08x14 - Just Call Me Angel

[bunniefuu]

( sighing )

Joey...

I cannot thank
you again.

Taking me to Vegas
for my birthday

is the best gift

I could ever
have asked for.

Oh, hey, man,
it was my pleasure.

So, uh, how
you feeling, anyway?

Uh, well, I reek of smoke.

My head is imploding.

I think I gnawed
the end off my finger

at the craps table.

You know, your
basic Vegas high.

How 'bout you?

Oh, I had a fantastic time.

I'm telling you, that hotel
had the best gym.

I was in there 7:00 a.m.
working out.

You should
have come with me.

Wow, I would
have loved to,

but as luck
would have it

I was passed out
on the floor.

Really? I didn't see you
in the room this morning.

I never made it
to the room.

It was in the hallway...
of some other hotel.

You know, Brian, I just...
I don't get you.

I mean, I take you to Vegas
to have a good time

and all you do
is drink too much,

chase women and gamble.

What is that?

I don't know.
I forgot their slogan--

"Come to Vegas
and work out in the hotel gym."

Yeah, well, at least
I came out ahead.

Really? You
actually won money?

Well, not money per se.

I mean, yeah, I gambled,
but when I lost my $50 limit

I paid a little visit
to the Chamber of Commerce

and got
the free "Fiesta Fun Book,"

a $138 value, my friend.

So right there, I'm up 88 bucks.

Then I even had time
for some shopping,

and look what I got
for a 75% discount.

I've been wanting
one of these.

A makeup case?

It's not a makeup case.

The salesman said it was
a man's travel bag.

Then why does it have
a lighted mirror?

Because it's
the top of the line.

Look. Look at all these
cool little compartments

for holding your stuff
on an overnight stay.

Sure, your rouge,
your lip gloss...

Pardon me.

Aren't you Steve Young
the quarterback?

Uh, yes, I am.

I suppose you'd
like my autograph.

Uh, well, no.

Actually, you owe us three
dollars for the headphones.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

Uh, I'd still love to give
you that autograph, though.

Well, thank you,
but I'm a Patriots fan.

I think I'm going to
catch a few Zs.

Do me a favor.

When they start serving
food, wake me, okay?

I'm starving.

Well, that's 'cause you didn't
get a discount coupon

for the $1.99 "Little Taste
O' Europe" buffet.

I'm telling you,
German schnitzel,

Polish sausage, French toast;
and get this--

a Bavarian custard mountain
shaped like the Matterhorn.

( snoring )

Brian?

( snoring )

Brian?

Huh? What?

You're sleeping
with your eyes open?

Trying to.

Oh. Oh, so, man...
phew, my stomach.

Wh-what's the
Matter-horn?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little indigestion.

No big deal.

I'm not surprised.

All of Europe is
at w*r in your colon.

Look, there was nothing wrong
with that buffet.

As a matter of fact, I saw
both pilots on the plane

eating there this morning,
so I know it's not the food.

If you say so.

(groaning)

On the other hand, maybe we
can't rule out the food.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

I just saw the pilot
running down the aisle.

Is he all right?

Oh, there's nothing
to worry about. He's just fine.

Oh.

Well, who's
flying the plane?

Captain Siden--

our very capable
and experienced copilot.

Oh.

Who's flying
the plane now?

Please relax.

There's absolutely nothing
to be concerned about.

Captain Lameiras, are you okay?

Oh, I want to die.

Captain Siden?

Mommy...

Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please?

Can anyone here fly a plane?!

Well...

( snorts )

Um... I'm a pilot.

Oh, thank God.

Come with me.

What? What?

You mean... fly this plane?

No, no. This is
a seven-something-seven--

you know, a big-boy jet.

You don't understand;
you're our only hope.

It's all right,

ladies and gentlemen.

We have another
pilot on board.

Him?

That's the clown
that was passed out

in my hallway
this morning.

We're all going to die!

Hey, what's with the crowd?

Is Big Tammy
out there

jogging without her
sports bra again?

Hot plate coming through.

Coming through.

Roy, they're all here
to welcome back Brian.

After a one-day trip
to Las Vegas?

God, these people
need lives.

No. Didn't you hear?

Brian's a hero.

The pilots
on his plane got sick.

He made an emergency landing.

He saved, like, a hundred lives.

It's been all
over the news.

That's right.

I was downtown sitting
in a bar... uh, bank...

when all of a sudden
he appeared on TV.

I nearly dropped
my drink...

I mean, checkbook.

Fay, let me ask
you something.

When Brian was being
interviewed on TV--

you know, everybody
was calling him a hero

and making such
a big fuss over him--

didn't he seem kind of sexy?

Oh, I don't know.

I only caught a glimpse
of him before one of the...

tellers had to switch
back to the fight.

So you say you're a friend
of Brian Hackett's?

Friend? Oh, so much more.

We, uh, we recently
moved in together, you know?

Really?

Well, congratulations.

You must be very proud.

I am... walking on air.

WOMAN:
Oh, look!

There he is!
There he is!

Please, really. You really
don't have to do this.

Thanks.
Brian... Brian, I
am so proud of you.

I'm seeing you in
a whole new light.

You saved all
those people.
Thank you.

You're such a hero.

It's like you're
this big, famous...

See you back
at the house.

Well, uh, thank you
for saving our lives.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

I'm Mike Riddley from
the Boston Globe.

You were on
Flight 28, too?

Oh, yes. That's right.

And I am here to tell you
that this man is a hero.

Oh, more than that...

he is an angel.

Hey, hey, I like that--
"the Angel of Flight 28."

Oh, good.
Yeah.

You... you... I
am going to cook you

such a dinner
tonight, mister.

Brian, I just
heard the news.

Where's Joe?

He'll be in in a sec.

So while you were flying
the plane, what was Joe doing?

Was he comforting the
passengers and stuff?

Well, the truth be told?

Mrs. Herbert here
is the true hero.

No.

You the man.

No, it was this
little lady here

who kicked in
the bathroom door

pulled Joe out,
carried him to his seat

and strapped him in
for the emergency landing.

You... you
carried Joe?

Joe had to
be carried?

I-I know it's procedure

but I really don't need
the wheelchair.

Hi, Helen.

Oh, Joe,
look at you.

How you doing?

Better now.

They said it was
just a little food poisoning.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, did that
little old lady

really carry you
to your seat?

I'm not sure.

They say I blacked out.

You fainted and you
had to be carried?

Helen, Helen, you
should have seen it.

She hauled him around
like a sack of manure.

I don't know where
she found the strength.

I'm sorry I pulled your hair.

I was just trying to hold on.

That's okay.

Well, good-bye,
my angel.

Oh, ma'am,
you forgot
your vanity...

No. No... no. That's...

That's mine.

Hi.

Hi.

It's too bad you
left the house so
early this morning.

I was kind of
hoping we could...

Yeah, it is too bad.

Well, it's okay.

There's always tonight.

Sure, sure,
there's always tonight.

Helen, um, what's wrong?

Nothing.

You're turned off
because that old lady

carried me around
the plane aren't you?

No.

No, no, no... well, yeah.

Oh, this is ridiculous, Helen.

Come on, you are going to
get over this, aren't you?

Oh, sure, yeah.

You know, in time, probably.

Probably? What can I do
to help you along?

Throw away the makeup case.

I told you it is
not a makeup case.

It's a travel bag.

Oh, why can't you

throw a baggie
in a suitcase like a man?

Okay, everybody... everybody
step away from the Angel.

All right, all right.

Um, "Somebody up
here likes you.

The Angel."

Don't you love the way

he dots the "I"
with the little halo?

Brian.

I heard about
the mayor's dinner tonight.

You know, if you need a date
for the event, or...

you know, after...

Ah, hey, hey, hey... uh-uh.

The Angel don't date townies.

Who are you?

Something I've wanted to be
my whole life.

I'm a hanger-on, baby.

And there's only room on these
coattails for one,

so b*at it.

Whoo!

Oh, I'm telling you, man

this whole "Angel
of Flight 28" thing

is spinning out of control.

Now I know how
the Beatles felt.

Yeah, it must be hell
for you... Ringo.

My agent never leaves me alone--
he calls me night and day.

Agent? What do you need
an agent for?

Well, somebody's got
to field all those
endorsement offers.

When you become
a national hero

everybody wants
a piece of you.

I've even got this chain
of hero sandwich shops

begging me to be
their spokesman.

Well, that's just stupid.

Oh, I know. I know.

My agent is pushing me
to launch my own brand

of angel food cake

you know, sort of a
Paul Newman thing,

only none of the money
goes to charity.

ROY:
Hackett.

Hackett, come here.

Oh, I am so glad
that I caught you.

You know, look, with this whole
celebrity deal

you've got to be careful
because you know what?

Out there,
there's nothing but sharks,

sharks who want to make
a buck off you.

Now, you don't want to do
anything cheeseball.

Well, thanks. Thanks, Roy,
I'll keep that in mind.

Well, what do you say?

How about being
the Aeromass Angel?

Roy, you have got to be
out of your mind

if you think Brian would promote
a competing airline.

Write something
up and I'll run
it by my guy.

You got it.

Brian,
what about Sandpiper?

Hey, Joe, I've
seen the books

and the fact is

we can't afford the Angel.

Well, the Angel
has the next flight

so why don't you get your butt
on the plane, okay?

( phone rings )
Well...

Can you do me a favor
and take that flight for me?

I've got way too much
on my plate right now.

Talk to me.

All right, Fay,

it looks like
I'm taking this one.

Oh, I thought
it was Brian's flight.

Yeah, so did I.

Just load them up.

We want the hero guy.

Well, I don't know
if that's gonna work.

Yeah, we want
the Angel of Flight 28.

Well, I did promise them.

Hey, aren't you the
guy in the newspaper?

Yeah, the one who carries
a makeup case.

It's a travel bag--

a man's travel bag
with man-type stuff in it,

like razors and...
b*ll*ts and stuff.

Joe, you got to help me
out here.

Were you just
dead weight

or did you at least
help the little old lady

with some body English?

For God's sake, Helen,
will you just give it a rest?

I want to
but you've got to
give me something.

Anything. Just
throw me a bone.

This whole thing
is crazy.

Have you seen
Brian out there?

"The Angel of Flight 28."

Well, he did save
all those people, Joe.

Yeah, but that is what
is so crazy about it.

I'm the one that always
comes through in a crisis,

not Brian.

He's a panicker.

He loses his cool.

Not me. I keep my cool.

Have you ever seen me
lose my cool? Have you?

No. You're Joe Cool.

That's right.

That's why it
should have been me up there.

I should be the angel.

Good news, Joey,
I think I found a way

to get you
in the sandwich commercial.

You don't mind wearing
a pickle suit, do you?

( rings )

You got the Angel.

Did you hear that, Helen?

A pickle?

I haven't endured
enough humiliation.

Now he wants me to be
a freaking pickle.

A pickle isn't that bad.

True, it's not one
of the luncheon meats,

but it is on
the same plate.

Oh, shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Can't you see how
unfair this is?

Brian doesn't deserve
this as much as I do.

Our whole lives

I have been
the responsible one

and Brian has been
the screw-up.

Like in the Boy Scouts

I learned all the knots;

Brian glued
the ropes together.

In high school

I read the book;
he saw the movie.

In college... I went.

I agree with you, Joe.

You have been the one
to always come through

but this time it's Brian.

And you can't change that,
so you might as well accept it.

This time Brian's the hero.

And me?

What am I?

I'm the pickle.

Tough break, Joey.
You can't be the pickle.

They're suiting up the old lady.

My God, Helen!

Your husband is
the bravest man alive.

I was crossing the street,
not looking,

when all of a sudden
out of nowhere,

this car came
bearing down on me.

And without a thought
for his own safety

Joe leaped in front of me,
and pushed me out of the way.

Oh, my gosh! Really?

He saved your life?

Oh, damn, you can always
see right through me.

No. He pulled five bucks
out of his makeup case

and asked me to lie to you.

Oh, no. Now he's using it
as a purse.

Well, Fay,
you were lucky this time

but, uh, just remember...

I won't always be around
to save your life.

Drop it, Joe.
She didn't buy it.

Buy what?

Joe... you don't
have to do this.

You don't have to prove
anything to me.

You'll always be my hero.

Oh, wow, even I
didn't believe that.

Oh, hey, Joey,
there you are, eh...?

( clicks tongue )

Got something for you.

"The angel
made me do it."

Well, gee, thanks, Brian.

What do I owe you?

Oh, please...

Your money's no good here.

Actually, I
got to take off.

I've got a
wardrobe fitting.

We're sh**ting my hero
sandwich spot tomorrow.

No. Hold on.

You have a flight to take
in about 15 minutes

and I'm getting sick
of covering for you.

Yeah. Um, about that

I've been giving
it thought, and, uh...

maybe you should
start looking for
another pilot.

Yeah, right.

No, um... I'm serious.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Are you gonna walk out on me?

Keep it down, Joe,
I've got an image here.

No. I don't give a damn
about your image...

Everything's all right!

You're gonna quit?
It's all right!

The Angel
is unharmed!

Come on, man.

You can see
how busy I am.

Fate tapped me
on the shoulder.

I want to dance.

One little thing happens
to you,

and you're just going
to walk away?

"Little thing"?

Are you forgetting
what I did up there?

You're a pilot.

You landed a plane.

Big whoop.

( clears throat )

Look, uh... all this

might be good
enough for you

but I've got a sh*t

at making something
of myself.

I'm the "Angel of Flight 28"

and if you
can't handle it...

that's your problem.

So listen, I hear you're
going to New York today

to sh**t that
commercial.

Think you can get
me on the set?

I'll do anything.

Anything.

( scoffs )

Now, you're hitting on me?

How low can you go?

Hey, did
you guys

see the paper
this morning?

A cat saved an
entire family

from a burning
building.

Look.

"Cat nips fire
in the bud.

"While her owners slept,

"Lulu, a five-year-old
Himalayan

"braved smoke and flames

"nudged the phone
off the hook

and speed-dialed
9-1-1 with her
little pink nose."

Ah!

ROY:
Hey, guys...

turn on the TV.

They're interviewing
that fire cat.

I know we wouldn't be alive
today if it wasn't for Lulu.

And to think, my husband
wanted to put her to sleep

just 'cause
she clawed up the couch.

Well, you did!

What do you mean,
they've pulled the offer?

That's my commercial.

Who could possibly replace me?

What cat?

Ah. Oh, all right.

We just go back
to the angel food people, and...

Come on, a cat can't be
in two places at once.

N-No, hey,
don't-don't hang up! Hel...?

Guys,

you're not going to believe
what just happened.

ALL:
Shh!

Be quiet!

Lulu's about to do
a reenactment.

Could I just have
a cup of coffee?

I got to take
the next flight out...

and the one after that,

and the one after that.

Why don't you get Brian
to take it?

He's in your office.

What are you talking about?

I thought he was in New York
doing his big hero commercial.

They dumped him.

They're going with Lulu.

The fire cat?

Well, everyone on the plane
was talking about her.

Now, there's a real hero.

Well, furball's going to be
on Leno tonight.

So, huh...
the Angel has fallen.

Ah, thank you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where you going?

Oh, it's payback time, baby.

You want to see a real man?

Now is your chance.

First... I'm going
to make him cry.

Then, I'm going to b*at him up.

Then... I'm going
to start in on him... huh.

Replaced by a cat. Ha!

It's all just
a little too purr-fect.

Hey, Brian.

What's the matter?

Cat got your tongue?

How could they
do this to me, Joey?

How could they do this to you?

Oh, where do I begin?

Okay, first of all...

I cannot believe
it's over!

I was on top, man.

People were looking up at me
with respect.

Everybody loved "the Angel."

Are you done?
'Cause let me tell you some...

I thought my whole life was...

I thought my whole life
was changed.

You know, I wasn't
"Brian, the goofball" anymore.

I-I actually...
I felt good about myself.

Are you finished now? 'Cause let
me tell you something...

I wanted this...
I just wanted this so much.

I was even willing
to throw everything away

that you and I
had worked so hard to build.

And... for what?

Look where I am.

Back where I started.

No... worse than that.

I made an ass of myself.

Ah, "the Angel."

What the hell was I thinking?

I'm... I'm nothing.

Now, are you done?

Yes.

Good, 'cause let me
tell you something.

You're... you...

You're not "nothing," you're...

you came through
when it counted.

Okay?

I mean, yeah,

your fifteen minutes
of fame are over

but no one on that flight
is ever going to forget

what you did, Brian,
including me.

You were a hero,
and, um...

no one can ever take that
away from you.

Thank you, Joey.

Forget about it.

All right, um...
I got to go.

I got to take
the next flight.

Oh, that's okay, uh,
I-I'll take this one.

Great.

You know what
the real tragedy

of this whole
thing is?

It's that the
youth of America

will never get a chance
to play with "the
Angel" action figure.

Well, let's just hope that
somehow they muddle through.

Let's hope.

Come on, Joe, we've
got to get checked in
to the hotel by 6:00.

Oh, I am really looking forward
to this weekend.

Me, too.

A cabin in Vermont,
a big ol' bed,

a roaring fire.

Oh, I am right there
with you.

Oh, wait, just let me
grab my stuff.

Joe...

What? It's a travel bag!