07x26 - Grouses, Houses, and Bickering Spouses

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Wings". Aired: April 19, 1990, to May 21, 1997.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.
Post Reply

07x26 - Grouses, Houses, and Bickering Spouses

Post by bunniefuu »

What are you doing
down here? You're 7:20.

7:00 is still in the bathroom.

Why do I have to follow
this stupid schedule anyway?

Because there's four people
and one bathroom.

Without rules, you have chaos.

People showering at whim.

And then where are you,
my friend?

Where are you?

Just where we are now--

in Hell.

Come on, Helen, hurry up.

Give somebody else a chance.

What are you yelling about?
I'm right here.

Well, what are you
doing here?

You're 7:00.

I traded with Casey.

Just call me 7:40.

There's been a change?

Why wasn't I notified?

Wow. You really
just said that, didn't you?

Now I'm just going to have
to adjust the board.

You see?!
Now you've upset him.

Now he has to
adjust the board.

Okay.

So Blue took 7:00.

Which means Orange

goes all the way down here.

First of all,
don't call me Orange.

I've got a name.

It's 7:20.

Hey, you better have
a very good reason

why you are...

14 minutes past
your bathroom allotment.

Oh, you know what my reason is?

I have no reason!

I just stood

up there in that damn shower

and I lathered up
like a free woman.

I will not live
under tyranny anymore.

If you want anarchy,
you live with the consequences.

Joe, we're
civilized adults.

There are no consequences.

We don't need a board to show us
how to share a bathroom.

That's right.
I'll go first.

No, wait, it's my
turn. I've been waiting...

I have to blow dry
my hair.

(all shouting)

JOE:
Yellow.

8:00 to 8:20.

Go.

Thank you.

Hey, Joe, what do you think
of my new outfit?

It's, uh... it's...

What's the word I'm looking for?

Um... shrunken?

Your idiot brother, Orange

ruined it
when he did the laundry.

Just wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Before we start accusing people,
let me check the board

and see if it was
Orange's turn last night.

Oh, my God!

Look what someone did.

Now, what kind of sick mind

would desecrate
an organizational tool?

I bet it was Brian.

That would be my guess.

Anyway, forget about the board.

We wouldn't need it

if we weren't living with Brian
and Casey.

We've got to do something, Joe.

We are doing something;
we're building a house.

We got to do it faster.

Look, it's not my fault

that the foundation
fell into a sinkhole.

You know, maybe we should get
another contractor

and forget about Felix.

What kind of name
is that anyway? Felix.

What are you
talking about?

Felix, the contractor.

The wonderful,
wonderful contractor.

You got to give him
a chance, Helen.

He's working his tail
off for us.

No, he's not.

His tail is
on our porch.

What's Felix doing
on our porch?

What kind of name is
that anyway? Felix.

What is it this time?

You know, quite frankly, it
kind of hurts my feelings

that every time I show up here,
you assume it's bad news.

Sorry, Felix.
He's right, Joe.

What brings you here?

Bad news.
(groans)

I was just down
at the lumberyard

and the pressure-treated wood

we ordered for the framing won't
be in for a few more weeks.

Hey, new outfit?

What are you saying?

You have to stop
work on our house?

I'm afraid so.

Felix, see, our living
situation here is...

well, bad.

It's real bad.

So you've got
to help us get out of here

before somebody goes postal.

You could always
special order the wood.

It will cost.

That's fine. Do it.

I don't care
what it costs.

You don't care what it costs?

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

She recently added a Reuben
sandwich to the menu.

It's practically a
license to print money.

For your information,

that Reuben sandwich
paid for your stinking board.

Oh, that's it-- att*ck
my coding system.

Maybe I should go...
Let me tell
you something.

that coding system is
the only thing

that separates us
from the baboons.

Honey, the only thing separating
us from baboons

is that wall between
our bedroom and Brian's.
Okay, listen.

We have a budget, and
we're sticking to it.

That's final.
That's final?

Yeah. I'm just going to leave...

I can't even talk
to you when you're
like this.

You don't have go,
'cause I'm leaving.

Me, too.

(doors slam)

See ya.

Oh, Antonio,
how are you?

You want to know
how I am?

I'm... rich!

Look what just
came in the mail.

Oh, I know
that envelope.

A little something
from Uncle Sam.

How do you know that?

Well, three
dead husbands

means I get three
Social Security checks.

One day a month,
I giggle so hard

my mailman asks me
if I'm stoned.

I know. I know.

I have here
a tax refund check

for $1,002.

Once again,
I've slipped in

right below
the poverty line.

What are you going
to spend it on, Antonio?

Me.

I think it's about time

I started living
the high life.

I have had my eye on
this Plexiglas toilet seat

you know, with the,
the coins in it.

See, Cochran,
the rich are different.

Yep, from now on

it's "Come on, baby,
let the good times roll."

(cracking )

Ow! Oh, God.
Oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, my God!

I... I think I
cracked my tooth.

Oh.

Well, don't worry,
Antonio.

I'll give you
the name of my dentist.

How am I supposed
to pay for that?

Well, there is
that check.

No. Not fair.

Here I am, below
the poverty line,

I can't even enjoy it.

Helen?

Oh, you're back.

Let me tell
you something.

I...

Well, now, that's
just not fair.

I'm still mad at you.

You won't be for long.

Come with me.
Wh-Where are we...

Just... just come, I
want to show you something.

I think I found the
answer to all our problems.

I hope it's not
another psycho-colored board,

'cause if it is, I'm just gonna
have to leave you.

Okay, can I open
my eyes now, Joe?

Yes.

Take a look at
our new house.

(gasps)

Oh, wow!

Boy, you get tough
with that Felix.

and he really
moves his butt.

No, no, no.

After our fight
I was driving around,

and I saw the "For Sale"
sign out front.

Just look at it, Helen.

This is our dream house.

No, Joe, the house
we're building
with the sinkhole

and the busted water main,
that's our dream house.

(whining):
But I don't want
to live there.

I want to live here.

Well, I want to see a
horse fall on Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman

but it ain't
going to happen,
so let's go.

Wait, Helen.

Just think how long it will
take to build that house.

How long we'll live
with Brian and Casey.

No.
The strain it's putting
on our marriage.

We've poured a foundation,
I mean, we have hired a builder,

we've spent thousands
of dollars.

We have to live there.

(whining):
But I don't want
to live there.

I want to live here.

Honey, when you
talk like that

it just makes me want
to saw my ears off.

Oh, hello.

I didn't hear
you come in.

Can I show you around?

Oh. No, I'm sorry,
that won't be necessary.

(whining):
But I want to see it.

So, how long have
you been married?

A year.

This house would be
so perfect for you.

My husband Paul and I,

we built this when
we were newlyweds.

Have you seen
the sun deck?

Oh. There's a sun deck?

Oh. It extends
the whole length
of the house,

all the way
to the hot tub.

Wow!
Man, I'd love
to see that.

Now, take this
information sheet,

have a look around,

and, oh, please,
if you have questions,

I'll just, I'll be
in the master bedroom.

So what do
you think, Helen?

It's perfect,
isn't it?

Yes, Joe, of course
it's perfect

but we're not free people;
we are spoken for.

We are chained
to a hellhole.

But what if we...?

Be rational, Joe.

I mean, where are we going
to get the money

to buy another house?

Okay. Okay, I guess
you're right.

Come on, let's
get out of here

before we t*rture
ourselves anymore.

Excuse me.

Hi, Audrey, we're back.
Oh.

We're ready to make you
a final offer.

Over my dead body.

What are you doing?
I'm gonna get
our dream house.

We'll give you
10,000 over that.

Mr. Connelly?

I'm sorry. We can't
go any higher.

Well, it looks like you

just bought yourself
a new house.

We got it!

This is going
to be our house!

Oh, my God.

Oh, Joe, do you think
we were too impulsive?

Of course not.

Come on, let's go see
if there's a kitchen.

Oh, Antonio,
how are you feeling?

Did you get
your tooth fixed?

Yes, I did.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Did you use
your whole refund?

No.

It only cost 200 dollars.

Well, then you should
feel good.

You have 800 left.

Oh, to live in Fayland...

where the little elves
and leprechauns

watch over everyone.

What are you babbling about?

As I was leaving
the dentist

I tried to take a shortcut
out of the parking lot,

and I backed over
those spikes...

and blew out all four tires.

When they say
"don't back up"...

really, don't.

Well, any idiot knows that.

Well, I mean, uh...

that wouldn't cost 800 dollars.

You must still have plenty left.

Get the fairy dust
out of your eyes.

The tow truck
never showed up.

I had to drive to the
tire store on my rims.

I skidded out of control.

You remember that statue
of Herman Melville?

Yes.

Well, cherish that memory.

You ain't never going
to see that again.

They're not showing up.

The only nibble we've had
on the hellhole in two weeks

and they're not showing up.

They've got to show up.

We need to sell that sinkhole
for a lot of money

or we can't afford
that beautiful, beautiful house.

(knock at door)
They're here.

Now don't act
don't act desperate, all right?

Be cool.

Act like we've had
a million offers.

Please, don't be ridiculous.

Who in their right mind would be
gullible enough to believe that?

Hi there.

You the Hacketts?

Yes, we are.

Oh, gosh,
excuse the mess.

We've just had
a million offers today.

Oh, I hope
we're not too late.

No, no, no, never too late.

You hear that, May?
It's still on the market.

Oh, thank the good Lord.

Well,

we're the Flukers.

I'm Andy, and
this here's May.

MAY:
We saw your lot

and we just plumb
fell in love with it.

Now, May, don't go showing
them all our cards at once.

Oh, Andy.

He thinks we're some kind
of big negotiators.

Truth is, we don't know
the first thing about it.

I guess we're just
kind of at your mercy
to lead us through.

Well, the first thing
that you need is money.

Did you bring any?

Sure did. Got my
checkbook right here.

But we do have
a question.

Damn!

Um, sure. Ask
anything you want.

Okay, now, about
that big hole...

Oh, yes, there is...
there's a big hole.

And it's there because
you need a big hole.

It's like a foundation

like a big hand holding
up the whole house.

Oh, I see.
That makes good sense.

Well, yes, it does.

And yet, it's
a pretty big decision.

Yes, of course it is.

Look why don't you two
just stand right over here

and talk about it in private?

What are you doing?

Sending for reinforcements.

We saw your property
and we want to buy it.

Is that so?

Yes, we must have it

and we'll pay top
dollar for it too.

Pardon my French.

But what the heck
is going on here?

We're making an offer.

I don't know.

Oh, we can do better than that.

Now, hold on a minute, Mister...

Mister...

Uh... uh...

Shill.

We're the Shills.

Ray and... Flo Shill.

Pleasure to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Shill.

We're the Flukers

and we're not
giving up that easy.

May... we're going
to have to put up

your mama's inheritance

and sell
the truck too.

We can't sell that truck.

It idles funny.

It's not right dumping
our problems on somebody else.

Oh, Joe...

Look here,
we're just looking

for a little piece of dirt

where we can settle
and raise up our family.

We've got twins on the way.

Oh, they've got twins
on the way.

Hey, we got a kid
on the way too.

Uh, we waited.

Uh, I wanted to have
my career first.

Well, are you going
to accept our offer or not?

We got a Lamaze class to go to.

Well, uh...

in all fairness

the Flukers
were here first.

So if they can b*at
your offer,

then I'm afraid I'm going
to have to sell to them.

Okay. Now, this is
all the money

we have in the world.

We had more, but we
were bilked out of it

by some mean people.

Tough break. Just make
the check out to Joe...

No. No. Go. Run.
Get out of here.

But what about
the property?

It's a stinking hole
in the ground.
But you said...

Never mind what I said.
We're the devil.

We're the devil. Run!

Great work, Helen.

You just blew our only chance
of getting that house.

Come on, honey.

All this shouting can't
be good for the baby.

Helen, we can't
wait any longer.

We've got to call Audrey
and tell her

we can't buy the house.

Don't be so
negative, Joe.

We still have
eight minutes.

Someone will come along
and buy our hellhole.

Come on, Helen,
let's face it.

Where are we ever going to
find suckers like that again?

Sorry. All my money's
tied up in my tooth.

So... you can't buy
your dream house?

We had it.
It was right in our hands.

It's just not fair.

Fair?

(sarcastic laughter)

You want fair? Nothing's fair.

To quote my grandfather
Scarpacci's dying words:

"Gaze fondly upon today

for tomorrow is bound
to suck worse."

He said that
on his deathbed?

What bed?

Dying in a bed would be too easy
for a Scarpacci.

It would imply
an ounce of dignity.

He d*ed in a sewer

where he remains
to this very day.

Well, Antonio, I believe

no matter how
bleak things are

there's always hope.

Oh, come on, Helen.

It's 6:00,
we have no offers.

Let's face it,
we're Scarpacci'd.

When I move
into Joe and Helen's old bedroom

I'm painting it
eggshell white.

You might want to run
that color by your landlord

and that would be...

let me see... me!

Oh, no.

You're not my landlord.

I'm just renting
a room in your house.

Oh, all right,
I'm your "roomlord."

But as you and I are
very well acquainted

why stand on ceremony?

Simply call me...

"Lord."

Yeah, well, before you
start healing the lepers

I got a news flash.

We ain't moving.

What?!

No, no! Tell me this is
some kind of sick joke!

(sarcastic laughter)

Like my grandfather always said
"Life stinks."

In fact, that's what it said
on his tombstone

that we threw down
into the sewer after him.

Hi, Joe. Hi, Helen.

What do you want?

Joe, we talked
about this.

That attitude is
very hurtful to me.

He's sorry, Felix.

What he meant was

seeing as you haven't
set foot on the site

in over two weeks

what could possibly
be wrong now?

And the downward spiral
continues.

I want to buy your property.

What?

Well, you know I've always loved
that plot of land.

And I know that with enough time

I can build a perfect little
house for my wife and me.

If you take my offer

I can give you
a check right now.

We sold the hellhole!

We can get
our dream house!

I can have my own room!

I'm the lord!

Aw, shut up.

You know what?

I'm not paying
for this soup.

In fact,
I'm taking a cookie too.

Oh!

Oh, my crown!

I broke
my freakin' crown.

You know, Helen,
I'm starting to get

kind of a nostalgic feeling
about this old place.

It just passed.

Let's blow this dump.

Hey, just think.

In a few minutes, we're going
to walk out this door

and walk into our new house.

Oh, do you think
we made a mistake

by letting Brian and Casey
help us move?

I mean, now they're
going to know where we live.

(both laughing uncontrollably)

I don't know why

but I just cannot
stop smiling.

I'll tell you why.

Joe and Helen are moving out.

Boy... that feels
pretty good to say.

You say it.

"Joe and Helen
are moving out."

You know, it is kind
of intoxicating--

like fine champagne.

It's better than champagne

'cause in the morning
your headache is across town

in its new house.

(both laughing)

(all laughing)

Hey, uh, these are the last
of the boxes

in the kitchen.

We're just going to run them
across to the new house.

Okay. We'll finish up
and meet you over there.

Hey... this is our last
moments living together.

(all sighing)

That's so sad.

Isn't it,
though?

Yeah, miss ya.
Yeah, love you.

Well, bro...
I know.

Yeah. Me too.

(door closes)

What are you doing?

You can't light

a cigar in the house.

It'll stink... oh, it's
not our house anymore.

Fire it up, baby.

You know, Helen, there are
certain times in a man's life

when he needs to celebrate
with a cigar.

You're right.

Give me a puff of that.

I can't believe we're
finally alone in this house.

When was the last
time that happened?

February 16, 7:00,
for 20 minutes...

But, uh...

do you remember what we did
in those 20 minutes?

Sure do.

Well, what do you say?

One more time
for old time's sake?

I can't believe
we're finally alone.

Me, neither.

(softly):
Joe... oh, Joe....

Honey, you know what?
Brian and Casey aren't here.

You don't have to whisper.

(giggling)

(sirens approaching)

Joe! Joe!

Hey, we still
got neighbors.

Smoke, Joe! Smoke!

Trust me. I already

got the pedal
to the metal here.

Fire!
What?

Your house
is on fire!

Follow us!

Helen, our house is on fire.
Follow them!
Post Reply