,
I'll see you in hell.

Because I'm gonna
k*ll myself.

( meter clicks off )

I'm, uh...

I'm sorry.

Why do I have a knack
for finding all the jerks?

Why can't I find a nice guy?

Oh. They're out there.

If I may...

you know, uh--

For years, my Uncle Paolo,

h-he drove this b*at-up
old station wagon.

Uh, and then, one day,

he came into
a lot of money.

Never mind how.

And, uh, he--

He bought
a-a-a bright red Ferrari.

You know, it--
It was shiny and fast

but, uh, not very
dependable.

M-- Most days, he--
He still had to drive

that b*at-up old wagon.

So, uh, one day, uh,

the Ferrari blew up--

never mind how

--and, uh--

So...

Paolo, he--

He goes and buys
a black Maserati.

You know?
But once again,

he could never
count on it.

Ferraris, Maseratis, w--

They--
They sure are flashy...

but, heh, that banged-up
old wagon

is still with him
after all these years.

I think I see what you mean.

You do?

Well, that's good,
you know, because, uh, I was--

I was thinking--

In fact, I was hoping--

You know, I learned
something tonight.

I'm not ready to date.
I mean, I thought I was,

but...

Well, I guess
it's just too soon.

Yeah, right.
It's--

It's too soon.

Hey, I'm sorry
you got fired.

No. What.
No big deal.

No. I'm sure the IRS will wait
for the money I owe them.

Ah, I'm so screwed.

Well...

here.

What are you
doing?

Well, you need money,

so why don't you take this?

Ah. No.
No, uh, I couldn't.

Please.
No, no. It-- It-- It's yours.

I'd really rather
you have it.

( laughs )

Ah. Thank you.
You know, I-I--

I-if I didn't need
the money so badly--

I know.

Well...

if nothing else...

he had good taste.

Yes.

He certainly did.

( melancholy piano theme
playing )

( playing
"Call Me Irresponsible" )

( lip-synching
to female voice ):
Call me

Irresponsible

Call me

Unreliable

Throw in

Undependable

Wow.

Whoo. I just had
the weirdest dream.