08x03 - Maybe It's You

[bunniefuu]

Helen, you're not
going to believe

what I witnessed last night.

What?
Well, uh,

I was over at
the town pharmacy

standing at the
cosmetics counter,

you know, checking out
the new tweezers.

Tweezers?

You tweeze?

What do you tweeze?

What don't I tweeze?

Well, I never tweeze.

Yeah, I know. Anyway...

I'm at the counter,

and I see Fay standing
at the other end,

but she doesn't see me.

So then all of a sudden,

I spot her take a
lipstick off the counter

and place it in her purse.

What?

What are you saying?

Fay stole a lipstick?

I haven't seen hands
work that fast

since I got rolled
at my cousin's wedding.

Oh, Antonio,
don't be ridiculous.

We're talking about Fay here.

I'm sure there's
a reasonable explanation

for what happened.

Hi, Fay.

Hi.
Is that a new shade
of lipstick?

Yes, it is.

I was in the store

and it just called out to me.

Yeah. It said,
"Make your move.

The security guy's
in the can."

Look at her over there.

Sweet, lovable,

innocent Fay.

What a front.

Antonio, stop it.

You and I both know
Fay is not a thief.

Is she?

No. No.

Of course not.

Where you going?

I saw her casing my locker.

One turn of a bobby pin,

and I'm out a clean undershirt
and a Baywatch Thermos.

Hey, Helen, you forgot
to give me your
wedding ring.

If I'm going to get
your jewelry appraised

I'm going to need
all of it.
Oh, right.

Hi, Fay.

New lipstick?

Yeah, it was a steal.

What do you got there?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, no. It's
Helen's jewelry.

I'm taking it
to be appraised.

Oh, can I see?

Sure.

Take a gander at them poils.

How do you think
they'd look on me...?

Oh, just sensational.

Yeah. Boy, you can
wear anything, Fay.

Oh, and how
about these
matching earrings?

Oh, let me see.

Oh, they just look
adorable on you.

Hey, Helen, what's
wrong with you?

You seem jumpy.

Oh, no, I'm not jumpy
at all.

Don't be ridiculous--
get these out of here.

If she follows you,
swallow them.

We can always go
to the appraiser next week.

Hey.

Look at me, Joe.

Look at me.

Look at me.
Look at me.

I'm a dinosaur.

I'm extinct. Yeah.

First, there was
Neanderthal Man

then there was
Cro-Magnon Man

and one day, when they excavate
a T.G.I. Fridays,

they'll find me--
Single Man.

Is this gonna be a long rant?

I just need to know
so I can plan my day.

This is an invitation

to my last
single friend's wedding.

I mean, who'd have thought
that Dave McCall

would get married
before me, huh?

D-Dave McCall
is getting married?

That's weird.

I didn't get
an invitation

and you met Dave
through me.

Makes me think that life's
passing me by, you know?

Ah, well, I'm sure my
invitation's in the mail.

I'll probably get
it tomorrow.

Actually, mine came a week ago.

I just opened this today.

A week ago?

How come a guy

like Dave McCall can settle down
and I can't?

Remember his nickname--
Dave "Had 'Em All" McCall?

I gave him that nickname.

The invitation said
"Brian Hackett and guest."

Uh... there ain't
no "and guest"

in my life, you know?

And you know
what this means.

I'm going to be seated
at the sad singles table.

It'll be me,
a couple of portly cousins

and his Uncle Bobby,
the "confirmed" bachelor, huh?

I don't get this.

Dave and I are
good friends.

After college, we drove
cross country together.

We ate beans out of a can.

We slept in a
Vega hatchback.

You don't get
closer than that.

Hey, is anybody else going
to go to this McCall thing?

Roy... you're invited, too?

I didn't even know
you knew Dave.

Yeah. I met him at your wedding.

At the Hoover Dam,

we smoked a doobie
and couldn't feel our legs.

You know what?

This invitation
is a wake-up call.

If Dave can do it, so can I.

From this moment on,

no more one night stands,
no more frivolous relationships.

I want to find someone who...

Finishes your sentences.

Right. Right.

Someone who
on a Sunday morning you could...

Cuddle with
and read the newspaper.

Right. Someone...

You can share your future with
and build your hopes and dreams.

Exactly.

I-I-I-I-I better go look
for that gift.

What do you think, Joe?

Is there somebody
out there for me

or am I too late?

I sucked rattlesnake
venom out of his leg

in Death Valley.

Come on, I'm hurting, man.

You? You know what
venom tastes like?

I'll tell you right
now-- not chicken.

Joe, I'm serious.

I want to get married,
you know, have children.

I'm not getting any younger.

I don't want to go
to a little league game

and have to tell my son
that I missed his home run

because Nurse Nancy
was changing me

in the back of the minivan.

Well, then, Brian,
I hope you get what you want

'cause there's nothing
as rewarding as a relationship

where the bond is so strong
words don't need to be spoken.

I thought I had that with Dave.

Hey, baby.

Hi.

Any luck with that invitation?

No. I went down to the post
office and made them look again

and, uh, when they
couldn't find it

I asked them very nicely

if I might sift through
a few bins.

And when they said "no,"

I became what Sergeant Robbins
described as "belligerent."

She thought she was so tough.

You have got
to calm down.

You are completely
overreacting.

All right, okay.

What are you doing?

Fay's about to take her break.

I've got way too much cash
lying around.

Joey. Joey.

You're not
going to believe

what just happened.

My invitation came.

Well, not yet.

Anyway, remember how I said

that I wanted
to look for a woman

with my heart, you know?

Well, I found her, I found her,
and you'll never guess where.

On our plane, man.

On the Boston run.

We-We made a connection.

She's special, Joey.

Really? What's
she look like?

(laughing)

See? Now you sound like

the old me.

I mean, what's the difference
what she looks like?

I mean, looks are
so overrated anyway.

That's always
been my problem.

It's what's in here
that counts.

Hey, Brian,
it was nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you, too.

So, um, see you tonight?

Yeah, I'm looking
forward to it.

All right, me too.

That's her?

That's the woman you found
by looking with your heart?

Uh-huh. So?

(chortling)

I love you, Brian.

Don't ever change.

What are you
doing that for?

Come on, I can't believe
I almost fell for it.

"I want a
deeper relationship.

"I want to get married.

I've changed."

Well, I have.
Oh, come on, Brian.

Face it-- you
don't date women.

You date bodies.

You see a pretty face,
you move right in.

Admit it-- you're
going to sleep with her

and move on.

And that's okay.
That's Brian.

Just don't tell me
that you've changed.

I'm an usher at Dave's wedding.

What?

Hurts, doesn't it?

(piano playing softly)

Thank you.

Thanks.

I can't believe
you picked this place.

Is it all right?

Are you kidding?

I've been wanting
to come here forever.

It's like you read my mind.

Go on. Read it again.

Well, okay.

Uh, let's see...

"He's cute, he's funny.

And if that's not a hair weave,
I'll marry him."

So, Brian, tell me everything
about yourself.

Well...

Oh, my God. I cannot believe
I just said that.

It sounds like such
a first date cliché.

Hey, hey, hey,

clichés are clichés
because they're true.

Okay, now, uh...
all about myself.

All right,
well, let's see...

I was born
and raised here...

Oh, my God!

What?

Breadsticks!

I love breadsticks!

Go on.

Okay, uh...

where was I?

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm a pilot,

and I'm
obviously single.

But, uh, more importantly

I've been doing a lot
of soul-searching lately,

and I've come to the realization
that I want to settle down

with someone, and I want

some permanence in my life.

So, what about you?

I'm a temp.

I float from job to job,
and I love it.

Uh-huh, okay.

Okay, well, that's like
a cousin of permanence...

impermanence.

You are so funny, Bri-Bri.

Wha-What did you
just call me?

Bri-Bri.

Is it okay
if I call you Bri-Bri?

Why-Why?

It's just a thing I do.

I like to give nicknames
to people that I care about.

It kind of makes me feel
closer to them.

Well, then, um, Bri-Bri
would be honored

if you called him...

Bri-Bri.

Anyway, Bri-Bri,

there's something
I really need to ask you.

Dani, I want us both
to be completely open

and honest
with each other, okay?

So you just,
you ask me anything.

Okay.

Can I have your breadsticks?

(laughing):
Oh, that's good.

No, really, ask me.

Again?

All right.

Can I have your breadsticks?

Oh, you're serious, huh?

You really like
them sticks, huh?

I love them!

(Piano playing
"Up Where We Belong")

Oh, my God!

It's all right.
Don't panic.

Here you go.

No, it's that song.

It's so moving.

I just love it.

Yeah, it's a great song.

(humming loudly)

Love lift us up
where we were wrong

That's very nice.

Where the eagles die

And the mountains fly...

Breadstick?

Thanks.

I'm really glad
you asked me out.

You are?

Yeah, I mean,
it's really hard

to find a nice guy.

And even though
we just met

I feel like you and I
have a lot in common.

Yeah?

Well, maybe we do.

For instance, tomorrow
is Sunday, you know,

and you know what's great
to do on a Sunday morning.

No. What?

Well, what's great to do
on a Sunday morning

is to cuddle
with someone and, uh...

And... and what?

And...

read the Sunday new...

Sunday new...?

New... new...

new... new...
New... new...

Oh, I get it, Bri-Bri.

It's baby talk!

New-new-new-new-new!

No, no, no.

No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

I love this!

New-new-new-new-new!

No, I... I... I...

I-I-I-I-I-I-I!

No, no...

No-no-no-no-no-no!

No, please stop.

Uh... Dani, I'm sorry.

I just...

I have to tell
you something.

Before this goes
any further

I got to be real
honest with you.

Well, what is it?

Well, I... I...

(piano continues)

I, uh...

I love this tune.

Love lift us up
where we were wrong

BOTH:
Where the eagles die

And the mountains...

Oh, look.

A Monet was stolen last night

from the Boston Museum
of Fine Art.

Anybody know what Fay was up to?

HELEN:
Why don't you just

go over there and ask her

exactly what happened
in that drugstore?

You're right. You're right.

What am I going to say?

Well, you're her friend.

You'll find
the right words.

That's lovely lipstick, Fay.

Thank you...

Why did you steal it?

What?

Are you accusing me

of stealing
a two-dollar lipstick?

Now that I say it out loud,
it does seem ridiculous.

I mean...

Well, you're right.

I did steal it.

You did?

Why, Fay?

It was the rush,
baby, the rush.

I was standing in that store
with the lipstick in my hand

and suddenly I thought

"What if I don't pay for it
and just stick it in my bag?"

And the more
I thought about it,

the more my heart
started b*ating,

my palms were sweating.

I never felt so alive!

So I lifted it.

I walked out into the sunshine,
put on my crimson crush

and never looked back.

Well, the important
thing is

you feel all that remorse.

Yeah.

Yeah, remorse.

Hey, Roy, what you got there?

It's a wedding gift
for that friend of yours--

what's his name?

David Thornton Patrick McCall.

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway, I went down to
where they were registered.

200 Items on the list.

The only gift left
was this bread maker.

Man, who isn't going
to that wedding?

What's with your leg?

Well, last night

Dani and I went
country western dancing

and some C.P.A. in lizard boots
kicked me

during the cowboy cha-cha.

Country and western dancing?

You?

Wow. The sex
must really be worth it.

When did life
turn you so cynical?

The day I sat on my front porch

waiting for an envelope
that never came.

Well, first of all,
that's just very sad.

And second... Dani and I

haven't even slept together yet.

Oh, come on, Brian.

It's true.
I'm just taking it slow.

I want to get
to know her first.

You're serious,
aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

I mean, I never took the time
to get to know a woman,

and now that I have,
I tell you

it makes all the difference
in the world.

Wow.

I guess I owe
you an apology.

What can I say, man?

I hope she's the one.

I hate her!

What?

Hatred!

Hate! Hate!

She is the most annoying
human being on earth.

I hate the way
she calls me Bri-Bri.

I hate the way she sings
the wrong lyrics.

"Love lift us up
where we were wrong!"

Oh, I hate with the baby talk.

No-no-no-no,
new-new-new-new.

I-I-I-I don't
care how sexy she is.

She's never going
to finish my sentences.

That's it.

I need to not be
with her anymore.

Look, Brian...
Please, spare me.

I know what you're
going to say.

"Brian, you haven't
changed a bit."

Well, I don't care.
No, I was gonna say

that you have changed.

The old Brian wouldn't have
cared how annoying she was.

He would have tuned it out
and slept with her anyway.

Oh, I know.
It was a gift.

So, uh, what are
you going to do?

Well, I'm supposed
to see her tonight.

But what do you think?

I'm going to go
over there and end it.

Good for you.

Oh, listen,
since you and Dani

aren't seeing
each other anymore...

Forget it. I'm not taking
you to the wedding with me.

Helen?

Dave!

Hi. How are you?

Well, pretty upset.

I just found this
in my car.

It must have slipped
under the seat

when I went to mail all
my wedding invitations.

Oh, so that's what
happened to it.

I hope you and Joe
didn't think that you
weren't invited?

Oh, no, no, no.

Boy, he just thought
it was some silly mix-up.

You guys are close friends.

You know what he thinks of you.

Leave a message at the beep.

Hi, Dave.

You selfish, pathetic freak!

Remember me, Joe Hackett,
the guy that wasn't invited

to your stupid wedding?!

You know, I should have
just turned the other way

and let that motorcycle g*ng
in Flagstaff

pass you around
like they wanted to.

But no, I had to pull
the Vega around

and trade you for all my beer.

Oh, by the way,
your wedding is a farce, yeah.

All your friends know it.

Oh, and we've got
a little pool going.

The odds are 5 to 1

she cheats on you
in the first year,

you pathetic, sorry loser!

So in case
it hasn't sunk in yet,

I hate your guts!

(knocking)

Dave?

Hey, buddy, guess what I have.

Hah.

(doorbell rings)

Hi there.

Ho there.

Come on in.

Listen, uh, Dani, uh...

about tonight...
I don't think

it's such a good idea
if we go out.

You know,
I was thinking the same thing.

You were?

Yeah.

I think it's time we, uh...

stayed in.

Oh, yes?
Oh, yes.

All righty.

Look, Dani, I really
have something

I have to talk to you about.

What is it?

What is what?

Ooh, Bri-Bri!

Okay, I think it
just came back to me.

Look, Dani, uh...

I've been thinking
an awful lot

about our relationship.

So have I.

And I am so glad
we took the time out

to get to know
each other.

That's why this
feels so right.

Oh, right.

So right.

All righty.

Righty-dighty.

Oh, ho.

Oh, no, no, no.

No-no-no-no!

No, no, no.

No-no-no-no-no!

I... I... I...
I-I-I-I-I-I!

No-no-no-no-no!

Wait, Dani, Dani, please.

Please, I'm sorry. This...

this just isn't, uh...

this-- this isn't right.

Well...

what isn't...

right?

Huh?

What? Who said that?

I'll k*ll them!

You know, I think
I know what you mean

about this not being right.

You do?

Yeah.

I think we should
take this into the bedroom.

Okay... the bedroom.

Good idea.

Mm-hmm.

Here we go.

Come on, Bri-Bri...

Oh, oh, wait.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Dani.
I'm sorry.

I really have
to tell you something.

My God, you are the sexiest,
most beautiful woman

I have ever been with.

But lately

I've been doing a lot
of soul searching

and I really need to change...

the pattern of my life.

It's just better for my growth
as an individual.

I don't want to be
the old Brian anymore.

What I'm...
what I'm trying to say is...

This is harder for me
than I thought.

Um, do you have a glass of...

Water?

Did you say "water"?

Yeah.

You finished my sentence.

So?

Works for me!

DANI:
Love lift us up
where we were wrong

Where the eagles die

And the mountains fly...

I can't believe I
actually shoplifted--

just for a
cheap thrill.

Oh, don't b*at
yourself up over it.

The important thing is,
you'll never do it again.

Oh, I certainly won't.

I just thank God
I wasn't caught.

Never felt so
alive, huh?

200 Hours of community service

just for lifting
one lousy tweezer.