06x25 - Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

JOE:
Hey, it's about time
you showed up.

Look, you're gonna have
to finish these FAA reports.

I'm late for a flight.
( clears throat )

Whoa.
What happened to your face?

This morning I'm shaving
after my shower, right?

I open up the bathroom door
to let the steam out.

Casey walks in.

I'm standing
there buck naked.

She lets out
a blood-curdling scream.

"Ah--!"

Well, that's an improvement.

Usually,
they just point and laugh.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

( mocking ):
Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Joe, guy humor?
Not your thing.

Yeah, fine. Look, uh, now
that Casey's living with you,

you might wanna throw on some
clothes every once in a while.

Uh, but you know, uh, I think
I have an even better solution.

Ye-- No. Forget it.

Casey's not moving
back in with me and Helen.

You guys are just
gonna have to work things out.

( door shuts )

( groans )

Listen, as long as
you and I have to live

under the same roof,

there's gonna have to
be some ground rules.

Number one,
you cover up.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, I own this house.
I make the rules.

And since you're living there,

I just want you
to think of it as a country

called: Nakedland.

Huh?

I am the president
of Nakedland.

Would you care to hear
the national anthem?

No, thanks.

I've already seen the flag.

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs )
Well,

the wedding
rehearsal's all over.

No turning back now, huh?

( sighing ):
Nope.

Guess, uh, you know
what comes next.

Probably the most
important event

in your life.

Yep.

BOTH ( in unison ):
Bachelor party!

Oh, Joe.

Wasn't that
the most beautiful

wedding rehearsal?

And you know
what comes next.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have
a pretty good idea.

Our wedding.

Oh, yeah,
that's it. That's it.

Oh, before I forget, I need
you to do something for me.

Can you--?
No!

He can not.

Okay?

You're gonna be
ordering him around

for the rest of his life,
but from now until

tomorrow morning,
he's all mine.
Hm.

Oh, right,
the big bachelor party.

So, what have you guys
got planned for him?

Look, Helen--
Hey, hey, hey.

The woman can know nothing.

Did I break one of
the ten commandments

of bachelor parties?

Yes, number one:

the woman can know nothing.

Relax, 'cause the woman

doesn't want
to know anything.

Except why does
the bachelor party

have to be the night
before our wedding?

Commandment number eight:

thou shalt defile
and debase thyself

on the nighteth
right before thy wedding.

Now, uh, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go book
a vestal virgin.

Helen.
Yeah.

You sure you're okay
with this bachelor party thing?

Sure.
Why wouldn't I be?

Well, pfft,
it could get pretty wild.

Oh, yeah, I know you, Joe.

You'll have one,
maybe two beers,

get a little loose,
and then you'll tell

that one dirty joke you know.

Oh, no,
you think you know me,

but you're wrong.

I plan on
having at least

three beers,
and you know why?

Because I've pre-eaten.

You go do your "boy thing."

But please, don't--
Don't drink too much,

'cause I don't want you
hung over for the wedding.

I mean, remember, this is the
most important day of our lives.

Helen, I--
I can't promise anything.

It's a bachelor's party.
It could get pretty wild.

Oh, right.

A bunch of boobs
lookin' at a bunch of boobs.

Where's Brian?

He's in the office.

Well, thanks a lot, Brian.
You were suppo--

Oh, my God--
( screams )

Don't you ever knock?

Don't you ever dress?

Or-- Or have you
claimed this office

in the name
of Nakedland too?

What's your problem?

I'm just getting dressed for
the bachelor party, all right?

That's it. I am staying
at Helen's house tonight.

Hey, fine, suit yourself.

But if you do,

you'll miss
the grand opening of...

Euro-Nakedland.

( knocking )

Hey, Brian-- Whoa!

Oh!

You know,
I heard that Brian Hackett

bachelor parties
were pretty wild,

but I kind of expected
to see a woman

take her clothes off.

But, you know,
what the heck.

I'm pretty liberal.

Let's see what you got!

I've seen this show.
It's overrated.

Okay.

I'm ready
to debase myself.

What do we do next?
Easy!

Easy there, pumpkin.

You've got
the whole night ahead of you.

Okay, first
the fun begins

in our deluxe suite

at the Tr*mp Taj Mahal
in Atlantic City,

and, uh, believe me
when I tell you,

we will not be lacking
for entertainment.

Oh...

Does it, uh, involve women?

Uh, no.

I hired jugglers
and a dancing monkey.

I'm just so excited.

Roy was just telling me
about the bachelor party

you threw in '85.
Yeah.

Is it true? Two men
still unaccounted for?

Uh...

No, no, I think
eventually they showed up.

One is currently
living in a seminary

and the other
is a chronic bed wetter.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, gosh.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Boy, you look tired.

Oh, Casey, I'm exhausted.

Well, what do you
wanna do tonight?

I mean, it is your last night
as a single woman.

I'm gonna go upstairs,

take a nice hot bath,
put on a mud mask,

do my nails and go to sleep.

Helen, that sounds great,
but you know what?

( loudly ):
It ain't gonna happen!

Surprise!

( screaming )

Joanne, what are
you doing here?

You weren't supposed
to be here till tomorrow.

Are you kidding?

As soon as Casey told me
about your bachelorette party,

I changed my plans.

Oh, that's so sweet.
Bachelorette party?

Oh, don't worry.
It's not gonna be rowdy.

I mean, it's just us girls
sitting around, talking.

sh**t anyone?

( all clamoring )

Oh, I appreciate it, Fay.
No, thanks.

Uh, I don't think I should
drink before the wedding.

( all moan )

Well, they are just
little bitty bottles, huh?

ALL ( chanting ):
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!

( rock music playing )

( cheering and screaming )

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go...

( mellow theme playing )

I always knew
Atlantic City was luxurious,

but I never dreamed
I'd get to see

Al's Crapshoot Hotel.

Somebody pinch me, please.

Look, I booked the best suite
at Tr*mp's Taj Mahal.

Yeah, but you booked it
for the wrong night.

And that's my fault?
ALL: Yes.

Hey, please.

Have a little faith.

We've got a room here
and the stripper's coming.

Who knows what else
he's got planned.

This is Brian Hackett, here,
we're talking about.

The master.

This is gonna be
a night to remember.

( distant siren wailing )

I wonder how many people have
committed su1c1de in this dump.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay.

Okay, here's a hard one.

What did Christ say
when he healed the leper?

Oh, enough already.

Not even close.
He said--

Oh, look, Antonio,

we are all getting tired
of Bible quiz.

Put the Good Book down.

Okay. Okay.

Uh--
Uh, here's something fun,

uh, shadow puppets.

What--? What famous entertainer
known as the Schnozz--?

Hey, hey!

I wasn't the one
who promised everybody

the greatest night
of their lives.

Hey, still early yet.

Some of the best
bachelor parties

often start out
a little slow.

Well, wake me up
when we get to slow.

( phone rings )

I'll get it.

1-900-BUMMER.

Uh, it's the pizza guy.

Yeah!
( cheering )

He's lost.
( all groan )

Uh, no. It's a left
at the landfill,

a right
at the industrial park,

just past
the sewage plant.

No, if you get to
the toxic-waste dump,

you've gone too far.

Okay.

At least we are
not gonna starve

because Uncle Roy
has come up with the food.

We have:
an apple, a can of soup

and a bag of pork rinds.

Wait a second.

The expiration date
on those pork rinds

is March, '84.

Eh, it's just a guideline.

No booze.

No stripper.

Soup in a can,
and pork rinds.

I hate this bachelor party.

You suck.

Relax, okay?

Relax, please.

Stripper's on her way,
and I know just the thing

to kick this party into gear.

Now, Lowell. Lowell.
Hm?

Why don't you just
pop in a videotape, okay?

Oh, okay.

Well, you know, I--

I've got a pretty
wide selection.

Something
for everybody here.

Uh, I've got
Valley of the Vixens.

I-- I've got, uh,

A Clear
and Present Vixen.

I've got A Vixen
Runs Through It.

And, um, Pulp Vixen.

"Pulp Vixen."

Oh, i-it's about
two mob hit-vixens,

both packing .38s.

Oh, look,
it's the director's cut.

Give me that.

What the hell's going on?

It won't fit.

It's gotta fit.

Why won't it fit?
Why won't it fit?

Because it's a beta machine,

the last one
in the free world.

Lowell, uh,
go down to the front desk.

Uh, they must have something

from the Vixen collection
on Beta.

All right. I'll give it a sh*t.

But just for the record,
this is a very bad party.

( door closes )

( sighs )

All right, all right, just--

Just, heh, take it easy.
Take it easy.

Still--
Still plenty of fun to be had.

( knocking on door )

Oh, please let it be
someone with liquor,

food, or my name
sprayed in whipped cream

across her breasts.

Ah! You made it!
You're here. Fantastic. Hi.

Uh, I'm Brian.
I spoke to you on the phone.

And this is Joe.
He's the groom.

( sneezes )

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to stop off
to get some cold medicine.

( sneezes )

( coughing )

Hi, honey.
Ready for a good time?

( all laughing )

Okay, okay,
serious question.

What's the most unusual place
you ever did it?

Oh!

With Joe,

during lunch hour,

in my walk-in freezer.

( all laugh )

In a parking lot
at an IHOP

off Route 9.

( all laugh )

Uh, been there.
Done that.

Uh, let's see, uh,
mine would have to be

on a rooftop during the
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

just as Underdog
was going by.

( all laugh )

Oh, I know. I have one.

At the foot of my bed.

In the middle of the week.

Oh, my God.
I haven't lived, have I?

Uh-- Uh, time to open the gifts.

Gifts?

No, you already got me
gifts for the wedding.

These aren't
for the wedding.

These are for
the wedding night.

Whoo.

What in the hell
do you do with this?

It's really very simple.

( all laugh )

( upbeat theme playing )

"The wildest bachelor party
every thrown"?

"This night will
become a legend"?

All right, I-- I know
we've had a few setbacks.

But I believe

that this party
is really gonna take off.

( stripper vomiting )

STRIPPER:
I'll be out in a minute.

I'm feeling
much better now.

( toilet flushes )

( gasping )

So...

...you boys
ready for a show?

Look, y-you really
don't have to do this.

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

You're the groom.

This is your special night.

( chuckling )

( rock music plays )

Oh, you poor kid.

You poor kid.

You're in no condition for this.
( gasping )

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Giving in to a cold
is the worst thing you can do.

And you're shivering.

Come on, we'll cover you up.

Yeah.
( music stops )

It's a great party,
Brian.

Antonio is covering up
the stripper.

Hey, I got a tape.

Oh, fantastic,
what did you get?

Terms of Endearment.

Why'd you get that?

Hey, it was either this
or Deep Throat.

Come on. Haven't we all had
quite enough of Watergate?

( rock music playing )

( all chattering )

( knocking )

Oh, Helen,
there's someone at the door.

Oh, I'll get it.

And nobody comes in

without doing a sh**t first.

( all cheering )

Okay, open up, and say...

Uh-oh.

Um, h-hi, officer.

Uh, is there a problem?
Yes, there is, ma'am.

We've had complaints about the
noise level from the neighbors.

Oh, uh, I'll take care of this.

( music stops )

b*at it, copper.

We're having a party and
if the neighbors don't like it,

they can get stuffed.

Oh, God, Fay--

Um, h-hi,
I'm Helen Chappel

and this is my home,

and if we're too loud,

um, we'll take care of it.

Well, ma'am,
that won't do.

I'm gonna have to
write you a citation.

Oh, you're just
a big bully, aren't you?

Uh...

Fay, please...

( all shrieking )

Fay!

( all shrieking )

Just call me Sergeant Steve.

( upbeat music plays )

( whooping )

( cheering )

( upbeat theme playing )

( crying ):
It's so sad.

( snorts )

( crying ):
Why did Debra Winger
have to die?

I feel so vulnerable.

I never told anybody this,

but when--
When I was a little boy,

I had a turtle...

Larry.

He had his own
little plastic island

with a little palm tree.

Then one day he got sick
and he wouldn't eat,

and his shell got all soft.

( weeping ):
And Larry d*ed.

( crying )

( yells ):
Larry!

( sighs )

I don't get it.

My bachelor parties...
Heh.

...were legendary, man.

I always felt sorry

for the poor stiff
who was walking down the aisle,

you know?

( groans )

And right now,

I envy you.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know, Brian.
Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe it means
you're ready

for something
different in your life.

Or maybe you just suck.

Oh, Larry,
wherever you are,

I'm sorry
I painted you blue.

( snorts )

( sobs )

Wait, you painted him blue?

You k*lled freakin' Larry!

( upbeat theme playing )

( rock music playing )

Helen,

is there any more champagne?

Coming up.
Whoo!

What--? What is going on?

( flatly ):
Oh, Joe, how good to see you.

Where's Helen?

Helen.

Okay, girls,

I guess the party's over.

( all groan, music stops )

See you
at the wedding, Joe.

Now, uh, Joe,
I just want you to know

that nothing
happened here tonight.

( all laughing )

You know, I didn't know you guys
were throwing Helen a party.

Where is she?

Oh...around. Heh-heh.

So I guess you two kids

probably wanna
be alone tonight,

so I'll just go back over
to my room at...

Nakedland.

Helen.

Helen.

Helen?

HELEN:
Joe?

Oh, hi, honey.

We had a party.

Yeah, yeah, I heard.

Look, Helen,

I know that we're not
supposed to be together

the night before the wedding,

but I realized
something tonight.

You're the only person
I really wanna be with.

Tomorrow's gonna be
the best day of my whole life,

because it'll
be the beginning

of our life together.

Oh, Joe.

That was beautiful, man.

( upbeat theme playing )

( door creaks )

( Casey and Brian scream )

( both scream )

Get out of my room.

Your room?
No-no-no-no.

This is my room
and this is my bed,

otherwise known as
the capital of Nakedland.

What the hell are you
doing in here, anyway?

Well, uh,
I thought this was my room.

All those damned doors
look alike in the dark.

No, hey, your room's
across the hall.

All right?

Fine.
( sighs )

I can't get out
of this bed.

Why?

I'm not wearing anything.

Oooh, a new citizen.

Okay, you cross
this border

and it's an act of w*r.

All right, look,

all right?

I'll just turn my head,

close my eyes,

and you can,
uh, scamper away.

Okay?

Goodbye.

Uh, you're still here.

Look, it's just that,

this whole night...

( sighs )

Never mind.

No-no-no-no-no.

No, no. What?

I'm listening. What?

Well, look at me.

No, don't look at me.

I mean,

look at where
I am in my life.

Everyone else is moving on.

And where am I?

I mean, I have a...

failed marriage,

no career.

I don't even have

a "most unusual place
I've ever had sex" story.

And, you know,
to top it all off,

my baby sister is getting
married tomorrow...

Forget it.

Why don't you just
close your eyes.

I'll leave now.

No-no-no.

( sighs )

I actually think I know

what you're going through.

You do?

Oh, hell yeah.

Joe and Helen
are my two best friends.

And after tomorrow,
everything's gonna change.

They're not gonna
have any time for us, are they?

Are you kidding?
No-no-no.

When you get married,
you're in couple mode.

You know, you have
couple friends,

you do couple things,

then you start thinking
about having kids, and--

Ah, God.

I'm gonna be
weird Uncle Brian.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna be poor Aunt Casey,

the one who's
crying all the time.

I should really be a lot,

you know,

happier for them, tonight.

( sighs )

Yep.

Yeah, I know, I know.
( sobs )

Uh-oh.
I know.

Yeah, this is, uh--
This is very dangerous.

Very dangerous, because, uh,

something could happen here

that we'll--
We'll regret for a long time.

The rest of our lives.

And that-- That-- That--
That would be wrong.

Wrong? That would be suicidal.

Oh, that's for sure.
That's for sure. Heh.

Oh, damn.

I know.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )