07x22 - The Lady Vanishes

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me.

I hate to bother you,

but is this seat taken?

It's all yours.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa!

Pardon me.

Whoa, that's good coffee.

Well, okay,
if it's that good

I'll have to order some.

So, uh...

wh-what are you reading?

Oh, uh, The Collected
Works of Dylan Thomas.

Ah.

"Do not go gentle
into that good night

"Old age should burn

"and rave at close of day

Rage, rage against the dying
of the light."

I'm impressed.

Don't be. I read it
off the book jacket.

He sounds
like a wonderful writer.

Oh, he is. I have a complete
leather-bound collection

of all of his poems.

My father gave it to me
for my graduation.

Huh. My father gave me a mule.

Well, he must have had a
hell of a time wrapping it.

Not really. You know,
once you do the ears
the rest is clear sailing.

(laughs)

So, when you're not
uh, reciting poetry,

what do you do?

Oh, I'm a cab...
inet minister.

You know, local government,
tariffs, treaties,

peace settlements.

On Nantucket?

Hey, we're a warlike people.

Okay, I'm a cab driver.

I was just trying
to impress you.

You already have.

I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

Hi.

Antonio, can I see you in my
office for a second?

I don't think so.

This can't wait.

Kind of busy right now.

It is an emergency.

Okay.

Okay. Be right back.

This better
be important.

Trust me, it is.

Okay, okay,
what's the emergency?

I need help
moving my file cabinet.

What?!

It's too heavy for me to move
by myself. Now come on.

On the count of three.
Ready? One, two, three.

Okay. Stop.
That's it. Perfect.

We barely moved it.

Yeah, I know,

but it was askew.

Isn't it amazing
how something like

that can throw off
your whole day?

Yes, and you know I only wish
I could stay

and slap you senseless,
but, uh...

there's a goddess
waiting for me in the terminal.

(snaps fingers)

(yells)

There, uh... there...

There was a... there
was a woman here.

Did you see her?

Oh, God.

Oh, she's gone.

She's gone.

Where is she?

Who's gone?

Oh, there was a woman.

She liked me.

She was pretty.

She liked me.

She was smart,

and she talked
about poetry...

did I mention
she liked me?

Antonio, I
don't understand.

If she liked
you so much

what made you
walk away?

(loud clatter)

Thanks for helping me
move those file cabinets.

(sighs)

Last time I lifted
something that heavy

it was a husband
and it was dead.

Oh, Antonio,
any luck?

No. I can't believe it.

I fantasized
about a moment like this

a thousand times--

meeting
a beautiful stranger

you know,
making a connection.

And now it finally happens

and she's gone!

Well, Antonio, I'm not trying
to burst your bubble,

but isn't it possible

that she was just
making small talk?

You know,
being polite?

Hey, I know polite.

Polite is,
"stop ringing my doorbell.

I have a baseball bat
and I'm not afraid to use it."

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, she liked me.

Now I don't even know
her name,

because she's gone!

There must be...

must be some way
to track her down.

I remember
she had

an overnight bag with her

so she must have come in
on a flight.

Well, if it's any
help, she couldn't
have come in on Sandpiper

'cause Brian's
still in Boston.

JOE:
Look, Antonio,
even if you

don't find her it's not the end
of the world.

There are other women.

(laughs)
No. There are no other women.

She's out there on
this island somewhere

and as God is my judge,
I will find her.

Oh, and by the way...

if I don't, you're
giving me Helen.

Roy, quick,
I met this...

this great woman and she
just, she just disappeared.

So I-I need your passenger list
from your last flight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Scarpacci.

F.A.A. Regulations
specifically state that...

All right.

There's 40, 50, five, six...

That's all I've got.

All right,
here's the list

and take back
five bucks.

You need walking
around money.

"Moustache wax, large bottle
of hair oil, support hose"?

Whoops. Sorry,
wrong list.

Hey, Antonio.
Oh, listen, I heard

about your brief
encounter yesterday.

Did you find her?

No. Not yet.

And Roy, your-your passenger
list was a complete bust.

Not even first names,
just initials.

Turns out A. Muchnick
had eight screaming kids

and was every inch a Muchnick.

Here, this one--

M. Rossi's a down-on-his-luck
medical instrument salesman

tried to sell me a rib spreader.

From there

it just got spooky.

HELEN:
Ahh...

Well, at least you tried.

You know, sometimes things
aren't meant to be.

Well, this was meant to be.

Until your husband,
Knucklehead Smith,

yanked me
from my destiny.

Well, anyway,
I refuse to give up.

I put a personal ad
in the paper here.

"To the angel
I shared

"a magic moment
with yesterday

"in the Nantucket
airport--

"I must see you again.

"Please meet me
at our table.

"Do not go gentle

into that good night
without me. Antonio."

Oh, that's sweet.

Oh, please.
That is so lame.

No woman is going
to go for that.

You should've used one of my
sure-fire personals.

Now let me see... ah.

"French count with hot tub

looking to make a
little bouillabaisse."

(groaning)
(groaning)

Thank you.

How about this one?

"Texas oilman likes it crude."

(groaning)
(groaning)

Exactly.

Roy, Roy...

these ads aren't going to help
me find my magic moment.

Hey, with these ads I have found
multiple magic moments.

(groans)
(groans)
(groans)

Precisely.

I kind of feel
sorry for Antonio.

Why? Guy falls in love
at the drop of a hat.

Well, at least
he tries.

You don't even
try anymore.

I don't have to.

I can plot
the entire relationship

just by looking at a woman.

Oh, please.

Okay.

See that blond
talking to Fay?

HELEN: Yeah. What
about her?
All right, let's see

what we got here.

Laptop...

alligator briefcase,
expensive suit...

talking to Fay like she's
addressing a jury.

I'm guessing
a high-powered lawyer.

Funky little third

earring shows me why
she'd be interested

in a long-haired pilot.

We sleep together
immediately,

but the whole thing blows up
in a trendy cappuccino bar

when she makes a big scene
and reveals she's bulimic.

Yeah, right. You can predict
your entire relationship

just by looking
at her.

Uh, Brian, that woman over there
says she's a lawyer

and she has to be in court
in one hour.

If you don't get her to Boston
on time, she said, and I quote

"She'll sue your butt."

Okay, but that doesn't mean
she'll go out with you.

Oh, yeah, she also said
it's a cute butt

and would you like
to join her for a cappuccino

after jury selection?

Precisely.

I didn't miss her, did I?

She-She hasn't come by.

Oh, Antonio, I don't know
what she looks like,

but the ad's
only been in the paper a day.

Yeah, well, I think I'll-I'll
just wait for her at our table,

'cause that's where
my magic moment

is sure to come looking for me.

Well...

don't get your hopes up,
'cause maybe she won't show.

WOMAN:
Antonio?

Not going
to show, huh?

Yow.

Oh, darling,
I thought I'd lost you.

It's me. Yesterday,
the airport.

I'm back, baby!

Must be some mistake.

Ah, no mistake, sweetcakes.
I'm magic moment.

Come on, my family's
dying to meet you.

They're in the car.

But... but...

Come on, people.
I can't do this
by myself.

Antonio, it's late.
We've been over this
a thousand times.

And we'll go over it
a thousand more.

One.

ALL:
"Antonio meets
a beautiful girl."

Two.

"Perhaps his future wife."

Three.

"Joe makes him move

the stupid cabinet."

Four.

"And forever ruins his life."

All right,

people, focus, focus.

Now, from my conversation
with her

we know that she's... Helen.

A C.P.A.
Casey.

With an interest in poetry.
Brian?

Who drinks with
her left hand.

Roy.
And likes to talk
about her father.

Conclusion... Fay.

We have a smart-ass
southpaw bean counter

with a daddy complex.

This is hopeless.

Casey,
how's that sketch of her coming?

Finished.

What the hell is that?

That's a caricature.

Hey, it's the only way
I know how to draw.

Besides, I think it captures
the essence of the woman.

She's on skis.

Well, I put everyone on skis.
I don't know how to draw feet.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You know, it, it, it,
it does kind of look like her.

Great. Now we can go.
No! No! No!

I need more leads.

Oh, no, look,
I've had enough.

Listen, Antonio,
this is your magic moment.

Don't you remember any details,
like her hair?

Brown.

Oh, okay,
what about her dress?

Uh... had flowers on it.

Oh, uh, how
about her shoes?

Ah, come on.

I'm a man.
I mean...

what do I know
about these things?

From what I saw,
it was a tan sling-back pump

with a two-and-a-half inch
Louis XIV heel

and a matte gold buckle.

It's not like I got
a very good look.

Oh, wait a minute.

I know those shoes.

You can only get them
at Bruno Ferelli's in Boston.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What?

She wore them

with a floral print?

That is so tacky.

All right, all right,
so, so, so...

so, we've got a picture
and, and a shoe store.

Joe, tomorrow
we'll fly to Boston
and check it out.

Why do I have to go?
(snaps fingers)

ALL:
"'Cause you forever
ruined his life."

ANTONIO:
Okay. Good
work, people.

Let's call it a night.

Ah, ah, ah, ah,
and remember...

be careful out there.

Hey, Brian, come here.

I've been checking out
that woman.

I think she's
perfect for you.

Uh... never work.
No, come on.

I've been practicing
all the things you taught me.

Just hear me out.

All right.
Make your case.

Okay. She's
an attractive woman

but not in
a high-maintenance way,

so you both have time
to talk about you.

Small laugh lines
around the eyes--

sense of humor.

Casual shoulder bag,
not a briefcase.

So, she's got a job, but she's
not obsessed about it.

In short, she's
Brian Hackett material.

Call the caterer,
book the hall.

Ah...

you look...
but you do not see.

What? What did I miss?

Her jacket.

There's a slight
discoloration

on the left
shoulder.

What does that
tell you?

She's got
a lousy dry cleaners.

No. Look.

She's not wearing
any jewelry at all.

Why?

Because she's... cheap.

She has no taste

and she can't accessorize.

Who does she fear?

A burglar.

Think smaller.

A tiny burglar.

Put it all together.

Discoloration on
the left shoulder,

fear of someone
pulling off jewelry...

Baby...
she's a single mom.

And therefore...

She won't have any time
for your needs,

'cause we know
how selfish you are

so you don't want
to get involved at all.

You have learned much

and yet, there
is much to learn.

How'd it go
in Boston?

We have a name.
Reed. Ariel Reed.

Cute. Any
other leads?

She bought high-
end jogging shoes.

There's only one
place on the island

for a serious
runner to work out.

Pilgrim's Park.
Right.

We're on it.
Let's move.

All right,
we're in luck.

Two jelly doughnuts.

Which one do you want,
red or purple?

(honking horn)

Oh! No! What? What?

Stay awake! Stay awake! She
could have passed right by here.

Now pull out.

Look, um, Antonio,
how much longer

are we going
to keep this up?

We have covered every
square inch of this island.

We've put a poster
on every tree,

every telephone pole
and every store window.

I'm tired.

I had a bad burrito.

You can only push a man so far
before he starts to cr*ck.

Do I have to remind you
that it's because of you

that she's gone?!

Would you calm down?
You're getting
out of control.

I am not out of control.

Attention, citizens.

If you have knowledge
of Ariel Reed

please contact me
immediately.

There is a cash reward.

Look, Antonio, um...

I don't mean
to be negative here, but, uh

you're going
to have to ask yourself

what happens if you don't...?

Ah...!

What happens if you...?

Ah-ah-ah-ah...!

What happens...?

Careful.

What happens
if you don't find her?

There, I said it.
Aah!

You think this is all
just ridiculous, huh?

You don't understand.

What happened to me yesterday
doesn't happen to me.

We made a connection.

It was only five minutes.

And why was it
only five minutes?

I said I was sorry.

MAN:
Pull over!

(siren blaring)

Don't listen
to him, Joe.

What-What are you talking about?
We'll wind up in jail.

MAN (over bullhorn):
I said, pull over!

We heard you,
flatfoot.

Oh, yes, by all means

let's top
this wonderful evening off

with a delightful
body cavity search.

All right, you two...

why don't you
head for home

before I have to take you
down to the station?

We have laws
against soliciting.

Oh, no, no, no, Officer,
it was nothing like that.

We were just offering people
money to find a woman.

All right, out of the car.

No, no, Officer,
please, let me explain here.

You see, my friend met a woman
at the airport the other day

and she left before
he could get her phone number,

and now he is desperate
to find her.

Okay, okay, but I still want you
to leave the area.

If you see the woman
on this flyer, call us, please?

Oh, a skier, huh?

She's got kind of a big face
for her body.

It's a theme in my life.

Thank you, Officer.

Antonio, please...

can we go home now?

We have tried everything.

No, not everything.

We haven't tried this.

Citizens of Nantucket,
we are under alien att*ck.

Okay, now that
I've gotten your attention...

there was a woman.

She liked me.

Okay, Brian...

Check her out.

Twirling a phantom ring
on her finger--

recently divorced.

Donna Karan suit--

took her ex
to the cleaners.

Frown lines around
her eyes-- bitter.

The next guy
that dates her
is going to pay.

This one's
a no-brainer-- pass.

I'm impressed.

You no longer need me.

You...

you can pick up women
on your own.

If you'll excuse me, I'm
going to go ask her out.

Wait.

What are you talking about?
The clothes, the ring.

We agreed--
she's all wrong for you.

Who cares?
She's beautiful.

If I listen to myself,
I'd never get any.

(groans)

Hey, bright eyes.

Look alive.

You know where
I can find

an Antonio Scrap-pa-chi?

That's Scarpacci.

What's this
in reference to?

What are you,
his social secretary?

Just skip the lip
and finger him for me.

Okay, okay.

It's that mug over there
crying into a cup of java.

Thanks.

See you in the
funny papers.

You Scrapachi?

I'm, uh...

I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

You want the lowdown

on the little dish
on skis?

You know where I can find Ariel?

Not so fast.
How do we know this
dame's on the level?

I bunk at
the boarding house

where she's staying,

and when new talent
checks in

this dish notices.

How do we know
she's the real goods

and why am I
talkin' this way?

There ain't nothing wrong
with these blinkers.

It's her, all right.

Okay, okay, then make
with the address.

Not until I see
some scratch.

Oh.

So that's your angle.

You two
stop doing that.

I'll stop if she does.

Just fork over
the reward money.

You heard her, Joe.
Fork over the
reward money.

Keep your shirt on.

Okay, dollface,
here's a sawbuck.

Now, make like a canary
and sing.

She's at 112 Navy Street.

Room five.

Okay, sister. Scram.

I'm gone, I'm gone.

Huh?

So? So? What do you
think now?

She may have
some miles on her,

but she's got a walk I can feel
in my left pocket.

WOMAN:
Who is it?

It's me. Antonio.

Antonio!

Oh, my God,
you remember my name!

How did you find me?

I just took out
an ad in the paper

flew to Boston,
tracked down a shoe store,

staked out a jogging track,

called your name
through a bullhorn

and put your picture up
all over town.

It's no big deal.

What?

My picture's up
all over town?

I just could not rest
until I found you again.

And neither could we.

Oh, my God.

Please don't sh**t.
I swear I'm legal.

Easy, Gretchen.

Gretchen? No, no.
There must be some mistake.

You've got the wrong woman.

Her name is Ariel.

No, it isn't.

It's Gretchen Tyler,

and she's wanted
for embezzling $100,000

from the Boston
Savings & Loan.

Ariel, is this true?

I want a lawyer.

Thanks, buddy.

If it wasn't for you
and your posters,

we never would have
tracked her down.

(sheepish chuckle)

Let's go.

I don't care how long
they send you away for--

I'll wait.

Don't worry.

When I get out,
I'll find you.

What's with
all the heat?

Oh.

I get it.

They're sending your little
skirt up the river, huh?

Tough break.

You know what you need?

A sh*t of bourbon

and a friendly shoulder
to cry on, and I got both.

You all right,
Johnny?

What are you going to do?

Dames.

So, in the same week

that my mother had
the gallstones removed

my father had a double
hernia operation.

And to make matters
really worse

the girl that does
my nails got deported.

So... so what
are you reading?

Oh, I read anything
with Fabio on the cover.

Ah...

Stories of tortured love
and romance

in the antebellum South.

Hey! Are you looking
at the book jacket?

Antonio, can I see you in my
office for a second?

You got it!