08x12 - Let's Talk About Sex

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Wings". Aired: April 19, 1990, to May 21, 1997.*
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Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.
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08x12 - Let's Talk About Sex

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, move over, baby.

I just got the new
issue of People.

This laptop
is incredible.

Oh, look.

The Who is getting
back together again.

Wow.

Pete Townshend's
starting to look
like my Grandpa Earl.

Oh, I just love this.

Between the spreadsheets,
the Internet and e-mail,

this is going to be a really
valuable business tool.

Yes! Cool!

Look. I made
the alien's head explode.

Oh, die, you freak.

Hey, uh, honey?

Hmm?

Tonight, didn't we say
we were going to...

Oh, yeah. We
were going to.

You still want to?

Sure. Do you?

You know me--
I'm always in the mood.

Yes!

Oh! Phew!
Made it to the labyrinth.

Sharon Stone
is so pretty.

Why can't she
hold on to a man?

Hey, you know what?
Hmm?

No law says we can't
do it in the morning.

Yeah. I love the morning.

I'm a morning person.

Anyway, I'm getting tired.

Yeah. Me too.

I found the key
to six more levels.

Whoo, bad face-lift.

You look like a Munster.

Mm...

great morning, huh?

I love waking up that way.

Oh, it was like our
two bodies were one.

We both reached
for that remote

at the exact same time.

Wasn't that
a fantastic Today show?

Too bad we didn't have
time to, uh...

but tonight...

I'll be there, baby.

Be where?

Oh, nowhere.

We're just making
plans for tonight.

Oh, well,

I'm free.

How 'bout we
make it a threesome?

No. We can't.

Right, Helen?

Fine. Be that way.

I'll just go ask
Antonio and Brian

what they're doing tonight.

Bet they'd be happy
to make it a threesome.

(chuckles)
You have no idea.

Fay...

Fay, do you have
any masking tape?

What is that?

Some new thing

the kids are doing?

'Cause, let me tell
you something.

A man well into his 30s
can't pull it off.

Yeah. That's, uh...
that's very hurtful, Fay.

It's very hurtful.

Did I make fun of you

when you were
doing cornrows?

Anyway, that's not
what this is about.

My shoe's falling apart,
and I don't have the time
to get it fixed.

Okay?

What's wrong
with your hair?

What?

Oh, um...

I didn't have a chance
to pick up shampoo

so I used
dishwashing liquid.

Can you see yourself?

Yes. I see myself stuck
in this dead-end job

for another 30 years.

Hey, Brian?

Hello. Hello.

No...! ( groaning )

My watch stopped.

What is your problem?

The problem is that I
just don't have any time

to get anything fixed.

You know what I need?

I need someone
to run all my errands

to clean me, to feed me,
to do all the grunt work

you know, like a...
like a... like a wife.

No. That's not a wife.

That's a sl*ve.

Not if I pay her.

How much are we talking?

Hey... hey,
this is my wife.

Minimum wage plus mileage.

Okay. You just bought
yourself a wife.

Great. You made me
the happiest man alive.

All right, now look,

here's a few things I need
from the drugstore.

After that, please
swing by the cleaners,

the tailor, the post office, oh,
and the watch repair.

And then come back here
in an hour.

I have a bandage
that needs to be changed.

Oh... perks.

Ooh. Oh, oh, oh, look.

Isn't that

that talk-show host,
Mary Pat Lee?

BRIAN:
God. Ugh. I hate that woman.

She once lured me
onto her show

just so
my ex-girlfriend Alex

could take revenge on me
for breaking up with her.

Oh, no. She doesn't
do mean stuff
like that anymore.

In fact, just the other day
she devoted a whole show

to people who look
like their pets.

I was a hair away
from sending in

a picture of me
with my cockatiel.

Here. Look.

Uh, what do you think?

I think you should keep
that in your pocket.

Anyway, women
may like Mary Pat Lee

but no self-respecting male
would ever want to watch

a dragon lady like that.

( gasping )

Is that Mary Pat Lee?

Pinch me.
I'm dreaming.

Hello.

I'm Antonio, and I'm
your biggest fan.

That's so sweet. Most
of my following is women.

It's so nice to meet
a male fan for a change.

I don't know why
more men don't watch

'cause your topics
are so universal.

Like, "a sisterly
bond," and, uh...

"working mother make-overs."

My favorite--

"a master plan
to land that man."

That was my favorite too.

( both laughing )

So, girlfriend,
what, uh...

what... what brings
you to Nantucket?

Well, Antonio, just
between us, I have a date.

No. Really?

Oh! Well, whoever
that lucky man is

if he's dating you,
he must be--

there's no other word
for it-- a god.

Hi, doll.

Hi, baby.

( both laughing )

Shall we?

I just got to make one
quick call to my producer.

Oh, sure. Use the phone
in my office.

What are you looking at,
Scarpacci?

You.

Her.

How?

Well, we met

at a Foodaholics meeting
a few weeks ago.

Afterward, I took her out
for hot fudge sundae.

We've been dating ever since.

Sh-She's Mary Pat Lee...

Yeah.

And you're...

( stammering )

...Roy.

Oh, by the way,
keep this to yourself.

She is not ready
to go public yet.

Who can blame her?

She's Mary Pat Lee.

You're...

I heard you the first time.

So... oh, hey, Roy...

you and Mary Pat Lee, huh?

How did you hear?

Oh, I picked up
Antonio yesterday.

He was walking down
the highway dazed,
mumbling...

( imitating Antonio ):
"But she's Mary Pat Lee,
and he's... "

( stammering )

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Anyway, look, I was
kind of wondering, Hackett,

if we could have a talk,
kind of man to man.

No, no, Roy. No.

The last time we talked

it took me group therapy
and hypnosis tapes

to get over my night sweats.

Come on, Hackett,
come on, please.

Come on, I really
need to talk.

Okay, Roy, but I'm going
to have to lay down

a few ground rules.

No visual aids,
no graphic details

and you may not use me
in any dramatic re-enactments.

Okay, we'll play by your rules.

Okay. All right.

Look, uh, I've never met a woman
like Mary Pat Lee before.

She is smart, oh, and funny,
and she has never once said

"Put your hand there again
and you'll lose it."

I love how she thinks if she
eats an Almond Joy real slowly

it'll have less calories.

I do that too.

So, what...
what's the problem?

You see, we've been seeing
each other for a while now

and she still wants to keep
our relationship a secret.

I'm beginning to think
that either...

either she's
not serious about me--

like I'm just
her little stud puppet...

Rules, rules, rules.

Or... or she's
a little ashamed of me.

But that's just crazy,
isn't it?

Isn't it?

Isn't it?!

Sure. Crazy.

Well, of course you'd say that--
you're my best friend.

Rules, rules, rules.

It's just that, Hackett,
I really like her

and I need to know if she
feels the same way about me.

Well, look, Roy, just
give her a little time.

If she really cares about you

she'll find a way
to let you know.

Quick, turn on Mary Pat Lee.

She's doing a show on
the myths of P.M.S.

Ladies, when you go
from bright and bubbly

to bummed and bitchy

does your man blame it
on that time of the month?

Today, we m*ssacre
the myth of P.M.S.

Finally.

But, before we begin

I have a confession to make.

( gasping )

I finally admitted

that I'm powerless over food
and I've joined Foodaholics.

I'm happy to report that I've
already lost 15 pounds.

You go, girl.

But I've gained
a whole bunch more

in my wonderful new boyfriend,
Roy Biggins.

We met at Foodaholics, and I am

crazy about him.

B-bu-but you're Mary Pat Lee.

He's Roy!

Shirley Booth...

Robert Ryan...

Richard Widmark...

Scatman Crothers.

Dead... dead... alive... dead.

Gosh, Brian, I can't stump you.

You're too good at this.

I should put you in touch
with my reunion committee.

Okay, here are
your shirts.

Are they...?

Yes, they're starched.

And your vitamins.
Are they...?

Yes, they're chewable.
And I bought you underwear.

And are they...?

Yes, they're starched
and chewable.

Hey, hey.

All right, all right.

They're wide-band
and reinforced in the crotch.

My wife, I think
I'll keep her.

Joe, look.

I don't believe it.

There's another picture
in the paper

of Roy with Mary Pat Lee.

"Mary Pat Lee
at a Boston Pops benefit

"with her new flame...

Boyd Wiggins."

I just... I just
don't get it.

I mean, how can this
still be going on?

She's Mary Pat

and... he's Boyd.

Antonio,
they're together.

You're just going to have
to learn to accept this.

That's what my priest said.

You know... I mean...

it could even get serious.

That's what the counselor
at the Crisis Center said.

I mean, stranger
things have happened.

They could wind up
getting married.

That's what the guy
at the g*n shop said.

Did you guys
happen to see

my picture in the newspaper?

Yeah, we saw it.

Oh, Scarpacci, by the way,
Mary Pat says hi.

Oh, my God!

She said hi... to me?

Okay, okay, go back.

Go back.
What... what...?

what exactly did she say?

Where were you?

What were you wearing?
What was she wearing?

No-- don't leave
anything out.

Just give it to me
word for word.

Scarpacci, what difference
does it make?

Trust me,
lives depend on it.

Uh... she said, "You know
that little Spanish guy

"that works at the airport?

"Well, uh,
tell him I said hi.

Make his day."

Oh! Oh!

She likes me.

Fay, Fay,
wait till you hear.

So, Hackett,
I guess you're wondering

what it's like
dating a media darling.

Nope. Not at all.

Well, I'll tell you.

It's great!

Of course, you give up
some of your privacy

with the paparazzi
always following you around

shouting, "Hey,
get out of the way.

We can't see Mary Pat."

But living
in the celebrity fishbowl

is a small price to pay

when you're dating a babe
like Mary Pat Lee.

And the sex...

Rules, rules.

I won't tell you

how many times
a day we go at it.

Thank you.
Four times.

Oh... Please, stop.

And if the press ever got ahold
of our videos...

Ugh...!

I'm going blind.

Roy, if
you're happy,

then I'm happy for you.

But you should just know
that as your relationship grows

it's not always going
to be about sex.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I mean, Helen and I have
been together for a while now.

And it's not like we're
all over each other.

I mean, it's not like
we don't want to be,
but stuff comes up, you know?

I mean, you get into
your computer,

she gets into her magazine,

you're watching QVC,

you see this little
porcelain leprechaun

you just got to have...

Wasn't that a great deal?

Anyway, I just hope
that you and Mary Pat

are half as happy
as me and Helen.

I hope so too.

Last night we did it
on the hood of my El Camino.

Dah!

Which reminds me,
can you recommend
a good body shop?

Joe, look what I bought
in Boston today.

Nothing.

A present for me.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

Hey, Hackett,
you got a minute?

Yeah, Roy, but I've got
other plans for it.

I'm going
to hang up now.

No, no, wait.

I've got someone here
who wants to talk to you.

Hello, Joe.

This is Mary Pat Lee!

Hi.

Joe, hang up the
phone already.

It's Mary Pat Lee.

Hi, Mary Pat.
How are you?

Hello, Helen.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Oh, not at all.
I was just sitting here.

Listen, Roy
was telling me

what a wonderful
couple you are.

And tomorrow
I'm doing a show

"Happily Ever After:
Marriages That Work"

and unfortunately,
one of the wives on the panel

she came home today

and she found her husband
trying on her nursing bra.

So I was wondering...
do you think you and Joe

might consider
replacing them?

What's she saying?

A man got caught
in a nursing bra

and she wants us to be
on her show tomorrow.

What do you think?

I don't know...

We'd love to!

Oh, I really
appreciate this.

I'm so delighted.

Now listen, you have
to be in Boston

tomorrow morning
at 7:00 a.m.

Okay, 7:00 a.m.
in Boston.

We'll be there.

Oh, listen, Mary Pat,

we just love
your show so much...

and we just can't wait
to be there...

Isn't this exciting?

We're going to be
on TV tomorrow.

I know, but we're going to have
to get up so early.

Oh, right.

Good night.

Yeah, good night.

Oh, wait. Weren't
we going to...?

Ah, we'll get
to it tomorrow.

Get to what?

Oh, yeah, right,
we'll get to it tomorrow.

Ah... I can't believe

I let Joe talk me
into coming back here.

That woman called me a
commitment-phobic creep

in front of
a million people.

You should be proud.

You know,
that show made it

on the best of
Mary Pat Lee video

along with
"Death Row Marriages"

and the guy who
gnawed off his own pinky

to get it out
of an A.T.M. machine.

Oh! Finally.

Hey, where were you?

Sorry. It takes a while

to replace all the Odor
Eaters in your shoes.

Wear a sock
once in a while!

Hey, aren't we
forgetting something?

Oh.

No, no, see...

no, I believe
I said "extra firm."

Take it back.

( mirthless laugh )

That's it, princess.

I have had it with your
delicate little behind,

your sweaty feet,
your creepy underwear

and your Loony
Tunes vitamins.

You're an adult!

Learn how to
swallow a pill!

What are you saying?

Get yourself
a new wife.

I quit!

Honey, honey... honey,
please don't go!

We can work this out!

Hey, are you single?

You looking to make
$4.50 an hour?

Shh-shh-- it's starting,
it's starting.

( applause )

Hi! I'm Mary Pat Lee!

( cheering )

Is your marriage mundane?

Has "for better or worse"
become a curse?

Is "happily ever after"
just a fairy tale?

You know it, sister.

What's the secret
to a happy marriage?

Meet two couples who know.

Please, let's have
a warm welcome

for Sam and Ida Merriweather,
who've just celebrated

their 50th
wedding anniversary.

( applause )

And Joe and Helen Hackett,

who've just enjoyed
their first blissful year.

Aw...

And speaking of blissful,
guess who's in the audience?

Roy.

(audience applauding)

All right, Joe, Helen--

let's start
with you.

Why don't you tell us

what makes your
relationship

so darn special?

Well...
Well, I think...

Oh, sorry.
Go ahead.

No, you go, baby.

Don't you just want
to eat them up?

Like candy.

All right, Joe, come on.

Tell us, what's your secret?

Well, uh, I think it's
pretty simple, Mary Pat.

Um, I think that marriage

is about taking care
of each other's needs.

And jewelry
doesn't hurt either.

( stagy laughter )

Well, you two just seem
like the perfect couple.

We like
to think we are.

Then why is your sex life
in the dumper?

What?

Oh, come on, come on.

You're sitting there like
you're America's sweethearts

when the truth is
you're practically celibate.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Okay. Okay. When, exactly,
was the last time you had sex?

A-All right. U-Uh...

( clears throat )

The... I am pretty damn
sure it was this month.

I'm pretty damn sure
it was good too.

Audience?

ALL:
Let's get real!

You know, I-I see now

why people like
to watch this show.

It's very entertaining.

Okay, listen,
let me tell you something.

Helen and I
have a great sex life.

Oh, really?

Well, that's not
what you told Roy.

You talked to Roy
about our sex life?

No. Well, no,
not exactly.

Not exactly? What
does that mean?

Look, I am not going
to discuss this

in front
of millions of people.

Okay, fine. Why
don't you go home

and discuss
it with Roy?

Helen...

Joe, Joe, Joe,
tell me, tell me

what are you thinking
right now?

I think you're sneaky
and mean,

and you are completely wrong
about Helen and me.

Audience?

ALL:
Let's get real!

Just go ahead
and set that down over there.

Oh, honey,
wasn't that a great show today?

Yeah. Uh... about that...

I really need to talk to you.

No, not now-- we're
being photographed
for Boston Magazine.

Oh, you look shiny.

Lou? Roy needs
a little pancake.

Eat now?

I'm kind of upset.

Oh, what the hell.

Lou, make it
a short stack.

( laughing )

You are so cute.

I meant makeup.

Look, I got to be honest
with you here, Mary Pat.

I'm a little
angry right now.

Smile, Roy.

It's about your show.

Honey, what is it?
What's wrong?

You told me that you
were going to do a show

about happy couples.

Come on, Roy.

"Happy couples"
gets a four share

against Huckleberry Hound.

You betrayed and
tricked my friends.

What I told you, Mary Pat,
was in confidence.

Oh, my god, Roy.

I feel terrible.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Mary Pat?

Oh, honey, I just,
I-I had to do something.

You know that softer
Mary Pat image?

It just wasn't working.

Okay, guys, let's
get a picture

of the two
of you together.

Let's show Boston
how you really feel
about each other, okay?

One, two...

Hold it, hold it.

I can't do this.

C-Could you all please
just give us a minute?

I really don't understand
why you're so upset.

You know how much
I care about you.

Not half as much as you
care about your show.

Yeah, but that's a lot.

Boy. I really thought we
had something going here.

We do, but don't ask me
to choose

between you and my show.

Okay. Well, then, I'm
going to choose for you.

Roy! Please don't

walk out on me!

I really, really need you!

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Mary Pat?

That was incredible.

We should fight
more often.

There's nothing better
than make-up sex.

Unless it's
make-up sex again.

How mad are you?

Furious.
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