04x17 - Balloon

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
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Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
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04x17 - Balloon

Post by bunniefuu »

Well, that's all
I've got, so--

Correction. Please maintain
current positions. Incoming message.

Apparently, Mr. James has
a very important announcement he'd like to make.

If it's important,
Matthew should be here for this. Right.

- Um, I'm right here.
- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Whatever.
Why doesn't anybody notice me anymore?

So what's
the announcement, Jim?

Well, it's-it's more of
a puzzle, actually. A puzzle?

Yeah.
Riddle me this, Boy Wonder. What has two arms, two legs,

$5.7 billion,

and is gonna circumnavigate
the globe in a hot-air balloon?

No.
Oh, yeah.

No, no.
Yeah, yeah. Tonight at 1900 hours--

Wait. I'm good at these.
Let me guess. Hang on a second.

- Matthew, I already
gave the answer. - No, I know it. I got it.

It's Rupert "Birdoch."
Get it?

It's Rupert Murdoch,
but I put a "bird" in there--

Matthew,
I think what Mr. James is trying to say...

is that he's going
to circle the world in a hot-air balloon.

Okay. Anyway,
at 1900 hours,

I am going to embark
on a round-the-world voyage...

in the H.M.S. Badd Boy,

a miniature prototype of which
my flight technician, Joe, is bringin' right in.

- Thanks, Joe.
- Oh, awesome model, Joe.

Thanks.
Mr. James gave me a budget of 15 grand,

but I managed to make it
for a little under seven bucks.

Uh, Joe, I was gonna ask you
about that other 14,000. Look, it lights up.

Oh, cool! I like that.
Okay, good. Anyway--

So what's
gonna happen is, I'll be in here,

and we'll begin the mission
by making a straight, vertical ascent up thataway.

Okay, ready?
Here we go.

[ Crashes ]

Of course, the real thing's
gonna be a little better than that, isn't it, Joe?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Mr. James, you are not going
to fly around the world in a hot-air balloon.

- Oh, yes, I am.
- With whom? - All by myself.

When?
Today.

Why?
Because it's there.

What's there?
What's where?

Who's on first?
I don't know.

Third base!

Bill, shut up.

Mr. James, what if something
goes wrong and you get fatally injured or even k*lled?

Well, let them say this
about me:

"He d*ed with his balloon on."

Jim, a practical question
at this juncture, if I may?

- Go ahead.
- Thank you.

Hasn't this been done before?
I mean, it seems like every year,

another billionaire is tryin'
to fly around the world in a balloon.

Well, why the hell do you think
I'm doin' this?

I mean, the peer pressure
among billionaires is incredibly intense.

Bill Gates practically
called me a Nancy boy.

- Do you know anything
about hot-air ballooning? - Nope.

Do you know how
to chart a course? Nope.

- Do you know what makes
a hot-air balloon fly? - Joe?

[ Joe ]
Hot air. See? I'll be fine.

The camera crews are gonna
arrive around 1:00.

I'll be making my official
good-byes from here. I'll see you then.

I'm not letting you go,
Mr. James. It's too dangerous.

I appreciate your concern,
Beth, but I don't wanna hear any more arguments.

My destiny awaits me.

Like I said before,
I'm not leavin' right away.

I'll be back here today before
settin' off on my voyage.

Okay, we'll just
pick this up later. That'll be fine.

Worried about the big chief,
little chief?

Well, yeah, Bill,
I am kind of worried about it.

There a fine line between
eccentricity and downright suicidal foolhardiness.

I know.
I walk that line every Saturday night.

What?

Nothing.
I wouldn't worry about Jimmy.

- Oh. Why not?
- Well, I don't know.

I just wouldn't.
Boy, I picked a hell of a day to quit smoking.

You did?
Oh, terrific, Bill. Good for you.

Thanks. I'm tryin' not
to make a big deal about it. I understand that.

- You've got my full support.
- Well, I appreciate that.

I don't know how I ever started.
Filthy habit. Oh, I know.

But it's hard to quit,
especially when you start at a young age.

But I hope you--
What-What-What's that?

Chaw. Chaw.
Chewing tobacco.

You want some?
No. No. Why are you chewing tobacco?

Well, I gave up smoking,
Dave, not nicotine.

Chewing tobacco's just
as dangerous as smoking.

Yeah, but to my gums,
not my lungs.

I'm tryin' to mix it up
a little here. Come on. Sure you don't want some?

- Absolutely, yeah. No, no.
- Your funeral.

Bill?
Hmm?

Take that crap
out of your mouth.

[ Mumbling ]
Oh, sorry.

[ Beth ] Dave, where is he?
In my office, getting ready to make his big entrance.

- Isn't there anything that
you can do to stop him? - He'll be fine.

- But what if something
goes wrong? - Oh, just relax.

Jimmy's as safe as a bug
in a baby's bottom.

How can you people
be so calm about this?

Well, I do it by
imagining that Mr.James...

is making a mystical journey
into the realm of magic.

♪ [ Drumroll ]
Oh, my God. See?

- What's going on now?
- It's 1:00.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

presenting the president
and C.E.O. of Jimmy James Incorporated,

Jimmy James!

♪ [ Orchestra:
"Hail To The Chief" ]

- [ Chattering ]
- Thank you! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

In the grand tradition
of Phineas Fogg, Richard Branson...

and that guy who owns all
the Oriental steakhouses,

I am about to embark
on a grand adventure.

And now, I will be
giving my exclusive, preflight interview...

to WNYX's own star reporter,
Lisa Miller.

Lisa?

Mr. James, I think the question
everyone wants to hear the answer to is: Why?

Why? Well, uh,
a thirst for danger is certainly part of it.

A desire to-to live life
to its fullest.

But I think the real reason--
the real reason...

is to show up certain
so-called billionaires...

who don't have the guts
to take to the skies.

I'm talkin' to you,
Billy Gates!

Where do you plan
to depart from, sir?

Well, that's a--
that's a secret, Lisa Miller.

But as soon as all this is over,
I'll be gettin' in my private jet and flying...

to a secret location
where my balloon-o-sphere is waiting.

Why all the secrecy?
The secrecy. Well, the secrecy.

For one reason
and one reason only--

to avoid
potential saboteurs.

That's right, Billy boy.
You're not gonna get a chance to mess this one up!

Good luck to you, sir.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

Now-- [ Clears Throat ]
if you'll all excuse me,

somewhere out there,
there's a balloon waitin' with my name on it.

Literally.
Joe!

Mind if I join ya?
Hmm. Help yourself.

- Do you know
if Jimmy's launched yet? - No word yet.

[ Groans ]

Don't even think about it.

Um, here.

No, keep it. Keep it.

That's your cup
from now on and forever.

What if I accidentally
spit in your cup?

Don't.
I won't. But what if it's an accident?

This is your cup.
This is my cup.

This cup is for chaw spit.

This cup is just for coffee.
Got it?

Got it.
Good, good.

Oh, Bill!

Hey, that's my cup!

You guys,
Mr. James is on TV.

Oh, my God,
there he is. There he is.

Oh, my God.
He's actually doing it.

[ Man ] The hazards for
Mr. James will be low altitude atmospheric disturbances--

You've picked a hell of a time
to actually start working. [ Typing Rapidly ]

Oh, I'm not--
I'm not working, Dave. I'm-- I'm just--

I'm so nervous about Mr. James
that I'm, you know, just hitting keys randomly.

Well, be careful you don't
accidentally write something. Yeah.

You guys, they're going live
to the capsule. He's gonna say something.

We now go live
to Jimmy James. Hello, America.

Well, as you can see,
I have safely lifted off at 1900 hours...

from my super-secret
launching pad somewhere near the Sahara Desert.

All systems--
All systems are go.

Mr. James, tell us,
where are you now?

Well, gosh, I don't know.
Let's--

Let's take a-- take a look
out the window here.

Oh-Oh!
Sorry, can't look.

Mr. James, clearly
you're aware other people have tried this before.

I have to ask,
just what is it that makes you think that--

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. [ Beeping ]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
My red light here seems to indicate...

that we're gonna run into
some rough weather.

I hope this doesn't
spell disaster for my mission.

But if it does,
I'm sure all of you will get the blow-by-blow account...

from my favorite
news radio station, WNYX in New York.

Sorry, folks, I gotta go.

Well, apparently,
ladies and gentlemen, we have lost our signal.

That was billionaire
sportsman Jimmy James...

flying high above Egypt
in his hot-air balloon attempting to--

[ Clicks Off ]
Well, he's certainly getting his plugs in.

Plugs? Plugs?

Mr. James is
500 feet in the air,

and all you can think about
is his hair?

- I'll go talk to her.
- Thanks.

Oh!

[ Beth ] I'm gonna go
straight home and watch the coverage of Jimmy's flight.

- Are you coming, Dave?
Are you okay? - Uh-huh.

Okay, listen,
if anything happens with Mr. James...

between now and
the time I get home, call me, okay?

- Uh-huh.
- I'm gonna call you when I get home to let you know I'm home.

-Uh-huh.
-If you wanna give me a $500,000 million raise, say, "Uh-huh."

- Nope.
- [ Sighs ]

We have reestablished
visual and audio contact with millionaire Jimmy--

[ Jimmy ]
Billionaire. billionaire Jimmy James.

Yeah.
Hi, Mr. James. Good to hear from you again.

Tell us,
what is your present location? I'm up in a balloon.

Yes, sir, we know that.
What I meant was, geographically.

[ Jimmy ]
Oh, yeah.

My navigation system here
would seem to indicate...

that we are flying
over a region of the former Soviet Republic.

[ Spits ]

[ Cup Shatters ]

[ TV: Jimmy Continues,
Indistinct ]

Mr. James?
Mr. James? [ Jimmy Sneezes ]

[ Sighs ]
Mr. James, come out from behind that curtain.

What are you doing?
You're supposed to be up in a balloon.

I am.
I'm in the balloon. Mr. James!

Okay, fine.
Come on in.

Well?
Wow.

This is--
This is unbelievable.

I mean, you've been
faking the whole thing. What thing?

The balloon mission.

No, no. Faking? Come on, Dave.
That's just a really strong word.

Dynamite stuff in
that last segment, Jimbo. Thanks. Appreciate it.

I really appreciate it.
Dave, you just--

You can't be so judgmental
about these things, you know?

How do you expect
to keep an operation this massive a secret?

What's so massive about it?
Well, you're obviously employing a lot of people.

No. Using a lot of people
is exactly what went wrong back in Dallas.

Huh?
This is strictly a three-man operation.

Uh-huh. Well, is--
Where's Joe?

[ Joe ] Mr. James,
at 0700 hours, I wanna try and do some turbulence.

So climb in the balloon.
I wanna see what it looks like when I shake it really hard.

Okay.

Man, what's he doin' here?

Well, he kind of
snuck up on me, Joe. I couldn't avoid him.

Fine.
But don't tell anybody. So what?

So I'm supposed
to keep my mouth shut for two months?

Who said anything
about two months?

That's how long it takes
to circumnavigate the globe in a balloon.

Two months? Joe, you said
I'd be back this weekend.

Theoretically, if you went
through a wormhole or somethin'.

Aw, geez. Joe!
You're the one who didn't wanna pay for the lightning machine!

I don't wanna spend two months
doin' this crap!

- Well, scrub the mission.
- No, I can't.

The eyes of the nation
are upon me. Oh, man!

All right. I'll tell ya what.
Give me a little time to figure out a graceful exit, all right?

Well, how much time
do you need? Two weeks.

I'll give you six hours.
Twelve hours.

Deal.

Hey, Dave.
Hey.

I couldn't get
any sleep last night. How about you?

- I did fine.
- Really? I was so worried about Mr. James.

That was really rough turbulence
he hit over the Persian Gulf.

Yeah. I wouldn't worry
too much about Mr. James.

Really?
But were you watching it? I mean, really,

it was like someone physically
grabbed the capsule...

and was just shaking it
and shaking it and shaking it!

Yeah.
It-It was a lot like that.

Where are you now, sir?

All right. For the last time,
I'm up in the air in a balloon!

Yeah, of course.
But over which country?

Uh, I-I don't know.
One of them, you know, foreign countries.

I see.
Yeah.

So-So tell us,
how far up are you?

Oh, I'm, like--
Oh, gee, uh,

gotta be 40,
50 feet, maybe.

No, that-that
can't be right.

Ah! Oh, doggone it!
What am I thinkin'?

I got-- I got that wrong.

I'm, like,
40 or 50 miles up. Whoo!

Boy, am I up there!
Gosh!

It's so high, the people--
the people look like ants down there.

Mr. James, what exactly
is going on up there?

I'm balloonin' my ass off.
I thought that was obvious.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Something's happening. I'm gettin' a little turbulence.

I gotta go!

[ Steady Beep ]

What do you think Jimmy's
doing up there?

Could you ask me that question
again in one hour and 13 minutes?

You know what I think
he's doing?

I think he's faking
the whole thing. I don't think he's in a balloon at all.

Really?
Really.

Hmm.

It's almost as if he was
faking this whole thing...

on a soundstage down
on the 10th floor with Joe.

Exactly. I mean,
it's almost just like they-they went-- Dave!

You knew!
I was sworn to secrecy.

Well, how long have you
been keeping this secret?

Uh, 10 hours
and 48 minutes.

You know that this is completely
and totally unethical.

I know it wasn't
great journalism.

No, I'm talking about
that you didn't tell me.

- Mr. James's balloon crashed.
- What?

It's on the TV.
They don't know much, but it definitely crashed.

And so the desperate search
for solo balloonist Jimmy James continues.

The massive rescue effort
is under way for lost solo balloonist Jimmy James.

This is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen in my life.

You know, Lisa, I'm
generally considered the most callous person in the office.

But today, I gladly
pass that hat to you.

You see? I tried to tell you.
I tried to warn you that it was dangerous.

But nobody would listen to me.
I told everybody I thought it was--

Get a grip on yourself!
I can't help it! Oh, my God!

No, I'm supposed
to do that to you!

That's okay.
It kind of calmed me down.

Ew! What's in
your mouth?

Oh. Uh--

Well, Dave, I hope
you're proud of yourself.

Look, I-I told him,
in no uncertain terms,

that if he didn't
end this thing in 12 hours, I was gonna blow the whistle.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What are you doin' here?

Will you two shut up
and get out of here? I'm about to go on the air!

Why did you
crash the balloon? Part of my graceful exit.

I thought that's what
you wanted here.

[ Joe ]
We're on in five-- Get out, get out, get out!

four, three--

Hello, world.

It's me, Jimmy James.

I'm safe and sound
somewhere here near the Kuwaiti desert.

And it was--
Ooh, boy, it was lookin' bad.

Lookin' bad for me,
but, fortunately,

I was rescued
through the efforts of a wonderful man--

wonderful man by the name
of Abdul Aziz.

Come on out here, Abdul.
Hey.

Hey.

Abdul is a Bedouin.
He found me, he revived me.

Now he's gonna take me
out of the country via camel train.

Isn't that right, Abdul?
So tell me, is there any way I can possibly thank ya?

There's one thing.
A great favor. Yes.

My people have suffered
for many moons because of this man Bill Gates...

and his many
complicated software platforms which should be outlawed.

Oh, well, see,
unfortunately,

I don't have the power
to do that, Abdul. [ Snaps Fingers ]

Shucks.
Yeah.

But maybe our governments
will see fit to be touched...

and-and finally
grant you your wish.

That would be
a most blessed day. Yes.

Also, please abolish the
Microsoft Internet Explorer...

in favor of the new
Jimmy James Web Browser-- Oh.

which can be purchased
at computer retailer stores everywhere.

I see, I see.
Wonderful.

Uh-oh. Looks like we're
losin' our video feed here. So I tell ya what.

Say good-bye
to everyone, Abdul. Good-bye!

And thanks again,
everyone!

Good job.
[ Chuckles ] Thanks. Accent wasn't too much?

No, no, it was just right.
Just right. Schwarzenegger?

Yeah, yeah.
Good.

So did you recover
from your mission? Hmm!

Almost, almost.
I still got a little sand in my shorts.

Mr. James, I'm sorry.
I don't know how to tell you this,

but I'm not gonna be
able to keep quiet about this.

Oh, come on, Lisa.
It's not such a big deal. Yes, it is.

This is not like I was fakin'
the Apollo moon landing or anything.

Now, that-that was
a big deal.

What?
Nothin'. I gotta go.

What? Hey!
Nothin'.

[ Muttering ]

Hey, Bill?
Yeah?

This is just coffee,
right? [ Chuckles ] Right.

You sure? No-No-No spit?
No chaw? No snuff?

Pure jamoke,
partner.

As a matter of fact,
I've given up chewing tobacco altogether.

You have?
Well, that's great. What made you change your mind?

Well, I went home
and thought long and hard...

about what you said
about chewing tobacco and the dangers it poses.

And then I woke up
and had five ulcers on my gums, so I quit.

Yeah, well, good for you.
Good for you.

But what are you gonna do about
your hourly nicotine fix?

Oh, I'm giving the patch
a try again.

Oh. Oh, good.
Good luck with that.

'Cause I gotta tell you,
watching you cram that crap into your mouth...

was really a low point
in our personal relationship.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, nowhere to go
but up, right? Let's hope.

Thanks, Dave.
Good luck.

[ Siren Wailing ]
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