04x07 - Catherine Moves On

[bunniefuu]

[ Crunching ]

Bill?
Yeah, Dave?

Could you keep it down,
please? Nope.

Keep what down?
Could you try to eat more quietly?

I can't work
with all that crunching.

Well, maybe I can't crunch
with all that working,

so let's call it
a truce, eh?

Dave?
Uh-huh?

Do you think I'd be stepping
on anyone's toes if I called a staff meeting?

I have a personal announcement
to make. Yeah. Why not?

I just got offered--
[ Coffee Pot Shatters ]

Oh.
Matthew!

That's the third coffee pot
you've broken this week.

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
this one wasn't my fault.

Right. And no offense,
but what are you even doing here?

You don't
work here anymore. I know.

I-- I come here
for the excellent coffee.

You don't even drink coffee.
Yeah, but somebody's gotta brew it the way Bill likes it.

I'm calling a little
staff meeting, Bill.

I'm a little busy
right now. Busy doing what?

Helping the captain
find his way back to the good ship Crunchy Goose,

or whatever the hell
his stupid boat is called.

Please, Bill.
It's important. All right.

Joe, honey, staff meeting.

Hey, Lisa, can we have
a staff meeting right now?

Um, is there any way
that it could wait, Catherine?

- I'm really pretty busy
right now. - It's kind of important.

Uh, yeah, okay.

Okay, Catherine,
you have the floor. Okay.

This is very hard
for me to say,

especially since I care
so much about all of you.

And I care so much
about all of you-- some parts more than others.

[ Sighs ]

Well, as of today,
I'm leaving WNYX.

- [ Joe ] What?
- And I just wanted to call this meeting...

to tell you all, and,
well, to say good-bye.

So, Catherine
just up and quit? Just like that?

Just like that.
Why didn't anybody call me?

We did. But as soon as she broke
the news, she just cleaned out her desk and left.

Oh, man! I mean,
there was no incident?

No.
No ugly scene?

No.
No one got slapped?

No.
You sure this is Catherine we're talking about?

Sir, we're all as baffled
by this as you are.

All right. Well, then I'm--
I'm missin' somethin' here.

I'll tell you what. Just take
me through it step by step. All right.

Well, sir,
as, uh, I remember it,

Catherine was on the phone,
I was at my desk tryin' to get some work done,

which wasn't easy, as Bill
was making his usual assortment of annoying noises, and--

[ Loud Crunching ]

[ Crunching Continues ]

[ Loud Slurping ]

[ Low Audio ] Do you think
I'd be stepping on anyone's toes if I called a staff meeting?

I have a personal announcement
to make.

[ Crunching Intensifies,
Echoes ]

I have just been offered--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Squeaks,
Crunching Continues ]

[ Coffee Pot Shatters ]
Matthew-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

Hold it.
You're tryin' to tell me...

that Catherine quit because
Bill chews with his mouth open?

Would you blame her if she did?
Could you really blame her?

Take it easy.
Just calm down, all right? Jump ahead to the staff meeting.

Okay. We were all gathered
around the conference table for the meeting.

Catherine had told us
that she had an announcement she wanted to make.

This is very hard for me to say,
especially since I care so much about all of you.

- [ Low Audio ] As of today--
- [ Belching Loudly ]

[ Smacks Lip ]

[ Scraping ]

[ Banging ]

Tapping, tapping and tapping
over and over,

like some sort of
infernal metronome.

Dave, here you go.

I can draw you a nice warm bath
in the mop sink, if you want.

Oh, no, I'm-- I'm-- I'm fine.

Okeydoke.

Catherine?
Hi, it's Lisa from work.

Or ex-work.
[ Chuckles ]

That's really
not funny at all.

Anyway, why don't you
just give me a call when you get this message,

because I'm sure that
we can work out whatever's bothering you, okay?

Okay. Uh, it's Lisa.

From work. Bye.

Desperate phone message.
Very good plan.

My ex-boyfriends
do it all the time. Okay.

What if it doesn't work?
They usually resort to stalking.

So, if you're lucky,
Catherine might show up on your fire escape tonight.

Did you hear anything
from her, Joe? No, but I know why she quit.

- Why?
- A couple of months ago, I was playin' around,

and Catherine said that if I
didn't stop, she was gonna sue me for sexual harassment.

And now it looks like it's time
to pay the piper.

Well, what exactly
did she say?

She said, and I quote,
"Joe, if you had any money,

I'd sue you
for sexual harassment."

- She was kidding.
- It was obviously a joke.

Hey, sexual harassment
is no joke, sweet cans.

Besides, you don't have
any money.

I think my shoe box
full of Krugerrands is common knowledge,

thanks to somebody's big mouth.

You have a shoe box
full of Krugerrands?

Yeah. Didn't I
tell you about that?

Regardless, Joe,
I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I'm not worried.
See, ever since the day Catherine made that thr*at,

I have consistently
and secretly tape-recorded...

every single conversation
I've had with her.

- How?
- Why?

To use in my defense when
this whole mess comes to trial.

Case in point,
two weeks ago last Monday.

- [ Joe ] Hey, Cathy,
your panty hose is ripped. - [ Catherine ] No, it isn't.

[ Joe ]
Nah, I just wanted to see you check.

[ Blow Lands ]
[ Catherine ] Next time, check it yourself, sweetie.

See? I made one little
innocent remark, and she slapped me,

which led to physical
and mental anguish,

which, quite frankly,
nullifies the possibility of compensatory redress.

But, um,
you're okay now? Yeah.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
Aw, Joe. I'm--

Well, then she just cleaned out
her desk and left.

That's not how it happened.

[ Banana Peel Rustling ]

[ Chewing Loudly ]
[ Groans ]

All right, all right.
Bill, sit down.

Tell me what happened
from the very beginning. Okay.

It was a morning
like any other.

I was seated at my desk
enjoying a sensible breakfast.

Suddenly, Dave--

[ Trumpet Vocalization ]
Yes, Dave?

[ Trumpet Vocalization ]

Sure, Dave.

[ Trumpet Vocalization ]

[ Trumpet Vocalization ]

[ Trumpet Vocalization ]
[ Trumpet Vocalization ]

Bill? I'm calling
a little staff meeting, Bill.

Good for you.
However, I'm too busy to attend.

Oh, please?

It's important.
All right.

Hold it! Bill, I've read
Penthouse letters that are more plausible than this.

So have I.
But the fact is the woman wanted me.

And the fact
that she couldn't have me made her, quite simply,

insane with what the great poets
have called "manimal lust."

So, anyway, we get together
for the meeting.

Everything seems
to be going along--

This is very hard
for me to say,

especially since I care
so much about all of... you.

And I care so much
about you.

- Maybe in a different world--
- [ Trumpet Vocalization ]

As of today,
I'm leaving WNYX. Good-bye!

Okay, this is definitely
a load of crap.

Jimmy, "When true love
is unrequited,

the whole world
is a load of crap."

Dylan Thomas, 1987.

So, um, just-- When you
get this, why don't you just call me, okay?

Okay. It's Lisa.

Uh, from work. Bye.

[ Rewinding ]
That's perfect. Play it again.

[ Joe ]
Catherine, if I said you had a beautiful body,

would you hold
it against me? [ Blow Lands ]

[ Catherine ]
There's only one way to find out, honey.

See, now, I didn't say
she had a beautiful body.

I said, hypothetically,
if I were to say she had a beautiful body--

Hold on one second.
Lisa, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That if I'd handled this better,
Catherine wouldn't have quit,

and Jimmy won't fire me,
which he probably will.

Okay, as usual, you have your,
uh-- your own thing goin' on over there, which is fine.

What is it?
Well, I'm gonna say this to you again.

I've said it to be you before.
I think Catherine really liked you.

Beth, you have to understand
that not every woman...

is attracted to guys
that are strong, virile and... steroid dependent.

And you have to understand
that not every woman...

has a pin-up
of Stephen Hawking on her bedroom wall.

Oh, I'm not--
I'm just not hearin' it. Well, obviously.

Here, play this tape again.

[ Joe ]
Catherine, heaven must've lost a pair of angels,

'cause I can see 'em
bouncin' around in your blouse.

[ Blow Lands ]
Ow!

See?
No, you have to wait for it.

[ Catherine ]
You okay, honey? [ Joe ] Yeah, I'm fine.

Good, because I was just
thinking the devil must have lost his pitchfork,

'cause I can
see it in your-- [ Clicks Off ]

How could you miss a hint
like that?

- Like what?
- [ Beth Clicks Tongue ]

And after that, she just
cleaned out her desk and left.

- Thanks, Bill.
- Thanks for what, Jim?

Thanks for being man enough
to bear up to the curse...

of my overpowering machismo?

Yeah.
Thanks for that.

You're welcome,
my friend.

You are welcome.

[ Leg Bangs Table ]
[ Groans ]

Do you want to hear
how it really happened?

- From you, no.
- Okay.

So Catherine
is on the phone, right? Yeah.

I am making coffee
for Bill.

Where are the doughnuts?
Oh, uh, over here.

Oh.
[ Coffee Pot Shatters ]

Matthew, that's
the third coffee pot you've broken this week!

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
this time it wasn't my fault.

[ Mouths Words ]

And then after that,
she just cleaned out her desk and left.

Well--
[ Clears Throat ]

not only is that
incredibly hard to believe,

but it tells me nothing
about why she left.

Oh, you wanted to know
why she left. Yeah.

- But, again, not from you.
- Well, for that,

you're gonna have to
back up a lot further than just this morning.

- Really?
- You see, about two weeks ago, okay,

Bill and I were talking--

This is the life,
eh, old friend? It sure is.

But if the skipper catches us,
we're cooked for sure.

[ Chuckles ]
♪ [ Random Notes ]

Oh, I got a bite!

-Matthew!
-Looks like we'll be eating like kings tonight, Mattie boy!

- [ Dave Groans ]
- I thought we're supposed to throw back the little ones.

No, no. The little ones
we cut up for bait.

Now brew up some coffee.
Oh, you got it, Bill.

[ Coffee Pot Shatters ]
[ Laughing ]

And then--
Matthew?

Yeah?
I think, uh--

I think what-what-what
you're describing...

is-is, uh,
a dream you had, son.

Really?
Yeah.

That makes sense.
Uh-huh.

Oh. Yeah,
you're probably right.

No. What about the part
where me, you...

and Injun Joe
went up to Muff Potter's place?

- What about that?
- Well, that was-- that was real.

That was definitely real.
[ Sighs ] Okay.

I gotta go now.
Okay.

[ Clicks Tongue ]

Oh, good times.

[ Sighs ]

Am I fired?
You're not fired.

All right.
You tell me what happened. Okay.

Um, well, sir,
I guess it all started...

when I was trying to catch up
on some work this morning.

Ad Sales is on line three,
the F.C.C. is on line five--

I need these proofread
by this afternoon.

[ Chattering ]

Okay,
I'm on top of it.

Lisa, I wanted to remind you
that I hate you,

and I'm telling everyone
what you're like in bed,

and I need you
to tabulate those demographics for Bill's drive-time ratings.

Have you done that yet?
Uh, no, actually--

Of course not.
Do you have a pencil? [ Muttering ]

Thank you.
I'll do that for you. There, there, there. Done.

Okay, thank you. Oh, now,
when Lisa gets really horny--

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

Hey, Lisa,
would it be okay if we had a staff meeting right now?

Actually,
is there any way it can wait? I'm really busy right now.

That's it. I quit.
And it's all because of you!

Okay.

I should've been
paying more attention-- It's fine.

It is fine.
I wouldn't think twice. Why don't you go freshen up?

- Okay? All right. Bye-bye.
- She gonna be okay?

Yeah, she's fine.
Ad Sales is still holding for you on line two.

So you're tellin' me that
Catherine just cleaned out her desk and left, and that's it?

Oh, well, no, not exactly.

You see, um,
after the staff meeting,

Catherine got her purse,
and she went into the elevator.

And then I followed her
out there--

I guess I should
call Jimmy. I already did.

[ Sighs ]

Good-bye, Catherine.

Well, that's incredibly cold
and heartless.

Well, not really, sir.
I mean, I think it's more...

that people wanted
a little something to remember Catherine by.

Like a stapler
or a box of paper clips...

or one of those
halogen desk lamps...

that we're not allowed to order
out of the office supply catalog anymore.

[ Catherine ]
All right. Who stole all the stuff off my desk?

This is unbelievable.
We thought you were never coming back.

I told you I was coming back
to clean out my desk,

but it looks like all of you
have b*at me to the punch.

Here, this is yours.

It's yours now,
honey. Hey, thanks.

Catherine, can I see you
in here for a second, please?

Sure, Jimmy.
Thank you.

[ Clears Throat ]
Now, Catherine,

I understand
you're quitting?

Yes, I am, Jimmy.
I wanted to tell you in person, but--

I know. I'm sorry, Catherine,
but this whole damn thing is so confusing.

Confusing? Why?
What have you heard?

What have I heard?
Yeah.

All right. Uh--

Bill?
What?

Hey!

I can't handle this job!

Bill, I'm fixin' for another
h*m* adventure on the Big Muddy!

I mean, I'm a very,
very confused man.

Well, Jimmy,
it's really simple, okay? I got a phone call this morning.

Look, can I take some time
to decide?

[ Man ] Well, you're our
first choice, but we're on a timetable here, so--

You know what?
I'll do it.

I'll do it!
Welcome aboard.

Thanks.
I'll call you in a few hours with the details.

Okay, bye.

Dave?
Mm-hmm?

Do you think I'd be stepping
on anyone's toes if I called a staff meeting?

I have a personal announcement
to make.

Yeah. Why not?
I have just--

[ Coffee Pot Shatters ]
Matthew!

I've just been
offered a job to be the London correspondent...

for a new
satellite news service!

Dave,
can you believe it? Okay.

They want me to leave
right away.

These things happen quicker
than you think they will. But, oh, my God, Dave!

Uh-huh. Yeah.

And then I just called everybody
together for the meeting,

said good-bye and left.

Oh.

Well, see,
that makes sense. Yeah.

You do realize
that those people are completely nuts.

I'm sure gonna miss them.

Yeah, of course you are,
of course you are. Look, uh, Catherine,

I am really, really sorry
to see you go,

but, um,
an opportunity like this, you just can't pass it up.

Oh, thank you, Jimmy.

Come here. Ohh!

Now, let's, uh, go see if we
can set these idiots straight.

Hey, idiots!
Well, would you look at that.

Thanks, everyone.

Matthew,
I thought I told you I didn't want that stapler.

Oh, sorry.
Catherine, this is-- this is beautiful.

Yeah, that is nice.

Can I talk to you
for a minute? Yeah, sure.

Alone?
Okay.

Okay, what is it?
Well, it's just, uh--

Well, you know
that I liked you-- you know, like you--

and, you know, I just kinda feel
like an idiot for not knowin' that you liked me too.

Oh, Joe, that's sweet.
Thanks.

Can I ask you something?
Sure.

Are you trying to tell me
that after five years...

of putting out
every womanly signal I've got,

now-- now that it's too late,
you finally notice?

Notice what?
Oh. Okay.

I guess it's better late
than never.

Look, I'm on a plane
to London at midnight,

so why don't you meet me
at my apartment at 8:00 sharp?

Here are the keys.
Meet you for what?

You still can't
figure me out?

Oh.

Oh! Ho-ho-ho. Ow.

Catherine,
you know Bill thinks that you're in love with him?

[ Laughs ]
Of course he does.

And in a way,
I guess I am.

- Really?
- Actually, no, I'm not.

It just seemed like
the right thing to say.

Well, looks like I've got
a plane to catch.

Hmm. Oh, sweetheart,
you know that we love you.

[ Mutters ]
[ Grunts ]

I'm gonna miss you,
Catherine. I'm gonna miss you, Lisa.

And Beth.
I love you, Catherine.

I love you.

We're all very proud of you,
Catherine. Very, very, very proud of you.

[ Catherine ]
Oh, Dave. Well, I'm proud too.

I am so proud
to have known all of you.

And in all my years here
at WNYX,

I guess what I'm
most proud of...

is what's happening in
my apartment right now, honey.

[ Laughing ]

[ Door Lock Clicks ]

[ Keys Jingling ]

Here's Mr. Wonderful!

[ Phone Ringing ]
Hi, this is Catherine. Leave a message.

[ Beeps ]
[ Catherine ] Hi, Joe. Hi, Bill.

If both of you guys
can hear me right now, then I am one happy woman!

Good-bye!

- I suppose these are for you.
- Thanks.