06x11 - Insanity Claus

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Wings". Aired: April 19, 1990, to May 21, 1997.*
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Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.
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06x11 - Insanity Claus

Post by bunniefuu »

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( chatter, plane flying
overhead )

Hey, zippy.
You in charge here?

What the hell are you?

We're the Three Wise Men.
Who do you think we are?

I don't know.

For a minute I thought maybe
the Jacksons got back together.

( chuckles mockingly )

Look, pally, we just finished
a Christmas pageant.

We've got to get back
to Brooklyn.

So I need three tickets on
your next flight to LaGuardia.

Oh. No, sorry.

That flight's booked solid.

No, no, see, you're not
following me here, cupcake.

We're tired, we're hungry,

Benny's costume's
starting to reek.

You're no bottle of
rose water yourself.

But like I said:
we're booked.

All right, look, maybe we got
off on the wrong foot, right?

That happens.

So I'll tell you what,
twinkle toes, perhaps you could

recheck your, uh,
reservations,

see if maybe three of

your passengers might
have booked the wrong flight?

You know what I'm saying.

Now, just hold on here.

Are you actually offering me
a $20 bribe

to screw three people out of
getting home for the holidays?

Ho-ho. You know, for a wise man,
you're not very wise.

( sighs )

Getting wiser.

Wiser.

Cupcake, you're
a genius.

Okay.

( lively theme playing )

( plane flying overhead )

Well...that's it.
My last flight.

Our Christmas has
officially started.

I'm so excited.

This is our first Christmas
since we got engaged.

We're gonna roast
chestnuts...

Mm, and make love by the fire...

We're gonna hang
stockings...

And make love by the fire.

We're gonna open
presents.

And two of those presents
are gonna help us

make love by the fire.

Let's go.

Hi, Fay.
Hi, Fay.

Y-you two aren't
leaving now.

You'll miss my Christmas party.

Oh, well, Fay, uh,
you know how much

we do love
your Christmas party,

but Joe and I have to
go home and, um...

Uh...

stuff the turkey.

Uh, but-- But I've been
planning this all week.

I-I even made my lemon bars
that everyone loves so much.

( both laugh )

She made her lemon bars
that everybody loves so much.

How do you say no
to those lemon bars?

You don't.

Hey, Joe.

Uh, listen, do you mind if
I take off early for,

you know,
Christmas?

Well, eh, hey, Lowell,
it's fine with me but--

No, you can't.

You'll miss my party.

I made my lemon bars.

God, why?

Uh-- I mean, uh--
Heh. Oh, my.

Uh, look, Fay,
you're not gonna

schiz out about
this party

like you did
last year, are you?

Yes, you know, it's not
gonna be much of a holiday

if we have to
sedate you again.

I'm trying to bring
a little Christmas cheer

to those closest
and dearest to me.

Is that
schizing out?

Well, I-I just need
ten minutes to get ready.

I think this is gonna be
the best party ever.

Merry Christmas, Brian.

( mockingly ):
Merry Christmas, Brian.
Merry Christmas, Brian.

Why does everybody
keep saying that?

It's just one day.

God was born. Move on.
You know?

Come on, Brian,
we know that you're upset

because you have to spend
the holidays alone.

But don't take it
out on us.

Yeah, that's right. And, you
know, by the way, we are

not amused by where you moved
the carrot on our snowman.

That was supposed to be
his nose.

Well, if you thought you were
depressed before, get this.

We got to stay here
for Fay's Christmas party.

And she made her
lemon bars.

Ah. Good timing.

Just finished burping up
the ones from last year.

Hey, uh,
Joey, Helen,

you know
what would

make me feel...
really great?

( plane flying overhead )

Is if I had someone
to spend Christmas with.

Oh, honey. Why didn't
you say so before?

Roy, Brian wants to
spend Christmas with you.

ROY:
Tough.

I got big plans.

I'm taking Mom to St. Louis
to the Bowling Hall of Fame.

I just hope four days
is enough.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

ALL:
Merry Christmas.

Hey, Antonio, Antonio.

Uh, you don't have
any sort of life.

You want to...

Want to spend
Christmas together?

Oh, sorry, pal.
No. Not this year.

This year I'm spending
Christmas

with my new
girlfriend, Phoebe.

Oh. Wait a minute.
You have a girlfriend?

Yes, I have
a girlfriend.

Put your eyes back
in their sockets.

What am I?
The village eunuch?

No, not this year.
Brian is.

( Antonio laughs )

Well, I just wanted to
stop by

and wish everybody...

Merry
Christmas

And, uh-- I'm
meeting Phoebe in an hour,

and, uh, we're going to
have sex,

if you know what I mean.

Hi.

I'll have my usual, please:

black coffee
and a jelly doughnut.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm out
of the jelly doughnuts.

But you know I have one
every afternoon.

Every afternoon
at exactly this time,

I come down and say,

"Hi. I'll have
my usual, please:

black coffee
and a jelly doughnut."

I'm sorry. I sold
the last one to him.

I'm starving.

I've been having
a lot of sex.

But how-- How could you
do this to me?

Didn't you tell him,
"Hey, wait a minute.

You can't have that doughnut.
That's Bob's doughnut."

Um, n-no,
I didn't say that.

But I tell you what:
why don't I get a plain doughnut

and put some jelly on it,

and we can call that
Bob's doughnut.

Are you mocking me?

Uh, no, I'm just
trying to help.

I'll tell you what:
I'll go check in the kitchen.

Maybe there's a jelly doughnut
I forgot about.

Really? Hey,
that would be great.

And remember, if there is,
and somebody else wants it,

you just say,
"No. That's Bob's doughnut,"

and send it on up.

You bet I will.

Whoa. What
a nut case.

Who is that guy?

He's the air-traffic
controller.

Well, wh--? What
happened to Walter?

Walter's recovering
from eye surgery.

It's so comforting to know
that the guy landing our planes

had double vision.

Well, couldn't find
a jelly doughnut.

But I found
a chocolate one.

Who knows? Maybe this
could be Bob's doughnut.

( chuckles )

Well, I'm going upstairs anyway.

I'll take it up to him.

HELEN:
Thanks.

Hey, look at this. I got
a Christmas card from Gail.

Well--
Sent myself
a Christmas card this year.

Didn't get it.

How pathetic
is that?

So, um, that's
a Christmas card from Gail.

As in your ex-girlfriend,
Gail?

Yeah, you want to read it?

Oh, no, I don't need
to read it.

I'm not insec--
Okay, I'll read it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

"Happy holidays.
Thinking of you. Love, Gail."

Okay, what is this?

Oh, come on, Helen.
It's no big deal.

It's just a Christmas card.

Oh, you poor naive man.

Let me translate.

"Happy holidays.
Thinking of you. Love, Gail,"

means, "Dump the blonde,
I want you back."

Look, y-y-you are
100 percent wrong.

She-- I never even would have
gotten this card

if I hadn't sent her one first.

You sent...her one first?

So, um...

what are we doing
for Christmas?

Helen...

Oh, thank God
you're here.

You have to
fly me to Boston.

Ha. You know, the beauty of
living in a democracy is,

I really don't.
Oh.

We-- Yes, you do.

I'm on my way to this very
exclusive Christmas party.

Oh, really?
How did you get invited?

Well, I happen to know a lot
of very important people.

My former cleaning lady works
for the Kennedys, and she says

if I get there by 9,

she can sneak me through
the doggy door.

You know something?

That-- That's the most
desperate and pathetic thing

I have ever heard.

Except for this: please let me
crawl along as your date.

Okay. Okay, but after
we slip out of the dumb waiter

and into the party, don't do
anything to embarrass me.

( plane flying overhead )

Excuse me...

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
I'm being silly.

I don't want to do anything
to mess up our Christmas.

( quietly ):
Excuse me.

( cocks, g*nsh*t )

( crowd screaming )

You all know Bob.

The man who's pointing
his g*n in my back.

Apparently, Bob...

not a chocolate lover.

Okay.

Now, nobody moves,

or the guy who ate
Bob's doughnut gets it.

( lively theme playing )

Bob.

Bob, don't-- Don't
do anything crazy.

Now, put-- Put--
Put the g*n down.

Please don't k*ll me.

For the first time
in my life,

uh, I actually have
something to live for.

Shut up.

Okay.

Now, nobody comes
near me, or...

I sh**t him!

And nobody leaves the building,
or I sh**t him.

And, uh, nobody
comes in or--

Yes. We know.
You'll sh**t him.

We're not idiots.

Bob. Bob, come on, w--
Why are you doing this?

What do you want?

I want my jelly doughnut.

We don't make deals!

Oh, uh-- Uh, ex--
Excuse me.

I-I know you just said
you wanted a doughnut,

but I'd be happy to give you
one of my lemon bars.

Fay, what are you
trying to do?

Get us all k*lled?

What is going on?

He says we can't
take off

because the dork in the control
tower won't give us clearance.

Oh, I am now officially
a dead man.

Hey, Bob, what the hell
are you doing down here?

I have to take off.
Chop-chop!

He has got a g*n
on Antonio.

He says he's gonna
sh**t him

if he doesn't get
a jelly doughnut.

Well, that's
a no-brainer.

Um, get him
a doughnut.

Ahem. They don't have
any jelly doughnuts

in this Mickey Mouse airport.

Hey, can you watch
what you say

about this airport,
mister!

Lowell, why don't you just take
the g*n and sh**t me yourself?

You know...

I don't ask
for much.

He really doesn't
ask for much.

My life is crap.

Total crap.

I can't hold a job.

My marriage is
falling apart.

And the only thing that
I have to look forward to

in my crummy
little existence

is my daily
jelly doughnut.

Just one doughnut.

So you'd better get one
and send it up quick.

Quick like a bunny.

And remember that I can see
everything from that tower.

So if you are thinking
of sneaking out...

or calling
the cops...don't.

Or I can guarantee you
that your friend here

will not have
a very merry Christmas.

( mellow theme playing )

Come on. Quick.

Come on. Come in here.

Shut the door.

HELEN:
Gosh. I don't believe this.

What are we
gonna do?

Oh. Poor Antonio.

Are you sure you don't
have another doughnut?

Uh, I'm gonna go ahead and
say this one more time:

I don't have
a jelly doughnut.

Okay. I called the cops.

What? Are you crazy?
He told us not to.

( mockingly ):
He told us not to.
He told us not to.

Okay, that's good.

The police will be here
any second.

Oh...not exactly.

What do you mean?

Well, I could only reach
Claudia at the switchboard.

Everybody else is out
at a Christmas party.

So she's rounding
'em up.

It's gonna take
a little while.
Oh.

Oh, great.

Right now, Mom is
sitting outside that home

in a lawn chair
with her ball and her shoes.

If I don't get there soon,
she'll just start bowling.

Oh, my God.

What?

I just realized I don't
have enough lemon bars

for the police.

It's all right, Fay.

They already have
their own weapons.

Come on, don't pick on her.

Oh, listen, if it's
anyone's fault, it's yours!

You're the one
who sold Bob's doughnut.

HELEN:
Do you believe that?
Hey, Fay.

( all chattering )

People!
Oh.

Let's can the chatter.
We got a situation here.

( crash )

You broke my clock.
Gail gave me that clo--

Joe, Antonio's life is
hanging in the balance,

and you're worried
about a clock?

If you weren't my boss,
I'd spank you.

All right.

These are the blueprints
for the airport.

Now, the tower is here.

We're over here.

Now, I'm gonna throw
a grappling hook up here,

so I can drop down
on him here.

( sighs )

Mather, you boob,
those plans are upside down.

Okay, everything I just said...

flip it.

Okay.

Now then,
here's your assignments.

Fay, call Bob's wife.
There's the phone number.

Helen. Cookbook.

Jelly doughnut recipe,
page 79. Make one.

Joe, make some coffee.
It's gonna be a long night.

Brian, change that sweater.
It doesn't match the ensemble.

Roy...

you keep
the passengers calm.

How?

Damn it, man!
Use your imagination.

Tell 'em jokes.
Play games.

Break 'em up
into guys and girls

and sing "Summer Lovin'"
from Grease.

Casey...

just in case I don't
make it back...

( mellow theme playing )

What, are you nervous?

'Cause, I mean,
you are sweating a lot.

Of course I'm nervous.
You're pointing a g*n at me.

Yeah, but, I mean, that's
not just regular sweating.

What you've got there
is problem perspiration.

Wh-- What am I
supposed to do?

Stop it.

It's not so easy--

Stop it.
I can't.

Your perspiring
makes me nervous.

When I'm nervous
my hand shakes.

I can't stop perspiring,
because when your hand shakes,

it makes me nervous!

You just stop sweating!

You stop shaking!

All right!

Okay.
All right!

I hate that we're fighting.

You know, my-- My wife and I
fight all the time.

All couples fight.

Yeah, but we're--
We're drifting apart.

All couples drift.

She's having an affair.

Nice shoes.

Really? You like 'em?

I got these when
I lived in Chicago.

I used to work at O'Hare,

the busiest airport
in the world.

The big time. The show.

Why did you leave?

Yeah, my boss said that

I couldn't handle
the pressure anymore.

That I was unstable.

Can you imagine that?

Me, unstable.

Look, Bob, I-I-I know
things may seem bad now,

but one way to look at it is,
when things can't get any worse

they can only get better.

You think?

Oh, sure.

Wow. I like that.

You know, maybe I have been
overreacting a little bit.

I mean, after all,
it's just a doughnut.

That's all.
It's just a doughnut.

Oh, my God!

W-- What's wrong?

Oh, it's-- It's--
It's no big deal.

There's a scratch
on your shoe.

Damn.

Just when things
were going so well.

Yeah, you know,
they are scratched.

But I'm not gonna
let it spoil my mood.

I think I've turned
a corner here.

Things are
looking up.

( yells )

You know...

you're gonna have to
calm down, Antonio.

I used to be nervous like you.

( knocking )

Who is it?!

BRIAN:
The jelly doughnut
is ready.

Bob's
jelly doughnut.

You see that?

Things are looking up.

Come on, buddy. Let's eat.

( plane flying overhead )

( quiet chatter )

Okay. They're
coming down.

All right.
Helen, come on.

Where are you
with that doughnut?

They're coming down.

Okay. Here it is.

I'm Phoebe.

Someone just called me
and told me

to get down here
right away.

Wh-- Uh, Phoebe,
Antonio's girlfriend?

How do you know that?

Look, someone named Fay
said it was an emergency.

Fay, why did you call
Antonio's girlfriend?

I didn't!

I called Bob's wife!

Here we come.

We're coming for
Bob's doughnut.

BOTH:
Phoebe.

BOTH:
Hey. How do you know Phoebe?

( lively theme playing )

I had no idea
Phoebe was your wife.

I swear. I--

I didn't even know
she was married.

He's right, Bob.

I didn't tell him.

Believe me...

if I had known, I-I never
would have gone near her.

Not that she isn't
a lovely girl--

You really are
one lucky guy.

Oh, yeah.

My wife is making it
with a cabdriver.

How lucky can you get?

Hey. I only did it because
he paid attention to me.

And he was a good lover too.

She's lying!
She's lying.

I'm, uh-- I'm-- I'm clumsy,
I'm inexperienced.

I-I don't even know
where everything is.

Okay, that's it!

I'm through
talking now!

No, no! Bob, Bob,
Bob, come on.

Don't do anything crazy.

I am not going to do
anything crazy.

I'm simply going to
sh**t the guy

who's been sleeping
with my wife.

Oh, oh, okay.
Okay.

Bob, uh,
you need to relax.

Uh, I know why
you're upset.

You haven't had your delicious,
homemade jelly doughnut.

Let me get it.

What?

That was
Bob's doughnut.

Well, how was I
supposed to know?

I didn't see
his freakin' name on it.

This is just great!

My day started out lousy!

It's gonna end lousy,
just like my whole life!

You. You said it couldn't
get any worse.

You lied.

Things are very worse,

but not as bad as they're
gonna be for you!

Bob, Bob, lis-- Listen--

Listen, Bob. Come on,
it's Christmas.

We're all under
a lot of stress.
Yeah.

You are not the only one
in the world with problems.

We all have problems.

Yeah? Not like me, buddy.
Nobody's got problems like me.

Oh, Bob, don't give me that!

Look at her!

For years, she's been throwing
this miserable Christmas party.

And she serves these
disgusting lemon bars.

And the-- The worst part
of it is,

she actually believes
that we like them.

What planet is she from?

And-- And-- And what--? What
about this guy here? Huh?

He is so alone he's sending
himself Christmas cards.

Pfft. Eh, depressing?

Eh. We're thinking of taking
away his belt and his shoelaces.

And-- And what about--? What
about him? What about him?

A middle-aged man who's
gonna spend Christmas

at the Bowling Hall of Fame
with his mother.

You don't even want to
look under that rock.

And that-- That brings us to
this lovely lady right here.

A woman with no job,
no husband.

She's all dressed up to fly off
to Boston, so some cleaning lady

can sneak her into a party
through the doggy door.

What is that?
What is that?

And th-- That leads us
to the sister, my fiancée,

a woman so insecure
and neurotic,

that she is willing to ruin

our first Christmas together
because I got a lousy

Christmas card
from my ex-girlfriend.

That's normal. Uh-huh.

So, Bob, what I'm trying
to say is, you know,

y-your life really,
really isn't that bad.

( stammers )

You want to
know the truth?

You got more going for you
than all of them.

So-- Come on,
what do you say?

Now, give me the g*n.

PHOEBE:
Please, Bob.

Give him the g*n.

( sighs )

( exhales )

JOE:
Okay.

Hey. Wh-- What are you
looking at me like that for?

I got the g*n!

I got the g*n!

Freeze, police!

Freeze!

JOE:
Uh. Hey, hey, hey.

( stammers )

No, no, no. Uh, come on,
everyone,

tell 'em I'm not the guy.

Hey. Hey, hey.
Um, come on.

Please, come on.

Tell 'em.

( instrumental "Jingle Bells"
playing over radio )
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