07x06 - She's Gotta Have It

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Helen?
Hmm?

Did you finish
that inventory?

We're supposed to meet the
insurance adjuster in an hour.

Yep, I'm done.

Here's what I lost in the fire.

"Everything."

Yup, that about sums her up.

Helen, you've got to be
more specific than "everything."

You might want
to take this

just a little more
seriously, my friend.

Well, Joe, how can I
remember everything I owned?

Well, they say
what you're supposed to do

is take pictures
of all your possessions,

save them with the receipts,

write down the serial numbers,
and store them

in a strongbox able to withstand
1,500 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yeah, right, Joe, like
any sane person would do that.

(metallic tapping)

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, I don't think you do.

"What if something
happens to the box, Joe?"

Well, I will have you know
that I've uploaded

all of that information
onto the internet,

so if the world
blows up tomorrow,

I can prove
that I had a Flowbee.

Now guess what I'm thinking.

Good morning, Antonio.

Would you like
some coffee?

What's the point, Fay?

Well, I know it's
not for everybody,

but it certainly
gives me a buzz.

No, no, no, I meant...

I... I can't go on like this.

I have a dead-end job,
no relationship.

My life is hopeless.

There's only one thing I can do.

Oh, no, don't
do it, Antonio.

There must be
other options.

I wish there were, but...
I have no choice.

I'm going back to Edna.

(gasps):
Oh, no!

Not the big-face girl.

Oh, but how do you know

she's not involved
with someone else?

Fay...

Oh, yeah.

Uh, well, um, are you sure
you want to do this?

Want has nothing to do with it.

She is my fate.

But you know what?

Now that I have accepted
my destiny,

I feel oddly at peace.

Uh... I better go.

It's time to face the face.

Ooh! Brian,
got a minute?

A minute?

Well, that's pushing it,
but I'm game.

What? Uh, no!

No, I didn't mean that.

What are we doing?

Well, right now, nothing.

We just wasted 15 seconds.

There goes cuddling.

No... no, no, no.

What's going on
between us?

Oh...

sex.

I mean, is that all
you would call it?

No, frequent, loveless,
self-destructive sex.

Exactly.

We're completely
out of control.

We are no better
than animals.

We certainly are.

Animals can't operate
video equipment.

All right, what do you
want to do then?

Well, maybe we should see

if we've got more going
for us than just sex.

Oh, geez, you're
going to ruin it now.

What do you think

about maybe possibly
going out sometime?

What, you mean, like
on a, uh... a date?

Well, yeah.

A date? (snorts)

Ah, what the hell?

It's not going to k*ll me.

All right,
we'll grab a burger later.

No, no, you have to take
me out for a nice dinner,

and that means
ordering from a waiter

not talking into
the face of a clown,

much like I'm doing now.

Okay, okay, Casey,
you're right, I'm sorry.

Um... Casey,
if you're free tonight,

would you care
to join me for dinner?

Yes, Brain, I would love to.

Okay, great,
how about 8:00, huh?

Or better yet...

I'll meet you
ten minutes early.

We can tear one off
before dinner.

FAY:
Oh, Joe,

you're here, good-- the man
from the insurance company

is waiting in your office.

Oh, great, thanks, Fay.

All right, Helen, let's
go over our strategy
one more time.

When he asks about
receipts, what do you say?

That I kept detailed records,

but, unfortunately, they were
destroyed in the fire.

Right. If that
doesn't work?

"My kitty ran away,"
and I burst into tears.

Good. Okay, let me see
that lower lip quiver

one more time.

Oh, come on!

Helen, you call that crying?

I am telling you, one tear
is going to be the difference

between original cost
and replacement value.

Trying to squeeze
a little money

out of your
insurance company, huh?

I got a little shortcut
you might be interested in.

Feast your eyes
on these babies.

What are these?

Receipts.

Some people collect stamps,
some do needlepoint.

I counterfeit my own receipts.

This one is for a video camera.

Notice the craftsmanship,

the subtle aging
around the edges.

I do my own distressing.

So what do
you want?

I got Walkmans, I got
Watchmans, I got Discmans,

I got washers,
I got dryers...

You got big screens?
I got big screens.

I got Mitsubishi,
I got Toshiba...

Sony? I need Sony.

Sony I got.

I was just browsing.

Come on, let's get
this thing over with.

All right, now, just
stay cool, follow my lead

and remember,
these guys are ruthless.

They'll stiff you just
as soon as look at you.

Phil!

Surprise!

Hey, Helen, look,
our old friend Phil

is handling our
insurance claim.

Isn't that great?

Great? It's fantastic.

Phil, we are sure
lucky you showed up.

Well, hey, it is always
great to see friends.

Okay, let's get
down to business.

Okay, um...

Here's my inventory list.

Where are your receipts?

Hmm?

Receipts.

Actually Helen
just wrote down

the estimated value
of each item.
Right there.

Okay, let's see
what you got here.

300 bucks for a cameo pin.

Yeah, well,
it's an antique

that's been in my family
for generations.

Got a receipt?

Well, my grandmother
gave it to me

on her deathbed.

No receipt-- 30 bucks.

Moving on.

Um...

Phil, um,
did I mention to you

that, um...
my kitty ran away?

And he was so beautiful,
and I loved him so much,

and he had the cutest
little smushed-in face.

Got a receipt?

Right.

You want what
for a color television?

A hundred bucks.

Oh, come on, Phil.

We watched the Super
Bowl on that TV.

It was a great TV.

Remember you got
so excited,

I had to Heimlich
that cheesepuff

out of your windpipe?

I saved your life.

Too bad you didn't
save your receipts.

(Roy clears throat)

Oh! Look what I found.

A receipt for my
laser disc player.

Oh, really?
Boy, that's great.

And I bet there's plenty more
where that came from.

ROY:
You betchum.

That's odd.

The name of the store
isn't on this.

Where did you buy it?

I got it at, um...
Laser Discs 'N Stuff.

I never heard of that store.
Where is it?

It's, uh, you know, Phil,
down by the hardware store...

Knobs 'N Things.

Ever heard of
insurance fraud 'n stuff?

Look, this is just a preliminary
estimate, but, uh...

based on the minimum
allowance for contents

and our previous appraisal
of your house, there is no way

we're going to be able
to do better than... this.

Hey...

it has been great
seeing you two again.

It really, really,
really has.

I got to run, but, uh,

let's get together again
real soon, okay?

Bye, kids.

Can you believe
that guy?

I should have left
that cheesepuff in his throat.

Now, wait, Joe.

Before we look at
this, let's remember

money is not important.

What's important is that
you and I are together.

Yeah, you're right,
you're right.

I got a little
carried away before.

Whatever it is, we'll
get through it together.

Yeah, of course
we will.

We're rich, we're rich,
we're rich.
We're rich,
we're rich.

Cha-ching, cha-ching,
cha-ching, ching...

Hi.

Hi!

Well, I want to thank you for
a lovely evening last night.

No, I want
to thank you!

(sighs)

Hey, I tried.

Okay? At least I picked out

an elegant French restaurant
for us.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah--
Chez Pay-Up-the-Wazoo.

Well, I'm sorry it wasn't
as classy as your choice--

Toby's House of Weiners!

Hey, you watch what
you say about Toby.

He named a
bratwurst after me.

Let's face it.

This is a total waste of time.

We have absolutely
nothing in common.

Less than nothing.

Yeah, and if we have
nothing in common,

we can't date.

Mmm, there's a tragedy.

And if we can't date,

we certainly cannot sleep
together anymore.

Hey!

That's just crazy talk.

Come on,
there's got to be

something we have in common--
think, think, think.

Okay... um, I know!

Romantic walks
on moonlit beaches.

Forget it.

Last time I was on one,
some guy stole my pants.

Okay, I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it.

Disneyland, huh?

Everybody loves
Disneyland.

Not me.
Oh, come on.

What's not to like
about Disneyland?

I recently had
a recovered memory

about Jiminy Cricket.

Hey, I have
Tinker Bell issues,

but I don't let it ruin
the whole park for me.

Oh, Antonio.

I have a message
for you.

Edna called and said

she had the most
wonderfully romantic
evening last night.

Goodness, what did
you two do?

Uh, we heated up leftovers,

and then she watched
while I paid bills.

Well, I heard of low-maintenance
girlfriends, but wow.

You should see how
her big face lights up

when she sees me.

It's like looking
into the sun.

Well, I'm glad
it's going so well.

Yeah, thank you.

Ah, well...

it's starting
to get dark.

Soon it will be time
to pick up Edna.

Hey, there, Fay.

Isn't it a great day?

It's just one
of those days

when everything feels
right with the world.

Oh, yeah.

I heard you scored
a fat insurance check.

Maybe that's it.

So I know
the feeling.

I got a beaut after
each of my Georges d*ed.

Of course...

nothing could make
up for the loss,

but those zeros sure
take the edge off.

Oh, yes. Yes, they do.

Well, but I mean, we're still
going to try to be smart

with this money.

After all, we have
to rebuild a house.

Well, yeah, and by the
way, where's Helen?

I haven't seen
her all day.

She went to Boston
this morning.

She's going to replace a few
things she lost in the fire.

Oh, yes, she's on that
initial high you get

when you receive
a hefty settlement.

When I got my first one,

I ran right out and
bought a mink coat.

Of course, I had to
hock it a week later

when I found out George
hadn't paid taxes since 1963.

Hot enough for you
down there, George?

What?

When?

How did...

Why?

Helen!

I paid you extra
and I want it here today.

Okay, now, that's better.

Oh, good news, Joe.

The Shetland pony
will be here in an hour.

Shetland pony?

Helen, I thought you were just
gonna get a few necessities.

Oh, I did.

What, a canoe?

A giant gumball machine?

We don't even
play the piano.

You don't have to.
Listen.

(playing "Isn't It Romantic?")

I can't believe you are throwing
away our insurance money

on all this useless stuff.

You know what
your problem is...

is you need to relax.

Sit down in this
massage chair.

Helen, I'm serious.

(voice shaking):
You are being so irresponsible.

I don't know
what's gotten into...

Oh... oh, yeah.

Oh...

There's an optional
foot massage.

Uh, no.

Helen, really, come on.
What is going on?

You're totally
out of control.

Come on, Joe,
live a little, spend a buck.

Spend a buck?

Do you know what
the money is for?

We've got to build a house.

I'm sorry,

but you are just going
to have to return...

almost all
of this stuff.

I ain't returning nothing.

Oh, like hell you're not.

Excuse me, are you telling me
what to do?

Well, in your dreams, baby.

I'm am not going to let you blow
our entire insurance check.

Our check?

My house b*rned down!

It's my money,

and I can do whatever the
hell I want to with it.

And if that means buying
the Statue of Liberty

and using it as a lawn jockey
that's what I'm going to do.

Where are you going?

To Sharper Image.

They're holding
my portable steam room.

Damn.

(playing "Isn't It Romantic?")

Oh, just forget it.

No-- no!

I refuse to believe that
we have nothing in common.

Okay, movies.

Casablanca.

Everybody loves that movie.

Never seen it.

You've never
seen Casablanca?

Black and white, Nazis.

It's a chick movie.

Casablanca was
a great film.

Oh, I love it.

I always cry at the end.

Chocolate.
Vanilla.

Addams Family.
Munsters.

Parcheesi.
Yahtzee.

Coffee.
Tea.

Boy, I love coffee.

Do you know what
I just discovered?

Frapaccinos.

You mean those frozen
coffee drinks?
Oh...

I live for them.

There's a new place on the
island that makes them.

We should go there sometime.

Oh, I'd love to.

I'll call you.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Water!

I mean, how could
you not like water?

Well, it tastes funny
and it makes me bloated.

Oh, that's it,
forget it.

I mean, we have absolutely
nothing in common.

You know what, I am sorry
we ever brought up

this whole dating thing.
Hey, well, I told you.

Didn't I tell you, you were
going to ruin everything?

Now we have nothing.

You're right.
I agree with you.

You happy?

Wait a second.

Did we just agree
on something?

Oh... um, yeah,
I think we did.

Fay, have you seen Helen?

I don't think
she's come in yet.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah,
I just got a stiff neck.

I slept in a canoe last night.

Why in the world would
you sleep in a canoe?

The pony had the couch.

Look, never mind.

Fay, I don't know
who Helen is anymore.

Ever since
she got that money,

she has been going nuts.

She won't listen to me,
and I can't talk to her.

I don't know what to do.

This is just the first crisis
in your marriage

and you just have
to hang in there

and weather
the storm.

She can't get her hands
on the business, can she?

Roy, have you
seen Helen?

Helen? Yeah.

She took my 8:00
to New York.

She said she was going
to Harrington's auction house.

An auction?

Oh, my God.

I've got to stop her.

Hurry up before
she wipes us out.

I begged him to sign
a pre-nup.

$4,000. Going once.

Going twice.

Sold.

And Elton John's silver lame
platform shoes go to number 32.

Yes!

(light applause)

Damn, I wanted those.

Oh, what are you
complaining about?

You got Meatloaf's treadmill.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next
item up is an American classic

from that popular TV program
of the '60s--

hey, hey, it's
the Monkee Mobile.

(crowd oohs)

AUCTIONEER:
The bidding starts

at $7,000.

Seven thousand
dollars.

No, Helen,
no, don't bid on that.

Joe, what are
you doing here?

MAN:
$8,000.

Honey, I think you have
a serious problem.

Yeah, I will if I loose
the Monkee Mobile.

$9,000.

I have $9,000 from
that daydream believer.

Could we at least

just go outside and talk
about this in private.

Later, Joe.

Helen, why would you want
the Monkee Mobile?

Oh, because I lost
the Partridge Family bus.

And besides, I love the Monkees.

I'm just a huge fan of theirs.

$10,000.

HELEN:
And if that jerk would
stop bidding against me

the car
would be mine.

$11,000.

Helen, honey, that jerk
happens to be Peter Tork.

Yeah, who's he?

I have $11,000.

Do I hear 12?

$12,000.

$13,000.

I'm really sorry about my wife.

I don't know what's
gotten into her.

I used to have
a Monkees lunch box.

Big deal.

We got squat
from those things.

$14,000.

$15,000.

Oh, my God.

$16,000.

Look, excuse me.

This car means
a lot to me.

What could it possibly
mean to you?

This car represents

a very special time
in my life.

I've wanted to own it
for a long, long time.

And now, with a few
smart business deals

and a pizza commercial,

I have the extra cash
to buy it.

Please, won't you
let me have it?

Oh, for God's
sake, honey,

let the man have
his Monkee Mobile.

I don't think so.

$20,000.

$24,000.

JOE:
This is
ridiculous.

You don't need
that stupid car.

Sir, please-- I'm trying
to conduct an auction.

Just hold on
one minute.

Joe, give me back the paddle.

No, I'm not going to give
this back to you

until you tell me why
you're buying all this stuff.

Because.

Because why,
Helen, why?

Because... Because...

because I need
some stuff.

Why do you need stuff?

Because...
I don't know.

(voice cracks):
'Cause all my stuff was
destroyed in the fire.

My house and my belongings
and my whole life.

What do you mean
your life?

We have a life.

That's Helen Hackett.

I lost Helen Chappel
in the fire:

My journals and
my photo albums

and the blanket

that my mom
brought me home
from the hospital in.

And that little
charm bracelet

that I was going to give
to our daughter someday.

All that stuff's gone, Joe.

I don't have
any of it left.

AUCTIONEER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
fair warning.

We're at $24,000.

That's the last bid
to Clarksville.

Do I
hear 25?

Honey, if it means
that much to you, then...

$24,000
going once...

going twice.

Sold to number 28.

(light applause)

Are you okay?

Yes.

Honey, I know
you lost a lot,

but you didn't
lose everything.

You still have me.

I know,
I'm so sorry.

It's all right,
it's okay.

Remember?

For richer or for poorer...

and hopefully, we
won't get any poorer.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our next item
up for bid

is Mick Jagger's leather jacket
from the Sticky Fingers tour.

Hey, thanks for letting me
have the Monkee Mobile.

Sure, enjoy it.

I just hope you're
as big a fan as I am.

Okay, Edna, now you've
seen where I work.

I'm just going
to go to the bathroom,

then we'll get out of here.

(shudders):
Oh...

Well, hello, dear.