04x03 - The Public Domain

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, good morning, you guys.
- [ Together ] Good morning, Andrea.

Um, Dave, Lisa, I would like
you to meet Steve Johnson.

I've brought Steve in
to help out a little bit.

Hi.
Well, I guess two efficiency experts are better than one.

Oh, yeah. That oughta
increase our overall efficiency coefficient by at least 2.3%.

[ Laughs, Squeals ]
You!

[ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles ]

No, actually, I didn't
bring Steve in to help me.

I brought him in
to help you, Dave.

Oh, so Steve will be
assisting me, huh?

Okay, well, that's
a cute way of looking at it.

Um, actually, Steve here
is gonna take over half your job.

Well, I guess we should
just take this down.

This is so depressing.
Yeah, well, Joe, if I remember correctly,

that's what you said
when we put that photo up.

Well, how did Matthew get to be
employee of the month anyway?

- I remember we all voted.
- Uh, no, we were supposed to vote, but as I recall it,

there were two votes
for Matthew, 15 for "employee of the month sucks,"

and eight simply said,
"Baba Booey."

Dave, how could you let
that efficiency-expert woman fire Matthew?

Look, Beth, I'm doing
everything I can right now,

but I've got bigger issues
to deal with, all right?

Beth, no.

Matthew, what
are you doing here?

You know what it is, David?

It's this whole thing
with that-- that Andrea woman.

You know.
f*ring you?

Exactly. Really, I--
I don't know what to do.

Well, for starters, you
should stop coming in here. Oh, Dave--

No, look. I'm trying really
hard to get you your job back.

I know. I know. I know.
But if Andrea sees you hanging around here,

she's never gonna
hire you back, all right? Okay.

So for your own good,
please just go home. Go home.

Thanks.
[ Sighs ]

Matthew!
What are you doing?

Dave, I just need to know,
am I, like, fired or am I, like, fired?

Matthew, try to--
I mean, try to understand-- Hi. Oh.

Oh, hey, Andrea.
How are ya? [ Groans ]

Good. Uh, sorry
to keep you waiting. Oh, no, that's fine.

Steve wanted to get
all his personal effects from the car...

so he could just
dive right in.

Sure he did. Sure he did.
Well, uh, what say we get to it, huh?

Okay.
Joe? Uh, Joe, do you mind coming in here for a second?

I wanted to show you guys
something. I want you to step right over there.

Just come right over here.
We should probably talk about which shelves you'd like to use.

What's up?
Uh, there's something stuck behind my door.

Uh, would you mind
taking care of that, Joe?

Uh, I like to keep
my trophies and stuff up here on this shelf.

Oh, look at--
look at that.

"World's Greatest Mom."
Yeah.

Maybe you're right, okay?
Maybe I have not given you enough time...

to show me
how you run this place.

That is really
all that I'm asking for. Okay.

So I will hold off on making
a final decision about Steve until I see what you can do.

Thank you.
So you have until the end of the day today.

Again, thank you.

All right.
First order of business.

We've all been a little lax
lately on keeping up with our job task checklists.

Our what?
Our job task checklists.

What kind of firewater
have you been drinking, little chief?

I'm gonna need
a new chair.

Oh, okay. Great.

- Hmm.
- Who the hell's that guy?

Uh, he's just somebody
who's helping Andrea today.

So why doesn't everyone
just be on their best behavior, please.

Look, Dave, I know
you're counting on me to play a key role...

in your hollow charade,
but I'm afraid it's a lost cause.

- Why? What have you heard?
- Nothing specific.

I'm just saying
it's quite obvious...

we're all on the conveyor belt
to the corporate abattoir.

Which means slaughterhouse.

Oh, I thought
it meant toilet.

- Lavatoire.
- You're welcome.

Anyway, I for one
am already pursuing other options,

and I'd advise all
of you to do the same.

I don't see what all this
has to do with gettin' Matthew his job back.

Well, look, I'm doing
everything I can on that.

In fact, I'm gonna talk
to Andrea about it today.

Oh, what are you
gonna talk to me about?

About Matthew.
Oh.

Okay, meeting is dismissed.
And, everybody, let's not forget about those job task checklists.

All right?
What is he talking about?

So, uh, they're really still
upset about this Matthew thing? Yes, I'm afraid they are,

and it's probably something
we should take some time to discuss.

Okay. I'll meet you
in Steve's office.

Oh, great. Uh--

Matthew, go home.

Dave, is that guy
in your office supposed to be my replacement?

Because he doesn't
look anything like me.

Joe?

I'm on it.

[ Dave ]
Bill, at least pretend to be working hard today.

Look, Dave, just because
I have another career lined up,

doesn't mean I'm gonna turn
my backs on all you poor clowns just waitin' around to be fired.

All right.
Exactly what kind of career do you have lined up anyway?

Let's just say
I'm puttin' together an act.

Bill, I thought
your whole life was an act.

[ Laughs ]
No, it's a little cabaret thing.

A little song and dance,
but without the dance, of course. Uh-huh.

Really?
What will you sing?

Oh, little satirical songs
about the world of politics and current events.

Uh-huh.
So like Mark Russell?

I don't know who that is.

All right. Well, fine. But
just don't let it interfere with your work, okay?

Oh, of course not.
Thank you.

♪ [ Playing Chords ]
♪ William Clinton came to town riding on inflation ♪

♪ Took a town
named Whitewater ♪

♪ Introduced it
to our nation ♪

It's a lot better
when I'm wearin' the red, white and blue tuxedo.

So, Dave, you wanted
to talk about Matthew.

Uh, yes.
Yes, I did. Um-- Hey.

What? Is there--
Oh, this is good. This is perfect.

Exactly what I'm lookin' for.
Come on in, guys.

Um, what's going on, sir?

We're doin' a movie, Dave.
A movie?

Not a real movie--
a documentary. Uh-huh.

About me.

- What's it for?
- For TV.

Well, not real TV-- cable.
See these guys?

They're gonna follow me around
today, filming me doing whatever the hell it is I do around here.

Yeah, Mr. James,
can I talk to you out here for a moment?

- Sure. Come on, guys. Let's go.
- No, no, sir. I meant alone.

Oh, come on, Dave.
What's the hang-up?

We're not doin'
a nude scene... yet.

[ Laughs ]

Um, Mr. James?
Yeah.

Uh, I--

Mr. James, I-I-I'm
tryin' to make a point to Andrea,

and I'd appreciate being seen
under the most businesslike conditions possible.

Exactly-- Exactly what
this documentary's about--

how a billion-dollar
man of mystery like myself goes about his daily business.

What'd you sh**t so far?
Three hours of me feeding my dogs.

Why three hours?
Got a lot of dogs.

Well, sir, I understand
this is a very important film--

Yeah, it's very important.
Look, all these guys--

They have done documentaries
about all the heavy-hitters.

I'm talkin' about, you know,
Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch, Bruce Wayne.

Sir, Bruce Wayne
is Batman.

Shh. Quiet.
Sorry. Excuse me.

I think, uh, Mr. "DeVille"
is ready for my close-up,

or whatever the hell
I'm saying.

We're ready, Mr. James.
Just go about your business and pretend we're not here.

Okay. All right.
Just let 'er roll. You're gonna be great in this.

You wanna get in
on this too, Andrea? Oh, no.

Good afternoon, everyone.
Could I get anybody a refill on their coffee?

Lisa, you got a message
from the superintendent of the school district.

Here's your coffee,
Mr. James, and your messages. If I can get you--

- Beth, they're not filming yet.
- Oh, good.

I just didn't feel like
I was in the moment that time.

- We're ready to roll.
- Okay, good.

Well, all right. Everybody
just, you know be natural.

And... action.

[ Monotone ]
So, Lisa Miller, what is it that you would like to discuss today?

Um--
Here in the office where we both, you and I, work in.

What sort of business
would you need to discuss here...

in the office where both
you and I work in today?

Well, Mr. James, we could
talk about this story.

Good. I would like
to talk about the story which you are working on...

in the office where
you and I both work in.

[ Cameraman ]
I think we should cut.

Great. That felt
pretty good to me.

♪ [ Playing Chords ]
♪ Write me a loan, Bill Clinton A Whitewater loan ♪

♪ I've waited, oh, so long ♪

Get this out of here.

Excuse me, sir,
but what about my rights?

What rights?
My rights as an American citizen!

♪ [ Playing Chords ]
♪ They're beautiful ♪

♪ The gayest guys ♪

♪ In our nation's marines ♪

Bill?
What's the matter, Dave?

Gays in the m*llitary
a little too hot for you?

♪ [ Playing Chords ]
♪ When Johnny comes marching home again ♪

♪ He's gay, he's gay ♪

[ Slams Keyboard Cover ]

I have asked you.
I have begged you.

Now I am ordering you
to get this piano out of here!

And, Matthew,
if you do not leave this building in five minutes,

I am calling security!

Dave, I'm just picking up
some of my stuff. That's all.

♪ [ Plays Riff ]
Sorry.

Lisa, I thought I asked you
to minimize the chaos, not immortalize it.

There's not gonna be
any chaos. No?

But there is a problem.
What?

Jimmy sucks on camera.
So?

But I fixed it. Okay,
I told the camera guy...

to pretend to run out
of film and say "cut."

But, see, really, that's when
they're gonna start filming. Uh-huh.

You see?
Yeah.

He's gonna say "cut," but
really, they're gonna roll. Uh-huh.

You get it?
Cut really means roll. I get it.

So if Jimmy doesn't know
he's being filmed, he'll be more relaxed.

That's a very cunning plan,
but today is not the day for cunning plans or crazy capers.

Dave, you never want to do
any cunning plans or crazy capers.

Come on, Dave.
Showtime, son. Let's go.

All right. Here we go.

We're rolling.
Good. Good. Now, everybody, just remember,

just act natural.
[ Cameraman ] And action.

[ Monotone ]
So, David, shall we commence...

the meeting procedures
here in the office?

Cut. We're out of tape.

Aw, damn.
It'll take us a few minutes to reload.

Just go about
your business. All right. All right.

Yeah, all right.
Let's have the meeting. Okay.

First thing on the agenda is
we're gonna have to lengthen the 2:00 broadcast.

One of our sponsors
has dropped out.

Oh, yeah? Sounds like
I'm gonna have to talk to the advertising department.

- Light a little fire
under their asses, huh? - Uh-huh. Yes.

Oh, and that reminds me.
We have to watch our language on the air, okay?

We've received an official
complaint from the Citizens for Broadcasting Decency.

Citizens-- Why?
Uh, well, apparently Bill said he thought...

that Congress needed
a swift kick in the ass.

Hey, that gives me an idea.
How does "Old MacDonald" go?

♪ [ Humming
"Old MacDonald" ]

Does that have any lyrics?

All right. Hold on.
Would you excuse me, please?

What do you mean,
you can't say that? He can't.

That's ridiculous!
I mean--

Who the hell do the Citizens
for Broadcasting Decency think they are anyway?

They are a very powerful,
influential lobby group with a lot of clout in Washington.

Oh, clout, huh? You pay
off a few congressmen. Yes.

You think you're allowed
to tell people what they can or can't say, huh?

- You tell 'em, Mr. James!
- No, please don't.

No, no, no, no. You don't
see me tellin' people what they can or can't say.

Hell, no! Hell, no!
And I've bribed hundreds of guys.

Okay, rolling.
No, don't roll yet. I'm not done yet.

Sir, I think you've really
made your point very clearly. I have not made my point.

Let me tell you my point.
My point is the Citizens for Broadcast Decency...

can kiss my ruby red--
Stop filming!

♪ Old Man Congress needs
a swift kick in the ass ♪

That's really
all I have so far.

Okay, why?
Why didn't anybody tell me we were filming? Lisa?

Well, I'm sorry, sir. I thought
you'd be less self-conscious if you didn't know.

[ Groans ]
That's the same technique that 60 Minutes uses...

to get that guy to admit he's
selling heroin to preschoolers.

No, no, no. If
the Broadcasting Decency wackos see that, I'll be crucified.

- Well, maybe they
won't use that scene. - Oh, right. They won't use it.

I mean, they love it.
They love it! I can see the ads right now.

"James to Broadcasting
Decency wackos:

'Hello. I'm an idiot.'"

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
Uh, thank you for lunch, Andrea.

You know, normally
I don't leave the office at all during the day.

Oh, good for you. I just
thought it might be a nice way for you to get know each other.

Yes, and that it was.
That-- That it was.

You're not much of a talker,
are you, Steve?

No. Beth, coffee.

Now, I thought you were gonna
give me till the end of the day to prove I don't need him.

Oh, I thought you gave up
on that whole thing.

My mistake.

♪ [ Piano Chords ]
What's that?

What's what?
That music.

♪ [ Stops ]
I don't hear anything.

♪ [ Resumes ]
There it is again.

That! Oh, that. That must--
You know what that is?

That's the, uh--
That's the bathroom stereo system.

I'll turn that off
if it's bothering you. Just a second.

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Bob Dole ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Bob Dole ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Bob-- ♪

That's really
all I have so far.

Say, do you know,
does Bob Dole cook?

Bill, what
did I tell you?

You told me to get it
out of the office. You didn't say anything about the bathroom.

Bill, I need you
to be quiet for a moment. Don't ask me why. Just obey.

You're the boss.
Thank you.

Ah, that's better.

So, why do you have
a stereo in the men's room?

It's a guy thing. I'd really
rather not go into it.

Uh, but I've turned it off
anyway, so it shouldn't-- ♪ [ Piano Resumes ]

There it is again.
Yes.

Yes, there it is--
That must be the, uh--

What?
Emergency backup bathroom stereo.

I'll turn that one off
as well.

♪ Paul-- Paul-- Paula Jones
She's seen Clinton nude ♪

"I need you to be quiet
for a moment."

That's what you said.
And I was quiet for a moment. Ever the loyal employee.

Bill, Andrea's outside, and
we're trying to have a rather important discussion right now.

So you'd like me
to cool it? Yes. Yes.

Say no more.
I gladly submit. Good. Thank you.

♪ [ Piano Chords ]

Before you say anything,
I apologize. That was grossly insubordinate.

I'm sorry. Inspiration struck,
as it often does when I'm in the bathroom,

and I just went with it.

Anyway, I--

♪ [ Piano Resumes ]
♪ Oh, the Lincoln Bedroom costs this much ♪

♪ Moola, moola ♪

♪ Good Fred Thompson
says it's bunk ♪

♪ Oh, the moola, hey ♪

- [ Dave ] Where's Andrea?
- She's in Steve's office.

- Uh, I mean--
- I know what you mean.

Look, Mr. James,
are you really gonna let her take away half my job?

Oh, Dave, I've got
bigger fish to fry.

Those documentary film guys
won't give me my tape back. Well, sir, I know--

Don't sweat
the documentary crew. I got a plan.

Tell me. Why is it
that everyone's solution to every problem around here...

- is some sort of covert plan?
- That's secret.

♪ [ Piano Chords ]

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

I see we have some smokers
in the room tonight.

Bill--
This one's going out to you.

♪ Oh, Joe Camel ♪

♪ Oh, don't you cry for me ♪

♪ You gave my uncle cancer
but you'll pay the lawyer's fee ♪

- [ Laughing ]
- Bill, today is really not the day for this.

You're tellin' me.
There's nothin' in the papers. I'm scrapin' bottom here.

Hey, I think you're
doin' just great.

Thank you, little lady.
Where are you from? Idaho.

Idaho, huh? What part?
Boise.

Boise.
♪ [ Playing Chords ]

Huh.

Hey, here's one
about a fellow we've all grown to appreciate.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle
Kenneth Starr ♪

♪ Special Whitewater
prosecu-tar ♪

[ Laughing ]

Bill, can I talk to you
for a moment, please?

We're gonna take
a short break now, folks,

but I'll be appearing
at the eighth-floor stairwell in about an hour.

Enjoy the rest of your ride.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

Good crowd.

Bill, I am-- I'm tired
of threatening you.

Now I'm just pleading
with you. Please help me.

Sure, you want help
now that I'm on top.

Where were you earlier today
when I was just starting out?

I was asking you
to stop then too.

It's not like
I'm hurting anybody, Dave--

oh, except for maybe
some of those bozos down in Washington.

No, Bill,
you are hurting someone. You are hurting me.

You see, Andrea seems to be
under the impression that I cannot control the staff.

Oh, ridiculous.
And don't I know it.

She's gonna bring this corporate
goon to partner with me unless I can prove her wrong.

Well, that
I will not stand for.

He's like some kind
of enforcer, right?

Yes.
Well, that I will not stand for.

I appreciate that, but--
I might disobey you from time to time, Dave,

but it's only because deep down
I know you really love it.

But this guy, who knows?
Well, that's very sweet, Bill, but what I need--

Bring this goon unto me.

No, this is not the sort
of goon you can reason with. Don't worry. I have a plan.

Oh, good. A plan.
Just tell him I have a few ideas I'd like to discuss with him.

No, I--
Tell him. Trust me.

I--
Tell him. [ Whistles ]

All right. Just humor
an old billionaire, would you?

sh**t the scene one more time.
I think I got it this time.

Fine. Everybody set?
Okay, action.

Uh, so, Mr. James, what
important business decision did you want to discuss?

Well, Lisa--

What the hell was that?

Looks like you overcharged
the battery, dude.

You charged
the battery for us.

Oh, then it
must have been something else.

- Wait a minute. You didn't
lose any footage, did you? - Almost everything.

Well, what about the Citizens
for Broadcasting Decency stuff? You didn't lose that, did you?

Oh, that's safe.
I got that right here.

That's what happens
when you don't rewind.

- ♪ [ Piano Chords ]
- Uh, Bill, I'd like you to meet Steve Johnson.

Hi, Steve.
Hello, Bill. How are you?

[ Grunts ]

That was your plan?

- I panicked.
- Bill, you can't just go around hitting people.

- I only did it for you, Dave.
- That's what John Hinckley said.

- Which reminds me
of a little song. - Don't!

[ Andrea ]
Well, Dave, I guess you're off the hook.

Steve doesn't want the job.

Why is that?

He won't say,
which is... weird.

- Yeah, well, I'm sorry it
had to happen that way, but-- - What way?

I have no idea, but I'm sure
it's for the best.

♪ [ Piano Chords ]

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Religious right ♪

♪ Jesse Helms ♪

♪ Sleeps tonight ♪

Everybody!
♪ Something, something ♪

♪ Madeleine Albright ♪

I don't want to be
a broken record,

but this is
the discipline problem I talking about.

What? The piano?
Oh, this was Steve's idea. Wasn't it, Steve?

Yes, sir, Mr. McNeal.

- May I go now?
- Yeah. Run along.

- [ Andrea ]
I have something to-- - That's a good boy.

That is so weird.

Well, maybe
you misjudged Steve.

Well, I guess,
'cause he's usually a really reliable--

Which has got to make you
wonder if maybe you didn't misjudge Matthew too.

[ Sighs ]
You guys.

You're just not gonna give up
on this Matthew thing, are you?

- Not until you hire him back.
- Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I am definitely, definitely
gonna think about it.

Yes! I'm back!

♪ [ Playing Chords ]
I'm back where I belong!