01x02 - Benedict Cumbercrapp

[bunniefuu]

Hmm?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!
Stop.

What are you doing?

Ash? Ashley.

Oh, God.

Oh, no!

No!

What?

Hey. Sorry.
Hi.

I'm just heading off to work.

Did you sleep OK?

You have any issues
throughout the night at all?

What time is it?
Ah, it's : .

Oh.

Listen, hey. Sorry.

So, thanks for staying last night.
I do appreciate that.

So, thanks for staying last night.
I do appreciate that.

Yeah, no worries.
So, the job was good, eh?

Yeah, no... no trouble.

So, just um...
You're good to head off, yeah?

What? Head off?

Well, no, no, not head off.
That sounds bad.

But you're good to decide today
where you're gonna stay

from now on, both of you?

Sorry.

What time is it?

It's still : .

You just said something last night

maybe you might stay
at your Mum's place?

f*ck no. Was I drunk?

Oh, maybe, I'm not sure.

But you definitely said

you would find somewhere else
to stay today.

So, just making sure
you're good for that.

OK.

We'll be out by tonight.

I don't mean to rush you.
I feel like you do.

No, no, no, I'm just late for work.

You've got my number

so, and you know
where the bathroom is,

so, you know,
there's a toilet in there

and you can use that anytime.

Ah, I gotta get going.

But you know where it is.

You know where everything
is in the kitchen

and the toilet and stuff.

So, let me know how you go.

What an arsehole.

: ? f*ck that.

: ? f*ck that.

(THEME MUSIC)

So, wait, she was there
when you got back?

Dude, she's still there now.

Oh, damn, brother! Smooth!

No, dude, nothing happened.

Except, oh, except
something happened.

Something kinda f*cked up.

What's happened?

So, I'm asleep, right?

And um...

Just gotta take this. Hang on.

No, no, just tell me.
Just tell me! Come on, quick, quick!

Just hold on for a second.
What happened?

Oh, would you just shut the f*ck up?

Oh, would you just shut the f*ck up?

Gordon, it's Dr Bruce.

I'm sorry. Um, hello.

Ah, is everything OK?

Oh, Gordon,
much as we'd expect, really.

AFP was normal,
which is the main one.

PSA and CEA are all normal,

so there's nothing to worry
about it there.

OK, good.

You've just never called me
before after a check-up,

so I was a bit worried.

Oh, we don't want you
to worry, Gordon.

No.

So, all the test results
are good then?

Bloodwork is good.
Great.

The urine's come back a little high,

though, so I'd like to get you
in for a follow-up.

Has the cancer come back?

Is that what you're saying?

Cancer, Gordon,
is just a catch-all term

for irregular cell growth,

so I don't think it's helpful
to talk about cancer at this stage.

Oh, f*ck! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

You right?
Sorry. f*ck it!

Oh! Ooh! f*ck.

You OK, man?
Yeah, good, good. You're good.

Sorry about that.

Yes, I know
what cancer is, Dr Bruce.

You have diagnosed me
with it before.

You have diagnosed me
with it before.

And we caught it in time,
didn't we Gordon, hey?

So, there's no issue.

I'd just like to get you
in for a follow-up.

Sorry, are you eating?
Yes.

Just a bickie. Are you eating?
No!

I'd like to order a cystoscopy
as soon as you can manage it.

What is that? Removal of a cyst?

No, no, nothing like that.

It's just to have a look
at what's going on inside

by the insertion of a small camera.

Up my penis?

I wouldn't worry, Gordon.

OK, I'll call
to set up an appointment.

Thanks, Dr Bruce.

Ah, sh*t.
You OK?

Yeah, yeah, I'm alright.
What's happened?

Nothing that was a...
a business... order.

With your special house guest.

Yes.
Ah, so, she pissed in my drawers.

Congrats, mate.

How many drops
is he s'posed to have?

How many drops
is he s'posed to have?

OK.

Yum!

Yummy-yummer!

Oh!

Hello?

Mum?

Erin's been r*ped.
Oh, my god!

Wait, who's Erin?
Erin. Your friend Erin!

I don't...

Oh! Oh, Erin Shepley?
From primary school?

I'm still close with her mother.

No, you're not.

Why're you telling me this?

Did you come all this way
just to tell me this?

Yes!
Are you gonna ask me in?

How'd you know where I was?

Find my iPhone.
Oh, that's... f*cked up.

What?

Don't you want to be part
of the family plan anymore?

That is so unfair.

Look, I was worried.

The news about Erin really shook me.

Did it?

Move over, I'm coming in.
No, you're not.

I am. Beep-beep!
You can't block a woman.

I am. Beep-beep!
You can't block a woman.

God, you're so good at that.

Oh, God, the lamp's alive.

No, this is... this is Colin.
He's kind of my dog.

What's wrong with him?
Is he broken?

He's not broken.
Colin, this is your grandma.

Say, "Hi, Grandma."

Now, don't be ridiculous, Ashley.

I will never be called Grandma.

Just Lynelle,
or something cute like Gaga LynLyn.

Right, OK.

And you don't need a dog.
You can barely look after yourself.

What about your studies?

I'm...
What's he do?

Um, he runs a brewery or something.

Very hip. Cute?

He's fine.
It's about the dog. We hit this dog.

Well, you've gotta
start somewhere, darling.

I pretended to like Italian cars
to land my ex.

Can you stop calling him your ex?

He's my Dad.

What's this?

Brewer's Best .

Mum, stop!
Who's Gordon Crapp?

What?

With two Ps?
Gordon Crapp. Oh, no.

Oh, my god.

I thought Gordon was bad.
Oh, that's funny.

Oh, darling, forget this one.
You can't be Ashley Crapp.

Imagine, A Crapp. I don't think so.

Imagine, A Crapp. I don't think so.

Yeah, I'm not marrying him, Mum.

Google?

How much is this house worth?
That's an oil diffuser, Mum.

Is it?
Yeah.

Quite nice.

What's his Manchester like?
What?

Its key, darling.

You want high-end,

but if the thread count's too high,
could be gay.

Jesus, Mum.

Where's his bedroom?
Don't go up there.

Just for a minute.
Do not! Stop it.

Mum!

Cheap.
Good, can we go now? Come on.

Oh! It's all wet!

What? Move.

Dear God!

Oh, f*ck! f*ck it!

Oh, Ashley, you didn't!
I thought you were past all this.

I am. I am, Mummy!

Oh, it's like year ten camp
all over again!

Don't! Stop it!

But you can't blame
Renee Granville this time!

Well, you can't stay here.

Not if he knows about this.

You're gonna have to come home.
You need your mother's touch.

Mama, stay out of this.
I do not know why you're here.

Mama, stay out of this.
I do not know why you're here.

I told you. Erin!

I worked on all these boundaries

with my therapist.

You don't need boundaries.
Just come home, darling.

What have I done?
Oh, my god, I wanna die!

I really don't think
Costco's the place for this, Mum.

Costco's the place
for everything, darling.

I'm a gold member.

Lightly crumbed calamari,
they've got it.

Fertiliser, they've got it.

I need drawers.
They've got it!

And they don't make a cent
on this stuff, Ashley Marie.

They actually lose money
on the roast chickens.

I don't think
the drawers will match, Mum.

I should get
a roast chicken, actually.

And that's it.

That's why you got me to Costco,
'cause you need a chicken.

Oh, come on.

Hey, Meggles.

I'm out the front, Babe.
You close?

Where did you park, Megan?
It's quite full for a Tuesday.

No, you're not parking.

Just... just pull up over here.
Drop off.

We're just coming round the corner.
Ah.

That's us.
OK.

That's us.

Why can't I come with you, girls?

No, we're just in and out, Mum.

Well, you two can go shopping.
I'll look after Gollum.

Well, you two can go shopping.
I'll look after Gollum.

Colin. No, he's coming with me.

You gonna take
your sunnies off, or...

Nuh.

Did you go out with Ryan last night?

Yeah.

Did you take Dexies?
Yeah.

Fucken nurses, man!

Access to all the dr*gs.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

You guys still do
above-ground pools?

What? I don't work here.
Oh, sorry.

Come on.

OK.

This is actually pretty good.
bucks.

OK!

You know, he's gonna know
they're not the same.

Yes, thank you, Meggles.
I do know that.

Excuse me?
Yeah?

Have you sold out
of digital grand pianos?

I don't work here!
Sorry.

I think I saw them, though.

Somewhere like over there.
Thanks.

What's going on?

Do you like him or something?

The guy?
No, it's about this dog.

You know, we hit this dog...

No, he hit the dog.

Yeah, but I... helped him...

No, Ash, listen to me, OK?

You're not over James,
you're on Austudy,

You're not over James,
you're on Austudy,

and you've been
kicked out of your house

because of a dog that he hit.

Sixth-year prac is mental...
I know.

Am I right?
I know.

You gotta focus on you, babe.
Like call him.

Tell him,
"Thanks for the weird memories."

But you're out.
He can keep the dog. Ta.

And can we sit down?

Can you not yell at me in Costco?

I'm sorry, call him.

And we don't have
this little cutey anymore,

you can come and stay on Nan's couch
till you find a place.

Why can't I just come with him?

Nan's already pissing herself
in a wheelchair.

That's too much for one house.

And anyway, this year
is meant to be about you and me.

It's just us, and our studies.

And Dexies, apparently.
What?

No, I'll call him. I'll call him.

Oh. Ah. Oh.
(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, here we go.
It's her. It's her.

Here we go.
Yeah, go, go, go.

Hey, how're you going?

Hey, not bad. How's work?

Yep. Fine.

Yep. Fine.

Cool.

Are you still at my place, or...

No, I'm just out and about.

Oh, have you found a place?
No.

Still working on that.
Oh, OK.

Hey.

Get her out.
And put her on speaker.

Yeah, speaker, speaker.
OK. OK, OK.

Are you on a break?
What?

You can make calls
in the break room,

but you can't be doing it out here.

Hang on.
Do I look like I work here?

Yes.

f*ck. Right. OK.
Thank... thank you.

I don't.

All calls in the break room.

I'm not going to the break room!

Yeah, you... you really should go
to the break room.

It's super unprofessional.

Where is the break room?
Hello, you still there?

Hang on.
You go. You go.

Yeah, sorry. So here's the thing.

I can't look after this dog /
and look for somewhere to live

and do sixth-year medicine,
It's just not possible.

So, you're gonna have to take care
of him

while I find
a more permanent situation.

That's just how it is.

No, Ash. Hard no.

I told you from the get-go
I was in no position

to look after a high-needs dog, OK?

I can't have him here at work.
Plus, I have a date tonight.

That is really not my problem,
Gordon.

And you know what?
It was your destiny to hit this dog.

You would have done it
with or without me.

I'm not part of it.
That's good. That's good.

No, no, don't go hippy-dippy
mid- s sh*t on me, Ashley, OK?

This is now a burden,

which is exactly
what you said it wouldn't be.

We made a deal, OK?

I intend on keeping my word.

How about you stand by yours
and look after Colin?

Yeah, I can do that, Gordon,

but not if you're going
to patronise me,

actually,
and not if I have to be out

by fucken sundown.

Do you seriously have nowhere else

that you can stay tonight?

Like nowhere?
No, I do.

I can stay with a friend, I can.
Just not with a high-needs dog.

So, your options are... A.

I stay with Colin in your house,

or B, just Colin stays
in your house.

Your call.

No way!
No! No!

OK. You can stay tonight.

No, no, no,
I will stay a couple more nights,

yeah, without the hassle.

Alright. OK.
You can stay a few more nights.

But I have a date tonight,
and they might come home.

I don't know yet, alright?
So, just know that.

Well done.
Yes, bring them back.

And yes,
I can bring a date home, alright?

It's my house.
Yes.

And I'm single.

OK, mate.
No one's saying you're not.

Good! OK.

Exactly.
See ya.

Bye.

Well, you showed her.

That got so weird. He's weird.
Mm.

You're both weird.
We're both weird.

Girls!

Mum, why are you here?

I've spoken to Erin's mother.

We're having coffee next week,
so... stay tuned.

Anyone hungry?

(SOFT MUSIC)

There's nothing out there.

Share house. Backpackers.

Share house with acting students?

No, Jesus!

Hey, guy.

Hey, boy, hi!

Hi, yeah.

Hey.

All good?
All good.

OK, well,
I'm just in and out anyway, so...

You do you.

OK, so ah, I'm heading off.

Everything OK?
Yeah. Everything good with you?

Yeah, just still looking
for a share house.

OK, cool.
Well, I'll see you later.

Cool. Have fun, Mr Crapp.

Oh, you buried the lead
on that one, didn't ya?

You never asked.

"Everyone calls me Flash."
No wonder.

Your name's Gordon Crapp.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, now you know. You happy?
Very happy.

OK.
Thank you.

Good. Enjoy. Enjoy, Colin.

Oh...

There's a really good
pizza place on the corner

and I have an account there.

So, if you want,
just call and no problem.

I can say the pizza's
for Crapptain Planet?

I can say the pizza's
for Crapptain Planet?

Yep.

Eric Crappton?
Sure.

Benedict Cumbercrapp.
Get it out of your system.

Harry Potter
and the Chamber of Crapp?

Yep. OK.
I got heaps more.

Do you shop at Crappmandu?

It's actually pronounced Crah-pay.
What?

It's Crah-pay

but my... I think great-grandfather
dropped the e, so...

It's not!
It is.

What's that French for? Turds?

You know what?
Forget the pizza.

No, I want pizza!
I do. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye, Mr Crappe.

Pizza time, bitch.

Are you Gordon?

Belinda?
Yes.

Belinda?
Yes.

Would you like to sit down?
Sure.

Alright.

Evening, folks.

I see you have your drinks already.
Yes. Wonderful.

Have you dined with us before?
No.

OK, well we have the smaller plates
up top there,

medium-sized plates
in the middle.

The larger plates you'll find down
there at the bottom

and the sweet stuff
you'll find on the back.

Right.

And um, what are the little numbers
next to the meal descriptions?

The prices.

Sorry, that was a joke.
I apologise.

Oh.
Sorry.

Well, my name's Dean.

I'll be taking care of you tonight.
OK.

My pronouns are he/his.

Alright. I'll be back in a bit.

See you soon.
Thanks, Dean.

Jeez, how tall's Dean?

His pronouns should be
fee/fi/fo/fum.

No, you can't say that.

I've got trans friends.
Sorry.

That's not cool.
Sorry. No, that was a joke.

That's not cool.
Sorry. No, that was a joke.

I stole it from Twitter,
anyway, so not my joke.

That's a good start.

Sorry for being transphobic
or for stealing jokes?

Mm. For both.

Honestly, for both.

Although, it was more of a tall joke
than a trans joke.

Mm, not really.

Well it was if you think...

Well, you were using trans language
in a joke so it was...

I'm not sure what trans language is.

It's all language.
Well, either way, it's not cool.

Really, well,
it's not cool, I agree.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

God, I hate these things, don't you?

They're so awkward.

Dates?
Eugh! Just the worst.

They actually are.

Can we just cut
through all the sh*t?

Yeah.

What do you do? What do I do?
Oh, my god.

So contrived.
It really is.

And yet we keep doing them.
No, let's not do that.

Let's not do that.

OK, deal.
Deal.

OK, deal.
Deal.

So, what do you do?

Oh, you're actually asking me.
I run a brewery.

Yeah, I run a brewery. I'm a brewer.

Like beer?
Yeah, beer. Make beer.

Serve beer. Love beer.

You're not an alcoholic, are you?

Is that a deal breaker?

Well, my dad was a raging alcoholic.

I mean, yeah, isn't everyone's dad?

He d*ed.

Of the alcohol?
And that's a yes.

I'm thinking that's a yes. Sorry.

The shiozake...

I don't know how you pronounce
that, shiozake, is looking good.

I'll give you a minute if you want.

Just here. Just here, mate.

Ooh! Ow! You bit me.
Um, this is actually me. Ah, yeah.

This is me too.

Oh, yeah, I've had a great night
and I've loved all of it.

But um, I'm pretty tired.

So, I've got an early start.
Might just call it.

Well, I'm not calling it.
Oh.

I wanna meet your new
doggy-woggy with the wheels.

Yeah. He's pretty sleepy.

Well, we'll wake him up.

No, no, no,
I've got a really early start.

Honestly, Belinda.

I wake up every day at : .
We can go for a run!

Hey.
Oh, hey.

How was your date?
Um...

She's here!

Oh, hi.
Who's that?

This is, um, this is Ashley.

Ashley's my...

Sister.

Much younger sister.

I was an accident.

Oh! Yes.

I can see it.

Oh, my god. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, cool.

I'm actually just gonna head to bed.

Goodnight!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do you have anything to drink?

I think we're out of drinks,
aren't we?

Out of drinks?

Bro, they're behind you!

Oh!
Silly!

Oh, God, that's right.

Let's make cocktails.

Oh, do you want cocktails?

That seems a lot at this time
of night.

Yeah, have cocktails!

Oh, hey, do you wanna have
a drink with us?

No! I'll leave you to it!

Oh, we haven't caught
up... we haven't caught up at all

since you've been in town.

Yeah, we have!
Oh, not really though.

Not really.

Who wants a drink with my sister?

Not me!

OK, I'll have one.

So, then, yeah, he was gone.

So, who was Terry?

Terry?
Who's Terry?

He's our...
He's our eldest brother.

Yeah.
Very old.

Very... He's quite old.

I mean, I haven't seen him
since the sentencing.

What was he...

What'd they fine him for,
in the end?

They got him for like waving it.

Public indecency.

Yeah.

He was... he was always
a troubled kid, in many ways.

He was... he was always
a troubled kid, in many ways.

Yeah, troubled adult.

Can't go near schools anymore.

No, no, no, 'cause he can't...

We don't want him to trouble kids.

Yeah. Anyway...

Anyway.
Did you guys ever...

Do you ever talk about the kiss?

No, no, we... we...

And I don't really want
to talk about it.

I mean, we were pretty drunk
and you know,

it's just brothers being brothers.

Bros be bros, man.

Sometimes, yeah.

Yeah.

So, where'd you guys grow up?

Melbourne.
Adelaide.

Then Adelaide.
Melbourne first, then Adelaide.

Yeah.

But we had to move around
a lot as kids.

A lot.
We had to 'cause of Dad's...

Ankles. (LAUGHS)

They called him Fat Ankle Joe.
Ah.

And they laughed him
out of the Navy,

so we couldn't stay there.

We had to keep moving.

Keep it... keep it light.

Rolling stone.

Yeah.

Well, on that note,
I think I'm gonna head off.

Nice to meet you, Ashley.

Can I call you a cab, or...

I ordered an Uber-like
five minutes ago.

Oh.

You just didn't notice
'cause you're in some weird game

You just didn't notice
'cause you're in some weird game

of sexy Family Feud
with your sister.

You two, that's not right.

I've got brothers, but that's off.

I get it, but we've just always
been a close family.

You're a gross family.

Do you even have a crippled dog,

or did you just make that up
to lure me here?

Yeah, we go. He's...

I think he's upstairs.

Oh, and how did he get upstairs
if he's in a wheelchair?

I'm not an idiot!

This is mine now.

Bye!

What?

Did she just rob you?

She just nicked my whisky.

Oh! Boom.
Gone. Sis!

Bro!

My God, what about her?

She crazy.

She hot.

You gonna see her again?
Hopefully.

Yeah, f*ck.

Whoo!

That was fun.
Yeah, wasn't it?

I'm ah, I'm sorry
about that phone call today.

Oh, no, don't be. Don't be.

Oh, no, don't be. Don't be.

It got a bit...
No, I'm sorry.

It was stupid, honestly.

Yeah.

Um, and also, you didn't have
to replace those drawers.

Oh, my god.

I really did, though.

Yeah, you did.

I'm mortified, obviously.

Hey, it's OK. It happens.

Does it?
Does it happen to you?

No, no, no.

Don't laugh.

Sorry, it doesn't.

It's like a new environment,
stress thing.

I'm under a lot of pressure.

It hasn't happened
for a very long time

and it won't happen again, ever.

Don't sweat it. It's OK.

We're golden.

New drawers for me...

Yeah, they're good...

..which is a big plus and...

But if you want, you know,
I do have an ensuite off my bedroom.

Oh.
If you want.

Oh.

Oh, mm, I'm not really there,

if you know what I mean.

No, no, I'm not there either.

No, God no. No, no.

I know you're doing the days
of sexless, aren't you?

So...
Mm-hm.

So...
Mm-hm.

Yeah, no, god no,
I didn't mean that.

I just thought we could swap rooms.

That's all I meant.
Oh!

Yeah.
I really... That's...

I don't need that.
That's very nice, though.

I am very nice.

We're just mates, yeah?

Yeah.
I mean, we're not really mates.

Why? Why aren't we mates?

Well, I mean,
we... we can try to be mates.

But I mean, currently,
I've seen your nipple.

So, we can't be mates
because you've seen my nipple?

Don't you agree?

I mean, I'm not trying to be a d*ck
or anything,

but isn't that a thing
that we're both aware of?

I'm not aware of it.
I see nipples every day.

Well, I don't see nipples every day,
and they mean something to me.

And I'm just saying...

You're just saying
that we cannot be mates.

Well...

That's insane.
Well I'm not...

I don't mean to be all
'When Harry Met Sally' about it...

Who are they?
Are they friends of yours?

No, 'When Harry Met Sally'.

Women and men can't be friends.

I'll have what she's having.

What are we having?

How old are... Doesn't matter.

How's about you show me your nipple
and then we're even?

How's about you show me your nipple
and then we're even?

OK, yeah.

Alright, let's do that.

Then we're even.
Even.

OK, you be in your car.

I'm not being in the car.
Be in the car.

Here?
Yeah.

Be in your cool vintage hipster car,
and I'll just be walking along.

Ready?

I don't walk like that.

There you go.
That's bullshit.

Ready? Ready?
I don't look like that.

Great. Awesome.

And I didn't hit a dog.

That's a win.

Was that nice?
That was nice.

Feel quite liberated.
Do you wanna see the other one?

No, I don't.

I wanna get em out all the time now.

Don't.
OK.

Straight to the wank bank.

Really?
f*ck no.

It was like an old man's nipple.

Like cabanossi.

OK. Goodnight,
weird mate. See ya.

Where are you going?

Oh, sorry.
No, we can't walk off together.

No.
You go.

Just don't follow me to bed.

I'll clean up.
Yep.

I'll see you in a couple of hours
when you need to do a wee.

Don't!

Too soon?

Way too soon.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Night, weird mate.

Yes!