08x16 - Escape from New York

[bunniefuu]

Casey...

guess what happened
this morning.

Go ahead. Guess.

Something great?

Something really great.

One of my regulars,
Mr. Allison, gave me

a pair of third row tickets

to the hottest musical
on Broadway.

Cats!

You really don't get
out much, do you?

You got tickets

to the hottest musical
on Broadway?

You got tickets to Rent?

Yep!

How's it feel to be
less hip than Roy?

Really bad.

Chappel, I envy you.

I am dying
to see that show.

Why don't any of my regulars
ever give me anything?

Hey-- you. You've flown
this airline before.

Give me something.

Coffee, Helen.

Oh, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Make that... Fresca.

Fresca?

You never order Fresca.

Exactly.

Number 81 on my list:

"Try Fresca."

Are you all right, Antonio?

You look a little
weird... er.

Well...

I wasn't going to say anything

but yesterday I had
a brush with death.

I was passing
by the video store,

and I thought, "Hmm, I wonder
if the new Jackie Chan is in."

I went inside and just then,
a car jumps the curb

right where I had been standing.

If I wasn't such a big Chan fan,
I'd be dead.

And you two would be weeping
right now--

weeping at my funeral.

Actually, she'd be weeping.

I've got tickets to Rent.

Anyway, I made a list

of all the things
I've never done

that I want to do before I die.

And Fresca
made the cut?

It feels wonderful to...
to stop putting things off

and just... just go for it.

Okay. Tried it.

For instance,
I realized

I've never told certain people

how much they meant to me

so last night,
I just picked up the phone.

You wouldn't believe
the response I got.

If you ever call me

at 2:00 a.m. again,

I will k*ll you.

Then... I will hurt you.

He won't admit it but, uh...
I touched him.

Hey! Guess where
we're going tonight?

Whoa...

Joe...

what did I tell you

about going out for sh**t
with Fay?

No, no, Helen, I was driving
to work this morning

and I suddenly got really dizzy,

so I stopped by Dr. Grant's
and it turns out

I've got an inner ear infection.

My equilibrium
is completely messed up.

Oh, honey.

Well, he's a terrific doctor.

Just do everything he says
and you'll be better in no time.

He says I can't fly
for three days.

Oh, what does that quack know?

You have to fly. We're going
to New York tonight to see Rent.

We are?

Yeah, one of my customers
gave us free tickets.

Wow, that's supposed to be
a great show.

I don't feel sick.

I guess I'll be okay.

That's the spirit.

See that? You got
right back up.

I guess we can go
some other time.

Sure we can.

Oh, that's not what
you're supposed to say.

When I say, "We can
go some other time,"

you're supposed to say,
"No, honey, I'll be fine.

You go with someone else."

Helen, I told you...

you have to give me a signal
when you speak in code.

Let's see, who am
I going to take?

Casey's got to work.

Fay has already seen it.

(over P.A.):
I want to go, I want to go,
I want to go, please!

Brian.

Brian, tell me you're
not doing anything tonight.

Well, I had a date, but...

something happened in front
of a video store so...

I'm free.

Great! We are going
to New York.

I've got tickets
to see Rent.

Rent! Wait,
I've heard of that.

That's like a musical,
isn't it?

Yeah, only the hottest
one on Broadway.

Isn't it exciting?

No. I hate musicals.

Except for Cats.

I love Cats.

Why don't you take Joe?

Oh, he's sick.

(mock crying):
Wha-wha-wha.

Come on, I don't have
anyone else to go with.

(over P.A.):
Take me, take me, take me,
please.

Brian, we never hang out,

you know, just you and me,
since Joe and I got married.

It'll be a chance for us
to spend some time together

and the whole evening's on me.

What do you say?

Any nudity?

I guess I could wear
that sheer blouse...

Not you.
I'm talking about the musical.

If I have to watch
people sing,

I at least want to watch
them sing naked.

Well, I don't know
if there's any nudity,

but it is New York

so I'm sure
there's nudity close by.

Oh... all right.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you.

I don't have a good
feeling about this.

Nobody's nude in any
of these posters.

WOMAN:
Next.

Can I help you?

Hi. Yes.

You're holding tickets for me
under the name "Allison."

Here they are--
two for Allison.

Some I.D., please.

Oh, certainly.

Is the show as good
as they say it is?

You'll be transported.

This says Helen Hackett.

Yes. That's me...

these tickets are
for William Allison.

He gave them to me.

It was
a credit card purchase.

I can only release them
to the proper holdee.

The holdee?

The holdee
gave them to me

so I'm the holdee,
so please give me
my tickets.

You don't have
any tickets. Next!

(bell dings)
Oh...

Look, it's about to start.

How about I just pay for them?

They're already paid for.

Next!

Would you please
quit saying "Next."

There's nobody
standing behind me.

Oh. So there isn't.

No...! wait!

Nothing like the taste
of a New York street dog.

Two, three days in that water
really seals in the flavor.

Brian, they won't
release the tickets,

and it's all sold out.

Hmm. Well...

there's a place
across the street, Knobs.

They got a show
every 20 minutes.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I wanted to see Rent.

All right, all right,
don't get so upset now.

Was the rigatoni
not out of this world?

Didn't I tell you that chef
was a culinary genius?

Come with me,
come with me.

Why?
Now just get
in there.

BRIAN:
So I says to him,
I says, "Darling,

better you should leave him now
while you still got your looks."

Well... the evening doesn't
have to be a total loss.

We can still catch
the 8:20 at Knobs.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Joe.

Antonio, what are
you doing here?

I remembered Helen was
going to be away tonight,

and it suddenly hit me--
number 57 on my list:

"Get closer to my friend Joe."

Wow. That's going to be
easier than I thought.

No, no... you don't understand.

I have this crazy inner ear
thing and my equilibrium...

No, no. I understand.

You're uncomfortable
with intimacy. Yeah...

Now, before that car
nearly flattened me,

I was, too,
but not anymore

and I'm not leaving
here until I can put

a great big check mark
next to number 57.

Okay, okay, but only
for a few minutes

and no touchy-feely stuff.

Verbal closeness only.

Okay, tell me everything.

How you feel... your hopes,
your dreams, your fears...

Tired. Hungry.
Winning the lottery. Snakes.

There, now you know more
about me than Helen.

I-I see this is going
to be tough for you.

So, uh... I'll get the
intimacy ball rolling.

Let me tell you
about my first time.

I was 14... she was 61.

Okay, that's it.

When she led me
to her room,

I couldn't help but notice
how her teeth

glistened in the moonlight--

in the glass
on her nightstand.
Oh!

Wait! I'm not finished.
Yes, you are.

No, no, no, no.
That's what I said to her.

"Wait! I'm not finished!"

It's all part
of the... oh, my God.

Ow.
Oh, my God, Joe.

My back, my back.
I can't move.

Okay, here. I'm here.

I'm here. Don't worry.

Let me help you.

Oh, come on.

Let's get you
comfortable.

Here.

(groaning)

Okay.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

She took me by the hand.

She led me to the bed.

I will never forget how...
how aroused I was

at the sight of her...
her flaming red hair...

...across the room
on that wig stand.

It's not fair.

We came all the way
to New York for nothing.

Come on, Helen.

It's you and me, you know,
just like the old days.

I thought that's
what you wanted.

No. I wanted to see Rent.

I just said all that
other stuff so you'd come.

I know. I only came
because you were paying.

But you know what?

I'm glad I did.

I tell you what...

why don't we go and
have a little dinner

and walk around the city,
and it'll be fun.

You think?

Tonight there's not
another person

in the world I'd rather
be with than you.

Excuse me.

Well, hello there.

My kitty

knocked my shoe
off the window sill

and I'd come get it

but I just got out
of a hot bath

and as you can see,
I've hardly got a stitch on.

Sorry, but we're....

On my way!

Hey, hey.... you're just
going to leave me out here?

It's two lousy minutes.

Have you no compassion?

The naked woman
has no shoe.

MAN:
Okay, everybody,
here we go.

Keep your eye on
the red queen.

Just follow
the red lady.

Point to the honey,
double your money.

No!

No, it's not that one.

Well, you're
pretty good,

pretty lady.

Want to try your luck?

Me? Uh, no. No, I'm just...

Oh, what the hell.
Deal 'em up, baby.

Oh, no. All I have
is a hundred.

I've got change.

Um, I'm going to bet 20.

Keep your eye
on the red queen.

Just follow the red lady.

Point to the honey,
double your money.

(yelling):
I won! I won!

I won.

Uh, aren't we
forgetting something?

That's better.

Hey, Brian... Brian, I won.

I won. I won.

I... what's wrong
with you?

I saw things...

What things?

Bad things.

It was like Roy's basement,
only... there were more jars.

Serves you right
for ditching me.

You should have played
three-card monte like I did.

Three-card monte?

That's right.

I played, and I won.

I've always been
really lucky at cards.

Oh, yeah.

Oh... you've been lucky,
all right.

Hey, since when

did they start putting
Barney Rubble on 20s?

Hey, this money isn't real.

Hey, you got these
mean streets wired, sister.

Well, he's not
getting away with this.

Hey...

He's gone.

You're kidding.

These crooks today!

What are we going to do-- that
was all the money I brought.

All right, all right,
don't panic.

Ah, how about we use
your credit cards?

I didn't bring them

because I didn't want to risk
them getting stolen.

Uh-huh. There's them
street smarts again. Good.

Hey, I got a crazy idea.

Why don't we use
some of your cash.

What cash?

I don't have any cash on me.

Tonight was supposed
to be on you.

Here, look. What do I got?

Huh? I got 39 cents...

and something from
that girl's apartment.

Look, there's a phone.

We'll just call Joe

and have him
wire us some money.

Oh, he's so lucky he's
at home relaxing tonight.

What I wouldn't give
to switch places with him.

Well, of course, the minute
the doctor told me

it could be a thr*at
to her health,

we had to stop doing it.

Stop!

Stop telling me
these stories.

(groaning)

See? See, you've
hurt yourself again.

Now, the doctor feels,
and I concur,

that if you want
to get rid of these spasms,

you need to relax.

(phone ringing)

That means no
distractions,

no intrusions, and
no phone calls.

Did he say anything

about obnoxious, bizarre,
psychotic visitors?

Don't worry, none of those
are getting past me.

Thank you, operator.

Oh, Joe must have
unplugged the phone

so he wouldn't be disturbed.

Wait till I get home.

I'm going to
disturb him good.

This is ridiculous.

All we need
is a little money

to take the subway
to the airport, that's all.

Oh, wait, wait,
I got it, I got it.

Excuse me, sir.

My sister and I
are stranded and...

Hi. We're from Ohio.

My wife hasn't
eaten in a week...

Hey, Mac, this hooker
just ripped me off.

Brian...

Hey, at least she's
got a freakin' job!

Ya bum!

Now what?

I'm cold, I'm tired,
I'm hungry...

(distant thunder rumbling)

And now I'm wet.

God, this is
all your fault!

What? The rain
is my fault?

Why is the rain my fault?

Oh, don't pull that
innocent act on me.

You know
what you did!

Brian, you dragged me
through that big puddle.

Didn't you hear me saying,
"Let go of my hand."

Well, I thought you
were saying "ham."

"Let go of my ham."

Oh, right.

That ham I've been
carrying around all night.

Hey, hey, hey,
$20 apiece.

Aw...
$20 just to get in?

It's a cover charge.

Unless you're entering
the talent contest.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

We're here for
the talent contest.

That's why were here,
because we got... talent.

Okay.

Good luck.

Are you crazy?

Now we're going
to have to perform.

So what?

We'll go on last, we'll
sing "Muskrat Love"

and we'll lose.

Meanwhile, it's
dry in here.

Oh, hello.

Yeah... now there's
some real talent.

Brian, this is
a drag club.

What the heck are
you talking about?

Why would all these
women be at a drag club?

Oh.

Come on, let's
get out of here.

Wait a second,
wait a second, Helen.

Look-- first prize
is 250 bucks.

With that we could pay
our way out of New York.

Did you read
the sign, Brian?

$250 For the
best drag queen.

Do you really think
we could be able

to pass you off
as a woman?

No, but we just
might be able

to pass you off as one.

Good evening, and welcome
to Drag Queen for a Day night.

I'm Bella DeBall,

your hostess
for our little star search

which each week
asks the musical question,

"Dear God, how much longer
is this damn show?"

(laughing)

Forget it, Brian.
The answer's no.

Helen, Helen, Helen, do you want
to sleep in an alley tonight?

This is our only sh*t.
I know, but I can't.

Of course you can.
It's in the bag.

Who here is going to be
a better woman than you?

Maybe he won't enter.

Okay, talent,
this is your last chance

to enter the contest.

Speak now or forever
hold your hairpiece.

Course, if they find out
that you're really a woman,

it's all over,
so remember, you're a woman

pretending to be a man
pretending to be a woman.

Okay?

Bella, over here!

Woman, man, woman. Shh.

Well, hey there.

I don't think I've seen
you in here before.

Oh, well, no.

(lowering voice):
Uh, no.

Uh, it's my first time.

Oh, well don't worry,
honey, you'll do fine.

Name.

Uh, He...

Henry.

Henry is her name.

Henry...
Henry.

Is my name.
Call me Hank.

(deep laughter)

I meant your
drag name.

My drag name?

My drag name...

is Helen.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

"Helen" says all
the wrong things--

cashier, file clerk,
soccer mom.

What it doesn't
say is "magic".

We can help it along.

Now what are you
going to wear?

Well, well, does this
say anything?

Yeah, but let's
not listen to it.

I might have

a little something in
back that could work.

Well, um,
I don't know.

Maybe we should just
forget the whole thing.

(gasps): No, doll.
(snaps fingers)

You can't quit
before you start.

You know, it's
all just attitude.

It's attitude,
shoulders

and a big finish.

Now you come with me.

Ms. Bella's going to
turn you into a diva.

You won't have to
pay for it here, pal.

This place is babe city.

(laughing)

No, I've really opened
up about myself tonight

and I think it's
time you shared

some stories about
your personal life.

But I don't have
those kinds of stories.

I never dated
my grandmother's friend,

I never made love on a gurney

and no part of me has ever
swelled up to twice its size.

In other words,
I'm normal.

No... no.

What you are...

is blocked!

And I'm not moving...

till I hear some stories!

But I don't have...

You know what, Antonio?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am
a little blocked.

Why don't you, um...

why don't you please
go to the kitchen

and make us up
some hot cocoa

and I'll try to dig
a little deeper.

Back in a jiff.

(grunts)

That's very bad...

for your back, Mr. Man.

I-I was just...
I-I was...

Someone might try to call,

and I...

(screaming)

Wow.

I mean, I know from
beautiful women,

and you are just...

Really?

Well, your friend's
up next.

Do you think
he has a chance?

Who knows? I did what I could,
but there's only so much

raw material there
to work with.

Now, you,
you're a natural.

You've got great
bone structure.

Me?

Come on.

Yeah.

And shoulders for days.

You I could make a star.
We should talk.

All right, everyone,

let's put those big telltale
hands together

for our last entry, the fabulous
Miss Helena Handbasket.

(hooting)

(piano flourish)

(lip-synching):
At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking
I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent
so many nights

Thinking how you
did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how
to get along

And so you're back

Attitude and shoulders.

Yeah, attitude
and shoulders.

I just walked in
to find you here

With that sad look
upon your face

I should've changed
that stupid lock

I should've made you
leave your key

If I'd have known
for just one second

You'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go

Walk out the door

Just turn around now

'Cause you're not
welcome anymore

Weren't you the one

Who tried to hurt me
with good-bye

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think
I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I

I will survive

Oh, as long as I know
how to love

I know I'm still alive

I've got all my life
to live

And I've got all my love
to give

And I'll survive

I will survive

Hey, hey.

(music stops)

(howling)
Miss Thang! Yes!

At last the time has come
to cast your vote.

Who will be our
drag queen for a day?

Will it be
Miss Eva Destruction?

(applause)

Will it be
Miss Helena Handbasket?

(applause)

Or will it be

Miss Ginger Vitis?

(enthusiastic applause)

Well, it's
a no-brainer

which is
a good thing

because so is
Miss Ginger.

Man... can you believe it?

Miss Ginger Vitis b*at me

with that tired old
"New York, New York."

I mean, Liza? Please--
that's groundbreaking.

Hold on there,
Miss Runner-up.

Don't forget your
consolation prize.

Ooh, consolation
prize!

Two tickets to the hottest
musical on Broadway.

Rent!

All right, all right.

Now we can sell these
tickets and get on home.

Are you kidding?
I am not leaving New York

without seeing Rent.

You need money? Honey, you
start spreading the news.