01x02 - Rival Queens

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
some strong language.

It's good news.

You can have a child now.

Don't we have to have sex first?

You'll be breeding like rabbits when
you complete my course.

Mama says...

"If he won't come to you,
you must go to him."

I've never had that problem but...

..can't hold out forever.

Can't he? It's been four months.

Time for your lesson.

Let's start with revision.

Seduction begins with a kiss.

And the kiss begins with your eyes.

And now my lips.

Close your eyes.

MUSIC

SOUNDS ECHO

LOUD BANG

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Come on, come on, boy, get up,
good boy, good boy.

SHE GASPS

CANDLE HOLDER RATTLES

SHE GROANS

Stupid!

FLOOR CREAKS

SHE GASPS

MUSIC

MUSIC

CLOCK CHIMES

CLEARS THROAT

Give it to me, Julie.

It must be the princess.

DOOR OPENS

I'm so sorry, I forgot the time.

I'm sorry.

Yes, it's very helpful,
Prime Minister, thank you.

Perfect timing, I need a gentleman's
opinion.

Darling.

Which do you prefer?

This ring or that bracelet?

Neither, d'Aiguillon has just shown
me your accounts.

I'll take both.

Excellent choice.

And you, d'Aiguillon?

Are you planning to slash my
allowance from the privy purse?

I am told that being sensible
can't k*ll you.

But why take the chance?

Whose turn is it this morning,
France?

Oh, you choose, my love.

I'm honoured, sire.

It will have to be Lamballe.

She's hopeless, and she hates men.

I know, but if we don't find a wife
for Papa

we will never get rid of that
strumpet.

Good God, Prime Minister. We have
been here so many times before.

This could mean w*r.

Why?

France would be obliged to take a
stand against Austria

if she joins in the carve up of
Poland.

How can we go to w*r with our ally?

Our treaty has not been ratified.

Austria has not yet performed her
duty to France.

It's perplexing.

Especially when Austria appears to
be willing.

One can't help wondering if the
problem lies with France.

There is nothing wrong with my
grandson.

The little Dauphine arrived here
completely unprepared.

Were you aware that she knew nothing
about the marriage bed?

Madame du Barry has taken it upon
herself

to educate the girl,
for heaven's sake.

She hadn't even started her menses.

And if I don't care what the
Countess spends

neither should you.

Good.

Someone was standing by my bureau.

Perhaps you were dreaming?

I can assure you I wasn't.

If Mops had been with me
he would have chased them off.

I will put in another request.

The French seem remarkably reluctant
to allow him to return.

How are you settling in with your
household?

Madame Etiquette doesn't stop
snarling at me.

Perhaps she's not amused by her
nickname.

I can't think who coined it.

SHE GASPS

Did you see?
He completely ignored her.

You can blame him.

You look delicious, my love.

Slut!

Let's go hunting.

You knew she wasn't menstruating
when she left Vienna?

I had no idea, Prime Minister.

Extraordinary.

That an Austrian diplomat with
your experience

would take France
for a complete fool.

Are you not riding with us today,
little Dauphine?

I can't ride, Papa Roi.

Mama forbids it.

We shall have to find our way around
that imperial diktat.

Ah, my little Italian,
always so very late.

I'm so sorry, Majesty.

I'm teasing you, child.

LAUGHTER

HORN PLAYS

HUNT DOGS BARK

Isn't she magnificent?

She's teaching me the art of
seduction.

Be careful of her lessons.

Lamballe will never agree.

She's a shrinking violet.

That Austrian bitch will do our work
for us.

DOGS BARK

It's them.

What is he doing?

STAG GRUNTS

THEY GASP

HORN BLOWS

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

Ah, here she is!

Did you enjoy the hunt,
little Dauphine, huh?

Papa Roi, it was thrilling.

It really was.

Look at you.

Isn't she adorable, huh?

Someone's taken your seat.

Go and charm the pants off your
husband.

Monsieur, wait.

Monsieur, you were so brave this
morning.

I...I was certain the stag was going
to get the better of you.

But he didn't stand a chance.

I have never seen anything like it.

Would you like to visit me this
evening?

Eat.

Eat!

Oh, look at them.

I can't take any more.

She has got to go.

Why don't you come with me?

Sorry.

I can be an absolute devil.

Smile!

SHE LAUGHS

It's a love apple from Spain.

An aphrodisiac, apparently.

It's often confusing to be
confronted with the unfamiliar.

I've always found it best just to
plunge in.

Oh, the skin is tight.

My tip is meeting my resistance.

But if you just gently push...

..through...

..I find myself the most...

soft, ripe, interior.

Oh...

Am I making any sense at all,
my boy?

Should I eat it? Papa,
will you let me eat it?

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

THEY CONTINUE CHUCKLING

Brava, little Dauphine.

You are a natural.

Surely the Empress can't complain
about you riding a donkey now, can
she?

Well, I'm not going to tell her,
Papa Roi.

Neither will I.

SHE GASPS

Oh, France, let her rest.

She's already had one ass between
her legs today.

Be careful, child.

Papa Roi has a penchant for virgin.

HE GASPS

Oh!

SLURPING

SLURPING

Oh!

My dog was sent back to Austria at
the border.

Oh, what a pity.

Why wasn't it allowed to stay?

Mops didn't have a passport.

CLEARS THROAT

So, to business.

We have been searching all over
Europe for a suitable wife for Papa

and we finally found her.

Right here, under our nose.

Who have you chosen this time,
madam?

Tada!

Me?!

Why not?

She's less his type than all the
others put together.

She'll do!
She's a princess of the blood.

Don't you want to be the
Queen of France? No.

Do I?

Perhaps our little Dauphine can
assist us.

Papa will listen to you.

Does he want a wife?

What he wants is irrelevant.

Duty and decorum dictate that the
King has a wife.

Then why doesn't he
marry Madame du Barry?

How can the King of France...
..marry the Whore of Babylon?

What?

Do you know what a whore is?

LAUGHTER

Allow me, allow me.

She is a woman who screws for her
supper.

Your friend was your age
when she first spread her legs.

HE PANTS

Thank you, Monsieur.

Thank you, Monsieur.

Not in the mood?

What's new?

SHE GASPS

Good Lord!

LAUGHTER

Too much?

Not enough.

Is it true?

I suppose you found it funny that I
didn't know.

What is, what is this place?

Is this my life now?

Trapped where I can trust no-one,
not even you.

You, Monsieur.

No, look at me, look at ME!

Why, why don't you like me?

What, what have I done wrong?

Say something.
Speak, speak to me!

I am your wife!

When are you going to be my husband?

Friday the st.

The Dauphine
lost her temper with me.

I think she is not suited to life at
Versailles.

Ready for your lesson?

Put that in the drawer for me,
will you?

Time to explore what turns us ladies
on between the sheets.

I'm busy.

I'll come back after supper,
we can have a girls night in.

I'm busy.

Tomorrow?

Let me guess...

You're busy.

Have Madame been filling your head
with nonsense about me?

You should have told me!

Why, why didn't you?

My past is of no interest to me.

Why is it of any interest to you?

So you were making a fool of me.

Au contraire,
I was trying to help you.

Who else is there
around here to do the job?

Oh, what a loyal friend I have(!)

DRAWER OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

READS MOCKINGLY: Do not indulge in
the frivolity of the French.

Remain a good Austrian archduchess.

I have said it before to your
sisters

and I will say it again to you -

don't go near a horse until you have
a bouncing Bourbon heir.

And a spare.

Why didn't she tell her daughter
how to f*ck?

At least my mother had the decency
to prepare me for my career.

And what a career -

from street girl
to the King's favourite.

And all the way back again.

I'm going nowhere.

I wasn't dreaming, Mercy.

Someone stole it.
Someone stole Mama's letter.

I'll look into it.

In the meantime,
keep out of trouble.

I'm not in trouble.

Have Mesdames been drawing you into
their little scheme?

How do you know about that?

Everyone knows about it.

There are no secrets here.

Right, so you knew, you knew about
Madame du Barry?

What difference does it make who she
was?

Difference?

A whore?!

What would Mama say?

The Empress says that
if she is the King's favourite,
you should be her friend.

Ah! What about Mesdames?

Don't get caught up in the crossfire
between them and Madame du Barry.

It's their w*r, not yours.

I can't win.

Whichever way I turn,
there's a trap.

Welcome to Versailles.

Mesdames are on manoeuvres.

Not again. Who is it this time?

Lamballe.

The only rival I have in my sights
is our little Dauphine.

If my brother won't jump on her,
perhaps Papa Roi would do the deed?

What, does little Dauphine protest?

If she pulls that stunt,

I will chase her all
the way back to Vienna.

KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS

Shall I come back later?

Provence is just leaving.

Poor Provence, always the spare,
never the heir.

SHE LAUGHS

Mercy wants me to be friends
with her.

She is not worthy to kiss your feet.

I thought
she was looking out for me.

Du Barry only looks out for herself.

How can I help you, Toinette?

Will you marry Papa Roi?

Would you like me to?

Black gold from Guadeloupe.

Pull out your hands.

Now these are the most expensive
beans in the whole world.

I have precious diamonds that cost
less.

But you would appreciate them,
Lamballe?

You Italians, you love coffee,
don't you?

Lamballe prefers hot chocolate.

Oh! Well, just you wait
until she's tried my coffee.

Now, first, just...

HE SNIFFS

SHE SNIFFS

Intoxicating.

SHE YELLS

Goodness.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, oh gosh!

They're everywhere.

I'm sorry, I'll just...

I'll just get them from out here.

I'm sorry.

SHE SOBS
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Keep going.

Are we all right back here?

Still searching for coffee beans.

There you go.

Well, if that's how it is...

Here we are!

You have reduced the King of France
to a scullery maid.

HE LAUGHS

I'm sorry.

Why were you crawling around on the
floor?

What did he say to you?
Did he upset you?

Oh, good Lord!

You've been a great help to us.

Thank you, Antoinette

Did you have fun with Papa Roi?

He made us coffee.

Come and join me.

So you have made your choice?

I don't understand.

Please! Mesdames have been plotting
to replace me

since the day I arrived.

You're either in their camp or mine.

It's not too late to
change your mind.

DOOR SHUTS

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

She's staying?
She's most definitely going.

Bye-bye, little Dauphine!

You won't be missed by anyone
except Papa Roi.

I'll talk to France.

Isn't it time you spoke to him about
me?

He barely notices I exist.

You're on top of my list as soon as
I've dealt with her.

Our spies inform us that Austria is
preparing to inv*de Poland.

So this means w*r against Austria?

Not if you sign this, sire.

The Empress can't make a move
against Poland if our troops are
sitting on her border.

Oh.

Next.

Item two.

Louis...

Specifically his inability to shag
his wife.

She is the problem.

Besides, they're totally unsuited to
one another.

Royal marriages are not made in
heaven.

Only a politician
would try to mate them.

She's frigid. He's mute!

He is the heir to my throne.

Exactly.

The boy needs a wife who will
satisfy him.

The matter will be
decided by my grandson.

SHE AGREES

Item two.

Thank you.

Good work.

I'm learning, sir.

We must stand on our troops

Madame du Barry is plotting to
remove Toinette!

SHE GASPS

Why do you think I advised you to be
neutral?

I didn't believe she would go this
far.

If Louis has to choose,
I don't stand a chance.

Can't you win him over?

How?

How?

I've tried.

What else am I supposed to do?

Perhaps your mother will be able to
guide you.

Burn it after you read it.

THE EMPRESS: Don't lie down and
give up, Toinette.

You are an Austrian archduchess.

Habsburgs never take no
for an answer.

Now, tidy your hair,
fix your face and fight back.

Shut up!

And you...

You too.

THEY CHUCKLE

This is where you like to hide!

Are these yours?

SHE SQUEALS

Oh!

SHE SQUEALS

May I?

SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH

It's glorious.

When you remove all the people.

HE LAUGHS

You will be a good king.

Yes, you.

I hope you will let me help you.

WHISPERING

It was exquisite.

Ah, I'd pay good money for a
portrait of a little vixen face at
that moment.

Would you, Monsieur?

I hate our silly quarrels.

Why don't we kiss and make up?

Then we can get down to the business
of ruling France together.

Your business, madame, is to service
the king.

Mine is to govern France.

HE CHOKES

Is that so?

SHE LAUGHS

It's time to make up your mind, boy.

SHE STRAINS Now could you get
out of my sight?

Come in, d'Aiguillon.

Prime Minister.

SHE SIGHS

DOOR OPENS

SHE YELPS AND SCREAMS

I'm staying?

I never doubted you would succeed.

I'm staying.

I'm staying!

Looking for something?

I found it.

Why don't you join me for supper?

You don't mind expecting me?

You really think you're something,
don't you?

I am something.

I'm an Austrian archduchess. I'm the
Dauphine of France. Who are you?

I'd rather be the King's whore than
a frustrated virgin.

Still no progress in that
department.

Maybe you weren't such a great
teacher after all.

You're a poor student.

No grasp of the subject.
No flair at all.

It won't be long before he gets rid
of you.

Haven't you heard?

My father has asked me to stay.

DOOR SHUTS

Safe journey to Vienna, Rohan.

As our new ambassador, send our
warmest wishes to the Empress.

Thank you, Countess.

Sire.

Now...

We have got to find Provence a
wife.

It's the only way to secure an heir.

SOFT KNOCKS ON DOOR

Mops.

Mops.

Have you missed me?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

What is that thing doing here?

My husband delivered him to me.