06x26 - Here It Is: The Big Wedding

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( humming )

Morning, honey.

Morning,
sweetheart.
( chuckles )

So...today's our wedding day.

Ah. It feels great,
doesn't it?

Oh. Sure does.
Oh.

I'm glad. I was afraid
after last night

you might be just
a little hung-over.

Oh, me? No.
I just had a few drinks.

Helen, come on. When I
came in, you were handcuffed

to a half-naked
stripper.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.

( lively theme playing )

So how did your
bachelor party go?

I don't wanna
talk about it.

But, uh, the important
thing is,

in three hours
and seven minutes,

we are going to be
husband and wife.

( sighs,
claps hands )

But first...
( sniffs )

...breakfast.

Yay.

Ta-da.

Oh, boy. Scrambled eggs.

Yeah.

Here you go.
Oh.

Hm.

Boy, you-- You don't know
how this makes me feel.

Oh, thanks. Hm.

Mm.
( chuckles )

Mm. Oh-- Ooh.

I almost forgot
the pork links.

( silverware clatters )

Wow.

You really wolfed those down.

You want some more?

Mm, no, no, please.
That's plenty.

Here you go. Okay.

Let me see here.

"Helen, breakfast." Check.

What is that?

It's our wedding schedule.

You have
a wedding schedule?

Well, look. I know this seems
a little bit retentive,

but thanks to
this schedule right here,

our wedding is gonna run
like a well-oiled machine.

Right now the cake
is en route,

the flowers are
being delivered,

and Brian is at the store
picking up our tuxes.

( sighs )

( screams )

( both screaming )

( both scream loudly )

Oh, my God.

Oh, I don't believe this.
How did this happen?

Oh, I don't know.

You seduced me.

Me?!

Who is the one who crawled
into my bed "by mistake"?

Oh. It was a mistake,
all right.

It was the biggest mistake
of my life.

Uh, really?

You weren't complaining
very much a few hours ago.

Or have you forgotten
somebody screaming,

"Yes, yes. Take me home,
Monkey Man"?
( scoffs )

All right, don't
flatter yourself.

I was way overdue.

Way, way overdue.

Oh, jeez.

What?
Oh, it's 9:30.

I should have been at
the tuxedo shop an hour ago.

Oh, my God. I'm
supposed to be at the hotel

doing Helen's hair and makeup.

Let go.
No, you let go.

Oh. Heh. I am not walking
across this room stark naked.

Why? Didn't stop you last night
from doing a back flip

and singing the Sconset High
fight song stark naked.

Oh. I have gotta
get out of here

and take the longest
shower of my life.

Let go of it!

Over my dead body.

No, thanks.
Already been there.

( lively theme playing )

Oh. It's about time, Br--

Oh. It's you. Hey,
have you seen Brian?

He was supposed to be here
an hour ago with the tuxes.

No. No, I haven't.

But, uh, what do
you think?

I think I'm gonna k*ll him

if he's not here
in about one minute.

No. No, no. I meant me.

How do I look?

Yeah, you look fine.

Fine? No. No,
no, no, no,

I don't look fine.

I look dashing.

( speaks indistinctly )

I look elegant.

I look like a million
freaking bucks here.

Where the hell
is Brian?

He's screwing up my whole
wedding schedule.

You have a wedding
schedule?

Yeah. Look, um...

I'm gonna let you in
on a big secret,

but you have
got to promise

not to tell
another living soul.

I promise. What is it?

( clears throat )

I padded the schedule
an extra half hour.

In case things
got backed up.

You're a rebel.
Hm.

( sighs )
Can't wait for Casey

to see me
in this tux.

You know, today might
just be the day I make my move.

You know? For once
she won't see me as Antonio,

the lowly cab driver.

You know, the-- The servant.

The one everybody's
always ordering around.

Right. Now get downstairs
and start greeting people.

Oh, right.
I'm an usher.

I know, I know.
I'm late. I'm sorry.

There's no excuse.

Brian, do you have any idea
what time it is?

Oh, who are
you kidding?

Everybody knows
you padded that thing.

Relax. Relax.

Got the ring,
picked up the tuxes.

Uh...

this looks
a little small.

Uh, it's the same one that
you tried on the other day.

Boy, you really
should drop

this whole
control thing, Joey.

I mean, really, you should
just learn to delegate

and trust that your friends
will come through for you.

Well, I guess it's true
what they say, huh?

Married life really
does pack on the old pounds.

Brian...you gotta
do something.

I'm getting married
in a few minutes,

and I look like
Zippy the Chimp!

And with the right bow tie
and a pair of roller skates,

you could pull that off.

All right. Okay, that's it.
I'm wearing yours.

Uh, no way, man. Then
I'll look like the idiot.

But, hey, it's your day,
so be my guest.

You are one tense person,
you know that?

You really should
learn to relax,

take life more in stride.

Well, that's just
way too big.

I don't get it.
I don't get it.

I went to the tux shop
like you told me to.

And I picked up the tuxes
that said--

Hackell.
What?

You picked up the tuxes
for the Hackell bar mitzvah.

You're just gonna
find a way

of making this my fault,
aren't you?

What am I gonna do, Brian?

All right,
just relax. H-here.

Have a mint. Okay?

I'm gonna take these back
to the tux shop,

and I'll get
the right tuxes, okay?

Brian.
What?

Have I told you lately
that you suck?

You know, I've...

seen MacGyver do this
a hundred times.

Hey. Give that guy
a piece of dental floss,

he could bust out of
a Turkish prison.

( door opens )

HELEN:
Well, thanks for
coming, Casey.

Where have you been?

Don't ask me that.

Don't ever ask me that.

I have plumbed
the depths

of human
depravity.

Does anyone
have a Certs?

Uh. I've got a
tic tac in my purse.

You know, I once saw MacGyver
take down an F-18

with a tic tac.

Fay, are these
sugar-free?

Oh, you don't have to
worry about that.

Uh-hum. Very sweet
of you to say,

but actually I--
Oh. Would you--

Do you mind
if I have one?

Oh, thanks.
I appreciate it.

You get this handcuff
off me,

and you make me
look beautiful.

Oh, Helen, relax. You're
already beautiful.

Give me some room.
I got some major work to do.

You know...MacGyver

could get rid of
those raccoon circles,

give her a kicky hairdo.

Do it all
with just spit.

Lowell, could you do me a favor
and go get a hacksaw?

( scoffs )
Hacksaw.

That's so A-Team.

( door closes )

Okay, just relax,

and we're gonna start
with a little base.

Oh, my.
What?

Well, our eyes
are a tad red. Heh.

Oh, God.

Don't you worry. I'll just
run down to the hotel store

and get you
some eye drops.

Tsk.
( sighs )

Oh, Fay.
( door closes )

I'm getting married
in an hour,

and I look like roadkill.
Oh.

( lively theme playing )

Hello.

Uh, hello.

Um...

look, about
last night...

Wha--? Uh, what about it?

You didn't go blabbing
to your brother, did you?

Of course not.
Far as I'm concerned,

nothing happened.

Well, you got that right.
Nothing happened.

Absolutely.
Nothing happened...

three times.

Seven times for me.

I-I gotta get these
eye drops to Helen.

Yeah, I've got to
get this tux to Joe.

Oh, damn.

I know.

( both grunting )

What's wrong
with us?

( both panting )

We're sick!
Oh!

( upbeat theme playing )

( both chuckle )

Oh, hi, Casey.

So, uh...what's
happening?

Happening?

Nothing's happening.

Why would something
be happening?

So, um...Casey...

how about, uh, saving me
the first dance?

Sure, Antonio.
Can't wait. Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha.

Okay, then, uh, it's a date.

I'll, uh,
catch you later.
( laughs )

Bye-bye.

( snaps )
Yes.

Hey. Brian.

I am in, baby.

( door opens )

Oh, Casey.

How good of you
to drop by.

I'm getting ready
to get married,

my makeup's not done,

and you're supposed to
give me big hair.

Sorry, uh-- Sorry.

Uh, what did you do
to your dress?

What do you mean?

Well, it's
on backwards.
( gasps )

Oh, well, um...

I thought that the bow
made my butt look big,

so I switched it.

FAY:
Oh.

I think I'd like to
switch my dress

like you did.

I recommend it.

I haven't felt
this good in years.
Ha.

You do look radiant.
( both giggle )

Such a lovely
thought, Fay,

but aren't you supposed to be
saying that to the bride?

And we will be.
Just as soon as

you've used
these eye drops,

we'll start
your makeup.

I just have just to fix
this scuff on my shoe.

Uh...those are new.

How did you get them
scuffed up already?

What are you, a cop?!

( hums )

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

My eyes are stinging.

What kind of
eye drops are these?

Binaca.

If it's any consolation,

your eyes smell
minty fresh.

Are-- Are
you okay?

Maybe you'd better
go flush your eyes out.

I'm all right.
Oops! Oops! All right.

Ooh. Watch out for
that Magic Marker.

It's gonna, uh,
be on my dress.

That stuff's permanent.
Oh.

Um, don't worry. I-it
didn't get on your dress.

( screams )

It-- It-- It's
not so bad. Heh.

It's not so bad?

I'm getting married
in five minutes,

and I look like h*tler.

Hey...Hackett.

You better
get down there.

Your guests are
getting mighty antsy.

Yeah. Well,
I'd like to,

but I got no best man,
I got no tuxes,

and this flippy
little thing in my hair

is driving me nuts.

Hey-- Brian, where
the hell

have you been?

You-- You're not carrying
tuxes. I don't see tuxes.

There's a little problem.

Problem? Problem?

Don't tell me
there's a problem.

Okay.

I've lost the tuxes.
I don't know where they are.

But, hey, no problem.

Can, uh--? Can I
see you for a second?

Brian, how could
you do this to me?

You are the worst
best man.

In fact, you better
give me the ring,

or did you lose
that too?

No, I didn't lose that too.
All right, smarty?

Here. Here it is.

I think you owe me
an apology.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian.

Here it is
my wedding day,

and I'm selfishly
thinking about me.

And after all
you've been through.

I mean, throwing me that
terrible bachelor party

and losing the tuxes.

What's going on, fella?
Are you okay?

Hey. Let's get
the show on the road.

It's getting
rowdy down there.

Somebody just sent

Grandma Chappel
out on a beer run, you know?

( laughs )
Anyway...

Besides, the sooner
we start this wedding,

the sooner I get that
first dance with Casey.

JOE:
You slept
with Casey?!

I cannot believe that
you slept with Casey.

( shouting in Italian )

( Brian
screaming )

Hey. Hey.

BRIAN:
The ring!

No! God.

You couldn't
keep your hands off her.

BRIAN ( choking ):
Keep your hands off me.

I got it.
ANTONIO: Pig!

Oh.

Guys?
( both grunting )

Uh...my hand
is stuck.

Okay, everybody out.
I gotta use the can.

( lively theme playing )

( whines )

Is it coming off?

Uh. Well...

( chuckles )

You know, Casey...

ever since
I was a little girl,

I always dreamed about
my wedding.

A...horse-drawn carriage,

eight attendants
carrying my train.

But nowhere
in that picture

did it include
me looking like Zorro.

Oh!

Tsk.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

Lowell, would you please
do something?

All right, all right.

I know what I got to do.

I'm gonna go get
the big wrench.

( sighs )

Okay. Tux update.
Did you get 'em?

No. I just thought
I'd keep you up to speed.

Come here. Come here!

ROY:
Any progress?

No. How's
Antonio doing?

Oh, much better.

I sat him down,

I gave him
some good advice.

Drink until there's a crowd
standing over you saying,

"You okay, buddy?"

Hey, Hackett,
how you doing?

You look flushed.

( laughing )
Come here! Come here!

Oh, lighten up!

Come on! I just came
to tell you

that the, uh-- The preacher's
leaving in ten minutes.

He's got another wedding
in Boston at 2.

Oh, perfect.

BRIAN:
Oh, I just--

Just can't
shake this feeling

that somehow all this is...

partly my fault.

( Casey laughs )

I look okay?

Oh, Helen,
you look beautiful.

You sure
I don't have that

Wayne Newton thing
happening?

No. No, no, no, no.
Makeup covered everything.

You look perfect.

This is it, Casey.

It's the most important
moment of my life.

Let's go get Joe.

( knocking
on door )

Your bride is ready.

Lowell...

I need you
to stall Helen.

And I don't want her
to freak out,

so whatever you do,

do not tell her
I'm stuck in the toilet.

Hey. Give me
a little credit.

Who is it?

Oh. Where's Joe?

Oh, uh...

Joe can't come out
right now.

What do you mean he can't
come out right now?

Well, Helen...

Joe...got cold feet.

There'll be no wedding today.

Better luck
next time.

See you.

Uh, I think I bought you
a little time, Joe.

What do you mean,
Joe's got cold feet?

Where is he?

Hi, honey.

Joe, why is your hand
in the toilet?

Uh... Tsk.

Heh. I'm stuck.

We're supposed to
get married right now,

and your hand is
stuck in the toilet?

Oh, I don't think so.

Look, Helen, no. Ow!
( grunting )

Get that out!

Of all the stupid,
idiotic things to do

on our wedding day,

what possessed you to put
your hand in the toilet?

Your ring fell in.

Oh, hold on, baby.
Don't let that sucker go.

Look, we have
to do something.

Has anyone thought of
using a bar of soap?

You know, MacGyver
once used a bar of soap

to...

shut down
a nuclear reactor.

I think I remember
seeing a bar of soap

in the linen closet
across the hall.

Casey, would you like to
look for it with me?

Oh, yes, Brian,
I would.

That is a good idea.

What's taking
so long up he--?

Oh. Dear, you should have
just called Housekeeping.

Okay, baby.

You don't want
Antonio Scarpacci, fine.

Here's a little taste of
what you'll be missing.

( sobbing )

It was even better
than I ever dreamed.

Well, I guess this dress is more
flattering than I thought.

Joe...

What are we
gonna do?

This is supposed to be
the happiest day of our lives.

( sobbing ):
It's not gonna happen.

Oh, honey.

( tender theme playing )

Dearly beloved...

we are gathered here today

to witness
the joining of Helen

and Joe...

in marriage.

Joe...Helen,

this is a very
special day for you.

And a very special day
for your friends...

Ahh!

...who are all here.

Anyway...

these two
wonderful people

have put a lot of thought
into this day,

and, as is so often
the tradition,

they have written
their own vows.

Joe.

Helen...

as I stand here
before you today...

I know that I am the luckiest
man in the world.

You're the love
of my life,

you're
my best friend,

and I promise to do
everything I can

to make every day
of our life together...

as special as this moment.

Helen, I love you.

I've always loved you.

And I always will love you.

( sobs )

REVEREND ( whispers ):
Helen.

Joe...

I have
a little secret.

Ever since I was
a little girl,

I've dreamed of this moment.

And now, as I look up
into your eyes...

I see the boy
that I fell in love with

and the man
I wanna spend

the rest of
my life with.

Be my husband.

Be my partner.

Be my friend.

May we have
the rings, please?

What--? What do I do?

Go! Oh, hang on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Brian, you want to lift
that lid up there?

Here you go.

This one's for you,
MacGyver.

( chuckles )

Okay, then. Heh.

Joe, do you take Helen
to be your wife,

to love,
honor and cherish

as long as
you both shall live?

I do.

And, Helen...

do you take Joe
to be your husband,

to love, honor
and cherish

as long as
you both shall live?

I do.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Uh. You may kiss the bride.

( cheering, applause )

( mellow theme playing )

( all cheering, applauding )

Congratulations.