07x03 - Death Becomes Him

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me, ma'am,
but there's a line.

You'll have to wait your turn.

I'm Eleanor Kingsbury.

(crashing)

Eleanor Kingsbury

as in the Nantucket
Kingsburys?

Oh, my.

I'd like to charter a plane.

May I speak to whomever
is in charge?

Oh, yes, that would be, uh...

it's on the tip of my tongue.

Um...

they're brothers.

May I see them?

Oh, uh-uh, yes, ma'am.
Right this way, ma'am.

They're right in here--
Oh! Hackett-- that's it!

Joe and Brian Hackett.

I'm sure you'll be very
impressed with them.

Brian... Joe...

this is Eleanor Kingsbury.

BOTH:
Eleanor Kingsbury!

Fay, a little help here.

(grunting)

Uh, Joe, Ms. Kingsbury

is interested in
chartering a plane.

I'll be leaving now,
if it's all right.

Ms. Kingsbury,
it's an honor to meet you.

We grew up on the island,
so we've heard

the Kingsbury name
all our lives.

I'm sure you have.

Hello? Blacking out here.

Excuse me.

I guess you're
probably wondering

why we're hanging
from this thing.

Well, you know
how, sometimes,

you're lying in bed at night

watching an infomercial,
and you say to yourself,

"Hey, Harvey Korman really
seems to be enjoying that."

Mr. Hackett... the charter?

Oh, yes, right,
how can we help you?

My father, Harrison Kingsbury,
passed away last night.

ELEANOR:
I want you to fly
down to Miami,

pick up his body

and bring it back to Nantucket
for the memorial service.

I'll need you
to leave right away.

Oh, um, well, that could be
a little bit of a problem.

We have scheduled flights
and a lot of valued customers

who depend on us.

Fay...

Cancel all flights.

And, uh, if anybody
says anything, call security.

My father's body
is being prepared.

It'll be waiting for you
at Miami Airport.

You'll fly back
tomorrow morning.

Your overnight
accommodations

will be arranged.

Thank you.

On behalf of Sandpiper,

we'd like to express
our deepest sympathy.

Yes, please accept
our condolences.

Thank you.

BOTH:
Miami! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Miami!

Chappel, what are you
trying to do

k*ll me with this chili?

My mouth's on fire.

Oh, Roy, it's the same chili
you had for breakfast.

No, it isn't.

This stuff is lethal.

I haven't had
any other complaints.

Oh, yeah?

Well, here, wait.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, lady.

I want you to try
a snoutful of this.

See if it doesn't set
your nose hairs on fire.

Go on.

Excuse me.

You know,
you look familiar.

Who are you, toots?

I'm Eleanor Kingsbury.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Hey, you guys
know who that was?

Yeah, Eleanor Kingsbury.
Yeah!

So what did she want
the charter for?

Get this--
Harrison Kingsbury is dead.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

Yeah, she hired us to go down
to Miami to pick up the body.

Wow, Harrison
Kingsbury is gone.

I don't believe it.

Kingsbury was
an institution
on this island.

I had my first kiss
on Kingsbury Point.

I lost my virginity
on Kingsbury Point.

I lost my virginity
on Kingsbury's couch.

His niece was my prom date...
a great prom date.

Oh, Antonio,
did you hear the news?

Harrison Kingsbury is dead.

(spits):
That rat bastard.

I hate that man.

I once spent a whole day
driving him

from one appointment
to the next.

He did nothing but abuse me.

Made me feel
like a piece of dirt.

Oh, come on, Antonio

you're a little
oversensitive about this.

No, no, he would say,

"Hey, piece of dirt,
take a left at the light."

Then...

after all that,
I drove him home

and he skipped out on me--
no tip, no fare, no nothing.

So, great,
now the old geezer's dead

and I'll never collect my money.

Excuse me.

I need a cab.

Okay, okay, but it's going
to be cash up front, buddy.

(groans):
Oh, my head.

Relax. Relax, Joe.

You'll be home
in a minute.

Why did I drink so much?

Because you're
a married man,
you're out of town,

and you're a cliche.

Shut up
and just drive, okay, Brian?

(groaning)

Be quiet. Shush, shush.
Keep it down.

You're gonna scare
our passenger.

Hey, Joey...

did you ever see one?

See what?

A dead guy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm not...

Come on.

One little peek-ski.
Come on...

Forget about it, Brian.

I'm not looking
at a dead guy.

I didn't even like looking
at Grandpa when he was napping.

Well, I'm looking.
Take over.

Brian...

I can't even believe

you're not the
least bit curious.

Look, I saw his picture
in the paper.

Long gray hair, gray beard,
yellow teeth.

I really doubt death is going
to pretty him up.

Hey, Joey...

I think you ought
to check this out.

Would you forget it, Brian?

I'm not looking
at Kingsbury's corpse.

Neither am I...

unless he's 4'10"
in a sequined gown

and a really tasteful brooch.

Brian, no,
I'm not going to do it.

I'm serious, Joe.

Hit the auto-pilot.

I really, really think
you ought to see this.

All right, there are
two possibilities here.

Uh-huh.

Either Harrison
Kingsbury was a woman

or we've got the wrong body.

(both screaming)

What are we going to do?
What are we going to do?

All right,
can I just say something?

I don't know
if it'll help...
Yeah. What? What?

This is so your fault.

I told you to
stop saying that.

Hey, it's not my fault.

Hey, I was nowhere
near the body.

I was refueling the plane.

You're the one
who signed for Kingsbury.

Yeah, that's ri...
Yeah, that's right, I did.

And I have the, uh...

got the paperwork
right here

so I can prove this
was not my fault.

You see?

"Acknowledge receipt
for the transfer

of the body of...
Mrs. Pearl Nadelman."

If she's here,
then right now,

Harrison Kingsbury
is surrounded

by a lot of people
eating noodle kugel.

What are we going
to do, Brian?

We are in big trouble.

Oh, gee, you think?

Brian, they got laws against
this-- body snatching.

This is body snatching.

Brian, I can't
go to prison.

I hear they do bad things

to people that wear
shower slippers.

Stop! Stop, stop!

Okay? Relax.

I will call Miami Airport

and I will try to track down
exactly what happened.

We're fine
as long as no one knows.

Oh. You're back.

How was the trip?

Fine.
Miami.

Great city.
Home of the Dolphins.

Well, Eleanor Kingsbury called.

She wanted to know
the moment you returned,

so she could send someone
to pick up her father.

I'll go tell her you're back.

No!
No!

Is something wrong?

Wrong? Of course
nothing's wrong.

Why would anything be wrong?

We picked up the wrong body!
That's what's wrong.

Oh, you're a rock, you are.

Oh, my God!

How could you pick up
the wrong body?!

Long story,
his fault.

Come on, Fay.

The Kingsburys will
understand, right?

They're people, just
like you and me.

No! They're people who squash
people just like you and me.

Don't you remember what happened
to Sconset Air?

What's Sconset Air?

They had the counter
here before us.

They went out
of business.

And do you know why?

Because they misplaced one
of Eleanor Kingsbury's bags.

During the 11 minutes
it took to find it

she had their bank loan
called in,

their line of credit revoked,

and the owners were last seen

making slushies
at the Stop 'n' Shop.

Oh, that was for losing
a piece of luggage.

Hey, imagine what she'll do

when she finds out
we lost her daddy.

(Brian and Joe screaming)

HELEN:
Oh, my gosh.

It's Wilson Kingsbury.

You mean, "banana head"
Kingsbury? Where?

Hey, his head filled out.

Remember when we were kids,
he would not leave me alone?

He was so weird and creepy

with his sweaty hands
and that whiny voice?

(whining):
Helen, how are you?

I mean it,
how are you?

Oh, God, don't
let him see me.

(whining):
Helen...

Helen! How are you?

I mean it,
how are you?

Good. Good to see you.

I guess you heard
my grandfather d*ed.

Yes. I'm very sorry
to hear that.

It's very sad.

Nothing can ease the pain;

not even the fact
that I'm going to inherit

$10.5 million.

Wilson Kingsbury.

Why, I'm Helen's
sister Casey.

Remember me?

No.

Anyway, Helen,
it's been so long.

What you been up to?

Well, let's see...

I got married.

Joe Hackett.

Got married to Joe.

I'm, uh, very married.

Well, not me.

I'm still single.

Single and looking.
(clacks teeth and barks)

(laughing)

Boy, it's hard to believe

somebody didn't
just snap you up.

That's what Mother says.

Oh, I love mama's boys.

I am not a mama's boy!

Okay, okay.

Didn't know that was going
to be such a red flag...

Banana Head.

Anyway, Helen,

this is going to be
a pretty rough day for me

and I was wondering--

would you mind going
to Grandpapa's funeral?

Sure would be nice
to see a friendly face.

Oh, I'm sorry, Wilson,
I won't be able to.

Thanks.
Well...

I know it's a lot to ask

and I know you didn't like me
very much.

That's okay, nobody did.

It's just that I always thought
of you as a friend.

Oh, well.

Bye-bye.

Oh...

Is that a "yes"?

Yes.

Oh, good! Then I'll see you
at 4:00 up at the house.

And thank you.
I mean it-- thank you.

Oh, oh... oh, you can!

Can what? Can what?
Can what?

Oh, man, I owe you.

Owe? Owe? What do we owe?
What do we owe?

We'll pay anything.

Easy, Buttercup.

Everything's under control.

Seems that Kingsbury's
body showed up

at the Nadelman
funeral in Brooklyn.

So I was just talking to
a pilot buddy of mine.

He said he could pick up
Kingsbury, fly him back here

and then bring Pearl back.

Said he can be up here
in, like, two hours.

Oh. Oh, great.
Oh, man. Whew!

You see, I knew
everything would work out.

Oh, and, uh, by the way--

never call me
Buttercup again.

What's going on?

Did they find the body?

(mock whimpering)
Fay, Fay,
wait-wait, you're...

you, you-you-you're
so excitable.

Just relax.

Everything is completely
under control.

Oh.

Well, thank goodness,

becuase Eleanor Kingsbury's
chauffeur is outside.

He wants the casket now.

Now? Now?!

He can't...

He can't have it now.
We don't have it now.

It's not gonna be here
for two hours!

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

Okay. All right.

He wants a casket,
we'll give him a casket.

Well, you can't
give him that casket.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

Because the viewing
is at 4:00.

Viewing? What are
they viewing?

Him. It's an open casket.

Open casket?!
Oh, my God.

Brian, what are we
going to do?

I got no more ideas.
I'm out of ideas.

Well, think,
think, think.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking,
I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

Ah! I got it, I got it.

Okay, I saw this
on the Twilight Zone once.

All we have to do...
is stop time.

That's your idea?
Stop time?

Well, uh... I haven't
heard anything from you.

Okay, you're a moron.
There, you heard it from me.

Oh, I'm the moron?
Who lost the body?

Oh, you're gonna
bring that up...?
Oh, yeah!

Hey! Pull yourselves together.

We've got a job to do here.

Where's the casket?

In there.

Show me.

Now!

JOE:
What are you... what
are you doing, Fay?

You got an idea?

Maybe this body will do.

People look very different
when they pass on.

Kingsbury was a recluse.

No one's seen him in years.

Now let's see
what we've got here.

Pop the hood.

Well, this dame's
not gonna cut it.

This is bad,
this is very bad.

You work all your life
to build a business

and you lose one lousy corpse,

and-- ptth!
it's all down the drain.

You know, from this picture,
it's really hard to tell

what this Kingsbury
guy looks like.

Oh, Brian, would you
put down the paper
and help me think?

Now, I mean, between
the beard and the hair

you can hardly even
see his face.

Who cares?
We need a plan.

I got a plan.

Get in the box, Joe.

What do you mean,
get in the box?

What, are you nuts?

Fay, tell him
he's crazy.

Well, let's see...

with the right foundation
and the right wig and beard...

Get in the box, Joe.

I'm not getting
in the box.

Come on! It's only
for a couple hours.

And by that time,
Kingsbury's body
will be back here.

I'll drive it over;
we'll make the switch.

Nobody has to know.

Get in the box, Joe.

No, I don't want to get in
the box; you get in the box.

Hey, my screw-up,
I get in the box.

Your screw-up, etiquette
dictates you get in the box.

Wait a minute.
What about her?

(imitates buzzer)

Substitution-- Hackett
in for Nadelman.

Get in the box, Joe.
No.

No! There is no way I am getting
in that box.

JOE:
I can't believe
I got in the box.

I want to thank you
for coming again, Helen.

It really means a lot.

That's okay, Wilson.

Oh, God.

There he is.

Oh, look at us.

We're walking right up
to the body, aren't we?

Hello, Grandpapa.

It's me, Wilson.

Wilson? I remember that dweeb.

He used to have the hots
for Helen.

Well, he looks peaceful.

Helen?!

I just can't believe
that he's gone.

There, there.

Oh, it's just so hard.

Wilson, what are you doing?

What's he doing?

Wilson, I told you,
Joe and I are married.

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

What's the big deal
with Joe?

Your hair smells so yummy.

Wilson... Wilson!

You don't have to be
such a tease-- come on.

Cut it out!

Oh!

Ow! Oh!

What did I do?

Helen, you've got
a lot of explaining to do.

(screams)

Helen, don't scream.
It's me, Joe.

(screams)

Miss, are you
all right?

Are you kidding me?

I'm... I'm just in shock.

He's gone.

It's terrible.

Joe, what are you
doing in there?

We lost Kingsbury's body.

Brian's bringing him.

No, what are you doing
in the coffin?

What are you doing
coming here with Wilson?

Oh, don't change the subject.

What? You'll get your turn.
Where's he going?

Madam...

your, um, stepmother
has arrived.

Oh, wonderful.
The grieving widow.

Oh, I came as soon I could get
a connecting flight from Vegas.

Oh, why?

Why did this have to happen
to my husband Harrison?

He was only 92
and in such good health.

He was on
his third heart.

Harry!

Harry!

No, too soon, Harry!

Too soon!

No-o-o!

No, Harry!

All right, honey,
give the man some air.

Huh?

Uh, I mean,
it looks like

that-that you
need some air.

Wipe that smile
off your face.

I'm so sorry
for your loss.

It is a tragedy

and I don't know
how I'm going to go on.

Hey, would you like
to go bar hopping later?

There you are, dear.

Ah, thank you.

Enjoy the funeral.

Hey, Kingsbury.

Remember me, huh?

Antonio Scarpacci?

The cabbie who drove you around
all freaking day?

What did I get for it?

Well, bupkes.

You stiffed me, you stiff.

Hey, nice watch.

In fact,

that ought to just about
cover your tab.

Cut it out, Antonio.

(moans)

Next.

(through clenched teeth):
Joey, it's me.

Brian.

I got Kingsbury out back.

We'll make the switch outside
before they go to the cemetery.

We're all set.

Thurmon,

tell my chauffeur
not to bring my car around.

I'll be riding with father.

Uh-oh.

Brian, if she's riding
in the car,

how are we going
to make the switch?

Can't.

You got to go through
with it.

Brian?

Get me out of here.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay... relax, relax.

I got an idea.

Stay here. Stay here.

Oh, Antonio, hey.

Great. Listen, I need
you to give me a hand

with something
out in the car.

Huh?

You know, for a dead guy,
he's got one helluva grip.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I have
your attention?

Thank you all for coming.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I'd like a moment alone
with my father.

(door slides shut)

Well, Father, this is it.

I'm never going
to see you again,

you horrible little man.

I was loyal to you
for all those years.

I gave up everything for you.

How could you even think
of leaving all of it

to that bimbo,
you horny, old goat?!

Well, at least I've spared you
and the entire family

from embarrassment.

I was the one who sent you
the poisoned cognac.

So long...

Father.

Not so fast!

(screams)

What's going on here?

She k*lled me.

No! You're not my father!

What have you done
with my father?!

Somebody call the police!

Yeah, somebody call the police,

and while you're at it,
and have them check out

Harrison Kingsbury's
bottle of cognac--

the one she poisoned him with.

Oh!

Oh, great.

You couldn't wait
just five more minutes!