05x14 - Hair

[bunniefuu]

have any ideas

for long format stories?
Oh.

That don't involve
cute animals.

Are ducks cute?

Mm-hm.
[GRUNTS]

Oh, I have an idea.
Excellent.

All right. When you have two--
[FOOTSTEPS]

Oh, look, a puppy.

A real dog.
Let me see him.

I'm sorry about Daisy, but I'm
getting my apartment painted.

I don't have anywhere else.
Oh, that's all right.

Are you sure?
Yeah. I mean if, uh--

If she's big enough for Matthew
to try riding her

it would be a different matter.
Thank you.

Matthew,
get off the puppy.

Good morning.
Good morning, Dave.

Could you do me a favor?
Sir, you know I'd k*ll for you.

Well, that's not a favor, son.
That's a contractual obligation.

Yeah. I need to borrow
your office for a meeting.

Uh, well, sure, but why don't
you use your own office?

Well, I would. I would. But my
office is kind of intimidating.

Uh-huh. Oh, you mean
'cause of all the...

The marble
and the hunting trophies,

the wet bar and the, uh,
loaded spear g*n on the desk?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?
I'm meeting one of those

young, uh, Silicon Valley
billionaire whiz kids.

You know how those
computer types can be.

Smart?
No, nerds.

Big-time dorks, okay?
Uh-huh.

I don't wanna scare
the little guy.

No. Well,
mi casa es su casa .

Well, mi es Jimmy.
Thanks.

[BETH LAUGHING]

Beth? Beth,
what are you doing?

[LAUGHING]
Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand.

Lisa?

Yeah?

Ehhh!

For future reference,
I prefer chunky.

[♪]

[♪]

Good puppy.
You are such a good puppy.

Hi. I'm here to see
Jimmy James.

Oh, yeah, sure.
And I'm waiting

for the Allman Brothers
to tour again.

Uh, I'm expected.

I'm Eric Stark from Starkware.

Should we let him in?

[WHISPERS]
Okay.

Mr. James, your computer whiz
nerd billionaire is here.

Oh, good.
Send him in.

Yes, you are.

Hi, I'm, uh, Eric Stark.

Hi, Dave Nelson.
Nice to meet you.

Dave, can I see you
for a moment?

Uh, sir, uh, Eric--
I said get over here.

Excuse me just a moment.

Uh, yes, sir?
Get that guy out of this office.

Sir, that's-- That's Eric.

It's your-- Your computer
billionaire that you--

Hi.

I said get that damn hippie

out of this office now,
get him out!

Out!

I, um...

So, Eric, you're, uh, into
computers, huh, there, Eric?

Out! Out of the office now.
Get out. Out. Out.

You know, maybe today
isn't the best day,

uh, to be having a meeting
with, um-- With Mr....

Um, what do you say, uh,

I-I show you
out of here? Right this way.

He's like that
all the time?

He seems
to be getting worse.

Beth, will you reschedule
Mr. Stark for tomorrow?

Yes, Dave. When I get a minute.
DAVE: Of course.

We are just so busy, aren't we?
Yes, we are.

We don't have time for little
computer babies. No, we don't.

We only have time for donuts.
What are you doing?

We're having a snack.

Wait. No. No, Daisy.
She doesn't eat donuts.

Oh, well,
allow me to demonstrate.

Um, Daisy.

Donut.

No. Beth, no. I mean, she's
not allowed to have donuts.

She's on a very strictly
regimented diet.

High in protein, low in carbs.
She only eats twice a day.

Is that how
your parents fed you?

No. I ate three times
a day.

And I was allowed to have carbs
as a treat on weekends.

My dog growing up ate donuts
all the time,

and it was totally healthy.

Really? How old
did that dog live to be?

The normal age.

Six.

What?
That's like 40 human years.

[♪]

Halt.

Sir?
He's okay.

Okay, what's going on?

I'm on hippie alert, Dave.

What?
How do you stand on peace?

I say give it a chance.

[TSKS]
See, I told you.

Relax, Joe. He's-- He's over 30,
I trust him, kind of.

You have some sort
of a problem with hippies?

You could say that.

But that guy
isn't even a hippie.

He's, like, a-- He's
a multi-billionaire like you.

Yeah, maybe. But he wears
his hair like Cousin Itt.

And I don't wanna see him.
I want no part of that guy.

Joe, is this your doing?

Yes, I hate hippies,
granted.

But, no. Mr. James came up
with this totally on his own.

All right, just tell me
what this is all about.

Well, I had kind of
a traumatic experience

with a bunch of hippies.

Back in the summer of 1968.

A traumatic experience?

Yeah, they b*at the crap
out of me.

Wait. Hippies-- Hippies
are supposed to be non-violent.

Now you know better,
don't you, boy?

Okay, well,
just tell me what happened.

All right. Ahem.
I was, uh, working a summer job.

I was a forest ranger in the
Everglades National Forest.

At one point, uh,

I asked this, you know, group
of flower children--

Nicely, mind you.
--"Would you please

pick up your candy wrapper?"
And?

And they b*at the crap
out of me!

Weren't you listening to me?

Well, it's just like--
Yeah, just like that!

And sure, I mean,
ever since then, I had

nothing to do
with them longhairs.

No way, no how.

I'm gonna go kick
some hippie ass.

All right, Joe, wait, now stay.
Come back. I need you.

Now, sir, was that meeting
worth some money to you?

Yeah. About 50 mil.

You're gonna throw away
$50,000,000

because you don't like
a guy's haircut.

It's an irrational terror,
Dave.

You can't put
a price on irrational terror.

I just-- I can't--
I can't do business with--

With any of those
computer guys.

They're all-- They're a bunch
of damn longhairs.

Bill Gates isn't.

Yeah, but he's got
one of those Beatle haircuts.

I'd say it's more like Moe
from the Three Stooges.

But you're right,
it's terrifying.

So frightening.

And now news you can use.

In Washington, the Consumer
Product Safety Commission

released a new list
of unsafe products today.

Uh, the Commission, a non-profit
public advocacy group

focused its attention--

Uh, focused its attention
on products that it claimed

would be especially dangerous
to the children.

Like car seats or something.

What are you guys
doing to my dog?

It's called natural feeding,
my dear.

There's nothing natural
about feeding her

sausages from your mouth.

Oh, really?
Well, how do you think

her mother
would have done it?

Beth?
With her nipples.

Exactly. Only I don't have
any of those.

You know, somebody had
to watch your dog

while you were off
in the booth.

Yes. So while you're busy,
let us take care of her.

You're not taking care of her.
You spoil her with junk food.

Lisa, I don't mean
to be judgmental.

I really don't. But maybe
if you fed her sometime--

I feed her.

Dogs will eat too much
if you let them.

Max eats too much.
You don't see us

starving him, do you?

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Oops. Your dog made
a little messy.

Ohhh.

Oh, good puppy.

Good puppy. That's beautiful.
What are you doing?

That's how my parents
potty-trained me.

You're right, Dave.
You're right.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm losing money
hand over fist.

'Cause I'm scared, all right?
Yeah.

I'm-- I'm scared of a bunch of--
Of a bunch of--

Tie-dyed cannabis-sucking
freaks?

Bingo. That's right,

but you-- You don't know
'em like I do, Dave.

The hippie is the most dangerous
creature on the Earth.

All they think about is blood.

Sir, I think you're confusing
the hippie with the piranha.

Dave, I'd-- I'd swim the Amazon
10 times before you'd find me

at a-- At a concert given
by a Grateful Dead cover band.

So would I, but that's got
nothing to do with hippies.

Hi, guys.
Hey, Matthew.

Mr. James, may I present to you
the answer to all your problems?

And what would that be?
Hypnotism.

Joe, you don't know anything
about hypnotism.

Oh, yeah?
Check it out.

Chicken.
[CLUCKING]

Human.
What up?

That's very impressive.
Thanks.

Joe, you didn't hypnotize him.
You just told him to do that.

Dave, with Matthew, telling him
to do something is hypnotism.

What?
Chicken.

[CLUCKS]

Human.
What up?

Okay. Ahem.
What are you proposing?

Well, sir, obviously,
your imagination

has turned this whole
hippie att*ck

into something much bigger
than it actually was.

I propose to hypnotically
regress you

back to the summer
of 1968

to show you what harmless
pansies hippies really are.

That's an idea.

No, it's insane.

Wait, I thought hippies
were cool. JIMMY: No!

They're evil thugs with an utter
disregard for human life.

Wow, live and learn.

Matthew?
Yeah?

Chicken.
[CLUCKING]

[♪]

Here, Frankie.
Come on, boy.

Frankie, attaboy.
What are you guys doing?

What are you guys doing?
We're trying to call your dog.

Well, that's easy. Daisy.
Come here, Daisy.

Come here. Good girl.
[SIGHS]

Such a good puppy. What?
Shhh.

That's the habit
we're trying to break her of.

What habit?

That her name
is Daisy.

Her name is Daisy.

No. It's not anymore.
Now her name is Frankie.

Frankie?
My idea.

No, you can't change my dog's
name. I thought a lot about it.

I named her after Daisy Buchanan
in The Great Gatsby .

Oh, look.
Daisy's a beautiful name.

But it's hardly
what you would call manly.

Well, Daisy is a girl.

Lisa, all dogs are boys.
All cats are girls.

Is that right, Max?
Exactly.

Well, I'm sorry to have
to tell you this.

But Daisy is obviously,
and I mean obviously, a girl.

Oh, we're not
disputing that.

It's not a question of sex,
but of gender.

Sex and gender
are the same thing.

Ah, not so. I would much rather
have sex than gender.

Well, since you have neither,
that must be very sad for you.

Your mind is going blank.

Every muscle in your body
is totally relaxed.

Okay, how do you feel?

Very relaxed.

Yeah. Me too.
Shut up, dude.

I'm gonna count to 3.
You're gonna open your eyes.

You're gonna be back
in the summer of 1968.

Understand?
Yes.

You'll still be in this office.
So you'll be perfectly safe.

But it'll be the summer of 1968.

The summer of 1968.

Okay. One, two, three.

Mr. James, are you okay?

Joey. It worked, Joe.

Joe! Are you there?

JOE:
Right here, Mr. James. You just can't see me.

Okay.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Whoa.

Whoa! God, Joe!

I'm-- I'm in my old
ranger uniform.

This is so weird.

You're telling me.

Matthew, what are you
doing here?

I don't know.
Joe counted to three

and the next thing I knew,
I was--

Dude, you were like a baby
in 1968.

Yeah, well, I'm here now,
Mr. Hypnotist.

You look great.
Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Don't worry, Mr. James. I'll
snap him out of there for you.

What?
No, no, no. Don't!

Oh! Ahh!

Don't do it, Joe.

I-I can't believe I'm saying it,
but I need him here.

I need him here
to watch my back. Oh, my God.

[♪]

Okay, now I want you
to step slowly through this door

and out into the bullpen.

Joe. This place is crawling
with hippies.

Don't worry, Mr. James.
Ah!

They're just harmless
hippie people,

they're not gonna
hurt you.

Now tell me
what you see.

[WHIMPERING]

JIMMY:
Longhaired hippie people, Joe.

Scary hippie monster men.

And a handful

of miniskirt-wearing
hippie chicks.

Hey, baby.
Where's the love end, huh?

Matthew, I will snap you
out of there so fast.

No, no. Please.
Don't, don't, don't.

I'll-- I'll-- I'll be good.
I promise.

I hear these '60s girls
are kinda slutty.

All right now, Mr. James,
before I have you

relive your att*ck,

I think you should walk around
and soak it all in.

All right. Ahem.

[WHIMPERS]

Wow, I--
I can't believe it.

It's like-- It's like I'm really
back in the '60s, Joe.

Totally.

Oh, my God. Look.

Through the doorway.
That's Vietnam.

[EXPLOSIONS]

[EXOTIC BIRD CALLING]

Joe.

Matthew's making me see Vietnam
in the foyer.

What? Dude, Vietnam
is not in the foyer.

I just call 'em
like I sees 'em.

Mr. James, listen to me.

That is not Vietnam
in the foyer.

Well, what is it then?

Uh, it's some kind of
a magical candy land.

With mountains
made of gumdrops.

[♪]

Thanks, Joe.
No problem.

Well, I don't see what Mr. James
is so scared about.

These people seem so--
Oh, my-- I know you.

Joe, Matthew's kinda
ruining it for me.

I'm on it.
Sorry, Matthew. Party's over.

No, no, no, no, don't.
I-- I-- I like hippies.

I order you to snap out of it.
[FINGERS SNAP]

Thanks again, Joe.
No problem.

Okay. Can I, uh...?

Can I go to Candy Land now?

I guess you've earned a break.
Thank you.

[♪]

Wait. You're letting her chew
on a shoe?

Yeah. So what?

It's a really bad habit.
Now she's gonna start

chewing on my shoes
when she gets home.

Well, actually, you know what?
This is one of your shoes. Yeah.

I'm sure
this wouldn't fit me.

Hey, Beth, I am so--
Oooh, go-go girls.

It's all right.
Pay no attention to him.

Look, listen, listen.
I'm really sorry

to have
to tell you this,

but I am afraid

you can no longer play
with my puppy.

Do you realize
how low that is?

I'm sorry. Look,
I'm very sorry.

But when I brought her,
she was sweet.

Now you've turned her into--

I turned her into what?
You've turned her into Max.

[GASPS]

Take that back!

H-how you doing, sir?

Huh? Well, I'm-- I'm
pretty good. Pretty good,

considering I'm surrounded
by a bunch of damn hippies.

But don't worry, Dave.
I mean,

When they come after me,
I'll be ready.

[IMITATES SCRAPING]

I let him think
he has a machete.

Joe, look. This is--
This is dangerous.

You should snap him out of it.
Relax, dude.

It's a pretend machete.

Joe, please.
All right, fine.

Mr. James, I order you
to come back now.

Whoa. Heh-heh!

That was weird.

Okay. So you're back
with us now?

Huh? Oh, hey, Dave.

Yeah. I'm-- I'm back.

All the way? All the way back?
Uh-huh.

Hippies!
Joe! Joe!

I'm just kidding you.
I'm kidding you. Ha-ha-ha!

All right. Well, that was
pretty good for a first run.

What I think we have to do
next time--

No, no, no. No next time.
What do you mean, no next time?

I'm not comfortable
with you monkeying

with his brain
like this.

He like it when I
monkey with his brain.

Well, I do.
But you know what?

I think Dave's actually right
here. You know what?

I get nightmares watching
Cheech and Chong movies.

I'm sorry, son. I--
I just can't go back there.

Way to go, Dave.
Mm-hm. Well?

Hey, I think the go-go dancers
are warming up.

Daisy's gone.
She ran off?

I'm sure she's still
on the floor.

No, Dave,
Beth stole her.

What?
Max, get in here.

Would it help if I said
I'm really sorry? No.

Well, what happened?
Max held me back

while Beth stole
my dog.

I said I was sorry.

I want my puppy back.

Hello? I am apologizing.

I don't have all day.
Forgive me.

Max, please.

Just go find Beth
and bring the puppy back.

LISA: Thank you.
Oh, all right.

You don't have to yell.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Do you think
I'm too strict with Daisy?

No. Uh, y-you seem very loving
with that dog.

Well, I don't feed her donuts
like Beth does.

That's just because Beth enjoys

cleaning up puppy vomit
more than you do.

Good news, Dave.
Nixon b*at Humphrey?

No.

Mr. James agreed to let me
put him under one more time.

Joe, Mr. James is a human being,
not your plaything.

Well, let's just keep that
our little secret.

Come on. He says he needs
your moral support.

What is he talking about?

Joe is trying to hypnotize
Mr. James

to cure him of his irrational
fear of hippies.

I thought that's what pot
was for.

I told you, dude, you're not
going with him.

I know.
Then go stand over there.

Fine.

All right, Mr. James,
are you relaxed?

Yeah. I am.
But I-I- need 'em here.

Are they here?
Yes, Right here.

Okay.
Okay, sir.

I want you to open your eyes.
And when you do

you're gonna be back where you
were when you were att*cked.

Ready? Now.

[INHALES]

Jimmy's scared.

I know you are, sir. But I want
you to tell me what you see.

I see hippies, Joe.
Three big, mean hippies.

[AS JOE]
What are they doin'?

Can't tell.

[AS DAVE] Sir, please come back.
[JIMMY WHIMPERING]

Come on, man.
Give him a chance.

Think, Mr. James,
what do you really see?

[AS LISA]
Mr. James? Can you talk?

Are you okay,
Mr. James?

Well, yeah. He--
He looks fine, but those--

Those hippies
sound like you guys.

Oh, man.

Have you gotten back there
again?

I'm sorry. I was listening
to the sound of your voice

and I just got
a little sleepy.

JOE:
All right, Matthew,

can you tell me what they're
wearing?

Well, they're wearing,
uh, chain mail.

And-- And-- And--
And Dave's broadsword has a--

Uh, a red handle.

Matthew, you're describing
Dungeons & Dragons characters.

You see it too, Dave?

Matthew?
Yeah.

Chicken.
[CLUCKING]

All right, sir.
I want you to concentrate.

Concentrate on me.

Concentrate.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm concentrating.
I am. I'm-- Joe.

Yes, Mr. James?

They-- They're coming
towards me. Make 'em stop it.

Mr. James,
you're shaking.

[WHIMPERING]
Matthew.

[CLUCKING]

I'm-- Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Ahhh!

I remember now.

These aren't hippies.
They're...

They're Hell's Angels.

Get him outta there,
Joe.

Oh, man. Oh, man.
Am I glad to see you guys.

That must have been
terrifying.

Oh, hell, yes.

I'm-- Matthew, get off me.
[CLUCKS]

I must've been, uh,
traumatized by the att*ck

that I just totally blanked
on the fact

that they were bikers,
not hippies.

Are you saying Joe
cured you?

Well, hell, yeah, yeah.
Now I'm-- I'm back in business.

You know, bring on the damn
hippies. I'll chew 'em up.

May I be the first to say
that I am the greatest?

And may
I be the second?

Come on, my man.
Let me buy you a drink.

Dave?
Uh-huh?

Um, how about, uh...?

[CLUCKING]

You know,
he's happier that way.

Think so?

I'm happier to have him
that way at any rate.

Beth. Daisy. Hello, puppy.
BETH: Lisa.

My little puppy.
Lisa?

I'm so sorry.
It's okay.

I just wanted to show Daisy
a good time.

It's okay. It's okay.
I guess I just got carried away.

The important thing is I have
my dog now. So can I see her?

The second thing
I wanna tell you

is your dog is sick.

What? What did you
do to her?

Anything that I did
was out of pure love.

I just need you
to know that.

It wasn't so much me
as the hot dog vendor.

You fed her hot dogs
from a street vendor?

She liked them so much.
She was having a good time.

Weren't you, honey?
Excuse us.

But you know hot dog vendors.
They're the greatest

salesmen in the world.

[SIGHS]

Well, there you are.
I got sick looking for you.

What are you
talking about?

I was out looking for you.

And you know hot dog vendors.

They're like the greatest
salesmen in the world.

[♪]

[♪]