04x16 - Beep, Beep

[bunniefuu]

Do you need a pointer,
Mr. James?

No, I've got one of these
laser pointers here. [ Clicks ]

[ Clicks ]

No, no! Don't put it
in your mouth.

Would you get Mr. James
a regular pointer? Oh, yeah. Sure.

Good. Close your door
on the way out, and tell me...

the instant Matthew's
birthday present gets here. Can I look at it?

Don't look at it.

Okay. Now-- Oh, oh.

You guys remember that
secret workplace analysis I had commissioned?

No.

You know, the guys who have been
secretly observing...

everyone in the office
for the past six months?

- No.
- Good.

I got-- I got the results,
and here they are.

Check it out.

I don't believe this.
It's got everything in here.

Mm-hmm.
[ Lisa ] Wow, Dave.

Look how much
coffee you drink.

Yeah, well, look how many times
you go to the bathroom.

You know, you two get
a sequined thermos and a silver toilet,

you could put on
quite a magic show.

But I digress.

Okay, here's, uh--

- The point I wanted to make
is this right here. - What's that?

Well, this is all that
boiled down into one easy-to-read graph.

See, the red line represents
Lisa's productivity. The blue line is Dave's.

Well, it looks like
our productivity...

has dropped off
a little bit-- Yeah? Hell!

Dropped off a little bit?
It's like an Olympic ski jump.

Come on, kids. Look.

We got a very
serious drop-off of productivity here...

on-- I don't know--
around November 12.

Oh.

And what's November 12?

November 12 is the day
you broke up with me.

Ah, well. Yes, but
if you recall, that was ultimately a mutual decision.

Wasn't a mutual decision.
Yes, it was.

No one consulted
with me.

Matthew's birthday
present's here.

Oh, good. I'll be
right back, but I want you to think about this.

You know, it actually is
kind of interesting.

Well, it's not
as interesting as this.

Guess how many pieces of gum
Beth chewed last year.

Seven hundred and fifty.

One.

Why do we have to wear
these stupid party hats anyway?

Because if I'm the only one
wearing a stupid party hat, I'll feel like a dork.

Why do you have to wear it?

Okay.

Now, when the elevator
doors open,

we'll all yell surprise.
I'm all over that.

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
[ Together ] Surprise!

Where is he?
I don't know. He said he was coming.

Do you want me
to go look for him or what?

Ohh! Matthew,
this party's for you.

Oh. God, I thought
it was weird...

that somebody else had
my exact same birthday.

Yeah. Maybe
we'll just skip the surprise part...

and go straight
to the present, huh? Now you're speaking my language.

Matthew, on behalf of everyone--

but especially me
'cause I picked it out and paid for it--

- happy birthday.
- Oh, my-- Wow!

Yeah.
That is cool.

Yeah, she's, uh--
she's all yours, son. Oh.

[ Sniffs ]
Ah. Nothing like that tiny, new-car smell.

Okay, number one,
thank you very much. Yeah.

Number two,
this is totally awesome.

And number three--
Eat my dust, suckers! [ Horn Beeps ]

Look. Wh-When you guys
are a couple,

your productivity
is through the roof.

When you're broken up,
in the toilet.

Yeah, but what
about these spikes? This was after we broke up.

Yeah, actually I don't
quite understand those either.

Yeah, I mean, like,
January 1.

Oh.

- It was the New Year's party.
- Ah!

Yeah, well, uh--
Yeah, well, anyway--

Yeah, but what about these
on February 19?

Well, the figures all seem
to be pretty sound-- Yeah, it's weird, though,

because this one doesn't go
quite as high as the other one.

Well, you know,
I'd been drinking, and--

You know, thanks, sir.

Thank you for bringing this
to our attention. Okay.

- We'll take care of it.
- Fine. I'll just get out of your way here,

- so you two can consummate
this thing. - Uh-uh. Excuse me?

You two are getting
back together, right?

Well, that's not
something that we'd considered, sir.

Fine.
You want to play hardball?

I can play hardball.

Okay, maybe, uh--

Yeah. Maybe this'll
change your minds a little bit.

No, Mr. James,
this really isn't...

an issue of money.
Here you go.

This paper says "please."

I'm actually willing to say that
if that's, you know, what it takes.

Well, that is
a very generous offer. Good. Okay.

So you two probably need time
to think about this, so I'll--

You keep that.

[ Door Closes ]

Well, I, uh--
I suppose it can't hurt...

to discuss the feasibility
of some sort of relationship.

- You mean on a purely
professional level? - Of course.

Yeah, well, all right.
Um,

for starters I'd like
to say that I think...

last couple of months
we've managed to establish...

a remarkably harmonious,
post-romantic friendship.

- Thereby exceeding
all expectations. - Quite so.

Although there are times
when I do...

- miss the warmth and intimacy
of our former arrangement. - As do I.

Dave, let's not
get emotional about this.

[ Horn Beeps ]

[ Horn Beeps ]

Here's that research
that you wanted.

Mr. James wants
to see you guys in the break room right away.

[ Back-up Alarm Beeping ]

Table for two.

[ Sighs ]
Come on, Joe.

Yeah, I'm not
nuts about it either, but Jimmy's giving me 50 bucks.

A hundred if you guys
wind up doing it.

Hi, guys.
Hi.

Uh, this is very thoughtful,
Mr. James, and we were discussing your proposal--

Okay, just hear me out.
Hear me out.

Have a seat.
There you go. Yeah.

Maybe a little bubbly
to wet your whistle. Joseph?

- Hi. My name is Joseph. I'll be
your waiter this morning. - Hi, Joe.

Hey. Today we have specials.
Our appetizers are oysters on the half shell.

Oysters.

You know
what that means.

It means sex.

Hey, wait a minute, guys.
Ju-- Oh! Oh, never mind, Beth. Wait, no. Hang on.

I think I'm getting
the hang of it. Listen to this. ♪ [ Scratching ]

- "Lady of Spain?"
- No. "Safety Dance." Are you tone deaf?

Stuck playing
second fiddle, eh, Jim? [ Chuckling ]

What's troubling you,
old soul?

Well, Dave and Lisa
are better as a couple, right?

Of course they are.

They belong together
like "H" and two "O."

I tried everything--
candlelight, oysters,

Stradivarius.

They're just so--
so damn stubborn.

I understand.
Well, there's nothing wrong with a grown man...

trying to correct
the childhood trauma of a broken home.

I didn't come
from a broken home.

I was talking about me.
Oh.

Want to give it a sh*t?
Thought you'd never ask.

Good.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a fire...

to stoke.
Attaboy.

Ohh!

I don't know what it is,
but you sure have the magic touch, Beth.

I'm not Beth.

Then why are you doing that?

Lisa, why don't we
go out for lunch today?

Just you, me,

a bottle of wine
and thou.

Okay,
Bill. We have to go over your editorials for next week anyway.

Delicious.

Why is he doing that?

I don't know,
but he's really good at it.

- Better than Beth?
- Almost.

Want a turn?
Yeah, sure. What the hell.

All right, Bill.

Dig in. Let's see
what you're made of.

Lisa seems to like it
when I do this.

Hmm. I can see why.

Mmm! Mm-hmm.

Okay, you're done.
Hey!

Not so fast, cowboy.
Come on.

Mmm.

[ Horn Beeps ]
Watch out.

Thank you.
All right. Here we go.

Oh. Ho-ho!
You gotta watch it.

Whoa! Watch out there.
Gotta watch where you-- [ Gasps ]

[ Horn Beeps, Tires Screech ]

[ Woman Screams ]

[ Horn Continues Beeping ]

[ Sighs ]

Matthew, for the last time,
Bambi's mother didn't really die.

- It's not that this time.
- Oh. Well, what is it?

Oh, Beth.

There's been a terrible,
terrible accident.

Well, what happened?

Well, I was toolin' around
upstairs, right?

And I thought I'd open her up
and see what she could do.

So I was going a good five,
six miles an hour...

and-and-and suddenly, bam.

"Bam," what?
I ran into a woman.

With your little car?

[ Laughing ]

It's not funny, Beth.
I hit her.

And then I-I just panicked,
and I-- I drove away.

Uh-huh.
Did you hurt her?

I don't know.
Well, I knocked her shoe off.

I know that much.
Well, why'd you take her shoe?

Because I don't want her
to have any evidence. I don't have a license.

Really?
Not even a little, tiny one?

Okay, we get it.
The car is small.

Can we just get over that
and move on, please? Sorry. Okay.

You know what?
Why don't you just go upstairs and apologize to her?

No. 'Cause what if
she called the cops?

The little, tiny ones?

Beth, come on.
Help me out.

Okay, why don't you
just take her shoe back to her?

That works every time.
I do have to do that.

Beth. Beth!

- Yeah?
- The battery is dead.

Oh, okay. Hang on.
I think I got some double-A's in my desk.

[ Knocking ]

- Hey, muchacho.
- Hey, Bill.

You're taking it well,
compadre.

Well, you know,
I try to, you know-- for the sake of others.

Of course,
it's a great help to me...

that I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Always the last to know.
How classic. Yeah.

- I took Lisa out to lunch.
- Did you? Did you? Good for you.

It was a lot more
than lunch, you know.

A lot more.

Wait a minute.

You and Lisa didn't have...
coffee?

Yes, coffee... in bed.

After we did it.

Bill, you and Lisa
didn't do anything.

All right? I-I applaud
your misguided efforts to make me jealous,

but I've got work
to do, so...

leave.

I don't care about
making you jealous, Dave.

I just care about
pleasing your woman.

Lisa is not my woman.

And how.

[ Horn Beeps ]
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hi.
Whoops. Sorry. Wrong office.

No, I'm so--
Yeah, no.

Whoops. Sorry.

Oh.
Oh.

- Hi.
- Huh.

- I was-- I was just
looking for you. - Oh. Really?

Yeah. I don't know
if you remember me,

but I hit you with my car
about an hour ago.

And I just wanted to make sure
you were okay, and--

Oh, yeah.
Give you your shoe back.

I'm fine.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, good. Okay.
Thanks.

Good, 'cause--
Boy, you must think me quite the bounder...

for speeding off
like that, but I--

Does this thing
have a real motor?

It sure does.

That ain't the only thing
that's real, baby. [ Laughs ]

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Lisa ]
What the hell is Bill doing?

Oh, he's, uh--
he's trying to make me jealous...

so that you and I will
get back together again.

You know, this is getting
completely out of hand.

I know. He even tried
to tell me that you two had had sex.

What?
Bill, get in here.

'Course, I didn't believe
a word of it,

'cause, I mean, that
could never happen, right?

What, are you kiddin' me?

Yeah, of course
I'm kidding.

'Cause that would
never happen, right?

Dave, how can you
even say that? I know, I know. I'm sorry.

But you wouldn't
with Bill, right? Unbelievable.

Bill! Get in here!

What's goin' on?
[ Sighs ]

In the future,

I would appreciate it
if you would refrain from making...

implausible insinuations
about my sex life.

You got it. Though I think
the word "implausible" is a little strong.

No, it's not.
Bill, look at me.

I wouldn't have sex with you
if you were the last man on earth.

That's a bit
of an exaggeration.

No, it's not.

If you were
the last man on earth,

not only would I not
have sex with you,

I would migrate
to another continent...

and probably k*ll myself
with a boulder to make sure that your genes didn't live on.

Do you understand?
Sorry.

♪ Unicorn
please don't be forlorn ♪

♪ Unicorn, hey, unicorn ♪

Matthew.

- Yeah?
- Matthew, what are you doing?

What? I'm--
Hang on a second, Dave.

[ Car Alarm Beeps ]

So, what can I
do you for?

Take the toy car
off your desk and get back to work.

Oh, Dave, let me just
put one more coat on it, please. I got a real hot date tonight.

Well, good for you.
You know what--

If you're trying
to get Lisa back,

you might want to get yourself
one of these babies.

'Cause the chicks
dig the wheels.

I sincerely doubt that.

Well, I know one who does.

See, apparently her dad...

was a "lodge member,"
if you know what I mean. [ Patting ]

No, Matthew, I have
no idea what you mean.

And right now,
that is my sole source of comfort.

So would you please
clean up the mess...

and get back to work?

Yeah, I gotta get
some paper towels. All right.

Dave--
[ Car Alarm Blaring ]

[ Alarm Stops ]

Somebody's gotta do something
about this thing...

before Matthew kills himself.

Yes, I-I agree.
I think maybe something needs to happen...

to relieve Matthew
of this responsibility.

Understand?
You want me to k*ll him?

No! No, I'm saying
if something were to happen to the car,

I don't think
the investigation would be that aggressive.

Oh. Oh, all right.
You read me?

Loud and clear.
All right then.

Yeah.
Thanks.

So don't k*ll him.
No, don't k*ll him, no.

[ Lisa Clears Throat ]
Oh.

Uh, Lisa, are you still
mad at me from before?

Dave, I wasn't
really mad at you.

I think I was
just irritable...

because I hadn't had
my morning sex with Bill.

I-I deserve that.
I deserve that.

But while we're
on the subject, uh,

could you go apologize
to Bill?

No. Absolutely not.

Dave, the man claimed
to have sex with me, and you believed him.

I know. I said I'm sorry,
but for the past two hours...

he's been in my office,
gently weeping into a sofa cushion.

He's faking it.
Of course he's faking it,

but he's not getting
any work done, and neither am I.

Dave, you know,
there is more to life than work.

No, there isn't.
Stop pretending you're any different about that than I am.

That's right. I forgot
I'm talking to the man that broke up with me,

because he thought
that romantic engagements could affect job performance.

I was just trying to make
you happy, and Lord knows nothing else was working.

Well, it did make me happy.
Aha! So the truth comes out at last.

Oh, Bill. Bill, I'm sorry
for what I said to you earlier today.

What I really meant
to say was,

"I yearn for you
to plunder me sexually."

Okay. When?

Aha! So, the truth
comes out at last again.

I'm sorry, Dave.
I really want to get my work done,

so I can get back
to my duties as office slut.

[ Sniffs ]
All right. You've got work to do.

Fortunately,
I happen to have...

an office with
a door that closes.

Good. Use it.
[ Door Slams ]

I'm busy tonight,
but if you want...

to meet me at my place
before work tomorrow--

Or I could pencil you
in for Friday.

Okay, Leslie, just put it
right over there.

Dave, Lisa,
we've gotta talk.

I'm busy.
Me too.

Oh, come on, guys.
This is really important here, and I got a new chart.

- Don't care. I'm working.
- Me too.

Last time I checked, I was still
the boss of you and you. Now get over there.

Okay.

This is a graph
of your productivity today...

on a minute-by-minute basis.

How could you possibly know
how productive we were every minute?

I told you.
I've got a whole secret team of observers working on this.

Yeah. Sure, you do.
Okay, now,

I am happy to say...

I have seen a sharp increase
in productivity...

around 2:30 today.

And I just wanted
to thank you guys...

for, you know,

doin' it, as you
obviously did do it.

Didn't you?

No, we most certainly
did not... do it.

Lisa, look there.
The graph doesn't lie.

Wait a minute.
You didn't do anybody else, either one of you, did you?

Well, I know I didn't.
Oh, insinuating that I did?

No, for God's sakes.
I'm not insinuating anything.

Guys--
Oh, good, because I have some work to do,

which we all know
is the most important thing in the universe.

Well, so do I.
Aw, geez.

[ Door Slams ]
Mr. James, it's not your fault. They've been fighting all day.

Since about what time?

What's that?
What time did they start fighting?

Uh, I don't know.
I guess it was around 2:30.

2:30. 2:30.

Wait a minute. When they
were going out together,

- did they fight a lot?
- That's about all they did.

Well, that figures!

Oh, gee! I guess--

I guess my secret study
was a big waste of time, huh?

Well, it looks like it,
Mr. James. Okay.

Uh, team?
Study's over.

Secret observation
is no longer required,

so let's go ahead
and call it a day, okay?

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Appreciate it. Make sure
everybody's got a voucher so we can take care of you.

Thank you.
See ya soon.

Good to see you.

What? No.

No.

No!

Joe! My car
has been stolen.

Are you sure?
Yeah. I parked it right here under my desk.

Well, dude, you know,
you drive a flashy car like that...

in New York City,
that's the risk you take.

[ Sighs ]
Yes, but--

Wait a minute.
Mary's gonna be here any minute.

What is she gonna do
when she finds out I don't have wheels?

I think I may be able
to help you out.

What?

What am I supposed
to do with this? Just put it on.

Put it on.
Put it on.

What?

Hi, Matthew.

Hi.

Why don't we just
go back to my place?

[ Laughs ]