06x23 - Nuptials Off

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Antonio.
Whoo, you look nice.

Ah. Thank you, Helen.

I've just come from
the christening

of my cousin Vincenzo's
new baby.

Hm.

( screams )
Ah.

I know. I know he's, uh--

It's not a handsome child.

But...

I am bound by God
to love it. Heh.

I'm the godfather,

so it is my duty to see the baby
is raised as a good Catholic.

Hm. That's
a big responsibility.

Yes. Especially
for a man

who hasn't seen
the inside of a church

since Sally Field was a nun.

You know?

But that's all going to
change. From now on,

I go to Mass every week.

You know,
good for you.
Yeah.

Not enough people
realize

how important religion is
in your life.

Yeah.
I mean,

without a strong
spiritual connection,

what does life
really mean?

What--? What religion
are you?

Oh, I don't know.
Some sort of Protestant.

( upbeat theme playing )

( plane flying overhead )

Oh, my God, Lowell.
You look terrible.

Your eyes are glazed.

There's sweat pouring off
your forehead.

Oh. That's not
the half of it.

I've got 103 temperature,
I'm seeing double...

and I've got a bad case
of the shakes.

Lowell, I-- I don't think you
should be at work today.

Hey. I'm a Mather.

And as a Mather, I have
a family tradition to uphold.

No Mather has ever
missed a day of work.

Take my uncle, Hekikiah.

Worked in a meat-processing
plant his entire life.

Even the day
he sliced off his thumb,

he-- He didn't
leave his post.

Ooh. Uh, uh, did they get
his thumb re-attached?

Nope. Never found it.

They think it ended up
as a Cajun hotlink.

( door opens )

( plane flying overhead )

Helen.
Yeah?

I need to talk to you.
Oh, can it wait, Joe?

I'm in the middle--
It's very important.

It sounds serious.
Yes, it is.

Helen, ahem. We're getting
married in five weeks.

You did not order the "Joe and
Helen" cocktail napkins.

Cocktail napkins?

I know it sounds silly,
but it's really about

a lot more than
just cocktail napkins.

Oh, no.
The binder's back.

Look...

We agreed to share
responsibility

for planning
this wedding.

I have held up my end
of the deal. You see?

See, look, I booked
the reception hall,

arranged for the caterer.

I got the oxygen t*nk
for the balloons...

or Aunt Lily.

All I have asked you to do
is handle a few minor details.

Okay. You're right,
Joe. I'm sorry.

I've just been
really busy.

You know, I'm not
a psychologist, but, uh...

could there be
some underlying reason

why you're not taking care
of these things?

What do you mean?
Well...

maybe you're not doing things
because deep down

there's part of you that
doesn't wanna get married.

Are you crazy?

Where on earth did you
get an idea like that?

Modern Bride magazine.

Oh.

"Ten Ways to Tell
if He Has Cold Feet."

Why are you reading
Modern Bride?

Well, I'd read Modern Groom,
but they don't have one.

Look, Joe...

for you to even think...
( sighs )

...that I have doubts about
marrying you is ridiculous.

I love you and I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

So come hell or high water,
we are getting married May 27th.

Oh, honey, I'm s--
I'm sorry.

I guess I just needed
to hear that. Um...

I'm going nuts with
all these wedding plans.

That's okay.

Well, I'll see you later.

Where you going?
Oh, I gotta go downtown

and get the, uh, application
for our marriage license.

Oh, let me
do it.

Now, Helen, this is
really important.

Are you sure you don't
want me to do it?

No, Joe.

Just to show you
how much I love you,

I want to go get
our marriage license.

Okay. Thanks.

That'll be a big help.
Okay.

Hey, Joe. Joe,
look at this.

Aah!

What is that?
Uh...

It's, uh--
It's my godchild.

Cute kid.
Yeah.

( upbeat theme playing )

Brian. Brian, I-- I want to
show you something.

Ahh. I heard about
that picture, man.

Keep it in the bag.
Hm.

No, no, no.

It's not that.

No, you see. I--

I've recently returned
to the Church.
Yeah.

So I-- I bought a little
something to keep in my cab

as a daily reminder
of my newfound faith.

Mm-hm.

It's a Virgin Mary
air freshener.

It comes in sandalwood,
musk and new-car smell.

Oh.

Yeah.
Huh?

Yeah, that's cool.
Listen,

if you ever come across
any of the apostles in jasmine,

would you grab me one?

( Antonio speaks
indistinctly )

Antonio. Can I talk
to you a second?

Yeah, well,
I was just show--

Sure. Sure.

Remember that little favor
I did for you?

Marrying you so you could
stay in the country?

Well, of course. And I'm
forever grateful to you.

Yeah, well, I went down
to get my application

for my marriage license,
and they wouldn't give me one.

Why? Because I'm still
married to you.

No, you're not.
We got a divorce.

Well, not according
to the town clerk.

Somebody forgot to
send in the divorce papers.

Oh, don't look at me.
You were supposed to send them.

Me?
Yes. Don't you remember?

We were sitting right here
drinking champagne

to celebrate the divorce.

You spilled your glass
on the papers,

so you put them
under the cash register

to flatten them out
before you mailed them.

That is the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard.

Are you saying
that our divorce papers

have been sitting under
this cash register

for three years?

Oh, my God.

( gasps )

Good news. They're flat.

( lively theme playing )

Oh. What am I
gonna do?

Helen, what's
the big deal?

Just send in
the divorce papers.

It's too late.
I already checked.

It takes 120 days to get
a divorce in Massachusetts.

And Joe and I are supposed to
get married in a month.

Oh, all right.
R-relax. Relax.

Just tell Joe what happened.
He'll understand.

Oh, really? He flipped out
over cocktail napkins.

How's he
gonna react

when he finds out
I forgot to get divorced?

Ah. I think I know
what you should do.

Oh, what, what, what?

Pray.

To an air freshener?

Listen to me.
When you have a problem,

and there seems to be
no honorable,

legal or moral
way out,

there's only one place
to turn.

You're right.

Oh, Roy.

It scares me to
say this, but...

I need you.

( laughs )

I knew you'd come around
eventually.

What turned you?

The new jacket?

And the new
cologne?

Or was it that just once,
before you get married,

you want to be bad?

Where's that
air freshener?

All right.
All right.

What is it, Chappel?

Okay, remember when
I married Antonio

so he wouldn't be deported?

Well, I forgot to
send in the divorce papers.

And now I don't have
enough time to get divorced

so I can get married.

( whistles )

You did the right thing
coming to me.

Oh, Roy,
what am I gonna do?

Thinking...
( snaps )

Thinking...

Okay.

You gotta leave the country
to get a quickie divorce

without Joe knowing it.

Mexico.

Now, how am I gonna go to Mexico
without Joe knowing?

We gotta find a way to
get rid of Joe for the weekend.

Oh, I couldn't lie to him.

If you're gonna tie my hands...

Oh. Okay.
Okay, sorry. What?

Okay. Give me a-- A favorite
place he likes to go...

or thing he likes to do.

Something he would
never turn down.

Um, fly-fishing.

( laughs ):
Fly-fishing.

What a rube.

Okay.

Book him a cabin for the weekend
somewhere far away.

( snaps )
Tell him it's a wedding gift.

Then after Joe's gone,

get Brian to fly you to Mexico
to the town of Tampico.

Go to Señor Pepe.

Wait. How will
I find him?

( laughs )

He'll find you.

( lively theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Uh, Joe. Honey?

Um...I've been
thinking about

what you said this morning.

And just to show you
how much I love you,

I've got a little
surprise for you.

Really?

What did you have
in mind?

Fly-fishing.
Mm-hm.

Okay, baby, if that's
what you want to call it.

Oh. Uh...

No. Really, Joe.

I am sending you
to Maine.

I have booked reservations
at the Brownsville Lodge

at Pleasant River.

Pleasant River?

Oh-- Why didn't you say so?
That's even better.

Um, it's my present to you
for all the hard work

you've put into
our wedding preparations.

Helen. Oh, Helen.

I don't know what to say.
This is great.

I got these new hand-tied flies
I want to try.

Oh, good. Hand-tied flies.
Good for you.

Wait a minute. Wait a sec--
Wait a minute.

I-- I can't--
I can't go.

Uh, believe me,
Joe, you can go.

No, but, Helen, come on,
what about work?

We've got Lowell sick
as a dog.

I got all this stuff
I have to do for the wedding.

Oh, I'll do all that.
Yeah, but, Helen, you know,

the seating chart,
the band,

the photographer--
Where's my binder?

Uh...J-Joe, relax, and--

And imagine yourself
knee-deep in water

with those big old boots on,
you know,

doing whatever the hell it is
you do with the pole

when you stick it in the water
and the fish come up.

Okay. You're right.
You're right. I'm going.

Okay, good.
I'll--

Hey. Fay,
guess what.

I'm going
fly-fishing.

You could at least have
the decency to lock the door.

( door closes )

( plane flying overhead )

So how did it go?

You were right.
He didn't suspect a thing.

But I got to tell you,
I feel kind of slimy.

Ha-ha. It's intoxicating,
isn't it?

So did you get Brian on board

to fly you and Antonio
to Mexico?

Brian, a weekend in Mexico?
( snaps )

That'll be a piece of cake.
( chuckles )

Hey. Brian.

Don't make any plans
for this weekend.

You, me...

fly-fishing
in Maine.

All right.
I'm there!

Uh, no. You can't
go with him.

Why not?
Because.

Uh-- Fly-fishing
is something

that you do
by yourself.

Um, don't you remember
that movie?

What was the name
of it?

A River Runs
Through It.

It's about two brothers
fly-fishing.

All right.
It was a bad example.

So when are we going?
When are we going?

JOE:
Um, I guess we could--

Um...who's gonna take
the weekend flights?

Ah, who cares
about them?

Roy does.

Oh, n-- Oh, no.
You know what?

What?
She's right.

We can't just hand over all
our weekend business to Roy.

Oh, come on.
No, l--
Look-- Look, I'm sorry, man.

You're gonna
have to stay.
Aww.

We can not cancel all
the weekend flights.

Brian, cancel all
the weekend flights.

What?
Still married to Antonio,

sending Joe out of town,

flying to Mexico
for a quickie divorce,

Joe will never know.

You went to Roy,
didn't you?

All right, I'm in.
When are we leaving?

Okay. Joe leaves
before dawn...

so...we leave
at first light.

First light? What are we,
Lewis and Clark?

Brian.

All right, all right,
all right.

Meet you tomorrow morning
around first light-ish.

Boy. That was close.
But this is gonna work.

Listen, Roy, if there's ever
anything I can do for you.

Ah, ah-- When you
get to Mexico,

give Señor Pepe
a message:

tell him,
"The donkey has d*ed."

Ah, Helen, listen.
Listen.

I was just talking
to the priest.

Yeah, that's swell.
Listen. Pack a bag.

We're leaving tomorrow for
Mexico to get a quickie divorce.

Well, whatever you say,
but there's just one thing.

Thing? What thing?
There is no thing.

Well, um, before
I get a divorce,

I must get an annulment
from the Catholic Church.

Okay, fine. Fine.
We'll get an annulment.

I mean, how difficult
can that be?

Not too difficult.

It just has to be
granted by the pope.

The pope? In Rome?

Uh, well, I think, actually,
this week he's on the road.

I don't understand.

Three years ago, when we were
gonna get a divorce,

you didn't have this problem.

Well, I'm not the same man
you married.

Look, why don't you just
tell the priest the truth.

We didn't get married
in the Catholic Church,

and we only got married so
you wouldn't get deported.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Tell him
that I made a mockery

of the sacrament
of marriage?

Yeah. Why don't you just-- Just
put me in an overnight pouch

and FedEx me
straight to hell?

Okay. W-what
do we gotta do?

Well...all we have to do
is to convince the priest

that we're a couple
who cannot get along.

See? And once he's convinced,
then I get my annulment,

you get your divorce,
and I'm not eternally damned.

It's a win-win situation.

All right. But you
just take care of it.

I did. Father Maguire will
meet us here tomorrow at 10:00.

We're gonna be halfway
to Mexico tomorrow by 10.

But he's cleared
his whole schedule.

It's the only time
he can meet with us.

I can't believe it.

I lay myself on the line so
you can stay in this country.

If you mess this up
for me, I'm gonna k*ll you.

You know, uh, I can see
why we never made it.

( upbeat theme playing )

Helen. Helen, do I really
have to do this?

Yes. Okay. Let's go over
the cover story.

If Joe calls while I'm gone
and asks for me,

what are you gonna say?

Helen, don't make me.
I am a terrible liar.

I mean, everybody always
sees right through me.

Yeah, all you have to say is,
"She's at the store."

( plane flying overhead )

Hey, Casey.
How are you doing?

Helen's at the store.

What?

Uh, Joe, what
are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be
on Roy's flight?

Well, yeah,
it just started boarding.

But I wasn't gonna leave
without saying goodbye.

Oh. That is so sweet.
Let's go.

Okay. Bye, Joe.

And-- And--
And don't call

because Helen will be
at the store.

Okay. Have
a good trip.

Wh--? Why are you
rushing me?

Because I love you
so much.

And the quicker
that you leave

the faster you'll
get back. So b*at it.

Hey, Brian.

Wait. We're gonna be gone
a day and a half.

Where's your luggage?
Ah.

Got everything
I need right here.

You know, I've never
been to Mexico before.

And the really
exciting thing is,

once I go, I'll have been
to all 50 states.

I can't believe it. You're
bringing a date to my divorce?

Hey, I brought
a date to my divorce.

You should be ashamed.

I plan to be, as soon
as we get to Mexico.

If you excuse me,
I have a plane to check.

Uh, honey bunny, look
who's here. Father Maguire.

You must be
Mrs. Scarpacci.

Not for long.

Oh, I wouldn't
count on that.

You don't know who
you're dealing with.

I've been counseling couples
for over 20 years,

and I've never yet
recommended an annulment.

Around the rectory
they call me Father Fix-it.

Ha. Father Fi--
Huh.

Father Fix-it.

Great.
Father Fix-it.

Where'd you get
this guy?

Okay, Father Maguire.
Please sit down.

Is there anything
we can get you?

I'd love
some coffee.

No problem. Helen?
( snaps )

Some coffee.

Seems we're out of coffee.

Don't bother.

Now, uh, an annulment
is a very serious thing.

Yes, but we're real, real,
real sure that we want one.

Oh. Yeah, trust me,
it's hopeless.

In my book there's
no such thing as hopeless.

Now I hope you don't mind

my asking you
some personal questions.
No.

How's your sex life?

Oh. Well...

Our sex life?

It's horrible.
It's the worst.

He stinks in bed.
In fact, he's inadequate

in every possible way
you can imagine.

Yeah, you try satisfying her.

Of course, I don't mean you.

Antonio...just remember
why we're here.

I remember, Helen.

See, this is great.
You two are talking.

We'll heal
this marriage yet.

All you have to do is just
tell each other what you need.

Oh. Well,
I need an annulment.

And I need it bad.
And I need it now!

You see what
I'm dealing with?

( door opens )

Uh, Helen, something's
come up. Uh, I need to see you.

I'm kind of busy
right now, remember?

Think you need to
hear this.

Excuse me, Father.

Keep annulling.

Uh-- Uh, little problem with
our weekend getaway.

Oh, yeah?
Well, listen to me.

If you don't
get me to Mexico,

you can forget
about having

wild sex
this weekend.

( door closes )

What do you mean
the plane's broken?

He's working on it.
It'll take 20 minutes.

Lowell, what are
you doing?

You-- You-- You're
drinking entirely too much

of that cold
medicine.

Aw. Oh, don't
worry, Brian.

Says right here on the label
it's perfectly safe.

The only thing I'm
not supposed to do is--

Is operate heavy machinery.

Okay. So...
( drill whirs )

...back to the engine.

( drill whirring )

( door opens )

Okay. How we doing?
We annulled yet?

Well, uh...no.

Father Maguire has
a wonderful idea.

Okay, great, great,
great. What, what?

He thinks we should
go on this weekend retreat,

where couples like us
go work out their problems.

Are you out of
your mind?!

Come on. Let's try to find
some common ground here.

Are there any children
in this marriage?

Uh, well...
just a godchild.

Whoa!

Oh. Uh--
Uh, excuse me.

I was looking
for Joe and Brian.

Why are all
the flights canceled?

I-- I'll explain
it later, Fay.

I'm busy with
Father Maguire right now.

Oh. Is he gonna
marry you and Joe?

Are you getting
married?

Yes. As soon as
I dump Antonio.

And I suppose this Joe
is the young man

you're going to
Mexico with?

No, that's
his brother, Brian.

I have to be honest
with you.

It doesn't look good.

I guess I'll have to
recommend the annulment.

Yes!

( door
opens )

Can't believe it's over.

( door closes )
How's the plane coming?

Uh, it's all finished.
I'll just go get Roberta.
Okay.

Oh, listen. I-I know you're
not feeling well, Lowell,

and I really appreciate
you doing this for me.

Ah. No problem, Roy.

All right, uh...

It's a lot easier
working on the plane earlier

when there weren't as many
bats flying around.

Little problem.

No. Don't say that.

I found Roberta.
What's the problem?

She's at your counter
with Joe.

Joe? What's he doing here?
I thought he left.

No, the plane had
mechanical difficulties.

It never took off.

Well, how long
is it gonna be here?

As long as it takes
to change planes, I guess.

Okay. Just forget it.
Let's just get out of here.

Come on.
No. Roberta's back there.

Oh, leave her.

Obviously you didn't see
the thong she packed.

( groans )
Lowell...

have the plane
towed out to the tarmac.

Joe?

Hey, Casey,
what's going on?

( mouthing words )

Helen's at the store.

( phone ringing )

So...going fishing?

Ah, ha-ha.
What gave me away? Heh.

You mean I was right?

Okay.
Okay, got you.

So, uh, where
are you headed?

I'm going to Mexico
with this guy.

Maybe you know him.
He works around here.
Hm.

What's
his name?

His name is--

( screams)

Casey, w-- What are
you screaming for?

I saw a mouse.

Where?

Um, in
the kitchen.

Before.

You-- Just go catch him, please.
What?

Just go in there and--
Okay, all right. Okay.

Way, way back there.

Casey, I didn't see
any mouse.

Oh, well, you know,
it was a small mouse.

It was more of a--
You know, like a--

Like a...mouselet.

Well...I'm gonna
get going.

Plane's gonna leave.

Whoops.

No, wait! Your plane...

is out there.

Yeah, I know. I left
my tackle box in the hangar.

( screams )

What?

Helen's at the store.

Come on. The plane's
on the tarmac.

Ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah.

Forgot my suntan
lotion.

Use mine.
No, no, no, no.
You don't understand.

See, it can't be
less than SPF 8.

I have
very sensitive skin.

( door closes )

Lowell, what are you
doing here?

I thought you were,
uh, sick,

taking the day off.
What--?

What's going on?

Oh, well, Brian's flying
Helen and Antonio to Mexico.

Mexico?

And I hope they solve

their sex problems
down there too.

Who--?
Whose sex problems?

Helen and Antonio's.

They've been arguing
with the priest

about it all morning.

I-- I've been trying
to fix the plane,

which has not
been easy,

what with all these bats
flying around.

Bats, huh?

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Help me with
the bats, Joe.

Okay.

Okay, there,
uh, Batman.

What do you say we--?

We get you home, so you
can get some rest, okay?

Okay.

Well, I'm a little
broken up this morning

about Helen
and Antonio.

Sure thought
those two crazy kids

were gonna
make it.

( mellow theme playing )

( thuds )

Hey.
Hey, Helen, hi.

There you are.
Oh.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh. I had the best time.

I can't thank you enough
for sending me on that trip.

Oh, good.
I'm really glad.

So, um, what did
you do this weekend?

Oh, gosh. I, uh,
pfft, sat around, and,

you know, watched TV.
And, you know,

washed my hair.
And, um...

Oh, gosh, I just
missed you so much.

It's really good
to see you again.