05x03 - Lucky Burger

[bunniefuu]

Clear and sunny,
with temperatures

dipping into the low 50s
by evening.

This is Max Lewis,
WNYX news time:

9:45.

He's good.

It makes you wonder
why he was fired

from 37 different stations.

Don't ask, don't tell.

So you're saying
he was a gay Marine?

I know why he was fired
so many times.

Really? Why?
Because I hate him.

No one expects you to love him
as much as you loved Bill,

but I had to hire someone.

I'm all for him being hired,
Dave.

I just wasn't aware

that you were gonna give him
the job that's rightfully mine.

What job is that?

On-air news-talker person.

You know, the job in the booth,

whatever that's called.
I don't know.

Why can't you just give him
another job? Like my job.

He could take over my job.

What is your job?

Look, I sit over there at the--
You know, at the desk,

doing, ahem, work-related stuff.

It's very complicated
what I do, okay? Oh, hi, you.

Hey, Max, nice job in there.
Thanks.

Hey, Dave?
Mm-hm.

That guy who hates me
left this note on my desk.

No, Matthew doesn't hate you.
He's just confused.

"Dear newly-hired
on-air talker-person,

See?
you're fried."

I assume he meant fired,
but I wasn't sure.

Well, Matthew doesn't have
the authority to fire anyone.

This is on-air talker-person
Matthew Brock

with a special shout out
to my cats,

Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt. Hi.

WNYX news time--

Uh... D-do--? Do you have--?
Do you have a watch?

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[♪]

[♪]

DAVE:
Now, Lisa, look, we're short-staffed as it is.

I need you on the air,
not off doing what--

Whatever the hell it is
you wanna do. What is it?

An undercover exposé.
Which could win us an award.

Or boost ratings.
Thus giving you a raise.

Me too.
I didn't say that.

Lisa, you've never done
undercover work before.

It's too dangerous.

This place could use
a little bit of danger.

Fine, I'll get Matthew
to replace

the fluorescent
light bulbs again.

Yes, I am aware that it involves
risks, but I am a reporter

and it's part of my job.
Yeah, don't worry.

If need be,
I'll pull her out,

get her to a safe house
for debriefing.

Mr. James, why are you
so gung ho about this?

Because investigative reporting

is the life's blood
of American journalism.

Besides, I lost my golf date
this afternoon,

so I'm kind of bored.

All right. Look, uh...
Okay.

I'll get Max to cover,
but promise to be careful.

Thank you.
All right? All right.

Sir, couldn't you have just gone
to a putting green or something?

Dave, I didn't get a V-8
in my golf cart

for no damn puttin' green.

Dave? I'm afraid I have
some sad news to report.

Really. One of your cats
has a troubling cough?

No.

I mean, I don't think so.

Actually, can I use your phone
real quick? No.

You know what? Never mind.
That's not the sad news.

Uh-huh,
then what is the sad news?

Well, it seems
your precious little Max Lewis

is not the man
that we thought he was.

Oh, really? Then who is he?

Well, that we may
never know, David.

But I had my people
check up on his résumé

and it seems that the stations
he claims to have worked at

have no record of a Max Lewis
ever working there.

Y-y-your people checked up
on this, did they?

Yeah.
Your people?

My-- My cr*ck team
of researchers, Dave.

Yeah.
They're not exactly cheap.

Dude, this is Monopoly money.
Oh.

Joe.

Joe, don't you have better
things to do with your time?

Yeah, but he's paying me.
This is still Monopoly money.

Sorry, sorry, wrong pocket.

Besides,
what the freak said is true.

I checked my sources
and Max Lewis hasn't worked

at any of the radio stations
on his résumé.

Uh-huh, your sources,
I assume that means...

other electricians
working at those stations?

We're everywhere, Dave.

But don't worry,
we like you.

Oh, that's a great comfort, Joe.

So you want me to get Max,
so you can fire him?

No.
Why not?

Well, because I think this is
a ridiculous witch hunt,

motivated by
your own naked ambition.

Well, if you think
there's one iota

of ambition in my nakedness,

then you severely
underestimate me.

Thank you for coming to Lucky
Burger and have a lucky day.

Welcome to Lucky Burger.
May I take your order?

Yeah. Hey, Lisa.
Lorna.

Sir, it's Lorna.
Oh, Lorna.

I thought you were
going undercover at--

Would you like to try one
of our Lucky Meal specials?

It's half price with a purchase
of a large soft drink.

Yes, Lorna.
That would be good, thank you.

One LM special. Meet me
by the ketchup dispenser.

But I actually want
one of the Lucky Meals.

Shh!
Excuse me, sir.

The condiment area
was a little bit dingy.

I thought I'd wipe it down.

That's good thinking, Lorna.
You go right ahead.

Just act natural, sir.
Get yourself some ketchup.

Perfectly natural.

You would not believe
what I've seen.

Yeah?
Open garbage containers,

unwashed cutting boards,
spoiled meat.

Spoiled meat at a Lucky Burger.
What a scoop.

Nobody ever said
journalism was glamorous.

Yeah, I know. But wouldn't it be
a more newsworthy story

if you found spoiled meat
at, like,

a restaurant that John-John
Kennedy might eat at?

In my back pocket,
you will find an envelope

containing two micro-cassettes.

Take them to Dave.

Sir?

Can't touch you there.

Have a Lucky day, sir.
Okey-dokey.

Psst!

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, it's about your résumé.

Max? Max?!

Dave, what did you do to Max?
Nothing.

Max!

Well, well, well.

Looks like we flushed out
another rat, didn't we?

J-just go after him

before he runs into traffic
and hurts himself.

No need. I already got
my best man hot on his tail.

You're supposed to chase him.
Hot pursuit costs extra.

How much?
A dollar.

Do you have a dollar?

I think Max does.
Oh, good.

[♪]

Hey, Joe. Any-- Any luck?

No, I talked
to the guards in the lobby,

they said he hasn't passed,

so he's still in the building.
That is so odd.

No, Dave, it isn't odd,
it is reality.

And you better buckle your seat
belt because reality sucks.

Have you ever been
bitch-slapped?

Well, I think I figured out
what Max Lewis' secret is.

Oh, let me guess. He's an alien?
No.

Time traveler?
No.

CIA operative?
No.

Robot man?

You know, half-man, half--
Half-robot.

I know what a robot man is.

Of course.

You're overlooking the obvious.
Evil magician?

Serial bigamist.

Oh, yes. That-- That is obvious,
now that you mention it.

Dude, 37 different jobs...

Yeah.
means 37 different cities,

37 different wives.

Ooh, la, la. I'd like to get me
some of that action.

I found him, Dave.

Men's room, second stall.

Oh, good. I didn't know
you were looking for him.

I wasn't.

Don't worry about it.
I'll have my best man

break him down Baretta style.

I'm so tired of you.

Baretta-style breakdown's
gonna cost you 15 bucks, bro.

What? Well, what can
you give me for 5?

Starsky interrogation.

What about Hutch?

I'll give you both
for 7.50.

Too rich for my blood.

[♪]

Lisa Miller, 10/18/98, 3:45.

Location:
Lucky Burger locker room.

I'm right now looking
at a case of beef patties

that's been left out
since 9 this morning.

And right now, sits in a pool
of its own bloody water.

[BANG]

Lori?
Lorna. Lorna, sir.

Lorna, right. What are you,
uh, doing back here?

Oh, I saw a mess,
and I thought I'd clean it up.

Aren't you supposed
to be on break?

Yes, uh, that's right.

And you thought
you'd just come back here

and clean up this mess?

Yeah. I know that sounds
a little bit strange, but, uh...

Strange?

Confirms my suspicions.

Really?

That you are
our new assistant manager.

Excuse me?
Yes.

I know, we've been watching you
for quite a while,

and frankly,
we like what we see.

In the short time
you've been here,

you've shown us the kind
of worker you are.

And that is a Grade A worker.

Assistant manager?

Congratulations.
Thank you.

You deserve it.

No.

No what?

No to whatever
you were gonna say.

Okay. But before I leave,
I thought you should see this.

Max left it on his desk.
Ah.

I think it's supposed
to be you, Dave.

Yeah, I see that.

Well, I guess this is the final
straw for Max Lewis now.

Matthew, this is drawn
on the back of your time sheet,

with the same pen that you used
to fill out your time sheet.

And what am I supposed
to be riding there, anyway?

Pegasus, the winged horse
of ancient myth.

Uh-huh. And that is insulting
because...?

A mere mortal riding
a horse of the gods?

Come on, you can't get
more ridiculous than that.

Uh-huh.

Get out of here.

[♪]

DAVE:
Max, it's about your résumé.

I lied on my résumé.
So I gathered.

Under special skills
I listed kickboxing.

I've never kicked anyone
in my life.

Uh...

Uh, M-Max, how do
you explain the fact

that of the 37 stations
you listed on your résumé,

not one of them
has ever heard of Max Lewis?

Oh. Well, of course not.

That's just a name
I made up for you guys.

Uh...come again?

"Max Lewis."

It's just my current
nom de radio.

See, I use a different one
in every city I work in.

Well, why?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Because it's show business,
Dave.

In Cleveland,
I worked at a rock station,

so I used the name
Knute Rockly.

But in Dayton,
it was classical.

Hence, the name
Alastair McCello.

In New Orleans, I was
The Jazzmanian Devil. You see?

Or in Madison, I was Dr. Dan.
In Seattle, I was--

Wait a minute, you were Dr. Dan?
Dr. Dan the Bull-Sesh Man?

Indeed, I was.

I used to listen to your show.

Thought the only people
that listened to that show

were confused adolescents

with serious questions
about their sexuality.

I never called in.

I think we ought to wrap
this up, Lorna.

Dave needs you at the office
and I'm sick of these fries.

Not now. Ryan, could you get
those fries under the lamp?

Dave listened to the tapes.
He said you got more than enough

for a full half-hour
on health code violations.

[CHUCKLES]
Health code violations?

What health code violations?

The ones you came here
to report about.

Yeah, well,
those don't exist anymore.

W-what happened to 'em?
I cleaned them up.

Uh, Margie, we need a mop-up
by Bin 3.

You cleaned them up?!
Shh. Yes, we did.

Me and my team back there.
I can assure you that right now

that kitchen is as clean
as your table,

maybe even cleaner.
Fries, Ryan.

[♪]

MAX:
In Boston, I was Charlie Chowder.

And then in San Antonio,
I was Johnny Tumbleweed.

The High Desert DJ.

Hey, you listened to me
in San Antone?

No, it's just that you mentioned
that one already.

Yup. That one
and many, many, many others.

Thanks, Max. I'm glad
we could clear this up.

But we've cleared up nothing,
Dave.

You're still avoiding
the big question.

What big question?

Who is Max Lewis?

You are Max Lewis.

No, no, no, no.

Max Lewis can't just be me.

Oh, why not?

Because that's not
how radio works, Dave.

What's his persona?
His hook?

What are his likes?
What are his dislikes?

Does he come to life
in the spring?

When did he start
losing his hair?

When did he--? Hey!

Lisa, is it possible
you've forgotten

why you're here
in the first place?

No. It's just that
I'm assistant manager now,

and there are more
responsibilities

that come with that position.

Like, what--?
What am I supposed to--?

What am I supposed to tell Dave?

Just tell Dave
that Lucky Burger's

the third fastest
growing restaurant

on the Eastern seaboard and--

And I'll be back
to work tomorrow.

Or, uh, next week at the latest.

[BEEPING]

Oh, buns are done. Gotta go.

[♪]

You just need to be a guy
who reads the news.

Give me some back story,
all right?

Who are Max Lewis' friends?
What are his hobbies?

Where is he from?
Where do you come from?

I'd rather not say.
Fine.

All right, Max,
tell you what.

As long as you're on the air
reading the news,

I really don't care where you
claim to be from, all right?

Just pick a place.
It doesn't matter to me.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
Clear and sunny, with lows in the 50s.

This is Max Lewis.

WNYX news time:

11:35.

The West Side highway.

She was tres jammed
after a truck--

Oh, how you say?

--jackknifed at 66th street.

More in 30 seconds.

Absolutely not.

[NORMAL VOICE]
You said it didn't matter where Max Lewis was from, right?

So it's cool with you
if he's from Paris.

No. No, it's not cool with me.

Just read the news
like a normal person, all right?

No French accent.

Okay.
All right?

[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
In Washington, the Congress,

she debated
a mucho grande subsidy

for highway construction.

For Pete's sake. Ruth.

I'll let this slide this time,
but these condiments can spoil

within minutes if they're not
refrigerated properly.

Excuse me, miss.
Yes?

Ron Jarek,
New York Health Department.

You weren't planning
to serve these condiments?

No. No, of course not.

We care just as much
about the health

of our customers
as you do.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

W-what are you writing?
What is that?

It's a standard form.

Are you writing this up?

Oh, come on.

I told you I was just about
to put them away.

If you leave the mayonnaise out,
you've gotta pay the fine.

A fine?
That's right.

I need you to show me
the freezer

and the waste disposal area.

Okay. Ron, if we're talking
about a fine, that's fair.

But I don't think either of us
needs to go through the hassle

of all that paperwork? Hm?

Looks like somebody dropped
a bit of lettuce on the floor.

[♪]

Hey, what if Max Lewis
were from--? No.

May I finish?
No.

What if Max Lewis
was from Hawaii? No.

Y-you know how you're talking
right now?

Yes.
That's what I want, all right?

Just be yourself. Nothing more,
nothing less, all right?

I can't just be myself.

Well, you're doing it right now.
No, I'm not.

This is just a character
I came up with

to help me deal with you.

Be yourself or you're fired.

I can't.
Yes, you can.

No, I can't!
You can.

No, I can't. Don't you get it?

No one wants to know
the real me.

Well, why not?
Because I'm--

I'm...weird.

It's okay, Max.

You know, I work very hard
to conceal

my weirdness from the world.

And now you just want me
to unleash it on everyone.

Everyone is a little bit weird.

I collect buttons.

That sounds like a fun hobby.

And rubber bands.

I put peanut butter
on practically everything.

Even steak.

That's an acquired taste.
But it's hardly that weird.

I still have the sweater
that my mother knitted me

when I was a baby.
Well, that's sweet.

And I'm wearing it right now.

Welcome to WNYX.
May I take your order?

That's very funny.
Are you on a break?

Yeah, a permanent break.
She got fired.

Oh, my God.

Fired from Lucky Burger.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, how humiliating.

I'm sorry. What'd you do?

Tell her.

I got arrested.

God. For what?

I tried to bribe
the health inspector.

Louder.

I tried to bribe
the health inspector, all right?

Yes, I got a little bit
carried away, but I swear to God

if I just had five more minutes,
I'd have been home free.

Furthermore,
I have all my windows

covered with aluminum foil.

To keep the light out?
No, to keep them clean.

But it doesn't work.

Max. I'll tell you what, Max.

Come with me, all right?
Come on.

Come on, come on.

Now, Max.

I-I-I think that your fear
stems from the fact

that you feel like
you're too weird

for your co-workers,
right?

Yes.

All right, now,
I want you to look around.

Not over there,
over here, Max.

Max, I want you to look. See?

Here's-- Here we have Lisa.

Who, uh, today very nearly
gave up a career in journalism

for a life
in the fast-food industry.

Over here we have, uh, Beth,

who, uh, who dresses like
a barmaid from Bladerunner.

Mr. James, a billionaire
who has spent the entire day

eating food that he knows
for a fact to be spoiled.

Joe, who's earned
upwards of $11

working as an amateur
surveillance expert.

Albeit, half of that
is Monopoly money.

And, of course, Matthew...

who appears to have taken
the surveillance

into his own hands.

I get it.

Everybody here is weird.

Exactly.

It's like you and your hair.

Yes. Good example, Max.

So I can really just be myself?

Yes.

Indulge in my likes
and dislikes?

Freely express my opinions?

Absolutely.

I can even use my own voice?

Max, I would like
nothing better.

[SIGHS]

[DIFFERENT VOICE]
Dave, I can't thank you enough.

You know, that-- You know--

No-- Ew.

[♪]