05x18 - Ploy

[bunniefuu]

Matthew, here you go.

Ooh, Valentine's.

No. Uh, Valentine's Day
was two months ago.

That is, um-- That's a thank-you
note for my wedding gift.

Oh. Do thank-you notes
have candy in them?

Yours does.
Excellent.

Uh, Max.
Oh, thank you.

Joe.
Did you open up my present yet?

Um, the baby doll.

Uh, yeah. Yes, I did.
It's not a baby doll.

It's an electric infant.

An electric infant?

Yeah. You know,
for practice.

Right.

Right. Okay, a couple
safety tips.

When you're washing it,
don't go in the tub.

All right? And when you're
practicing nursing,

don't put it on Max.

'Cause the little guy's
got some serious suction.

Thank you.
Good luck with it.

[BETH SIGHS]

Guys give such lame gifts.
I know.

Listen, I hope you didn't
already have an ant farm.

Not one that I could wear.

Here you go, Dave.
Oh, what's this?

A thank-you note.
Ah...

"Somebody on Cell Block D
loves you."

Johnny made 'em
on the prison printing press.

They're letting him use
the printing press.

That's-- That's great.
Yeah.

There's an opening in the
cafeteria. Fingers crossed.

Let's hope.

Here you go, Dave.
Yeah, I-I got one, too, Max.

No, on the back.

Uh...

Max, this is a letter
of resignation.

That's right.

I quit.

Yeah, well,
you forgot to sign it.

Oh, sorry.

[♪]

You're not quitting.

Oh, I'm afraid I am.
Effective immediately.

You see, I was walking to work
this morning

and I heard this strange
twittering noise.

And I looked in the tree
up to the highest branches.

Well, what do you think I saw?
A squirrel?

No.
A cat?

No.
A dog?

In a tree?
A tree dog?

I saw the first bluebird
of spring.

A new season was upon us.

And I realized
it's time for me to move on.

You're gonna quit your job
'cause you saw a bird?

You see, Joe,
I'm a journeyman.

Well, every spring
my traveling feet tell me:

"Max, it's time to move on."

My feet are talking too.

And they're saying,
"Max, stay with us."

Why don't you just admit what
this is all really about?

I have spring fever.
And there is only one cure.

Euthanasia?

Look, you're just quitting
so that I will feel sad

that you're leaving
and go on a date with you.

Wow, I'm impressed.

I mean, your vanity
equals his insanity.

Max, why don't you
tell them what you told us?

Which part?
How your work here is done.

Oh, oh, right, right.

My work here is done.

What work?

Well, isn't it obvious?
When I first came here,

Beth was a fragile flower.
Now she's a steel magnolia.

Ow!

Lisa went from potential
spinsterhood to wedded bliss.

And you, Joe, I gave you
the gift of self-confidence.

And Dave, I taught him
how to release his anger.

What?

Splendid.

Matthew, well, I helped him
with his weight problem.

What weight problem?

Exactly.

Well, sorry, my friends,
my time has come.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to clean out my desk.

Oh, I don't know, Dave.
You-- You gotta talk to him.

Nope.

Don't worry.
He's not going anywhere.

He just wants a date with me.
Oh, okay.

Now, about this thank-you note,
I hope you're joking.

Oh, the cupid in prison clothes
was Johnny's idea.

No, I love that.

Oh.

It's the name on the bottom
that's gotta go.

Lisa Miller-Johnson.
That's my name now.

Pffft! Big mistake.

Well, no offense, Joe,
but it is my name

and I can do with it
what I want.

Dude, Lisa Miller's
not just your name.

It's your brand.

You've invested decades

selling people this product:
Lisa Miller.

Now you're gonna change it
to Miller-Johnson?

You're gonna lose customers.

Don't have customers.

Well, don't think
some name change

is gonna magically
bring 'em in.

It's not a big deal.

On the air,
I'm still gonna be Lisa Miller.

In my private life, I'm gonna
be Lisa Miller-Johnson.

Name brand recognition
is just as important in private.

What?
I used to date this girl.

Worked at an ad agency.
I learned a lot from her.

Really?
Yeah. Superfreak. Loves sex.

Hey. Love the new name.

Thank you,
Matthew.

What an improvement, huh?
I just added one word, really.

I know. But what a difference
one word can make.

I mean, your name went
from disgusting to beautiful.

You-- You thought
my name was disgusting?

Oh, God. I hated it.
Hated it.

You know what I'm talking about?
No, I don't.

Oh, come on. Lisa Miller?

It makes your mouth
do ugly things.

Look. Lisa Miller.
Well...

What about, uh, Lisa
Miller-Johnson? It's not--

No, that's like a haiku.
What?

Lisa Miller-Johnson

walking through the woods.

Is there a snowflake? Wet.

Hey, I got more.
I got more.

[♪]

I don't know.
It's all so sudden.

You sure you wanna
leave today, Maxie?

Well, I'm sorry, sir.
My feet have spoken.

Hm.

They tell me to go, I go.
Yeah.

Feet don't speak

and you're not going anywhere.

What the hell
was that all about?

Oh, she thinks this is just
some game I'm playing

to get her
to go out with me.

Oh.

Is it?

Of course not.

But I wouldn't be adverse
to a quickie.

Well, uh...
Ahem.

No, thanks, Max. Maybe, uh--
Maybe some other time.

I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Beth.

Oh. Heh-heh!

Well, it's-- It's kind of
embarrassing, you know? Heh-heh!

You know what it's like?
It's like when, you know,

somebody's waving at you
and you, like, wave back.

And it turns out

that, you know, they were waving
at somebody else.

Except you offered to sleep
with me some other time.

I was just being polite.

Yeah, that's right.
WNYX seeking on-air talent.

Yeah. In a large print, yes.

Hm?

[STAMMERS]
Uh...

Yes, yes,
you do have a lovely voice.

You know what? I think we're
gonna run the ad just in case.

Yeah. Thank--
No, thank you.

Hey, Mr. James.
Oh, well,

you seem to be taking
Max's departure in stride.

Well, what can I do?
Get up.

Hmmm?

Get up.
Oh, sorry.

Thank you. You were saying?
Uh, well, you know, that he's--

He's made up his mind.
So, you know, what can I do?

Well, I don't know.
You could, uh--

You could try talking to him.

Yeah. Sir, I--
I did try talking to him.

And?
And he's crazy.

You know, I'm as sad as anyone
that he's leaving.

I mean, certainly we had
a rough start.

But, uh, you know,
he's a-- He's a good newsman.

He's very conscientious
about the work.

So fight for him.

Part of being the boss
is hanging on to your employees.

Well, regardless, I did talk
to him and he's adamant.

I don't know. It's just--
It's just hard for me to accept.

Well, I understand, sir.
After all, Max

is the man who taught me
how to share.

I wasn't a-aware of that, sir.
Yeah.

Me, neither, so I ran into him
out in the foyer there.

Do you know that he-- He solved
Matthew's weight problem?

I mean,
as far as I'm concerned,

the man's a miracle worker.

WNYX news time: 11:05.

And now filling in
for the absent Max Lewis,

here's Matthew Brock
with The Brock Report .

Opinions expressed
by Matthew Brock

are not necessarily
those of WNYX.

Facts cited by Matthew Brock
are not necessarily facts.

And now Matthew Brock.

That was Svetlana Monsoon
with the news.

Thank you very much,
Svetlana.

And now The Brock Report .

That was
The Brock Report .

This is Lisa Miller.
More after this.

Do you like it?
No. I am not-- What is it?

Svetlana Monsoon.

See, I got to thinking, if
you're gonna change your name

just go for it. Go all out.

So I took Miller.
I took Johnson.

I squished them up
and pulled them apart.

Monsoon.

And Svetlana?

I just thought that, uh,

you deserved a real pretty
first name

for once in your life.

I like Lisa.
Oh, come on. We're friends.

Don't cover for me.
I'm not covering. I like it.

You know what?
Life is a lot easier

for people with beautiful
first names.

I mean, I should know.

Matthew.

Can you just please call me
Lisa Miller on the air?

We'll talk about it.
On the air

just call me Lisa Miller.
Whatever. Whatever.

Now we're back with another
hard-hitting edition

of The Brock Report .

Take it away, Matthew.
Thanks.

Why don't people smile more?

A recent survey shows
that 80 percent of Americans

never, ever smile.

These people need to go to jail.

In the happy 20 percent, though,
are my two special cats.

Choo-Choo Bone Wagon
and Mitt-Mitt St. Clair.

What up, guys?

Why don't you just
give it up?

Give what up?
The whole charade.

It's not working.
Yeah, well, neither am I.

I'm quitting.
Oh. Oh, I see.

You tell me you quit

and suddenly
I fall in love with you

and I ask you
to ravage me

like two baboons ganging up
on a hyena.

You know, Beth,

one of the few regrets
I'll have in leaving this place

is that I never got to make you
feel like a natural woman.

But that's your loss,
baby, not mine.

You could never make me feel
like a natural woman.

Didn't mean

to move in
on your action there, Max.

She'll come back.
Okay.

Hey. Do you mind, uh,
stepping into the office there

with me and Dave
for a second?

Oh, sure.

You're trying to get it on with
everybody today, aren't you?

There you go. Uh, ahem, Max,
j-just stand here for a second.

Dave and I would like to,
you know, take one more try

at talking some sense
into you.

[FLATLY]
Yeah. Max, don't leave.

Well, gentlemen,
although tempting,

nothing on this Earth or moon
could persuade me to stay.

Hey, do you guys
feel a draft in here?

No. I feel fine.
Oh, because

it seems like there's
a lot of wind over here.

I'm by the door.

I'm just gonna shut this door.
Okay.

Please let me stay.
Please let me stay.

I promise
I won't talk to anyone.

I won't get in anybody's way.
Okay, all right.

Please. Please,
just let me stay.

You can stay,
you can stay.

What the hell
are you talking about? You quit.

Plea-- No,
I didn't quit.

It was just a ploy

to get Beth
to go out with me.

Beth was right?

Yes.
I was bluffing.

And she saw
right through me.

Oh, I'm lonely.
I'm so lonely.

All right. All right.
You take him.

[CRYING]:
I'm so lonely.

Oh, Max.

I just had
this suit cleaned.

[CRIES]

So you quit your job

to try and get Beth
to go out with you?

It was the only way.

Max, I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

Beth, she's easy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Well, she is easy
for some.

Well, men in uniforms,
for instance.

Cops. Bus drivers.

Bus boys.
Max.

Bus persons.

[SIGHS]

For me,
she's untouchable.

So you didn't feel
an overwhelming urge to move on?

No.

And you didn't see
a bluebird

on the way to work?

I don't even know
what a bluebird looks like.

Look, I took a sh*t
and it failed, right?

Now, come on, Dave.

Help me get out of it.
Come on.

Get yourself out of it.
I can't.

Tell everyone
you've changed your mind.

I can't. Then Beth
would know I was faking it.

Well, that's too bad.

I have my pride.

No, you don't.

Will you be a man
for once in your life,

and take responsibility
for my actions?

All right,
all right. Absolutely not.

Whoa, simmer down,
everybody.

The great Jimmy
has a solution.

And that would be?

That would be,
Max I want you to go long.

You go out there and pretend
to pack up all your stuff.

Dave, I want you to...

I want you
to follow him out there

and I want you to beg him
to stay, all right?

In front of Beth
and everybody else.

And he says, "yes",
all right?

And everybody's happy.

Uh, on four.

Ah-ha, I like it.

I don't.

This plan revolves around me

making a fool of myself
in front of the entire staff.

It's brilliant.

All right.
Yeah, thank you, Max.

Look, why don't you give
Dave and me

a second here?

Oh, sure.

I'll, uh, I'll just be
out there packing.

Attaboy.

No way am I gonna do it.

I thought you were
the boss of them.

I am the boss of them.

Sometimes the boss
of them has to swallow

his pride for the good of them.

Why don't you go out
and beg Max to stay?

Because I am the boss of you.

Ah. Still
quitting forever?

That's right.
Mm-mm.

Well, guess I'll never
see you again, huh?

You said it.

Well, huh,
maybe I'd better

hurry up and sleep with you.

[LAUGHS]

[SNORTS]

Will you excuse me?
I have to finish packing.

Hm-mm.

Ball of string.
Button collection.

Another ball of string.

Don't get
those two tangled up.

[MUMBLES]

Don't-- Ahh.

[PANTS]

Oh, good, Max,
you're still here.

What do you want?

Max, please don't--

[WHINE]

Swallow it, Dave.
Swallow it.

Max, please don't leave.

Am I to understand

that you're
begging me to stay?

Yeah.

Are those tears
in your eyes?

Swallow. Swallow.

Yeah, Max. Getting
a little misty here.

He's not
quitting, Dave.

He's just faking it.

Yeah, a lot you know.

[WHISPERS]:
Grab my arm.

What?
Trust me.

[SIGHS]

Take your hands
off me, sir.

Groveling is one thing,
but this is too much.

I said I was leaving,
and that's final.

Goodbye!

[♪]

The O.
Okay. Yeah.

I see, I see it.

Au, au, au, au.

Get the A, the A.

'Kay.

Au, au, au, au.

Joe, don't encourage him
to play with his food.

I'm not playing. I'm working.

He's using letters
in the alphabet soup

to make anagrams
out of your new name.

Oh, good,
I was afraid, you guys,

were just goofing around
in here.

Anagrams reveal
the hidden meaning

behind the words that we speak
so casually everyday.

Look, when the letters
in Lisa Miller-Johnson

are rearranged,

they spell out,
"Low, Hell Reigns on Jim."

And what do you think
that means?

I don't know,
but it sounds like

bad luck for Mr. James.

I'll tell you what it means,
Matthew. Nothing.

Whatever you say,
Lisa Miller-Johnson.

Or should I say,

Join Lamros in Hell?

That's a good one.

Who's Lamros?

Wouldn't you hate to find out?

See what happens
when you mess around

with your brand name?

Just keep Lisa Miller.
It's safer.

Hey, kids.

Hey, Mr. James,
wouldn't it be crazy

for Lisa to give up a great
brand name as Lisa Miller?

Could you please tell Joe
that I am a human being,

not a brand name?

Actually, sweetie,
to me you're both.

See? So she should keep
her name, right?

Yeah. Yeah,
I think so.

You know, I once had
a line of detergents

with a great
brand name.

Dandy Clean. Yeah.

Everybody, everybody
trusted it.

But, uh, you know,
that that break dancing fad hit

and my people
made me change it.

Try to stay hip
and everything like that.

And the whole thing,
went bust in less than a year.

What did you change the name to?

Break Dancing Detergent.

[♪]

[SOBBING]:
Dave, I couldn't find Max anywhere.

It's like he disappeared
into thin air.

I-I know.

Doesn't it break
your heart?

Yeah, b-but, Beth,

you're the one
who said he was faking.

Yes. But he wasn't faking,
was he, Dave?

No, he really did leave.

Even after you
humiliated yourself

in front of him
and everyone else.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. He did that,
didn't he? Yeah.

Oh, Dave.

[SIGHING]:
It feels like...

like he's really gone,
you know?

And like I missed
some opportunity

or something.

Oh, well.

Beth, you know,
I'm sure that--

I'm sure you'll find
someone just like Max,

if you're not
extremely careful.

[SOBBING]:
Oh, God, Dave.

There's gotta be
some way to find him.

I made a huge mistake.

[CRIES]

Oh, Beth. I just--
This suit just dried.

Uh, oh.

[CRIES LOUDLY]

There, there,
there, there.

There, there.

[WAILS]

There, there, there.

Ahh-hah-hah.
There.

[CRYING]:
No.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[BETH WAILS]

MAX:
Psst, psst, Dave.

How did you find me?

I didn't.

Hey, Dave. Listen...

[MUMBLES]

I'm sorry.

Max, you made a fool
of both of us.

All right?
I-I-I know.

But I had to make it
look real for Beth.

Now listen,
this time I was thinking

that you could
say something like, eh,

"Max, there's a fire
on 42nd Street.

"You're the only one
who can cover it."

And then I'll say,

"I can't leave
these people of the news."

Then you're gonna say--
No.

No, no, no.

No. No more
playacting.

Look, you want
to start a real fire,

that's your business.

Now all I ask

is that you learn
your lines.

No.

Well, then I guess
I'm gonna have to really quit.

Because I don't think
I can take Beth

laughing at me
the rest of my life.

[SIGHS]

You know, Max,

I, huh...

I hate like hell

to be the bearer
of good news

when you're being
so irritating.

But, uh, Beth seems
to miss you.

She does?

Mm-hm.

Don't ask me
to explain it.

But for some reason,
your idiotic ploy

appears to have worked.

[GIGGLES]

[GROANS]

Max, how can I be sure
you're never gonna try

anything this moronic
in the future?

[SIGHS]

You can't.

Sorry, Lisa,
but I've got some bad news.

Yeah, what's that?

Well, while you were
flipflopping

on keeping your name,
I copyrighted Lisa Miller.

Joe, you can't do that.
It's my name.

It was your name.

I'm sorry, but your
Lisa Miller time is over.

No, no, it's a good thing,
'cause he got rid

of that whole
Lisa Mill-ller.

Now you're free
to be Svetlana Monsoon

the exotic
Russian reporter.

Joe, you can't
copyright my name.

Well, I have a notarized
document that says otherwise.

I didn't know Matthew
was a notary.

It's a fallback
career, heh.

What's up?
What's going on?

Joe can't copyright
my name, can he?

No. He can't copyright
any employees' names.

See?

I own the rights
to all your names.

BOTH:
What?

When the hell
are you people

gonna start reading
your contracts?

You own the copyright
to Lisa Miller?

Yeah. You want it?

I'll give it
to you as wedding present.

Oh, no, sir, you already gave us
that really nice toaster oven.

I can return that.

Can I have my name back?

No. No, sorry.
No can do, Joe.

Garelli
is my Italian line

of feminine hygiene
products.

Hello, everybody.

Max. Max,
you came back.

I couldn't leave you behind,
my treasure.

Wow.

[SIGHS]

That was--
Disgusting.

What?

I don't wanna ever
see that again.

Why would you
do that, Max?

I thought you were into me.

[PANTING]:
I know, I...I was. I--

I was into you
while you were away.

But now
that you're back,

it just seems
wrong and creepy.

But you know what,
Max

as a friend,
just a little tip.

If you close your mouth
a little

you might be able

to cut down
on the drool.

Go get them,
tiger, heh.

Thanks for the tip.

Tsk, well, Max.

You've learned a lesson about

lying and pretending
to quit your job.

Are you kidding me?

Where I come from,
that's called action.

And I got some.

Cha, cha,
cha, cha, cha.

Cha, cha,
cha, cha, cha.

[♪]