04x15 - Big Brother

[bunniefuu]

Matthew, can I borrow
your stapler for--

No, please, please.
What are you doing that for?

Oh, I'm sorry.
[ Chuckles ]

See, I've got somebody really
special coming here today,

and I just wanna make sure
everything looks perfect.

Who is it?
Is it a girl? No. The exact opposite, in fact.

See, a couple months ago I got
involved in one of those Big-- Big Brother-type organizations.

- They let you do that?
- What?

She means,
"That's wonderful." Good for you.

Yeah, it is great. Yeah.
Danny's a real sweetheart.

I have seen him every day
for the past month, and we're, like-- we're really bonding.

- Hey, Matthew.
- Danny!

Wow, this place is even
cooler than you told me.

And I'm not the only one
who thinks so.

Oh, awesome.

Another teddy bear. Wow.

They could have at least given
me a Big Brother who knows I'm a little too old for baby toys.

Here you go, Dave.

In honor of your return
as news director,

I got everyone to chip in on
a little welcome-back present.

Oh, well, thank you, Bill.
That's very nice.

It's a-- a carton of cigarettes.

Yeah. And these
are the hundreds,

which means that much more
smoking pleasure.

I-- I don't smoke.

When did you quit?

I didn't. I've never smoked.
I've never--

I've never smoked
a cigarette in my life.

Oh. Well, then I-- I guess
I'll just hang on to these.

Well, congratulations, boss.
Here's your first Matthew story to edit.

Ah, well, it's
not another story about a courageous cat, is it?

No, it's a book review
of The Hobbit.

- Positive, I assume.
- Effusive!

Uh, except for a few moral
reservations about the negative depictions of druids.

Oh, and, Lisa, hold on.
I think this is your leotard.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

When-- When-- When did you
start wearing a leotard?

- Oh, I started taking yoga.
- Oh.

She's got a new boyfriend.
What?

I can't believe it, either,
but you heard what I heard.

Yoga-- in a leotard.
Well, what are you talking about?

It's like this.

Lisa brutally dumps her
boyfriend-- you-- and goes out on the prowl for more man meat.

Well, Bill,
technically speaking,

I dumped her.

So, she meets a guy
in some sleaze pit.

The guy says,
"What are your hobbies?" She panics, says, "Yoga."

And then, once they do it
a few times, she has to buy a leotard to cover the lie.

It happens all the time.

What you're actually saying is,
it's happened to you, right?

Of course it did.

And let me tell you,
it was hell finding a leotard in my size.

Look, I think you're
jumping to conclusions.

Dave, I stand still.
The conclusions jump to me. What else did she leave in here?

- Bill, get out of my desk.
- Aha!

Here, if I'm not mistaken,
is Lisa's gentleman friend himself.

That's a picture of my mother.

Handsome woman.
Thank you.

- Join me for a smoke?
- No, thanks. Trying to cut down.

Good luck to you.

[ Door Closes ]

As you release,
you let it roll off your fingertips like this.

- Okay. Whoa!
- And that's how you throw a spiral.

Oh, yeah. Oh!
Okay, now you try.

Roll off your fingertips--
Oh!

Well, they probably both
signed up to be Big Brothers,

and then when they got down
there they were accidentally assigned to each other.

Well, I don't understand.
Then how did Matthew end up in the "Little Brother" role?

Water finds its own level.

So, what do you want to do
today? I was thinking maybe go back to the Central Park Zoo.

Penguin t*nk?
You know it.

Yeah!

Ah, excuse me, guys.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Danny, could we see Matthew
alone for a moment? Sure.

Thank you so much.
I'll be waiting right here.

Okay.
I mean that.

I will be right here.
I'm not gonna disappear on you.

You can count on that.
Thanks.

[ Clattering ]

Aha.

- What you got there?
- It's nothing.

That's an interesting
statement.

Let's analyze it,
shall we?

"It is nothing."

If something is, then logic
dictates it cannot be nothing.

Quod erat dim-strum
did-diddly-dum.

It's just two movie ticket
stubs, all right?

- Like I said, it's nothing.
- And these came from Pandora's desk?

- [ Sighs ] Yes.
- Women, huh? Can't live with 'em.

- Can't live without 'em.
- I don't know about that part.

Especially when
they're sneakin' around behind your back.

Well, you're overreacting.
What movie was it?

- What difference does it make?
- Don't twist the Kn*fe, Dave.

Just tell me what movie it was!

- Amistad.
- Oh! Total make-out flick!

- What?
- Oh! Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

[ Moans ]

Okay, you're supposed to be
the Big Brother, right? [ Sighs ]

And then some
little kid is supposed to be the Little Brother.

- Oh, I'm supposed to be
the Big Brother? - Yeah. Yeah!

No, no, no. See, 'cause Danny
is not a little kid, so--

[ Claps ]

You and Danny
are both supposed to be Big Brothers.

Both of you were
supposed to be assigned little kids.

Okay, you don't have
to do that every time.

I was just thinking.
Okay, so--

- So, this is just embarrassing.
- Well, it's not your fault.

Oh, I see now why those
two little kids...

were trying to tag along with
me and Danny at the agency.

Those-Those were your--
your Little Brothers. Wow.

I guess we shouldn't have
ditched them, huh?

Hey, g*ng.
Oh, hi, Bill.

Do we have any
half-and-half? Yeah, in the fridge.

What time is it?
11:37.

- Anybody here see
that Amistad movie? - Yeah, I did.

Me too.
Aha!

What?
Nothing.

[ Rapid Footsteps ]

[ Panting ]

Trouble at the mill, Lassie?

There's no easy way to
say this, Dave, so I guess I'll just blurt it out.

- Okay.
- Lisa-- Lisa's dating Beth!

No, she isn't.

I didn't want to
believe it either, chief. Mm-hmm.

But you should have
heard the two of them going on about...

their wonderful evening
together at Amistad!

- Dave, is it true?
- No, it's not.

Dude, normally I think
two chicks gettin' together is awesome,

but since you're my friend,
I don't think it's awesome at all.

- Gosh, thanks, Joe.
- No sweat.

But Beth and Lisa
are not dating. Bill just got this whole idea...

from two movie ticket stubs
I found in Lisa's desk.

Oh. That doesn't
mean anything.

- Exactly.
- But it does beg the question: Who is Lisa dating?

- Exactly.
- Joe, leave the paranoid conjecturing to Bill.

Sorry, dude, that's
not how I operate.

There's tons of
good stuff in here. We already found a leotard.

A leotard? Oh, man!

Yeah, she says
she's gotten into yoga.

Any dietary change
like that's a sure tip-off.

Huh?

No, no.
"Yoga," not "yogurt."

Oh, that's even worse!
[ Groans ]

Oh, Matthew, this is insanity.
You've got to tell him that there has been a mistake.

I know, it's just not that easy.
I think having a--

having a Little Brother's
really important to Danny.

Plus, there's a lot of things
I could learn from him. Really? Like what?

Like, how to just
say no to dr*gs.

Or how important it is
to steer clear of the whole g*ng scene.

Matthew, you're 30 years old.
You're not gonna join a g*ng.

Lisa, don't dare me, okay?

Okay, here's
your cocoa, slugger. Oh, thanks, Big Bro.

Uh-oh, forgot
the marshmallows.

Don't worry about it,
I know where they're hidden. Here give me that.

He's a great kid,
isn't he? Yeah, yeah, he is.

Um, don't you think, um,

he's a little big
to be a-a Little Brother?

Well, you know, when
I first hooked up with Matthew, I thought, "Hang on.

I want one of the little ones."
But as time went by,

and we spent more time together,
I realized he needs just as much guidance and love and...

good, old-fashioned
Big Brothering as anyone else.

That's true, which is sad.
But still--

Danny?
Yeah, sport?

I can't find where
I hid the marshmallows.

I'll be right there.

Ah, you know,
actually he's kinda cute.

Well, yeah, sure,
he's cute, but that--

Hi, Lisa.
Hi, Bill.

- How are you today, Lisa?
- Fine, Bill.

So, what have you been doing
lately? Or should I say, who have you been doing lately?

Bill, just let this die.

Dave, I came as soon as I heard.
How're you holdin' up, buddy? He's fine.

It hurts, but he's fine.

Joe? Don't worry, son.
We'll-- We'll get you through this.

Sir, there is nothing
to get me through, all right?

Lisa and I are no longer dating.
She can do whatever the hell-- What the hell is this?

Surveillance camera footage
of the lobby downstairs from the night in question.

Now here's--
here's Lisa leaving.

And what have we here?
She's stopping.

Perchance to meet someone?

And who might this be?
The lucky gentleman himself?

[ Sighs ]
No, Bill, that's you.

Oh. Do I really
look that heavy?

It's probably just the angle.
Yeah.

And-- And Lisa's on
her merry way home.

Joe, Joe, Joe, just
fast-forward it a little bit. You got it.

Okay! Okay!
Here-Here now. See? Now here, as you'll note,

is Lisa the next morning.

And someone seems to be
wearing the same clothes from the night before.

Back it up a little, Joe.

- Dude, she's wearing
the same clothes. - I can see that.

You know what that means.
Yes.

Yes, I-I know what that means.

- That means sex.
- Yes! Yes, I know, Joe.

I know exactly what it means.
Thank you.

Just follow my lead. Trust me.
No, no. Don't hurt his feelings.

Don't hurt his feelings.
We're just gonna play a little pretend.

Okay. I have to warn you, when
it comes to playing pretend, I'm, like, really good.

Okay, look,
just follow my lead.

Okay.
Hey, sport.

- Hey.
- You ready to go back and check out those penguins again?

Yeah. Yeah.
Danny, I was wondering if we couldn't talk for a second.

I think, actually,
there's been a mix-up. What's up?

Well, um, I don't--
I don't-- I don't know how to put this.

Um, are you familiar with
the Big Sisters program?

Yeah.
Oh, okay, great. Well, I am in that program.

Oh!
And, uh, I've, um-- I've been assigned to Matthew...

to be his Big Sister.
Oh. How long has this been going on?

About two years.
Three years.

Two or three years.
The point is, is that, um,

ever since Matthew became
your Little Brother,

I just haven't had
much of a chance to be, you know, Big Sisterly.

[ Chuckles ] You know?
The fact of the matter is, there's just not enough...

of the Little Brother
to go around.

Is that true, chief?
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I see. And you'd rather
keep her instead of me?

Oh, I don't want
to have to choose here.

She take you bowling
like I do? It's not a competition, Danny.

Well, you never did
ever take me bowling.

I, uh-- I did take
you ice skating.

Oh, that's true. You did.
Yeah, she did. That's such a coincidence.

This afternoon after
the penguins, I was planning on buying you a pair of skates.

No!
All right. Stop it. Just stop it.

You can't waltz in here
and buy his love.

I'm in here every day.
Well, I'd be in here every day, too,

but someone's gotta make
enough money to pay for his guitar lessons.

It's not about money.
It's about devotion, and it's about what's best for Matthew!

- What makes you think you're
what's best for Matthew? - Stop it!

Can't you see
you're tearing me apart?

Sit down, Dave.
[ Clears Throat ] We need to talk.

- We know who it is.
- This is Lisa's phone record.

Yeah, well, Lisa's cell
phone is company property.

[ Sighs ]
Well, this is a terrible invasion of her privacy.

No, we're trying to figure out
who's invading her "privacy," if you know what I'm sayin'.

- You get what I'm sayin'?
- I get what you're saying.

All right. Come on.
On the day in question, she made three calls...

to a number here
none of us recognize.

-I want nothing to do with this.
-We're gonna find out who it is.

You're free to go if you like.
I didn't think so.

[ Line Ringing ]
Presenting Lisa's new boyfriend.

- [ Ringing ]
- Here he comes, Lisa's boyfriend.

[ Ringing ]
The guy Lisa's doing. Get ready.

[ Rings ]
Hi. This is Jimmy James.

I'm not in right now,
but leave a message and I'll get back to you.

♪ [ Theme From
The Rockford Files ]

[ Beeps ]
[ Clicks Off ]

Wow. This is
an incredibly heavy moment.

Mr. James is not dating Lisa.
That's absurd.

I'm-- All right. I'm not
dating Lisa, all right?

You don't recognize
your own phone number?

He changes
his home phone number every two weeks.

Why do you do that?
Security.

Oh, Big Brother?

No, it's my whole
damn family actually.

[ Tapping ]
[ Man ] Matthew.

Don't tap on the glass!
I know, I know. Sorry.

They are just like people.
[ Chuckling ]

Oh, boy.
He really loves it here. Tell me about it.

This is the fourth time
this week we've been here. He's gonna get sick of it.

Oh, but he's not
the kind of person that gets sick of things.

No, I've noticed.
Oh, I'm all under water, but watch out!

I'm gonna jump up
on that rock!

You know, he actually
reminds me a lot of my nieces and nephews back home.

Oh! Did you just
move here recently? Yeah, about two months ago.

That's sort of
why I signed up for the Big Brother program.

I was feeling a little homesick.
Oh. Oh, where is home exactly?

Arizona.
Oh, wow! Oh!

[ Laughing ]
I don't know anyone from Arizona.

Well, I guess
I'm your first.

[ Sighs ]
I don't know if I told you guys this,

but the funny part
about penguins is they're just like--

Oh, my God.
What are you-- No!

You're--
You're Brother and Sister.

Oh, my--
Matthew, come back!

[ Crashing ]
Oh, my gosh!

I dropped a coffee cup.
Uh, yes, it-it-- it looks like you did.

Uh-huh, I did.

Lisa.
What?

What?
What? [ Clears Throat ]

What's going on here?
Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Damn!

All right. Knock it off.
This has gone too far.

Well, what? What--
What-What has gone too far, Dave?

What's going on here?
Joe, get up.

Maybe we should be asking
you the same thing, no?

This is something Lisa and I
can work out between us. Work what out between us?

It's nothing.
Okay.

Do the words Amistad
mean anything to you?

Well, Amistad is
only one word, but--

Just answer the question.
Dave, take this down for the record.

- No.
- Bill, I already told you, I've seen the movie.

With who? Or perhaps
I should say, "With whom?"

Well, I'm afraid that's
none of your business.

So, you're not denying...

that you did see
the motion picture Amistad with somebody or something.

- I object to this.
- Overruled.

Bill, you may continue.

Thank you.
On the night of January 2,

did you or did you not
rendezvous with one of your so-called boy toys and--

- Okay, now wait a minute.
I object to that. - Withdrawn.

Lisa, we all like to go out
from time to time, see a flick, have some dinner,

maybe get
a little ooh-la-la-- Okay.

If you wanted to know
if I went out on a date, you could have asked me.

I really don't care.
The only people that care around here are my friends...

Atticus Finch, Scout
and Boo Radley over there.

- Who did you go on a date with?
- A guy named Mike who works in Accounting.

- Any further questions?
- Did you and Mike do it?

If you must know, no.

Third base?

No. Just a good-night kiss
on the cheek.

Your Honor, if I may?
Your witness.

Then why were you wearing
the same clothes that morning as you were the night before?

Because... that night...

- I had sex... with Dave!
- [ Joe Gasps ]

[ Phone Pounding ]

I called him up, said,
"Can I come over?" He said, "Yes."

I went over. We did it.
End of story.

- I thought you guys
were broken up. - We are.

It was just
a one-time thing for sex.

Well, when you say it like that,
you make it sound so... cheap.

It does sound cheap.

But I'm sure once we know
all the sordid details,

this will go down as
the classiest booty call on record.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, Matthew.
Hi.

Oh, you're not still mad
at me for making out with your Big Brother, are you?

Wouldn't you be? Maybe
you should try reading the Bible sometime.

Why did it take you four hours
to get from the zoo back here? What's that all about?

Ah, well, Danny and I
were looking for you.

Sure you were.
I bet you guys, like, went to a movie or something.

- Hmm, listen,
I'll tell you what. - What?

Tomorrow, me and you
could do something in the afternoon together.

We could do something fun.
Yeah, like what?

- Like, go to the penguin t*nk.
- No, I-- Yeah, okay.

Okay.
No, I don't-- Okay. Let's just go.

Let's go. Okay, they open
at 6:00 a.m., so we should probably get there at 5:30 a.m.,

you know, to b*at
the rush and all. Okay. Don't tap on the glass.

I know. I-- Well, I have
to get their attention, you know, so they can--

If I could really talk
to them, that'd be-- that'd be something.

[ Gibberish ]

So, we're just talking about
the movie, and then, you know,

we're having a really
good time and I--

and I start feeling
like things are gonna...

get to that point,
you know?

You sure this
isn't bothering you? No, no.

I like-- I like
talking about this. It's fun.

So then Mike refers to John
Quincy Adams as the second president of the United States.

Uh-huh.
Which he wasn't. He was the sixth.

Yeah!
I knew it was never gonna work, so I kissed him on the cheek,

and I came over to your place.
I guess I just wish I had known...

you were coming to me
straight from the arms of another man, you know?

Well, it never came up.
Well, I wish we'd just talked about it,

or talked about anything,
you know, b-beforehand, or-- or even afterward...

w-would have been nice,
you know. We had a conversation.

No, we didn't, actually.
What happened was, I opened the door.

You said,
"Who was the sixth president of the United States?"

I said, "Jefferson,"
and you said, "Close enough," and then we were on the bed.

Well, near the bed.
Yeah, well, my-my point is still the same.

I have some stuff
to finish up. Yeah, all right.

Good night.
Okay. Oh, Lisa.

Yeah?
I just wanted to let you know that, uh--

I actually have
a-- a date tonight myself.

Oh, good.
Have a good time.

- I will, I will. Thanks.
- What time you think you'll be home?

Midnight.
Okay, I'll see you then.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.