07x01 - Burnin' Down the House: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Last time, on Wings:

Thanks to this schedule
right here,

our wedding is gonna run
like a well-oiled machine.

Right now,
the cake is en route,

the flowers are
being delivered,

and Brian is at the store
picking up our tuxes.

(screams)

(both screaming)

(both scream again)

You seduced me.

Me? Who was the one who crawled
into my bed "by mistake?"

Can't wait for Casey
to see me in this tux.

Today might just be the day
I make my move.

What's wrong with us?

We're sick!

I cannot believe
that you slept with Casey.

(yelling in Italian)

It's the ring!

No!

Okay, baby...

...you don't want
Antonio Scarpacci, fine.

Here's a little taste of
what you'll be missing.

What possessed you to put
your hand in the toilet?

Your ring fell in.

Oh, hold on, baby,

don't let that sucker go.

I now pronounce you husband

and wife.

Joe, isn't Jamaica beautiful?

Look at this place.

Welcome to Jamaica, mon.

Thanks.

We have reservations... mon.

Mr. And Mrs. Hackett.

That's the first time
I've ever said that, Joe.

You say it.

Mr. And Mrs. Hackett.

We're newlyweds.

(sarcastically):
No.

Your room will be ready
in a minute.

Great. Thanks.

Oh, Joe, there's all kinds
of things to do here, look:

Windsurfing, scuba diving...

Tennis, golf, parasailing.

Wow. What do you
want to do first?

(reggae music playing)

There's no plan

No need to run, run, run

'Cause all the fun
is underneath the sun

And two can have much more fun
than one

In sunland

Me think it all
you hearing what I said

And there's lots of time
for laying 'round in bed

Use your body
and relax your head

It's funland

'Cause everybody knows

You don't need
so much clothes

Take off your hat and shoes

And do anything you choose

If, for all you know,
you've got it made

Here is where you let
your worries fade

A coconut, pineapple
in the shade

In sunland

(echoing):
Yeah, mon...

Na-na-na-na, hey.

I can't believe
we're leaving tomorrow.

Where did this week go?

Well, between the parasailing,
the snorkeling, the tennis...

Yeah, maybe someday
we'll come back here

and actually do
some of those things.

I'm so happy right now.

Yeah, me too.

Life is good.

Life is great.

Life sucks.

Gee, Scarpacci,
you look like hell.

No one's seen you
since the wedding.

Are you okay?

Who cares?

Buddy, I care.

We had a pool going about
what happened to you.

I had 50 bucks on
"Drove cab off pier."

So where you been
all week?

Got arrested.

Apparently it's a crime
to pee off the lighthouse.

Damn, Lowell wins
every pool.

I'm so embarrassed.

How can I ever face
Joe and Helen again?

And Casey?

I've blown any chance
I ever had with her.

No, you didn't.

You never had
a chance with her.

If you two were
Siamese twins,

you couldn't
get her into bed.

MAN:
Excuse me,
when do you think

the next plane
leaves for Boston?

I'm on kind
of a tight schedule.

You're on a tight schedule?

You're on
a tight schedule?

I'm running this place
single-handed.

I'm taking all the flights
because Joe's on his honeymoon.

I'm booking
the reservations

because Fay's on
a seniors cruise.

I'm even doing
all the pre-flight checks

because Lowell's also
on vacation.

(shouting):
But, hell, you want
to take off now?

We'll take off now!

I've only been up
for 28 hours straight.

I was hoping to grab
a cup of coffee

but, hey, we got
autopilot!

Just do me
a little favor.

When you hear this sound...

(imitating alarm blaring)

Wake me!

No, no, no, please,
take your time,

because I can wait.

That's more like it.

And thank you for
flying Sandpiper.

Uh...

hey, Antonio,
thank God you're here.

I thought you
might've...

"smashed cab
into bridge abutment."

Listen, about what happened
with Casey at the wedding,

I'm really sorry.

Ah, I should be apologizing
to you--

trying to drown you
in the champagne waterfall.

That wasn't me,
that was Helen's uncle.

Me, you tried to suffocate
in a salmon mold.

Oh, God.

And just for the record,

what happened
between me and Casey

was just a one-time thing.

It would never happen again.

It was a horrible,
perverted mistake--

like Vietnam or menudo.

Antonio, there you are.

I've been looking
for you.

I was wondering if you could
do me a little favor.

Me?
Yeah.

I've been house-sitting
for Joe and Helen,

and they're coming home from
their honeymoon tomorrow,

and, well, I have to move
back to Brian's.

You don't want to?

(laughing):
Please.

I would rather have
my face shoved

into a champagne waterfall
like my poor Uncle Frank.

12 years of sobriety and--
boom!-- right back to step one.

So... so you were saying
about helping you move?

Yeah, boy,
I would really appreciate it.

And you know, as thanks,

maybe tomorrow
I'll take you to lunch.

Lunch?

You and me?

At the same table?

So, is it a date?

A date?

I am so there.

That's great.

And, you know, I know
exactly where we can go,

because there is this new
little place by the lighthouse.

The lighthouse?

Well, okay.

We just won't order
from the seafood bar.

Okay, Casey... uh...

Casey, I uh...

I think this is the last of it,

and, uh, so I'll just take
your stuff over to Brian's

and, uh... see you tomorrow
for, uh... lunch.

You sure I can't help you,
with anything?

Ah, please, no--
this is man's work.

Okay.

Hey, you know, uh, don't
take this personally, but

you are the ugliest woman
I've ever seen.

Yeah, you know,
that's very amusing.

I'll miss your witty
repartee tomorrow,

when Casey and I are
having, uh... lunch.

Hi.

Hi.

Just, uh... brought some
of Joe's stuff over here,

so it would be here
when he got back.

Whatever.

Brian, this is ridiculous.

We're going to be

brother- and sister-in-law
for the rest of our lives.

We can't make believe
nothing happened.

Sure we can.
It's called denial.

It's a guy thing.

Here, just watch, okay?

Ask me what happened
between us at the wedding.

What happened between us
at the wedding?

What wedding?

I'm sorry, have we met?

You see? (whistles)
You try it.

Look, if you don't want
to talk, that's fine,

but, I mean, as long
as we're going to be

living under the same roof,

we at least have
to make some ground rules.

Oh, that's a good idea--
why don't you start with

not taking off your clothes
and jumping into my bed.

Oh, wait a minute!

Are you actually
under the delusion

I can't keep my hands
off of you?

You can't.

And I've got the scratches
on my back to prove it.

Hey! I'm not the one who can't
keep his horsey in the corral.

Well, let me just put
your mind at ease.

Uh, when you're lying awake
in your bed at night,

me and Old Paint

will be across the hall
catching some Z's.

You happy?
Ecstatic.

Good!

Great!

What is happening here?

I don't know

but make it stop.

Hurry.

Okay, okay, just
calm down-- calm!

We have to... we have to
think of something

that'll... that'll
turn us off.

Yeah, like what?

It's got to be...

it's got to be horrible...

repulsive, like...

like that mung on
your shower curtain.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Hey, yeah, that's...

that's working.

I've got one.
Okay.

The hole in the ozone layer.

Ugh!

What about it?

Well, it's getting bigger.

It's a terrible thing.

Doesn't bother me.

Well, it should.

I mean, don't you realize
it's that kind of apathy

that will affect
future generations

who are going
to have to suffer

because... (panting)
I did a bad one, didn't I?

You certainly did.

Oh, damn.
I know!

(moaning)

I'm so hot!

If you're hot,
baby, I'm on fire.

Smoke?

Maybe after.

Brian! Brian!

Casey! Casey!

Fire!

Don't rush me!

No, you idiot, fire!

CASEY:
Fire!

Fire?

Fire!

Let's get out of here!

Oh, oh, boy.

Oh, oh... oh, boy.

Hello.

What is that?

It's a welcome home gift
for Joe and Helen.

It's a delightful assortment
of soaps and potpourri.

A welcome home gift?

Uh, kitten...

we already gave them
a welcome home gift, remember?

We b*rned their house down!

Just because your house
burns down

doesn't mean you don't
appreciate a thoughtful gesture.

Okay, okay.

I've been giving this thing
a lot of thought,

and I think the thing to do
is just tell Joe and Helen

the truth about what
happened to their house--

it just blowed up.

Look, this is
my sister, okay?

I'm not gonna lie to her.

Oh, fine. Okay.

We'll just tell them
what actually happened:

Your bra landed
on the fireplace screen

and all the padding
went up like kindling.

And who ripped it off
and threw it there?!

So it's my fault?!

Well, it's not mine!

Oh, are we depraved!

Oh...

Brian, what are
we going to do?

There's a supply closet
in the back of the hangar.

Moron! I meant about
Joe and Helen.

Oh...

Hell, we'll just tell 'em
it was an act of God.

It's our word against God's.

Who're they gonna believe?

Trust me: no one ever has
to know how this happened.

Is everything all right in here?

I heard you two were alone--

I figured this place could go up
like a tinderbox.

(wheezing snicker)

(guffawing)

Hey, Scarpacci.

Whoo!

What is the occasion?

Nothing much. Nothing much.

Just having a little, uh...
lunch with Casey.

But, hey, gee, uh,

doesn't she kind of have
a thing with Hackett?

Oh, please, please.

Brian was just
a little speed bump

on the highway to Antonio.

(chortling):
Oh, yeah...

Listen, Scarpacci, she...
oh, forget it-- no.

I cannot say this
to your face.

I can't.
Turn around.

(whispering)

ROY:
Well, well, well.

Hey!
If it isn't the
happy honeymooners.

How was it?

Oh, man!
Oh! Jamaica was beautiful.

The weather was perfect,
the people were friendly...

Never left
the room, huh?

Once.

For ice.

(screams)

(screams)

JOE:
Hey!

Hey, Brian.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

How was
the honeymoon?

Oh, the honeymoon was...

it was the happiest,
most romantic week

of my entire...

Well, that was then,
this is now.

Listen, I really
have to talk to you.

Oh, all right.

Okay, look, I know
what's on your mind.

All that lousy stuff I said
to you at the wedding--

"You suck," all that.

Well, I was just nervous.

I took it out on you.
Forgive me.

Eh, it's all right.

We all make mistakes.
Remember that.

Um, Brian, look,
Helen gave me a t-shirt.

"If you can't
stand the heat,

get out of Jamaica."

(laughing):
Oh, man, is
that hilarious?

I'm laughing.
(chortling)

Joe, I really...

Wait, wait, here,

honey, show them this
other thing we got.

Oh, yeah, look at this--
"The Hacketts."

Isn't it cute?
That's us.

That's gonna go right
on our front door.

They're gonna have
to find it first.

Yeah. Joe, I really have
to see you in the office
for just one second...

You'll have time
to catch up with Joe later.

Right now, I just want go to
my own home and get into my bed.

After all this traveling,
I am b*rned out.

You have no idea.

Joe, Helen,

please!

There's something

I really have
to say to you.

Yes?
Yes?

Welcome home.

Yeah, welcome home.

Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I'll call you later.

Oh, yes, you will.

Where are they, already?

It's the waiting.

It's the waiting
that drives you crazy.

That's... that's
the hard part...

the waiting.

Where are you going?

Well, I was just gonna
put out some chocolates--

make it nice
for when they come.

Ooh... good idea, Casey.

Nothing makes up for rubble
like a box of candy.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Joe, the house just-- pfft--
b*rned down.

Yes, yes, honey.

I know, I know.

Brian, did you...

know that our house
b*rned down?

Yeah, I did... kinda.

What's holdin' up
those chocolates?

Well, why didn't you
tell us?

I wanted to, but you guys
looked so happy

with your cute little t-shirts
and your goofy driftwood sign

that I just didn't
have the heart.

The house just-- pfft--
whoosh!-- just b*rned down.

Yes, honey, honey,
I know, I know.

b*rned...

Wh-What happened?

Was it a gas expl*si*n?
A lightning storm?

Sure...

Oh, my God...

I bet it was the wiring.
Oh!

That fuse panel was so old.

I was gonna replace it

and I put it off,
and I put it off...

Oh, God,
this was my fault!

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't b*at yourself up.

House b*rned down.

I bet it was fire.

JOE:
Yeah...

Yes, honey, we're
pretty sure about that.

Now, just hold on, okay?

It's almost 6:00--
in ten minutes,

the doctor said you could
take another big pill.

Joe! Helen!

You're here!

Chocolate turtle?

Casey, we know
about the fire.

Wait.
You told them without me?

But I thought we agreed...
Casey, shh...!

What are you
shushing me for?

What, did he tell you
this was my fault?

He's trying to pin this
on me, isn't he?

Well, he is the one who
threw my bra in the fireplace.

You know, I told him
that the house was on fire,

but he wouldn't
listen to me!

This is not my fault.

Oh, please don't hurt me.

You did this?

It was an accident.

It was... it was... it was

one of those freaky
"bra in the fireplace" things

you always read about.

CASEY:
You know what?

Why don't we just
get you on upstairs

and put you in
a nice hot bath?

Okay. Mr. Fern can come too.

When these pills wear off,
I'm gonna be so mad at you.

Huh. Wow.

Wow...

This is really amazing.

(laughs)

You and Casey were having sex,
and you set the house on fire.

You b*rned Helen's house
to the ground.

(laughing):
Uh, oops!

(laughing)

Oh, wow! Man!

When I was engaged to Carol
and you ran off with her--

I thought that was
pretty bad, but this...

Small potatoes.

Oh, man, you really
topped yourself this time.

I mean, not only were you
not man enough to admit it

but you were ready to let me
believe it was my fault.

(laughing)

Joe, Joe, I...

I know it looks bad

but I swear to you,
I will do everything in my power

to make it up to you.

Oh, no, no, Brian.

No! Please.
I'll buy you another house.

I'll build you
another house.

Brian, shut up.

This is half Casey's fault.

Brian, shut up!

You know, all our life,

it has been
the same pattern:

You screw up, I get mad,
you apologize, I forgive you,

then I get stuck
cleaning up the mess!

Well, it's not
just me anymore.

I have a wife now.

Someday I hope
to have a family.

This time it was the house.

What's it gonna be
next-- my children?

That's a chance
I can't afford to take.

I... just don't have
it in me anymore.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I want you
out of my life.

Come on...

Come on, come on.

You don't mean that.

We're just gonna...
We'll get past all this.

I'll buy you out of your
share of the house...

and Sandpiper

and you can get on
with your life...

and I can get
on with mine.

Hey, Joey...

Don't. No.

We're done.