03x04 - Cut the Crap Princess

[bunniefuu]

(NEW AGE MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYS)

(RAY SNIFFS)

(SWALLOWS)

(DOOR RATTLES)

Mate.

I just had the best idea
for a new business.

You know how people
like to make sex tapes?

Right.
f*ck. What's this sh*t?

- Turn that sh*t off.
- (MUSIC STOPS)

We... go into business together,
right,

making home p*rn.

We go round to people's houses

with a camera, lights
and all the gear

and sh**t
sex tapes.

Why would anybody
want to do that?

Mate,
people will love it.

- I wouldn't.
- Yeah, but you're a prude.

Mate,
this... is a great idea.

You sure you don't want to
get in on this?

I came up with a name
for the business.

- (EXHALES) Mm‐hm?
- You ready?

- Mm.
- 'Home‐o Erotic'. Right?

But the 'h*m*' is spelt

H‐O‐M‐E‐O.

Home‐o Erotic.
Get it?

Do you know
what 'h*m*' means?

Yeah.

It means 'gay'.

Like, gay sex.

- Really?
- Mm.

Oh, f*ck. It took me, like,
an hour to come up with that.

(RAY GROANS)

(SIGHS)

GARY: It's gotta be...

...Gary's...

(CLICKS FINGERS)

'Gary's Glitter Productions'.

Hmm?

He was a pedo.

Oh.
Yeah.

Mm‐hm.

Yeah.

Yeah, that wouldn't work.

- Here we are.
- Thanks a lot.

- Have a great day. 'Bye.
- See you.

(LORIKEETS CHIRP)

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Buy a new bag,
you cheap bastard.

- Wow, look at you, eh?
- (LAUGHS)

How you going, mate?
Alright?

What's this?
When are you due?

- Piss off.
- (LAUGHS)

- You good?
- Oh, really good. Look at me.

So, when are you gonna
come back and train?

Eh, I've been training at home.

So, how's Brucey?

He passed, mate,
about a year ago.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Yeah.

Sorry, mate.

Oh,
I heard he wasn't too good.

- Yeah, yeah, so...
- Ah, that's f*cked.

Yeah, what are you gonna do,
mate? You know...

- You holding up alright?
- Not too bad, you know.

COACH: C ome on.
Hands up, hands up.

- This place hasn't changed.
- Just how I like it.

- How's Killy going? Alright?
- He's good. Really good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. So, what about you?

You still cracking heads?

- Every now and then.
- You're not getting any younger.

What else am I gonna do?

Start a gym?

Yeah, but I gotta
make some money.

There's more important things
than money.

- Is there?
- Yeah.

This place hasn't made me rich,
but I love what I do.

I love coming in here every day.

- It's my life.
- Mm.

Do you love what you do,
aside from money?

COACH: Come on!

Not particularly.

You've got to ask yourself,
"Why am I doing it?"

- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
- (LAIDBACK ROCK PLAYS)

(CHANTS) Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

(MAN DRUMS ON PANELLING)

(LORIKEETS CHIRP)

(FRIDGE HUMS)

(APPLE CRUNCHES)

Piu‐piu! Piu‐piu!

Piu!

Piu. (BLOWS)

(p*stol CLICKS)

Thought you were pretty smart,
didn't you?

Well, time to die.

(g*nsh*t BLASTS)

(DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE)

Oh, f*ck.

(CAR APPROACHES)

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, sh*t.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

Couldn't get the passionfruit
yoghurt, alright.

(SNIFFS) So...

(SNIFFS)

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Come inside.

- (EXHALES)
- 'Sup?

You tell me.

What?

It's not mine.

Cut the crap, princess.

It's yours, not mine.

Why are you such a smart‐arse
all of a sudden?

Why do you have a g*n?

Doesn't matter why I got a g*n.

What matters is you shouldn't be
playing with it.

If you didn't have a g*n,

then I wouldn't be playing
with it, now, would I?

(EXHALES)

- So, where's the hole?
- What hole?

The hole you made
when you fired the p*stol.

How do you know I fired it?

Smell the gunpowder.

So, why have you got a g*n?

- Burglars.
- Burglars?

Yeah, you know what
burglars are, don't you?

Can we go sh**ting?

- Nup.
- Why not?

'Cause I said.

Please!

Nup.

(SAFE BEEPS)

(LOCK CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

If you took me sh**ting,

then, you know,
you can teach me and stuff.

Don't go in my room again,
alright?

Huh?
Don't eye‐roll me.

- Cut it out, I said.
- My eyes are closed.

How can I eye‐roll
when my eyes are closed?

I don't know,
but I know you're doing it.

- What a jerk.
- 'Scuse me?

Nothing.

(SIGHS)

How do I know your medicine
is true medicine?

Very easy.

(MAN ON TV SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Get some hunters with me.

When all is ready,
I will rob the base...

(MAN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

Oss‐breeze

here at the ground...

Mm, Superman, right?

He's flying around,
cruising around Metropolis,

looking for bad guys, right?

He's flying around,
flying around.

And all of a sudden,
he looks down.

- He sees Wonder Woman, right.
- Mm, mm.

She's starkers.

Buck naked, all oiled up,

sunbaking on top of
this building.

- Right?
- Mm‐hm. Mm.

Straightaway, instant boner.

Cracks a fat. Super fat, right?

He thinks to himself,
"With my super speed,

"I could fly down there,
root her,

"give her
a quick couple of pumps

"and then be out of there before
she even knows what hit her."

- Huh?
- Mm.

So, he zooms down,
, miles an hour,

gives her a quick couple
of pumps, blows his load

and he's gone in, like,
half a second, right?

Yeah.

Wonder Woman jumps to her feet
and goes,

"What the f*ck was that?!"

The Invisible Man goes,

"I don't know, but my arsehole's
f*cking k*lling me."

(LAUGHS)

- f*cked him up the arse.
- (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

COMMENTATOR: ..beautifully,
right off the meat of the bat.

Superman would be able
to see him, though.

No, he wouldn't. He's invisible.

Yeah, but, like, in real life,

'cause he's got that f*ckin',
um, X‐ray vision.

Yeah, but X‐ray vision
helps you to see through sh*t.

It doesn't help you to see stuff
that's invisible.

What about that heat vision
thing he's got?

He sees infrared
and all that kind of crap.

Oh, mate, it's a joke.
It's a joke.

What does the Starship
'Enterprise' and toilet paper

have in common?

Don't know. What?

They both search Uranus
for Klingons.

- Eh.
- Don't like it?

Eh, it's not bad.

Superman joke's better.

Mm.

Oh, mate...

...I know you just got out,

but I need you
to do me a favour.

Here we go.

I need you to go to my house,
grab something for me.

What?

- You know my stash spot?
- Mm.

I need you to go in there
and grab the black plastic bag.

What's in it?
Your pee‐pee movies?

- No, I've already got those.
- Oh, good.

- Just grab the black bag.
- Alright.

Thanks, mate. I appreciate it.

(LORIKEETS CHIRP)

(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)

'WHERE I STOOD' BY MISSY
HIGGINS PLAYS ON STEREO...

In you come.

MISSY HIGGINS:
♪ And I don't know

♪ If I could stand
another hand upon you

♪ All I know is that... ♪

Hello, Ray.

How you going?

Where are these things you need?

Basement.

After you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You right?

Are you right?

Future's female, is it?

Sure is.

What's in the bag, Ray?
Your pee‐pee movies?

They were Gary's.

(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- How'd you go?

Tat's new boyfriend's
a bit of a c**t.

- Mm. Should have sh*t her.
- Yeah.

So, what's this?

Open it.

What is it?

- A Vajankle.
- A what?

A Vajankle.

- What do you do with it?
- You jerk off with it.

You've had your cock in this?

Yeah. Oi!

Here, here, here, have a look.

See? You put your cock in it.

You put your cock in this part
with the vag*na

and then you play with the foot.

What?

Why would you put your cock
in a foot?

'Cause I've got a foot fetish.

(PHONE RINGS)

- You need help, mate.
- (RINGING CONTINUES)

Don't knock it
till you try it, Ray.

- Hello?
- RAFAEL: Hey, Ray, you free?

Yeah, mate, what's up?

- I've got a job for you.
- OK. What is it?

(UMS AND RATTLES)

This way.

Just down here.

(SNIFFS)

In here.

(LOW, AIRY CHORDS)

Just gonna stand there,
are you?

- What happened?
- Does it f*ckin' matter?

Look, get this bitch
out of here.

My folks are gonna be home
in, like, an hour or so.

She's somebody's daughter,
fuckhead.

Get around that side.

- Lift her up.
- Yep.

(GRUNTS)

Go around.

(GRUNTS)

- Get the door.
- OK.

(DIALS PHONE)

(OUTBOUND PHONE CALL RINGS)

- RAFAEL: How'd you go?
- Yeah, good.

What do you want me
to do with it?

Take it out to Dural.
Bramble Road, lot three.

There's a piggery out the back
of the farmhouse there.

Feed it to the pigs.

OK.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(LOW, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

RADIO HOST: Hey, Samantha C.
How are you tonight?

SAMANTHA: Hello, Steve.
Thanks for taking my call.

RADIO HOST:
My pleasure, darling.

Now, tell us all how you met

your sweetheart, Lachlan C.

SAMANTHA: Well, I was on
the train home one night

and I was carrying
a big stack of stuff...

(PIGS SNORT AND SQUEAL)

SAMANTHA:
..between me and the groper

and kind of protected me,
you know?

And that was Lachlan.

RADIO HOST:
Your knight in shining armour.

SAMANTHA: Yeah, we...

(PIGS SQUEAL)

(PIGS SQUEAL AND SNORT)

(PIGS SQUEAL)

(SOW GRUNTS)

(RADIO CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

RADIO HOST: Samantha, this is
a fantastic romantic story.

I really hope
your fears are unfounded.

(SIGHS)

Stay with us here at Radio
for better music like this ‐

'Stay With Me (Baby)',
Lorraine Ellison.

(PIG GRUNTS NEARBY)

LORRAINE ELLISON:
♪ Where did you go

♪ When things went wrong, baby?

♪ Who did you run to... ♪

(GRUNTS)

♪ And find a shoulder
to lay your head upon?

♪ Baby, wasn't I there?

♪ Didn't I take
good care of you?

♪ No, no, I can't believe
you're leaving me

♪ Stay with me, baby

♪ Please stay with me, baby

♪ Oh, stay with me, baby

♪ I can't go on

♪ Who did you touch

♪ When you
needed

♪ Tenderness?

♪ I gave you so much

♪ And in return

♪ I found happiness... ♪