05x17 - Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Wait a minute.

My wedding is tomorrow.

And you're telling me you can't
fulfill your obligations?

Yeah. Well, we had
an oral agreement.

And to me, that's a contract.

Oh, okay. That's fine.

That's fine. If that's your
game, I'll find somebody else.

Oh, yeah?
Same to you, buddy.

Caterers?

Parents.

My parents are boycotting
the wedding 'cause they think

it's some big mistake
or something.

That is so wrong.

I know.
I mean,

it's when you're making

a big mistake that you need
your parents the most.

Marrying Johnny
is not a mistake.

You know, I'm behind you
in whatever you do

but let's just walk
this one through, okay?

Unemployed, wino.
History of evil.

Let's just say
the guy's a fixer-upper.

Hey. How's my beautiful
reporter bride-to-be?

I'm blushing I guess, sir.
Well, that's as it should be.

Guess what?

Just came from the house

and the grounds crew's
spiffing the place all up.

They're getting it ready.

You are gonna have the most
beautiful wedding ever.

Thank you for letting us
use the greenhouse.

Well, you know.
Ahem.

That place was made
for a wedding.

I thought it was made
for all your plants.

Those are for medicinal
use only.

And besides, Beth

Lisa here is just
breaking it in.

I want you to have
your wedding there too.

Really?
Yeah.

If I wake up and discover

that I'm already married,

could I use it for the
reception?

I would be hurt if you did not.

Hm, Mr. James I know you've done
so much for us already

but I have one more favor.
Uh-huh.

Hm. Well, due to a change
of circumstances

my parents are unable
to attend the wedding.

So I was wondering
if you wouldn't mind, uh,

giving me away?

Beth, hold all my calls
for about a half-hour please?

Ahem.
Sure.

What did I do?

Oh, just wait for a while.

[JIMMY WAILS]

[CRIES]

[♪]

[♪]

Hey, Johnny.

Is that your little hobo dog?

No. This is Lisa's dog, Daisy.

I'm getting acquainted
with the little gal.

Oh, right. 'Cause hobo dogs
usually have an eye patch

and a red bandana.

That's right.
Yeah.

Hey, would you mind
holding her for me?

I wanna, uh, go surprise
my old lady.

Well, you certainly have
a fuzzy little face,

just like a little muffin, huh?

Hey. No. Don't, uh,
kiss the dog.

I-- I wasn't.

Well, just don't.

Okay. Okay.

Just like a little muffin.

Lisa, I need to talk to you.
No, you don't.

Yes, I do.
No, you don't.

Lisa, please--
Excuse me, Dave.

But I have a little business
with this goddess.

Welcome worshipper and surrender
the sacrificial kiss.

All right, Lisa,
I need to talk to you.

LISA [MUMBLING]:
No, you don't.

Actually, babe,

I got something
I'd like to ask Dave.

Uh-huh.
Would you be my best man?

What?

Marriage.
It's a new territory to me.

I want you to ride in shotgun.

Well, Johnny,
that of course is an honor.

But I-I-I'd really like to have
a conversation with Lisa

before I give you an answer.
No, Dave. I don't see--

Please, babe.

Okay.

Thank you.

You know, dude,
if, uh,

you're interested I
know some caterers

who do some really
creative stuff.

Like what?
There's this one guy who does

this elaborate salad
tossing routine

to the theme from Rocky.

That sounds interesting.
Who else?

That's it.

Dave, if this is going to be
another boring lecture

on how I'm throwing my life
away, I don't want to hear it.

Who's lecturing? Hm?

You better not be.

Please have--
Please, just have a seat.

Okay. Okay.

Okay? All right.
No lectures.

Please, just sit down.

Dave, you promised!

I promised nothing. You sat down
of your own free will

and were tricked.
Now shut up and listen.

All I want you to do is just--
Just look inside yourself.

Look deep down inside yourself

and find that logical,
practical person

that I know still lives
in there. All right?

And ask yourself,
does it really make sense

to become
Mrs. Formerly Evil Vagrant?

Makes perfect sense.
You didn't think.

Yeah, Dave. I don't have to
think, because--

You didn't.
--thought has nothing to do

with my relationship
with Johnny. My feelings for him

are totally irrational.

Well, at least you admit it.

I don't know if you've
noticed this, Dave,

but I glory in it.

[SIGHS]

Look, I'm not stupid, okay?
I'm not stupid.

I don't need you
to point out to me

that Johnny is a penniless goof.

I mean, jeez,
the guy calls me doll-baby

and-- And apple-cheeks.

And, uh, sun-dancer.

[GIGGLES]

Sun-dancer.

Are you sure you're not stupid?

Okay. Look, when you say it,
it sounds bad.

But when it trips off
of Johnny's tongue it's like--

Uh-uh.
--I just like it.

Fine. But do you have
to marry him tomorrow?

Look, Dave, it's fate.
Who am I to resist?

But you're-- You are a driven,
well-respected newswoman

and he is a hobo.

[♪]

Johnny, are you married yet?

Not yet, big guy.

Well then, this looks like
the right place

for the bachelor party.

Hoo, hoo, hoo!

[CHUCKLES]

All right. So what's
on the agenda, gents?

A few snacks. Some cola.
And a special little movie.

Hm.

Bachelor Party
with Tom Hanks?

♪ It's time to fight
For the right ♪

[GIGGLING]:
Oh my, God. Your idea of a bachelor party

is to play the movie,
Bachelor Party.

That is so lame.

Little lady.
Excuse me.

This zone here is restricted
for people who want to get down.

You're gonna have
to excuse me, guys.

I'm really not much
in the mood to party.

You know what? That's what a
certain Mr. Tom Hanks once said.

Yeah, I know. But I'm just kind
of on pins and needles

wondering if Dave
will be my best man or not.

Oh, Dave's your best man.

Good one, Johnny.

[CHUCKLES]

Johnny? Johnny?

Hey, this isn't even
Bachelor Party.

What?
The guy from the video store

must have switched the tapes.
Why, what is it?

It's a p*rn film.

Oh. Party's over.

[♪]

And finally,

I think that the wisest men
and women of the land

would agree with me when I say,

marrying Johnny is a bad

bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Bad idea.

Don't care. I Love him.

Well, how am I supposed
to argue with that?

I mean-- Huh!

So, uh, do I got
a best man or not?

Johnny, y-y-you must be aware

that I'm opposed
to this wedding, right?

Exactly.

And between your skepticism
and my optimism

I think we make a great combo.

Kind of like a pair
of mis-matched cops

in a buddy movie.
What do you say?

[KNOCKS ON WINDOW]

MAX:
Say no!

Say no!

Ah, I kind of promised Max
he could do it if you wouldn't.

[SIGHS]

Say no!

[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]

Okay, I'll do it.

[♪]

Okay, are you a friend
of the bride or the groom?

Groom.

[SIGHS]
Right. I--

I should have known that.
You're homeless.

Right this way.

Oh, Dave. Before I forget.

Hum, the ring.
Uh-huh.

Wow, Johnny,

that-- That's almost real.

It is. You know
the rule of thumb.

Diamonds should be about
two month's salary.

Yeah, but Johnny,

for you, that should
come up to about $30.

What-- How did you
afford this?

What can I say? I splurged.
Uh-huh.

Hey, Johnny.
There's some guy back there.

He says he had to talk to you
about something.

Well, I better take this.

I'll be right back.
Oh-oh.

Hey, Dave? Dave?
Mm?

Jeez, you look pale.
Are you feeling all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.
I don't think so.

You better go lie down.
Listen, don't worry.

I'll fill in for you.
No, no, Max.

That-- That won't be necessary.

Do you have the ring?
Yes.

When do you give
it to Lisa?

I don't give it to Lisa.
I give it to Johnny

and Johnny gives it to Lisa.
Ah!

Well done.

Perhaps you are
the best man--

For now.

Listen, uh, I really
appreciate this.

I really do.
Yeah.

Who was that?
That's the guy who tosses salad

to the theme from Rocky.

He's, uh, waiting for the DJ.

Ah.

[♪]

Oh, there's our cue.

♪ Hey little sister
What have you done? ♪

♪ Hey little sister
Who's the only one? ♪

Beth, what are you doing?

Lisa said I could choose
my own music.

♪ Hey little sister
sh*t g*n ♪

♪ It's a nice day
For a white wedding ♪

Sing something traditional.

It's from the '80s, Dave.

Look, look, Lohengrin,
and hit it.

I don't know the words.
Just fake it!

All right.

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ Hmm hmm the bride
Hmm bride ♪

♪ Here comes the bride
Here comes the bride ♪

♪ Briiiide ♪

[WAILING]

[SCREAMS]

I gotta go.

[WAILS]

♪ Let go of Lisa ♪

♪ Let go of Liiiiiiisaaaa ♪

[WAILS]

Welcome friends to the union

of Johnny Johnson
and Lisa Miller.

[CRIES]

In lieu of the usual ceremony,
Johnny and Lisa have elected

to recite vows that they have
composed themselves.

[CHUCKLES]

No, we didn't.

My little surprise.

Oh!

Lisa, radiant,
pink-fingered dawn,

you are more than my world.
You are my universe.

Take me, precious one
as the earth takes the sky.

Let us be one.

And in our oneness,

complete the circle
that is our perfect love.

JUDGE:
Lisa.

Oh. Well, I-I-I didn't know.

I didn't know.

Hm.
Just speak from your heart.

Okay.
[GIGGLES]

Johnny,

you are my sunshine.

My--

My--

Only sunshine.
And--

Well, hey,
you rock my world.

If anyone here has cause
why this man and this woman

should not be married

Hey, you know what,
wait till I finish.

Let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.

Go.

Johnny's a homeless wino

and they've only
been engaged for a week.

This guy.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you have the ring?

Yes. Ah!

Here you go.

By the power vested in me
by the state of Connecticut

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[APPLAUSE]

Johnny Johnson,
you're under arrest.

You have the right
to remain silent.

I know my rights.

What's going on?

I need the ring.
What?

I need the ring.
Hey. Hey!

I'll explain later, doll-face.
Save a piece of cake for me.

Yeah, okay.

All right, thanks.

All right, so it seems,
Johnny didn't exactly

buy the wedding ring.
He stole it.

Well, so much
for the legendary hobo gold.

It was a theory.
Ah, yeah.

All right, according
to the police report,

it was, and I quote

"a daring daylight raid
on a jewelry store."

And he sort of held the salesman
hostage for an hour or two.

Well, if you were gonna steal
a ring, that would be the one.

I mean--

Yeah. Gorgeous setting.
Yeah, it was.

But apparently Johnny, uh,
sweet-talked the cop

into, uh, not arresting him
until after the ceremony.

Mr. James, did you have him
thrown in jail

because he had you
thrown in jail?

No. Of course I did not, Joe.

Although,
it would have been awesome.

Lisa,

what happened?

[SIGHS]

I chased the police car.

Did you catch it?
Yeah.

But it didn't stop.

Y-you know that--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Johnny's a thief, yeah.

[PANTING]:
The cop mentioned something about that to me

as he was peeling me
off the bumper.

[♪]

Thanks. Thanks, Leon.
Thanks.

Say hello to Margie
and the kids.

Go ahead there, sweetie.

My bride.

Johnny.

What were you thinking?

Okay. I'm just gonna leave you
two lovebirds in peace here.

No, Mr. James. Get back in here.
I-- I don't--

This is hardly a honeymoon.

Uh, let's not be
too hasty, peapod.

We might want
to take advantage.

Uh, I'm not sure they'll hold
our room in Waikiki.

Okay-dokey.
No.

Would you just
help me out here, Mr. James?

Why did you do it?

I had to, purry-blossom.

You're a successful career woman
who deserves the best.

Meanwhile, I was a homeless
wino on a very tight budget.

So you held up a salesperson
at knifepoint?

Well, the Kn*fe
was in my pocket.

It was totally unpremeditated.
Totally what he said.

What about the dynamite
strapped to his chest?

She's got a really
good point there.

That was planned.

Baby, you know I was gonna pay
for the ring anonymously

once I got a job.

I don't know. Maybe it's me.

I'm getting a real gift
of the magi vibe here--

Okay, Mr. James, now I need you
to stay out of it.

His heart's in the right place.

His heart's in prison.
I can take care of that.

If you just hang on
for a second. Wha--

Would you just--?
Ahem.

As a wedding gift,
I'm gonna give you

the best, the finest
legal representation there is.

We're gonna get
the charges dismissed.

Then we just forget about the
whole thing. What do you think?

Jim, you already got us
that toaster oven.

Well, I can return that.

No.

I want to b*at the rap,

that's what
an evil guy would do.

Lisa Miller does not deserve
an evil husband.

I did the crime.
I'll do the time.

Why didn't you tell me you were
going to be arrested

before the wedding?

Hm, I didn't think
it was necessary.

I was expecting to die of
happiness when you said I do.

But if, uh,

you want to get
this whole thing annulled,

I understand.

All right.

Let's get out of here.
All right.

Guard!

No, that's okay.
I got it, sweetie.

But know this.

Even as my body endures the
nightmare world of imprisonment,

my spirit soars free,

just remembering the sweet
fragrance of Lisa Miller.

Oh, Johnny.

[CRIES]

Hey.

[♪]

I always thought I'd be
the one to marry a prisoner.

Well, it's a crazy world.

She doesn't even
write letters to prisoners.

Personally,
I'm a stand-by-your-man type.

Always have been.
Always will be.

Who's the real criminal
here anyway?

A guy who allegedly steals
a little ring,

or the hard ass who crashes
his wedding

and has him arrested?

That's just rude.

No, don't worry.

The rule is, you've got three
strikes against you.

Johnny's got two.

How the hell
do you figure that?

Well, he's evil.

Strike one.

And he's a wino.
Strike two.

Then he walked
into a jewelry store

with dynamite strapped
to his chest

and stole a ring.
That is strike three.

That is a foul tip.

My Johnny is still
in there swinging.

Oh, hey.

Lisa, great wedding.

Great wedding.

Is that your mom's dress?

'Cause you look good in it.

Go ahead. Say it.

No.
Dave, I-I-I want you to say it.

Just say it.
I don't want to.

No, really, I need you
to say it. I don't--

I'm demanding--
No.

--you say it.
I won't.

Just say it so we could
get it over with.

It's fine.

All right.

Fine.

I told you so.

I know. I know.

How could I have been
so stupid?

I know. I know.
But, uh--

So what are you gonna
do now, huh?

I'm going to get an annulment.

Yeah. Well, that's probably
for the best.

[SIGHS]
Yeah.

I think it's definitely,
definitely, uh, absolutely

you know, it's certainly
the best thing.

It's really beyond
the best thing.

Yeah.
It's a good thing.

Yeah.
It's a really,

it's certainly the--
A good thing.

Dave.

Honey, I know all this time
I-I-I wa-- I was--

Just kept feeding into these
irrational feelings

I was having for Johnny.

And what I should have been
doing is ignoring them, just--

Yeah.

Told you so, huh?
Yeah.

But this is too much.
It's just too--

It's too much.
Yeah.

It's over. It's over. It's over.
Uh-huh.

[SIGHS]

It's a relief.
Uh-huh, well.

Yeah, I imagine so,
you know?

Although-- Hum.

It is kind of too bad
though really.

Yeah, right.
No, really.

I mean, having a husband
doing two years in prison

that's a great way to balance,
you know,

a marriage and a career.

[GIGGLES]

That's true.

In a funny kind of way,
huh? Yeah.

No, no, no. Dave.

I mean, you-- You know how into
my career I am right now.

You know that.
Yeah. Lisa, I was joking.

Sit back down.

Hey, you know what?
Now that I think about it,

it's not like
he's homeless anymore.

No. He's in jail.
Yeah.

And if you have a drinking
problem what better place

to straighten up than jail?
Uh, uh, Lisa!

What are you doing?

I'm just thinking
about what you said.

No, you're not.
No you're- no.

No, y-you're just clinging
to the flimsiest pretext

to try and justify
your feelings for Johnny.

Dave, don't be so hard
on yourself.

It's a good pretext.

This could work.
No, it couldn't.

Sure, it could.
He's in prison.

They still allow conjugal
visits, don't they?

Yes.
Oh!

Aw!

Thank you, Dave.

Oh, no.

Lisa, I was joking.
You know me.

Human joke machine.

Always, hm,
always cracking wise.

Oh.

[♪]

[KNOCKS ON GLASS]

Everyone, I think it's
appropriate at this time--

Oh, may I?

Johnny. I think it's appropriate
at this time to thank Mr. James

for making this reception
possible.

Well.
[CROWD CHEERING]

I know he spent a small fortune

bribing the guards
and prison officials.

Yeah. He's not joking.
I really did that.

Thank you, Freddie.
Aagh!

And now, I-I know it also comes
as no surprise to anyone here

that I was-- Somewhat opposed
to this wedding initially.

I thought it to be reckless
and irresponsible.

And now I stand before you all,

before Johnny and Lisa,

and I say,

I am still opposed
to this reckless

and irresponsible wedding.

Thank God, I have
three to five years

to convince Lisa to get out.

To get out.

All right.
Out!

JIMMY:
I think someone's had a bit too much to drink there.

Lisa, you wanna do the cake?
Everybody,

raise their glass

to Johnny and Lisa.

Hey.
Hey.

Mm.
Ah.

♪ It's a nice day
For a white wedding ♪

[♪]

[♪]