06x20 - Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( strumming guitar )

Uh, Lowell,
have you s--

Oh! Um, sorry, Antonio.

I was just looking
for Lowell.

Oh, uh...
Uh, he's gone to lunch.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Well, actually,
I was just working

on a little song
I wrote for Casey.

You wrote a song?

Well...

Oh, how romantic.

There's not a girl
in the world

who wouldn't be thrilled

to have a song written
especially for her.

Uh-huh, I know.

Would you--
Would you like to hear it?

Oh, please!

It goes a little something
like this.

When I see Casey

I see such charm

I'll win the race-y

With her on my arm

When I see Casey

I see it all

She's satin and lacy

With red hair
Like Lucille Ball

Like Desi loved Lucy

( plucks strongly )

Like Hepburn loved Tracy

( plucks strongly )

Ella, Count Basie

( plucks strongly )

Cagney and Lacey

( plucks strongly )

And Donald and Daisy

Dahhhh

So, Fay. What--

What do you think?

It's lovely.
Oh.

( lively theme playing )

Hey, Brian.
Yeah?

Pretend I'm not here,
all right?

I'm burning off this roll,

so, uh, just act natural.
Okay.

Would you quit
screwing around?

I just wanna...
Okay, okay, okay.

All right, you know what?
Just forget it.

All right,
suit yourself.

Thanks a lot
for your cooperation.

Uh, Joe, the computer's
on the blink again.

Would you take
a look at it?

( door closes )

Natural, huh?

I'll give you natural.

Smile!

( door opens )

Hey, uh...

Listen, I'm sorry
I gave you such a hard time.

Um, I took a picture
of myself for you.

You didn't make
a goofy face, did you?

( scoffs )

Grow up.

( lively theme playing )

My, that cake
looks delicious.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I sure hope
it cheers Casey up.

This is her first birthday
since her husband left her,

and she has been
really depressed.

Well, this little party
should be

just what
the doctor ordered.

Actually,
what the doctor ordered

was mood elevators.

Oh, you know,
those things really work!

I'm not late
for the party, am I?

No, Casey isn't
even here yet.

Oh, good.

Oh, I hope she likes
my present.

And please don't even
ask what it cost.

What'd you get her?

A pair of $200 earrings.

Hey, Joe, Brian,
get out here!

Put your party
faces on!

All right,
let's get this over with.

What'd you get her?

A book.
What book?

I don't know,
a white one.

Grabbed it off my shelf.

You got her
a used book?

That is so cheap.
Oh, really?

So, uh, what did you
get her, huh?

Can I go halfsies with you?
( scoffs )

Okay, everybody.
Gather around.

She's gonna be here
any minute.

Helen, just
calm down.

It's just another lame

office birthday party.

You know,
would it k*ll you guys

to show a little enthusiasm

for my sister's birthday?

Oh, hi, everybody.

ALL ( meekly ):
Surprise.

Oh, Helen, I--

I told you
I didn't want a party.

Oh, now, come on.

You love to celebrate
your birthday.

Oh, right.
What should we celebrate?

That my husband left me?

Or that I have no job,
no future,

and absolutely no purpose
in life?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Okay. Time for
presents.

Ohh.
Oh.

Here you are,
dear.

I hope you like them.

Oh! Tacky salt and
pepper shakers.

It's a great gag gift.

Thank you, Fay.
I needed a laugh today.

They were my mother's.

Uh, here.
Uh, this is from me.

Soon as I saw it
in the store,

I thought of you.

Well...

"A Hundred and One Ways
to Pleasure a Woman."

Well...thank you, Brian,

but I don't think I'll have
much use for this.

Good, then give it
to Joe.

Did you divvy up
that cake yet?

Is that the only reason
you came out here?

Didn't you at least
give her something?

Gi-- Oh, right. Uh...

Here, happy birthday,
Casey.

What are you
doing, Roy?

You're stealing
from charity now?

It's not a real charity.
I made it up.

What are you
talking about?

I put a buck
in there every day.

And it went
to a very good cause.

Thanks to your generosity,
I now have the Playboy channel.

I'm next.
I'm next.

Here you are,
Casey.

It's a pair of gold earrings.
Cost me 200 bucks.
( gasps )

Oops! Oh, I can't believe
I let that slip.
Ha.

Oh, Antonio.
These are beautiful.

With the wrap and tax
it's 220.

Oh, man, did the party
start already?

What did I miss?

Uh, Casey doesn't
wanna be here,

Helen yelled at us,
and Fay ran off crying.

Whoo!

Sounds like
the best party yet.

Here. Happy
birthday, Casey.

Thanks, Lowell.

I-- I can't imagine
what this is.

Better not be
earrings.

It's a shoe rack.

Wow.

I-- I don't know
what to say.

Well, I do.

Trash pick-up
is Tuesday.

Lowell,
I think it's beautiful.

Thanks.

Listen, if you don't
need a shoe rack,

it also scares
squirrels.

Come on, Casey.
Let's cut the cake.

So, uh...

how'd the photograph thing
go this morning, huh?

( giggles mischievously )
Photograph thing?

Oh. Oh, you mean the--
The film?

Uh, Helen sent it off
to her parents in Phoenix.

Heh, heh.
What?

Can I-- Can I talk to you
for a second, please?

What? What, it's just
a bunch of pictures

of Helen in her
wedding dress.

Her parents are really
anxious to see them,

so they're developing
the film out there.

Right, right. So--

So Helen's parents
are developing the film?

Yeah, why?
What's the big deal?

JOE:
Picture of your what?!

( door closes )

It was a joke.

A joke?

Oh, would you lighten up?
No, no.

No, I won't, man.
Look, look--

Look, a sweet old lady
in fuzzy slippers

is gonna be sitting down
to breakfast one morning

thumbing through pictures
of her daughter

in a wedding dress...
Yeah.

...when suddenly
she comes across pictures...

( laughing )

( laughing )

Hey, listen--

Listen, if it turns out
to be a good picture,

I'll use it for
next year's Christmas card.

If I know Helen's mother,
she'll knit a cozy for it.

( laughs )

Hey, you-- You wanna hear
the funny thing.

The funniest thing is that
they're gonna think it's yours.

( laughs )

That's not funny.

sh**t me if I ever throw
another birthday party again.

Here's cake.

Uh, you'd better
tell her.

No, no, no, Brian.
No, I--

No, you tell her.

You're the one that did it.
What?

Tell me what?
Brian: Ah.

Okay, um...

All right...you know
those pictures that you--

You sent your mom? Hah.

Well, funniest thing happened...

Uh...

There's a picture of me
on that roll.

So what? They'd
love a picture of you.

Trust me, this ain't one
for the album.

I don't understand.
JOE: Oh, this is--

Come on, we--
We are all adults here.

So I'm just gonna
come out and say this.

Brian sent your mother
a picture of his hoo-hah.

What?

You sent my church-going,
cookie-baking,

muumuu-wearing mom
a picture of your penis?

Oh, ho! Whoa! Please.
( groans )

Why on earth would you do
something like that?

Eh. It's for
identification purposes.

Then we tag it

and release it
back into the wild.

I'll just call them

and tell them not to
develop the roll.

Oh, my God.

What?
What is it?

I just remembered the note
I put in with the film,

when I thought
they were gonna be

looking at pictures
of my wedding dress.

What note?

"Dear Mom and Dad,
here it is.

"I love it.

"But Joe's afraid
I'm gonna trip up it

when I walk down the aisle."

( mellow theme playing )

Oh, hi, Lowell.

Can I see you for a second?

Sure.

It's about that
shoe rack of yours.

Oh, you cut yourself
on it, didn't you?

Well, listen, take it
from somebody who knows.

Don't be a hero.
Get the tetanus sh*t.

Uh, no.

Lowell, actually
I have something

very exciting
to tell you.

I showed it to this woman
I know in New York

who owns an art gallery,
and she just flipped over it.

You were in New York, huh?

Did you spit off
the Statue of Liberty?

Not this time.

Anyway, as I was saying,

Maya runs one of the hottest
galleries in SoHo.

I mean, if she likes
what she sees,

she can give you
your own show.

Did you spit off of
the Empire State Building?

Lowell, if this woman
wants to,

she can launch you
as an artist,

and I'll represent you.

Did you spit off
the World Trade Center?

Lowell, you haven't heard
a word I've said.

Maya is very interested
in your art.

Casey, I've--

I've heard every word
that you've said,

but I can hardly call
what I do art.

I mean, art is the swirling
madness of van Gogh,

the jarring perception
of Picasso,

the mocking pop humor
of Lichtenstein.

You know, I--

I just made you a shoe rack
out of old engine parts.

Hey. I don't think we can
really call that art.

Heh-heh.

She offered me $300 for it.

You know, I might have
a mug tree

she'd find mordant
and ironic.

( lively theme playing )

Dad! Thank God
you're there.

I've been trying to
call you for three days.

Um, listen, I sent you
a roll of film by mistake,

so, uh, I need you
to send that on back to me.

Oh, really?

Uh-huh.
( laughs uncomfortably )

Uh-huh.

Okay. Well, that's
all right. Great.

Uh, Helen, say hi
to your dad for me.

Oh, Joe says hello.
And send 'em my best.

Yeah, you already did.

So...is everything
all right?

Is he sending
the pictures back?

Of course he's not
sending them back.

My mom is on the way
to the photo hut right now

to pick 'em up.

And then she's going
to Grandma's.

I don't have to worry
about Grandma, though.

She's got cataracts.

I'll just tell her
it's a picture

of my cousin's new baby.

God, what am I gonna
tell my parents?

Oh, wha--
What is the big deal?

What's the big deal?

They're gonna think
that their daughter

is marrying a weirdo.

Yeah, but how are they
gonna know it's Joe?

I mean, it could--
Might as well be anybody's.

Sure. We'll just
say, uh,

some tourist
pulled us aside and said,

"Excuse me, would you mind
taking a picture of my peepee

in front of
the lighthouse?"

( lively theme playing )

Lowell. Someone's
here to see you.

I would like you to meet
Maya Wolverton

of the Wolverton
Gallery.

Any relation?
CASEY: Oh, I see.

I forgot to tell you
about his sense of humor.

MAYA:
You know, Lowell,

I was intrigued
with that piece

that Casey
brought me.

Yeah, and here is some more
of Lowell's work.

This one
is my favorite.

I see. It does
have...

simplicity and, uh,

I suppose,
a certain innocence.

Yes, well...it was born

out of depression
and anxiety,

and a burning need
to form a human connection.

What do you call it?

Towel rack.
To--

To hang the towels that dry
the tears of all mankind.

There's also a hook here
for a loofa sponge.

( laughs )

I don't
understand.

Well, how do you
get rid of dead skin?

You know, I'm gonna be
honest with you, Lowell.

You're undisciplined, raw,
naive and wildly erratic.

Oh, yeah?

Well, those shoes
don't go with that bag.

( laughs awkwardly )

You see. Ha-ha. What he
really means by that--

No, never mind,
he's right.

They were on sale.

Listen, Lowell,
I have an artist

who just canceled a show,

and if you can get me
20 pieces by next week,

I'd like you
to fill his slot.

But I don't have--

Have the words to express
how happy he is.

Casey, call me.

We'll work out
the details.

Lowell, it was wonderful
meeting you.

And, uh, I look forward
to seeing you in New York.

LOWELL:
Okay.

And that scarf
doesn't match, either.

Lowell, isn't
this wonderful?

I guess.

You guess?

I-I mean,
don't you understand

what an amazing opportunity
this is for us?

Artists have their whole careers
and never get a show.

This just fell
right in our lap.

Yeah, but I don't have
20 pieces.

Well, that's okay.
How many do you have?

Mm.

Including
these three?

Uh-huh.

Three.
( giggles )

Well, then, I guess we're
just gonna have to get busy

and make more.

Make more.

Oh, you think it's
that easy, do you?

Huh?

Think I just gather up
engine parts

and randomly weld them
to a metal frame?

Actually, that is
what I do.

Tomorrow by 5 okay?

( lively theme playing )

Uh-- Uh, Joe.
Brian's on the phone.

He wants to know
if the picture

of his who's-its
came back yet.

Tell him no.

What's he talking about,
anyway?

Um...it's a, uh,

part for the plane.

Ohh.

I thought he was
talking about his hoo-hah.

( plane flying overhead )

Oh. Casey. Casey!

Oh, hi, Antonio.
Hi. Hi.

You know--
You know, I never realized

that you were
so interested in art.

And perhaps you're not aware
that I, too, am an artist.

Oh, uh, like Lowell.

Uh, no.
No, not at all.

No, I-- I work in a completely
different medium.

I mean,
Lowell uses things

he finds in the hangar.

I use things
I find in my cab.

Oh.
Huh?

Um. Wh-- What
do you call it?

A desperate cry
for attention.

Before.

After.

And it's before.

Okay.

After.

Hi, Lowell.

Oh, I hope
I'm not interrupting,

but I just couldn't wait
to see the new pieces.

I am so excited
about this.

Oh, you know, this one
looks very similar

to the one you were
doing yesterday.

Oh, it's part of
a series, isn't it?

They love series.

No, it's the same one.

Oh. I don't understand.

I mean, you've been in here
for three days.

What you been doing?

Um, mostly this:

Before.

After.

Before.

Okay. Where are
all the others?

The show's in
a couple of days.

What's wrong
with you?

Well, I don't know.
It's like I'm--

I don't know, I--

I'm-- Can't even think
of the word.

I'm...

Blocked?

That's it!
That's it. I'm blocked.

Oh-ho. That's been
driving me crazy.

Lowell!

You can't be
blocked, okay?

You have
17 pieces to do.

I mean, don't you realize

that this is your ticket
off of this island?

You don't wanna live
the rest of your life here.

Yeah, I do.

And I like it here.

No, no.
You want more out of life.

You want recognition
and excitement,

and a chance to prove
to your ex-husband

that you can make it
on your own!

You know what?

You're right.

I'll show that bastard.

Hey, wait a minute...

Oh, Lowell, please.

Please, come on.

We have much, much, much, much
too much riding on this

to give up now.

But Casey, I can't just
create art on demand. I--

You know, I usually
need a reason.

Like a birthday.

A birthday.
You know, a birthday.

Sure! Because
you know what?

It is always
somebody's birthday,

because right here,
today,

we have
Charlotte Bronte, uh,

Babe Ruth
and Angie Dickinson.

So make one
for Angie!

I don't think so.

You know, I made her
a pepper mill three years ago,

and I still have not received
a thank-you note.

Look, I know what
you're trying to do.

But maybe I'm just not
cut out for this.

Sure you are.

And you will work nonstop
for the next two days,

and I will be right here
by your side the entire time,

because I am here
to support you, Lowell.

And what if I still
can't do it?

I'll k*ll you.
I'll k*ll you dead.

( upbeat theme playing )

( plane flying overhead )

Oh, thanks.

( gasps )

Look. My mom sent
the pictures back.

Please, please, please
be in here.

Wedding dress.
Dress, dress--

Hello!

Well, it looks like
the family resemblance

doesn't end
with the nose. Heh.

Here, tear this up.

( winces )

Oh, I can't!

I just hope they didn't
look at them.

You know,
I know they didn't

'cause I asked them
not to.

I don't know, Helen,
listen to this.

"Dear Helen, love the dress,
love the fabric.

"You looked beautiful in it,
can't wait to see you.

"Love, Mom.

P.S. What's up
with the hoo-hah?"

( plane flying overhead )

Oh. Oh, uh, Casey, could I
talk to you for a minute?

Sorry, I'm in a hurry.
No, no, no. I know.

It'll only take a minute.
It's about Lowell.

Oh, God! He didn't get
out of the hangar, did he?

No, he's still there.

In fact, he's been
there all night.

Well, of course he has.
He's a dedicated artist.

Yeah. Well, look.

Uh, maybe this is
none of my business,

but don't you think you might be
pushing him a little too hard?

Oh, Fay.

Thank you
for your concern,

but I don't think
you understand

the artistic process.

I mean, you only
see Lowell as a--

As a nice,
easygoing mechanic.

But I'm finding a side of him
that no one ever has.

( grunts )

Okay, talk to me.

Okay...uh, speak to me.

Reveal yourselves.

Lowell.

Okay. Which one of you
said that?

Uh.

No, it's just me,
Casey.

Oh-ho, Casey!
Hm.

Hey-hey, how many of those
diet colas have you had?

Well, let's see.
The machine holds 40...

Eighty!

Uh...hey...

Hey, look, I wanna show you

some of the things
I've been working on.

Um...I'm particularly proud
of this piece.

Uh, the cool thing is,

I pushed 'em all into place
with my nose.

Okay, Lowell,
now--

Now you're starting
to scare me.

Are you sure
you're all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Let me show you
some more of my work.

Come on!

Okay. This is a piece
I've been working on.

It's called Nude Descending
a Staircase...

with a Diet Cola.

Okay.

And then this one is, uh,
Madonna and Child...

with a Diet Cola.

Heh. And, uh, this one
is, uh, The Thinker...

All Hopped Up on Diet Cola.

And this one's
Untitled...

Thank God.

...With a Diet Cola.

Okay, you know what?
You-- You need to calm down.

Here, just--
Ah! But I-- I-I--

I am calm! But you know what?

I-- I-- I'm a little thirsty.

Um, can I borrow
40 or 50 quarters?

No, no. You don't need
any more of this.

You know, all you need
to do is just rest.

But, Casey, the show.

The show.

Lowell Mather
is not a quitter.

You know what, Lowell,
look, um...

I just decided...

there's not
gonna be a show.

I'm-- I'm just gonna
call Maya

and cancel the whole thing.

Really?

Thank God.

I'm going to sleep now.

Oh, look.

Um, before you go...

can I just tell you
that, um...

I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Well, for using you
the way I did.

I mean, I didn't even stop
to think about your feelings.

I just thought of myself.

Aw, come on.

Don't b*at yourself up.

So you don't think
I used you?

No, of course you used me.

I mean, you rode me
like a circus elephant.

Yeah. I'm okay.

You know. Are you okay?

Well, I've been better.

Look...Casey.

You know, you saw
my shoe rack as art.

Most people don't even
see it as a shoe rack. Hm.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you-- You--
You accomplished something.

I mean, you got a famous
New York art gallery owner

to give a show to
a completely unknown artist.

I mean...that's--
That's something.

Yeah, I guess I did
do that.

And you know,
there's a bunch more

positive thoughts

ricocheting around
inside my skull,

but, uh, I'm just
too damned freaked out

to figure 'em out.
( laughs )

No. No. Thanks, Lowell.

I mean, I-- I got it,
you know. I--

And who knows?
Maybe, uh, my career in art

is just starting now,
even though--

Even though yours
is ending. Ha-ha.

Yeah. Well, you know,
Joe's gonna be thrilled.

Why's that?

Well, now I can put
the plane back together.

( lively theme playing )

Uh, Casey.

I-I know how
disappointed you must be

about Lowell's show.

Uh, is there anything
I can do to cheer you up?

Oh, thanks, Fay,
but...I'll be okay.

Uh. Hi, Casey.

Um, I heard you were
a little down in the dumps.

So, uh...
Well, I wrote you a song.

And I-- I was going to save it
for, uh, another occasion,

but, uh...

seems like
the perfect time.

Well, thank you, Antonio.

That's very sweet of you.

Well, um...

It goes a little something
like this:

( plucks loudly )
( softly ):
Ow.

Desi loved Lucy

( plucks loudly )

And Hepburn loved Tracy

( plucks loudly )

And Ella, Count Basie

( plucks loudly )

And Cagney and Lacey

( plucks loudly )

Donald and Daisy

Dahhhh