04x07 - John Quixote

[bunniefuu]

You care for a game?

Belongs to Crichton, but he's
not on board at the moment.

Do you know how to play?

And this...

Hmm. p*rn.

I figure a relationship
is based on trust.

I didn't want to tell you about
the pregnancy until I was sure.

What's he doing here?
What does he want?

He wants asylum.

Crichton.

You've gotta try these.

Crichton.

What?

You're doing it again.

What?

Zoning.

No, no, I was just thinking.

Well, the Aeryn in your
head can wait.

Come on. Come play these
games with me.

Games? Looks like some
kinda sick root.

It's organic matrix.

Reality games.

Simulations.

Press the flesh.

Ah.

Sikozu, if you were to open the
door we could play properly.

Chiana?

Pip!

You know you're
completely vulnerable.

Pilot. Moya.
Hey, where are you guys?

I need to get a fix
on your position.

Crichton.

Yo, D. How you doing, man?

Crichton, where are you?

You have got to see this.

Tell him about Scorpius.
- Not right now, Chiana.

Crichton, we're having a
small problem with Scorpius.

You have got to try this one.

Hang on a sec.

What the hell?

Hey, wait.

Son of a...

Hey, wait for it. Wait for it.

This way!

You have to hurry!

Gilina.

Come on, we gotta hurry!
Come on!

Whoa!

This is just a game, right?

Drad, huh? Bring back memories?

Gilina, Scorpius, Gammak Base.

I'll save you!

Stark?

Now, this is...

This is weird.

Not right.

We shouldn't just... we shouldn't
just switch levels like that.

No, no, no, I mean somebody's
messing with us.

Well, I'm sure there's some
really good techno-babble...

You know what?
Screw the explanation, Chiana.

We got a problem with Scorpy on
Moya and Pods do not fly themselves.

We need out.

Help!

Help!

Help.

Cool.

Now I know somebody's
messing with us.

We gotta end this now.

Just say you want out.

I want out.

Yep.

That's standard override.
Try again.

I want... out.

I... want... out!

My name is John Crichton,
an astronaut.

Three years ago I got sh*t
through a wormhole.

I'm in a distant part
of the universe

aboard this living ship of
escaped prisoners,

my friends.

I've made enemies.

Powerful, dangerous.

Now all I want is to
find a way home

to warn Earth.

Look upward and share
the wonders I've seen.

Hey.

Ouch.

Hey, you okay?

Anyone home?

What happened?

I'm not sure.

Something's gone fekkik up.

Damn, that hurt.

But I wouldn't...

I wouldn't try and move that.

Yeah. Might make things worse.

Oh, my God.

How...

Stark.

Stark?

You're here?

I'm supposed to be here.

I am everywhere.

I am Stark. Avatar.

Guide. The game embodied.

You're the Avatar?

What are you doing here?

All players are supposed to
begin at the Gammak base.

Pip?

What do you want me to do?

The auto-out didn't work.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear?

You say you were on a
Transport Pod, alone?

Mmm.

Just you two?

That's not very smart.

Right. So we'd like out
now, please.

I'm afraid it's not that easy.

Could be broken.

Okay, Stark. Some questions.

Who's the designer of the game?

Yoti.
- Neural Template?

Yours truly, and an infusion of
the dead John Crichton's memories.

Excuse me, you stole
my memories?

Yeah. You appear to have
backdoored into a part of the game

that technically speaking,
shouldn't even exist.

So, you're kind of stuck,
I think.

Chiana. Scorpius.

Oh, stop being such a welnitz.

Brain damage and death is...

Brain damage?!
- It's very rare.

It's very rare.
- Wel-wel-welcome.

My name is John
Crichton-Crichton,

the most notorious criminal
in the known universe.

- Aghh! Too general.
- I need the manual.

I may look Sebacean,
but I'm not-not-not.

Billions upon b-b-billions
upon billions of lives

hang in the b-b-balance
hang in the b-b-balance

I may look Sebeacean...
hang in the b-b-balance.

Your mission, should you
choose to accept it...

Journey to the source
of evil-evil.

Discover the darkness.

I'm gonna k*ll Stark.

Discover the darkness.

Erp, erp, have a good day.

Ha.

Manual.

Ah, specifications,
specifications.

Ah. Here we are.

In farthest space, beyond the knowing
charts, the horrid human and his band appear.

And though they play today at different parts,
the core of subtle truth beneath is clear.

The path of choice may draw you dark and deep,
where flesh deformed doth keep the dream alive.

And if the way your compass cannot keep,
some pearls of wisdom to thee do I give.

Ha! This should do it.

Your quest is for the princess
fair to seek.

The one a human's fleeting
love did rend.

Bring forth the sword and
through the darkness peek,

One loving kiss amends and
there's an end,

and if we shades with taste do not agree,
a door of green shall set your senses free.

That was great.

What was that?

Your way out.

Kiss the princess.

Kiss a princess?

The princess, and you're out.

Or find a green door.
Either way.

Vouchers.

Each one good for one answer
to one question.

Squeeze them hard.
Use them well.

Time's up. Game's on.
Good luck. Have fun.

The tower's up, but up is down.

Follow the path through
the fairy town.

I have some questions.

Path?

Up is down.

Start looking.

Kiss the princess.
You gotta like that.

I have a list of reasons why I
ain't gonna like any of this.

Would you call that a path?

These things look like
chocolate coins.

Frell me!

That's a path.

Hey, what happens if
I die in here?

Uh, game death resets on
the current level.

Yeah, unless normal operation
is suspended.

You see a green door?

What do you suppose
is in there?

With our luck?

Maldis.

Hey there.

Oh.

Relax, together.

I am Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan,
tenth level Delvian priest,

blood kin to the piezor
who bit Scorpy's ass.

And you, and you,

you're invading my parking space. Now,
frell off. - Hey, wait, wh-where...

I know who you are. You're a couple
of pilgrims on some damn fool quest.

Hey, he's hurt.

He's hurt?

Yeah.

Well, he's gonna be more hurt
if he tries to kiss the princess.

The Ogre'll get him.

O- Ogre?

Ah!

Be still.

It's gonna hurt. A lot.

He doesn't look so good.

Yup, he's bad.

He's going south.

Oh!

It's milkin' time, baby.

Hamman side looma for the cure.

Oh!

Thank you.

Yeah. Better get ready
to keep him quiet.

The Ogre is not gonna let you
kiss her, you know.

He'll be jealous.

Feed him, you fannik.

Okay. Here's the good stuff.

Here it is. Oh...

Frell!

Acid.

Okay, try the other looma.

Very good, little nixar.

Most get burnt the first time.

Okay, here we go.

Other looma.

Next time lucky.

Unless the Ogre gets wind of
this, then there'll be trouble.

Okay, here's my boy.

Keep it down. Keep it down.

Oh... Oh...

This is bad!

Ooh, he had to hear that!

- Fe fi fo fum!
- Buckle up, buckle up!

Who had to hear?!

The Big Kahuna!

It's the Ogre! It's him!

Get him out! Get him out!

I don't wanna go...

Zhaan.

Yeah.

Oh, the horror.

The new and improved Zhaan.

How ya feelin?

Fruity.

If you say so.

You have to, Crichton.
Or these games will eat you up.

All right, I'll try.
- Just give it a go. Give it a go.

Look, I said I'll...

Whoa.

None shall pass.

Check this out.

Brave sir knight!

I am King Arthur of Camelot.

This is my loyal vassal, Patsy.

Bollocks!

You're a pimped-out,
arrogant fleshie

who wants to use my road
where none shall pass.

Right.

Well, that went great.
Let's k*ll him.

No, no, he's not gonna move too
fast, lugging all that armor.

We can just go around.

None... shall... pass!

Okay.

Whoa!

Whoa! I thought you
said this way!

I changed my mind!

Huh?

Whoa.

Hey, Pip.

You see a path?

No. No, I don't.

I said to wait but no, you
wanna play games while Scorpy is on the ship!

Not to mention the potential
brain damage, Chiana!

A green door.

We need a green door.
Just... just ask.

Voucher.

Voucher. One question,
one answer.

Warm tonight, or is it just me?
- Stark, we want out.

The tower's up but up is down. Follow
the path through the fairy town. Later!

Stark, you get your ass back here now
or I'm gonna come kick your lily white...

That's it.

What are you doin'?

Follow the path.
The path ends here.

Hey...

Okay, what are you doing here?

Hey, Gretel. You think
they're here to eat?

Uh, we're just passing through?

The Princess.

Please!

The Ogre's gonna have my hide if I
let you go without some molestation.

- Frell you, Hansel!
- Why is it never my turn?

Hey look, we... we... we don t
wanna kiss the princess.

We just want that... that green door there.
- Please, eat me!

It's my turn!

Eat me! Please, k*ll me!
It's my turn!

Shut up!

Okay. So you want out?

No princess, no tastes,
no, uh...

Now, this is too easy.

She tastes great.

Ah, she tastes real great.
- Please, eat me. Yummy, yummy.

Go on.

Yummy, yummy.

Don't go. Eat me.

That's it! That's it.

Go to the door.

Damn!

Way too long in that thing.

Pip, come on.

Pilot?

Aeryn? D'Argo?

Crichton, where the
frell are you?

Oh, just trying to get
home, Auntie Em.

Hey, you guys got a problem?

Scorpius.

Just do not tell me that
he has escaped.

He has.

And there's a Command Carrier
on the way.

D'Argo, how the hell
did that happen?!

Still working on that. We've got
lots of bugs in Moya's systems.

Oh, great. Well, what does
Sikozu say about that?

Haven't heard from her
since the escape.

But Pilot's losing control
of critical systems.

Right, right, right.
We will be there ASAP.

Chiana, dammit, wake up!

All right.

All right, how the hell does
this thing come off?

Where's Chiana?

Ah, she's too bony.

Probably tastes like fish.

You don't wanna eat her.

The bloody bitch bites.

What am I, chopped liver?!

I do not have time for this.

How come nobody ever
wants to eat me?!

In here!

Where?

In here!

Back so soon? And I thought
you didn't like us.

Where's Chiana?

Could you be more specific?

Little grey girl.
A sword and a floppy hat.

Girl of grey with
swords at play.

Girl of grey went that a way.

Wait for it!

Mind the gap.

Eenie, meenie...

Floor, please.
- ...me.

Where the grey girl went.

Oh-oh-oh-oh... the penthouse.
Mmm.

Do you have an appointment?

You know, this would be vaguely
amusing if I wasn't in a hurry.

It's your funeral. So-so-so
what-what brings you here? Business?

Pleasure?

Hmm... That's a nice sword
you've got.

Ever slay any dragons with it?

You should give it a name. How
about Cameron or Uma-Uma-Uma?

First floor-first floor,
little lost girls.

Have a good day.

Whoa!

Yes, I know.
This elevator sucks.

My job su-su-su-sucks.

Day after day,
the same-same thing.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Down.

Just once-just once, it'd be
nice to go sideways.

Just-just sideways.

Frog Princes!

Not-not that I plan on doing
this forever-ever.

I have plans, you know.
Big plans.

I- I'm studying to be
an astronaut.

And, penthouse.

Have a good day.

I knew it.

I knew it had to be you!

Ma'am!

A visitor.

Yes, I can see that.

I'm so sorry, Ma'am.

I didn't realize you were
expecting other guests.

That's all right, Harvey.

Would you let the master know
that we have a gentleman caller?

He's not the Ogre?

What, Harvey?

Oh heavens no.
He's just an incorrigible liar.

And the butler.

So, can I help you find
someplace to sheathe that sword?

No, where's, uh...

The grey girl?

Don't you worry about her.

My beast of a boyfriend is
showing her around the place.

Can I get you a drink?

No.
- Oh, don't be like that.

You must be parched from
coming all this way.

I only want Chiana.

Oh now,

we both know that's not true.

Honey!

We're out of ice.

Steady on there, meat.

We just finished redecorating
the last bloodbath we had in here.

It's a little joke.

So.

You here to kiss the missus?

Why do you have to be
such a monster?

At least I don't spend
my days redecorating.

What is it with women
and change?!

Seems like nothing is
ever good enough.

Oh! You have to save me from him!
Please! You have to save me! -Chiana!

Hey!
- What the hell have you been doing?

We have a problem on the ship. We have to go!
- Okay.

See? Every time we meet someone
nice, you scare them away.

Something wrong?
- You scare them away!

Of course, as usual.
Now let's go!

Frell.

D! Rally the troops,
we're coming in.

What took you so long?

Weird detour.

Pilot's blind on the hamman
side, Tiers Seven and Eleven.

DRD's are searching there.

It's likely Scorpius is hiding
in those blind spots.

The plan is, we hunt him down.

Like that plan.

Aeryn and John you take Tier Seven.
- Okay.

And Rygel, stay where you are
and stay out of trouble.

This is familiar.

What, the passageway?

No.

It's good to have you back.

Crichton. Aeryn. He's here!

On our way, Pilot.

Seal the chamber.

Locked out.

D'Argo!

Pilot?

Pip?

Crichton, I can't find D'Argo.

Access shaft, this way.

Feels like a trap.

Only one way to know.

Pilot?

You all right?

Everything is finally
under control.

Pilot?

Not exactly, Commander.

Have you ever heard of
a neural harness?

Your Pilot's mind is now
sl*ve to my own.

John.
- Whatever happens to the master...

happens to the sl*ve.

If I die,

so does your Pilot.

Grayza's Command Carrier
is on the way.

He's a pathological liar.

Our odds are not going
to get any better.

Feeling lucky?

Aeryn?

He's awake.

He did it, didn't he?

Tagged you with a microchip?

You haven't considered the possibility
that I was protecting Pilot.

The second boot to the head
convinced me otherwise.

She's special, don't you think?

You son of a bitch.

Shall we end this?

You resisted the Aurora Chair.

You've resisted my neural clone
and, uh, you resist all reason.

You're starting to
sound like Sikozu.

Perhaps.

Where does that leave us, John?

Time you headed off for darker
pastures and left me the hell alone.

You resist because
you have hope.

Hope that your friends
will save you.

This time it will be different.

One by one, I will extinguish
all your hopes

and little by little you will
begin to see reason.

Scorpius.

We have Rygel.

Lovely girl.

I hear that one quarter Scarran-Sebacean
offspring are quite handsome.

You harm me, you harm her.

Psst. Hey.

Crichton.

Down here.

I've got the game.

Chiana!

Shh. They're sleeping.

Okay. I don't wanna have
to deal with them now.

Okay, Scorpius has got control
over the whole of the ship.

He's got D'Argo and Rygel,
everybody.

He can hear everything.
Not in here.

Right. We can't k*ll the son of a
bitch without hurting the others.

Whatever happens to him happens
to everybody he controls.

So leave me the game
blob thingy.

When I take him down, you have to
find a way to hog tie everybody.

So you're gonna draw Scorpius
into the game?

What are you doing?

Working on what your
master wants.

So you still think that
he controls me.

Does he?

Look, the only thing that keeps
you alive is the secret you hold.

And the same is true for me.

He's hearing all this,
you know.

I know.

I should never have let you go.

Most of this floor you
should recognize.

It's an equation describing the
behavior of wormholes.

What it lacks is the single
unifying symbol.

That symbol is beneath
my left foot.

Would you like to see it?

You would give it to me?

I want you to take it.

Your species has brutal flair.

Anyone else enters this room,

I can spill enough blood to
erase the entire equation.

Very well.

You know if you k*ll me...

Oh, I don't think that's going
happen, not after all you've survived.

Then again, I could get lucky.

Oh, crap. I wasn't...

Quick, this way.

He's not supposed to come
from that direction.

Really, John? You expect to
hold me in a simulation?

Seemed like a good idea
at the time.

This world means nothing to me.

I see through it's
very existence.

John! Please!
- Allow me to show you what I see.

Having trouble breathing?

I wonder if you die now,

whether your mind will carry the
wormhole knowledge with it, into the game.

Relax, John.

Soon it'll be over.

He was k*lling you.
I couldn't let that happen.

We have to get out of here
before he comes out.

Come on.

What about the others?

We can't save the others.
Listen.

John, I came back for you.

Nothing else matters, I just...

want to be with you.

Now let's get out of here
before it's too late.

Something's wrong.

Something's wrong.

Does this mean it's over?

Chiana!

What's wrong?

Everything.

We're still in the game.

No.

We never left.

Moya is part of the game.

They changed the doors.

Figured it out, have we?

Stark!

What the hell is this about?

This is all about you,
John Crichton.

You're far too sick to be
allowed to run free in the universe.

When you die on the outside,
your mind will live on.

Here, with us.

Welcome home, John.

How the hell do we get out of this game?
- I don't know.

Then this better work.
- Okay.

Careful. It's your last one.

What the hell's the endgame?

One hero's sword to set
her free-free-free,

one kiss upon her lips
so sweet,

thus ends your quest,
thus ends the game-game,

and thus your soul is saved.

Oh, we already heard that.
- Yeah, I know that.

But finding a door out
may be impossible.

If we die, it only
resets a level.

One sure way out,
we achieve the endgame.

We're gonna kiss the princess.

Run, run, run, as fast as you
can. Float like a budong.

Not in the face!

Bastard wants us to play,
let's give him what he wants.

That hurt, John.

Stark. Ha.

So how'd you do it? Who helped?

You did.

You and that tragic brother,

pouring his heart out
on his death bed.

Bull.

This game has crap he
couldn't know.

It's crap you gave me
along the way.

You talk so much.

Oh, God, no Sikozu, no Noranti.

Very good.

Damn, I guess that leaves
one question.

Plants.

Why do they love the light?

Oh... John.

Oh!

Ha.

None shall pass.

Where is he?

What are they doing here?

It's my turn!

You are disturbing my meal.

Chiana?
- Yeah?

Does this room seem too easy?

- What do you mean?

I mean, first time here.
How did you make it through?

Uh...

Chiana, what's Aeryn's secret?

What?

Aeryn's secret.

What about me?!

Hey.
- Huh?

Eat this.

Aeryn's pregnant.

Frell, Crichton! You left me
there for arns! I could've d*ed.

Sorry about that.

What is it with women
and change?

You-You-You really are
John Crichton.

Can I get an autograph?

Master.

We have guests.

I'm here for the princess.

I can see that. So romantic.

You up for this? Could be fun.

Let's screw the pooch.

I'm all about fun.

Hurrah.

Game on.

I learned this on TV.

I'm not gonna clean up.

- Ooh! Come on, Harvey.
- Stop fightin' like a girl!

You need more practice, meat!

I'll make a note.

Oh, good. I can see who wears
the pants in your family.

Redecoratin'. Blood everywhere!

She just k*lled you.

Honey, the butler's dead.

Hey, Pip...
- Yeah?

Little help!
- Frell.

That's it, finish him off.

Two against one!

Looks like I won't be having
that drink, after all!

He's mine.

How am I doin'?

Coming back for you.

I hope so.

Oh, child!

Well, she's done it now.

Women!

Go on.

Are you really John Crichton?

Yeah.

We are gonna be so
happy together.

Chiana?

Uh...

I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

I don't know.

Hey, I know.

Maybe you have to do more
than just kiss her.

Maybe "kiss" is a metaphor for
showing her a really good time.

Mmm.

Yeah, and maybe Chiana
has to kiss her. Huh?

Can I watch? I love to watch.

She is not the princess.

What?

Oh.

Well, I'm not the princess
you seek,

but we could still have
a really good time.

This is my world, meat!

You're just walking through it
for a very long time.

When your body is dead, your mind will live
here, with us, to strut and fret forever.

You poor player.

Crichton?

Game reset.

What are you doing, John
do-do-doing, John?

Your world, your princess.

Princess, princess,
pr-princess.

One-One pr-princess fair,
her bro-broken heart

by ug-ugliness enslaved,
ug-ugliness-ugliness enslaved.

Ugliness enslaved.

John, we can work this out.

One hero's sword to
set her free.

- Don't touch her!
- She's mine! Mine!

Be silent, Stark.

Is that really you,
John Crichton?

I think, yeah.

And you're...

Zhaan.

For all that matters.

This Stark wishes to
keep you here.

He blames you.

No.

Believes I d*ed for the
love of you.

A lot of people have d*ed
because of me.

What is it that you wish of me,
John Crichton?

A kiss.

Have you wasted my death, and
the deaths of so many others?

I don't know.

Then I suggest you find out,

before anyone else dies
for the love of you.

No.

Son of a bitch!

D! D'Argo!

John, where are you?

Uh...

I'm not entirely sure right
now. What's up with Scorpius?

We had a small problem with his
door, but that's already sorted.

You're long overdue.
Is everything okay?

Hey, hey, we're not dead.

How drad is that?

Mmm. Interesting day?

They're all interesting.

This was more like...
confusing.

And a warrior needs clarity.

I'm not a warrior.

You carry a w*apon.

Second Amendment.

Besides, it's Scorpy's w*r,
not mine.

Thousands dead, billions
in the balance.

But that's not the w*r
I'm speaking of.

Aeryn.

The w*r of the heart.

Always Aeryn.

Yeah, I don't... think too
clear where Aeryn is concerned.

Pain clouds judgment.

Distillate of Laka.

One whiff, and the
pain is gone,

for a time.

It'll help you forget
about Aeryn.

Oh, and please don't thank me.

It's been 150 cycles
since I've...

since I've felt for someone
the way you do for her.

Hmm.

I hear I was a princess.