03x11 - Call Me Prescription Roulette

[bunniefuu]

Can I get a little help, please?

Oh, sure. That top
doesn't match that skirt.

Why would you pack all of
this cast-iron cookware anyway?

The only thing you ever made
in a kitchen is that sign

that says, "Nothing tastes
as good as skinny feels."

Oh, so you did see it?

- Hey.
- Oh.

Sorry. I had to shake a
pack of handsy old ladies.

One of them tried to tuck a
savings bond in my waistband.

This is a great apartment.

It's smaller than I remember,
but maybe that's a good thing.

It'll help me get used
to being in a coffin.

Oh, come on. Look here.

You were so excited about this place.

You loved the pool, the spa,

and I just saw a guy in the dining room

dropping pills like a busted piñata.

I know. It's just
different now that I'm here.

Man, take a look at
these activities. Look.

You can go on a tour of the
region's finest wineries.

Ah, yes.

Nothing says a fine merlot

like the hills of Central Kentucky.

Perhaps I can pair it with a
hard-boiled egg from a large jar.

Hey, I'm sure you're
gonna find your people.

But you can't give up and not try.

It's not like being my mother.

Look, it's my first night here.

I miss my house, I miss my things.

Oh, but you brought my baby blanket.

- Aw. That's so sweet.
- (Kat laughs)

Is that what that ratty thing is?

Oh. I was just using it to
make sure my gin didn't break.

At least I have one friend here.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Hey, how's Sheila doing
at the retirement home?

Oh, I don't know.

I texted her and said, "Let
me know if you need anything"

on her first day, and she replied "K."

So then, I texted her again
yesterday, and she said, "KK."

I'm terrified to send a third text.

Well, if you're worried about her,

why don't you just go visit her?

Ooh, and when you go, take
butterscotch hard candy.

For old people, they're
like cigarettes in prison.

Wait, where's your engagement ring?

- Oh.
- (gasps) It's missing?

All right, everybody, stand
up, turn out your pockets.

My friend's ring is missing.

I'm looking at you, cargo shorts.

It's not missing, I
just wasn't wearing it.

Oh, oh. Sorry, cargo
shorts, that was profiling,

and I am not proud of that.

Is everything all right?

Yeah.

It's just...

I mean, what do you think about my ring?

Oh, well, uh,

mm, I think it's...

Since when does my
opinion on fashion matter?

You know, I just started wearing thongs.

I'm not even sure I've got it on right.

See, I knew it. You hate it.

No, not at all.

So you mean to tell me
if Max gave you this,

- you would be happy?
- No, not at all.

Look, I love Carter.

I'm just not sure I love this ring.

Also, I hate this ring.

Well, have you tried
talking to him about it?

I mean, he might be hurt at first,

but he'll get over it.

At the end of the day, he
just wants to make you happy.

Yeah, and I just want to make him happy.

Maybe I'll just learn to like
it. I mean, we're friends now.

(Randi chuckles)

Mother, it's me.

I brought wine.

That's weird. She always ignores me,

but never wine.

Something must be wrong. I'm
gonna break this door down.

Oh, or just open it.

So I said, "Well, I
may be losing my sight,

but you never had any taste."

(laughter)

Hey.

Oh, Katharine, I was
just talking about you.

What's going on here?

Someone find "Part B."

I think I just found par-tay.

Just a few friends over for drinks.

Everyone dumped their
expired meds in a bowl,

and we're playing
"prescription roulette."

Lightweight Charlie
couldn't handle an Ambien.

Well, I'm so glad you made some friends.

Hi, I'm Katharine, but
you can call me Kat.

See what I did there?

Hi, Kat, I'm Patty.

I love your shoes. Where'd you get 'em?

Oh, you can't get 'em in a store.

You need a prescription.

Who's your foot guy?

Well, I used to go to Lieberman.

Oh, Lieberman.

Would it k*ll you to validate parking?

(laughs) Right?

I mean, I've already
got a pain in my foot,

do I also need a pain in my tuchus?

(laughter)

Yes, hilarious.

Okay, thank you for
the wine. Drive safe.

You know, you should try Orwasher.

He's got tattoos,

but I hear it's not
a Satan thing anymore.

He's my new guy. He is the best.

And not to brag, but

on his website, I'm the
"before" picture for hammertoe.

Get out. Sheila, you did not tell us

that your daughter was a model.

(laughs) If you don't
notice a resemblance,

it's because she paid a lot
of money to not look like me.

- (laughter)
- Who needs more rosé?

(snorts) Don't bury me!

Here you go, Billy.

So, how were your holidays?

Did they ever find your big toe?

No. And I called the
airline and everything.

My holidays were nice.

I spent Christmas Eve with my kids,

Christmas Day with my other kids.

Then, on New Year's
Eve, I met a redhead.

Tried to make some more kids.

How about you?

Ah, Randi and I got engaged.

- Hey, that's great.
- Mm-hmm.

I hope you invite me to the wedding.

I can dance as good as
anyone with a whole foot.

There's my soon-to-be-wife.

Just say "fiancée."

That is French. I do not appropriate.

(chuckles) Uh, do you
have a second to talk?

Sure. But first, show Billy your ring.

Oh, um...

BILLY: Wow, look at that.

It's like a classy hood ornament.

I designed it myself.

I could have gone to some
high-end jewelry store

and picked out the
biggest diamond they had.

Hold up, that was an option?

Check it out. The diamond's a heart

because I love Randi,

And, baby, tell him
why the ruby's a heart.

Be-because we love the
Louisville Cardinals.

Throw up the "L".

Yeah, we throwin' up. (chuckles)

Man, I've never been so
proud of anything in my life,

and I have a son.

So, baby, what'd you want to talk about?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Oh, uh, Kat got a thong,

and she doesn't know how to wear it.

Yeah? She got a date
for next New Year's?

You know, Frank and I
have a son about your age.

He has so many model trains

- they might do a YouTube about him.
- (Kat chuckles)

Well, he's got a very nice
caboose, but I'm taken.

Well, of course you are,

a foot model with your personality.

(laughs) You know what, Frank,

- you just earned yourself a butterscotch.
- Ooh.

Will none of these pills kick in?

And, uh, check out my fella.

He's a musician, and get this,

none of his songs have curse words.

Mm.

Hotsy-totsy.

Tom Selleck, move over.

Speaking of which, is
Blue Bloods tonight?

No, that's Friday at : .

I record it 'cause who
can stay up that late?

I mean, seriously, I appreciate

everyone who watches,

but you : Fox viewers...

You know what'd be fun?

We should get naked
and go into the hot tub.

- I'm in.
- Great.

I just got these bad boys lifted.

(chuckles) It was my birthday present.

Wait, hang on, has anyone had diarrhea

in the last few weeks?

'Cause then it's not safe.

What are you looking at me for?

You're the ones that
wanted to go for Thai food.

Thanks, Katharine.

Well, have any of you ever
played Scrabble in French?

- It's a panic.
- Ooh-la-la.

I wonder what combination
of these pills will k*ll me.

Okay, here's me and
the Valley Hills g*ng

on the bus heading to the casino.

That's Frank and Charlie.

Oh, here's Patty playing keep-away

with Mindy's diabetes medication.

That's just so classic Patty.

(forced chuckle) So Patty.

Hey, you two.

- Hey.
- Hey.

All right, I'm gonna go to the gym.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

Is that a new perfume?

Oh, Bengay. Mindy had some in her purse.

That bus ride, heck on my sciatica.

No, no, save the sexy talk for tonight.

- (chuckles)
- See you, Sheila.

I'll take a chai tea.

Oh, fun fact, "chai" means tea,

so you really just asked me for tea tea.

Fascinating.

I'll take it to go-go
away from you-you.

Are you excited about bingo tonight?

I know Frank is psyched
because he just found out

that his tumor is "B-Nine".

Actually, you can't come.

Bingo is for residents only.

Really? That's so disappointing.

I already told everyone I was coming.

I've literally never said this before,

but can't we bend the rules?

Mm, they're very strict
about this policy.

Huh. That seems really unfair,

keeping me out just because I'm young.

When it rains, do not my knees ache?

Sorry, dear. And for the record,

you haven't been young
since you were eight

and dressed as democracy for Halloween.

Hey, I got you something.

Oh, you did? Is it edible?

Are you wearing it?

- Is it both?
- (Randi laughs)

Here.

What's this?

I got you an engagement ring, too.

I figured why should ladies
be the ones having all the fun

wearing something for
the rest of their lives

that they didn't pick out?

Oh, wow, Randi. You shouldn't have.

Yeah, but I did, just like you did.

And if you don't like
it, that's totally fine.

Just tell me and I will
happily take it back

and not be upset at all,
because that's how mature,

not-crazy people act.

I don't like it.

Oh, no problem. Now, unrelated...

- I love it!
- You do?

Uh-huh! Look at this.

It's got skeletons because
till death do us part.

And then, when you put
the two pieces together,

it looks like they boning,

which is one of our
favorite things to do.

Well, remember that you're
gonna have to wear that ring

every day until you
die and go to heaven,

which means that you're gonna have

boning skeletons on your hand

- when you meet Jesus.
- Oh...

He gonna be so jealous.

What the hell is wrong with you?

That ring is so ugly. I
bought it from a sex shop.

And I'm not even sure it's for a finger.

But if you hate it,
then why'd you buy it?

And, damn, I feel bad
for the dude this fits on.

Babe, come sit with me.

Look...

I have to be honest with you.

I don't like my ring.

Wait, what?

I love how much thought you put into it,

it's just... not my style.

Not your style? I mean,
what could you possibly

not like about it?

That it's beautiful?
That it's thoughtful?

That it glows in the dark?

You never even mentioned that.

I feel like such an idiot.

I'm sorry. That's why I
never wanted to say anything.

I spent the last month
thinking that you loved it

because that's what you told me

and everyone we know.

Not me. She told me she
ain't like it from the jump.

Okay, shut your mouth
before you taste this thing.

- I can't believe this.
- W... Carter...

I don't want to be that guy,

but if you officially broke up,

I'm interested.

(laughter)

You know my favorite part of bingo?

This. (sniffs deeply)

Oh, look out.

Oh, I be trippin'.

Oh, yeah, looks like
we're gonna be using

- that bar in the shower tonight.
- Stop.

I miss quaaludes.

(laughter)

♪ There was a daughter had a game ♪

♪ And bingo was its name-oh. ♪

- PATTY: Oh, good, Kat's here.
- Hi, everyone.

For those of you who
haven't met me B-four,

my name is Kat Silver.

And you might think I
work hard on these puns,

but my sense of humor is N-Eight.

- (laughter)
- Katharine.

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

I told you bingo was for residents only.

Oh, that's why I volunteered
to be the belle of the balls.

(chuckles) Gotta love a loophole.

Why does it feel like
my -year-old daughter

is enjoying my retirement
home more than I am?

Oh, you'll get there.

I mean, there's water
aerobics tomorrow at : .

Try not to make jokes
about Charlie's Speedo.

It covers less than my thong.

Okay, let me be clear.

These are my friends, not yours.

PATTY: Hey, Kat,

big sale on black
licorice at the Kroger.

(laughs) Get there before I do, Patty.

(laughing)

You were saying?

How am I supposed to
start my new life here

when you're always around
saying, "Look at me,

look at me, I have thinning hair, too."

Why are you getting so upset?

Why do you need so much attention?

What are you talking about?

You're being... I believe
Carter calls it "thirsty."

Wait, are you jealous?

- That is ridiculous.
- Hold up.

For the first time ever, people like me

more than they like you,
and it's driving you crazy.

Oh, my goodness, I'm popular.

I'm one of the mean girls.

You're driving me crazy.

And by the look of your panty lines,

you got your thong on backwards.

(gasps)

Joke's on you, I like it this way.

Hey, man.

What up, man? You going to Kat's?

Yeah. She wants to watch Mean Girls

and talk about how popular she is.

She thinks she's a Cady,
but she's really a Gretchen.

- What's up with you?
- Randi and I got into a fight about her engagement ring.

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay. Catch you later.

Of course I want to talk about it.

I'm staring into a fire drinking tea.

Read the damn signs, man.

All right. And you're a Regina.

How could she not like the ring?

It has a diamond and a
ruby shaped like hearts.

You know how rare those are in nature?

I think it's awesome.

The two hearts look like butts touching.

Or boobs touching.

Or a butt and a boob touching.

The best art is open to interpretation.

Too bad I didn't propose to you.

Well, if you ever do, make
sure it's at a football game,

and it's on a Jumbotron.

Listen, I know it sucks,
but it's not your fault.

I tried so hard to make
something special for her.

Like, really tried.

Like, opened up my Notes app tried.

I know. But at the end of the day,

it's just a thing.

What's really important
is that she loves you.

I guess. I mean, why can't
women be simple like guys?

All we want is sports, beer and sex.

If we're lucky, all at the same time.

Aka, the holy trinity.

Well, tonight Kat's giving me
a rom-com, tea and feelings,

aka the unholy trinity.

Mm-mm-mm.

Hey, what's all this?

My friends from Valley Hills
are coming to the café.

I thought I'd surprise
them all with ID bracelets.

Mm. "Hi, I'm Charlie.

If found, I live at
Valley Hills Lane.

I fart when startled."

My mom doesn't want me
going to Valley Hills,

but she can't stop me from

hanging out with my friends here.

Now, for Patty, what's a nice way to say

"truly dangerous driver"?

Girl, just put "old."

What's new with the ring sitch?

Oh, Carter freaked out when
I told him I didn't like it.

Oh. Well, do you want me to talk to him?

I'm popular now, and people
listen to popular people.

No, I think I'm gonna keep it.

I mean, it's just a ring.
Who cares what it looks like?

Plus, with a face like this,

no one's gonna be looking at my hands.

- Preach!
- (laughs)

KAT: Oh, there they are. Hi.

Welcome to Kat's Cat Café.

Come on in, have a seat, pet a cat.

- Okay. Good kitty.
- (Kat chuckles)

So, what do you want to do today?

We could play bridge, hit a deli,

have some soup.

Oh, we could go to a grocery store

and pay with a check.

Shouldn't we wait for Sheila?

Maybe we can have some
soup while we wait.

- Actually, my mother will not be joining us today.
- What?

- Why not?
- Well, you know, to be honest,

I think she's a little
jealous that y'all like me

more than you like her.

It's not a contest.

Oh, of course it's not.

But if were, do you know who would win?

(announcer voice): Kat Silver!

(chanting): Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat...

Soup, soup, soup, soup.

Y-You know,

when you invited us,

well, we just assumed
your mother would be here.

Well, we don't need her to have fun.

You know, I'm here. Soup, soup, soup!

If this were soup, it'd be
Campbell's Extra-Awkward,

Maybe we should just head home.

Yeah. You know, your
mother's our friend.

We don't want to make her feel bad.

Oh, no. (chuckles) Don't go.

Hey, how about this,
we could go upstairs

to my place and watch Mean Girls,

then we could make a Burn
Book and use a large font.

Kat, you're a really sweet girl

and we like you a lot,

but hanging out with you
without your mom is...

Borderline creepy.

Yeah, we don't want to get
involved in family drama.

Then why are you and your sister

still fighting over the hutch?

My mother promised it to me.

My sister doesn't even collect plates.

I-I collect plates. You want to see?

I just got a new one from... Epcot.

- (knock on door)
- (both scream)

Damn!

What are you throwing
away, rocks and sticks?

Come in.

I see you're wearing your ring.

Is it because of the sad
poem I left on your voicemail?

"R is for the ring I got you.

A is for an ass that don't quit."

Actually, you left that
on the café voicemail,

and now Kat thinks it's okay to say.

But...

I want to keep the ring.

You made it special for me,
and that's what's important.

Oh, baby, you don't have to keep it.

I got you this.

But it's empty.

Wait, are you un-proposing?

You can't. I already
registered for a NutriBullet.

No, I want you to
pick out your own ring.

- Really?
- Yes.

You deserve to have one that you love

as much as I love you.

Oh, I love you, too. Thank you.

But you can return this one, right?

No, but I got it insured.

- So if they call, you were mugged.
- (laughs)

- Oh. You're so sweet.
- Yeah.

You know what, tonight we can do

whatever you want.

Maybe have a couple drinks,
watch the Louisville game.

- Maybe wear something edible.
- (gasps)

- The holy trinity?
- Mm-hmm.

I'd marry you right now if I could.

♪ Get your scooter running ♪

♪ Heading down the hallway ♪

♪ Looking for my dentures ♪

♪ I think I left it on my tray. ♪

- There you go, dear.
- Thank you, Barbara.

And, uh, for reals, if you
ever want to sell this baby,

I'm your first and last call.

Oh, you're not Hans.

Why would you be drinking
with your massage therapist?

Why are you asking questions
you don't want the answers to?

- I came to apologize.
- Oh.

For the way you've been acting,

or for what you did to
my once-flawless body?

Mikhail Baryshnikov's words, not mine.

I'm sorry.

I really was coming here
for you, but I admit it.

I got caught up in all the attention.

I'm not surprised they like you.

Why? Because people who
wear corrective footwear

- are my people?
- No.

Because you're bubbly,
you're infectious.

You make them laugh.

Oh.

Thank you.

I mean, to be fair, you can use a lot of

the same jokes every day; they forget.

It's just... I'm starting

a whole new chapter of my life here,

and I didn't enjoy being in your shadow.

I guess I didn't handle that very well.

No, it's my fault.
Those are your friends.

I-I need to leave you alone,
let you do your own thing.

And you're gonna need
these a lot more than I do.

I don't want you to leave me alone.

You're my daughter.

Moving here has been
harder than I thought.

And I need you to support me.

Mother...

- I didn't say hug me!
- Okay.

- (upbeat dance music playing)
- ♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, back in front ♪

♪ I'm going real high ♪
♪ No, you're not ♪

♪ 'Cause you're stayin' alive ♪
♪ Hey, today gave it ♪

♪ All that I got ♪

♪ Said up, ah ♪

♪ Oh, my, my ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

- ♪ Well, all right ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You're lookin' real fly now ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, I'm livin' ♪

♪ If you want respect in my city ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I'm chaperone, now. ♪