06x19 - Ex, Lies and Videotape

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( gasps )

Oh.

Hi. What do you think?

Oh, Helen,
it's beautiful.

You know, ever since
I was a little girl,

I dreamed of a dress
just like this.

Now I have the dress,
and the boobs to go with it.

( laughs )

Uh-- Uh, but why
are you wearing it

in the middle of the airport?

It was just delivered
from New York,

and I couldn't wait
to try it on.

Oh. Ooh, uh, whatever you do,

don't let Joe
see you in it.

You know, it's bad luck
if the groom sees the bride

in her wedding dress
before the ceremony.

I know. That's why I waited
till Joe was off on his flight.

Oh, no. Th-- That flight
got in early.

He's on his way in.
No.

If he sees me,
I can't wear this dress.

Hi, Fay.
Oh, hi.

Uh, did I
get any phone calls?

Uh, yes.
Your barber called.

He wants you to confirm
your appointment for tomorrow.

My barber?

That's sort of
weird.

I just got a haircut
last week.
Out of the way.

FAY: Well, he just
realized...
Move!

...that he forgot to
even out your sideburns.

And besides,
you're getting

a little ragged around
the ears.
Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me!
Get out of my way!
All right.

I'll call him in a little while.
I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.

No, no, no!

Lowell, let me in.
( drill whirs )

LOWELL:
Just a second, Helen.

Okay, now.

Oh, Helen,
you're getting

that pretty dress
all dirty.
No.

Come on up.
No. No!

Come on up here. All right.
Ooh. Get up here.

Helen, you look beautiful.
That dress is perfect.

( crying )

Oh, nice going.

Don't you know it's
bad luck to see the bride

in her wedding dr--?

Oops.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Joe. I have
some good news.

Oh, uh, you found a new dress?

( plane flies overhead )

Oh-- Oh, honey. Okay, okay,
all right. All right.

Okay, okay. L--
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What's your good news?

Well, it turns out
that the reverend

that I really want
to marry us is available.

Oh, that's terrific.
And so he's gonna come here

to meet with us and
talk about the ceremony.

He can help us come up with
something really unique.

Uh...how unique?

Well, I was thinking maybe
a Hindu love chant--

No. Forget it. Nope. No.

No, I don't want
any of that weird

woo-woo stuff
at our wedding.

It's not
woo-woo st--

Oh. Maybe
it's a little woo-woo.

Oh, Joe,
I want woo-woo.

( claps hands )
Hey! Guess who

just got asked
to be a guest

on the Mary Pat Lee Show?

You're kidding.
Really?

Uh-huh. That's right.

They're doing a segment on men

who are smart,
sexy, and single.

( chuckles )

And they wanted you?

Actually, they were
asking about you,

but I told 'em
you were engaged.

Really?

No, but I just love
that pathetic,

hopeful look
in your eyes.

Like I really want to
be on that stupid show.

I mean, uh, only women
in curlers and housecoats

watch the Mary Pat Lee Show.

Mary Pat Lee?

Oh, I love that show.

I mean...

I only watch it
because

it comes on
after my stories.

I cannot believe that you
get to be on that show.

You're gonna be
on Mary Pat Lee?

Yes, I am.

( gasps )

They said that I can invite
all my friends

to sit in
the studio audience, so...

you guys are all invited.

( gasps )

I'm not gonna miss this.

I'll come.

Yeah, it'll be
next Thursday.

Oh, no. Thursday's the day

we have to meet
with the reverend.

Well, honey, blow him off.
I wanna see Brian on TV.

Joe, you don't blow off
a man of the cloth.

Besides, Thursday's the only
day he's available.

Oh, what's the big deal?
It's just a talk show.

Just a talk show?

Obviously,
you didn't see the one

where Mary Pat Lee
broke down on the air

and confessed that she'd once
been addicted to nose spray.

She-- She helped
so many of us that day.

( upbeat theme playing )

Fay, uh...

did Reverend Powell
call?

Oh, I don't know.
I've been swamped.
( sighs )

I'm really sorry,
but I cannot let you go

to see Brian's show.

I need someone here
to take reservations.

Well-- A-And it's
a good thing I stayed.

Uh, please everybody,
get in line.

I can only handle
one of you at a time.

Helen, look, this reverend is
already over three minutes late.

Obviously, he's
not gonna show.

So, uh, I'm just gonna
get going so I have time

to get to Boston
and see Brian's show.

HELEN:
Look, there he is.

Now, look, Joe,
this is our wedding.

Now, we're not just
gonna race through it

just because you want to
go to Brian's show.

Okay. Fine, fine. Come on.
Let's get this over with.

Uh, Reverend Powell, hi.
I'm Joe. She's Helen.

Hello.
Well, enough small talk.

Let's get this show
on the road.

Um, reverend...
( clears throat )

...we are so pleased
that you took the time

to come here and
talk with us today.

So...

You are...

getting...

married.

( mouths ):
Yup.

Tell me...

why?

Well, I love her,
she loves me.

There's not really
much more to it.

Love...

is a...

good place...

to start.

But marriage...

takes work...

and...

patience--

Patience, got it.
Anything else?

Okay?

Joe. Sweetheart.

Slow down.

You have no place to go.

I understand...

Helen.
( sighs )

I'm reminded...

of a story.

( sighs )

About a shepherd.

The shepherd...

was resting...

with his flock...

by the...side...

of the--

Road, river, silvery moon?
Um...

No.

Meadow.

Can I get you
something to drink?

A double espresso, something?

Thank you, no.

I've had...

three...

cups...

today.

I'm...

pretty...

hyper.

( grunts )

( mellow theme playing )

Oh. I can't believe

we're here
where the magic happens.

Oh, look. Look.
Right there.

Right there is where
Mary Pat broke down

and confessed she once
did a p*rn video.

And-- And over there--
Over there's where

she broke down and confessed
that she had an eating disorder.

And...right here.
Right here is where

she just broke down

and confessed
that she paid

for her tummy tuck out of
the show's petty cash.

She's human,
like the rest of us.

Damn.

What's wrong?

You know what?

Before I left
the house this morning,

I think I might have
left my iron on.

Ah. So what's the worst
that can happen?

Your house burns down,
you lose everything.

What's the big deal?

Yeah, you're right.
Let's enjoy the show.

Oh, look. Look,
there's Brian.
Hey.

There's Brian.
Hey, look. There's Mary Pat.

You must be
Brian Hackett.

Hi.
Hi. I'm Mary Pat Lee.

Uh.
Thanks for being here.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm very
flattered that you asked.

Now, what we're gonna do
is start with you.

We'll take some questions,
and then we'll bring out

some of the other guys.
Okay.

You're not nervous,
are you?

Me? No, no, no, no.
In fact, I've been on TV before.

Uh, once, when I was
2-and-a-half years old,

I was on the
Uncle Hippity-Hop Show.

I was the one
who accidentally

went to the bathroom
in the carrot patch.

( laughs )

You're great.
( mumbles )

We're gonna have fun.
Okay.

( claps hands )
( chuckles )

( energetic theme music
playing )

Hi. I'm Mary Pat Lee.

( cheering, applause )

Well, you've dated them
and hated them.

Girls, they make us
promises,

and then they
make a run for it.

Today's show,

"Men Who Can't Commit.

What the Hell
is Their Problem?"

Huh?

Who are these
commitment-phobic creeps

who crawl into your heart

and cr*ck it
wide open?

Let me introduce
our first guest...

Brian Hackett.

( all boo )

Wait, wait, wait. Th-- There
must be some mistake, uh...

I'm smart, sexy and single.

How many times have we fallen
for that line, girls?

Too many. Too many!

You-- You-- You--
You tricked me.

I-I-- I shouldn't be
on this program.

I-- I've-- I've never had
a problem with commitment

of any kind.

Oh, really?
Well, that's not what

your ex-girlfriend
tells us.

Oh, uh...how would you
know that?

Because...

she's right here.

( audience
murmuring )

Alex.

Hi, Brian.

( mellow theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

I know it hurts.

Just tell
your story.

Well, this is kind of hard.

Um...when I first met Brian,

I wasn't very interested.

But he was so persistent
and so charming

that he finally
won me over.

Oh, do I know that scene.

In fact...I have
a confession to make.

( all gasp )

My last boyfriend
pursued me for months.

And when I finally
gave myself to him,

he dumped me for my sister.

( audience
gasps )

I was devastated.

So you were saying?

Well-- We started dating.

Uh, then he wanted to
move in together.

I was a little nervous,
but he talked me into it.

Then the next thing
I knew,

he freaked
and wanted out.

So, what he did
was seduce you,

use you
and lose you.

Excuse me,
I have something to say.

Yes?

Are we ever gonna get to
smart, sexy and single,

or has that boat sailed?

This is pathetic.

I cannot stand seeing Hackett
torn apart like that.

If I was up there, she wouldn't
be getting away with this.

She'd be the one
twisting in the wind.

Mary Pat. Mary Pat. We have
a comment over here.

Shh!

All right, I just wanted to say
that all you chicks are just--

"Chicks!" What tar pit
did you crawl out of?

Well-- Well-- Uh-- Um, I...

For your information,
Org,

I am not a chick.

I am a woman who demands
to be treated with respect.

Well, actually,
what I wanted to say is--

What you wanted to
say is,

you want to see us all
barefoot and pregnant.

Well, screw that.

Now, sit down
and shut up.

Yes, ma'am.

( all applaud )

Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it.

I've got
something to say.

I'm Lowell Mather...

and I think
I left my iron on.

Anybody's--

Anybody's anywhere near
213 Church Lane in Nantucket,

uh, could you check it
for me?

Key's under the mat.
Thank you.

Brian...

talk to us.

What are you
thinking?

Tsk. What am I thinking?
I'll tell you what I'm thinking.

Uh, I'm thinking I can't
believe she did this.

I think that
this is really low.

Oh, really?

One minute you're
telling me you love me,

the next minute you're--
You're telling me

you need your space and you want
to date other people.

How's that
for low?

( audience applauds )

Sounds like
it's going great.

Oh, it is. It is. This is
one of the best shows ever.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were meeting
with that minister.

Oh, oh. You mean
Reverend Valium?

No, uh-- I ditched him
during one of his pauses.

Oh, my God.
Is that Alex?

Sir? Sir? Did you
have something to say?

Um, uh...

Yeah. Um,

I'm Brian's brother, Joe.

Joe. What do you
think

of your brother's
relationships with women?

Well, hey, what can I say?
He's a Hackett.

I mean, he's a heartbreaker.

As a matter of fact,
if you're bringing out

old girlfriends, you should have
booked a stadium. Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Joe. Joe!

Well, I think
it runs in the family.

( laughs ):
I-it sure does, baby.

Let's get back
to Brian:

a heartless heel who,
when it comes to women,

hunts 'em, hurts 'em

and humiliates 'em.

Go on, girl.

( all cheer )

Don't you people ever
break for commercials?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, Brian,
I saw the show.

Oh, God.

Oh, uh, no, no, no, no.
You were wonderful.

Uh, by the way, dear,
I have some messages for you.

You got three death threats,
ten calls from women

who think they can change you,

and an "attaboy"
from Andrew Dice Clay.

Oh, Hackett,
don't sweat it.

It could've been
worse, huh?

At least I put that
nutcracker in her place.

Listen, Roy, I hate to
point this out,

because you're the only one
who defended me,

but...she did make you cry.

Well, at least it took

the heat off you
for a while.

( crying ):
She was mean.

All right.

Excuse me one minute.

My iron. My iron.

My iron.

Fay, did you see me?
Did you see me?

Oh, yes, Antonio.
You were hard to miss.

( laughing ):
Hey, Brian, Brian--

No! No! No! No! No!

No. No, no, no, no, no.
What did I tell you?

What did I tell you
about the circle of safety?

No closer than 10 feet
at all times.

You come any closer,
I'll cut you, man.

Oh.

Come on. But it was
all in fun.

What did I really do
that was so bad?

Uh, I think it was when
you stood up and yelled,

( imitating Antonio ):
"Come on, girls, let's get him."

( laughs )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Well, well.

If it isn't Lambert.

Roy.

What are you doing
back on the island?

Oh, no, wait. Let me guess.

You've been hanging out
with those low-rent guys,

and now you're finally ready
to check into the Hotel...

Roy.

Oh, yeah. The Hotel Roy.
Hm.

That's the big hotel
where the elevator's too small,

and it never goes up.

Well, yeah-- I-- I...

( gasps )

She's mean.

Hi, Fay.

Oh, Alex. Good to see you.

Oh!

What have you been doing
with yourself all this time?

Well, when I left here,
I traveled Europe for a while.

And then when I got back,
I was the personal pilot

for a corporate CEO.

And now I'm flying the medevac
for Boston General.

What have you
been up to?

I got a bird.

So is Brian here?

Yeah, he's in the office.

Thanks.

( plane flying overhead )

( knocking at door )
If you're a woman,

I have nothing but respect
and admiration for you.

( door opens )

I take that back.

Can we talk?

( door closes )
What, uh, no camera crew?

Brian, I just came
to apologize.

Look, you didn't have to
come all the way for that.

Doesn't Hallmark
make a card that says,

"Sorry I castrated you on TV"?

Can I just explain?

A friend of mine
is a producer

for the Mary Pat Lee Show,

and I would tell her
how I, you know...

hated you.

And she told me
I needed closure.

Oh, oh, oh, okay. Uh, it all
makes perfect sense.

Uh, because you needed
closure...

you decided to trick me

into coming on to that show.

Tricking you
was not my idea.
Ss--

And believe me, I didn't know
it would get that vicious.

And you feel terrible.

Look...you knew
when we got together

that I had just gotten
out of a bad relationship.

You promised me
you would be different.

You got me to trust you

and the second I did,
you bailed.

I ba-- I ba--? Heh.

You're the one who ran out
in the middle of the night.

Do you have any idea
what that did to me?

The only reason
I didn't say goodbye

is I knew you would talk me
into staying.

Well, uh, what would have been
so wrong about that?

Because you would have
just gotten bored

and tried to weasel
out on me again.

Brian, it's a sick
pattern with you.

You only want a woman
when you can't have her.

You don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

You don't know me.

Oh, please. There's
not that much to know.

You're not that deep.

Me? Uh, you're the one who
wouldn't sleep with me one time

because I got a bad haircut.

You make me sick.
Yeah, it's mutual.

You repulse me!

Oh.
I'm glad we broke up!

No more glad than I am.

I can't believe I ever went out
with you. You're a boob.

Hey, I must have been.
I dated you, didn't I?

This is insane.
Goodbye.

No, no, no.
Good riddance!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( airplane flying overhead )

I was robbed!

Well, there's a shock.

Well, they cleaned me out, Roy.

Took the TV,
the camcorder. Everything.

Except the iron.

Which was off.

Oh-- Hey-- Oh, there you are.

Hey, uh...
( door closes )

So Fay told me that Alex
came back last night.

You two had a big fight.
What the hell happened?

I told her off.

Yeah?

I told her that
she had no damned right

dragging me
on that television show

and humiliating me like that.

I told her that I-- I never
should have had anything

to do with her
in the first place.

Good for you.

And then I slept with her.

What?

Wait, um...

We-- Let me try to
u-understand this.

You two are getting
back together?

No.

Well, then why did you
sleep with her?

What can I say?

One minute we're
screaming and yelling...

the next minute we're...

screaming and
yelling and...

S-so w-w-what
you're saying is

that you had
one last fling,

and then you both decided
to go your separate ways.

No. That's what I decided.

Now, I just have to
figure out a way

to break the news to her.

Brian. D-did you not
learn anything

from that TV show
yesterday?

What are you talking about?
Don't you get it?

Whenever you get a woman,
you don't want her.

I mean, Mary Pat Lee
was right.

You are
a commitment-phobic creep.

No. No, no. Now, you see...
( laughs )

you don't understand right now.

It's not about commitment.
It's about me and Alex.

What does that mean?

Okay, see-- See--

All right, sex--
Sex was great.

She's funny.

She's smart.
She makes me laugh.

She knows me better than
any woman I've ever been with.

But we're just not
right for each other.

Brian...

you're sick.

And you need help.

And I promise you I will
get you the top man.

The only help I need
is figuring out a way

to tell Alex that I want out.
All right. All right.

Well, then, the only advice
I can give you is, uh...

tell her the truth
and then duck,

because she could
clean your clock, man.

And she looks like she's
been working out too.

Hi, Joe.
Hi-- Hi, Alex.

Uh, how you doing?
You look great.

Thanks. I've been
working out.

Yeah.

Hi.
( door closes )

Hi. Sorry I missed you
this morning.

Hey-hey. Back at you.
( laughs )

Last night was
pretty amazing.

Mm, yeah,
about that. Listen--

Oh, yeah. I couldn't
believe

we were
together again.

Yeah. It was pretty
unbelievable, right?

Yeah. You know I just
lay there, watching you sleep,

and I realized
something.

Brian, I never thought
I would feel like this.

Uh, Alex, before you--
Before you--

No, no. No, no.
Let me finish.

No, no, Alex. Now, uh--
Uh, listen, listen--

I'm over you.

I'm--

What?

I thought that I was still
in love with you, but I'm not.

It was just...

my anger
that kept me

thinking about you
all this time,

a-a-and now that I'm not
mad anymore, I--

I guess I feel, um--
I don't know.

Like, um, tsk...

friends.

F-friends? Wait.

You're giving me
the "friends" line?

Oh. Don't get me wrong,
the sex was great.

But you and me
in a relationship.

I mean, it's just--
It's never gonna work.

You're dumping me?

But we-- We had something.

Come on, it cou--
It could work.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go, Brian.

Goodbye.

Wait, Alex.

Alex. Come on,
don't go. Don't go.

Don't go, baby.
Come on.
( door closes )

We can work this out--

Oh, I am one sick puppy.
Alex!

Alex, come back!
Come back!

( helicopter rotors whirring )
Alex!

Alex, please!

Don't go!

I need you. Come back!

Brian.
Alex, please!

Brian, look, I'm gonna make
this easy for you, all right?

Imagine if Alex
were to cut the engine,

come running
over here,

throw her arms
around you and say,

"Brian, I love you.
Marry me."

Alex!

You're cleared
for takeoff, baby!

See you!