06x18 - Gone But Not Faygotten

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Moon River

Wider than the Nile

My bother's name is Lyle

Okay

Lowell, wo--
Would you cut that out?

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.
It's just the lyrics.

They're so haunting.

Uh, Joe.

Something very important
has come up,

and I need
the afternoon off.

What's wrong? Are you okay?

I-I wanna go to the circus.

The circus?

Um, well, Fay, all our
regular flights are booked.

We have a charter
this afternoon.

There's all this
paperwork.

I-I'll give you
a moment to think it over.

Joe, you'd better
give her what she wants.

Never underestimate
the lure of the big top.

Smell of the peanuts,
smell of the popcorn,

smell of that little car
when all 17 clowns pile out.

Lowell, how would you know--?

Wrong place. Wrong time.

Enough said.

( door opens )

Well,
what have you decided?

Well, Fay, I just can't let
you have the afternoon off

to go to the circus.

Okay, I understand.

I quit.

( upbeat theme playing )

Fay, this is ridiculous.

Hey, what's going on?

W-well, I-I'm 62 years old,

and I've never
been to the circus.

What's going on is
I wanna to the circus,

and Joe won't let me.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't blame him.
It is a school night.

Brian, look, you're not helping.

Fay just quit because
I wouldn't let her go.

Well, no, i-it's really
not just about the circus.

I mean, I've been thinking
about it for months.

Uh, I'm not getting any younger,

and there are a lot of
things I wanna do,

um, like go on a cruise,
uh, maybe take a few classes,

work in my garden. I mean--

Honey, maybe you
just need a vacation.

No, I need more
than a vacation.

I've been working
since I was 20, and--

And-- And I just think it may be
the right time for me to retire.

Uh, no way. No way.
You can't retire.

But, Brian,
my mind's made up.

No, I mean, on what we pay you,
there is no way you can retire.

I can't believe this, Fay.

You've been here
from the beginning.

Remember,
we started with nothing.

It was just you and me.
And now look at us.

It's you, me...

and Brian.

Without you, company picnics
will be really dull.

Isn't there anything we can do
to make you change your mind?

No, I'm afraid not.

It's-- It's time for me
to move on with my life.

I don't know what to say.
We're gonna miss you.

Fay, listen, uh, a few tips
about going to the circus.

Get there early
to avoid the crowds.

Uh, don't fill up
on cotton candy.

And don't sit up front.

Uh, the clowns
will mess with your mind.

( circusy theme playing )

I just can't bear the thought
of Fay retiring.

Ah, I'm gonna miss her.

Her sweet smile
and her cheery voice.

Just-- Just seeing her
every morning, year after year,

has made my life
a little more special.

Oh. By the way, here's
what you owe for the party.

What? I hardly know the woman.

Wow.

A party like this
only means one thing:

You got change back
from your 20.

Hey, Fay would wanna
leave Sandpiper

just the way
she came in.

Drunk?

That was first day jitters.

No, I meant plain, simple,
not a lot of fanfare.

Well, you nailed it.
( door opens )

JOE:
Oh, ooh, good.
Lowell's got the cake.

Let's...

( grunts )
( chuckles )

Lowell, this was supposed
to say "Good luck, Fay."

Instead it's just
a lot of squiggly lines.

Well, ahem,

actually the bakery
made a Magic Eye 3-D cake.

You know, all you have
to do is relax your eyes,

focus on the cake, and an--
And an image of Fay will appear.

I don't see it.
I don't see it.

I don't-- Oh, God.
She's naked as a jaybird.

Yeah, I was wondering
what they were doing

with all those sprinkles.

Hi.

Oh, wow. Casey,
those are beautiful.

Wow, you went all out.

Well, it's the least I could do.

In the short time
that I've known Fay,

I've grown
quite fond of her.

Oh, that makes me feel bad.
I didn't get her anything.

Well, actually,
you did.

Here's your credit card back.

Oh, my God.

Can't we have just one party
on this island

without the big sandwich?

I mean, by now even you people
should be sick of it.

Y-- Oh-ho-ho, wow.

When you said
you were going all out,

I figured
the All-American.

Maybe the Fiesta.

I never dreamed
you'd spring for...

the Cordova.

Okay,
let's get Fay in here

and get the party
started, huh?

Shhh, keep your voice down.
She's gonna hear you.

No, no, she won't.

I sent her out
to shovel the slush

off the runway.

What?!
You sent a woman her age

out in the cold
to do manual labor?

Hey, I didn't wanna
ruin the surprise.

It's her day.

( knock on door )

Shh. There she is.
Oh, come in.

All right,
I'm finished shov--

ALL:
Surprise!

Oh, my goodness.

Is this
a retirement party?

Oh, I'm so touched.

( gasps )

The Cordova.

Speech, speech, speech.
Now, now, wait, wait, wait.

Before you all get started,
I-- I have something to say.

( clears throat )

This party has got
dull written all over it.

So I'll just take
a hunk of this to go.

See you, Cochran.

Well, listen, uh,

instead of giving the same
old boring farewell speech,

I thought it would be fun
if we roasted Fay.

Hey. Okay?

Uh, I'll start.
I'll start.

Uh, "Boy, that Fay.

"How about her breath
after lunch?

It's-- It's bad."

Uh, Lowell.
Lowell--

"And-- And how about
the way she dresses?

It's just bad."

No, Lowell--

"And have you ever driven
in a car with her?

"She drives bad.

"Fay, I think I speak
for all of us when I say,

you're really bad."

( chuckles )

Fay, um, there is something that
Brian and I would like to say.

That's right.

You-- You've always
been very special to us.

You've been here since
the beginning, and honestly,

without you, I don't think there
would have been a Sandpiper.

That's right, Fay.
You're the--

You're the heart and soul
of this airline,

and, um, we don't know
what we're gonna do without you.

Just know that no one
could ever replace you.

Excuse me.
I'm here about the job.

Ahem. Yeah,
I'll be there in one minute.

So here.
Just a little gift.

It's a necklace with an airplane
on it. Love you.

Uh. So, um, how about
a few words, Fay?

Oh, no, I couldn't.
Okay, let's eat.

Oh, a-a-although I suppose
a few words would be in order.

Uh, it all started in a
two-story row house in Syracuse.

Today they call them townhouses.

In-- In New York
they call them brownstones--

Oh, that's beautiful.
Let's eat.
Okay.

Before we start, could you
tell me what the position pays?

Absolutely.
I think that you'll find

our salary is very competitive
in today's marketplace.

( laughing )

We'll let you know.

FAY:
My very first trip
on an airplane was to Albany.

Or was it Buffalo?

Oh, really? I never knew that.
I'll be right back.

sh**t me.

Well, what happened
with the woman?

Ah, we were pretty
far apart on the money.

Mm,
she wanted some?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Helen, what am I gonna do?

I-- You know, she was the only
one that answered the ad.

Fay is leaving.
I need someone today.

Worry no more.

I have the perfect
person for the job.

Really? Who?

Casey.

No. No, no, no.

Why not?

Well, eh, to steal a line
from Lowell: she's bad.

Joe, she's smart,
she's a quick learner,

and she just needs somebody
to give her a chance.

Look, Helen, even if I had
a severe lapse in judgment

and agreed to it,
she makes Brian nuts.

I'd never be able
to get him to agree to it.

FAY:
Let's jump ahead to 1984.
Reagan was reelected,

and a plucky
former stewardess...

Woman's lived for many years,
not one interesting story.

Not one.

How'd the interview go?

Uh, well,
she laughed at the salary.

She laughed
at the salary, huh?

Must have wet herself when you
got to the benefits, huh?

Okay, well, um,
I'll leave you two alone

'cause I know you have
some business to discuss.

Hey, uh, Brian,
what do you think about Casey?

Ugh! I didn't want her
to come to the party either.

Well, what do you want me to do?
Want me to kick her out?

Okay. I can--
I can do it quietly.

No. No, no, no.

No, um...I'm thinking
maybe we should ask her

if, uh, she wants
to take Fay's old job.

Are you out of your--?
What? Casey? Ugh!

Well, why not? She's--

She's smart,
she's a quick learner.

She just needs someone
to take a chance on her.

Look, she'll never
take the job anyway.

FAY:
And when he said New Bedford,

I thought he said
New Hartford.

( laughs )

I laughed
till my sides ached.

( laughs )

Casey, uh, could we see
you for a second, please?

( Fay, Lowell laughing )

Freedom.

Well, what is it?

Fay was just gonna
tell us about the time

that she served
Jan Murray a kosher meal.

Well, uh, Casey,
I wanted to ask you something.

Uh, we were wondering if,
um, uh...
Come on, come on.

Come on, it's like ripping
off a Band-Aid. Do it quick.

You wouldn't wanna work
for me and Brian, would you?

Work for you?

Are you serious?

Right. Stupid idea.
Enough said.

Oh, I'm flattered.
Um, yeah, of course I will.

Y-yeah, but-- But--

But, uh, we didn't even
tell you about the salary.

Well, that doesn't matter.

What's important
is that you think enough of me

to take a chance on someone with
no qualifications, no experience

and no training.

Um, say something, Joe.

Welcome to Sandpiper.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi.

Oh, I see your final destination
is New Orleans.

Well, that
is a beautiful city.

Now, you make sure
to ride the streetcars

to the Garden District
so you can take a walking tour

of the homes. Okay?

Bye-bye, now.

So, Joe,
what do you think?

She's great.

And who was right about it?

Aw, come on, Helen. Don't make--
Who was right?

Aren't you being a little--?
Who was right?

You were.
Thank you.

Well, gotta go.

You just reminded me.
I gotta get my dog fixed.

Hey, Joe, uh,
I don't know about Casey.

I think she's
alienating the passengers.

You think
she's really doing okay?

You kidding me?
She's bright, she's efficient.

If she knew how to fly,
I'd dump you in a heartbeat.

She's-- She's been
here for three days,

and she's--
She's changed everything.

Oh, yeah, that's right. She's
updated our ticketing system.

She's put all
our files on the computer.

And she's even scraped
your spitballs off the ceiling.

And on
whose authority?

Woman's a climber, Joe.

I miss Fay. She wasn't
ambitious or efficient.

Yeah, I gotta admit,

it is kind of strange looking
over there and not seeing Fay.

Wonder where she is right now.

Pfft, you kidding?
She's probably on some cruise,

sipping mai tais,
sitting in a hot tub.

Please, please.

I'm getting another
cake flashback.

Hey, hey.

You guys have
gotta listen to this.

I made a tape
of Fay's last days.

It's a collection of her
quaint sayings, bits of humor,

uh, you know,
anecdotes.

I call it: "The Best of Fay."

Here-- Here's
one of my favorites.

FAY:
Lowell, watch the counter
for a second.

I've gotta hit the head.

Lowell, did you do
the preflight check?

Oh! Oh, you know what? Uh,
the altimeter's on the blink,

and I can't get another one
until tomorrow.

Aw, damn. All right.

Well, go tell Casey
to cancel the flight.

Roger.

Oh, this is great.
This is great.

N-not only are we
out of business for the day,

but now the passengers
are gonna be furious.

We got--
We gotta bail Casey out.

She's never gonna
be able to handle this.

Attention, Sandpiper passengers,
I have an announcement.

Hey, hey, she's talking.
Take it outside.

Go ahead, honey.

Sandpiper
regretfully announces

that due to
unforeseen circumstances,

Flight 19 to Boston
has been cancelled.

However, if you will
follow me to Aeromass,

I will be happy
to assist you

in making
alternate arrangements.

I guess
she did okay.

Okay? Yeah, right. I remember
Fay's first cancellation.

I believe her exact words were:

"Uh, now, do you wanna
be late, Mrs. Carter,

or do you wanna be
the late Mrs. Carter?"

Well, I booked all of
our customers on Aeromass

and gave them
50-percent-off vouchers

for the next Sandpiper flight.

Vouchers?

You don't get vouchers
if we crash.

Well, excuse me if I'm wrong,

but it just occurred to me
that it was worth the discount

to keep them on
as loyal customers.

And it seems to be working,

'cause one of the passengers
was so grateful that he gave me

these Celtics-Knicks tickets
for tonight.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, okay.
I see.

So, uh, because
we're grounded,

you think you can
just take off early

and go to a basketball game?
If you'd let me finish,

I was going to say
I'm giving them to you and Joe.

( laughing ):
Oh, really?

If we cut out now,
we can make the opening tip-off.

Let's grab a seat on Aeromass.

Well, uh, that's
not going to work,

because I put our passengers

on that flight
and it's all sold out.

Oh, great.

We get tickets
to the Celtics game--

What, it starts in two hours.
What are we gonna do?

There's a 5:00 ferry to Boston.

You'll make it
in plenty of time.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Hey, what do you say we drop
a few bucks on the game, huh?

Yeah, well, that's a great idea,
but who are we gonna take?

Ewing's out with a sprained
ankle, and Oakley's in a slump.

Take the Celtics,
skip the points.

Okay, break's over.
Get back to work.

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blowing )

Would you move it?
I don't wanna miss the ferry.

Listen, will you relax?

We're ten minutes early,
for crying out loud.

Besides, I don't get a
runs-like-a-Swiss-watch feeling

out of this place.

What did you bring these
binoculars for?
Hey-hey.

We got floor seats. We're
five feet away from the action.

Yeah. So how else am
I gonna look at the cheerleaders

when they're on
the other side of the court?

As your big brother, let me give
you a little advice: grow up.

Hey, Earl, will you take
my 6:00 ferry tomorrow night?

I got a hot date.

A little advice
from your big brother.

You should get married like
I did and settle down already.

Hey, I settle down
every night. Get it?

Why can't you grow up and--?
And take life more serious?

You can't get by
forever on your looks.

Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

Those guys remind
you of someone?

No. What are you
talking about?

Hey, let me have some change.
I wanna get some candy.

FAY ( over PA ):
Attention,
Wind Surfer passengers.

Ferry 3 to Boston
is departing from Pier 1.

Now, she looks familiar.

Fay?

Hey, Joe. Hi, Brian.

Fay. Fay, what
are you doing here?

We-- We thought--
We thought you retired.

Oh, well, I was going
to go on a cruise,

and-- And then
it was all booked up,

so I had a little
extra time on my hands,

and this wonderful
opportunity came along.

Uh, Fay, we got another dead
squid stuck in the engine.

We're gonna have to dangle you
over the side again.

Um, it's-- It's--
It's not as bad as it sounds.

Uh, so, uh, what--?
What are you two doing here?

Well, we're just
going to the Celtics game.

The plane's down.

Fay, what are you doing
working in a place like this?

Well, I-I know that it doesn't
look like much on the surface,

but-- But this job
is really fulfilling.

Time for your wetsuit, Fay.

Fay, come on.

Wh-what is going on? The truth.

W-- I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, come on.

Standing behind
a counter in a terminal

making stupid
announcements.

I mean, what kind
of life is that?

Oh, well-- Well, I, um...

Um...

Well, I-I mean, it--
It turns out

that retirement isn't all
that I thought it would be.

I mean, I imagined I'd be doing
all these wonderful things,

and the truth is
after a few days

I-- I didn't know
what to do with myself.

I was lonely,
and I missed everybody.

( sighs ):
So why didn't you
just come to us?

Oh, how could I?
I was so embarrassed.

I mean, I-I made
that big fuss about retiring.

And-- And you threw me
that wonderful party,

and everybody got
so teary-eyed at my speech.

Mmm.

Yeah, the second hour
was particularly moving.

Fay.

W-we're family.

We would do anything
in the world for you.

You would?

Oh, Fay, of course.
Anything.

I want my old job back.

( melancholy theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( inaudible )

Pssh. I hate this.

I'm no good at f*ring people,
Yeah, me either.

Why do you think
you're still working here?

I'll do it.

( clears throat )

I like it.

The look of fear
in their eyes when you say,

"Could I see you in my office?"

The way their lower lip
starts to quiver

when they know what's coming.

( chuckling )

Yeah. Hey.
Hi.

Hi. Heh-heh!
Heh-heh!

So who's gonna fire her?

Well, fair is fair.
I'll flip ya.

You're the one who wanted to
fire her since she started here.

Well, she grew on me.

I thought she was gonna
be bossy and overbearing.

All right, look,
let's both go over there.

We'll bite the b*llet
and do what we have to do.

Yeah, you're right.

This is no time to wimp out.

The one thing we do know
is we can't keep 'em both.

( melancholy theme playing )

FAY ( over PA ):
Attention,
Sandpiper passengers.

Flight 20 is now
boarding at Gate...

One.

BOTH ( in unison ):
Have a nice day.

Hey, guys. Heh-heh.

I just heard
a great joke.

How many Sandpiper
employees does it take

to change a light bulb?

Four.
Two to change the bulb

and two other idiots
to pay 'em for doing it.

You know what, Roy? That is the
difference between you and us.

At Sandpiper, we're not
just about the bottom line.

We're about family.

And, uh, just like family,
they're bleeding us dry.

Hey, Fay.

You know,
when you left Sandpiper,

you left some
pretty big shoes behind.

Oh, thank you, Lowell.

It's nice to be missed.

No, I-- I mean you left
some pretty big shoes

behind the counter.

What the hell size
are those gunboats, anyway?

Did you want something, Lowell?

Uh, I-- Yeah, I need you
to sign this requisition.

Thanks.

Um, I was just curious.

Why did you
get to sign that?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

If you wanted to sign it
you should have

just said something.

Although I do
have seniority.

Well, that's true, you do.

Although, you did quit,
so technically,

this is your first day.

Well, the next time
you'll sign it.

I mean, it was just
a silly requisition form.

I mean, who cares?

Uh, by the way, um, I-I know
that we're sharing a locker now,

and I am delighted to do it.

But it is getting
a little cramped,

what with your ten different
outfits, your pedicure basin

and your facial steamer.
( scoffs )

Well, if you'd just
remove your clodhoppers,

we'd have room
for a dinette set in there.

You know, not to harp,

but when you checked through
the last passengers' luggage

you didn't use my new
color-coded destination tabs.

( mockingly ):
"Color-coded
destination tabs."

My, aren't we fancy?

You know, ever since
you came back here,

you have dumped on every
improvement that I have made.

Oh, yeah? Well, l-l-let
me tell you something.

I've been working
here for ten years.

You've been here one week.

You've got a lot to learn.

Well, I've already
learned one thing:

I am sick of working with you.

Look, there isn't enough room
out there for the two of us.

One of us has to go,
and we all know who that is.

I took this rinky-dink operation
into the 20th century.

And if there's one thing
this job has showed me,

it is that I have
got talent, brains,

and I can walk into
any office anywhere,

and score a better gig
for better pay.

So for God's sake,
for once in your life,

act like men
and make a decision.

Attention,
Wind Surfer passengers,

there will be
a slight delay in the departure

of the ferry to Hyannis

while our maintenance staff

removes a dead squid
from the engine.

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighing )

Look, I cleaned your squid,
I scraped your barnacles.

I even bucketed
your chum.

But I am through. From now on,
I stay behind the counter.

I took this rinky-dink operation
into the 20th century.

And if this job
has showed me anything,

it is that I have
got talent and brains.

And that I can walk
into any office anywhere

and score a better gig
for better pay.

So for God's sakes,
for once in your life,

act like men
and make a decision.