07x19 - Driving Mr. DeCarlo

[bunniefuu]

I know it's
the off-season here,

but there's got to be
something more interesting

than sitting around
staring at each other.

Can anybody do this?

No, I can't do that, but, um...
I can do this--

(clears throat)

One, two. One, two.

One, two, two, one.
Two, one!

Three, three, three.

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Oh, please,
that's nothing.

Listen to this.

(hand-farting
"Yankee Doodle Dandy")

Wow.

Good for you, Roy.

You can make your hands poot.

Oh, uh, Budd, do you have
any strange talents

like crossing your eyes
or wiggling your ears?

Uh... no.

The airport, please.

My pleasure.

You know, sir...

I could drive you
right to the airport, but,

um, if you're not
in a big hurry

I could give you
my deluxe tour of the island

where I show you the sights,
explain their colorful history

and then end
with a rousing medley

of award-winning show tunes.

So, what's your name?

Antonio Scarpacci.

Paesano, huh?

Si, si. Vengo da un piccolo
villagio vicino a Napoli.

E lui?

Me? I'm from Sicily.

Ah...

So, how's America
treating you, Antonio?

Eh, it's the land
of opportunity...

unless it's winter on Nantucket,
and you're a cab driver.

Then it's an unforgiving,
barren wasteland

of desperation and despair.

So, how's our little island
treating you?

I like it.

It's quiet.

Nobody bothers me.

Listen,
may I speak frankly?

Eh, certainly.

When I came to this country

I was a poor schnook
like you.

No disrespect intended.

None taken.

But I was lucky.
I met someone

who took me under his wing and
showed me the ropes.

You were lucky.

The first guy I met
took me under the pier

and showed me...

Let's talk about you. Uh...

Wh-What business are you in?

Import-export.
Ah!

What do you import-export?

A little of this,
a little of that.

Well, at least it's something
people always need.

Antonio, I
know we've just met,

but I pride myself on being
a good judge of character.

So, before we drive past
the airport yet one more time,

let me ask you
a question.

How would you like
to come to work for me?

Well...

I'd make it
worth your while.

How does 500 sound?

Are you serious?

Do you know how many fares
it would take me

to make $500 a week?

I meant 500 a day.

500 a day?!
(tires screech)

(horn honks)

Well, if that's
your best offer...

Do we have a deal?

Are you kidding?

I-I only have one question.

Who do I have to k*ll?

Oh, my God.

Do you know who
that woman is?

BRIAN:
Oh, no.

It is her.

How the hell
did she find us?

The albino must
have ratted us out.

Of course.

What are you talking about?

We don't know.
We're bored.

It's the off-season.

That's Mrs. Bennett.

Of course, it's Mrs. Bennett.
She's back.

(foreign accent):
She was the one
in Istanbul.

Are you done?

Yes.

But it ain't over,
not by a long sh*t.

So, uh...

who's Mrs. Bennett?

Oh, she was my senior
English teacher, and I

don't want her to see me,
not after what I did to her.

What?
What did you do?

I didn't read Don Quixote

and I got a D-minus
on the final exam.

Well, you are just
pure evil, you are.

No, you don't understand.

She was my idol
in high school.

I'll never forget
the last words
she said to me--

"Helen, I am
so disappointed in you."

I can't go over there
and face her.

Well, I don't know what
you're worried about.

She's not even going
to know it's you.

The last time she saw you, you
were a big, fat tub of goo.

And now you're not.

Yeah, maybe she
doesn't know who I am.

No, not unless you say,
"I'm Helen Chappel."

You're right.

She won't recognize me.

Thanks, honey.

Ow!

That was for that
"tub of goo" cr*ck.

Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Can I help you?

May I have a cup of coffee
to go, please, miss?

Miss?

Yeah, that's me-- miss.

Uh, coming right up.

Hey, Helen,

this letter
was delivered
to Sandpiper

by mistake,
but it's addressed to you.

Okay, great.
Thanks, Budd.

Least I think it's to you.

It's, uh, addressed
to Helen Chappel.

It's your
maiden name, right?

Chappel.

Yeah.

Such an English-sounding name--
Chappel.

(English accent):
"Hello. I'm Helen Chappel.

I'll have a blueberry scone
and a spot of tea."

You're Helen Chappel?

Yeah.

I'm Claire Bennett.

You used to be in
my English lit class, remember?

Now, what's
different about you?

Is that a new shade of lipstick

or did you drop
a hundred pounds?

Well, both.

Listen, Helen, I'm going to be
on the island for a few days.

Why don't we get together
for lunch and catch up?

Lunch? You and me?

Yes.

Is, uh, is Thursday okay?

Thursday's great.

See you then.

And don't disappoint me.

Oh, my goodness,
Antonio, look at you.

That's some set of
threads.

What did that set you back?

Oh, please, Roy, it's
so tacky to talk about money.

It's-It's the
style, the elegance.

That's what you look for
in a $2,500 suit.

Boy, did you
get ripped off.

What?

This baby
only cost me 49 bucks.

Not only that,
I'm saving the planet

'cause it's made
from recycled tires.

Fay, would you mind...?

Antonio?

BRIAN:
Look at you.

Look at you.
Joe, are you
looking at him?

I'm looking at him.

Haven't you ever seen
me in a $2,500 suit?

I've never seen you
in a $2,500 car.

H-How can you afford a...?

I'll tell you
how he can afford it.

You're being kept by old
Mrs. Fimmel, aren't you?

She always did have
her good eye on you.

(chuckles)

It's nothing like that.

I just changed jobs.

My cabby days are over.

No more hauling people around--

you know, "take me here,
take me there."

Well, what
are you doing?

I'm a chauffeur.
Oh.

JOE:
Antonio, I...

I still don't know how
you can afford a $2,500 suit.

Eh, I don't know
what all the fuss is about.

It's only a week's pay.

What? You make $2,500
a week as a chauffeur?

Who are you driving?

It's-It's a businessman.

His name is DeCarlo.

What kind
of business is he in?

Import-export.

What does he
import and export?

Little of this,
little of that.

Uh... Wait a minute.

DeCarlo?

Import-export, little
of this, little of that?

Antonio, are you sure
this is on the up-and-up?

What are you talking about?
Oh, I see. I see.

Just because Mr. DeCarlo's
Italian, pays me in cash

is secretive
about his business...

you assume he's a mobster.

Well, you couldn't
be more wrong.

Brian, a little
personal space, please.

Antonio, uh, are you sure

that, uh... you know
what you're getting into?

(chuckles)

You know what's your problem?
You watch too many movies.

All right, fine.
But just don't be surprised

when he starts making
you call him godfather.

Don't be ridiculous.

He's a regular guy.

I call him what
everyone else does--

Don.

Yes.

He's coming in tonight.

I want you
to take care of him.

I don't want
any excuses.

I said take care of him.

(hangs up)

Uh...

everything okay?

Just a little family matter.

Little family matter.

Uh-huh.

I see.

Okay.

Tell me-- does your family
do much ti...

uh, spend much time together?

You're a curious guy...

just like my last driver.

He was a curious guy, too.

Being a curious guy,
I just have to ask--

whatever happened
to that other curious guy?

Paulie was with me for 15 years.

I loved him like a son.

It broke my heart
when he bought the farm.

Bought the farm?

Uh-huh.

I see.

Okay.

Accident, huh?

No accident.

I arranged it myself.

I didn't want to,
but...

when he decided
not to work for me anymore

I had no choice.

Uh-huh.

I see.

(strained):
Okay.

But that won't happen with us...

will it, Antonio?

Uh-uh.

Morning, Chappel.

Chappel, what are
you doing?

Oh, I'm reading
Don Quixote.

Oh, Don Quixote, huh?

I saw that book.

It was at a dinner theater.

d*ck Van Patten
on a horse, right?

Listen to this, Roy...

"My heart is wax molded
as she pleases

but enduring
as marble to retain."

Do you know
what that means?
Well, do you?

What the hell
does that mean?

I've been reading
600 pages of this.

I still don't know
what's going on.

And Miss Bennett's going to be
at my house in a few hours.

Hold on, I'm going
to help you out here.

This is how it ended
when I saw it.

Van Patten did a big number.

Then he got whacked
in the head with a windmill,

then they served the veal.

Brian?

What is wrong with me?

My boobies won't dance.

Brian, Joe...

BRIAN:
Oh!

Now you, mister,

are looking for trouble
in a suit like that.

Hey, uh, Antonio...

About the other day,
I'm really sorry.

I jumped to all kinds of
conclusions about your boss.

I was way out of line.

DeCarlo's a mob guy.

I was right!
I knew it!

When are you going
to listen to me?

What am I
going to do?

What do you mean,
what are you gonna do?

You're gonna get out
as fast as you can.

Oh, plea...
And do what?

Go back
to being a cabby?

Putting in 60-hour weeks,
working for the man?

Lining his pockets...

Antonio,
you're self-employed.

Well, you know,
not every analogy works.

What am I going to do?

Brian, what do
you think?

You know where I stand.

Look, Antonio,
you know this is wrong.

You've got to get out
as quick as you can.

I can't get out.

When his last driver
tried to get out

Mr. DeCarlo had him k*lled.

Right. May I
say something here?

When is the next time you're
going to see DeCarlo?

Ah, he's coming to
the island tonight.

Okay, great.
When he comes here,
you just tell him

that Joe and I offered
you a better job.

And he won't
k*ll me because...?

Because you've only been
working for him for a week.

And this other guy's been
working for him for 15 years.

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, this other guy
knew everything

about his operation

but you, I mean-- what do
you know? Nothing.

That's right!

I know nothing!

I'm too stupid to k*ll.

I'd be a waste
of a b*llet.

Exactly.

Wait, wait.

What if it
doesn't work?

Promise me you'll have
an open casket.

I got to say good-bye
to that suit!

"...whose credit this tale
of my genuine Don Quixote

"has already shaken
and which will

"without a doubt,
soon tumble to the ground.

"Farewell.

The end."

Not a clue.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hi, Miss Bennett.

I'm so glad
that you could make it.

Please, call me Claire.

Okay.

Ooh, lovely place
you have here.

Oh, thank you... Claire.

Um, please sit down.

We have so much
to talk about.

We certainly do.

So, catch me up.

What have you been doing
since high school?

Oh, well, I started
my own business.

I got married,
and I read Don Quixote.

How wonderful.
Tell me all about it.

Well, he was a Spanish knight

who fought windmills and
lived in a dream world.

No. I meant your husband.

Oh, uh... he's
a local yokel named Joe.

Can I get you some wine?

What a lovely idea.

You know,
speaking of ideas, um...

even though Don Quixote
was written 400 years ago

I believe that the theme

of a man following his dreams
is relevant today.

On the other hand,
I could be wrong.

I know what
you're thinking.

"Claire, how on earth

is red wine going
to come out of silk?"

That was one thing
I was thinking.

Well, you can kiss
those worries good-bye,

thanks to...

Real-Way spot remover.

We'll just spray
a little on.

Give it a minute.

And the stain will magically
be lifted out

by the patented Real-Way
amino action.

Okay.

Well, that's good to know.

So, um...
while we're waiting

on that amino action
to kick in

um... let's talk about
the action in chapter 56

when Don Quixote...

Oh, my God!

That's exactly how I used
to react

to unexpected
household spills,

but then I discovered...

Real-Way rug
and carpet cleaner.

So, uh...

where do you keep
your fine linens?

Hold it
one second.

First of all,
I don't have any fine linens.

And second of all, what?

Did you come here
to sell me cleaning products?

Of course not.

These products sell themselves.

But what about Don
Quixote and windmills?

Windmills, windows, windshields,
this puppy cleans 'em all!

I thought you were a teacher.

I was a teacher...

until a Real-Way representative

knocked on my door one day
and changed my life.

Now I live the Real-Way... way.

Forget it.

Oh...

I cannot believe
I spent four days

slogging through 900 pages
of Don "the snooze" Quixote

'cause I respected you.

I cannot
believe that

I even cared what you thought.

I cannot believe...

that this stain is gone.

Poof! Like magic.

This is amazing.

Maybe I should get a bottle.

Just a bottle?

Oh, Helen.

I'm so disappointed in you.

A case?

Just a case?

A case of everything?

Antonio,
would you sit down?

I can't sit down.
I'm too nervous.

Why am I so nervous?

'Cause you're working
for a mob guy.

Your life's not worth
a plugged nickel.

Hey, Antonio, there you are.

Let's go.

Excuse me,
Mr. DeCarlo.

I'm Joe Hackett.

This is my brother Brian.

We own Sandpiper Air.

Good for you.
Shall we, Antonio?

Uh, no, Mr. DeCarlo,
my friends

uh, want to discuss
something with you.

Yes?

Uh...

Mr. DeCarlo...

you are a businessman.

I am a businessman.

You are a man of honor.

I am a man of honor.

Joe, please.

Uh... Mr. DeCarlo...

we mean you
no disrespect...

because you
are a man

of... respect...

as we are all
men of respect.

And you got
to respect that.

Brian.

Mr. DeCarlo, in business,
there are times

when businessmen should sit down
and do business...

What the hell are you
talking about?

Joe... it's time to stop
saying stupid stuff.

Yes, all right.
All right.

We have offered
Mr. Scarpacci

a position
in our organization.

But Antonio
works for me.

We know that.

Which is why we came
to you,

Don DeCarlo...

on this day...

with all honor...

and respect...

to, uh...

Uh, to... to...

ask for your blessing

in...

releasing...
releasing...

...Mr. Scarpacci
on this day.

So what you're
telling me

is that you're trying
to steal my employee away,

because if that's what
you're telling me

that would make me
very unhappy.

Is that what
you're telling me?

He said it, not me.

All we're saying is that
Antonio should...

Should...
Should what?

Should thank
his lucky stars

on this day,
that he has you for a boss.

So then our business
here is done.

Done. Finished.

Never happened.

DeCARLO:
Come on, Antonio.

No, no.
Wait, wait.

I-I-I can't.

I can't stay with you,
Mr. DeCarlo, because...

I don't want to work
for a gangster.

What?

Okay. It'd be

my honor to work
for a gangster. Let's go!

A gangster?

Is that what you think?

I treated you like a son

and this is how
you repay me?

It's time I showed

you people how I do business.

Oh, my God.

There's got to be...

a million dollars in diamonds
in there!

Yeah, and who else
but a gangster

would carry around
a fortune in diamonds?

A diamond broker.

Oh... yeah! Yeah.

Well, sure,
that could work, too.

W-Wait a second.

Are you saying
you're not in the mob?

Of course not.

B-B-But I heard you
on the phone

saying to someone
t-t-to take care of some guy.

That was the maitre d'.

I was trying to get my
cousin a good table.

What about your last
driver, Paulie,

the one who... the one
who "bought the farm"?

What does that mean?

It means he bought a farm.

He bought
a little dairy farm

in upstate New York.

It was his dream.

God!

Why didn't you just tell me
what you did?

Hey, I'm carrying around
a fortune in diamonds.

I didn't know
if I could trust you.

So now that you know
that you can

we could just put
this ugliness behind us.

Yes, we can.

Ciao, Antonio.

Wait, wait, wait.

I still have three suits
on layaway.

Wow.

Phew, huh?

WOMAN:
Taxi!

The airport, please.

My, that's a beautiful suit.

(voice breaking):
Thank you.

It's all I've got left.