01x03 - Pick a Princess

[bunniefuu]

LAUGHTER
You're really bad at this.

Missed.

There we go.

Don't reach my head.

Did that hurt? Ow.

Stop it.

Oh, you worried about your beautiful
hair.

You missed again.
Don't worry. It's bad.

Ten points if you hit Lamballe.

Your aim is terrible.

You're cheating.

Get off!

Let go.
SHE YELPS

What...?

Toinette!

Oh, my God.

Louis, what are you waiting for?

Jump. Oh, dear.

It's your fault, you idiot.

SHE GASPS

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, God.

Are you OK? Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Oh, welcome.

Welcome to Fontainebleau,
my children.

And especially to our little
Dauphine,

who I am delighted to see
has recovered from her ordeal.

Now that we are here on holiday,
we can forget protocol.

We are here to relax, have fun.

And once again,
our Orleans cousin here,

will take charge
of the fete champetre.

We will have the great pleasure
of entertaining our villagers.

Any ideas, Chartres?

This year, the theme will be...

..Merry England. Oh!

My good friend, the Prince of Wales,
has been advising me.

It will be charmant -
the perfect opportunity

to entertain our new
princess, Provence's future wife,

when she arrives.

Come in.

How are you settling in?

Who needs Madame Etiqutte?

It appears that you do.

Oh.

LAUGHTER
I'm teaching Julie
to be a lady's maid.

First impressions of Fontainebleau?

It's heaven.

Heaven compared to Versailles.

It's a nice break from routine.

Yes.

But we have a problem.

This is Louis's bedchamber.

As you can see, it has fallen off
the schedule of works.

So what?
He doesn't visit me at Versailles.

His position may not have altered.

Yours has.

Has Provence's wife been chosen?

Not yet.

But the quicker your
husband moves in, the better.

Bypass the formalities.

What formalities?

Madame du Barry is in charge of
refurbishments.

I will speak to Papa Roi.

Don't you think it's time
we made peace with the Countess?

I won't be pushed around by her.

You can't win this battle.

She has declared w*r on me, Mercy.

I shan't be the one to surrender.

Miss Saxony.

Dark and mysterious.

Sardinia.

Big chest, no chin.

HE GROANS

HE PANTS

Miss Savoy.

Is that a shadow, or dirt,
or a moustache?

That's original.

Miss Spain, you are lovely.

You're perfect.

I'm thinking of marrying a Spanish
princess.

Out of the question.

Why? There is only one house you
should consider,

and that is...
..the House of Savoy.

Why should I listen to you,
Mesdames?

You cannot let her choose for you.

What's so special about Savoy?

Josephine was your mother's first
choice for Louis.

Choiseul foisted the
Austrian bitch on us

after she passed away.

BOTH: God rest her soul.

Shall I tell them now?

Yes, yes.

I'd like to propose a toast to the
Spanish princess,

Provence's future bride.

My turn.

To the princess of Savoy.

Why are you toasting her?

Well, I've chosen Josephine
to be my wife.

Yeah?

She is my cousin.

Mesdames, tell me that Josephine is
the princess

my brother should have married.

Is it true?

You're making me feel rather giddy,
Provence.

Do sit down.

A royal marriage must be entered
into only

with careful consideration.

I've made my choice. Sit!

You will ask your brother for
his permission.

Eat.

Rohan, welcome to Vienna.

Emperor?

Joseph, please.

We don't use formal titles here.

Quite a contrast to Versailles.

I'll take that as a compliment.

How's my little sister?

A handful.

Well, come and meet her mother.

Mother?

Louis de Rohan,
our new French ambassador.

It is an honour to meet you,
Empress.

Why is he dressed as a clown?

France is our ally, ma.

Allies don't garrison their troops
on our border.

When are you going to remove them,
ambassador?

I'm waiting to receive instructions

from the Prime Minister.

That's what you call d'Aiguillon?

We call him du Barry's toy boy.

Ma.

How did you wrangle your position?

Madame Du Barry recommended me to
the king.

Another stooge.

Perhaps we should ask du Barry for
her permission

to inv*de Poland.

The king will decide in his own
time.

Who should I report to?

Me.

But my son may rule with me, Rohan.

I do rule with you, Ma.

I call the sh*ts.

Where are you off to, France?

Breakfast.

Will you be back for tea?

Don't be so clingy, my love.

It's really not your style.

Well, perhaps you could ask her to
show me

just a teensy bit of respect.

Papa Roi?

May I come in?

SHE YAWNS

Try this one.

It's delicious.

SHE LAUGHS

Mama.

Mama won't allow me.

Where is Mama?

I don't see her.

Mama?

Come out of hiding, Empress.

Come on, I want a word with you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Papa Roi.

Come with me.

This is Louis's apartment.

Where is he sleeping?

The West Wing.

I'll deal with that.

Come here.

Will you do me a favour,
little Dauphine?

Will you be polite to the Countess?

Make life easier for both of us.

SHE GASPS

Oh!

It's cold.

Papa Roi.

Why don't we get dressed?

I'll wait for you in the garden.

For your riding lesson.

DOOR CLOSES

Sire.

The Polish crisis has blown up.

Prussia and Russia are poised to
inv*de.

Should we allow Austria to join in
the carve up?

D'Aiguillon,
you are a newcomer here,

so I'll forgive your faux pas.

We never discuss business at
Fontainebleau.

What the f*ck is he doing?

I refuse to ask my brother for his
permission to marry.

I don't care who you marry.
Just get on and do it.

She has got to be put in her place.

Good morning, monsieur.

Before you go, would you mind
assisting us

with the little Dauphine's seat?

Shouldn't Madame be riding side
saddle?

Madame refuses.

Can't you speak to Papa Roi for me?

I have.
He insists that you speak to Louis.

He's hardly a role model.

Learn to fight your corner,
Provence.

It's the only way to survive this
sh*t show.

Thank you.

Enjoying the view, brother?

Making plans for when it will all be
yours?

You can have it.

I could arrange for you to be flung
in a ditch.

Would you prefer to be buried alive?

I am buried alive.

Don't deny me my right to be a man.

Don't be pushed into something
you're not ready for.

You married your princess.
I was forced to.

You don't have to make the same
mistake.

When are you going to unbutton
your breeches and screw your wife?

I can't...

I can't speak to her.

When I open my mouth,
nothing comes out and I'm a clumsy
fool in her presence.

She is an Austrian Archduchess.

She terrifies me.

Do I have your permission to marry?

Yes.

You know, Louis, you put us Bourbons
to shame.

You know, I shan't waste a moment
delivering the heir, brother.

When...

When did he agree?

This afternoon.

The princess will be travelling to
Fontainebleau without a delay.

Tell me about her, Mercy.

The House of Savoy is a trifle
compared to the Habsburg Empire.

I want to know about HER.

Who? Josephine.

She is the one who should have
married Louis.

YOU married him.

That's what matters.

The Princess of Savoy
is no thr*at to you,
provided you deliver the heir.

I have good news on that front.

Doesn't he need a bed?

Yes.

Will you speak to the King?

Why not?

He...makes...

..me feel uncomfortable.

I will arrange all the furnishings.

Your husband must be in situ before
the Princess arrives,

and when he moves in, he must open

your door
and step daintily into his bed.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

SHE SIGHS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Little Dauphine?

RAGGED BREATHS

I can't sleep in my apartment.

Someone may creep in, and...

Stay with me until then.

I'll look after you.

I like being here with you.

Still no joy with the wife?

I visited the Dauphine.

She was not there.

I shall not visit her again.

FLOOR CREAKS

Leave us alone.

I can't imagine
what exquisite decadence
you two like to indulge in.

Why don't you let me watch?

You are a monster.

If she did her duty, the arrival of
a princess would be irrelevant.

She is far too young, Ma. You should
have waited until she was ready.

None of your daughters has found
happiness

in the arms of their Bourbon
princes.

Marriage is not about a personal
indulgence. It's their career.

You were born without a heart.

I don't have time for soul
searching.

Russia and Prussia are poised to
inv*de Poland.

We have been left in limbo
because the King of France is too
busy teaching Toinette to ride.

Then use Mercy to open up a channel
of communication.

I will write to him. Now.

Thank you. Thank you, Julie.

Who asked you to make up this
bedchamber?

His Majesty.

You went over my head.

Who went over your head?

You did. I don't know why you're
wasting your time preparing this
apartment for Louis.

Everyone knows that you prefer to
sleep with Lamballe.

Ask her why she wants to separate me
from my husband.

Go ahead. Take orders from me,
little Dauphine.

Listen to her.

HE INTERRUPTS

When Louis discovers you here,
he will run for his life.

Are you riding out?

It's time for you to go inside now.

Your apartment is ready.

It can wait.

Is there something wrong with you,
boy?

Should I be getting
the Martinere to examine you?

Perhaps there is a medical reason?

For the lack of interest in your
wife?

But you're supposed to be having
fun.

France, where the hell are you?

I've been looking for you
everywhere.

Until she publicly acknowledges me
in front of your family, you will be
spending your nights alone.

Oh.

HE SIGHS

Austria requests that you
withdraw your troops in preparation
for the partition of Poland.

Another w*r.

You are our ally, Sire.

Surely we can find a solution that
benefits both sides.

Oh, do wake up, Mercy.

Our alliance is collapsing around
our ears, our children refusing

to honour their marriage contracts,

and I am caught in the middle
between a little Dauphine

and a bloody countess.
I'm fighting on both fronts, Sire.

As am I.

The Dauphin will move into his
apartment this evening.

Thank you, Sire.

Oh, um, I was in my grandson's
bedchamber this morning.

I saw something I had never seen
before in all my time at court.

It was a boy dressed in a maid's
uniform.

And she, she bowed to me.

Chambermaids are notorious for
spying on behalf of ambassadors.

Do you know that?

So I am wondering which ambassador
might have planted him there, Mercy?

I will look into it.

How may I help on the other matter?

A public truce...

..at the fete champetre, in exchange
for a free rein in Poland?

Yes, Sire.

Why can't I meet her in private?

The King insists on a public
reconciliation.

The King?

I won't do it.

I won't do it!

Reflect carefully.

The Princess of Savoy is on her way.

Your position is
hanging by a thread.

BANGING

I will leave you to do your duty.

HE SNORES

Stay right where you are.

It's me, my love.

Madame?

You can't lock the King out of your
bedchamber.

It's France! Let me in!

He won't be laying his anointed head
on my pillow

until his little Dauphine goes down
on her hands and knees

and crawls to me.

No, no, no. No need to.

I can't see her stealing the show.

RAGGED BREATHS

Welcome to the family, Josephine.

This is Provence.

Where is Provence?

This is little Dauphine.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

The duc de Chartres.

Madame du Barry.

Princess.

Mesdames...

Welcome, dear Josephine.

We are thrilled to meet you at last.

I've heard so much about you.

BOTH: Oh.

The Princess of Lamballe.

Do you remember me, cousin?

No.

And the Dauphin.

Welcome to Fontainebleau.

Did you have a comfortable journey?

Thank you, Monsieur. I did.

Please. Please. Call me Louis.

Shall we?

Oh, ghastly. Dreadful.

My thoughts exactly.

How could you have suggested her,
Mesdames?

Josephine, she's perfect.

Are you blind?

She was exhausted from her journey.

She's got to go.

She has come to deliver the heir.

You have a job to do, Provence.

No!

Nearly there.

Is that really necessary?

It's vital.

You're in France now.

God knows how your family managed to
fornicate back in Turin.

SHE SMARTS

What do you think?

I look like I've been stung
by a thousand bees.

The King!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Merry England.

A celebration of all things English.

Why won't Provence speak to me?

Give him time.

He can't wait to marry you.

I should be Louis's wife.

Yes.

Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

The Dauphine will pay her respects
to the Countess this evening.

There'll be no deal on Poland unless
she does, Mercy.

I hold you responsible.

You picked her.

You manipulated me for your own
agenda.

A marriage was your idea.

I should never have listened to a
Parisian tart.

What is it with you,
Bourbon princes?

Why don't you want to f*ck?

Who would want to f*ck her?

I wonder whether a woman is what
you're looking for, Provence.

Are you prepared for tonight?

I'm thinking about it.

Your mother is waiting.

Send her back, Papa Roi.

I can't marry her.

You already have.

The contract was
signed before she left Turin.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

I don't know what it is.

There will be consequences for
Austria.

Is Josephine...

the girl you wanted to marry?

Is that what this is all about?

Huh?

Was I destined to fail from the
start?

No!

I won't open the door
until you speak to me.

HE SOBS

HE CONTINUES SOBBING

To what do I owe this pleasure,
Ambassador?

I have news of the
little Dauphine, Empress.

Tell me. She is making quite an
impression at Fontainebleau.

Is she?

Your daughter is still refusing to
speak to Madame du Barry.

The king has understandably taken it
as an affront to his dignity.

It won't be long before he slings
her out of France and sends her back
to you.

It won't be long before I sling you
out, Rohan.

The French ambassador has informed
me of your conduct at Fontainebleau.

Understand me, Toinette.

I will no longer
tolerate your unruly behaviour.

If the king asks you to jump,
you jump.

You will make peace with the
Countess.

You will perform your duty to France
and to Austria.

You are a disgrace to me
and a traitor to your country.

HORSE WHINNIES

SHE CRIES OUT

Please. Please, Papa Roi.

I can explain.

I can explain. You're hurting me.

I am the King of France.

I expect you to obey me.

Do you understand?

Get out!

HORN BLOWS

Countess...

DOGS BARK

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Austria has invaded Poland.

The king negotiated directly with
Vienna.

Rohan was not informed.

I don't give a sh*t, d'Agiuillon.

France delivered for me.

That's all I care about.

SHE LAUGHS

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOOR OPENS

Thank you.

Thank you for your patience.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Are you happy now?

You old fool.

You are a naughty but magnificent
woman.

I don't feel safe here.

Your family, they frighten me.

I want out.

I want to go home.

Don't leave me.

I will protect you.