He's open...
he's open!
Touchdown!
( doorbell rings )
Hi there.
Dennis Lundy,
Domestic Cleaning Consultant.
A door-to-door
vacuum cleaner salesman?
I thought you guys
went out with hula hoops.
Yeah,
we're a dying breed.
I'm a fourth-generation
vac man myself.
May I show you my product?
Uh, I really don't need
a vacuum.
Well, you do now.
Hey, what, what
are you doing?
That's a move
Grandpa showed me.
And that got him slugged
what percentage of the time?
All right,
come on in.
Just clean this mess up
and then,
get out of here, okay?
Exactly what I'm planning
to do, my friend.
Now, this Hosemaster
is an engineering miracle.
This bad boy has got
the cleaning power
of three, count them,
three, hurricanes.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Just clean it up.
Done.
Done?
Wow.
It just sucked it right up.
I didn't even hear
you turn it on.
That's the patented
"whisper drive."
Care to, uh, take her out
for a spin?
Uh, n-no, really, we
already have a vacuum cleaner.
But you don't have
the Hosemaster
with the unconditional
lifetime eternal guarantee.
Listen, I am trying
to watch the playoffs.
For the last time, I am not
going to buy a vacuum cleaner.
Man, this thing
is unbelievable.
They're starting
the overtime.
Who cares?
Lift your feet.
Again?
Joe, you vacuumed
the whole house last night.
The spores,
Helen, the spores.
You've got to
get the spores.
Give it a rest,
will you?
Okay. All right.
Ah! I love that!
Ooh. This is one
kick-ass machine.
Morning, guys.
HELEN:
Morning.
Oh, Joe,
I'm done with the bathroom
and I spilled some talcum powder
on the floor.
Go knock yourself out.
Thanks. I owe you.
HELEN:
Joe!
Don't you have
an early flight this morning?
Oh, oh, that's right.
Oh, geez,
I better put this away.
Uh, no, I'll do it.
Wait. Helen, I don't know.
There are very specific
storage procedures.
I know.
Don't you remember?
Last night, you popped open
a bottle of champagne
and made me watch
the instructional video.
Just go ahead.
Let's get going.
Okay. Oh, damn.
I didn't realize
it was so late.
Yeah, I guess time really flies
when you're sucking up dirt.
You know, it really does.
What do you think?
Should we fire it up
and see what the fuss
is all about?
Well, why not?
Be a nice change of pace
to see a woman
vacuum around here.
Whoo! Boy, this baby's got
some ponies under the hood.
(vacuum clanking)
That must be the patented
"whisper drive!"
Oh, that wasn't
in the video.
Hey, Hackett,
do I have any food
in my teeth?
Roy, I told you yesterday, yes.
Look, uh,
I was wondering if
you could do me a favor.
Just as long
as there's no flossing involved.
All right, favor number two.
Uh, my niece, Lydia is coming
to the island for a few days...
Yes, I-I see.
I see where this is going.
Listen, Roy, uh, I'm sure
that any niece of yours
would have to be...
well, there's no other word
for it-- dreamy--
but, uh...
it just so happens that
I'm going to be busy
for the next, uh, however long
she's going to be here.
Relax, Hackett,
I was just going to ask you
if you could recommend
some fun places we could go.
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Uncle Roy.
Hey, Lydia!
( chuckling )
How are you, kiddo?
I'm great now that I'm
with my favorite uncle.
Oh, you look terrific.
New hair oil?
You got to stay current.
I-I don't believe this.
Fay, Fay, do you see
that beautiful woman over there?
That's Roy's niece.
She's related to Roy?
I know.
What possible side
of the family
could she be from?
None. It's got
"switched at birth"
written all over it.
Hey there, Roy.
Uh, aren't you going
to introduce us?
Oh, yeah,
where are my manners?
Uh, Hackett,
uh, this is Lydia.
Lydia, this is the guy
who was running for cover
when he thought
you were an "oogly."
( forced laugh )
Roy, you're such a big funny.
You know, Uncle Roy, I
am really looking forward
to us spending the
next few days together.
Me, too, honey, and since
it's your first night here,
what do you say we
pull out all the stops
and go out for Polish.
Mind if I join you?
Well, fine with me,
if it's okay with
you, Uncle Roy.
What do you say, Uncle Roy?
Forget it, Hackett.
I haven't seen Lydia
in a long time.
We got a lot of
catching up to do.
It's on me.
Taste Of Warsaw, 7:00.
Hey. So, how'd it go
at the vacuum repair shop?
Can he fix it?
They won't know
till they take it apart.
How am I gonna tell Joe?
Oh, well, just look him straight
in the eye
and tell him
the cleaning lady did it.
He is the cleaning lady.
Helen, I don't know
what you're so worried about.
I mean, for God's sakes, it's
just a stupid vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I mean, it's not
like it's the only thing
going on in his life.
840 watts of pure cleaning
muscle, my friend.
Wow!
I-I thought my carpet sweeper
packed a wallop.
Tell me about the accessories.
It has got a crevice tool
that'll break your heart.
Oh...!
Ten inch or 20?
Oh, you dog!
You, you sprung for the big boy,
didn't you?
You don't go halfway when
you buy a thrill machine.
Ah, what I wouldn't give
to get my hands
on a hellcat like that.
Well, I think maybe
I could arrange that.
Don't tease me.
I'm not teasing.
Tomorrow night,
you stop by my house,
we'll take a look at the
instructional video,
I'll let you take it for
a lap around the area rug.
Hey, what's going on, guys?
Hosemaster party
tomorrow night,
your place.
We're going to
get down and dirty.
Um, Joe,
I have to talk to you.
I was just thinking
that we've been given
so much in our lives.
I mean, we have a good
home, we love each other
so even though the
vacuum's broken...
Uh, hey, the,
the vacuum's broken?
W-What did you do?
Did you vacuum up
something you shouldn't have?
Did you take it outside?
You didn't vacuum
the driveway, did you?
All I did was turn it on.
Without supervision?
Oh, damn!
I blame myself for this.
I should have activated
the childproof lock.
Joe, would you
just calm down?
I took it to
the repair shop.
Okay, well, I just hope
it's going to be all right.
Listen, Joe, it's
out of our hands.
All we can do
now is pray.
Mr. Lundy?
I just heard what happened.
How is it?
Relax, Mr. Hackett.
She's purring like a kitten.
In fact, you can take her home.
Oh...! Oh, what a relief.
See?
I told you everything
was going to be all right.
That'll be $185.
What?
Uh, you said it was
unconditionally,
eternally guaranteed.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did; those
were your exact words.
No, that wasn't me.
That was... my twin.
Your twin?
Right. I do repairs
and he does sales.
Oh, okay.
Well, then, uh, why don't
we talk to your twin
and see what he has
to say about it?
Where is he?
No idea.
We're not that close.
Look, this
is ridiculous.
Just tell me
who to write the check out to.
No, w-wait,
what are you doing?
You put that away.
This guy's a liar.
We are not paying you
one dime.
Well, then you're not gonna
get your vacuum back.
Now, you listen, pal,
right now, airborne dust
is settling in my house.
You don't want to mess with me.
Now, boys, boys, boys.
We all know
that emotions run high
when a vacuum's at stake
so why don't we come back
when everybody settles down?
That's fine.
I should tell you though
if you don't pay for it
in 30 days
I'm going to sell it.
You wouldn't dare!
You're right.
I wouldn't.
But my twin would.
Ah, Fay, Fay.
What is it about
having a great night
with a beautiful woman
that just puts
a smile on your face?
How the hell
would I know?
No, no.
I was talking about me
and Roy's niece, Lydia.
You're dating a Biggins?
Yeah, she's...
she's terrific.
But, Brian,
she's a Biggins.
I don't care.
I'm not ashamed.
Well, I am, but I don't care.
Hey, Roy,
I just want to tell you
I had a fantastic time
last night.
I really like Lydia.
In face, I was thinking of
asking her out again tonight.
You got it, pal.
Tonight, how about
the three of us...?
Oh, no, no, no.
Actually, I was thinking that
it would just be me and Lydia.
You know?
Just you and Lydia?
Well, what am I
supposed to do?
Well, Roy, uh...
I don't know
how to say this
but I don't care.
Let me lay this
out for you, Hackett--
you want to see Lydia
you got to show me
a good time.
All right, I see.
All right, I was thinking about
maybe having a little dinner.
Just dinner?
On a second date?
Forget it.
Wait, wait.
Did I just say dinner?
I meant dinner in New York.
I'm listening.
And a Broadway show.
Throw in some ice skating
at Rockefeller Center,
you got yourself a date.
Great, I'll pick you up
at 6:00.
Make it 6:30.
I got to wash my hair.
Look, you have got to put me
through to Mike Wallace.
I am telling you, this is going
to blow the lid off
the whole door-to-door vacuum
cleaner sales
and repair industry.
Hello?
Hello?
Hi, Joe. How's it going?
It's unbelievable, Helen.
No one cares.
I called the police,
the Better Business Bureau,
even a guy
named Freddie Eyelids
who said it wasn't worth
strapping on
the brass knuckles for.
Listen, Joe, I hate to say this
but let's just give
Mr. Lundy the 185 bucks
and just be done with it.
No way. No way.
He sold that to me
with an unconditional
eternal guarantee.
Now, I am not letting
that sleazeball rip us off.
It's a matter of principal.
In the Old West,
do you know what
would have happened
if one man stole
another man's vacuum?
Well, Joe,
those were rugged times.
I make a lot of promises, Helen,
but I swear to you
by all I hold dear
that by 6:00 tonight
I am coming home
with a Hosemaster.
You're a good man,
Joe Hackett.
Thanks again, Mr. Lundy.
You're the best.
Anytime, Mrs. Harrison.
Hi, Mr. Lundy.
Well, if it isn't
the nut job's wife.
Bring your checkbook?
Well, I was thinking.
I think we got off
on the wrong foot the other day.
So as a peace offering,
I made you some oatmeal cookies.
Go ahead. Have one.
You first.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
They're not poisoned.
How could you be so suspicious?
It's happened before.
Once poisoned, twice shy.
Oh, you're so funny.
Well, go ahead. Have one.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Okay, look...
Oh, you missed one.
Look, if you
want your vacuum,
write me a check.
Otherwise, take
your plate and go.
Well, I can't write a check.
Well, then, I've
got work to do.
I can't... I can't write a check
because, um...
because we're broke.
Broke?
You just spent $400
on a vacuum cleaner.
That thing cost $400?
Boy, my husband is a nut job.
LUNDY:
Yeah, your life,
your problem.
Now, if you'll
excuse me...
No, please,
listen to me.
What is it?
Well, see...
um...
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late,
Mr. Lundy.
Thunder had to go
number four.
LUNDY:
No excuses.
I want you to take that vacuum
over to my wife's brother
and tell him if the
check bounces again
he's gonna have
to answer to Thunder.
Yes, sir.
Go on in the back, boy.
No! Wait!
Oh, just look
at that little dog.
Hello, little puppy.
I'm done.
( growls )
He hates people.
He only likes me.
Go on in the
back, boy, yeah.
Mr. Lundy...
Yes. Mrs. Hackett...
I've got some work
to do now,
so if you'll
just excuse me...
( Thunder growling )
Quiet Thunder!
Listen, uh,
what I would like...
Play with Mr. Chewy.
( crashing )
JOE:
Help! Get him off me!
Please, don't eat me.
Good boy, Thunder.
Way to go. Come on.
Well...
what are you doing here?
Um, I'm sorry.
Have we met?
I'm Joe's twin brother, Bob.
Oh, please.
You were trying
to steal your vacuum.
Look, I'm not
trying to steal anything.
I'm just trying
to take what's mine.
Come on, let's just
pay him the $185
and get out of here.
No, it's not $185 anymore.
No, now it's a thousand.
A thousand?
Mm-hmm, and if you don't pay it,
I'm pressing charges.
For what?
Attempted grand theft
and destruction of property.
Well, yeah, good luck
trying to prove it.
Yeah, it's your word
against ours.
I don't think so.
See, I got a security camera
in here
that's been recording
everything.
So if you don't pay it,
I'll show that tape in court.
Yeah, right. Nice bluff.
A security camera
in this dump.
What do you think we are,
a couple of idiots?
Let me tell you something.
I am going to get
that vacuum back
one way or another.
So when you come down here
one morning,
that window is broken and that
vacuum is gone,
just know that Joe Hackett
was the one who did it.
Joe Hackett...
Hey, Roy, listen.
Uh, I've been thinking.
I want to have a really romantic
evening with Lydia tonight
so I booked a cozy little booth
at the Bay Tower Room in Boston
for the three of us.
Yeah, Hackett, that
sounds great, but...
W-W-Wait. I'm not
finished yet.
Belgian truffles, Roy...
Oh...
Your favorite.
Oh, Hackett...
I'm afraid I'm going to have to
lay this on the line
for you, Hackett.
We can't see you anymore.
What? Wha...?
Did I do something wrong?
I can change.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not you-- it's us.
But I-I thought
we had something... special.
Sure, we had some laughs,
but, uh...
to tell you the truth,
we met someone else.
Wow, I...
I feel so...
cheap.
You used me.
Hackett, we never promised you
anything.
Don't t*rture yourself.
Move on; we have.
Uncle Roy,
are you ready?
All set.
These are for you.
( chuckling ):
Oh, you...
You shouldn't have.
Yep.
10:00 tomorrow morning,
your office.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Helen, I got some great news.
I just got off the phone
with some attorneys
in Boston.
For only $500 an hour
we can have our very own
vacuum cleaner dream team.
Joe, you've got to get
some perspective here.
It's just a vacuum.
We'll get you
another one.
It is not just a vacuum;
it's a Hosemaster!
But more importantly,
it's the principle of the thing.
I don't care about
the principle.
All I want is for my husband
to be a whole man again,
standing on a chair,
vacuuming the drapes...
Don't you think
I want that, too?
Look, Joe.
I just got back
from the bank.
I got a cashier's check
for $1,000.
Let's give it to Mr. Lundy
and get on with our lives.
Please, Joe!
I'm begging you.
Stop the madness.
( sighing )
Okay... okay.
Oh, honey...
It's just... it kills me
to think of that sleaze bag
getting away with this.
I know, but you got to admit
this whole thing has
gotten out of control.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It really has gone too far.
( phone rings )
Hello?
What?
When?
Who-who is this?
Hel-Hello? Hello?
They hung up.
Who was it?
It was some guy.
He said he's got information
about my vacuum cleaner
I'll be very interested in.
He wants to meet me
in the terminal at midnight.
Oh...
Now, that is just insane.
I am so glad that
we have put this
craziness behind us.
Finally! A break
in this case.
Oh, we shouldn't
have come here.
I don't like the looks
of this place.
What are you talking about?
It's the terminal.
I know.
I've been meaning to
tell you for years.
I don't like the looks
of this place.
It needs a coat of
paint, something...
MAN (over PA):
Joe Hackett...
Wha-What is it?
Who are you? Where are you?
What is all this about?
You stumbled
on to something--
something bigger
than a Hosemaster...
even bigger
than a Hosemaster 2000.
A "Hosemaster 2000"?
I thought I had
the top of the line.
( evil laughter )
You fool!
( evil laughter )
Ow!
What'd you do that for?
It's the guy from
the vacuum store.
No names.
My whole career's at stake.
What are you doing here?
Teddy-- Teddy Kolb.
Nice to meet you.
What is all this about, Teddy?
This is from the store's
security camera.
I know what Lundy's
been doing to you,
and I know it's wrong.
And this tape is gonna help you
get back at him.
We already know
what's on that tape.
Oh, but you don't know
what's on this tape.
I must say, Mr. Lundy,
you always give me
the best service.
Dennis...
Wanda!
( both moaning )
What about that?
So what?
It's just two clumsy
people having sex
in the back of
a repair shop.
And that is not
the way you use
that attachment.
Teddy...
Oh, no, no, no.
This is my favorite part.
Ooh...
Okay, it's over.
Look, look, look.
This is very interesting
and moderately stimulating,
but, you know, how is
this going to help us?
Because the woman in the tape
with Mr. Lundy
is not Mr. Lundy's wife.
When he finds out
you have this tape,
he'll be happy to trade it
for your Hosemaster.
Or maybe even
a Hosemaster 2000!
Well, finally,
this nightmare is over.
But-but wait a minute.
Why are you doing this?
What is in this for you?
Lundy's been ripping people off
for years.
I think it's just time
somebody stood up to him.
Oh, Teddy, we really appreciate
you giving us this tape.
I want you to know that
I really admire a man
who stands up
for his principles.
Well, thank you.
Oh, but there's just one
other... little thing.
Okay, let's see.
50 Bucks to replace a pair
of dog-eaten trousers...
$150 for the consultation
with the vacuum dream team
and, of course, the $1,500
we paid Teddy for the videotape.
And the total comes to...
$1,700 to get back
a vacuum cleaner
that we could have had
for 185 bucks.
It feels good to win,
doesn't it, Helen?
There you go.
You think you're
ready to solo?
I watched the video
and I did pretty well
on the written test, so...
yeah, I'm ready.
Okay. I'll be right back.
( engine coughing )
( engine dies )
Joe! Helen broke your vacuum.
08x13 - Hosed
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Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.
Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.